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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04Ta-da! Hey!
00:07What? Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have. Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:26We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:28Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something for the show.
00:34Let's count down.
00:38Get in there.
00:40Right.
00:42Let's go.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert. John wins.
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go. Let's do this.
00:52OK, everyone, let's do this.
00:54MUSIC
00:56MUSIC
01:02MUSIC
01:06MUSIC
01:08MUSIC
01:10MUSIC
01:14MUSIC
01:15MUSIC
01:16MUSIC
01:17Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:33OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, we've got team Cathy and John Richardson.
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40Big dog daddy, that's what I'm talking about.
01:47Well, one of those words is factually correct. Really? Yeah, and it's not big or dog.
01:53You've got to hand it to John because he's so small he can't reach it by himself.
01:59People meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two.
02:04And John's teammate Judy Love.
02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:09Thank you. Thank you.
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favourite band, Blue,
02:14and got so excited that she threw her bra on stage.
02:18Killing all four of them.
02:24Who's your favourite member of Blue? I love Blue.
02:27I think it was Simon. Simon was lovely.
02:30But the bra was, yeah, it did. It was like, it was like a tent.
02:34Like, one love. It was just like, yes.
02:37Up against them this evening, we've got team captain Rob Beckett.
02:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth, but to be serious for a second,
02:49if you are feeding him, remember flat palm and let him come to you.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:54They're great teeth. Are they, are they, are they veneers or are they, they're your own teeth?
03:03Because they're good to see. Who would get that done?
03:06They are big, aren't they? No, they're not.
03:10And when I laugh, it looks like they're running out.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:15Joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson.
03:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:22Katherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television.
03:27Whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five, an ageing spinster,
03:31or a kindly grandmother, there's all kinds of opportunities.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36I'm only just in my 40s, I'm nearly out of my 40s, but, so thank you.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Jon, now you recently, you voiced Grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie.
03:45How did you get that role? Why were you cast, do you think?
03:48Well, I think Fanny Smasher Smurf had already been cast.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:57It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out.
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Technically, I was in a film with Rihanna.
04:08And she doesn't know who the hell I am.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12You've done a film, haven't you?
04:14You're like a bird that commentates on films.
04:16Yes.
04:17And you're in Cinderella, which we love.
04:19Yes, I was in Cinderella.
04:20Really? Do you what?
04:22Acting.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25What part in Cinderella?
04:27I was a pervert trying to get up with her.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30It's good they'll let you keep the glasses, though.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:35Can I, erm... Go on.
04:36..tell you that, I mean, part of the reason we watched that
04:39is because, erm, my husband originally had that part,
04:43but they, erm, had him in his costume and he did a scene
04:46and they thought he looked too pervy.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50So they've got someone who looks pervier.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53I think, though, Camila Cabot looked very young as Cinderella.
04:56She lived very young and my husband is, yes, my age.
04:59And a convicted pervert.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02OK, Judy, what would be your perfect day off?
05:05Er, I think it'd be at home, not having to do any kind of maths
05:10or work with numbers and words and shit like this.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to no-one, I don't want to...
05:18No, I don't want to do anything.
05:20I'll be honest, you get bored of it.
05:21You asked me, who said I'd get bored of it?
05:23I've got kids.
05:24When you say you've got kids, how many kids you got?
05:26Two.
05:27Yeah, two.
05:28How old are they, Judy? One's 20.
05:29One's...yeah, but...
05:30That doesn't count.
05:31You're not on the front line of a three-year-old.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Er, Rob, you got a mascot?
05:36Yes, I do, I have got a mascot, actually.
05:38Erm, so one of my favourite pastimes, erm, a little hobby of mine
05:41is tripping up children.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Erm, when you've got kids, you're at a lot of parties, soft plays,
05:47and there's always a couple of idiot kids that are being mean to your kids,
05:50so a little, as they're sprinting past, being able to...
05:53..a little leg out.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Just to catch them on the run and...
05:58Ever do it to your own child, or...?
06:00No, no, cos they're normally...
06:01No, I don't...I don't just do it to all...
06:02It's just, you know, I'm getting older,
06:04kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that,
06:06so what I've got is I've had some special shoes made
06:08to help me with the tripping up, cos it can get difficult.
06:11So I've got these.
06:12They're only a prototype.
06:13I think they're going to take off.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:23Can I...?
06:24Can you see these now? Yeah, I'd like to see these...
06:26Yeah, see, like, obviously, I've got them to look like normal shoes
06:29that people don't notice.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:32Yeah, no, I mean...
06:33I'll come round and show you what...
06:34Oh!
06:35I don't have to...
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37It's not really that...
06:38What's that?
06:39What's that?
06:40What?
06:41What?
06:42Well, you can tell...
06:43You can tell when you know...
06:47THEY LAUGH
06:49THEY LAUGH
06:50THEY LAUGH
06:51They're cool!
06:52They're really cool!
06:53Yeah!
06:54I think they might catch on.
06:55It's like a classic pair of sort of laced-up trainers.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Say you're at a party, you're just sat down having a chat.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01You're having a drink, kid run past, in a coffee shop, fuck off!
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06And then you're this easy to go, like, twat!
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10Can you run in those?
07:11What's that?
07:12Can you...?
07:13I'm not chasing kids.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15You look like someone who chases kids, if I'm honest.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Oh, that's really...
07:19Oh, my God!
07:20Very good!
07:21APPLAUSE
07:22That was...
07:23That was close, though.
07:24He nearly went.
07:25Yeah, so, if you want a pair, let me know, I'm going to start a...
07:40Crowdfunder.
07:41HE LAUGHS
07:42HE LAUGHS
07:43HE LAUGHS
07:44HE LAUGHS
07:45HE LAUGHS
07:46HE LAUGHS
07:47HE LAUGHS
07:48It's quite a long one.
07:49HE LAUGHS
07:50Well, Becca, everyone.
07:51He's got massive shoes.
07:52APPLAUSE
07:53HE LAUGHS
07:54HE LAUGHS
07:56HE LAUGHS
07:58HE LAUGHS
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine, um...
08:01Catherine, have you got a mascot?
08:02Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
08:03I mean, you've created yours.
08:05Have you made those yourself?
08:06Yeah, absolutely.
08:07That's...
08:08I mean, this is...
08:09This is shop-bought, what I've got.
08:12And it's just to relieve tension in the drawer,
08:14but when I first got it, I did...
08:17I used it this way for quite a while
08:19until somebody said it was actually this way.
08:22What...
08:23You do it, put it...
08:24Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there?
08:27It looks good.
08:28Ah!
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:32HE LAUGHS
08:33It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:36No problem.
08:37HE LAUGHS
08:38It's nice, isn't it?
08:40It's nice, isn't it?
08:41It doesn't look great.
08:42No.
08:43Someone...
08:44Someone is going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:47HE LAUGHS
08:48As it pushes back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:51It does, it does.
08:52Because they're white as well, it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:56HE LAUGHS
08:57It's going to pull them back.
08:59Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:01I have...
09:02Because when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:05I'm always worried about, like, what's going to be the end result.
09:09But because of that, I thought, let me just relax myself.
09:12I've got my crystal ball so I can get predictions.
09:17Oh!
09:18Yeah.
09:19I can see things, like, now I can see this gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
09:23Very, very...
09:24Oh, God, look at her.
09:25Just hot.
09:26Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:27Sorry.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29But I can see lots of little things.
09:31I can see John at home by himself, arguing with a thermostat.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:37I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a Cardi on.
09:41Yeah, yeah.
09:42Susie...
09:43I can see Susie in the afterlife having a conversation.
09:47Well, actually, pulling up God because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:53Have a break, girl.
09:54Have a break.
09:55Do you know what I mean?
09:56So, yeah, I can see...
09:57Hang on.
09:58Susie's dead in that.
09:59Yeah, but she's not...
10:00You buried the lead on that.
10:01How did she die?
10:02She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win.
10:10The silence, that was killing me.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:16Of course, Susie.
10:17Let's enjoy while we've got it.
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture, really, Jimmy.
10:22Oh!
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands, a lot of coining tributes.
10:27So I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all.
10:30He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So people would ask who he was.
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40So sometimes...
10:41Sometimes you want to update an act while you're doing the tribute.
10:44So I've got a modern Johnny Cash called Johnny Contactless.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:51And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:54He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin, cos I can't afford all of them,
11:03so that's Les Zeppelin.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:06I've got loads of these. I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:10Brian Maiden.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12He's very...
11:13I've got as many of these as you want.
11:14One man, take that. Jake, that.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16And then I saw the Oasis gigs and I thought,
11:19well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:21I thought, one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:23I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:25and quite unpleasant, piss-throwing and all that.
11:28So I thought, how do you change that?
11:29Well, you just...
11:30The music speaks for itself,
11:31so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:33So I've got a tribute band called OA Sisters.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:40I've brought them along tonight.
11:42So, ladies and gentlemen, OA Sisters are here.
11:44Oh!
11:45APPLAUSE
11:46So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late,
12:02when we're walking on by.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:07The soul slides away,
12:11Don't look back in anger,
12:15I heard you say.
12:17APPLAUSE
12:24You were slightly okay.
12:26You were.
12:27The only key that I need
12:29is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking cat.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:37in a world full of steak.
12:40LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this.
12:45I'm fucking off.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:47You, you weasel in cardigan-wearing little swats.
12:50LAUGHTER
12:52You'd better pay us what you owe.
12:54Yeah, I agree with her, actually.
12:56And I've got big hands.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59APPLAUSE
13:05And over in the dictionary corner,
13:06please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:13LAUGHTER
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19All right?
13:20Well, Spencer, good to have you back.
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:22I've been...
13:23Everyone's got a dodgy offie that they go to.
13:26But what I like to do,
13:27when I go to the dodgy offie,
13:28give the boys the red stripe,
13:29empty the bag,
13:30put the bag on your head like that,
13:32put that round that ear like that,
13:33and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then...
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37LAUGHTER
13:42You might...
13:43You might get signed by John.
13:44Yeah, I'll take it.
13:45You want some more?
13:46Yeah!
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:51All right?
13:52I'll be honest, it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:57Happy Mother's Day!
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00Oh, jeez!
14:05I've got banned!
14:06I've got banned from TikTok for that.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:11Oh, my God!
14:12There's one other thing.
14:13There we go.
14:14Sometimes when you're visiting a hospital,
14:16you know, it's a sad time.
14:17People are dying.
14:19But they've got plenty of these knocking around,
14:21which you can nick.
14:22No-one will ever go at you.
14:23You can do sort of like,
14:24You lie! It's fine!
14:25LAUGHTER
14:29LAUGHTER
14:32It's too cheap.
14:33It's too cheap.
14:34Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38Me too.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40What you can do, when you blow up like that,
14:41you put one finger in like that,
14:42and then that one comes through there like that,
14:44and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and that,
14:47and then...
14:48ROLL AWAY!
14:49LAUGHTER
14:50LAUGHTER
14:52LAUGHTER
14:53And they'll be dying,
14:54but they'll be laughing.
14:56And then what you can do,
14:57you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that,
14:59and then...
15:00It's like that.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03I love you, Liam!
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05APPLAUSE
15:06APPLAUSE
15:07OK.
15:08APPLAUSE
15:09Thanks for joining us.
15:11APPLAUSE
15:12And with Spencer, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:17Last Valentine's Day, Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:23I listened to it, Susie, and I'll be honest with you,
15:25I was bored stiff.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:30Lots of words make me laugh.
15:32In the historical dictionary,
15:34there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:38and they're described as ill-willy.
15:40If you are kind towards someone, you were good-willy.
15:43And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:46you were evil-willy.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:50I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54OK.
15:55And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
15:57APPLAUSE
15:59Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:06You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:08so I would quite like to get one.
16:10My brother's got absolutely loads, but you've got to get it right,
16:13haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful,
16:15something you don't regret.
16:16So, I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:20so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:22because, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:24to see your face on real human skin.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28APPLAUSE
16:36OK, the prize that teams will be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:41APPLAUSE
16:48Oh, this should be good.
16:49Oh.
16:50Ooh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:53Just edge...
16:54Maybe a little bit...
16:56Just a touch closer,
16:57just a tad.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:05APPLAUSE
17:07I thought they were beekeeping.
17:10One in the blue.
17:11Let's see your face.
17:12Hey.
17:13I knew the second one was a brother.
17:15I knew it.
17:16I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk.
17:18I said that to him.
17:19You said, you said, I could tell from his walk he was black
17:21and I didn't know what to say.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:25Literally.
17:26I've whispered it to John.
17:27I was hoping John would say it.
17:29Yes.
17:30But I didn't want it to get cancelled.
17:31No, yeah.
17:32But I just saw it in his walk.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:34I don't know what that man is called.
17:36But, um...
17:37RUN!
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39OK, let's count down everyone.
17:42Time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Catherine,
17:44you get the first pick of the letters.
17:45A vowel, please.
17:46Yeah.
17:47Can I have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:49N.
17:50Another vowel, please.
17:51A.
17:52A consonant.
17:53G.
17:54Another vowel, please.
17:55I.
17:56A consonant.
17:57S.
17:58Another consonant, please.
17:59S.
18:00Another consonant, please.
18:01L.
18:02A vowel.
18:03U.
18:04And another vowel, please.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07Can we stop a second?
18:08When you said that, the crowd oohed, which I felt like you'd made a bad decision, but I wasn't listening for me, so...
18:11Oh!
18:12Do we think that's too many vowels? Can I... Consonant, please?
18:13Consonant.
18:14Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17OK, while you crack on with that, I've got a side hustle. I'm a couples therapist.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20OK.
18:21OK.
18:22Right.
18:23OK.
18:24Next.
18:25S.
18:26S.
18:27S.
18:28S.
18:29S.
18:30S.
18:31S.
18:32S.
18:33S.
18:34S.
18:35S.
18:36S.
18:37S.
18:38S.
18:39S.
18:40S.
18:41S.
18:42S.
18:43S.
18:44S.
18:45S.
18:46S.
18:47S.
18:48S.
18:49S.
18:50S.
18:51S.
18:52S.
18:53S.
18:54S.
18:55S.
18:56S.
18:57S.
18:58S.
18:59S.
19:00S.
19:01S.
19:02S.
19:03S.
19:04S.
19:05S.
19:06S.
19:07S.
19:08S.
19:09S.
19:10S.
19:11S.
19:12S.
19:13If you don't mind me saying real dog breath. How did you two meet?
19:18Dogging
19:20Mate, I think you should leave her. She's a bitch
19:27Well, I see you two have made up now, so that'll be 500 pounds, please
19:34Okay round of applause everyone for our dogs and their handlers
19:44Rob how many six after in how many six six, okay? Judy six John how many seven seven?
19:52Okay, Rob, what's your six aliens? Catherine your six claws. Okay. Oh nice. I Judy your six
19:58I had uncles by John for the win your seven
20:03Glances
20:05Oh
20:12Susie could they have done you better you could have had lunacies for eight. So at the end of that John and Judy are in the lead with seven points
20:22Onto our first numbers round Judy you get your pick of the numbers
20:27Don't just do it. Hey, you came
20:31Up to four big ones. Yeah, and then the rest little ones
20:34So I'll pick
20:37Ten
20:38No
20:40Well, you don't get to pick the numbers. That's why it's fun
20:44So you get to say two big or three big or four, but okay, so three big one three big one. Oh, and how many I don't think we were gonna win this round
20:55Small one
20:57Yeah
20:59All together six
21:01How's that changed they haven't even changed the fuck?
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair
21:08Yeah
21:10It was different last time when I was picking something you predicted the future tonight. You didn't see this coming
21:18Yeah
21:20Seven nine and ten ten and the big ones fifty twenty five and one hundred. Oh, yes
21:32112 okay, your target is 112 for your time starts now
21:35You have to use
21:37I'm sorry
21:39I'm sorry
21:41Right, so I do it
21:43It's again
21:45Oh, I know
21:47It's a state of my life
22:03Okay
22:05No one else
22:07No one else
22:17Rob did you get it? Yeah
22:22Really quick. Thank you. You don't have to use all the numbers do you? Yes. Okay
22:27No
22:35Did you get it well if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers of course I would have bloody got it
22:41I would have got it. I got 99
22:57Take away 50 equals 50
23:07Take away 25 equals 25
23:1225 take away 10 left 15 and then I
23:18Think to 100 was a hundred and fifty
23:21And then I added seven and nine which was 16 and took away 16 from 115 which was 99
23:38Wow Judy do you want to be my accountant?
23:40I
23:47Have you get it? I hope so having sort of whooped and sort of been all pleased myself that I had I did get it
23:53I will talk talk us through nine take away seven is two. That was the hard bit. Thank you
23:58Plus 10 is 12 plus 100 is 112. Yep
24:01Oh
24:06John did did you get it? I did 50 over 10 plus 7 for the 12. Yeah, that'll do
24:17Wang site the clue is is it a point here? That's Wang site is it a hoi in here see after the break
24:23Okay, so John and Judy are in the lead they've been playing in teams so far
24:50But this game is just for Rob and Judy. Oh, so Judy your turn to choose the letters. Val. Yep. Nailed it a
24:59consonant
25:00T
25:01Consonant
25:03John while this is while this is going on. We shall be a
25:06Val I put these Pilates. Oh, yeah, great. Val sure. Yeah, which
25:15T it's not that I'm not interested. I just think this is gonna be shit
25:20Just if I don't
25:22Hey, right, I've actually only hired one machine so we're both right on at the same time
25:27So if you go there, yeah, yeah, you grab that
25:32Was it lentils again was it okay your time starts now
25:50Can you feel it burn?
25:52Can you feel the burn?
26:00ungen
26:10Test
26:11But oh
26:12So John Jim do you mind if I just take the tip out
26:23I've got tear if that's anything
26:27Judy love have you got your phone out? I was just checking the spelling
26:34So sorry John, do you?
26:36Oh
26:40Is that reform Pilates explains why they're so fucking angry. It's amazing. It's really good. I liked it. Yeah, but it's nice to be intimate
26:49Judy how many five six
26:53Five six, okay, Rob, how many did you get okay? We're behind. I've got a solid six wrong after I'm just gonna
26:58I'm going in for a seven. Okay. All right, so Judy. What is your six? I've got stereo
27:04To ease the stereo. There's too easy, right? Yeah, there are two east. Sorry. Yeah
27:16I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're fired. Yeah
27:26Rob your risky seven
27:34It was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third a
27:42Risky seven oh no tt's
27:48Tt's ct's I've got a place as a backup for seven if that's allowed. No, it's no
27:53Okay
27:57Um tt's not in but treaties. Yeah, it is. It is a tree. No, I had it there
28:10Six points to Judy love
28:14Susie Spencer could they have done any better to steer for eight
28:18Tearious for eight and treaties for eight right now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head
28:23I Catherine your turn to pick the numbers. I'll pick a big number
28:31Two big ones yeah for small ones. Yeah, because two plus four equals six
28:37Judy write that down it might come in handy
28:39Four little ones we have ten six five four and then your big two fifty and twenty-five
28:48And the target 223 feel sick. Okay your time starts now
29:09Okay, so your target was two hundred and twenty three
29:28John did you get it two two four a little bit disappointed. Catherine. Did you get it? Oh?
29:33Oh two two four, but I was very pleased with that
29:39Okay, all right. How did you that's what I was going for 25 times 10 25 times a 250 five times four?
29:45Oh, you've got it 20
29:48Five times four 20 take away 20 from 250 and then 230 minus six. Yeah
29:55John, how would you have done it?
29:57Have you not been an idiot if I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace?
30:0050 times four is 200 200 add 25 25 and then 10 over five is two. Yeah, well done
30:14So John you didn't get in time so seven points for both teams
30:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner Spencer. What have you got for us? Well
30:24When I was younger my nan and granddad had a
30:31Really really aggressive parrot called Bobby Bobby was ringside for every single argument my nan and granddad ever had
30:38And he learned a lot of their their swear words, so I'm going to show you Bobby right now
30:43But firstly, I'm going to put this here like that
30:50You gonna work that yeah, and going to work
30:55And so that's like that yeah, and then grab that
31:08Every day stuck in this cage
31:11I just want to fly away
31:15Every day looking at these walls
31:21But no one hears my calls
31:27Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:29Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:31Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:32Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:33Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:34Who's a pretty boy? Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:35They ask me all the time
31:37They're always asking me
31:41Holding this together
31:46That's a whole lot of feathers
31:52Oi! Stop that, you dirty bugger!
31:55Stop that, Derek! No!
31:57No! No, no, that's not my milk!
32:00That's my milk!
32:01No, you can't park there!
32:03No, stop it! That is not my smell!
32:07I did not fart!
32:09Can't park there! Can't park there!
32:11Stop it, Derek!
32:12I thought I'd be dead by now!
32:14Anyway, just that bit.
32:19Spencer Jones, everyone!
32:22Right, and here is your teaser.
32:23The words are, our snob, the clue is, thank you, my lady.
32:27That's our snob, thank you, my lady.
32:29See you after the break.
32:30Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were, our snob, the clue was, thank you, my lady.
32:38It was, of course...
32:39Baroness.
32:41Well done.
32:43Well done.
32:45Well done.
32:46If you could do it, then we can score some fucking points, it might be helpful.
32:49Now, the keen-eyed viewer might have noticed that I've added an extra player.
32:54It's because Rob and Catherine are lagging behind, so I thought I'll give you an extra team member.
33:00Please welcome everyone, comedian John Totill.
33:02APPLAUSE
33:03Very good to have you, John.
33:05John Totill, it looks like if you asked AI to draw a picture of Henry VIII before he let himself go.
33:11LAUGHTER
33:27I think I look a bit like your long-lost son.
33:29Oh, my God!
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33I do not look like a family.
33:34Yeah, absolutely.
33:35Hello, darling.
33:37Yeah.
33:37I don't know, I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers, to be honest with you.
33:41LAUGHTER
33:43How old are you?
33:44I am almost your age.
33:47I'm 28.
33:47How old are you?
33:4828.
33:49Almost his age!
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52Wow.
33:53How old are you coming here, Rob?
33:5539, so actually, from where I'm from, old enough.
33:58LAUGHTER
33:59So, John, well, welcome to the show.
34:03Now, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right, yeah.
34:05I used to work in a primary school.
34:06I'm slightly worried that I've been brought on here to support the losing team,
34:10but I was not a good teacher.
34:11I was a really bad...
34:13I was, in the words of one of my own students, a dogshit teacher.
34:16I taught year four, so they won't.
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:21No.
34:22Oh, sorry.
34:23I can't do countdown, I really can't.
34:25I can't even count down, do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting up, you should see me counting up.
34:29Fucking hell.
34:30One, two, three, I could go on.
34:33You only practice once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:35That's it.
34:36Well, no, I used to practice in wet play.
34:37Wet play?
34:38Yeah, with the kids.
34:39Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:39Wet play.
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age,
34:45wet play is a good word.
34:48John, have you got a master?
34:50I do, yes, yes.
34:52This is my clarinet.
34:53Oh.
34:53Now, there you go.
34:54I don't make much sense as a person unless you know that all I did
34:59for the first 18 years of my life was practice clarinet.
35:04Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything,
35:06but between you and me, I am what you would call seriously good at the clarinet.
35:10Wow.
35:11And you know that's true, because why would I lie about that?
35:14I'm not coming here going, the thing is, guys, I'm really good in bed.
35:17I'm not, I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever.
35:19What I'm really good at is the clarinet.
35:21You wouldn't lie about it with a clarinet in your hand.
35:25You don't whip that out for wet play, do you?
35:30Can we get a little sample of this?
35:31Of course you can.
35:33There's not a dry seat in the house.
36:00We're going to fuck you up.
36:01John Tottil, look what those fingers can do with a clarinet.
36:06Wait till he gets on a biro.
36:08OK, John, Tottil, your turn to pick the letters.
36:11Oh, great, OK.
36:12Could I please have a vowel?
36:14He's already more confident than us, Gavin.
36:16Oh, no.
36:16Could I have a consonant?
36:18M.
36:18Another consonant, please.
36:19D.
36:20Vowel, please.
36:21I feel so confident with this guy.
36:22I feel really safe.
36:23You're safe.
36:24Yeah.
36:24Another vowel, please.
36:27A.
36:27Erm, could I have a consonant, please?
36:29T.
36:30Another consonant.
36:32N.
36:33Erm, a consonant, please.
36:34T.
36:35And one last vowel, please.
36:36And.
36:37An E.
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go.
36:42I thought it was talking to me.
36:42Yeah.
36:46OK, and your time starts.
36:48A two, three, four, now.
36:49A two, three, four, now.
36:54Oh, gosh!
37:04It's so awful, guys.
37:10It's really awful!
37:11Can you stop?
37:13Don't stop.
37:27I've got seven. John, what have you got?
37:29I've got zero. He's got nothing. You've got nothing, you were playing the clarinet.
37:31I was playing the clarinet. I've got an alibi.
37:33Catherine, you've got? Seven.
37:35Judy? Seven. How many?
37:37Six, five, four, four, five.
37:39Five. I've got a name.
37:41Dante.
37:43Nice, classy.
37:45Okay, John, how many?
37:47Eight. We're all having fun over it.
37:49I think we've done well, you slide your eight in.
37:51What's your eight?
37:53I did that on the Pilates earlier.
37:55Catherine, what's your word?
37:57Tainted. Tainted.
37:59Oh, nice.
38:01Rob, your seven? Tainted.
38:03Touch me be between...
38:05Do you know what?
38:07I love John Richard. Lovely car.
38:09But when he's winning, this little weasel comes out.
38:13Okay, John, what is your eight?
38:15Dominate.
38:17Oh.
38:19Okay, so that's eight points to John.
38:21Okay, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
38:23Not any better.
38:25We've got two other eights.
38:27It's a word I've never heard before.
38:29Tomateen. Tomateen.
38:30Tomateen.
38:31Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes.
38:33So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points.
38:37APPLAUSE
38:39There you go.
38:41Time once again to pass to Dictionary Corner.
38:43Spencer, what have you got for us?
38:45Um, well, currently I'm a bit skint.
38:47But eventually you get paid and you go from,
38:49I'm just going to have binge and toast tonight, to this guy.
38:55Just been paid, didn't I?
38:57Put your money away, mate.
38:59I'll get these.
39:01Uh, 12 Zambucas please, mate.
39:03Does anyone else want 12 Zambucas?
39:05They're all for me!
39:07While you've been skint, you've been having a little look online.
39:09You might have been having a look at a new laptop, Susie.
39:11But that little voice in your head, once you start it,
39:13it starts to get louder and louder.
39:15It starts going,
39:17I'm going to buy Stebladder.
39:19It's useful.
39:21Heelys.
39:23In my size.
39:27So I bought that.
39:35And you know, like, everyone's got a rap song
39:37that they swear they know the words to,
39:39but they don't know the words.
39:40They don't know the words to just know how good be word sounds.
39:43Happens in the car with me,
39:44and a rap song will come and I'll go,
39:46kids, I know there's one from back in the day!
39:47Don't know the words!
39:48Just make up the words.
39:49Just like...
39:50yea singing, I сам got up at the beach,
39:52baby cry.
39:55Chape mysy,
39:57and crash,
40:01and shout it,
40:02him.
40:04I can badев répl institutions,
40:07and operates,
40:08I
40:18Final teaser the words are Rob's pole the clue is try and keep a straight face. That's Rob's pole try and keep a straight face
40:38Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were Rob's pole the clue was try and keep a straight face
40:44It was of course bloopers
40:46Okay time for our final letters game John and Judy your turn to choose the letters go on King late
40:52Wow
40:54Daddy's got this
40:59Well you've ruined
41:02Jimmy's getting his gloves up
41:08That's how he eats a sandwich fucking serial killer
41:15May I have a consonant please Rachel may and and a vowel, please oh
41:24Got two two words
41:28And we're gonna stick thank you
41:32A consonant, please L and a vowel, please
41:36Please
41:38U
41:39And a consonant, please
41:40R
41:41A vowel, please
41:42E
41:43And a consonant, please
41:45Q
41:46Okay, while you do that I've got a patient to see
41:48A consonant, please
41:50K
41:51Oh, these are awful
41:53A consonant, please
41:55And a final G
41:57Oh dear
41:58Oh dear
41:59L
42:00L
42:01L
42:02L
42:03L
42:04L
42:05L
42:06L
42:07L
42:08colleague
42:09Ralph the missus
42:10If you can, till you go brush your little teeth hands
42:12Ok your time starts now
42:18You okay? How are your canines?
42:20s
42:22resort to dr
42:23It's nice, isn't it?
42:48Robin, is this your dog?
42:50Yeah.
42:51Could you give me a smile there?
42:53Because it's quite a...
42:58Quite a resemblance.
42:59Come on, you go, you've got a mummy.
43:04Katherine, John, Rob, how many?
43:06I've got a five.
43:07OK, John?
43:08I've got a three.
43:09I'll let you down.
43:10A three?
43:11Katherine, how many?
43:12I've got seven, Jimmy.
43:13OK.
43:14Judy, how many?
43:15Surprisingly, two.
43:17We've got a seven.
43:19Judy and I...
43:20We've got a seven, yeah.
43:22Judy, what's your two?
43:25No.
43:28John, what's your...
43:29Noor.
43:30N-O-R.
43:31Noor.
43:32Noor.
43:33Noor.
43:34Yeah, Rob.
43:35Loner.
43:36Loner.
43:37Very good.
43:38John, your seven?
43:39I want to hear us.
43:40Traditionally on the show you go with the risky one first.
43:41OK, all right.
43:42But no, I don't give a shit, cos I'm just...
43:44Do you not give a shit, or are you really annoyed?
43:46I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:49Can I...
43:50LAUGHTER
43:51LAUGHTER
43:56Lounger.
43:57Katherine, is that your seven?
43:58Well, similar, I've got longer, but I don't think...
44:01Oh, lovely.
44:02Longer.
44:03Two U's for that.
44:04So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:07Seven points to John.
44:09APPLAUSE
44:10OK.
44:15Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:17No, Loner was ours as well.
44:19Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:22we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:26LAUGHTER
44:27I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:32LAUGHTER
44:33OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's 29-point...
44:37Where's the buzzer?
44:38..countdown conundrum.
44:39She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:41LAUGHTER
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer
44:44cos we don't think you're going to need it.
44:46LAUGHTER
44:47OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial
44:50Countdown conundrum.
44:51Your time starts...
44:52Go on, John.
44:53..now.
44:54At least look.
44:55Oh.
44:58Oh, you're joking.
44:59Oh, no.
45:00I haven't got it.
45:01Let's restart that.
45:02BUZZER
45:03BUZZER
45:04BUZZER
45:05BUZZER
45:06BUZZER
45:07BUZZER
45:08BUZZER
45:09BUZZER
45:10BUZZER
45:11Origin.
45:12Oh!
45:13It's wrong.
45:14That's not a good sound.
45:15Absolutely wrong.
45:16Wrong.
45:17BUZZER
45:18BUZZER
45:19BUZZER
45:20BUZZER
45:21BUZZER
45:22BUZZER
45:23BUZZER
45:24BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:26BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:28BUZZER
45:29BUZZER
45:30BUZZER
45:31BUZZER
45:32BUZZER
45:33BUZZER
45:34BUZZER
45:35BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:37BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:39BUZZER
45:40BUZZER
45:41BUZZER
45:42BUZZER
45:43BUZZER
45:44BUZZER
45:45BUZZER
45:46BUZZER
45:47BUZZER
45:48BUZZER
45:49BUZZER
45:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:57Judy, fucking sit down!
46:00I still want to do that, I can't!
46:12Fucking hell!
46:15Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
46:17the Countdown Fencing Kit.
46:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:23Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:25all of you for watching at home.
46:26That's it from us, good night!
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59APPLAUSE
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