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00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Welcome!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster, a fun entertainment show
00:38in the same way that Chairman Mayer was a chilled-out wacky uncle.
00:45Let's take a great leap forward into fun!
00:49Please welcome...
01:00And Sanjeev Bhaskar!
01:04And next to me, a man who thinks that men should be men
01:07and women should be physically jacked up enough
01:10to be able to lift those men.
01:16It's...
01:17He likes a henchwoman.
01:18Little Alex Hall!
01:25So, I've got my special hat. It's my favourite hat.
01:27It's a bucket hat. Yeah.
01:29With our faces on.
01:30Yeah, nice.
01:31And inside, my bucket list.
01:33And my bucket hat.
01:34And the good news is, sort of good news, bad news,
01:36I've almost finished it, so not much to live for any more,
01:38but...
01:39Almost done.
01:40I've touched a horse.
01:41I've touched a motorbike.
01:42I've done most of them now.
01:43Three left.
01:44I've still got to find an emerald,
01:46sell the emerald on the black market
01:48and buy a speedboat, and then I'm done.
01:50Yeah, OK.
01:52So, what's the punchline?
01:53There's no...
01:54Well...
01:55The punchline to this bit is,
01:57find an emerald, sell it on the black market,
01:59buy a speedboat.
02:00Buy a speedboat.
02:01Yeah.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:04Oh!
02:05I guess I could try...
02:06Oh, hang on, hang on.
02:08There's an emerald, right?
02:09There's an emerald!
02:10Oh!
02:11I found an emerald!
02:12APPLAUSE
02:13Yeah, that's my bit done.
02:14Yeah, that's a good bit.
02:15That's it.
02:16Prize task, please, my little whippet.
02:19I'll whip it in a minute, you cheeky mink.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25So, the prize task category is...
02:29A possession that would most confuse a future archaeologist
02:34if you were buried holding it.
02:36LAUGHTER
02:37Five points for the best possession,
02:38four new possessions for the winner.
02:40And now it's back to Flirty Bertie.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44Amazing.
02:45What thing did you bring in?
02:46I thought it would be good to be buried with a defining piece
02:49of literature.
02:51So, I've got it here, as you see, written with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
02:55There's the front cover, and inside it looks like this.
02:57Hmm.
02:58What will be confusing for the people that eventually translate it
03:01is that this isn't actually an ancient Egyptian piece of literature.
03:05It's the Amanda Holden autobiography.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:10No holding back.
03:11Yes, it is.
03:12And it is a genuine translation into hieroglyphs of that work.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Is the title No Holden back, she's put...
03:19No, no, no, you'd think it would be.
03:21It's just...
03:22No, this is just No Holding Back.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And you've converted it into Egyptian hieroglyphics?
03:27Into Egyptian hieroglyphics.
03:28Jesus Christ.
03:29Mosey, this is excellent.
03:31Phil, what have you brought in to confuse an archaeologist?
03:34Yes, it's a photograph of myself.
03:36And here it is.
03:37There we go.
03:38What?!
03:39LAUGHTER
03:41You're on the right.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44I think it's my 12th birthday.
03:46The thing is, we didn't have a dog.
03:48I have no idea who that is.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50No idea who it is.
03:51So why do you think it's going to confuse an archaeologist?
03:55It's congratulations.
03:56So they're going to think, is it a couple?
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00I reckon they'd find it confusing, but equally it's...
04:03I don't think they would, Phil.
04:04No.
04:05I think any archaeologist who finds this goes,
04:07well, here's just a picture of a weird kid and a dog.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11Now then, Rhys, how are you going to confuse an archaeologist?
04:15I thought it would be unusual to be buried with something that could be...
04:19Well, you can't quite work out what it is, whether it's an omen, a portent, a curse.
04:25So I came up with being buried with this.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30It's a mirror with the words, is this you, on it.
04:33So they'll open it up, I'll be like that, and I'll go...
04:36Snap the bones to have a look.
04:38And they're looking at themselves, but they don't quite know what the message means.
04:41Did I do it? Is it me? Is it me? Is it meant for them?
04:43Is it just a mirror with Tipex on it?
04:46LAUGHTER
04:48There have been quite a few examples of mirrors found at burial sites.
04:51Oh, right.
04:52And it has confused archaeologists. Oh!
04:54No-one knows quite why they were buried with them.
04:56Amanda Holden said she'd want to be buried with her mobile phone
04:58in case she wasn't dead and she could use Insta.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03Anya, what have you got?
05:05I brought in limited edition jelly beans.
05:09Yes, she made them. They look...
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12Like this?
05:14Dual flavour jelly beans.
05:17I did it all by hand.
05:19Cutting in half jelly beans, sticking them back together.
05:21So, yeah, I didn't actually think of using scissors.
05:23Right.
05:24About halfway through, my partner said you could use a knife.
05:27What were you using?
05:28What were you using?
05:29I was using my teeth, yeah.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32I was sticking them back together, some of them just went naturally
05:35and then some of them needed a bit of lubrication from the old tongue.
05:39Oh!
05:40So, you think the archaeologist is going, oh, there's some jelly beans here.
05:44Wait a minute!
05:45Yeah!
05:46They've been bitten in half by some mad woman!
05:49Oh, please, this is really nice that I did this.
05:54Anya, I'm telling you now, I've written down Anya one point.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58I haven't even heard everyone's jelly beans.
06:01Can I just say, the mind is like a parachute.
06:03It works best when it's open.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07You may say that.
06:09Sanjeev, it's all to play for here.
06:12Well, this would be more confusing if someone else was found buried with it.
06:16OK, this is what Sanjeev has brought in.
06:18Oh!
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20So, that is a sample of urine.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:24So, now, someone else found buried holding a sample of my urine.
06:28Sanjeev Vasquez's piss. Yeah, OK.
06:29And a pet treat gun.
06:31OK!
06:32A pet treat gun?
06:33Yeah.
06:34It launches treats into the air for the...
06:36Yeah, and then the creature jumps up and bites it.
06:37And then they jump up and get it.
06:38The creature!
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40You know, the gorilla.
06:42Let me bite beef.
06:43You're a big dog lover, Rita.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47Is there a link between the dog catcher and the urine?
06:50You're the archaeologist, do you tell me?
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53I think he's made his point very well, there.
06:55Well, shall we deal with Anya first?
06:56Yeah, Anya, one point.
06:57Oh.
06:58Dog boy.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00Let's give him two.
07:01Two to Phil, well done, Phil.
07:02Let's give the mirror three.
07:04I'm going to give four points to Sanjeev.
07:07Oh.
07:08So, five points to Maisie!
07:09Well done, Maisie Ellen!
07:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:15Right, on we go.
07:16What have you got for me, Alex?
07:17Well, Greg, why don't you have a good old yank on this?
07:20LAUGHTER
07:32Hi.
07:33Anya.
07:34Hello.
07:35You blend in.
07:36To what?
07:37To the wall?
07:38Yeah.
07:39You look like the wall.
07:40Looks like an obstacle course of some kind.
07:41Yeah, quite an expensive one.
07:45Impressive.
07:46Impressive.
07:48Pull something from that red-green onto this red-green using this string.
07:52Throughout your pull, you must remain on this red-green.
07:54Your thing must travel through or over all the obstacles.
07:57The biggest thing pulled onto this red-green wins.
08:01You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
08:02Your time starts now.
08:03OK.
08:04OK.
08:05OK.
08:06OK.
08:07OK.
08:08OK.
08:09OK.
08:10OK.
08:11OK.
08:12OK.
08:13OK.
08:14OK.
08:15OK.
08:16OK.
08:18OK.
08:19OK.
08:20OK.
08:21OK.
08:22OK.
08:23OK.
08:24OK.
08:25OK.
08:26OK.
08:27OK.
08:28OK.
08:29OK.
08:30OK.
08:31OK.
08:32OK.
08:33OK.
08:34OK.
08:35OK.
08:36OK.
08:37OK.
08:38So these are the things that...
08:40I can choose?
08:41No, that's a rhino.
08:42That's going to be firing balls at your thing.
08:44Oh.
08:45OK.
08:46Well, I don't think we need to mess around.
08:47Let's fire balls.
08:48Let's assault course.
08:49We start by watching Anya, Maisie and Rhys pulling on a thread.
08:52Here we go.
08:53Put a little person on that, maybe.
08:54Oh, that's lovely.
08:55Oh.
08:56I think he's going to go on there.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Nice.
08:59Nice.
09:00Those are good wheels.
09:01Fuck off.
09:02That's pretty big.
09:03It's going to look like a baby.
09:04You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles.
09:05Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth.
09:06Is it?
09:07Right.
09:08I'm doing it.
09:09Pulling.
09:10Oh.
09:11Yeah.
09:12Nice.
09:13Those are good wheels.
09:14Fuck off.
09:15That's pretty big.
09:20It's going to look like a baby.
09:21You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles.
09:24Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth.
09:26Is it?
09:27Right, I'm doing it. Pulling.
09:37She's ready.
09:40So it's a steady pull of a pig? Yeah.
09:43A steady pig pull. Pull pork.
09:46Stop firing balls at my baby!
09:51If you had a doctor firing tennis balls
09:54as you were pulling it out of your...
09:57Are you allowed to say vagina on this show?
09:59Yeah, you can say vagina if you want.
10:01Vagina?
10:03Why is it going over to the other side?
10:05I specifically put the wheels so that it would come to me.
10:08It's going toward the rhino.
10:10Oh, come on.
10:12I don't understand what's happening with it.
10:14Oh, no.
10:16Alex, please, if you could help me out a little bit.
10:20Oh, thank you.
10:24Oh, striking the pig.
10:28You're on the bridge?
10:31I think you might have to drag him.
10:33I'm going to drag him.
10:35You have a minute and a half.
10:36OK.
10:38We have movement.
10:41Fuck off, Rhino.
10:43She's through the door.
10:45Don't lose your momentum, OK?
10:48I could cry.
11:02Can I go?
11:03Yes.
11:04Thanks.
11:05It survived the saloon doors.
11:07What is a cervix if not a set of saloon doors?
11:10LAUGHTER
11:13Uh-oh.
11:15Oh, no!
11:16She's caught on the ledge of the womb.
11:18That's going to snap.
11:19OK.
11:20What would you like me to do?
11:21Could you lift it higher, please?
11:23Yeah, thank you.
11:24Yeah, that worked.
11:25Final push.
11:26Congratulations, but I will have to tell Greg what I did.
11:32You were the midwife.
11:38No!
11:39Oh!
11:40He snapped!
11:42It's failed in its failure.
11:43Can I go and tie it?
11:44No.
11:45I'm going to do it.
11:46I don't care.
11:47OK.
11:48Come on.
11:49Oh, no.
11:50Come on!
11:51Oh!
11:52I'm just doing it round its neck.
11:55Yeah.
11:56Come on!
11:57Oh, the scarecrows!
11:59Oh, it's locked!
12:01Well done.
12:11So easy.
12:13Sorry about the sheep.
12:14APPLAUSE
12:19You're a lot angrier than I imagined you to be, Maisie,
12:22before you came on the show.
12:23It's like a red mist that descends.
12:25And I've got points to bring up, by the way.
12:28You had assistants, you re-tied your knots.
12:31It said, stay on your green, pull something onto the green.
12:34It didn't say you couldn't have help, did it, in the task?
12:36Well, it's...
12:37I can't just, like, open the envelope and then ring people
12:39and be like, can you come and help me?
12:41Well, unless it says you can't do that.
12:47All the information is on the task.
12:49Fuck off, Greg!
12:53Who would you have run and how would they have helped?
12:55My friend Jordan, he lives not too far from where...
12:57You know Jordan?
12:58Yeah.
12:59I like her.
13:02I don't mean I'd have run Katie Price.
13:04No?
13:05Why wouldn't you not have run Katie Price?
13:06I don't think she would have been best suited to the...
13:08We're getting off topic.
13:10What?
13:11My rope snapped and I accepted it and walked off.
13:16You've had your baby lifted up by him.
13:19I like torn.
13:20And then you've gone and...
13:22You've come off your green to go and re-tie them.
13:24Yes.
13:25That's right.
13:26Yet, somehow, I'm the knobhead for not ringing Katie Price.
13:28That saves me some in it.
13:32Anya, this is one of those moments where a person's time on Taskmaster
13:38will be defined by one moment.
13:40And I've asked Alex to capture it.
13:42Yes.
13:43Oh, God.
13:44This is you, Anya.
13:45The vagina.
13:48I don't think I've ever said it like that before in my life.
13:51No.
13:52She did well.
13:54Whatever Maisie might think, she stuck to the rules.
13:57Eh?
13:58I can't see a rule that Anya broke.
14:01Well, you lifted out her object out the pool.
14:05Yes, because...
14:06Because Anya asked him to.
14:08And it doesn't say in the task that you shouldn't ask.
14:10It just seems like you're maybe not OK asking other people for help.
14:13That is such a beautiful moment on this show.
14:21Yeah.
14:22We're talking about a task given to one competitor.
14:26And now, we're like...
14:27Yes, so kick your nose out.
14:29Where are you?
14:30It's got nothing to do with you.
14:32What happened?
14:33It's got nothing to do with you.
14:34Thank you, Rhys.
14:35It's got nothing to do with you.
14:36We haven't even gone through it.
14:37They're fighting again.
14:38They're fighting again.
14:39We've earned enough of it.
14:41OK.
14:42I do love the way that you're contributing to the session.
14:46Er...
14:47LAUGHTER
14:48APPLAUSE
14:50APPLAUSE
14:52Well, that rage brings us on to your attempt very nicely, I think.
14:59I thought I was quite calm for me.
15:01I thought the madness kicked in when Alex suggested you drag the pig
15:05and you said, I'm going to drag him!
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09And then you did, I think, £500 worth of damage
15:12by throwing a sheep at a scam.
15:13Yeah.
15:14They were costly.
15:15Yeah.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:17OK.
15:18Sorry.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20All right.
15:21We're going to stop for break number one.
15:23Time to book a holiday.
15:25Might as well.
15:26There won't be any party islands left soon.
15:28Just one big ocean ruled by a man with gills.
15:31APPLAUSE
15:32Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:33Before the break, we had a string thing going on.
15:34Yes, I suppose we did, because the contestants were battling it out in a war of tugs.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52There are just two muscle-bound guys left to pull the biggest object
15:55from one circle to the other.
15:56Are we still on tugs?
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59It's our Victorian muscle man, Phil Ellis,
16:01and the world's strongest, Sanjeev Bhaskar.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:08This is interesting.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:13Taking the Reiner out of the equation.
16:17Big...
16:18and light.
16:21Come on, then.
16:22Well, I...
16:23I'm not sure you'll be able to pull me.
16:24Well, you've got to have some give.
16:25I mean, you've got legs, haven't you?
16:28Here's a big old boy!
16:29Ow, fuck!
16:32That looks so grim, didn't it?
16:35You're trying to tug me like a dog in a lead?
16:37Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
16:38I mean, look, I mean...
16:39Listen, I could put it round your neck.
16:41I mean, that's... but I'm not going to.
16:43Right, I'm just going to tie this gently round your neck.
16:50I didn't expect to see that this morning when they went for a fly.
16:54Good?
16:56Well, that's no good, is it?
16:57I mean, you didn't help at all then, did you?
16:59Ten minutes left.
17:00I'll give you some money.
17:02Twenty quid.
17:07Twenty quid.
17:08Oh, normally you go up on the second one.
17:11Well, I'll go twenty-five.
17:13OK, have you got the money?
17:14No, not on me.
17:16How long have I got?
17:17Three minutes thirty.
17:18Perfect.
17:21Give me a chance.
17:23OK, I've got a few things here.
17:25I mean, that's obviously got a handle on it.
17:26Yeah, I like that.
17:27Yeah, that's good.
17:28I just want you just to protect your head.
17:30Right.
17:31Right.
17:32As well.
17:33Right.
17:34Here we go.
17:37Oh.
17:39We're off.
17:40I'm feeling a tug.
17:41Come on, Bernard.
17:43Come on, boy.
17:44Doesn't look happy.
17:45Come on.
17:46Let's get you to that glue factory, pal.
17:48I know what it's like.
17:49And what the hell was that?
17:50That's the rhino firing balls at himself.
17:52Don't do it.
17:53There's only three of you left.
17:58Good use of shield.
18:06Come on, Bernard.
18:07I'm going to put a small child on your back and charge them money for the privilege.
18:11You've got one minute.
18:15Nice work, Alex.
18:16Nice and steady.
18:19Come on, Bernard.
18:20He's doing all right, isn't he?
18:22Hey!
18:23It's not much pleasure you get in life.
18:24It could be dragging a lifeless horse over a child's paddling pool.
18:32What happens here, Sanjay?
18:33I mean, feel free to duck.
18:34I can't.
18:35Oh, can't you?
18:38How long have I got?
18:39Three...
18:40Oh, God, don't speak.
18:42How's that?
18:44Pretty good, isn't it?
18:50Excellent.
18:53Well done.
18:54Fake and sound.
18:55Helpful, Alex.
18:5625 quid.
18:58And that.
18:59Did you receive the £25 from Sanjeev?
19:09No.
19:14I didn't have it on me then.
19:16But I do now.
19:18Oh!
19:19Because I made sure.
19:21So I didn't know when the task was on.
19:22But every show I've been...
19:23Oh, did you?
19:25I've been carrying this around.
19:28I've been able to do all of that.
19:35Are you all right with this?
19:36No, I'm not.
19:37Are you all right with this?
19:38I think I may get enough points that I can be all right with it.
19:48Phil, you've got incredibly emotionally attached to an inanimate object.
19:52Genuinely sweet.
19:53Well, I've never been involved in any kind of teamwork
19:55or, some would say, long-term friendship.
19:58So...
19:59You finally look where you can.
20:00You make your own friends.
20:01Exactly.
20:03Size-wise, it was about the size of the objects that made it over.
20:06Yeah.
20:07Sanjeev's was the size of a baby, I suppose.
20:09Sanjeev's was the same size as me.
20:11Weirdly, Phil's horse was the same size as you.
20:14It was 4.8 cubic feet, which famously you are.
20:17I think there's no doubt that Phil wins the task and gets five points.
20:20I think, what a great task as well, I'd like to see.
20:24Are you happy that Sanjeev dragged me to the other end?
20:26I'm afraid I am.
20:27Four points to Sanjeev.
20:28Well done.
20:30Are you happy that Anya, with some help, got the baby to the other end?
20:33I am.
20:34Three points to Anya.
20:35OK.
20:36So, I guess, rules-wise, zero points to Maisie.
20:38And Rhys?
20:39He didn't complete the task, he broke the rules,
20:41so he can't have any points either.
20:42So, 0-0.
20:43But Phil Ellis is the winner of the task of five points!
20:45Hello, Maisie!
20:51Can you see the scores, please?
20:52Yes.
20:53Well, I can tell you, that was the first time that Phil has won a task so far.
20:56Yes!
21:01And what a task to win as well.
21:02Oh, I know.
21:03And just by following the rules...
21:06It means, Phil, you're in second place,
21:08we're in the lead with eight points, it's Sanjeev Bhaskar!
21:14Shall we have another task?
21:15Ah, yes.
21:16Now, you...
21:17Would you...
21:18I don't want to make things tricky, but do you mind if I...
21:20Just...
21:21Do you...?
21:22Yeah.
21:23Yeah.
21:24Just...
21:26Oh!
21:31OK, happy?
21:32Yeah.
21:34And you?
21:36Not as happy as you.
21:37No.
21:40OK, well, here we go.
21:41Oh, dear.
21:42Hello.
21:43Sanjeev!
21:44Nothing for me.
21:45OK.
21:46Have a seat.
21:47Have a seat?
21:48No.
21:49Go on.
21:50Are you sure?
21:51Yeah.
21:52I mean, we're both meant to.
21:53Should we both try it?
21:54Yes, let's.
21:56You look like we're about to do a juet.
21:57I know.
21:58Let's go one cheek each.
21:59I've got a tiny arse, to be honest,
22:00so I can probably do this.
22:01Oh, it's awkward and,
22:02aren't it?
22:03I'm good.
22:04I don't know.
22:05Can I just do this?
22:06No.
22:07Can I just do this?
22:08No.
22:09June?
22:10Yes, let's.
22:11It is.
22:12Not in the mood?
22:13It's big.
22:14Can I do this?
22:15No.
22:16I can't do it.
22:17I can't do it, I can't.
22:18Can I do it?
22:19I can't do it, I can't do it.
22:20Yes, sir.
22:21Yeah, what?
22:22How can I do it?
22:23It's awkward and...
22:24Oh, it's awkward. I'm not getting cramped.
22:26Make things genuinely awkward.
22:29Most genuine awkwardness wins.
22:31You have 20 minutes.
22:33Your time starts now.
22:35That's really hard.
22:37Wait, for who? For who?
22:39It doesn't have to be for us.
22:41We can make Alex awkward.
22:49It's all right. Yeah, yeah.
22:51Yeah. It's really awkward.
22:52I don't know.
22:54Can we just ask you some more questions?
22:59Alex, just look away. I'm going to start taking my clothes off.
23:02Alex, look at me. I'm about to start taking my clothes off.
23:04Oh, you want me to look at you and not look at you? Right.
23:07Who do you think is the funniest, me or you?
23:09HE LAUGHS
23:11Er... Alex, who's funnier and who has been funnier?
23:14Have you two? Yeah. Oh, that's difficult.
23:17Is it awkward? But... For me, no.
23:19No, it may as it's been funnier.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:22APPLAUSE
23:24I can't wait to see the horrors
23:32of what you've got planned.
23:34I was immediately awkward by everything that happened in that.
23:37But I know it gets worse.
23:38Well, let's see the first team's attempt.
23:40And slightly awkwardly, it's the team of two,
23:42with Sir Shearsmith and Madam Adam.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46Thank you, everyone, for coming to, um...
23:52Josh's memorial.
23:54Um, as my son, he was obviously the apple of my eye
23:58and, um, we had such high hopes for him, yeah?
24:01Um, and one of the teachers that always used to, um, inspire him
24:05was Miss Ruben... Miss Rubens here,
24:07who, um, has very kindly said... agreed to say a few words...
24:10..on, um... About Josh.
24:14I'll just go now. OK, thank you.
24:16Thanks so much.
24:19So, um, yeah, it's, um, what was your name, sorry?
24:23It was...
24:24Alex. Alex, Alex.
24:26So, my son was Josh.
24:27Yeah, yeah.
24:28HE CLEARS
24:29Yeah, yeah.
24:30So, as Alex has just said, um, I was fortunate enough to teach,
24:35er, Jack...
24:36Josh, Josh.
24:37Yeah, Josh.
24:38Er, a lively character.
24:40Not now, obviously.
24:42But, um, frankly, we had, er, we had quite a few...
24:46Quite a few cleverer kids in, in, in the class.
24:50Erm, in fact, I used to say cleverer and then he'd put his hand up and go,
24:53cleverer's not a word, actually!
24:55Erm, which did used to rile me up.
24:58Just one of those people that thought you're smarter than he is.
25:00I'm not sure.
25:01And, er, I used to think, like, you know, like father, like son.
25:04Cos I remember you from a lot of parents' evenings.
25:07You never lost faith.
25:08I'll give that to you.
25:09You would always go, oh, it's in there somewhere.
25:11And it wasn't.
25:12It was never there.
25:13It wasn't.
25:13And I tried, so...
25:16But thanks again for coming.
25:17Thanks again for coming.
25:18And God bless...
25:21..us all.
25:21Now my wife would like to say a few words.
25:24You know my wife, don't you?
25:25Yeah, I do know your wife.
25:26Cos I've seen you both together.
25:28Oh!
25:29LAUGHTER
25:31Thank you for coming.
25:32Right.
25:33I'm leaving.
25:34OK.
25:35My own son's memorial.
25:35Cheers.
25:36That's Alex, Josh's dad there.
25:38Erm, cake is served in the, erm...
25:44..by the font.
25:45It was pretty strong, I thought, it was pretty excruciating.
25:55So they left the room, they just decided to do some improv about a funeral,
25:59came back in, so they didn't know what they were going to say,
26:01and it was tense in the room.
26:02And the teacher's having a lesbian affair?
26:06Mm-hm.
26:07We think so.
26:08We...
26:09We think so.
26:11Our idea was to do bad improv,
26:14because there's nothing worse or more awkward than improv when it's bad.
26:19Oh, I just thought you were bad at improv, but...
26:23We're at the halfway point of the episode.
26:25Advert time.
26:27What are you going to do about it?
26:28What are you looking at?
26:29Shut up.
26:38Hello, and welcome back to the start of part three.
26:40Feeling some awkward before the break,
26:42and it's not about to get any less awkward now, is it, Alex?
26:44That's right. Most genuine awkwardness wins,
26:47and now it's time for the team of three,
26:48who, let's face it, are awkward just to look at.
26:51It's Anya, Phil and Sanjeev.
26:55Oh, you're back.
26:56Alex, would you mind just come in and sit there?
26:58Just have a seat.
27:00If you could...
27:01Just grab that.
27:04Do I need this?
27:04No, you don't need that.
27:09Thank you, Sanjeev.
27:10Hello, Anya.
27:14It's better for us, if you're just honest,
27:16you know, which one of us...
27:19would you rather have sex with?
27:22Your answer here would either make you a racist or a sexist.
27:30So...
27:31Bearing in mind I'm 15.
27:36How old are you, Sanjeev?
27:38I'm older than 15.
27:39I'll have sex with you, Sanjeev.
27:41I think that's sexist.
27:43Because, I mean, during the week,
27:45you were very happy to kind of contemplate the bits.
27:48My body.
27:48Yeah, exactly.
27:50You remember what you called my hole?
27:52It was French.
27:55It sounds French.
27:56Was it Les Coles, a school?
27:58You called my bumhole a school.
28:01Wow.
28:02We've got...
28:03We have got another thing you could help us with
28:04to maybe make it feel better,
28:06which is that you could wash our baby.
28:09I don't mind washing your baby.
28:10OK.
28:11Excellent.
28:11Baby, so dirty.
28:24Right.
28:24Don't mind that.
28:26Please be thorough.
28:28Thorough.
28:33Do your knees.
28:36Are you still dirty?
28:37Baby hungry.
28:38No, no.
28:39Baby hungry.
28:40Baby hungry.
28:42Baby hungry.
28:46Mmm.
28:55OK, go to sleep.
28:57I'm 43.
28:59Yeah, I'm 46.
29:00I mean, what's wrong with you?
29:10Jesus.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12The word hole.
29:18The word hole was horrible.
29:20But I wasn't expected to be.
29:23OK.
29:23To be an anal sex rat.
29:25Yeah.
29:26Yeah, it was not the vagina.
29:28No.
29:30Yeah.
29:31This is going to be a challenge for the children's version of this show.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:35I would argue you can't show footage of a grown man sucking from another man's teeth.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42We did not plan that bit.
29:45No.
29:45But they left me on my own.
29:46Oh, was that spontaneous, that?
29:48I panicked.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:51We're all too very aware that you've played the very short version of what happened.
29:55LAUGHTER
29:56Um, I mean, I'm horrified by both teams' efforts, but I would give one more point to the team of three.
30:03So I would give them five points and the team of two, four points.
30:07There we go. Well done, both teams.
30:08Well done, both teams.
30:09APPLAUSE
30:10Right, let's have another task, Alex.
30:14Sure.
30:15And guess who forgot where he put the paintbrushes?
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19MUSIC PLAYS
30:20MUSIC PLAYS
30:25MUSIC PLAYS
30:30Oh, hello.
30:40Hello, Anya.
30:41How are you?
30:42Uh, tickety-boo?
30:45Yeah.
30:45Um, I'm well, if you're bothered.
30:49No, I'm just here to record what happens.
30:50Right.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52Do the most accurate finger painting of the person on the other end of the phone.
30:58You may only use four-letter words when speaking to them.
31:03And every other reply will be a lie.
31:06You have a total of ten minutes.
31:08Your time starts when the phone rings.
31:11Good luck.
31:12OK.
31:13PHONE RINGS
31:15And we're off.
31:16PHONE RINGS
31:17Erm, hello?
31:19PHONE RINGS
31:20Hi, hi!
31:21APPLAUSE
31:23Hi!
31:24APPLAUSE
31:25Four-letter word seems an unusually cruel rule.
31:31It's tricky, very tricky.
31:33I don't think there's much to discuss.
31:34Let's just crack on and do some finger painting.
31:36Yes, the person they are painting can only say the truth every other answer.
31:41First to finger paint are Anya and Sanjeev.
31:44PHONE RINGS
31:47Hiya.
31:49Hello. How are you?
31:51Er, fine, thank you.
31:52Erm...
31:53Er...
31:55Cool.
31:56Er...
31:57Cool?
31:59I'm cool, yeah.
32:00Great.
32:01What...
32:02Er...
32:03Head?
32:05I do have a head.
32:07Face?
32:08I do have a face, yes.
32:10Chin?
32:11Er, I have three chins.
32:13I do have a nose.
32:14That does...
32:15OK.
32:16A little more complicated than I thought.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:19Size?
32:20Nose?
32:21Er...
32:22I don't have a nose.
32:23They don't have a nose.
32:24Oh, that's a lie.
32:25We're narrowing this down.
32:26Er, name?
32:27Er...
32:28John.
32:29John.
32:30So, this is something that I do want to know.
32:35Sexy?
32:37Er, very.
32:40Very.
32:41And that's true.
32:43John?
32:44No, my name's not John.
32:45My name's Andrew.
32:47OK.
32:48Er...
32:49John?
32:50Er, yes, my name's John.
32:51Er...
32:52Hair?
32:53Er, no, I'm bald.
32:54Oh.
32:55Hair?
32:56Er, yes, I do have hair.
32:58Are you working out a tactic here?
33:00Not really.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:02One, two...
33:03What, where...
33:05...use?
33:06Yeah.
33:07I came straight from work, straight from the kitchen.
33:11So, I do think they're in a chef outfit.
33:13Any idea what John's wearing?
33:14No, I can't find another word in my head for...
33:17...clothes.
33:19Mess upon your garb?
33:23No, I wouldn't say suit.
33:25Suit?
33:26I'm not wearing a suit, no.
33:27Suit?
33:28Er, yes, I am wearing a suit.
33:30Long...hand?
33:32Er, yeah, I do have a long hand.
33:34Oh, that's a lie.
33:35Oh!
33:36Shoe...size?
33:37Er, small.
33:38Small.
33:39He's got small feet with his short hands, has he?
33:41Sounds like a right catch.
33:44Ring?
33:45No, I wouldn't say so.
33:53You haven't said anything to John for a minute now.
33:56I can't multitask.
33:57That's the problem.
33:58Ah, wrong show.
33:59You're going to have to hang up on John in a second.
34:01Any final words?
34:02Erm...
34:03Love?
34:06You...
34:08I do love.
34:10I think we had a real connection there.
34:13Bats.
34:16Bats.
34:17I love bats.
34:20Excellent.
34:22Right, well, thank you so much, Sanjee.
34:23Thank you very much for that.
34:26Ah!
34:27You're kidding.
34:29Oh, my God.
34:36Were you behind me the whole time?
34:37Yeah.
34:46What did you mean?
34:47Bats.
34:48Bats?
34:49Yeah, I mean, it didn't mean anything other than bats.
34:51It was a minute and a half of silence, then bats, bats, hang up.
34:56Anya just seemed to be on a dating app, as far as I could.
34:59It looked like...
35:00It looked like...
35:01I think I looked like I was on a dating app, and then I say this with the utmost respect to Sanjeev,
35:05it looked like he was a person getting scammed.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:12We can see Anya's and Sanjeev's while we're on the subject of them.
35:15So, Anya drew this.
35:18Not...
35:19Not terrible.
35:20The right sort of clothing.
35:21The gentleman is here.
35:22That's pretty good.
35:23The essence of the show.
35:24It's surprisingly all right, isn't it?
35:27Flip over to Sanjeev.
35:28Bats, bats!
35:30Oh, my God!
35:31I think if you took his hat off, I don't think that's too far off.
35:34Well, let's have a look at him.
35:35It's not a million miles...
35:36It's not as far as I thought it'd be.
35:38Well, it's a man.
35:40Both better than I thought they would be.
35:43Right, one part to go.
35:44Who will amass the points needed to stand victorious on the stage?
35:48Sanjeev's second urine sample of the series is not going to win itself!
35:52APPLAUSE
36:02Hello!
36:04It's the final part of the show.
36:05We've gone back to preschool for some finger-painting.
36:08Yes, Mr Davis, they're trying to paint the man on the other end of the phone,
36:11in the phone box that was directly behind them.
36:14Remember, they may only use four-letter words when speaking to him
36:17and every other reply will be a lie.
36:19Remember that.
36:20Maisie, Phil and Rhys.
36:23Remember that.
36:25PHONE RINGS
36:28Hello?
36:29Well, they won't reply to that.
36:30Hiya.
36:32Hello.
36:33Erm...
36:35Face?
36:36I do have a face, yes.
36:39Nice face.
36:40I've actually got a pretty ugly face, to be honest.
36:43Oh, OK.
36:44Sorry to hear that, erm...
36:46Name.
36:47Andrew.
36:48Am I expected to know this, Andrew?
36:49You'd expect you to paint him?
36:50Hair.
36:51I don't have any hair.
36:52Eyes.
36:53I do have eyes.
36:54Blue?
36:55Blue?
36:56They are blue, yes.
36:57Ah.
36:58We're off.
36:59We're off.
37:00Great.
37:01Eyes blue?
37:02My eyes are not blue, they're hazel.
37:03Right.
37:04I don't even think that's a colour.
37:05That's grey.
37:06I don't even think that's a colour, that's grey.
37:08How have I got grey from green and red?
37:09You don't have to answer that, they weren't four-letter words.
37:10It's just nice to know you're there.
37:11High nose?
37:12Have high nose?
37:13Er...
37:14Yes, high.
37:15Blue nose?
37:16I also have a blue nose, yes.
37:17Oh, yes.
37:18I do have eyes.
37:19I do have eyes.
37:20Blue?
37:21They are blue, yes.
37:22Ah.
37:23We're off.
37:24We're off.
37:25We're off, great.
37:26Eyes blue?
37:27My eyes are not blue, they're hazel.
37:28Right.
37:29I don't even think that's a colour, that's grey.
37:30How have I got grey from green and red?
37:31You don't have to answer that, they're weren't four-letter words.
37:32It's just nice to know you're there.
37:33High nose?
37:34Have high nose?
37:35Er, yes, high.
37:36Blue nose?
37:37I also have a blue nose, yes.
37:39You have a blue nose?
37:40Oh, come on.
37:41This is Papa Smurf.
37:42Hair?
37:43I do have hair, yes.
37:44Lots?
37:45No, I'm bald.
37:46You just said you had hair, mate.
37:49I was going to ask him if he had big ears, but...
37:52If I just said ears, he wouldn't know that.
37:55I mean size, would he?
37:57Ears.
37:58Size.
37:59I've got small ears.
38:00Oh, I've got big ones.
38:02Body?
38:03I do have a body, yes.
38:04Bigs?
38:05Er, yes, large.
38:06He's got a bigs body, doesn't he?
38:07Coat?
38:08Yes, I am wearing a coat.
38:09Cool coat?
38:10I would say it was quite cool, yeah.
38:11He's got a cool coat, isn't he?
38:12Yeah, it's a black leather jacket.
38:13I think it might be Danny Zuko.
38:14What make jobs?
38:15I make spaghetti bolognese.
38:16I make spaghetti bolognese.
38:17That's your job.
38:18Spag.
38:19Ball.
38:20Two L's.
38:21No, that's not right.
38:22That's not right.
38:23I don't think I care.
38:24Can I ask you something, Rhys?
38:25Yeah.
38:26How are you getting on with the truth and lie system of this?
38:28Have you remembered that?
38:29I hadn't been considering that.
38:45Right, I'm off now.
38:48You've been really, really unhelpful.
38:53been considering that I'm off now you've been really really unhelpful goodbye
39:01Andrew nice talking to you liar I'm gonna miss our chats not good for my
39:09blood pressure this you know I need this
39:13the fact that they all made the same mistake is fascinating enough I think we should just see the
39:24picture yeah let's get to the goods Maisie was furious that he wasn't apparently telling the
39:29complete truth and this is what she painted with her fingers you liar the info I got was blue nose
39:40spaghetti bolognese and no body so I think I genuinely left that caravan thinking nailed
39:46that you thought that man was on the end of the line it's amazing did that Phil did this cool yeah
39:56I mean straight away you went to Fonz yes Reese renowned artists did this
40:10what was the answer to the question bigs why did I think very definitely red shoes how could I have
40:19got that from him and that's the thing that worries you about your drawers all five with our chef Andrew
40:25that's his name here it's not really about who's good at art because maybe you know you could say
40:30I've captured his spirit yes least accurate first please Greg well I don't think that Maisie will be
40:45annoyed with me for this you think wrong because with the best will in the world as charming a
40:52character as that is it does not look like a human so one point for me one to Maisie good and I'll
40:59give Sanjeev two points oh two points Phil three points Phil three okay Reese has captured his
41:06haunted look see you know Anya's I mean somehow that forgive me Anya shit painting does look most
41:17like the chef wow so against all odds she takes five points wow there we go and you have five
41:24points right one of the scores Alex I can tell you that in the series Phil and Sanjeev are joint last
41:34with 70 points each but in this episode they're joint first with 15 points each
41:39I think Sanjeev should okay eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck I'm going to stop you
42:07there is there an accent on the e yes there is I got the lame duck that's good thank you very
42:24much okay here we go eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck if you are the only person to eat
42:32the lame duck you win five points and everybody else loses one point if more than one person eats
42:39the lame duck all lame duck eaters lose three points and the lame duck refusers gain three points if no
42:48one eats the lame duck you must each give Greg 25 pounds if everyone eats the lame duck Alex will give
42:59you each 25 pounds you have two minutes you've got to make the choice do you eat the duck or not eat
43:07the duck vegan chocolate I will tell you now it's delicious are you ready yeah yeah eat or not eat
43:13vegan lame ducks listen I say we all eat it yeah we all get 25 quid yeah we all lose three points yeah
43:21if more than one person eats the duck all the duck eaters lose three points but that leaves us where
43:29we are anyway but we're all 25 quid richer yeah but three points less yeah then but across the board
43:36yeah but you're already 25 quid down today that's why you don't worry about me it smells really good not a good
43:46reason news you can eat the duck and get 25 pounds that's that feels like the the win-win how do you
43:51do that by eating the duck we only we only adore if we only the dog we'll all get 25 pound and no
44:03point but if one of you fails to uphold their end of the bargain yeah but we won't because we'll all
44:07eat the dog why don't you all pass me your ducks now quick as you can but yeah but do we trust Phil
44:18not to eat all the ducks well that would be the thing wouldn't we we each have our duck we can eat
44:22it if all of us do it I was voted most trustworthy person in my primary school 22 seconds of decision
44:37you guys I ate mine you're gonna eat yours I'm gonna eat mine no what are you eating them five seconds
44:46left yes three I did not expect that to be so exciting Alex gone clear up come
45:07down here and join me and we'll see how that's affected the final score
45:18well well well any uh duck gobbling treachery there was a bit I think they all agreed to eat their duck
45:25didn't did somebody not somebody did not oh murder most foul
45:31are you who who who
45:36Rhys is it you yeah Rhys sheersmith did not eat his duck and if only one person didn't eat his duck
45:46everyone else loses three and he gains three wow wow no you know why that happened I didn't understand the
45:53rules sure you didn't get the rules Mcbeth but there's more Gregg this time I want to show you
46:06this he didn't eat his duck I've got it I sucked all the gold off it means I'm now worth more than
46:21I ever have been if more than one person eats the lame duck all are my duck eaters that's Anya
46:29that's Maisie that's Sanjeev lose three points and the lame duck refuses that's Phil that's Reese
46:34gain three points so well done Phil well done Reese wow which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of
46:43the table with seven points but way above her with 18 points for the first time he's won an episode
46:48Phil Ellis is one please let me get your seeds of a tree of your future archaeological tree
47:18you
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