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00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30Yes, hello! Welcome to Taskmaster, a show that is as meaningful
00:38as an old man sweeping up autumnal leaves,
00:41only to have them blown across the garden overnight.
00:44And yet, five people want to take part. Why?
00:47Ego? A competitive streak?
00:49Well, according to a chat I just had in the green room
00:52with one of the competitors, it's no more complicated
00:55than an unhappy home life.
00:57Let's play on and welcome them...
01:00Anya Magliano!
01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:03Macy Edda!
01:05Phil Ellis!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:08Rhys Shearsman!
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:11And Sanji Bosco!
01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15And next to me, a man who once told me
01:18that there isn't a single presenter in the ITV daytime schedule
01:22that he hasn't thought about when having solo fun time.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:30Here's little Alex Hall!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37Let's have a look at the prize task.
01:39What an outstanding idea from the opulent orca,
01:42and this time they brought in the present
01:44that would most make you say this
01:46if you received it on your birthday.
01:48Oh, that's just the most gorgeous gift ever.
01:51Greg will give five points for the best one,
01:53and they will all go home with the episode winner,
01:55whether they like it or not.
01:57Over to you, Greg.
01:58First, then...
01:59Rhys, what do you think I think is gorgeous?
02:03I fashioned from an old doll's house a haunted house.
02:08So if you want to see what it was
02:10when it initially got it off eBay...
02:12And this is what Rhys made.
02:14Wow!
02:16Oh, that is lovely.
02:17APPLAUSE
02:18It's gorgeous and opulent.
02:21This is Rhys in action.
02:22So you actually did do it as well.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Pump...
02:26I made the pumpkins.
02:27Yeah.
02:28Put the glass in the windows.
02:29Broke the windows.
02:30Curtains.
02:31And also, it lights up.
02:32I put lights in it.
02:33Look at that.
02:34Oh!
02:35Look at that!
02:36I mean, we're looking at what?
02:37A day's work there?
02:38Two weeks, Greg.
02:40Non-stop, up in the morning.
02:43Getting up, setting the alarm, going downstairs.
02:46Spraying, painting.
02:47You got up, then set the alarm?
02:49No, no, that was a good way around.
02:5114 days?
02:53Yes!
02:54Wow!
02:55Gorgeous.
02:56It's gorgeous.
02:57What a disappointingly positive start.
02:59Don't worry.
03:00Phil.
03:01It's a picture of Phil with a mayor.
03:03There we are.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:10That's not just any mayor.
03:11No.
03:12That's the mayor of Preston.
03:13Ooh, the big one!
03:15Speaking of big ones, what's that behind him?
03:18Well, it's the biggest bus station in Europe.
03:21Wow.
03:22Preston bus station.
03:23And I'm wearing a Preston North End shirt holding a Preston Guild plate.
03:26Is it a plate?
03:27Yeah.
03:28And I had to find a way to meet the mayor, and it's a lot easier than you think.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32Very good.
03:34Anya?
03:35I wrote a book.
03:36Ooh.
03:37And I wrote a book of all the gossip I've heard in my life.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43It's a lovely book.
03:44It's a big book.
03:45It's a gorgeous-looking book.
03:46It's a gorgeous book.
03:47And I wrote a title for it as well.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50She genuinely did do this.
03:52Yep.
03:53There's 100 pages...
03:54Of just malicious chit-chat.
03:56Great, look at this.
03:57Ooh, it's like a serial killer's diary.
03:59Yeah.
04:00That is insane.
04:01Is...
04:02I don't really know what the Magna Carta is.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:07Is that gossipy?
04:09Is that gossipy?
04:10It's the...
04:11This is the introduction page.
04:13Is gossip gorgeous?
04:15Yeah.
04:16Not according to the points I've just given you.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:21Maisie.
04:22I've got you, Greg, a ball on the end of a string.
04:26OK.
04:27No, no, no, no, no.
04:28You might be back in the game.
04:29No.
04:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:31I did some digging, and I found a chat forum of people
04:35who had encountered Greg Davies throughout their life.
04:38It's very personal, because I found on this chat forum
04:41someone who was taught by you when you were a teacher.
04:44Oh, God.
04:45I had him as a drama teacher for a year.
04:47I don't remember him doing a lot of teaching,
04:49and we mostly pissed around in class.
04:52His warm-up exercise was swinging a ball attached to a rope
04:57around the room that you had to jump over and duck under.
05:01APPLAUSE
05:03The 90s were a different time in education.
05:10Different time.
05:11Only one left now, Greg.
05:12Hello, Sanjeev.
05:13Have you bought something gorgeous?
05:14I...
05:15Well, something that would make you say,
05:17this is the most gorgeous thing ever.
05:18I kind of made something that was practical.
05:21Oh.
05:22It is a tea towel.
05:24It is a tea towel.
05:25Yes.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27But it's...
05:28But it's this tea towel, Greg.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:35Clever?
05:36Clever.
05:37It's clever.
05:38But he's cleverly tricked me into saying
05:39it's the most gorgeous gift ever.
05:40What do you mean, trick you?
05:41Nobody made you do anything.
05:42You just read that, and then you said that out loud.
05:44You said the thing that was in the task.
05:45All right, all right.
05:46I'll drop the lawsuit.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:50OK, let's go.
05:51Right.
05:52I thought the stones on the outside of the book were truly gorgeous,
05:55but then inside it was just horrible.
05:57Spiteful, malicious, classic.
05:59OK, one point to Anya.
06:00One point to Anya.
06:01Got it.
06:02Um...
06:03Is it gorgeous, me being reminded what a terrible teacher I was?
06:06It was...
06:07It was nice and fun.
06:08Right.
06:09No.
06:10Two points.
06:11Two points to Maisie.
06:12Three points to Sanjeev.
06:14I enjoyed the trick, but it wasn't an especially gorgeous item.
06:17I don't know why I found Phil standing next to a mare gorgeous.
06:20Four points.
06:21And, of course, you know,
06:23any man who isolates himself for a fortnight...
06:26..painting a ghost house.
06:28Gorgeous.
06:29£5.
06:31APPLAUSE
06:32Let's crack on.
06:34Yes, I think we should, Greg.
06:35And just like when I go to a trendy nightclub in any capital city,
06:38this one involves everyone trying to get my number.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42One...
06:45Two...
06:46Three...
06:47Four...
06:48Two...
06:49Two...
06:50Three...
06:51Four...
06:52Start.
06:53You all right?
06:54Yep, I've decided to have a seat.
06:55You look a bit...
06:56I don't know.
06:57Pensive, worried.
06:58Everything okay?
06:59Yeah, they're pretty accurate.
07:01Oh, hi.
07:02When are you going to learn to keep dragging back in here to do things?
07:06Yeah.
07:07Well, I've got to be here.
07:08What have you been up to?
07:09It's not that sort of situation.
07:11Okay, let's crack on then.
07:12Should I go into the task?
07:14Yes.
07:15Happy birthday, is it?
07:17Is it your birthday?
07:19Well...
07:20Ah.
07:21Hmm.
07:22It is this year.
07:23Capricorn?
07:24This.
07:25That's for you.
07:26Yeah.
07:27These are mine.
07:2920 beads.
07:30Mm-hm.
07:31Yeah, nice.
07:32You know, I come from a hinterland of culture which contains many beads.
07:38In fact, people go there to...to buy beads.
07:42Where are you from?
07:43I was born in West London.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Yeah.
07:47Cool, if you want to open the task.
07:49Yeah.
07:50What number has Alex written down?
07:52You may ask no more than 20 questions.
07:55Alex may only say yes or no.
07:57And you must be increasingly surprised by every answer.
08:01Your time starts now and ends when you say the correct number
08:05or ask your 20th question.
08:08OK.
08:09And you can only answer yes or no.
08:14Yes.
08:15Ooh!
08:16LAUGHTER
08:18APPLAUSE
08:20Mm.
08:21Ah.
08:22Mm.
08:23Interesting.
08:24Very much so.
08:25APPLAUSE
08:27You've gone in pretty surprised early doors there, haven't you?
08:30Yeah, I pitched it far too well much, yeah.
08:32Oh, my God.
08:33By the end, you're going to just be screaming, aren't you?
08:36Ooh!
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38Great.
08:39Let's crack on with it.
08:40Right, well, first to become increasingly surprised
08:42whilst guessing my number are Maisie, Reetie and Philly.
08:48Is your number between...
08:511 and 10?
08:52No.
08:53Mm.
08:54Single digits?
08:55No.
08:56Mm.
08:57Higher than 50?
08:58Yes.
08:59Ooh!
09:00Is the number by any chance a prime number?
09:03No.
09:04Wish I knew what a prime number was.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08That is a good question.
09:09Is your number...
09:11Lower than 50?
09:12Three numbers.
09:13Is it between 1 and 100?
09:15No.
09:16No.
09:17No.
09:18Oh!
09:19Is your number, er...
09:2463?
09:25No.
09:26Are you kidding?
09:27It's not under 100?
09:28No.
09:29Is it over 100?
09:30Yes.
09:31If you were playing for this number in pounds, would it be higher than the £64,000 question
09:40on who wants to be a millionaire?
09:42Yes.
09:43Yes!
09:44Yes!
09:45Yes!
09:46I've lost track of where the numbers are.
09:48I know.
09:49I've lost track of the numbers it is and isn't beginning with.
09:52I know.
09:53I've wasted so many questions, haven't I?
09:55Yes.
09:56I don't think I care what the number is.
09:58That's the tricky thing, you know.
10:00Hmm.
10:01Is your number on the end of that telephone?
10:05No.
10:06No.
10:07Right!
10:08I'm just going to take this call.
10:10PHONE RINGS
10:13Hello, Lil Wayne.
10:15Maisie speaking.
10:16360.
10:18PHONE RINGS
10:23Is your number 360?
10:25No.
10:27That's insane!
10:29Is the number in this room?
10:32Yes, I've written it down.
10:34I could just find the number, couldn't I?
10:37Yes.
10:38Right.
10:39Come on then, Nick.
10:40Try not to ask me any more questions, I would say.
10:42Why's that?
10:43Oh.
10:44Do you remember, um...
10:46What do you know about my number at this stage, Rhys?
10:49It's higher than 50.
10:50I think you're 11 questions.
10:51Wait a minute, what the fuck's this?
10:55Is the number you've written down the answer to this?
10:59Yes.
11:00Well, don't we have a conundrum?
11:04Is that a question?
11:06Has your number got a one in it?
11:08Yes.
11:09No!
11:10Is the one in the number, your number, at the beginning of the number?
11:13Yes.
11:14No, we're getting somewhere.
11:15Is the second number...
11:17a number between one and ten?
11:19No.
11:20Is your number, second number, a zero?
11:22Yes, but you've only got one question left.
11:24Right, OK.
11:25Is your number...
11:26This is the final question.
11:27Right, yes, of course, I know!
11:32Is your number ten?
11:38No.
11:39The answer is 8,500.
11:42OK.
11:43Is your number three?
11:44But that's...
11:45And that's...
11:46I'm fine with that, honestly.
11:47Three?
11:48Yeah.
11:49No, right.
11:50See ya.
11:51See ya.
11:57One of your questions, I'm just interested in your thinking here,
12:00was, is the number above 64,000?
12:03Yeah.
12:04Well, I knew that it was...
12:06It was a big net, right?
12:07So I was like, it's somewhere between one and a million.
12:09What else is between one and a million?
12:11The prizes on who wants to be a millionaire.
12:14What's around halfway?
12:1664 grand.
12:17Yeah.
12:18I did say halfway to a million.
12:20Yeah.
12:21No.
12:22No.
12:23No.
12:24Fuck off.
12:25Halfway through the process of the show is around 64 grand when you...
12:31Yeah.
12:32But I said, yes, it's over that, and your final answer was three.
12:34Do you think this is going to be your angry episode?
12:38Yeah, I do.
12:39Do you think you'll come up with a decent task?
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42And I think you were the only one who got more surprised every time.
12:46I know.
12:47I'm glad you noticed that, Mr Taskmaster.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50Phil, I don't think you showed any expression of surprise throughout,
12:54and largely...
12:55I cannot believe!
12:56LAUGHTER
12:58We're going to nip off for a break now, but not before Alex has tried out his new joke!
13:11Oh, great.
13:12OK, thank you, Greg.
13:13Pan-Asian?
13:14I just call it a wok.
13:20Wok's the time.
13:21It's time for a break.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23Well, hello!
13:37Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster, where we are in the thick of a numerical task.
13:42Yes, they're trying to work out what number I've written down.
13:45They have 20 questions and must be increasingly surprised by every answer.
13:49Without giving too much away, Maisie, Rhys and Phil were awful.
13:52Now, let's see if Anya and Sanjeev can do any better.
13:57I'm going to be very strict about what is a question.
14:00OK.
14:01Well, the question is one that goes up the end, doesn't it?
14:04Yeah.
14:05So that's one.
14:06Excellent.
14:08Is the number somewhere I can see in this room?
14:12No.
14:14Have you looked?
14:15Was that a have you looked?
14:17That was a question, yeah.
14:19Yes.
14:20But you asked me a question then, so maybe I get one back.
14:25No.
14:29Where are you taking them?
14:30Oh, no, that was a question!
14:32Is the number you've written down between zero and a hundred?
14:36A hundred and a thousand, between a thousand and ten thousand?
14:39No.
14:40No.
14:41No.
14:42OK.
14:43There's a phone!
14:45Will Wade.
14:46He's always calling.
14:48Is the number that you've written down a telephone number?
14:53No.
14:54Then that is even more stupid, that ringing, than I first thought it was.
14:58OK.
14:59Hello?
15:00One hundred and twenty.
15:02Have you actually written down a number?
15:05Yes.
15:06I need you to be more surprised.
15:08Fucking hell!
15:10I'm not losing the world to live here.
15:12Is the number one twenty?
15:14No.
15:16Have you written down the number in this room?
15:18Yes.
15:20Right.
15:24Does the number have emotional significance to you?
15:27Yes.
15:29Is the number your birthday?
15:33Yes.
15:40Mum?
15:41No, that's my wife.
15:42Let me know how you come up.
15:44I don't call her mum, but my children do.
15:47I don't want to know what goes on in that relationship.
15:54I'm going to ask your wife for some details about you.
15:59You're telling me, nor asking me.
16:00I'm telling you.
16:01OK.
16:02It's got a full stop at the end.
16:03Hello?
16:04Hi.
16:05This isn't Alex.
16:06Can I ask you a question?
16:07I've managed to get hold of his phone.
16:08That's a question.
16:10I had a mallet.
16:11I could just smash through this somewhere.
16:12You don't need a mallet for this task.
16:15Yes, of course.
16:16When's his birthday?
16:21His birthday.
16:22I always get this wrong.
16:26It's the 10th of September, 78.
16:30Here's the answer.
16:31100978.
16:32Is the number 100978?
16:33Yes.
16:34Thank you, Sanji.
16:35Thank you very much.
16:36Sanji did pretty well, though.
16:37Pretty forensic in his hunt for the numbers.
16:38Yeah.
16:39And then we saw a crack in his calmness when he threatened to take a lump hammer to the wall.
16:52But pretty good, I thought.
16:54Yeah.
16:55Working out that it was written somewhere in the room, you can always find out.
16:57It was just in my pocket.
16:58You could have got that at any point.
16:59Were you as surprised as me that Alex's own wife doesn't know his birthday?
17:04It really felt like I'd got a key to the task and then it became something quite sad about their marriage.
17:10Yeah.
17:11Heartbreak.
17:12It was an accidental key to the task.
17:13She rang to check it out of my sandwiches and you seized on the opportunity.
17:18Isn't mum kind?
17:22I sense Anya was fast, though.
17:24I could be wrong.
17:25They were the only two that got it right.
17:26Sanjeev, you got it in 9 minutes 43.
17:29Anya, 9 minutes 40.
17:31Ooh!
17:32Yeah, genuinely.
17:33So, yeah.
17:34Anya gets the five points.
17:36The other three didn't get it right, but I guess they get points for how close they got.
17:43Built-in within this task was that stupid phone ringing in the theme.
17:46And then there was a real one that happened and it gave her an advantage.
17:50Her?
17:51Her?
17:52Her?
17:53Her?
17:54I'm not going to factor in the luck afforded that to anyone who heard the mic.
18:00Well, now we have clarity.
18:06You're welcome.
18:07So, we're saying that Anya gets the five points for being the quickest
18:09and getting the right number.
18:10Correct.
18:11Sanjeev gets four.
18:12Correct.
18:13And are the other three getting according to how close they were?
18:14Yes, they do according to how close they were to the number.
18:16Phil, you get three points.
18:18And can I say, Phil, you do not deserve them.
18:21Two points.
18:22And Maisie, you were just 100,975 away.
18:26You get one point.
18:28And the winner is Anya Magriano.
18:30APPLAUSE
18:35Well, pull my shorts down and smack my bottom.
18:38What's next?
18:40What's next, little Alex?
18:42Well, Greg, we're mixing it up now in an alternative teams task.
18:47And this one's got a whole lot of heart.
18:49Ooh.
19:04Hello.
19:05Hi.
19:06Hey.
19:07Hey.
19:08Hey.
19:09Nice shoes.
19:10Too close to you?
19:11Oh.
19:12Hello.
19:13You all right?
19:14Mm-hmm.
19:15What's that?
19:16Jigging suit.
19:18Pleasure.
19:19Oh, it's a heart.
19:20Hmm.
19:21Is this a romantic task?
19:22Make a love heart using your body, the body of your teammates.
19:23The body of your teammates and any other items of your choosing.
19:24The body of my teammates?
19:25Mm-hmm.
19:26Yeah.
19:27Yeah.
19:28Yeah.
19:29Yeah.
19:30Yeah.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Yeah.
19:33Yeah.
19:34Yeah.
19:35Yeah.
19:36Yeah.
19:37Yeah.
19:38Yeah.
19:39Yeah.
19:40Yeah.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Yeah.
19:43The body of your teammates.
19:44The body of your teammates and any other items of your choosing.
19:49The body of my teammate?
19:51Mm-hmm.
19:52You must make up half of the heart.
19:54You must make up half of the heart.
19:55Your teammate has made up the other half.
19:57You have ten minutes to make your half, during which you also have one chance to record a ten-second voice note with instructions for your teammate.
20:03You must make up a third of the heart.
20:05You must make up a third of the heart.
20:06Your teammates will make up the other two third... Who's the teammate?
20:10One of your teammates.
20:12What?
20:13..has made up the first third and has provided you with instructions.
20:17Oh.
20:18Your teammates have made up the other two thirds and one has provided you with instructions.
20:24The most affecting heart wins.
20:27An affecting heart?
20:28Yeah.
20:29What it's got to beat?
20:30It's got to move Greg the Taskmaster.
20:31Emotionally?
20:32Oh, yeah.
20:33Right.
20:34Is he a romantic?
20:36So I'm going to be half of the love heart.
20:39With your teammate.
20:40So I suppose the obvious question is, why were you eating chicken soup?
20:49I like it, you know when you see a task and someone comes in drinking a cup of tea because they're just dead cash and they're like...
20:55Yeah, yeah.
20:56I thought I'd up that.
20:57Yeah.
20:58It's not quite as acceptable as it to come and eat in a bowl of soup.
21:00I mean, seeing it on the big screen now, I realise my mistake yet.
21:05So these aren't their standard team members, as you'll see.
21:08We're mixing it up.
21:09We're mixing it up.
21:10Let's get some romance on the go.
21:11OK.
21:12Well, let's see how normally mortal enemies, Anya and Rhys, work together as a team.
21:21I have my supplies.
21:22I'm going to be the top, like this.
21:29But then, to make it affecting, it will say mum in it.
21:33Hmm.
21:34Like when you have a tattoo of mum.
21:36And I'm going to pulse.
21:37I'm going to be beating.
21:39You're going to get across this information in ten seconds?
21:42Yep.
21:43I'm a really accomplished voice noter.
21:45I usually do them in like seven minutes.
21:47Oh, the voice note isn't ten minutes, the voice notes.
21:50Ten seconds.
21:51OK.
21:52I'm going to do it in order of importance of what they need to know.
21:56We're doing the heart from above.
21:58I'm the left side.
21:59It's pink.
22:00It's got mum written on it, but I've done M and half of the U.
22:02My body is the top.
22:03The side is the umbrellas.
22:04It's pulsing.
22:05It's filled with pink fabric.
22:06But you have to pulse to make it...
22:07Why is she gabbling?
22:09Is she at gunpoint?
22:11Play it again.
22:12I think that what I've done is incredible.
22:16The side is the umbrellas.
22:17It's pulsing.
22:18It's filled with pink fabric.
22:19But you have to pulse to make it...
22:21The side is the umbrellas.
22:23I need to go again and just hear about the umbrella.
22:25My body is the top.
22:26The side is the umbrellas.
22:28Again?
22:29Yeah, I need to because that was an absolute gobbledygook gobble.
22:31My body is the top.
22:32The side is the umbrellas.
22:34Go again with the umbrella.
22:36If they get it wrong, it's like that's on them completely.
22:41OK, so she said she is the left side.
22:43I think she's doing this.
22:45There's something about mum written in it and full of pink.
22:51Right?
22:52Right.
22:53She's left-hand side.
22:54Right.
22:55Right, OK, and I'm going to be right-hand side.
22:58Yeah.
22:59Four and a half minutes.
23:00Oh, no!
23:01I'm going to spell oom.
23:03The other half of mum with flowers.
23:05Get rid of that.
23:07Sorry.
23:11There's a creature on me!
23:13Give me the M of that, please.
23:18All I've got to do now is fashion a oom.
23:20Half of the U.
23:21I love you, Mum.
23:26Thank you, Rhys.
23:28I thought it was quite good, that.
23:34I mean, from what I've seen so far, you're an incredible team,
23:36I thought, to be honest.
23:38Yeah.
23:39It does feel like an exercise that you'd make a couple that's about to break up do
23:42to try and save their marriage.
23:44Yeah, and it looks like you guys are going to last.
23:47Often, a clip gets thrown up that we can use out of context throughout a series.
23:51Right.
23:52And I think probably this is...
23:53Yeah, the brave boy dealing with a little bug.
23:54Yeah.
23:55OK.
23:57There's a creature on me!
24:00No one comes running in to help, though, does it?
24:02It's one of those things that's going to keep being funny as well.
24:04Yeah.
24:05Show it again, now.
24:06Show it again, yeah.
24:08There's a creature on me!
24:13OK, we're halfway through the show, and as Alex's wife-slash-mum said to me
24:17when she discovered his subscription to Greedy Butter Babes...
24:21It's time for a break.
24:34Hello!
24:35Welcome!
24:37It's the start of part three, where we've mixed up the team to create two patchwork hearts.
24:42Oh, just a bit.
24:43Yes, they're using their bodies to create the most affecting heart,
24:47following instructions from their team members via a voice note.
24:50Now, for the other team, it's Maisie, it's Phil and Sanjeev.
24:54OK, we need to do it on the floor, I think.
24:57One third is the round bit here.
24:59Second third, which I can instruct someone to do, is the other bit.
25:04I'll do the point.
25:05I'll do the point.
25:06And I will compliment Greg's top half.
25:09Then the next person must compliment his, like, torso.
25:12And then the last person compliment his lovely legs, in a not objectifying way.
25:17Hmm.
25:18You know, like, those legs are great for swimming.
25:20So, I'll go, I'll be the point.
25:23There, look.
25:24Oh, I'll also let them know I'm wearing black, then we can all be the same colour.
25:27Right, Alex, I'm ready for my voice note.
25:29Let's go.
25:30I'm not going to look at you because you will put me off, no offence.
25:32Here we go.
25:34Bum to the floor.
25:36I'm the point of the heart.
25:37One of you needs to be the left side, the round side.
25:39One of you needs to be the right round side.
25:42Wear black and pay a compliment to Greg.
25:45Genuinely, chicken soup is really good.
25:48I can't recommend it enough.
25:50I don't want to tempt fate, but there's no way they can cock that up.
25:54To find some black stuff.
25:58How long have I got, Alex?
26:00Seven minutes.
26:01Seems like too long, doesn't it?
26:03OK.
26:04Now, where would Maisie point?
26:06I reckon she's gone point like that.
26:14How long have I got?
26:15One and a half minutes.
26:16Do I have to stay in this position?
26:17Yes.
26:18Ready?
26:19I'm going to play you some instructions from one of your two teammates.
26:23OK.
26:24Fingers crossed.
26:25Hey, May.
26:26Um, Maisie's the point of the heart.
26:29With a bum to the floor, a V shape.
26:32I'm the left hand curve of the heart.
26:34You need to be the right hand.
26:37Here we go.
26:38Yes, please.
26:39Hey, May.
26:40Um, Maisie's the point of the heart.
26:43So, if she was doing a V shape, she might be doing that as the bottom of the heart.
26:48He was the left hand, so I'd be the right.
26:52Here.
26:54It's that.
26:57There you go.
26:58OK.
26:59Do you think you obeyed the instructions?
27:01Uh, hi, May.
27:02Uh...
27:03Yeah, I think I did, but I might have just got...
27:06LAUGHTER
27:11Lovely work.
27:13Well, this is...
27:14I mean, Maisie and Sanjeev were incredibly effective heart makers.
27:18Straight to the point.
27:19Oh, yeah.
27:20Clear instructions.
27:21And then there's Phil.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23I looked like a reverse stripper, didn't I?
27:24I came in and just got dressed.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27You've certainly upset the two incredibly efficient parts of the heart,
27:30but maybe it won't matter.
27:31Maybe the heart will still be a thing of beauty.
27:33Can I, um, see the team of two first?
27:36Why not?
27:37Let's save the team of three.
27:38Here is Anya and Rhys' heart.
27:40And remember, the side is the umbrella.
27:43Here we go.
27:45Oh, that's good.
27:46That's pretty good!
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48Oh!
27:50On the full set!
27:52Yeah!
27:54APPLAUSE
27:55I think it's very good.
27:58It's a very...
28:00..lovely tribute to someone's mother.
28:02And it was animated.
28:04I mean, I've got nothing negative to say.
28:06I think it's really brought us back together.
28:08Absolutely, yeah.
28:09We're all right now, aren't we?
28:10Yeah.
28:11Let's have a look at the other heart.
28:12OK, the team of three.
28:13Harder with three people, arguably.
28:15This is what they came up with.
28:17Greg has a lovely beard
28:20that is complemented by his glasses.
28:23Always been a big fan, Greg.
28:26I never used to like people taller than me.
28:29But you're the first person
28:30that I could genuinely have to look after my children.
28:33Of which I have none.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:40LAUGHTER
28:41There we go.
28:44Sorry, there seems to be something wrong with the tape there.
28:47I wasn't told to make you a compliment.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52I mean, if you just look at Maisie and Sanjeev and that heart,
28:55it is perfect.
28:56Look at Sanjeev.
28:57What a curve.
28:58What a curve.
28:59Half a curl.
29:00What a curve.
29:01He looks the most peaceful I've ever seen.
29:03LAUGHTER
29:04It looks like you're trying to post a letter in my arse.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:09The letter starts with, hey, mate.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:21Five points to the Mum heart.
29:22Congratulations...
29:23Say that now.
29:24Congratulations, Daniel.
29:25That's it.
29:26Let's have a look at the other heart.
29:28It's impressive in a way.
29:29I'll give them three points.
29:30They deserve three.
29:31OK, three points and five points.
29:32You done.
29:33APPLAUSE
29:34One more, please.
29:36Yes, please.
29:37And kiddy up, or hold on to your horses,
29:39because we're off to our horse-based location
29:41for a horse-based task.
29:43And I'm not even jockeying.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:47Hi, Alex Horne.
30:03This is exciting.
30:04It's the viewing deck.
30:06Is that a trot or a gallop?
30:08That was sprint.
30:10That was 100 miles per hour.
30:12OK, interesting.
30:14Strange.
30:16Darts.
30:17Hedgehog darts.
30:19Mm-hm.
30:20Binoculars if you need them.
30:22I buried a hedgehog once.
30:24Why?
30:25Well, I found it dead in the road
30:26and I thought I'll give it a dignified funeral.
30:32Win the horse race.
30:34Win the horse race.
30:35Have you spotted your horse?
30:41Yes.
30:42Oh, has he got my faith?
30:44Oh, God.
30:48Oh, my God, that's terrifying.
30:52You must do one of the following things.
30:54Eat something without looking at the food.
30:57Spin the wheel at least 720 degrees.
31:02Twice.
31:03Throw a dart at the dart board.
31:06That one there.
31:07If you eat an olive, your horse will advance two steps.
31:10If you eat a grape, your horse will retreat three steps.
31:18I've never eaten an olive in my life.
31:19This is going to be a nightmare.
31:21If you throw a dart in an olive, your horse will advance five steps.
31:27If you throw a dart in a grape, your horse will retreat eight steps.
31:30If the wheel lands on an olive, your horse will retreat 15 steps.
31:38You couldn't have done it with chips.
31:40If the wheel lands on a grape, your horse will retreat 15 steps.
31:47You must stay on the spot and you must not move the spot.
31:49First horse past the post wins.
31:53You have a maximum of 30 minutes.
31:55Your time starts on the whistle.
31:56You're riding a horse.
31:57What is your horse called?
31:59Doctor Magic.
32:02Called Maschiniblik.
32:03Maschiniblik.
32:04Yeah, it's a golf term.
32:06Old Pip.
32:08George Clooney.
32:09OK, so you're riding George Clooney today.
32:11The Envy of Many.
32:13What do they write on the door in The Shining?
32:16It's Maschiniblik on the left-hand side, followed by Red Rump.
32:19Red Rump.
32:20That's what they do in horse racing, isn't it?
32:22Red Rune.
32:23Your horse is called Red Rune.
32:24Red Rune.
32:25OK.
32:27I'm still sort of dumpstruck by the mask of me.
32:30I can't stand it.
32:31It looks like some sort of...
32:32It's like Hannibal...
32:33Oh, Christ.
32:35Start his orders.
32:36APPLAUSE
32:43Do you think the impact, um, in the film, The Shining...
32:47Oh, for God's sake.
32:49Do you think it would have lost some of its impact if they'd gone,
32:52Ooh, murder.
32:56I will walk out.
33:00Anyway, back to horses.
33:01Yeah.
33:02Can't wait to see these jockeys in action.
33:03Yes, they control the horses.
33:04Olives good, grapes bad.
33:06The first jockeys to the starting stalls are Sanjeev, Maisie and Rhys,
33:09with their horses George Clooney, Red Rump and Maschiniblik.
33:13Do you know?
33:14I don't think I've ever concentrated on the feel of an olive.
33:17Well, now's your chance.
33:20You think you can tell olives from grapes?
33:22OK.
33:23It's an olive.
33:25George Clooney, you may advance two steps.
33:30I'm writing a grape.
33:31Oh!
33:34Come on, Red Rune.
33:36That's an olive.
33:37You hit an olive.
33:41Yes!
33:42That's an olive.
33:43The horse will advance.
33:44Congratulations.
33:45The second it's time.
33:50Ooh!
33:51Which one?
33:52Was it that one?
33:53Yep.
33:54It's a granite.
33:56With a grape?
33:57Yep.
33:58It's a grape.
33:59It's a granite.
34:00Great.
34:02That's ridiculous.
34:03That's an olive all day long.
34:04OK.
34:06Olive, forwards ten.
34:07Oh, no, because that's sorry.
34:08But that's good for you.
34:09Great.
34:11Oh, he's sprinting now.
34:13Feeling a bit sick.
34:15No, I'm not.
34:16I'm not.
34:17I'm not.
34:18I'm not.
34:19I'm not.
34:20I'm not.
34:21I'm not.
34:22I'm not.
34:23I'm not.
34:24I'm not.
34:25I'm not.
34:26I'm not.
34:27I'm not.
34:28I'm not.
34:29I'm not.
34:30I'm not.
34:31I'm not.
34:32I'm not.
34:33I'm not.
34:34That's a fucking olive.
34:35Well done, Maisie.
34:36That's not worth two steps.
34:39The horse will advance ten steps.
34:41I'm going to will it to be an olive.
34:43It is.
34:44He has crossed the finish line.
34:46Come on, George.
34:47Well done, Red Room.
34:48Mashy Niblick has crossed the finish line.
34:50Expressionless.
34:51Dead-eyed.
34:54Why would you ever have that before your meal?
34:57It's minging.
34:59Oh.
35:01Oh, gross.
35:02No.
35:03No.
35:04No.
35:05No.
35:06No.
35:07I don't like to be regionally prejudiced, but you hate olives as well.
35:12Yeah.
35:13I've had one before.
35:14Oh.
35:15What the hell is going on?
35:16I would also point out, yes, Annie just asked, did you know there was a camera in the bin?
35:20And I don't...
35:21I think I would have made more of an effort not to drool into the bin.
35:23LAUGHTER
35:24OK.
35:25We're stopping once again in the final part of the show.
35:28We'll witness our very own Taskmaster Derby.
35:30Plus, someone will take home a tea towel and a ball attached to some string.
35:35So, highs, lows.
35:37Highs, real lows.
35:39APPLAUSE
35:40Hello.
35:41Welcome back to the final part of the show and our own Grand National of sorts at Sandown Racecourse.
35:56Yes, but before the race, we need to see how Anya and Phil did at progressing their horses Dr Magic and Old Pip towards the post.
36:05Let's have a look.
36:07I don't know how to play this game because I'm not an old man.
36:11Start first.
36:13Think olive.
36:14That's a grape.
36:15Oh, come on, Old Pip.
36:17I didn't know horses could go backwards.
36:20Miss.
36:21Shall I try this?
36:25Do I have to eat the whole olive?
36:26They're not in here.
36:28They look rank, don't they? What is that for?
36:33Grape.
36:35Oh, they're salty!
36:36It's a salty grape, yeah.
36:38Oh, my God.
36:40Oh, my God.
36:41This is my Everest.
36:43Old Pip, you can advance two steps.
36:45Sue, come on, mate!
36:47Olive.
36:48Grape.
36:49Are you kidding me?
36:5015 steps.
36:5115?
36:52When's that happened?
36:53Come on, Old Pip.
36:54Doctor Magic.
36:55She's going to be in a different country soon.
36:56Stop.
36:57Fuck.
36:58This is rigged.
36:59Is this rigged?
37:00Olive.
37:01Grape.
37:02Argh!
37:03Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
37:04Oh, come on!
37:05Oh, come on!
37:06Oh, come on!
37:07Oh, come on!
37:08Oh, come on!
37:09Oh, come on!
37:10Oh, come on!
37:11Oh, come on!
37:12Oh, come on!
37:13Oh, come on!
37:14Oh, come on!
37:15Oh, come on!
37:16Come on!
37:1715 is insane!
37:22Can I change these?
37:23Can I just take these off?
37:24That would make more sense, wouldn't it?
37:26Well, fingers crossed!
37:31Hey!
37:32Come on, boy!
37:33I've got a new idea.
37:35I think it was about to land on an olive.
37:37Ready?
37:38Uh-huh.
37:40Please advance ten steps.
37:46That's an olive.
37:47Come on, boy!
37:48Advance ten steps.
37:49Yeah!
37:50Five, four, three, two, one.
37:52We've finished the race.
37:53Blast off.
37:54Let me get him!
37:55I want to hug him!
37:56Yeah, baby!
37:57He's a good boy!
37:58Yeah!
37:59Yeah!
38:00He's a good boy!
38:01Yeah!
38:02He's a good boy!
38:03Yeah!
38:04He's a good boy!
38:05He's really gorgeous!
38:06Yes!
38:07What a victory!
38:08Come on, let's get you to the glue factory.
38:09Let me get him, I want to hug him.
38:12Yeah, baby! He's a good boy!
38:15Yes!
38:17Was he gorgeous?
38:19Yes! What a victory!
38:22Come on, let's get you to the glue factory.
38:32So nice to see a man running excitedly
38:35to hug a member of production crew.
38:38You know, they played a blinded, didn't they?
38:40Well, was it too little too late?
38:41They did get very unlucky with the spinning wheel.
38:43There were more olives and grapes,
38:44but we're going to see them all race as one, Greg,
38:46and we can see who wins. Ready?
38:47Oh, my God, I genuinely don't know.
38:49OK, they're under starter orders,
38:51but Phil and Maisie's starter orders are definitely not olives.
38:54It's a little joke. Let's get down to the track.
38:56Good luck, everyone!
39:03Come on, George. Come on, Red Room.
39:05Get up! Come on, George!
39:07Good old George.
39:08Get up! Come on!
39:09Good old George.
39:10Yes!
39:11Right, here we go.
39:12Mashing Niblick.
39:13Doctor Magic.
39:14Blast off.
39:16There's Mashing Niblick on there, downside.
39:18Come on, old Pip!
39:19You bastard!
39:20Oh, no!
39:21Come on, old Pip!
39:22Oh, God!
39:23I must have won.
39:25And the tragedy is, it was only old Pip that had to be put down.
39:37Yeah, Sanjeev won three minutes 56, just six seconds quicker than Maisie's Red Room.
39:42Phil took as long to eat one olive as Sanjeev did.
39:48Never again.
39:49So, yeah, five to Sanjeev, four to Maisie, three to Anya, two to Phil,
39:52and one point to Rhys Shearsmith.
39:53Well done.
39:54There it is.
39:58Can we have one more look at the scores, then?
40:00It's tight, Greg.
40:01It's the tightest episode so far.
40:02There are just four points between the top four.
40:04At the top of the pile, it's Sanjeev with 15 points.
40:07Amazing.
40:11OK, everyone.
40:12Make your way to the stage, please.
40:13Why?
40:14I'll tell you why.
40:15The final task of the show!
40:21Hello, my tender friend.
40:23Who will be reading the task?
40:25I think Anya should read it.
40:26Anya!
40:27Yes.
40:28OK.
40:32What?
40:33This one's mad.
40:35Fill out your form.
40:37Ugh.
40:38Fill out your form?
40:39Yeah, they've got big forms in front of them.
40:4110 flaps on your form.
40:43Open the flap.
40:44Fill in the form.
40:45Start.
40:53They've done it.
40:54Give Greg a nice big smile.
40:55They've completed the form!
40:58OK.
41:01I would now ask you to display your forms and stand beside them.
41:04There's a little flap on the back of the desk.
41:06And then Anya's going to read part two of the task.
41:08Oh!
41:09Oh, no.
41:10Either convince the taskmaster that you have written something other than what you have written,
41:15or exactly what you have written.
41:18If you fail to deceive the taskmaster, you are eliminated.
41:23Last person standing wins.
41:25So, Greg's going to call out, one at a time, a number and a category.
41:29OK.
41:30So, you have to either say what you've written or something you haven't written.
41:33If he gets it right, you're out.
41:35You'll start with you, Anya.
41:36Number three, and the category is a motorway.
41:39Ooh, which motorway did you write, Anya?
41:40I wrote the M40.
41:43Hmm.
41:44You did not.
41:45Let's see what you've written, Anya.
41:47She...
41:48Oh!
41:49She wrote the A40.
41:50That's...
41:51That is what I meant.
41:53She meant the M40, clearly.
41:55The A40 becomes the M40, you're fine, you've survived.
41:58Right.
41:59APPLAUSE
42:05OK, Maisie, I would like you to do number four.
42:07Best kitchen appliance.
42:09I put a kettle.
42:11Have you?
42:17She did put a kettle.
42:19Did you put a kettle?
42:20Yes.
42:21Kettle, yeah.
42:23Maisie, please sit down and take your form with you.
42:26Lovely, gently.
42:28Lovely.
42:30All right, Maisie's out in round one.
42:32OK, on we go.
42:33Now I'm terrified.
42:34Phil, number seven.
42:35Oh!
42:36Something quite big.
42:37Tell me what you've written and I'll tell you whether you're
42:39telling me the truth or not.
42:40I've written, you know.
42:45What have you written?
42:46I've written, you know.
42:48You've just written the words, you know.
42:50Yeah, like, something quite big and I've gone, you say...
42:53It means his cock.
42:54No, he means his cock.
42:55And I've gone...
42:57OK.
42:58I think...
42:59You know.
43:00I think that's true.
43:01He has written that.
43:02Oh, fuck.
43:03Number seven, Phil, what have you written?
43:04Number seven.
43:05Oh, fuck.
43:07Sit down, Phil.
43:08Sit down.
43:14Rhys, I would like you to read out number five,
43:17which is a new band name.
43:21I said Style Lemon.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:33I don't think Rhys did put Style Lemon.
43:35Rhys, show us what you wrote.
43:37Style Bomb.
43:38Oh!
43:39Rhys, you have to sit down.
43:40You're angry.
43:41Rhys, you have to sit down.
43:42You're angry.
43:43I know, it's fucking disgrace.
43:44Please take your form with you.
43:45Right, well, there's only two left.
43:47Let's have number ten, a quite scary animal.
43:54Leopard.
43:55I think he's double-bluffing me with the doubt in his voice.
43:59I think you did right, Leopard.
44:05We have a winner!
44:10That's not right!
44:11Come down and join me!
44:20Well, well, well.
44:21Yeah, it was shorter than I expected.
44:23Not as high-octane as we imagine.
44:25No.
44:26You were very good at not being deceived, Greg.
44:28Oh, thank you.
44:30Only one person deceived you,
44:31so the full five points goes to Anya!
44:35However...
44:38..in joint second with everyone else,
44:39so they all get four points.
44:40Lovely.
44:41Five, four, four, four, four.
44:46OK, so, final scoreboard.
44:47It's interesting.
44:48There's not one winner, there's two winners.
44:49There's joint winners.
44:50With 19 points, Anya and Sanji.
44:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:57Uh-oh.
44:58Oh, no!
44:59We've got a tie!
45:00We do.
45:01So, we need a tie break.
45:02And this one is fun and made them look really cool,
45:05because they had to remove their shower cap
45:07by inflating a balloon fastest winds.
45:10Here's how they both got on.
45:13I don't mind that everyone's laughing at me.
45:17WHISTLE BLOWS
45:18It's off.
45:19Yeah.
45:20It's off.
45:21Yeah.
45:22It's off.
45:23APPLAUSE
45:24It's...
45:25It's neck and neck.
45:27Yeah.
45:28Yeah.
45:29Yeah.
45:30Yeah.
45:31It's off.
45:32Yeah.
45:33It's off.
45:34Yeah.
45:35It's off.
45:36APPLAUSE
45:37It's...
45:38It's neck and neck.
45:39Yeah, isn't it?
45:40Yeah.
45:41The winner is Anya Magliano!
45:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:43Anya wins!
45:44Please go up and gather up all of your gorgeous gifts!
45:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:49So, what have we learned today?
45:50Well, we've learned that no matter what happens,
45:52no matter who it ha...
45:53PHONE RINGS
45:54I'm so sorry.
45:56PHONE RINGS
45:57Hello?
45:58Yeah, yeah.
45:59Oh.
46:00Oh, yeah.
46:01Yeah.
46:02Oh, yeah.
46:03Yeah.
46:04Oh, Duffo.
46:05Absolutely, yeah.
46:06Later, though.
46:07I'm at work.
46:08I told you.
46:09You can't make me at work.
46:11Oh!
46:12LAUGHTER
46:13Alex's mum.
46:14APPLAUSE
46:15APPLAUSE
46:16But more importantly, let's celebrate our winner!
46:17It's Anya!
46:18Oh, Duffo!
46:19Absolutely, yeah.
46:20Later, though.
46:21I'm at work.
46:22I told you.
46:23You can't make me at work.
46:24Oh!
46:25LAUGHTER
46:26LAUGHTER
46:27Alex's mum.
46:28APPLAUSE
46:30APPLAUSE
46:32APPLAUSE
46:39But more importantly, let's celebrate our winner!
46:42It's Anya!
46:43APPLAUSE
47:12MUSIC
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