- vor 40 Minuten
Kategorie
😹
SpaßTranskript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please, make some noise to Mr. Jimmy Carlton!
00:14The power!
00:16Thanks for coming out. Merry Christmas, everyone. You all right?
00:19OK, so we've got an amazing line-up.
00:21We've got team captains John Richardson and Rob Beckett,
00:24Judy Love, Daisy May Cooper, Katie Norris, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:30Great to have you here.
00:35Christmassy.
00:44OK.
00:45Do you have one more?
00:46I'm worried I don't look Christmassy enough.
00:49Should we do this?
00:50Yeah!
00:51We should do this.
00:52All right.
01:00I'm sorry.
01:01You're wrong.
01:05You're wrong.
01:06Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special,
01:32a show about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
01:36OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:45John does look like one of Santa's elves, but the one that works in accounts.
01:51You would now.
01:54And John's team mate, Daisy Mae Cooper.
02:01Daisy claims she once attempted to have sex with a ghost. I bet that put the willies up
02:05here. Up against them this evening, team captain Rob Beckett.
02:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob Beckett loves Christmas because of the huge smiles on his kids' faces, which sadly
02:19of them are genetic.
02:24And joining Rob tonight is Judy Love.
02:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:29Judy Love attended drama school for four months but left after she fell pregnant.
02:33And that is as close as Hackney is going to get the nativity story.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38So you were at drama school and you fell pregnant, so that's...
02:41Yeah, it was...
02:42That's a hell of an improv session.
02:43It was...
02:44It was proper.
02:45It was live.
02:46Everyone enjoyed it.
02:47It was a different kind of show.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:49Did you do any more acting after that?
02:51We could do an improv moment right now.
02:53OK.
02:54That night...
02:55Yeah.
02:56It was so special to me.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01Wait, is he the dad?
03:02Yeah.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04John, have you ever been asked to turn on a town's Christmas lights?
03:09You sound very unwell, Jimmy.
03:11The voice box is the only thing I haven't had replaced and now look.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16Er...
03:18Yeah, I did a few last year, actually, but none of them have asked me back.
03:22Erm, I hooked them all up to sparkmeters.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27I had a few booked in this year, but, er, then Andrew became available.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33You can't beat a royal who wants to work cash in hand.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38All right, Daisy, erm, what was it like growing up with your brother Charlie?
03:42Traumatic.
03:43Er, Christmases were very traumatic.
03:45Our great nan came to stay with us one Christmas.
03:48I was about eight, Charlie was about five.
03:51And we had bunk beds.
03:53Christmas Eve.
03:54We heard the door open and we thought,
03:56oh, my God, it's Santa Claus.
03:58Right.
03:59And it wasn't.
04:00It was our great nan who was naked,
04:02sleepwalking with night terrors, right?
04:05She just walked into our room and screamed.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09Horrendous.
04:10I had tits for by her ankles.
04:12So what part...
04:13So what part of her made you think it was Father Christmas?
04:16The long beard.
04:17The long beard.
04:18The long beard.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:21It was awful.
04:22He tripped over it.
04:23It was horrible.
04:24Rob, what element of Christmas would you ban?
04:26I would ban, erm, the snowman.
04:28The depressing cartoon?
04:29Yeah, that, it's on every year.
04:31Why?
04:32Oh, it's shit.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Chill away, it's a shit drawing.
04:36Like, we've got Moana now, proper CGI.
04:39Animations moved on.
04:41I don't want to watch something worse at a special time.
04:43Do you know what I mean?
04:44So, yeah, I'll get rid of the snowman.
04:46Sorry, I've upset the entire nation.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50Do you like the snowman?
04:51Yeah, I do.
04:52He dies at the end.
04:54Do you not like that bit when he dies?
04:55He dies?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Oh, I'll watch it this year.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Judy, are you a good cook?
05:01Do you do Christmas dinner?
05:02Yeah, it depends on whether, you know,
05:04the spirit takes me and the spirit is called rum.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:09Your food situation at Christmas,
05:10we've spoke about this before,
05:11is mental.
05:12How much food do you make?
05:13I mean, we do everything.
05:14We do rice and peas,
05:15then we do plain rice,
05:16then we do curry goat,
05:17and then we do jerk chicken,
05:18then we have fried chicken.
05:20But in the morning we have fried fish,
05:22Escobar fish with Ardo bread,
05:23we might have ackee and saltfish,
05:24then we kind of add our little British culture,
05:27which is a bit of toast.
05:29And then...
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32Then we have dessert,
05:33we've got the black cake,
05:35we've got everything, fruits and cream.
05:36It feels like you could cut the plain rice course.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40Oh, no, no, no.
05:41This is a Jamaican house course,
05:42there's nothing plain in there.
05:43Even the plain white rice is seasoned.
05:45It's washed, it's got salt,
05:46it's got butter,
05:47you put a bit of wine.
05:48Oh, let's not go there,
05:49white people, please!
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52You wash it,
05:53and then you let it bubble up,
05:54and you put butter and you put salt,
05:56you put a bit of thyme,
05:57and I like to, with my plain white rice,
05:59I get a scotch bonnet when it's simmering,
06:01and I put the scotch bonnet in the middle
06:03and just let it simmer down,
06:04don't let it burst.
06:05Let me tell you something,
06:06you will never,
06:07like they say,
06:08once you go black,
06:09you don't go back.
06:10Once you go white rice with a scotch bonnet,
06:12you won't go back.
06:13I'm telling you.
06:14Try it, people!
06:15Sounds good, sounds good.
06:16Thank you, thank you for the one clap.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19OK, John, have you got a mascot?
06:21I have.
06:22What have you got?
06:23Well, it's all about Christmas traditions.
06:25For me, the best tradition of Christmas,
06:27it's when you get your Christmas morning bin bag.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30APPLAUSE
06:32Yes.
06:34I start looking for mine about September.
06:41I'd start filling it with that soup.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46So, you know, you've got to start thinking about
06:48what sort of load it's going to take,
06:50what thickness of bag you want.
06:52You know, you get the wrong Christmas bag,
06:54and the kids have been up at R5,
06:55you have three Christmas bin bags in by six o'clock.
06:57You ain't coming back from that.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Christmas Day's over.
07:00Is that a heavy duty?
07:01It's not full heavy duty,
07:02no, because then I think there's too much heft to it.
07:04Right.
07:05And it sort of takes...
07:06You want the crinkle.
07:07Yeah, yeah.
07:08Some of that Christmas...
07:09Are you struggling with that?
07:10I am struggling a little bit.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:13I don't think you've picked the right bag.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16Oh.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Oh, I like that.
07:19Don't criticise his black bag.
07:21No.
07:22I've been having Christmas bags for years.
07:23You always remember...
07:24Oh, I get emotional looking at this picture.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27Your first Christmas bin bag is a real thing.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:33Is that really you?
07:34That's me, yeah.
07:35Which one?
07:36LAUGHTER
07:40Yeah, my sister's in that picture,
07:42but the team have taken the decision to edit her out
07:44and put the bag where she was stood.
07:46So that's a...
07:47That's a conversation we'll have at my real family Christmas.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52Er, Daisy, have you got a mascot?
07:54Do you want to bring him out?
07:56Oh, this is my son Benji, dressed as a Christmas pudding.
08:00Aw!
08:01Thank you, babe.
08:02Oh, hello, Poppet!
08:04He...
08:05Erm...
08:06Yeah, it's only because I sort of fucked up a bit with childcare.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:13I said, can I bring him?
08:15And they said, fine.
08:16And they said, have you bought a mascot?
08:18And I said, no.
08:19That's a mess, yeah.
08:20You'd be a bit scared of Jimmy earlier, won't you, darling?
08:23Which he's not the Grinch.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26Look, there he is.
08:27He's a nice man.
08:28You wave to him.
08:29Stop it.
08:30Hello.
08:31Hi.
08:32Hi.
08:33How old are you?
08:34You are 17 months.
08:3617 months?
08:37Yeah.
08:38Well, talk me through the conception.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:41It was really great, actually.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44In a travelodge.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47Really, yeah.
08:49I've had the best times there.
08:51Straight talk.
08:52Are you 100% sure that's not Rob Beckett?
08:55LAUGHTER
08:57Show us your teeth, Nick.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00Thanks, darling.
09:02He's not going to bite you.
09:04The nasty man.
09:05Can I ask, are you...
09:06Oh!
09:07Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
09:09You don't want to go past it.
09:10And you've picked up a child before, have you?
09:11LAUGHTER
09:18Julie, have you got a mascot?
09:19I have got a mascot.
09:21My Jamaican Crackers.
09:25Yeah, I'm Jamaican, if you didn't know.
09:27It just, it just brings you into, like, my kind of household
09:30and my vibes with different words and stuff that I can teach you.
09:33OK.
09:34So, put it open.
09:35Whoo!
09:37Now, can you read what that says?
09:40Canceled.
09:41With your best Jamaican accent.
09:42Oh.
09:45Bye, Rob.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:48Lickle more?
09:49Yes! Lickle more.
09:50Lickle more?
09:51Do you know what that means?
09:52A little more?
09:53Lick it more.
09:54Oh!
09:55No, it doesn't.
09:56No.
09:57Lickle more.
09:58Yeah, it means a little more.
09:59Little more.
10:00Or you could say in the same thing, like,
10:01I'll see you soon.
10:02Lickle more.
10:03Like, I'll soon come.
10:04Lickle more?
10:05Gunfinger.
10:06All right, then, Rob.
10:07OK.
10:08Just got carried on.
10:09Well, I've definitely cancelled after that.
10:11Whoo!
10:12Go on, take it.
10:13Merry Christmas.
10:14Good one.
10:15Let's see if John...
10:16Let's give it to John.
10:17Yeah, say that.
10:18Go on, John.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Me-day-ya.
10:22Me-day-ya.
10:23Say it faster, though.
10:24Me-day-ya.
10:25Where are you?
10:26Me-day-ya.
10:27Me-day-ya.
10:28You can't see me here.
10:29Me-here.
10:30You're there.
10:31Yeah!
10:32Yeah!
10:33Say it with your chest, though, John.
10:34Mamma, I'm here.
10:35I'm right here, Judy.
10:37You've missed that.
10:38Me-day-ya.
10:39Me-day-ya.
10:40Where are you, John?
10:41John?
10:42Me-day-ya.
10:43Yeah!
10:44But, Jimmy, I will say you definitely know your language
10:49because the other one is usually wagwana.
10:52You said it before even being prompt.
10:54So, big up yourself, Jimmy.
11:00Sometimes look at me like I'm some sort of bumbacar.
11:02Yeah!
11:09Rob, have you got a mascot?
11:10Can it not be racist?
11:13The answer's yes and then no.
11:15Yeah, I do have a mascot.
11:17What I've got is I was getting the Christmas decorations out the loft,
11:20as you do,
11:21and I stumbled across a box full of Christmas presents
11:24that I've got my wife and Lou in the past
11:26that she's never used.
11:27These are presents you bought for the good lady?
11:30These are presents I've bought for my wife that she doesn't want
11:32and I think she's bang out of order.
11:35Oh!
11:38It's already good.
11:39She's into arts and crafts.
11:40Right.
11:41I've got her a seven-piece chisel set.
11:45This was a good one.
11:47Wood varnish.
11:50She kept on saying she wanted that fence painted,
11:52so I got this.
11:53She did fuck all of it.
11:56We wanted to try and spice things up in the bedroom.
11:58Right.
11:59You know?
12:00You're in a marriage, you sort of think...
12:01I don't know.
12:02So I've got a little outfit.
12:03You don't know?
12:04What about spicing the things up in the bedroom?
12:06I'm not married.
12:07You have plain sex with a scotch bonnet in the middle, do you?
12:09LAUGHTER
12:16Anyway, so I thought I'll get her an outfit to wear
12:19for a bit of sexy time, so I got her this.
12:25I thought that might be quite nice, a bit of role-play.
12:26She never wore it.
12:27It's a beautiful gift.
12:29You know, this one, she didn't want this one either.
12:31A bottle of champagne.
12:32What could be the problem with a bottle of champagne?
12:34That's nice.
12:35You know?
12:36What's to say on the label?
12:37To Rob, thanks for all your hard work on the BAFTAs.
12:45What are you going to do, eh?
12:47Jimmy will have the wood varnish.
12:48He's do her.
12:49You do her, Rico.
12:54Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Katie Norris.
12:56Thank you, Sue.
12:57Thank you, Sue.
12:59Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
13:00Well, Merry Christmas to you.
13:01It's your first time on the show.
13:02Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:03Well, my name's Katie.
13:05And people often think I've got divorced woman energy.
13:08But...
13:10I've actually never been married.
13:12And I'm not a mum, just a woman with a tight snatch,
13:14a loose tongue and a social lie.
13:16But I...
13:18Can I just get a bit of commotion for the outfit?
13:19Yeah.
13:20Yeah.
13:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:27So, I only wear this for special occasions.
13:29There was a bit of an issue with the crotch, though,
13:31because it started to erode.
13:33But the designers sewed into my crotch a professor's elbow,
13:37you know, like a suede patch.
13:39Which does feel quite funny to me,
13:41because I'm not used to feeling a professor's elbow down there.
13:44But...
13:45I wanted to feel confident.
13:49Could you tell us less about yourself?
13:53I've got a gift for you, Jimmy.
13:55Excellent.
13:56Christmas.
13:57It took me eight and a half hours.
13:58So, I've recently trained to become a taxidermist.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:05This is Boo.
14:06Oh.
14:07Boo Radley.
14:08I mean, Boo-Boo's showing her Boo-Boo.
14:11Yes, her Boo-Boo.
14:12Yeah.
14:13There's a squirrel's elbow down there.
14:17And with Katie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:23Susie's books make a great last-minute Christmas gift
14:25for people you don't like.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:29What's your favourite festive word, Susie?
14:31Oh, wonder clout.
14:34And a wonder clout is something that looks really promising.
14:37You think it's going to be great
14:38and it ends up being really disappointing.
14:41Oh, I got one of those.
14:42Yeah.
14:44Yeah.
14:45Actually, there is in wrestling, there is a Christmas hold,
14:48which is when one wrestler gets the other by the crotch.
14:52And so it's a handful of nuts.
14:54I think that's what your squirrel has.
14:55Was that nuts on the squirrel, then, or a bulky vagina?
14:59No, these are nuts.
15:01Did you just ask, was it nuts or a bulky vagina?
15:07I think it's a fair question.
15:08No, I don't.
15:09I don't think we're using the phrase bulky vagina nut
15:13on our Christmas show.
15:15And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:22I'm not saying Rachel's Christmas dress is short,
15:24but I think I can see her grotto.
15:30It's not bulky, either.
15:31LAUGHTER
15:36Thanks for sharing.
15:38Merry Christmas.
15:39Rachel, what is your favourite Christmas statistic?
15:43You know how people put food out for Santa and the reindeer,
15:45so some people put milk out?
15:47Apparently in the UK, 1.3 million cans of beer
15:50get put out for Santa on Christmas Eve,
15:52which is about 2.5 million units of alcohol.
15:54So, Santa's about 600,000 times the drink drive limit
15:59when he's going around up there.
16:02So, you can't even read that naughty list,
16:04which explains why my little one gets presents every year
16:06and she's an absolute shit.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:10Rachel Riley, everyone.
16:14OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
16:17is definitely not an elf on a shelf.
16:19For legal reasons, it's the countdown elf upon a mantelpiece.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:32Thanks for lending him the gear, John.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:36OK, let's countdown, everyone.
16:37Time for our first game.
16:38Rob, Judy, you get first poke of the letters.
16:41Er, consonant.
16:43Thank you, Judy.
16:44R.
16:46Can I get a vowel, please?
16:47Yeah.
16:48O.
16:50Can I have a vowel, please?
16:51E.
16:52Consonant, please.
16:53N.
16:54You...
16:55Am I still going?
16:56Yeah, it looks like it.
16:58Another consonant, please.
16:59C.
17:00Vow.
17:01You...
17:02Do you want to go? No?
17:03Vow.
17:04No, do you want to start writing it down, then?
17:05E.
17:06Oh, I thought I was saying that you was writing it.
17:08Vow, please.
17:10Are you sure?
17:11Er, I wasn't, but now I am, just to piss you off.
17:13Yeah.
17:15And then, er, fuck it, another vowel.
17:17Yeah.
17:19Yeah, we have to have four...
17:21I'm overruling.
17:22That would have a consonant.
17:23Yeah, we have to have four consonants on this game.
17:25Yeah. T.
17:26Oh, I see a word.
17:27Oh, yeah.
17:33Merry Christmas, everyone.
17:34And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
17:41It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
17:46Everywhere you go
17:50Take a look in the five and ten
17:52Glistening once again
17:54With candy canes and silver lanes aglow
17:58It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
18:02Ties in every store
18:05It's quite hard to read
18:07But the prettiest sight to see
18:09Is the holly that will be
18:11On your own
18:13Front door
18:20Er, Rob, what have you got?
18:22A four.
18:24Judy, how many?
18:25Seven.
18:26Seven?
18:27Yeah.
18:28Daisy, how many?
18:29I got six.
18:30OK.
18:31Seven.
18:32Rob, what is your broadcastable four-letter word?
18:34Car.
18:35Daisy, your six.
18:37Toucan.
18:38Mmm, nice.
18:40Judy, your seven.
18:41Counter.
18:44Oh, my God.
18:46Oh, wow.
18:48And John, your seven.
18:50Cartoon.
18:52Oh!
18:53Oh, my goodness.
18:54Wow.
18:56Seven points to both teams.
18:58Katie, Susie, what could they have had?
19:00Well, you could have had an eight.
19:02Ah.
19:03Courant.
19:04It's a 16th century court dance.
19:07Short steps forward, short steps back.
19:09It's a bit mincing.
19:10I think you'd be quite good at this, Jimmy.
19:12Christmasy.
19:13Merry Christmasy.
19:14Nice.
19:15Thank you for that.
19:16Both teams have seven points.
19:17Well done, Judy.
19:19OK.
19:20Onto our first numbers round.
19:21John, Daisy, your turn to pick the numbers.
19:23Would you like to pick the numbers?
19:24No.
19:26Two big ones, please.
19:28Three.
19:29Three.
19:30Five.
19:31Four.
19:32Fifty.
19:33And 75.
19:34And the target...
19:36667.
19:37OK.
19:38haricots.
19:39Now.
20:08Okay, so the target was 667. Rob, did you get it?
20:15I got 669, so no.
20:18Judy, did you get it? No.
20:20Daisy, did you get it? I got nine.
20:24I've written five plus four equals nine question mark.
20:30Judy done that as 33, not two lots of three.
20:35John, did you get it? 666.
20:38Ooh. Ooh.
20:41The number of the beast at Christmas, John.
20:44How could you? How did you do it?
20:46Five plus four is nine.
20:48Yep. Satanic.
20:5075. Evil.
20:52675. And then three threes and nine.
20:55Mm. Take it away.
20:57666. Wow. Seven points to John.
21:03Rachel, could it be done?
21:05It could, if you say four times three is 12,
21:09times 50 is 600.
21:12Yes.
21:12And then add the 75 and take the other three.
21:14What are you saying yes for? Yeah.
21:15That was all right, Ali.
21:19OK, so Rob and Judy have seven,
21:21John and Daisy have 14 points.
21:22Wow.
21:26And here is your teaser.
21:27The words are I, Rob Snow,
21:29and the clue is the thicker the better.
21:31So that's I, Rob Snow,
21:31the thicker the better.
21:33See you after the break.
21:33APPLAUSE
21:35Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
21:51The words were I, Rob Snow.
21:53The clue was the thicker the better.
21:55It was, of course, unibrows.
21:57So, John and Daisy are in the lead.
22:00They've been playing in teams so far,
22:01but this game is just for Rob and Daisy.
22:04So, Daisy, your turn to choose.
22:06Three vowels, please.
22:07OK, three.
22:08I think this is the moment where we can get our points.
22:10You're not playing.
22:11And another one.
22:12E, U, E, and O.
22:15And the rest, the other ones.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:19We've got S.
22:20Wow, thanks for taking such an interest in me.
22:22G.
22:23And another S.
22:27Another G.
22:28Oh, wow.
22:29Oh, goodness.
22:30OK, and your time starts now.
22:32Just see the sleigh bells jingle and ring-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:36I want it's a lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
22:41Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:43Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling you.
22:47Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:49It's a lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
22:52Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:54Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:57Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
22:59MUSIC PLAYS
23:01Yeah!
23:03LAUGHTER
23:04APPLAUSE
23:06Nice.
23:08Oh, this is...
23:12This is a sweet ride.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16I've got presents.
23:17Who's that for, me or Rob?
23:20That's for you.
23:21Can I open it now?
23:22Yeah, I think that's special for you.
23:24Oh, my God.
23:26That's all I need.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:28Oh, that's the first facelift.
23:31This one...
23:32LAUGHTER
23:34LAUGHTER
23:36Hang on.
23:37Oh!
23:39LAUGHTER
23:40OK, see, I'll get you that, I thought you...
23:43Oh, what's this?
23:44Oh, oh, my gosh!
23:47Oh, yes!
23:49LAUGHTER
23:51Let's give a look!
23:52They're not like...
23:53It's not like posed or cheesy, it's just...
23:55I could talk you through them, they're just candy shots.
23:58Oh, January, yes!
24:00Yes!
24:01I mean, Jimmy, why didn't I get one of those?
24:02Cos I fancy Jimmy.
24:04I really fancy him.
24:06Yeah, I can't talk when he's there.
24:08What is he like about him?
24:10I just think he's really fit.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:16Which one of his faces do you like most?
24:18Yeah, all of them!
24:21What's your biggest fantasy that you have about, Jimmy?
24:24What's your biggest fantasy?
24:25He says, don't worry about the maths bit,
24:29and we just get it on into the desk.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:35The thing is, he's going to use that when he's about 90,
24:38still doing TV.
24:40Driving himself into the studio like Elton John in a tracksuit.
24:46Oh.
24:47All right.
24:52Do you want to...
24:52We'll come for a ride.
24:55I would love that.
24:57Yeah.
24:57Why not?
24:58Oh, are you getting in with him?
24:59Can you do the maths bit?
25:01Yeah.
25:02LAUGHTER
25:07Look at that.
25:08Woo!
25:09Look at that.
25:11Charles, big crying.
25:12Charles, size it.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:15Bad math, bad math.
25:18Daisy!
25:19Oh, Ken!
25:20Oh, my God, it's all stupid.
25:24There you go.
25:25Oh, fuck.
25:26He's on route to his apple log.
25:28Where is he?
25:29Oh, Daisy, how many?
25:31What?
25:33Oh, right, yes, letters.
25:35Do you remember the countdown?
25:37I got snogs.
25:39You got snogs?
25:42Did you?
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45I'm a little bit frightened.
25:59You got snogs, OK.
26:00And, Rob?
26:01I got five.
26:02Guess.
26:04Yeah.
26:05Guess.
26:06Pretty good.
26:08I'm going to have to drop you home.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:12Oh, I love this.
26:13That doesn't sound great, does it?
26:16Do you know, I lost my virginity in a Cleo.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:27Five points to both teams.
26:28APPLAUSE
26:34Nice little Christmas drive.
26:36Oh, isn't it?
26:37Good.
26:38That's fine.
26:39The Bipolar Express.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:50Katie, Susie?
26:51Neguses.
26:52What?
26:53Neguses.
26:54Neguses.
26:55Yes, they are hot toddies.
26:57Hot drinks, port, sugar, lemon and spice.
26:59Perfect for Christmas.
27:00Named after Colonel Francis Negus, who created it.
27:03So, at the end of that, Rob and Judy have 12 points.
27:06John and Daisy have 19.
27:07APPLAUSE
27:13Well, it says here now it's time for John and Judy to go head-to-head
27:16in the maths, but is there any point of that?
27:19Shall we just...
27:21Judy, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:23Three small and three big numbers.
27:26Three and three.
27:26We've got balance.
27:27Here we go.
27:28We've got ten, five, three, 75, 150.
27:34And the target, 957.
27:36Woo!
27:37Your time starts now.
27:42The click-clock is turning me off.
27:50Help me.
27:51What's your name?
27:52OK, so the target was 957.
28:12John, did you get it?
28:13I think I got 953.
28:15Judy, did you get it?
28:17Yeah.
28:17Rachel, take it easy.
28:19Judy's got this.
28:19OK.
28:20What did Judy do on the board?
28:25Rachel, write it out again.
28:26Can I just make sure that Judy can't see Rachel's clipboard?
28:37Just because I think they've probably both got it.
28:39Oh, you're a petty, petty man.
28:41Just, you know.
28:42Please make sure that Judy doesn't see the answers,
28:45because I would like to have a seven points.
28:48Because they are the rules.
28:50Fuck off.
28:52Now it feels like Christmas.
28:54I did 10 times 75.
29:00Yeah, is...
29:01Which is 750.
29:04Five and eight and three, right?
29:09Hold on.
29:09And I added 100.
29:11That makes what?
29:13870.
29:15No, 50.
29:17Hold on.
29:17No, two times 50.
29:24That made nine, seven, five.
29:26And then I took the eight away.
29:28And then I took away the ten.
29:33957.
29:34That made it happen.
29:38Numbers, there's numbers.
29:39I used the numbers.
29:40Well, there isn't a two up there.
29:41Huh?
29:42Where was there a two?
29:43Who said anything about two?
29:4650 times two.
29:47I don't know where you...
29:48You need to sort your maths out, babes.
29:51John, what did you get again?
29:53953.
29:54Go on, how did you do it for seven points?
29:55100 minus five.
29:5795.
29:58Times 10.
29:59950.
30:00Add three.
30:01953, seven points.
30:03Oh!
30:04Sorry!
30:07I know how I've got 920.
30:09Wait, hold on.
30:10No.
30:1010 times?
30:11No.
30:11Can I just...
30:12No.
30:13Happy New Year!
30:14Yes!
30:21Rachel, could it be done?
30:22If you say 75 plus five is 80, 100 over 50 is two, and it's 10 for 12,
30:31ties them together for 960 and take away the three.
30:34There you go.
30:35I see it.
30:41OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
30:44Katie, what have you got for us?
30:46Well, Jimmy, I'm a female comedian, so men are terrified of me.
30:49I don't know why.
30:50Um, you know, all I'm thinking when I meet a shy, introverted man in his mid-30s is,
30:55Speak up, you little simp.
30:57What do you mean you don't know how to drive?
31:00Do you drive?
31:02I'm driven.
31:10So, I'm actually, uh, I'm taking a short break from dating at the moment to focus on my career as a godmother.
31:15I love being a godmother because you don't just spread your legs and become a godmother, do you?
31:20You're chosen.
31:24Right, I think I'm going to sing now.
31:25Now, countdown.
31:33Where would anybody want to become a godmother?
31:35Well, I'll tell you darlings, it's the power, it's the prestige.
31:38Come with me to the bottom of the garden, let's go see the toads.
31:43Each of them used to be my boyfriend.
31:47What is one of those?
31:49A suitor, a sweetheart, a fellow or a fellow.
31:52Just make sure they're not a DJ of the techno.
31:55What's a DJ?
31:56A boy who cannot love.
31:57Now, may I introduce you to Geordie?
32:00This toad is Simon, his pits were always smelly.
32:03Little Jason Hill I took come upon my belly.
32:06Racist, sexist, crude and dry, poor Charlie had a chode.
32:08And this one's just a regular toad.
32:11I'm your godmother now, listen to my tales.
32:14Eat my wordy warnings, my magic never fails.
32:16God Mummy, Katie, Biddle Diddle Dom, I am brilliant, amazing woman.
32:23Then why aren't you married, Aunty Katie?
32:25So I did sing that to my godson, Jasper, who's five.
32:43And he looked up at me and he said, Katie, do you have friends?
32:48He said, yeah, Jasper, I've got loads of friends because I don't have any children.
32:55Katie Doris, everyone.
33:00OK, so Rob and Judy have 12 points.
33:03John and Daisy have 26.
33:05Well done.
33:08And here is your teaser.
33:09The words are elf's tits.
33:12The clue is, which way are they leaning?
33:14That's elf's tits.
33:15Which way are they leaning?
33:16See you after the break.
33:25Welcome back.
33:34The answer to the teaser.
33:35The words were elf's tits.
33:36The clue was, which way are they leaning?
33:38It was, of course, leftists.
33:40OK, before we go on, he's not on the show tonight,
33:43but he's turned up anyway.
33:45It's Joe Wilkinson.
33:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:08Right, Jimmy.
34:11Just brought some eggnog.
34:13Cos I love eggnog, so...
34:16Well, Merry Christmas.
34:18Ooh, wuss.
34:21Er, Joe, er...
34:23Paul, Paul, Paul, Joe, Joe.
34:28Although, although, it can make my head swell up.
34:33Basically, I'll be honest, I'm eggnog intolerant.
34:38But it's Christmas, so you can't not have eggnog, can you?
34:41Yeah.
34:43You weren't drinking quite a lot of eggnog there.
34:45Fabulous boy, bring it on a bit more eggnog, come out of eggnog.
35:02Thank you, mate.
35:03Oh, you're wondering why, um, Fabio brings his eggnog in his motorcycle sidecar.
35:16Yeah.
35:16Cos he's a fucking idiot.
35:18It's cos he's a fucking idiot.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:24Awww...
35:28What's happening?
35:29Oh, John's upset.
35:30Oh, right, yeah.
35:31Oh, no, it's John's upset.
35:32Oh, no, what's going on here?
35:33You can sense when someone thinks they can drink more eggnog than me.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:41This is gift.
35:42Well...
35:45John, Raph, do you reckon you can drink more eggnog than me?
35:47Well, all right, let's put your money where your mouth is.
35:49Let's play a little game I like to call...
35:52Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:57Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:03It's a simple game, John.
36:07It's to see if you can drink more eggnog than me.
36:12When you're ready, Jimmy.
36:13Gentlemen, your time starts now.
36:19I can feel the boils swelling up on the back of my head.
36:22Hold on, I can feel the boils swelling up on the back of my head.
36:26That is not good.
36:27Come on, John.
36:28It's gritty, it's gritty.
36:29It's definitely...
36:30John, you haven't even done the first one.
36:31It's that balls!
36:32Come on, John.
36:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:39John, come on.
36:40Ah...
36:41Don't let me slow you down, John.
36:42Yeah, I think...
36:43Ah, there's pus in the...
36:46This is a very expensive suit.
36:48There's pus in the eggnog.
36:50There's pus in the eggnog.
36:52There's some pus in the eggnog.
36:53There's some pus in the eggnog.
36:56There is, I'm going to warn you, there's pus in the eggnog.
36:58There's pus in my hair!
37:00You know what, to be fair to John, there is some pus in the eggnog.
37:05LAUGHTER
37:06Do you know what, let's call it a draw, there's pus in the eggnog.
37:10We'll play it now.
37:10Let's play Countdown!
37:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:13OK, on with the game.
37:22We were playing Countdown before whatever the fuck that was.
37:26Rob and Judy, your turn to choose.
37:28Right, here we go.
37:29Are you going to help?
37:30All right, I'll have a little sit down.
37:31You pick, darling.
37:33Are you doing it, Jo?
37:34Yeah.
37:34Can I get two vowels, please?
37:37Absolutely.
37:37Thank you, Jesus.
37:39I and an E, you all right?
37:40Yes, please, yeah.
37:41Three consonants.
37:42Three consonants, seems too many.
37:44P, M, W, or an H.
37:49PH.
37:49What's one of them?
37:51Three of them?
37:52Yeah, three of them, please.
37:53That could be M's or W's, it's up to you.
37:55I like it when Rachel does it.
37:58That could be one of those.
38:01Where's the P?
38:01You had a P earlier.
38:02Where's the P gone?
38:03Where's the P?
38:04It's absolutely none of your fucking music.
38:07I'll write down your shit and I'll do mine.
38:11Can I just confirm what we've got there?
38:13Can you read those letters to me?
38:14E, umla, ouch, M, Damian.
38:19A vowel, please.
38:21A vowel.
38:22Are we not having the P, then?
38:23He's gone, he's gone wrong.
38:25All right, OK.
38:28What's that one?
38:29Another bloody unknown.
38:32OK, your time starts now.
38:36I don't know whether to spell it or subtract it.
38:38How many?
38:46MUSIC
39:04Rob, how many? Four. Four?
39:06Judy, how many? Four.
39:08Home is my four.
39:10John, how many? Five.
39:12Ooh. OK, Daisy?
39:14Five if that's definitely a W.
39:18OK, Rob. C-O-M-E, calm.
39:20As in all ye faithful.
39:22John, your five? Chime.
39:24Chime?
39:26Oh, and Christmassy.
39:28Daisy, your five?
39:30I got hole. You got what?
39:32Hole.
39:34Can you stop trying to seduce me with this?
39:36Hole with a W.
39:38With an L?
39:40Oh, well, what's that, then?
39:42Oh, gosh.
39:44Now I've got nothing.
39:46I'm afraid at Christmas there's no L.
39:48Oh!
39:50Joan Richardson.
39:52APPLAUSE
39:54Five points to John and Daisy.
39:56Oh!
39:58Clap around.
40:00Katie, Susie, could they have done any better?
40:02Just vibes. Yeah.
40:04Could have had homey. OK.
40:06And Daisy are in the lead with 31 points.
40:08APPLAUSE
40:10And here is your final teaser.
40:14The words are...
40:16And the clue is, it's very good for you.
40:18That's elf sex ad, it's very good for you.
40:20See you after the break.
40:22APPLAUSE
40:24Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
40:40The words were, elf sex ad.
40:42The clue was, it's very good for you.
40:44It was, of course, flaxseed.
40:46OK, before we go on, as it's Christmas, let's play a quick game.
40:49I'll read out the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
40:52All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline.
40:55Could not be simpler.
40:56Five bonus points up on offer.
40:57So let's play, pull my cracker.
41:04Annoyingly, it does that when I say, pull my cracker.
41:11Probably best if no man says it.
41:13Pull my.
41:14Cracker!
41:16OK, what comes at the end of Christmas Day?
41:27Father Christmas.
41:29And boys, er...
41:31Boxing date.
41:34Any other guesses?
41:36Letter Y.
41:37That's the right boring answer.
41:39Yeah.
41:40APPLAUSE
41:42Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
41:47Because he doesn't believe in Western medicine.
41:55That is the right...
41:56Yeah, that's the right answer, yeah.
41:57Is it?
41:58Yeah.
41:59Cos he's in good health.
42:00Yeah, I'll give you that.
42:01APPLAUSE
42:03Nice.
42:04APPLAUSE
42:06Christmas.
42:07What is white and minty?
42:09What?
42:10My ass.
42:11Jimmy Carter.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:17Sorry, Judy.
42:18Judy?
42:19I was just going to say Jimmy.
42:21What, white and minty?
42:22Yeah.
42:23Yeah, that's exactly how I imagine him tasting.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:28How's your son?
42:30LAUGHTER
42:35Oh, Judy's gone.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:45A polo bear?
42:46A polo bear is the right answer.
42:48Oh.
42:49Yeah.
42:50OK, John got the most right, so John gets the points.
42:52Oh.
42:53Oh, for Pete's sake.
42:54Oh, my God.
42:55APPLAUSE
42:57OK, time for our final letters game.
42:59John, Daisy, your turn to choose.
43:01You're welcome to choose, but if you're just going to do that three vowels,
43:04five continents shit, I might do it myself.
43:06I'm going to do it, yeah.
43:07Can we have four vowels and five continents, please?
43:10LAUGHTER
43:11We've got A, O, E, U, D, T, B, L...
43:15And D.
43:17And a bonus T.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21OK, and your time starts now.
43:25Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
43:32And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:39Oh, the fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still good-bye.
43:46Oh, God, it's quiet!
43:47Oh, God.
43:48It's quiet!
43:49It's quiet!
43:51Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
43:54Oh, God!
43:55It's like I'm in a nightclub in Essex.
43:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:04Oh, God!
44:05Daisy, how many?
44:07Four.
44:08Four.
44:09OK, John, how many?
44:10Er...
44:11Seven how many Rob five five Judy five your four Desi lube
44:21Rob your five tubed
44:28That good. Yes, thank you. Yes, actually Judy you're fine adult adult John for the seventh
44:36doubled
44:41I've got to get Jimmy. I've got to get you on the count of three one two three. Hail Jimmy
44:53Katie could they have done any better? Yeah, they could have had buttload for eight
45:00It is now
45:02Okay, so Rob and Judy have 12 points John and Daisy have 43
45:12Now as it's Christmas, you know, we always do this on the show. Yeah, the conundrum at Christmas is worth 32 points
45:19That's always been a tradition on this show
45:22So for 32 points here's today's crucial Christmas countdown conundrum
45:27Oh great. Well, I'm sorry
45:39I'm sorry
45:40I'm sorry
45:41I'm sorry
45:42It's right there
45:43It's right there
45:45R-E
45:47Come on, it's right there. You can see it. I can see it, but I can't say it
45:51They go round and round
46:04Carousel
46:06Merry Christmas
46:08Merry Christmas
46:18So the final scores are
46:20John and Daisy have 43 points. Well done, which means our winners Rob and Judy with 44 points
46:26It's a Christmas miracle
46:30Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, the countdown elf upon a mantelpiece
46:35Thanks to all our fans, our wonderful studio audience, and for all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night and Merry Christmas
46:46Merry Christmas
47:16Merry Christmas
Schreibe den ersten Kommentar