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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E10
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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Martin Clunes.
00:41In the news this week, as he faces up to the fact
00:44that he can no longer rely on Mo Salah,
00:46Liverpool's manager Arne Slott finds a replacement
00:49with the necessary guts and determination.
00:54No, no, no.
01:00APPLAUSE
01:05On the Filipino version of Strictly,
01:07one of the professionals struggles to hide her feelings
01:09after seeing her former partner taking another dancer
01:12up the trocadero the night before.
01:20And in Westminster, having just patched things up
01:22with the Prime Minister, Wes Streeting's dad picks a bad moment
01:25to turn up with his son's Christmas present.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:35On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:37and the host of the BAFTA Games Awards,
01:39so he's bringing with him a large demographic
01:41of young people who stay in their bedroom
01:43and don't watch TV shows like this, so sob them.
01:45Please welcome Phil Wang.
01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:49On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:56who once appeared on Celebrity Masterchef with Greg Wallace.
01:59The loud, abrasive banter was hard to take,
02:01but somehow Greg weathered the storm.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
02:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08And we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:13Paul and Janet, here's yours.
02:15Yeah. OK, well, that's the World Cup draw in 1966,
02:18and this is the head of FIFA with...
02:21It's Canada and America and Mexico.
02:23There's Donald Trump.
02:24Trump got a Peace Award from FIFA.
02:26This is the World Cup draw that happened.
02:28Trump was given a special medal and a...
02:31It's an inaugural Peace Prize.
02:33Yes.
02:34It's not any old prize.
02:35No.
02:36It's the football's answer to the Nobel Peace Prize.
02:38That's right.
02:39Because obviously he was denied that.
02:40Yeah.
02:41So now he's got the far superior version.
02:43Yeah, yeah.
02:44The FIFA Peace Prize.
02:46But it's a rather odd-looking sort of trophy that he's got.
02:49It's sort of like these hands coming out of the earth
02:51and grasping the planet, you know.
02:52It's like a zombie sort of effect.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:55There we are, look at this.
02:57That's a bit bizarre, isn't it?
02:58That trophy's perfect for him.
02:59Like, he wishes his hands were that big.
03:01Mm.
03:02Grab the world by the pussy.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:07Trump was so pleased with the Peace Prize,
03:09he suggested that the American should stop calling their football,
03:12football.
03:13Extraordinary.
03:14It's like changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico.
03:16Yeah.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19He's just so needy.
03:20Yeah.
03:21That's what I couldn't believe.
03:22He needs affirmation every ten minutes, doesn't he?
03:24Yeah.
03:25Please give me a prize.
03:26Oh, and you do, and he's not faking it.
03:28He was so happy.
03:29Yeah.
03:30You can buy those trophies in B&Q.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:34So his favourite band, the Village People,
03:36performed his favourite song.
03:37Yes, that's right.
03:38Let's have a look at that.
03:39Yeah.
03:40When you look at them, you wonder how they met in the first place.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Is it only big macho bands?
03:59Pet Shop Boys?
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia,
04:12what else is happening to promote gay rights through football?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:20There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there?
04:24And had to draw the teams who were going to play that match at random,
04:28and the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:37It's like if you had an International Women's Day match
04:39played by Egypt and Iran, I guess.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:44I'm really looking forward to the World Cup being in America.
04:47You know, all these teams from around the world
04:49getting tear-gassed by ice every match.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53Like, the US wins at the end because it's the only team left.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57You've got a bit of football now, so what do you reckon?
04:59I reckon it's, er...
05:02It's a sure thing.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05Do you think Nat Lofthouse should be picked?
05:07LAUGHTER
05:10That's just a trick question.
05:11You're trying to make me look a fool by choosing a footballer
05:14from 1943.
05:161953, you'd have been right.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19Yeah.
05:20Not everybody enjoyed the two-hour World Cup ceremony.
05:23Here's a clip of sports commentator Jonathan Pearce.
05:27And if I can ask you to come in front here for another photo
05:30with the paper, con el papelito, por favor.
05:34Hopefully the draw will be finished in time for the first match
05:37to kick off in June.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:43The man on the right, Mark Carney, was the governor of the Bank of England.
05:47Yeah, he's done well, hasn't he?
05:48Yeah, he's really gone up the food chain, hasn't he?
05:50Yeah, absolutely.
05:51He now has to grovel to Trump.
05:52Yeah.
05:53I do love that he's called Infantino because he does have a baby's head.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59Which he keeps on the draw.
06:00I wonder...
06:01LAUGHTER
06:06Football was invented in Britain.
06:07Which other sport do we have that Trump might enjoy?
06:10Cricket, not cricket.
06:11He doesn't like cricket.
06:12It's the darts.
06:13The world championship.
06:14Oh, yes.
06:15Let's have a look at how the BBC covered that.
06:17Yeah.
06:18The excitement of darts is more intense than going to a game of football
06:21or anything like that.
06:22And how do the prices compare?
06:23You know, football tickets.
06:24Oh, it's a lot better here.
06:25Yeah, a lot better.
06:26Darts are so much better.
06:27Entertainment is better.
06:28You can't go to football and buy these two and go in there.
06:35Away from sport, what's Trump's latest tactic to get peace in Ukraine?
06:39It's...
06:40He's going to recruit the Pet Shop Boys.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Well, I mean, basically what Russia wants is what Trump is going for.
06:46Yeah, his latest plan is just tell Zelensky, you know, man up.
06:50Yeah, man up.
06:51He's going to stop supporting Ukraine, describing Europe as weak.
06:54Oh, yeah.
06:55Decaying, ruled by leaders who are real stupid.
06:58Yeah.
06:59All part of Trump's charm offensive.
07:00He's tried the charm, now he's just being offensive.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:04Have you got the footage of him making his speech in Pennsylvania,
07:06where he made a rather strange admission?
07:08Yes, I believe we have.
07:10Yeah.
07:11For minors.
07:12Do we love minors?
07:13I love minors.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:16Also this week, Donald Trump presented medals to stars of entertainment,
07:23including Sylvester Stallone and the disco queen Gloria Gaynor.
07:27At first I was afraid, I was petrified, said Sly about his facelift.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33He didn't look as bad as that in the Rocky films when he was beaten for 15 rounds.
07:40Dear, oh, dear.
07:41Dear, oh, dear.
07:42Yeah.
07:43This is the World Cup draw and the surprise awarding of the FIFA Peace Prize to Donald Trump.
07:49Meanwhile, in Oslo, the Nobel Prize for League Two Manager of the Month went to Oldham Athletic's Mickey Mellon.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55At the ceremony, FIFA president Gianni Infantino declared,
07:59football is the language of love.
08:01Clearly a man's never been to a Millwall game.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04One of Scotland's games will kick off at 2am, leading Scotland manager Steve Clarke to say,
08:10it's maybe a little bit more difficult for the kids.
08:12Not really, they'll all have sobered up by the time school's started.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16Under a new Trump plan, tourists to the US will have to reveal their last five years
08:21of social media activity.
08:23It looks like it's Guantanamo for Gary Lineker.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:27Ian and Phil, here's yours.
08:30Trying to get Signal in central London.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33That's me preparing for tonight.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36My dad meeting my girlfriend's dead.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:40That's your cat.
08:42His GP's just cancelled his appointment.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:48I didn't know what that cat was doing.
08:52It was doing something rhythmical, repetitive.
08:54But what was it doing?
08:55Leave it.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58LAUGHTER
09:03Keir Starmer has just started a TikTok account.
09:07Yes, he has.
09:08So TikTok's over.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11It's official.
09:12But the weird thing is, the rest of the government aren't allowed to be on TikTok.
09:16Because it's Chinese-owned.
09:18Mm.
09:19But that doesn't occur to him.
09:21He's got a burner.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:25The Chinese are so good at spying.
09:27I'm not even a comedian, I'm just here to keep tabs on Ian.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:31Shall we have a look at our leader's TikTok clip?
09:34Yes.
09:35Let's.
09:36TikTok following.
09:37Now it's Christmas time.
09:40Three, two, one.
09:43Yes, Andy.
09:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:48What a huge amount of fun.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:52Was that it?
09:54Was that it?
09:56Yeah, but he turned the lights on and nothing went wrong.
09:58That's a big government hit.
10:00Even I, pensioner, no, that wasn't doing it.
10:05Do you TikTok?
10:07No.
10:08Oh.
10:09But if I did, I'd be a bloody sight better than that.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12It's absolutely threadbare.
10:13Who else is hoping to communicate with their legions of fans
10:17without having to go through the mainstream media?
10:20Is this Nigel Farage?
10:22It's Liz Truss.
10:23Oh, Liz Truss!
10:24She's got a new channel.
10:25She's opening up new talk markets.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:30Yes.
10:31Martin, that joke is a disgrace.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:38I'll own it.
10:39Let's have a look at her on YouTube, shall we?
10:41Ladies and gentlemen,
10:43welcome to the home of the counter-revolution.
10:46Welcome to the Liz Truss Show.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51We're two months away from Boris Johnson on OnlyFans, aren't we?
10:54LAUGHTER
10:58This is getting ridiculous.
11:00Oh, it was the pull on that shot, the pull back.
11:03There's a cameraman realising who she is and running away.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07At one point, she described a broken Britain
11:10where people are pulling their own teeth out.
11:13And thanks to her new show, they started tearing their ears off as well.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18She says all kinds of weird stuff in this show.
11:20She says at one point that everyone in Britain is marrying their cousin.
11:24But I think that's just because she was an MP for Norfolk.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:29Oh, boy.
11:30Oh, boy!
11:31You'd be taking that backwards how I live in Norfolk.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Wait, her cousin hears about that.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:37The first bit of the show was her explaining how she didn't crash the economy.
11:43Yes.
11:44Yeah.
11:45And, again, she tried to take legal action against Keir Starmer,
11:48who said, you know, you crashed the economy,
11:51and she issued through her lawyers a cease and desist letter.
11:54Yeah.
11:55Which he read out and got big laughs in the comments.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59And also, on a fashion note,
12:01she's still wearing that strange necklace that's a gold circle
12:04that I think is actually like her on-off switch.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:09What's happening to Nigel Farage?
12:12He's being investigated.
12:13He's being probed.
12:14Yeah.
12:15I didn't know that bit.
12:16Yeah.
12:17Election.
12:18Spending more money than they're allowed.
12:20But he's denying it.
12:21And it's a former member of his own team.
12:23That's right.
12:24Rich as ever.
12:25Yeah.
12:26He's claiming that the local expenses were declared as national
12:28campaign expenses, such as banners, T-shirts,
12:31a reform-themed bar in the campaign office
12:34and an armoured vehicle.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:36How do you make a bar reform-themed?
12:38There's only pale ale available.
12:40LAUGHTER
12:45Who's been interrogating Rachel Reeves about the budget this week?
12:48Bank Puss.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50Oh, the Parliamentary Finance Committee.
12:53Yeah, Bank Puss is on it.
12:54Yes.
12:55Being asked about the...
12:56What led up to the budget?
12:58Is she responsible?
12:59She said the budget leaks were damaging and unacceptable.
13:03What about the budget?
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06I don't know what you're all thinking.
13:08What does Tony Blackburn think about the Commons Treasury
13:10Committee leak inquiry?
13:11What does he think?
13:12What does he think?
13:13He says, why is the government having a leak inquiry?
13:15I think they're delicious.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:18There's not a single leak in that picture.
13:21LAUGHTER
13:23Who did Keir Starmer say he was missing?
13:25His mummy.
13:26Angela Rayner.
13:27It was Angela.
13:29Yeah, yeah.
13:30And then he was asked in interview, will she be back?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33To which he replied, yes, she's hugely talented.
13:36Someone's got to be.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:38Was she giving him a wedgie when he said that?
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41According to the i-newspaper, who's the most popular choice
13:44with the grannies?
13:45Wes Streeting.
13:46Do we know how Angela Rayner really feels about Wes Streeting?
13:50Yes, we do, yeah.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53They were suggesting the two of them are going to work together.
13:57Yes.
13:58Because Wes Streeting is sort of on the right of the Labour Party
14:00and she's on the left.
14:02So they'd be happy working together.
14:04They've got a nickname, the duo.
14:06Wangela.
14:07Wangela.
14:08Wangela.
14:09Is that your drag name?
14:10LAUGHTER
14:11Ian and I could be Wangslop.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15Here we come.
14:16Here we come.
14:17Sounds like a disease that affects cattle.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Yeah, this is the news that Keir Starmer now has a TikTok channel.
14:25There may be security concerns over Starmer's use of Chinese-owned TikTok
14:29but his advisers insist it's vital to woo young folk,
14:33which, coincidentally, is the name of China's top spy.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:39TikTok operates on a sophisticated algorithm,
14:42so if you do follow Keir Starmer,
14:44you soon will also be sent videos of lemmings jumping off cliffs
14:47and paint drying.
14:49LAUGHTER
14:51And so, wait for it.
14:52Yeah.
14:53We move to round two.
14:54Ooh!
14:55The advent calendar of news.
14:57Look at that bad boy, eh?
14:59Beautiful.
15:00Ian, would you like to be the first to pick a number?
15:03Yes, I'd like to pick number 16.
15:06Ooh, cheeky.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09Why is that cheeky?
15:11LAUGHTER
15:14Oh, this is a survey about monogamy in the animal kingdom.
15:24Mm.
15:25And it turns out that human beings are pretty monogamous,
15:28but we're more...
15:29more monogamous than most other species.
15:32That's right.
15:33And that's very encouraging.
15:34Yeah.
15:35We're like number seven or something.
15:37But...
15:38That's not bad.
15:39Yeah.
15:40If they left Boris Johnson out of the numbers,
15:41we'd be number two, I guess.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:47And meerkats.
15:48Meerkats aren't monogamous.
15:49They're always comparing things, aren't they?
15:51They're never really cool.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53Just a better deal out there.
15:55Do you know which animal was ranked the most faithful?
15:58Beavers.
15:59Leave it.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:06No.
16:07It's the California deer mouse.
16:09Let's have a look at this fellow.
16:10Look.
16:11Aww.
16:12You wouldn't cheat on him, would you?
16:13No.
16:14He's nice.
16:15It's like one of those few animals that comes with its own
16:17carrying handle.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:21He's got big ears, hasn't he?
16:23Mm-hm.
16:24Leave it.
16:25Number one...
16:26LAUGHTER
16:31At the other end of the scale,
16:33which animal puts it about the most?
16:36Chimpanzees.
16:37No.
16:38Dolphins, baboons, killer whales, black bears are all in the
16:40bottom ten, but in the last position is Scotland's
16:43so a sheep.
16:44Oh, there he is.
16:45Oh, wow.
16:46Oh, my son!
16:47So, where were you last night?
16:50LAUGHTER
16:55He'd literally been dragged to a hedge pack.
16:58LAUGHTER
17:00If you do it right.
17:01Um...
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03Where did...
17:04Leave it!
17:05CHEERING
17:07Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University explained
17:10humans' relatively low monogamy rating.
17:12He told The Guardian,
17:13Humans desire polygamy but are constrained into a grudging form
17:17of monogamy.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:19He'd probably be pleased with that.
17:20Exactly.
17:21Yeah.
17:22In related news, what profession is most likely to have an affair?
17:26Plumbers.
17:27According to a website from illicitcans.com.
17:29Milkman?
17:30Postman.
17:31Postman?
17:32Yeah, absolutely.
17:33Yeah.
17:34That's your first-class mail, love.
17:35Yeah.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37Will this fit in your letterbox?
17:38It's all there.
17:39I've got a package for you.
17:40Yeah, exactly.
17:41It's all there.
17:42Oh, my God!
17:43Oh, damn!
17:44LAUGHTER
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47Do you want a stamp on it?
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50It's all there.
17:51Panto was brought to you.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Exactly.
17:55Although, gardeners, window cleaners, estate agents and bin men
17:59also appear in the top ten.
18:00Bin men?
18:01What the heck?
18:02What's happened to Britain's acting community?
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05Used to be right up there.
18:06Leave it.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:10Paul, would you like to pick a number?
18:12Yes, I'll pick number two.
18:13Actually, no, I'll make it number 24.
18:15No, no, sorry, I'll go 15.
18:16OK.
18:17Cos it'll all be the same story anyway.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20And the door doesn't even open.
18:22It does, look, it's a drawer.
18:23Oh, it's a drawer.
18:24Oh, it's a drawer, I see.
18:25Fantastic.
18:26And in there is your question.
18:27Yeah, what's it say?
18:28It says...
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32Well, this is trains, isn't it?
18:36The British Rail are painting their trains different colours,
18:38I think.
18:39This is a new, sort of, like, insignia or a logo,
18:41or whatever you want to call it.
18:42Livery?
18:43Livery, yeah, livery.
18:44Haven't they painted red, white and blue on the back of them?
18:47Oh, yeah.
18:48Oh, there's the colour.
18:49That's cheery.
18:50Oh, my gosh!
18:51Good to see GB News branching out.
18:52Yeah.
18:53I can't believe they're wasting money like this.
18:55Yeah.
18:56The branding was designed in-house at the Department for Transport.
18:59How did Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander describe the project?
19:02It's nothing to do with me.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05I'm sorry it's late.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Here's Heidi with news of the train.
19:10There we go.
19:11Got one with her.
19:12She's a very big woman, isn't she?
19:13Yeah.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15Is this what HS2 is now?
19:18Heidi's just going to throw us across the table.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21Well, the livery hasn't exactly been received too well.
19:23The co-founder of the design museum, Stephen Bailey, shared his thoughts.
19:28It's atrocious.
19:29It's a mad dog's breakfast.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:31He went on to describe it as a national disgrace, a visual mess, a nursery school project and
19:36an abomination.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:38Embarrassing, vulgar, feeble...
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41Careless, clumsy, unintelligent, uncoordinated and an explicit rejection of excellence.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48That clears that up.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51In other news, what's agitating the residents of Sheringham in Norfolk?
19:56Is that near you?
19:57Have they got a station?
19:58Is it going to be closed?
20:00No, the council want to demolish a bus stop, which dates from the 1950s, and replace it
20:04with a more modern structure, but locals aren't having it.
20:07Here's a post from the local Facebook page.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:11It says, does anyone know if Roger's still tied to the bus stop?
20:16I tied him up at 7.45am.
20:18After protesters had occupied the site and refused to leave for nine days, the council
20:24held an emergency vote on the demolition and the bus stop has been saved!
20:28Yay!
20:29Yes!
20:30So...
20:31It was a bus stop, but why do they have a picture of a train in there?
20:34That's kind of confusing.
20:36Because of the replacement bus ratio.
20:39So if the bus doesn't turn up, there's a replacement train?
20:41Yep.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:44And if the train doesn't turn up, there's a private jet.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48And of all those fails, you can get on the bike and go to where you want to go.
20:51Yeah.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53Janet, would you like to pick a number?
20:56Doesn't matter what you pick.
20:57Shh!
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59They're ruining everyone's Christmas porn.
21:02All right, six.
21:03Six?
21:04Hey, six.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06Oh, yes.
21:07Liverpudlians love gravy.
21:08Yeah.
21:09And there are four of the most famous Liverpudlians.
21:10And they all loved gravy.
21:11There they are.
21:12How do we know that, Paul?
21:13Well, there's a picture of them holding gravy boats, look.
21:14Look, the gravy boat's going the wrong way in George's hands.
21:15What way should a gravy boat go?
21:16Well, nobody ever holds a gravy boat turning outwards, do they?
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20George Harrison did?
21:21Yeah.
21:22See, John Lennon keeps filling up George Harrison's gravy boat.
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25I don't like gravy, you're getting it anyway.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28Did you ever drink the gravy straight from the gravy boat when you were little?
21:30I used to take the gravy cubes, put them in my mouth and then put some water in.
21:31Oh, you're just showing off about how poor you were.
21:32A gravy boat.
21:33Oh, I mean, OK, we couldn't afford water.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35So the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast-loving Brits which were...
21:46..of the gravy boat, the gravy boats, the gravy boats, the gravy boats, the gravy boats,
21:50the gravy boats, the gravy boats...
21:52Oh, you're just showing off about how poor you were.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:56A gravy boat.
21:57OK, we couldn't afford water.
22:00So, the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast-loving Brits
22:04which found that in Liverpool, 73% say that gravy is the most vital ingredient.
22:09Yeah. Not the meat. You're having Sunday lunch and you're saying
22:12the gravy is more important than the meat or anything else.
22:15If you live in Liverpool. You know what they would like? Soup.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:25I think they're eating the wrong meal.
22:28Do you want to hear a joke about two Scousers in a supermarket?
22:31Hey, have you heard there's been a fire at Sayno's?
22:34Has there? No, Sayno's.
22:39Back to gravy. They've developed a handy chart which you can use to decide
22:43how you like your gravy. The gravy grid, not unlike the Bristol stool chart.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:50Oh, why did you have to say that?
22:52Paul, are you thick or very thick?
22:54Medium thick. I'd go for sort of like the 3C.
22:57I'm definitely a 4D.
22:59Most Brits voted for 5B, which is medium brown and medium thick.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:08If anybody wants to pick a joke up there, they're welcome.
23:11In other news, wherever large quantity of bananas turned up recently...
23:14Oh, yeah, they've been washed up.
23:16There you go. Oh.
23:17According to the Telegraph, locals treated it as a free-for-all,
23:20but one local resident, John Screech, who's usually on the beach stealing chips, said...
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26They've all gone black.
23:28The beach looks like it's covered in dog poo.
23:30Which, of course, it actually is.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:34This is the news that Liverpool is the gravy capital of the UK.
23:37One newspaper printed Asda's handy gravy grid.
23:40That's the same grid they use on Strictly for the shade of fake tan.
23:43Goes from A1, the palest, all the way down to D6, or Claudia Winkleman.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Time now for the odd one-out round.
23:50Just one between you this week.
23:52Your four are a man at a steakhouse in Devon, an arrested shopper in Auckland,
23:58protesters at the Tower of London and the old lady who swallowed a fly.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02I think this is about people eating things.
24:05Mm-hm.
24:06And the odd one-out is the protester, because she threw apple crumble
24:09at the Crown Jewels as a protest against the establishment and the state.
24:13Do you know anything about the man who's arrested?
24:15I guess he ate something he wasn't meant to eat, maybe?
24:18Yeah.
24:19He stole something and ate it.
24:20So, she's the odd one out.
24:21Yeah, they've all eaten something they shouldn't, except for the
24:23protesters at the Tower of London who threw something meant for eating.
24:26Wasn't there a man who swallowed a leaf and then he got arrested
24:31when he coughed it out for littering this week?
24:34Oh, did that happen this week?
24:36Oh, yes, I did hear that.
24:37Yeah, it was in the news.
24:38Yeah.
24:39It's not important.
24:40A man...
24:41A man...
24:42A man swallowed a leaf.
24:43Yeah.
24:44And coughed it up.
24:45Yeah.
24:46And was accused of littering.
24:47Yeah.
24:48Cos the leaf fell on the ground.
24:49Yeah.
24:50Can you find the headline?
24:55Just to make it clear I'm not making this up.
24:59I'm just asking the producers.
25:00Of the Leaf Man?
25:01Of the Leaf Man.
25:02Cos otherwise it looks as though I'm completely mad.
25:05In the meantime, I'm going to plough on.
25:07Yeah, go on.
25:08You're right.
25:09The group called Take Back Power, they threw crumble and custard at the crown jewels.
25:13According to the Telegraph, one guard approached the protesters saying,
25:17Excuse me.
25:18Excuse me.
25:19He's now been made head of security for the loop.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22And they did it to force the ultra-rich to pay more tax.
25:29We're not sure if it worked, so more on that story later.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:34The group, they do have a bit of previous.
25:36What other stunts have some of its supporters pulled?
25:38Pavlova at Big Ben.
25:40Yeah.
25:41According to the Telegraph, they're protesting at a Quaker meeting house.
25:45They presumably threw oats.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:50Silent protest.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53The man in Cattlemen's Steakhouse in...
25:55Yeah.
25:56What did he do that he shouldn't have done?
25:58He ordered too much.
25:59I mean, that's a huge bit of steak.
26:00Yeah.
26:01Was there, like, a challenge?
26:02Yeah, steak challenge.
26:03He ate too much steak.
26:04Rhys Chadfield took on their eating challenge involving two kilograms
26:07of steak.
26:08Oh.
26:09Two days later, Rhys had to be taken to hospital where they said
26:11he'd eaten so much that his stomach had stopped digesting food.
26:14Oh!
26:15When asked how common an injury this was, doctors replied,
26:18medium-rare.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:24The Cattlemen's Steakhouse would like us to point out that their food
26:27wasn't responsible for the mistake, although next time Rhys goes there,
26:31Miss Steak would be good advice to follow.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35The other fella...
26:36Yeah.
26:37What did he eat, do you think, at a jewellery shop in Auckland?
26:40It...
26:41It shocked everyone.
26:42Diamond ring.
26:43Er, engraved cufflinks.
26:44Hiya.
26:45Engraved cufflinks!
26:46LAUGHTER
26:51It was a Fabergé egg worth £14,250.
26:55Oh, yeah.
26:56And they are waiting for it to pass through.
26:58Yeah.
26:59A policeman said an officer was assigned to spend six days
27:02monitoring every bowel movement...
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04..until finally the egg was laid.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07If that didn't work, they were going to rely on the long arm
27:10of the law.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:13Here is the Fabergé egg after it was passed through the thief's
27:16anus.
27:17Oh!
27:18With the price tag still on it, which that cleaned up nicely,
27:21didn't it?
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23How are they getting on with the story about the man that swallowed
27:26a leaf and...
27:27Have we heard?
27:28Have we heard?
27:29No.
27:30They've all eaten something that they shouldn't have, except the
27:33protesters at the Tower of London who threw something meant for
27:35eating.
27:36According to one newspaper, activists were seen smearing custard over
27:40the crown jewels.
27:41Coincidentally, one of the accusations levelled at Greg Wallace.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:47Reece Chadfield was hospitalised after competing in back-to-back
27:50eating challenges, including a two-kilogram steak.
27:53Doctors revealed Reece had a temperature of 39 degrees and his
27:57blood group was peppercorn sores.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00And it's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week
28:03features, as its guest publication, the newsletter of the
28:06British Leafy Salads Association.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10This month's guest editor yet again, Liz Truss.
28:12Yeah.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:14We start with...
28:15Clubbers, surprised by what?
28:17Showing up at a rave.
28:18Oh, this is Michael Gove.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22Bar the Christmas.
28:23Oh, I know this one.
28:24Go on, then.
28:25Baby Seal.
28:26Oh...
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29There we are.
28:30Satan.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:32Well...
28:33The Devil Incarnate.
28:34Beelzebub.
28:35No, stop.
28:36Stop.
28:37Giles Brandreth.
28:38Just stop.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40It's the Pope.
28:41Hey!
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44Here is the Pope's appearance at the rave in Slovakia.
28:48And may the blessing of Almighty God, the Father and the Son
28:52and the Holy Spirit come upon you and remain with you always.
28:56Amen.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:58According to Classic FM, the rave was part of an attempt to bridge the gap between the Catholic Church and young people.
29:15Most of the previous efforts were just plain illegal.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:19APPLAUSE
29:21Next, what found hiding in nativity scene?
29:27This is...
29:28Jeffrey Epstein.
29:29An elite...
29:30LAUGHTER
29:31I know.
29:32No.
29:33An asylum seeker.
29:34Yeah.
29:35He was part of a nativity tableau.
29:36Man on the run found hiding in a nativity scene.
29:39A Ghanaian migrant on the run from police attempted to evade capture by hiding in a nativity scene in Italy.
29:45See if you can spot him.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:49I would like to thank the director for Zooming in because I couldn't make it out.
29:55LAUGHTER
29:56Next, what is one of the most eagerly anticipated events in the British Leafy Salads Association calendar?
30:03Meat day.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:08Is it cosplay?
30:10Oh!
30:11APPLAUSE
30:12That's it.
30:13Nice.
30:15It's the Brassica and Leafy Salad Conference.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:20Finally.
30:21Man teaches octopus what in just six months?
30:25French.
30:26The true meaning of Christmas.
30:28The offside rule.
30:30It's to play the piano.
30:32Oh!
30:33No!
30:34Let's have a look.
30:41You have a big range, Tiger.
30:44He's like Rashmani, no.
30:46I believe in the story more if you were telling me the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:03Well, I completely disagree. I thought that was beautiful.
31:07Yeah.
31:08Lovely.
31:09Yeah.
31:10This was a Swedish musician who rescued the live octopus from a fish market where it was set to be killed and taught it how to play jazz piano.
31:17No, he didn't!
31:18The RSPCA stepped in arguing it was more humane to let it die.
31:23LAUGHTER
31:25So, the final scores are...
31:27This is interesting.
31:28Janet and Paul have leapt ahead with six points, leaving Ian and Phil languishing with five.
31:33LAUGHTER
31:35Well done.
31:36Well done.
31:37Well done.
31:38But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
31:42Don't look now, but it's an octopus playing jazz piano.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:47On which note?
31:48Yeah.
31:49LAUGHTER
31:50Hang on.
31:51We can't go, yeah, we want about the leaf man.
31:53Yeah, come on, leaf man.
31:54We want leaf man.
31:55Yeah.
31:56There you are.
31:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:59It says on the corner crated by AI.
32:04LAUGHTER
32:06Artificial Ian.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:09On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street Porter.
32:15And I leave you with news that in California, Elon Musk's plan to live forever as an AI-driven humanoid needs a little bit more work.
32:23LAUGHTER
32:25At a party in Chelsea, two people powerfully attracted to each other agree to ditch the gooseberry and find somewhere more intimate.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:35The divisions continue in your party as Jeremy Corbyn unveils his new nickname for Zara Sultana.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:45In Glasgow, one nana in the crowd at the football realises too late that she's left her special cushion at home.
32:51LAUGHTER
32:56And in London, there are awkward scenes at an office Christmas party where demoralised staff are forced to join their boss in doing the conga.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:09Good night.
33:10APPLAUSE
33:11Looking for something to believe in?
33:24Try a new drama, The War Between the Land and the Sea.
33:27It's on BBC iPlayer.
33:29And less plausible but equally as enjoyable, Mammoth is back with a new series and that's also on BBC iPlayer.
33:36APPLAUSE
33:38APPLAUSE
33:41THEY RELATED
33:43Eneed
33:44Eneed
33:45Eneed
33:46Eneed
33:50звучん
33:52Eneed
33:54Eneed
33:57Eneed
33:59Eneed
34:01Eneed
34:01Eneed
34:02Eneed
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