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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carter!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson, Kyle Smith, Bino,
00:15Roisin Conaty, Lou Wall, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:18Yeah!
00:30Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there isn't a film.
00:35My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:47I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play the music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:30Hello and welcome to edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:42a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:46First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role
02:00as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:04He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:12I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15Do your grouchy voice.
02:17Go on.
02:20I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:23Oh, it's good!
02:25APPLAUSE
02:30And John's team mate, Roisin Conaty.
02:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:34Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
02:38so I think we finally solved the mystery
02:40as to why Woolworths went under.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47No, no, well, I'll be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:51Sort of the good, like, bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:53Forget I said Michael Jackson.
02:55LAUGHTER
03:01Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03APPLAUSE
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
03:10because he had big nipples.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14Which begs the question,
03:15how big are these nipples?
03:18LAUGHTER
03:19So, they've calmed down now,
03:20but there's a little bit of lump to them,
03:21but when I was going through puberty
03:23and your hormones were raging,
03:24they were big old puffy boys.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:27Ooh.
03:28And they looked like Jaffa Cakes,
03:29cos the areola is the chocolate flat bit.
03:32Then, on top of that,
03:34the orange-filled chocolate bit
03:36was the nipply bit.
03:37Ugh!
03:39Can I, um...
03:41Can I see you?
03:42Afterwards...
03:45Afterwards, you can.
03:47Why?
03:48I'll come over and show you, but not then.
03:49OK.
03:50Yeah.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53I'll go in, I'll have a look,
03:54I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57I want to see...
03:58I want to see if everyone's up there at all.
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02Oh, Jesus!
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05I saw it.
04:06Did you?
04:07Yeah.
04:08Oh, that is...
04:09That is not a normal.
04:10No, that's a normal...
04:11Oh, you sound like my mum.
04:12Yeah, that's...
04:13LAUGHTER
04:14I want to see all of your tits,
04:15if we're getting in comparison.
04:16Jimmy?
04:17Yeah.
04:18Show me your tits.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:20Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23OK.
04:24And joining Rob tonight,
04:25it's, er...
04:26Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:29APPLAUSE
04:34Kyle says he's scared of pigeons.
04:35Well, apologies.
04:36If we'd known you were scared of small,
04:38annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
04:39we wouldn't have sat anywhere near John.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42That's fair!
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:46Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I...
04:48I'm not sure,
04:49but I am very good at remembering my postcode.
04:51And that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54Fighting talk!
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05OK, Roisin, do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature,
05:10but nature's out to get me,
05:12and it feels...
05:13I have been, no exaggeration,
05:16locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:20It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, Jai.
05:25Oh, right, yeah.
05:26It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:33get a bit of attention, like, in with his nips.
05:35Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips out on Hampstead Heath,
05:38we'll all get locked in.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath that is open
05:44for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45There's, like, little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:47You find a bush.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it...
05:52They don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now, sorry.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:00Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while,
06:04and the problem is it's a very competitive...
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here
06:20are the bin men and women of the UK
06:23who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:26against their will
06:28and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35Not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:38So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:42APPLAUSE
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:58I don't know what you're eating.
06:59Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:00Uh, yeah.
07:01Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when he eat a Magnum.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07Right.
07:09John, that four cheese pizza's coming back to haunt me.
07:13All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
07:16That's Phil, everybody.
07:17APPLAUSE
07:18Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:24It's mad, isn't it?
07:26There's a guy at limb service who's now livid.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30Kyle, have you got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:33I didn't want to go Route 1.
07:35I thought outside of the box.
07:36Can we get Aurora?
07:39APPLAUSE
07:41Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49This is Aurora.
07:51And although it may look like I've never seen this bear before in my life...
07:54LAUGHTER
07:56..we actually went to drama school together.
07:58I'm not a great animal body language expert, but you don't seem the closest bear.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:05OK, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:11Maybe Aurora wants the snacks.
08:14Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:16Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23Come on, Aurora, we practise this.
08:26Snuffles, come on, Snuffles.
08:28She fucking hates you.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me, so back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:36Off you go.
08:38OK.
08:39APPLAUSE
08:40Aurora.
08:41Aurora.
08:42Aurora.
08:43Roisin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Jimmy Fee.
08:46What is your mascot?
08:47So, the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm,
08:51and which I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy Harpo.
08:54She's a little Maltese.
08:56So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:57Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:00And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:03They get done.
09:04What's it called?
09:05Snip.
09:06Snip, but a woman's snip.
09:07She got done.
09:08Spade.
09:09Spade.
09:10A scoop out.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Why did you know you were medical?
09:16She recently got spade, and ever since then, ever since she got spade,
09:21Yeah.
09:22She's turned into a real sex fiend.
09:26Her first sort of victim was this.
09:29Piggy.
09:30Now, I don't know if you can see, she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:33Now, it's a pig, so, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs,
09:36it's absolutely fine.
09:37This is not the worst of it.
09:39No!
09:40No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:43Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:46Yeah.
09:47I call it the pork screw.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:54My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:56My mum is indulging it, and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her
10:01while the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum and that pig had a three-way?
10:06No.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:11Oh!
10:12She's gone up a gear, so it escalated pretty fast.
10:15That's all sex stuff.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral,
10:21and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys of a little Maltese dog,
10:29but they bring her a lot of joy and they really calm her down,
10:32so I bought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:36APPLAUSE
10:37The worst bit is I use that one for a pillow on the train.
10:40Oh!
10:42Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:43Absolutely, yes.
10:45Now, I've been taking health and safety in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed, I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no defibrillator.
10:52What's that?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54There's no what?
10:55There's no what?
10:56Defibrillator.
10:57You know?
10:58Mmm!
10:59Pfft!
11:00Defibrillator.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02You're adding an extra...
11:03Defibrillator.
11:04What is it?
11:05What's that wrong?
11:06You're putting an L in there.
11:07No L.
11:08No L.
11:09Look it up, Suze.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11How are we spelling it?
11:13Defibrillator.
11:14Defibrillator.
11:15Is it...?
11:16Defibrillator.
11:17Defibrillator.
11:18Defibrillator.
11:19Let's be honest, no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23So, let's not worry.
11:24Anyway, we ain't got one, whatever you want to call it.
11:26Right.
11:27So, I was looking one up, very expensive,
11:29so I've tried to design my own.
11:31Ooh!
11:32Great idea.
11:33As a cost-effective safety measure.
11:34Great idea.
11:35So, I've got one.
11:36Do you want to see it?
11:37Yeah.
11:38APPLAUSE
11:43Do you want me to show you how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:46I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:50So, this is how it would work.
11:55I hope you don't mind, I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:58So, yeah, so you hook it up, like this.
12:03There we go.
12:04And then, this is how it works.
12:06You need to be defibrillated, yeah?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear!
12:16That's it.
12:17So, here we go.
12:18So, you put it on, and then...
12:19Clear!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it, too.
12:27Yeah, anyway, so this is mine.
12:28So, if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:31Well, back at everyone with these defibrillators.
12:33There's a defibrillator.
12:36There we go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:43Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45It's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:48Yeah.
12:51She's coming and fighting!
12:53She's coming and fighting!
12:55OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
12:57Hi.
13:02Lou is six foot four.
13:03To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
13:09Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:10Hello.
13:11I'm Lou.
13:12I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:15I like it here.
13:16It rules.
13:17But there's some cultural differences.
13:18Like, you guys call a toilet a loo.
13:21That's...
13:23But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet.
13:26Like, white and full of fucking shit.
13:31Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:32Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:34I like letters, I like literacy, but, like, if I am bad at it,
13:37it's, like, because it's, like, hereditary.
13:39Um, recently, I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad hab died.
13:45Followed by Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:52And then, uh, she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking auto carrot.
13:57LAUGHTER
14:02And with Lou, of course, it's Susie Denner.
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
14:13And that sentence also works if you remove the word novel.
14:19Uh, Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:22I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:27This six-seven thing, which is everywhere,
14:28that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've heard six-seven?
14:31Hmm.
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:34Yes.
14:35No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:37The derivation is, um, either a rap song
14:40or, uh, something to do with a basketball's height, I think.
14:44But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know,
14:46how tall are you?
14:47Six-seven?
14:48Did you say six-seven instead of six-four?
14:50Uh, what time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52Uh, you're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:55Um, so anyway, I find this completely fascinating
15:00because not even the kids know what it means.
15:02They lose break time at my daughter's school now
15:04if they say six-seven.
15:05Ooh.
15:06They lose break time.
15:07Do they?
15:08It's that endemic.
15:09Six-seven.
15:10They lose break time during maths.
15:11Like, if I ask a question...
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week,
15:16we've started playing this game where there's, like,
15:18numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went,
15:22you know that's what I do for a living.
15:24And she went, do you?
15:25Do you?
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road.
15:34And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:36APPLAUSE
15:41Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like... Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature
15:47in loads of different places.
15:48So, in seashells it appears, in flowers.
15:52And it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi,
15:55the Greek letter phi.
15:57And it also appears in beautiful faces,
15:59the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:02So, what I think happened was when you went to your plastic surgeon,
16:06he got confused between phi face and pie face.
16:13So, when you go back, you should ask for the golden ratio
16:16next time, rather than that.
16:25OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
16:27the Countdown Camouflage Kit.
16:30Ooh!
16:31APPLAUSE
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you.
16:40Boys, show them where you are.
16:48OK, let's count on, everyone.
16:49Time for the first game.
16:50John, Roisin, you get the first turn to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:58Rachel, may I have four...
17:01Oh.
17:02A consonant.
17:04S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just, if you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just put nine letters up there?
17:12No.
17:13You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it,
17:15I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness.
17:17OK.
17:18Does that make you feel better?
17:19Does that make you feel better?
17:20No.
17:21Another...
17:22Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:23W?
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I want to say...
17:27I'm hiding my sadness.
17:28Look, we're out for the kids.
17:29Eat the feature express and try and have a good day.
17:32We're neighbours.
17:33He's an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:36N.
17:37Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:40He's a cardigan wearer.
17:41He's not.
17:42He's absolute filth.
17:43Another consonant.
17:44P.
17:45Er, and a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:46E.
17:47Erm, and another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:48O.
17:49And another vowel.
17:50A.
17:51Last two are yours.
17:52One of each, please, Rachel.
17:53One of each.
17:54Just get them out of there, I don't really care.
17:55A U.
17:56And an L.
17:57I've gone right off the countdown music.
17:58I'm going to...
17:59A.
18:00One of each.
18:01One of each.
18:02Just get them out of there, I don't really care.
18:03A U.
18:04And an L.
18:05I've gone right off the countdown music.
18:08I'm going to...
18:10I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:22Your time starts...
18:23Now.
18:25La, la, la, la.
18:27La, la, la.
18:29CHOIR SINGS
18:59CHOIR SINGS
19:01APPLAUSE
19:07Jon, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:10Define having a go on.
19:13Singing or receiving?
19:15Just have a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:18CHOIR SINGS
19:22There's no noise coming out of that.
19:24CHOIR SINGS
19:31Hang on, I'm going to the other end.
19:33This guy, look at this.
19:39It's like a forearm.
19:41There's no sound at all there.
19:44Come closer, Clarice.
19:48What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone.
19:53Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.
19:59Jon Hammagnettis.
20:01Seven.
20:02Seven.
20:03Mm.
20:04Roisin?
20:05Six.
20:06Rob?
20:07Five.
20:08Kyle?
20:09Seven.
20:10Ooh!
20:11He came to play.
20:12Oh, yeah, for real.
20:13All right, Rob, your five?
20:14Leaps.
20:15OK, Roisin, your six?
20:16Planes.
20:18Jon, your seven?
20:19Weapons.
20:21Kyle, your seven?
20:22Weapons.
20:23Yes.
20:24OK, seven points to both, James.
20:28By the way, I'm excited about it.
20:29You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about me.
20:33One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got 11 options.
20:38In the same time, I got leaps.
20:42Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:45What was the other seven?
20:46Apolloon.
20:47It's a beautiful word.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon,
20:52and it's the opposite of the periloon.
20:54OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones.
20:59All the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:0110 and 10.
21:02That's 20 already.
21:03One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, 847.
21:09Oh, shit.
21:10OK, and your time starts now.
21:22OK, so the target was 847.
21:23Roisin, did you get it?
21:24I did.
21:25No good.
21:26Do you want it?
21:27Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec.
21:28It won't be there in a minute.
21:29John, did you get it?
21:30I think I got 848.
21:31Rob, did you get it?
21:32I got 800.
21:33Kyle, did you get it?
21:34No, I got 840.
21:35Roisin, how did you do it?
21:36So I did.
21:37I got 840.
21:38I got 840.
21:39Roisin, how did you do it?
21:40So I did.
21:41I got 840.
21:42OK, so the target was 847.
21:44Roisin, did you get it?
21:45I did.
21:46No good.
21:47Do you want it?
21:48Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec.
21:49It won't be there in a minute.
21:51John, did you get it?
21:53I think I got 848.
21:55Rob, did you get it?
21:56I got 800.
21:57Kyle, did you get it?
21:59No.
22:00I got 840.
22:01Roisin, how did you do it?
22:02OK.
22:03So I did...
22:0410 times 75.
22:07Oh, no, er, er, yeah, so, er...
22:10Mmm...
22:12750.
22:13I got it wrong, cos I got it down as 800.
22:16But add a 10 onto the 75.
22:18Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one!
22:20Well, you get 850 and then there's a 3 there.
22:23I mean...
22:24Oh, wow.
22:25Yeah!
22:26It's the easiest one we've had in...
22:27I didn't get it.
22:28I'm so sure I had it.
22:29That's not allowed, is it?
22:3110 points to me.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:34Were you good at maths at college or at school?
22:36No.
22:37Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
22:39It's like you've just turned off.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:43You just bring it up with your manufacturer.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:48John, how did you get what you got?
22:5075...
22:52...times 10 plus 1.
22:54Plus 1 for 85.
22:5610.
22:57And then somewhere else...
22:5810...
22:5910...
23:0010 times 3.
23:01What are you doing?
23:02This is not your styling.
23:03Oh, I don't know.
23:04It's gone.
23:05Roisin got it wrong.
23:06John's nothing written down.
23:07We've got 840.
23:08Kite and off you go.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:1075 times 10.
23:111 plus 3 is 4 times 10.
23:14Times the other 10, 40.
23:16Add those together.
23:17790 plus 50.
23:18Yep.
23:197 away.
23:20APPLAUSE
23:21OK.
23:22Quite close to Kyle.
23:24So, John and Roisin are on 7 points.
23:26Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12.
23:28APPLAUSE
23:32And here is your teaser.
23:33The words are, send tits, the clue is, open wide.
23:36That's send tits, open wide.
23:38See you after the break.
23:39APPLAUSE
23:49Welcome back.
23:50The answer to the teaser.
23:51The words were, send tits, the clue was, open wide.
23:52It was, of course, dentists.
23:53So, Rob and Kyle are in the lead.
23:54They've been playing in teams so far.
23:55But this game is just for Rob and Roisin.
23:56Hmm.
23:57So, Rob, your turn to choose.
23:58Do you know what?
23:59I think it's good that John has a little break from this
24:00because I think his head's completely gone.
24:01I agree.
24:02He's not happy.
24:03Kyle's turned up.
24:04And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown,
24:06he also has a little break from this because I think
24:07his head's completely gone.
24:08I agree.
24:09He's not happy.
24:10Kyle's turned up.
24:11And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown,
24:13he also is cool.
24:14He's not cool, Rob.
24:15He's in a cardigan.
24:16Well, yeah.
24:17He turned up in his outfit but in a cool one.
24:19So, I think it's good you have a little break
24:20because you don't seem yourself.
24:21I don't want to be myself.
24:22I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this round.
24:26I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:28Does he?
24:29Well, he's done you again.
24:30Pick some letters.
24:31OK, cool.
24:32Please, can I have...
24:33You pick.
24:34You're in charge, Rach.
24:35Er...
24:36R...
24:37E.
24:38T.
24:39There we go.
24:40I.
24:41M.
24:42A.
24:43S.
24:44This is a good one.
24:45I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:46Is he?
24:47Well, he's done you again.
24:48Pick some letters.
24:49OK, cool.
24:50Please, can I have...
24:51You pick.
24:52You're in charge, Rach.
24:54Er...
24:55R.
24:57E.
24:58T.
24:59There we go.
25:01I.
25:02M.
25:03A.
25:04S.
25:05This is a great one.
25:07E.
25:08And the last one.
25:09T.
25:10And your time starts...
25:13Now.
25:20OK.
25:21John, could you give me a hand with this?
25:34Yeah.
25:35.
25:36Yeah.
25:37.
25:47T it round the back, mate.
25:49.
25:50Aw, yeah.
25:51Does anyone want a beer?
25:52I'll have a go.
25:53OK, what lovely!
25:54Aw.
25:55Oh, is that a normal flow for you?
26:09Salty than you think the stones sink to the bottom
26:17Anyone else want a beer you need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out mate
26:25They're not bending how they should
26:28It's like a cow trying to go upstairs
26:33Do you want to try some?
26:37Oh, John!
26:44I feel very paternal
26:49Thank you, Daddy
26:50Let's bring out the beers, yeah
26:51Oh, hello, Roisin's on ahead dude
26:53Is there any more?
26:55Just worth letting everyone know I had asparagus for lunch
26:59Thanks, John
27:05Oh, Roisin, how many?
27:07I mean, I'm sort of nervous
27:09Okay
27:10I've got nine
27:11Wow
27:14This is a big deal, okay
27:17Have I not got nine?
27:18You've got a really good eight
27:21Why?
27:23There isn't, there is
27:24Yeah, but only the one of them
27:27Oh, John
27:30He can't even let his own teammate do well
27:32You're a disgrace
27:34He couldn't even let her have a moment
27:36He did though, he sort of saved me
27:37Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
27:40What? How many have you got?
27:41I've got a seven
27:43Okay
27:43What is your seven?
27:44Matters
27:45Roisin, your eight
27:47Mistreat
27:48I thought it was mistreats
27:50Got very excited
27:52I'm going to give you the eight
27:52I think the eight's very good
27:53Yeah
27:54Yeah
27:57Lou, Susie
27:59Could they have done any better?
28:00We had a couple of eights
28:01We had Stemia
28:02Emirates
28:03Emirates?
28:03Not as in the Arsenal ground
28:05But as in the
28:06The province of an Emir
28:08Okay, so at the end of that
28:09Rob and Kyle have 12 points
28:11John and Roisin have 15
28:15An eight
28:16An eight
28:17I really tried
28:18I think to be fair, you needed that
28:21Because John's going up against Kyle now
28:23I've got faith in my teammate
28:26He's shown consistency
28:28He's not a braggadocious player
28:30And will take us to the final
28:32Do you know what?
28:32I feel the same about mine
28:33But I'm not having to fluff him up
28:35Because his head's gone
28:37No need
28:38You've been fluffing all night
28:38He's down there rock hard
28:40It's very rare on this show
28:42That teammates refer to each other as rock hard
28:46Can I just say
28:48No
28:48I'm absolutely fine
28:50And if Kyle does well
28:51That benefits the show
28:55Hello, Rachel
28:56I don't
28:57Six small, please
28:58Six
29:01Do you like the numbers, John?
29:03Confident with six small
29:04I don't mind the numbers
29:04I don't mind the letters
29:05I just appreciate good friends
29:07Having a good time
29:09For the tricky selection
29:10We've got five
29:12Seven
29:12Four
29:13Three
29:15Ten and nine
29:16And the target
29:17185
29:19And your time starts now
29:26Eight
29:48One
29:49Two
29:49I
29:52Smug much John
29:54How's your boy doing?
29:58Placid now
30:00Gail did you get it? 184. Okay, John, did you get it? I think I've got it. Yeah. How did you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no less mug
30:1419 times 7 plus 3
30:16190 take away that little man can have you a lap of honor 10 points
30:27How do you feel about Kyle did you how do you feel about that? I would have liked to have won that one actually
30:33Yeah, it's weird cuz I believed him when he said it. Yeah, he's a good actor
30:40He's not in Waterloo Road. No, he's not is that a compliment
30:46I
30:48Not a little blue smurf is a I got four lines and three of them wet
30:56Okay, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points I John Roisin have 25
31:04Okay time now to go across to Dictionary Corner Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08Okay, so I had a really shitty old bed frame and so I put it on an online marketplace for free
31:15And this is that story. I have turned it into a musical. You're welcome
31:21And for context all you need to know is that the bed frame is up there for free
31:27This is how it began
31:29Is the bed frame still available? Yes, it is gay emoji
31:36Can I please negotiate the price? No, why?
31:41It's free
31:43You're on a hard bargain, Lucia
31:45But that's just not the way marketplace working
31:48I was like, alright, how about half price just for you Eileen? How much now?
31:53Still free
31:55Dance, dance, dance
31:56You are the best
31:58Potty, potty
31:59Here's my address
32:01Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now
32:04How about a small distance?
32:07I said Eileen, I can't be clearer
32:09It's free to pick up
32:10Can you drive it to me, please?
32:12What the fuck?
32:13Please, no, please, no, please, no, please, no, please, no, I don't own a car
32:18Why didn't you say something?
32:20I can drive
32:21See you tomorrow
32:22Fine
32:23So at this point, like, I go to bed, I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning
32:28And then very early the next morning, I receive this text
32:33Lucia, I'm out the front
32:36Sent at 5am
32:39I said see you at 5
32:42Please come out and let me in
32:45I should've known not to trust you
32:47Axe, pickaxe, feya
32:48I should've known you didn't care
32:50Fire
32:51Fire
32:52I show up on time
32:53Are you dead?
32:55Please
32:57Where is bed?
33:01How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:04Knock, knock, knock
33:05I'm like, let me in
33:07No, it's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame
33:10What time then?
33:11I'm like, could you come back at 8?
33:13But I'm outside
33:14Yeah, my housemates are sleeping
33:16Should I just not
33:18This is getting creepy
33:19I go back to sleep
33:21I wake up at 8
33:22Is she there?
33:23No, 12 hours later though
33:24Who she is again?
33:25Lucia, I'm here again
33:27It's 8pm
33:28Yes, where is the bed?
33:30Is the concept of
33:31Time too hard for you to comprehend
33:33You're 12 hours late Eileen
33:35I can't get you the bed
33:36Like I'm at work right now
33:38Okay, like I'm not even home
33:39But I came all the way back for it
33:41Yeah, I know
33:42No
33:43Please
33:44Heartbreak emoji
33:45Pumpkin emoji
33:46Sorry typo
33:47Seriously, please
33:48Wear the bed
33:49So bad
33:50Oh my god, that lady's back
33:51What can you help her get the bed shot?
33:52Okay
33:53My housemate is home
33:54Knock on the door
33:55Ask for Tim
33:56402
33:57No, 403
33:58Knock, knock, knock
33:59It's 403
34:00Knock, knock, knock
34:01Anyone in?
34:02Angry dolphin pile of shit
34:03This is not what I expected
34:04I'm taking off the bedding
34:05And the pillow and the mattress
34:06What? There is no bedding
34:07Just talk to Tim
34:08He'll show you what to take
34:09Is this free?
34:10Picture of a pillow
34:11That's not my pillow
34:12Taking pillow
34:13Where'd you get the pillow
34:14Where the fuck are you?
34:15Is Eileen there?
34:16Oh my god
34:17It's perfect
34:18It's exactly what I want
34:19Bigger than I thought
34:20And free bedding
34:21Thank you
34:22Five stars
34:23Miss call, miss call, miss call
34:24Miss call, miss call
34:25Miss call, miss call
34:26Cannot talk driving
34:27With bed
34:28I said Eileen
34:29Yay, I don't think you took my bed
34:30Tim said you never picked it up
34:31Tim said you never picked it up
34:32Thank you for the bed Lucia
34:33Miss call, Eileen Five R
34:35A message from my neighbour
34:36We've just been robbed
34:37And then she's been taken
34:38Block your doors
34:40Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed
34:44My bed's still here
34:46You took the wrong bed
34:47From the wrong house
34:48I did no such thing
34:50Then she blocks me
34:51I said Eileen
34:52Please
34:53Where is bed?
34:54You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you
35:04I mean 100%
35:05Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available
35:09How much do you want for it?
35:11And here is your teaser
35:14The words are penis hat
35:16The clue is don't be so dramatic
35:18That's penis hat
35:19Don't be so dramatic
35:20See you after the break
35:21See you after the break
35:38Welcome back
35:39The answer to the teaser
35:40The words were penis hat
35:41The clue was don't be so dramatic
35:43It was of course
35:44Thespian
35:45Rob and Kyle
35:46You're 13 points behind
35:48Yeah
35:49Lucky so
35:50We thought we would give you a little bit of extra help
35:52In the form of
35:53The award-winning comedian
35:54Winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award
35:56Sam Nickaresti
35:58Welcome to her
35:59Welcome to Sam
36:05Nice to be here
36:06Sorry I'm late
36:07I was backstage
36:08Hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world
36:12Okay, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award
36:14Which is very impressive
36:15But we're all winners here
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field
36:17We've got Britain's smallest man
36:21TV's most chatty horse
36:22And the world's most pointless mathematician
36:26I don't know which one of us is the horse
36:28There's three in the running
36:35Now, have you brought a mascot?
36:37Do you know, I have brought a mascot actually, Jimmy
36:39Let me get it up
36:40Here we go
36:41How about this?
36:42Ooh
36:43Yeah, I bought this from home
36:45What do you reckon?
36:47Ah, nice
36:48Have you seen this?
36:49Have you seen one of those before?
36:50Ooh
36:51Wow
36:52Yeah?
36:53You like that?
36:54Yeah
36:55I'm not going to go to the trains
36:56Because much like my hero the Siberian Railway
36:57I am also trans
36:59So
37:00Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of the liberal future come to haunt your problematic nan at Christmas
37:13I don't know if anyone else here is really worried, but very hard, very hard being trans
37:18When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend a couple years ago and she was really good with it
37:22But like, you have to be honest, it's not really clear how you come out to your girlfriend about being trans
37:27Like, what do you do? Sit down and say, honey, huge news, you're gay
37:32That's
37:35I mean, we're in trouble
37:36I was tuning in to the news the other day and they were saying, ah, trans women, they better stay away from sports
37:43My pleasure
37:44What the hell?
37:45For me, that's the entire point
37:49Do you know, like, I would have transitioned in secondary school if I knew it came with a sick note
37:54That's a sick note
37:56Big fun, but yes, my pronouns are she, they, but that's neither her nor their
38:00And I
38:06OK, John, Roshi, your turn to choose the letters
38:10Hello, Rachel
38:11Hi, John
38:12Could we have a conversation, please?
38:14Yes, boss
38:17R
38:18And another one, please
38:19Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths
38:21Geez
38:22Well, he's done the maths, but I still don't think he can do Kyle at spelling
38:24And we're going to see that play out, and I'm quite excited
38:27A vowel, please
38:29O
38:31A consonant, please
38:33And I think Sam's going to be really good as well, so you really have to try hard
38:38A vowel, please
38:40E
38:41Another vowel, please, Rachel
38:43I
38:44And another consonant, then
38:47C
38:48Yeah, that's nice
38:49Kick your vibes up
38:50And, oh, love a consonant, please, in this game I love with my friends
38:56N
38:58And then another consonant, please, old friend
39:02Time for my old mate
39:03Aw
39:04OK, all right, your time starts now
39:06Time starts now
39:37Rob, how many you got? I've got five. You've got five. Kyle, how many? Seven. Seven, okay. Roisin? Five. Okay. Sam, how many? I think I might have a nine. I think. John? I also have a nine. Oh. What is your five? My five is rinse. Rinse. Rob, your five? Gonna. Oh. Gonna. They're a goner. That is a word. Rinse. I'm
40:06actually has an S, not a C. Roisin's a goner. Roisin's a goner. What's your seven? Cringer. Cringer. Oh. No. Er, yes.
40:36Actually, yes. Okay, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word on the count of three. All right, you ready? One, two, three. Cornering. Wow. 18 points for both teams. Huge.
40:50Okay. Here is your final teaser. The words are scene fart. The clue is seal that up. That's scene fart. Seal that up. See you after the break.
41:02Thank you. Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were scene fart. The clue was seal that up. It was, of course, fastener.
41:24Oh. Okay. Time for our final letters game. Sam, your turn to choose. Oh, Mike. Okay. Erm, please, may I have a consonant?
41:32You may, indeed. And... T. Oh. Yes. And then, er, two vowels. A, U. Consonant, please. D. Okay. I think a vowel. Good choice. I. Thank you.
41:48Erm, well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice again. Consonant, right? S. No. I'm not happy with that at all, no. Erm, consonant.
41:58M. A vowel. I've got another A. Er, and then a consonant. And the last one. R. Cool. I might have a crack on this,
42:07because I find the game boring. Okay, your time starts now.
42:18Let's go.
42:48No.
43:00Rob, how many?
43:02Six.
43:03Kyle?
43:04Seven.
43:05Sam?
43:06Six.
43:07Roisin?
43:08Five.
43:10OK. John?
43:11Seven.
43:13Oh!
43:15Kyle!
43:17Roisin, your five?
43:19Mittal.
43:20What, sorry?
43:21Mittal?
43:23How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:26How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:30My, my, my towel?
43:32Yeah.
43:33Oh, yeah.
43:34That's the one.
43:35So you wrote a U and you couldn't be asked to finish it so it was an L?
43:38It's not, it's just a sort of half finish.
43:40Look, the word was causing me the most, I gave up at the end, I thought this isn't a word,
43:43so I bailed out on the U.
43:45But now it seems like it is a word, am I right?
43:47Check your account.
43:52It's not in yet.
43:53Rob, your six.
43:54Rudest.
43:55Rudest.
43:56Yeah.
43:57Yeah, that feels more on problem.
43:58How are you spelling rudest?
43:59Er, nudist with an R.
44:01R.
44:02Oh, OK, she don't look happy.
44:04I can't believe this is in.
44:06Oh, well, I tell you what, shove it.
44:09Because it is in.
44:10Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no.
44:13No, it's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:16Absolutely.
44:17I just thought it was something that was the rudest.
44:21I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic, Jimmy.
44:24LAUGHTER
44:25That's fair.
44:27Sam, your six.
44:29Autism.
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium.
44:32John, your seven.
44:33I've got mustard.
44:34What's the other word?
44:35Marauds.
44:36Oh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that, so I'm chickened out.
44:39Oh, right.
44:40It's never stopped rushing.
44:43OK, seven points to both teams.
44:45APPLAUSE
44:50OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens.
44:53More sevens.
44:54We have marauds and traumas and samurai.
44:56Ooh, samurai would have been good.
44:58These are the words.
44:59OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:03John and Roisin have 50.
45:05Oh.
45:06Well done, Labour.
45:09OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:15BUZZER
45:16BUZZER
45:17BUZZER
45:19BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:28BUZZER
45:29BUZZER
45:31BUZZER
45:32BUZZER
45:33BUZZER
45:34BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:37Oh, Sam.
45:38Er...
45:39Is it staunched?
45:41Is that even a word?
45:43Let's see if Sam is right.
45:44Let's see if Sam is right.
45:55So, the final scores are Rob and Kyle and Sam have 47 points,
45:59but our winners, Jon and Roisin, are with 50.
46:02Congratulations. You are now the proud owner of this,
46:05the Countdown Camouflage Kit.
46:08APPLAUSE
46:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:14and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Good night!
46:38APPLAUSE
46:44LAUGHTER
46:49MUSIC
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