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00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hi! Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davis and I've got beef.
00:39I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork and I've got chicken.
00:42Who wants chicken?
00:44He'll give me five...
00:45Chicken...
00:47Chicken...
00:51Welcome to Taskmaster. Expect the unexpected.
00:54But also expect the following people.
00:56They are...
00:57Anya Magliano!
01:00Maisie Adam!
01:02Phil Ellis!
01:04Rhys Shearsmith!
01:07And Sanji Bhaskar!
01:12And next to me, a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,
01:16I am in and out of like a sewing machine.
01:24This is not a time!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:29Hello, everyone.
01:30I have to deal with the correspondence.
01:32Wow!
01:33So many questions this week.
01:34So let's have some frequently asked questions to little Alex Horne.
01:38FAQs!
01:40For the L-A-H!
01:42FAQs to the L-A-H!
01:43Yeah, the FAQs!
01:45For the L-A-H!
01:47OK, so we've got a question...
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50Yeah, from Jeremy.
01:51I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.
01:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:55OK.
01:56Question here from Jeremy in Egypt, who says...
01:59Did you do anything special for dinner last night, Alex?
02:01And I did, Jeremy.
02:02I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...
02:06Stir fry!
02:07I had stir fry for dinner.
02:08Next...
02:09Next question.
02:10FAQ!
02:12For the L-A-H!
02:14Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.
02:16He says, did you have the...
02:18Ooh, he already heard my answer.
02:19Did you have the stir fry with anyone?
02:21And I did.
02:22I had it with Annika Rice.
02:23With special fried rice!
02:24LAUGHTER
02:30With your writing.
02:31I've written 20 series, and that was the worst start of...
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35Right, let us begin with the proceedings.
02:38Off we go!
02:39It's prize task time, and the category is...
02:44..that retains its credibility when you talk about it
02:46in a high-pitched voice.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:51Respectability and credibility in the face of high-frequency soliloquies.
02:54It's as simple as that, guys.
02:56Five points for the best one, and all five items
02:58will still go home with the episode winner.
03:01Maisie, what is your respected item?
03:04Well, I've bought in...
03:08This is the task, no?
03:09OK.
03:10Do you want me to...
03:11Yeah.
03:12Do you want me to go high as well?
03:13Er...
03:14Well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17Maybe I go deep.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20Didn't like the eye contact when you said...
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24Maybe I go deep.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:29Erm, so I've brought in a wonderful and authentic,
03:32er, signed photo of Aled Jones.
03:35Here it is.
03:36Erm...
03:37APPLAUSE
03:42Obviously, he's most well-known for the Walking in the Air song,
03:45which is pretty much up here.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Is he credible, Aled?
03:51Credible?
03:52Yeah.
03:53He's a national treasure.
03:55He didn't sing the one in the film, though.
03:57He re-recorded it.
03:58Yeah, well, less about that.
03:59I don't want to say that.
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01Oh, my God.
04:02Someone's lost their credibility.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05Well, erm, you know, from previous episodes,
04:09what my attitude to this show has been.
04:12It can be summed up...
04:13It can be summed up by,
04:14I've got an OBE, why am I here?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:18So, er, in that vein, let me show you, it's a book.
04:23Look!
04:25It's puppies and...
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29What?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31And on the back, just to kind of help it...
04:35Sorry.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Look, look, look at the little one down there.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I feel a lot better now.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44You are off the hook, my friend.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up,
04:49and I'm going,
04:50oh, oh, it's so credible.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54You've brought some terrible price dust in,
04:56but this is a new rug.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59Here.
05:00Hello.
05:01What have you brought in that I will respect?
05:03I've made a rug.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:08She genuinely did make that.
05:09APPLAUSE
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13Model on a specific boot store, is that right?
05:15Piccadilly Circus.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:19I think it's an incredible shop.
05:21Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?
05:23Well, I wouldn't know about that.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27We get it.
05:28We get it, you're young.
05:31APPLAUSE
05:33What I will say is that I think, in this society that we live in,
05:37it's become quite a godless state.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42Something has filled the gap of church and I think it's Boots.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51Phil.
05:52I've brought in...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55..my nana's headstone.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00APPLAUSE
06:05APPLAUSE
06:07Yeah.
06:08Yes, he has.
06:09I mean, obviously, this is not her real gravestone, but...
06:11Well, my dad had never got one.
06:13So I thought I'd get one.
06:16What, they just tossed her in a hole?
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,
06:22that's a bit deeper than normal, and my auntie went,
06:24yeah, I've asked them to go deeper so I can go in on top of her.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:31So my auntie is buried on top of my nana with the two chihuahuas.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?
06:38It's true!
06:40And we're fine with there being a picture of Winston Churchill on the...
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance until you mentioned it yet?
06:48LAUGHTER
06:53Incredible film.
06:55Um, Rhys?
06:56Yes, well, I began, not doing the voice for now,
06:58but I began thinking what was a respectable item,
07:02so I proceeded to create a one-off, limited-edition,
07:07commemorative plate for the coronation of the King Charles
07:11and the Queen Consort, Camilla.
07:13Beautiful.
07:14Oh!
07:18And then I thought, well, who better to voice in a high-pitched manner this?
07:22So I asked Joe Pasquale.
07:26Who better?
07:27Yeah.
07:28This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate
07:30features two detailed portraits of King Charles III and Queen Camilla
07:34wearing their magnificent crowns,
07:36perfect for serving of sandwiches on a big pile of rich teas.
07:40Hmm.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42And this is almost impossible to score.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52OK.
07:53One point to Sanjeev.
07:54One point to Sanjeev, OK.
07:55I'm going to give two points to Maisie.
07:56OK.
07:57I'm going to give Anya and Rhys four points.
08:00Four to Anya.
08:01Four to Rhys.
08:02And I'm using this task to give Hetty the respect she was not afforded
08:06by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground.
08:09And these five points are for Hetty.
08:10There we go.
08:11Well done for Willis.
08:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get tasking.
08:17Here we go.
08:18And lucky us.
08:19It's time to get trollied.
08:21Mmm.
08:34Maisie.
08:35How are you?
08:36Really good.
08:38Hello.
08:41OK.
08:43Trolley?
08:44Yeah, it's a nice trolley.
08:47Right.
08:49Ahem.
08:57You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line.
09:00Is that the start line up there?
09:01Yeah, that's the start line, yeah.
09:02OK.
09:03The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins.
09:05As well as bricks, all the contents of one of these bins
09:09must be part of your tower but nothing else.
09:13You may only look inside the bins once and only for as long as you can scream.
09:19You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.
09:22You have a total of ten minutes and three attempts during which you must also scream.
09:28Your time starts when Alex screams.
09:33OK.
09:40So...
09:41Ah!
09:42Ah!
09:43Ah!
09:44Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:46Ah!
09:47Ah!
09:48Build a tower of bricks on this trolley.
09:49Where are all the other bricks?
09:50Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:52Ah!
10:00Well, there was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.
10:03Um, Alex's screaming in particular, er, was disturbing.
10:07Never done it before.
10:08Yeah.
10:09Love to scream.
10:10Give it a go.
10:11Ah!
10:12All right.
10:14I'm ready.
10:15Here we go.
10:16Right.
10:17First, to attack the stack, are Anya and let's have Phil.
10:21Boop!
10:22Let's start screaming.
10:23SCREAMING
10:24Screaming for the whole time.
10:25For the whole time.
10:26AHHHHعم!.
10:28Oh!
10:30Oh!
10:32Oh!
10:34Oh, baby!
10:36Oh!
10:38Oh!
10:40Oh!
10:42Oh!
10:44Oh!
10:46Oh!
10:48No!
10:50I didn't actually see what that was.
10:52And I think I did a little wee
10:54from screaming so hard.
10:56Oh!
11:00Lovely stuff.
11:02I've forgotten what was in the bins. Yeah.
11:04Kettle? That said cement.
11:06There's no point with cement
11:08because I don't really have time to mix it.
11:10I'm going to go with cement.
11:12OK.
11:14Oh, my God, it's actually like I get to make it.
11:16OK, well, should I build it up there then, maybe?
11:19If you want. Do you want me to bring any bricks or not?
11:22Yes, please. How many? All of them.
11:24Well...
11:26I'm going to go for the top cap bin.
11:28Oh, this is bullshit!
11:30HE LAUGHS
11:32Oh!
11:33OK, now we're talking.
11:35Oh!
11:37Oh!
11:39Er...
11:40This isn't cement.
11:43That's flour, by the way.
11:45Yeah, don't taste everything.
11:55So these are really useful, cos look.
11:57Oh, I've got two more bricks.
11:59Yeah, you don't have to use all the bricks.
12:01Have I made a terrible error?
12:02Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes.
12:04Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well.
12:05And down the slope.
12:06I've got to get it up!
12:07Two and a half minutes.
12:08How do you turn it?
12:09How do you turn it?
12:10How do you turn it, Joey?
12:11This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl.
12:15That.
12:17Right.
12:18Bit of class.
12:19You've only got time for one go.
12:21You've got ten seconds.
12:22OK.
12:23Oh, we've got to do it during this time?
12:24Absolutely.
12:25Oh, I thought I was just waiting.
12:26Ah!
12:28Ah!
12:29Ah!
12:30Ah!
12:31Ah!
12:32Ah!
12:33Ah!
12:34Ah!
12:35Ah!
12:36Ah!
12:37Ah!
12:38Ah!
12:41Ah!
12:42Ah...
12:44Ah!
12:45Ah!
12:46Ah!
12:47Ah!
12:48Ah!
12:49Ah!
12:50Move!
12:51Move!
12:52Oh, God!
12:54I nearly killed the whole crew.
12:55It went so much worse than I thought it was going to go.
12:58It wasn't a very sturdy structure.
13:00It's only because it went off-piece.
13:04OK, thanks, Anya. Thank you.
13:11I mean, we've said it many times, crew are dispensable, right?
13:18But you both genuinely almost hurt them.
13:21Watching it back, it looks like a targeted attack.
13:25Phil's scream is full-throated like a mighty bear, I thought.
13:28Oh, thank you.
13:29You?
13:30You sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.
13:36He took me back to childhood holidays.
13:44Phil's did just about cross the line.
13:46Anya's didn't cross the line at all.
13:48And don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant
13:50and exciting as it went down?
13:52Absolutely not.
13:54OK, break time.
13:56And statistically, we will spend nearly four years of our lives
13:59watching adverts.
14:01Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.
14:04Interesting facts!
14:05APPLAUSE
14:13Hello!
14:14Welcome back to Taskmaster, where the current task involves
14:17stacking bricks on a trolley and shoving it down a hill.
14:20Yes, it's absolutely safe and almost no crew were in danger.
14:24Tallest tower past the finish line wins.
14:26Finally, then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie, Rhys and Sanjeev.
14:32Ready?
14:33No, no, the screen's finished.
14:43No, no, the screen's finished.
14:45No, no, the screen's finished.
14:47Ahhhh!
14:48Ahhhh!
14:49Ahhhh!
14:50Ahhhh!
14:51Ahhhh!
14:52Ahhhh!
14:53Ahhhh!
14:54Ahhhh!
14:55Ahhhh!
14:56Ahhhh!
14:57Ahhhh!
14:58Right.
14:59You didn't have to scream while you...
15:01Oh, I didn't have to keep screaming while she's using it.
15:03Only while looking in it.
15:04Ohhhh!
15:05Right.
15:06Oh!
15:07Shout out if you want any builders' gloves.
15:10Might be good to have builders' gloves.
15:12I've got some here for you.
15:13All right, well, go on then.
15:15This is the first time I've ever done manual labour.
15:18Ah!
15:19You can't tell.
15:22Oh!
15:23Bollocks!
15:24God's sake!
15:26What the...
15:29Ah, that...
15:30Well, you're welcome to, I suppose, but it is a camera.
15:32It is a camera.
15:33It's in there.
15:34Right.
15:35At this point, I'm going to choose this.
15:36Ah!
15:37And I'm going to...
15:39put that down there.
15:41With the apple...
15:42inside.
15:46Don't hurt your back.
15:47OK.
15:49Ready?
15:50Here we go.
15:53Ahhhh!
15:54Ahhhh!
15:58It didn't work.
15:59What's that?
16:00Oh, I am laughing.
16:01I am laughing.
16:02Ooh!
16:03Um, right, help me push it.
16:04Please.
16:05Please.
16:06Steady.
16:07Steady.
16:08OK.
16:09Right.
16:10So that tells us something.
16:11OK.
16:12Are we going up the hill?
16:13We're going to go up the hill.
16:14OK, here we go.
16:15Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.
16:16Ahhhh!
16:17Ahhhh!
16:18Ahhhh!
16:19Ahhhh!
16:20Merry Christmas!
16:23Good wish, Sanjeev!
16:25Ooo
16:29OK.
16:30Are we going up the hill?
16:31We're going to go up the hill.
16:32OK here we go.
16:33Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.
16:34رrrrrr!
16:41ARGHH!
16:45ARGHH!
16:54Very happy with that.
16:56ARGHH!
17:03Uh-oh.
17:08Nine bricks. Anybody want...
17:11A wall doing.
17:13ARGHH!
17:15ARGHH!
17:17ARGHH!
17:19ARGHH!
17:33ARGHH!
17:39You've got 30 seconds left.
17:41No, I'm happy.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Fantastic.
17:47Wow, good.
17:51I mean, that is a full-throated scream.
17:53Yeah.
17:54The drama of the final image.
17:56I mean, it might be your proudest moment.
17:57It's a shame I have to disqualify you, because so much of the flower fell off.
18:01I'm only joking.
18:02ARGHH!
18:07You didn't keep that going for long, Greg.
18:08No, I know.
18:09She was so upset.
18:10I thought she was going to...
18:11I was going to cry.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14Very impressive from Sanjeev, yet again showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2.
18:19Yeah.
18:20It was just...
18:21It was so resourceful.
18:22Well, what he did very cleverly was incorporate the camera that wasn't meant to necessarily be part of it.
18:26Into the height.
18:27And that gave him the height.
18:28Well done, Sanjeev.
18:29Well, thank you very much.
18:30Rhys, did you enjoy yourself?
18:32No.
18:33It's funny, because I, you know, throughout this whole series have pointed out that you're very close to committing an atrocity, because you're so angry.
18:40But I thought you built that beautiful, ornate brick thing, and it collapsed.
18:43Like a chimney, wouldn't it?
18:44Yeah.
18:45And all you said was,
18:46That tells us something.
18:47That tells us something.
18:48But no, I did enjoy it, and it was nice to get my hands dirty.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54Why don't you give us some statistics?
18:56Yes, well, we know that Anya failed, so I guess zero points for...
18:59Oh, God, zero.
19:00And you?
19:01OK.
19:02And you'll thank me for them.
19:03Oh, is it one?
19:04No.
19:05You didn't cross the line.
19:06It's just interesting, isn't it, because you come into this show and you believe in justice and stuff like that, and then you realise actually it's a dictatorship.
19:18Well, I've never said it isn't a dictatorship.
19:20Yeah, that's fine.
19:21I'll take my one point, thank you.
19:22No, zero points.
19:23OK.
19:25Rhys's and Maisie's very similar.
19:27Maisie's, yours was 82 centimetres tall.
19:29Rhys, yours was 77 centimetres tall.
19:31Oh.
19:32Oh.
19:33So, despite your building weight, you were second last, Rhys.
19:35Mm.
19:36Off to the way.
19:37Three points for you, Maisie, 82 centimetres.
19:39But Sanjeev's was 105 centimetres.
19:42Phil, yours was 1 metre 36, which means that Phil gets five points.
19:46Yeah, it is!
19:47APPLAUSE
19:49Let's see the scoreboard, please.
19:50Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you the series scores, with one and a half episodes to go.
19:54Sanjeev, you're in last on 117, but it's tight.
19:57Rhys, 1-2-1.
19:58Maisie, 1-2-3.
19:59Phil, 1-2-8.
20:00Anya, 1-2-9.
20:01Anyone can win it.
20:02Oh!
20:03Anyone can win it.
20:04Anyone can win it.
20:06And this episode, he's got maximum points so far.
20:09In the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis!
20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:14Very good.
20:15What's next, please, with Alex?
20:17Well, jockstrap yourself in, Greg, because we're off to the changing rooms.
20:22What's all this?
20:41This is my jockey changing room.
20:43You'd be disqualified straight away, wouldn't you?
20:45You're far too tall.
20:47Here we are.
20:48You'd make a lovely couple.
20:51Would you like him to pass it?
20:52Is it him?
20:53I'm not sure.
20:54Mmm.
20:55Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex.
21:00If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified.
21:03You may only get two readings from the scales.
21:07There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
21:10You have ten minutes.
21:12Your time starts now.
21:14This is your jockey.
21:15Right.
21:16Those are your scales.
21:17Good luck.
21:18It's got to be sexy.
21:19Doesn't have to be sexy, but if you want the bonus point.
21:21It's got to be really sexy.
21:23There are your scales.
21:24Good luck.
21:26I'm not allowed to stand with them because that counts as one,
21:27doesn't it?
21:28Because I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong,
21:29because there's no way I'm over 14 stone.
21:31OK.
21:32APPLAUSE
21:33So, Anya's jockey is going to be super sexy and Phil's fatter than he looks.
21:42Shall we have a look at them then?
21:44Well, who are we going to see first?
21:46It's a great equestrian.
21:47It's...
21:48Oh.
21:49Jesus Christ.
21:50Anya, Phil and Rhys.
21:52What are these?
21:53Are these jockey things?
21:55Is this lead?
21:56Don't eat it.
21:57Eat lead, kids.
21:59You'll have hair like mine.
22:04I like to start my characters with what the hair's like.
22:08Yeah.
22:09What hair?
22:10What are you doing up my mountain?
22:11Dice things first.
22:13Fatter!
22:14I can't do sausage!
22:15She's Austrian.
22:16I'm going Eastern European with this.
22:19Lovely.
22:21Pretty sexy.
22:24That's not hair, that's the eyelashes.
22:28Do you know what?
22:29Scale, please.
22:30OK.
22:31Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are?
22:33You can try.
22:34Front's probably better, isn't it?
22:36I don't mind.
22:37One, two, three.
22:40Oh, great.
22:41Go that way.
22:44OK, I'm happy with that.
22:46I'm going to say you're just over 14.
22:4914, four.
22:50OK.
22:51Ooh.
22:52What do you mean?
22:5314 stone.
22:54Nearly 15, in a way.
22:550.9.
22:56I think that's 0.09.
22:57Oh.
22:59Well, that's not 14 stone.
23:00Got to be a lot more on this.
23:02In you go, darling.
23:03Sexy, sexy.
23:05Sexy space lady.
23:07May I hide the display?
23:08You don't want to get the reading yet?
23:09No.
23:11I can't see through the mouth.
23:12Promise?
23:13Yeah.
23:14Yeah, that's crowded.
23:15Going on.
23:19Oh, fuck.
23:20What does it say?
23:21Two stone.
23:22Three stone.
23:23You've got three and a half minutes.
23:24That can't be three stone.
23:25Second reading.
23:26Yep.
23:27Four stone.
23:28You've got about a minute and a half.
23:29Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy.
23:30Now, will you?
23:31Oh.
23:32Beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:33Every man's dream.
23:34Stop.
23:35Stop.
23:36Stop.
23:37Stop.
23:38Stop.
23:39Stop.
23:40Do you help me?
23:41Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
23:42Oh, fuck it.
23:43Now, that can't be the real way.
23:44Let's get some out.
23:45Three seconds.
23:46How long?
23:47Please leave her or him alone.
23:48Okay.
23:49And then she can have some of my lipstick.
23:51Oh.
23:52Oh.
23:53Oh.
23:54Beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:55Every man's dream.
23:56Stop.
23:57Stop.
23:58Stop.
23:59Do you help me?
24:00Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
24:03Oh, fuck it.
24:04Now, that can't be the real way.
24:06Let's get some out.
24:09Three seconds.
24:10how long please leave her or him alone okay and then she could have some of my
24:18lipstick
24:20well I think you should go wash your hands yeah don't lick them no look after
24:28yourself kids stuff out there in the big city
24:30good girl
24:33does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down his pants are
24:46full of 11 stone of that that was a miscalculation I thought the pants would
24:53keep everything in place but they came down it looked like someone that would
24:56just capture themselves
24:59both were almost identical yeah we've got a type yeah
25:05Scandinavian sausage girl we must be thinking like what's Greg gonna find
25:11sexy yes and so it's with you in mind yeah yeah it's a girl with pigtails and
25:17sausages you always form a weird relationship with inanimate objects
25:23yeah I did get quite attached to the character she was leaving the mountain
25:28that she grew up on to join NASA she was often when you put the silver
25:34trousers on you said now you are future sexy time for a break I'm not sure who
25:42said this but I think it's something that's relevant to this show from such
25:46crooked wood as that which man is made of nothing straight can be fashioned
25:53and we're having some sexy time yes yes that's right things are pretty flipping hot as they're
26:13trying to make a jockey weigh the same as me with a bonus point for the sexiest jockey
26:19finally then it's Sanjeev and Maisie
26:23right so sexy you want sexy just one point for sexy yep the primary concern is is the weight
26:31isn't it okay right well first of all that's sexy isn't it that that's hard work though
26:37feather boa they're always sexy I think you should go on there first I'm going on Sanjeev okay I'm on
26:4313 stone 13 okay Alex could you come stand on him what do you mean just stop him from
26:53wibbling over I'll stop him from wibbling
26:55all right buckle heavy so far ah sexy police officer
27:18okay knee pads sexy because they suggest you're going to be on your knees
27:25So, at the moment, the hockey is three stone, nine pounds.
27:32Now, I don't want to be disqualified on a technicality,
27:37but what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:40Does that count?
27:42I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:45I think I'll be over then, because if I'm 12, 13, 14,
27:48then that'll be about 15, which will be too much.
27:51Let's see if I... Let's see if that is...
27:59So, you're basically taking a bit of a risk here.
28:01I am taking a bit of a risk.
28:03I think Greg's always wanted to be blonde, don't you?
28:11Does that look like me?
28:18Are you saying you've become one with the jockey?
28:20I have. We are one.
28:22You're one, are you?
28:23Yes.
28:24Fantastic.
28:25That is your time up.
28:26Great.
28:28I'm pretty turned on.
28:29I don't know about anyone else.
28:36Well, let's talk this through, Sanjeev.
28:38How are we going to get away with me allowing this?
28:41You just got on the scales with the mannequin.
28:44I asked.
28:45I said, would this be breaking the rules?
28:47I said, you're taking a big risk, Sanjeev.
28:49Yes.
28:50Which is not a no.
28:52I think if you had got on the jockey, it would count.
28:55I was on his foot.
28:56If someone gets on my foot, they're on me.
28:59But if you're...
29:02I admired the lateral thinking, and if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey...
29:06It would have been ironic as well that you were riding a jockey.
29:10See how they bloody like it.
29:13Am I right?
29:15I like it. It was very close to being allowed.
29:18It was good lateral thinking.
29:20Amazing.
29:21Well, we know how this went.
29:23There's a lot to unpack here.
29:25Just show the clip.
29:26Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight.
29:29The sexy thing is just a little bonus.
29:31Here we go.
29:32Here we go.
29:33Just one point for sexy.
29:34Yep.
29:35The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
29:37OK.
29:38Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
29:46From then on, it was just sex.
29:49Yep.
29:50Story of my life, there is.
29:53I thought identifying my possible vanity was a masterstroke,
29:56making him sexy by making him look like me.
30:00Unfortunately for you, I have to look at myself naked in the mirror every morning,
30:04and it is fucking rough.
30:08But you're not naked in this, you're in a sexy police officer outfit.
30:12Maybe that would change things.
30:14Yeah.
30:16Shall we look at the weights first, and then you can decide on sexy?
30:18Yeah, yeah, let's have a look.
30:23Two stone, £5.
30:27Five stone, £12.
30:29Seven stone, £6.
30:31Six pounds.
30:3616 stone, £5.
30:40Let's see, so I'm not going to say this out loud.
30:42OK.
30:45Yeah, so that's the readings.
30:47Only Sanjeev came close.
30:48Rhys, I'm so sorry, you went over the top.
30:50You get zero points.
30:51That's a shame.
30:52I really thought I was under.
30:53Is he still in the running for the sexiest?
30:55Of course he is, yeah.
30:56Ah, OK.
30:57So what are we saying about Sanjeev?
30:58Any points?
31:00Um, yeah, I can't not give him any points.
31:03So, he can come last.
31:05LAUGHTER
31:07So we're saying Phil gets the full five points.
31:09Yes.
31:10Four for Anya, three for Maisie, one for Sanjeev?
31:12Yes, I think that's fair.
31:13One for Sanjeev and zero for Rhys.
31:15Oh, sorry, Rhys.
31:16Sorry.
31:20And now it's simply who's the sexiest jockey.
31:23So here are all five for you, Greg.
31:25Take your pick.
31:26Whoa!
31:27Wow!
31:28Look at Sanjeev, sexy lady.
31:33I gave you a muff.
31:34That's good.
31:37The two sausage Scandinavians cancel each other out.
31:40Right.
31:41Well, between Rhys and Maisie and they've both got sexy vibes.
31:45I mean, Rhys is, without wishing to be crude,
31:48looks like he'd throw you round the room.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:53I think I'm going to give one point each.
31:55I'm going to add an extra bonus point.
31:56There's an extra sexy point.
31:57I can't deny either of them, my love.
32:01Bonus points each to Rhys and Maisie.
32:03There we go.
32:07Very good.
32:08What have we got now, Alex?
32:09Well, it's a proud moment, Greg, as we reveal the task-o-matic.
32:14Hello there.
32:30Nice contraption.
32:32Ooh!
32:35So, Task-o-matic.
32:36I like this.
32:37I like sort of little machines and things.
32:39I've got lots of them at home.
32:40Have you?
32:41Yeah.
32:42Like a whisk and stuff.
32:44Shall I open and then spin, or spin and open?
32:47You don't need to open.
32:48I don't...
32:49Really?
32:50What's it going to do?
32:51What's it going to do?
33:02Wow, look at this.
33:03Oh!
33:06Oh, wow.
33:07This is so good.
33:08Can I have this?
33:09This is so strange.
33:27I can read it now.
33:28Make the most fantastic 15-second film.
33:32Featuring your face in full frame.
33:34Featuring your face in full frame.
33:36You have 15 minutes to film your fantastic 15-second full frame face film.
33:42Those 15 minutes start now.
33:45Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt, but, er...
33:49But anyway.
33:50Any other need for this?
33:51No.
33:57Please be very careful.
34:00Isn't it like it's got to be a close-up of my face?
34:02Oh!
34:03And it's got to be fantastic, haven't you?
34:04I've got an idea.
34:05I think I'm going to do...
34:07I already know what I'm doing.
34:09I'll need Papamache.
34:10Will you get any?
34:11Yep.
34:12It could be a silent film.
34:14Could be a silent film.
34:15But I can't make myself black and white.
34:18Can I?
34:19Can I?
34:20I could...
34:21But I could paint my face.
34:22Which colour?
34:23Oh, wow.
34:24Very white.
34:25Very white.
34:26I won't dwell on it too long, maybe.
34:33LAUGHTER
34:35But I would say I'm quite a Luddite, but even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white.
34:41I don't think you necessarily need to contemplate a hate crime.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:47All right, let's go.
34:49So we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces, Mr Rees Shearsmith.
34:54MUSIC PLAYS
35:09I can see why you were such a confident Papamache man.
35:21I went back to the dawn of cinema.
35:23Voyage to the Moon.
35:24Yeah.
35:25Georges Mele.
35:26What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:27It was icing sugar.
35:28Lovely.
35:29Yeah.
35:30Can't fault it.
35:31No.
35:32It was a fantastic film and he didn't bolt his face.
35:34Next?
35:35Sanjeev.
35:36OK.
35:37Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance.
35:39Get ready.
35:40MUSIC PLAYS
35:45MUSIC PLAYS
35:51MUSIC PLAYS
35:57MUSIC PLAYS
35:59APPLAUSE
36:02I'm not particularly in touch on my spiritual side, but I imagine there was a strong message in there.
36:12There was, yes.
36:13And what was that message?
36:15It's be nice.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:19Oh, and the floating banana...
36:22Yes.
36:23...represented...
36:24Exactly.
36:25LAUGHTER
36:27What was the stuff that was falling down before you caught the apple in your mouth?
36:31It wasn't falling down, was it?
36:32It was orange juice falling up.
36:33It was falling up.
36:34Oh, God.
36:35So deep.
36:36LAUGHTER
36:37I mean, the second fantastic one.
36:40Someone's going to let us down.
36:41Who will it be?
36:42It's time for Maisie's.
36:44Now, back to us now.
36:50A long time ago, in a taskmaster house a really long way away, a leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule of a prick with a clipboard who lived in fear of his master.
36:57One day, enough was enough, and she locked the prick in the caravan where he spontaneously combusted.
37:02The master moved to Spain.
37:03The end.
37:04APPLAUSE
37:06I think that's quite good.
37:10I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far, I just think they're all good.
37:16Oh, good.
37:17And I've gelled my hair back and it's stuck like that for three days.
37:20LAUGHTER
37:21I mean, it just looked great.
37:23I like the story.
37:24I mean, this is an awful thing to say, but I hope one of the last two is shit.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29OK.
37:30We must stop once more.
37:31A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom and time his movement.
37:36LAUGHTER
37:37Hello and welcome back to the final part of the show, where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces in full frame.
37:55Two to go.
37:56First up, have a look at Anya's vivacious visage.
37:59Greg, your task is to die.
38:08Your time starts now.
38:11Trigger.
38:14Good boy.
38:16Let's go.
38:18He works for me now.
38:21APPLAUSE
38:24What a narrative. I've replaced Alex for the horse.
38:31Yeah, so if he was trying to kill you, he was trying to rebel, but the horse actually worked for you,
38:37and then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series as the Tusk, whatever his role is.
38:42So the horse is at sea.
38:43Yeah.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:45Honestly, this is like, for me, it's awful. They're just all good.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:50Who's left?
38:51There's only one left.
38:52Really good.
38:53Oh, God, I mean, Phil.
38:55Phil's bound to have fucked this up.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58Fingers crossed.
38:59Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face.
39:02LAUGHTER
39:07Phil has not done one thing on this show in nine episodes that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink to...
39:22LAUGHTER
39:38You know, well done, Phil. I thought you would let us down, but it's great.
39:42But what's the narrative? I'm fascinated. Is there a narrative?
39:45I've got... I thought... Of course there is. It's, erm...
39:49It's about parenthood and...
39:52LAUGHTER
39:53Having to let your children just...
39:55At some point, you've just got to let them go, haven't you?
39:57Out of your mouth.
39:58Yeah.
39:59I mean, I'm not a father, but...
40:01LAUGHTER
40:02In fact, thank God.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:04Look, I hate... I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you,
40:07because I like to victimise someone, but...
40:09I could say something positive about all of them, so...
40:12I'm going to give everyone five points.
40:14APPLAUSE
40:20OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
40:31My dear man...
40:33You're my guy.
40:34Who will read the task for us?
40:36Phil!
40:37Allow me.
40:38Become the person the taskmaster shouts.
40:43You will have one minute to draw yourself a new bottom of your face and body.
40:48Also, you must bob up and down throughout your attempt.
40:52Worst new person each round is eliminated.
40:56Yeah.
40:57So, you've each got a card, and you've got a little space for your nose.
41:01You need to draw the bottom of your face,
41:03and then give yourself a body beneath your face.
41:06Ready? Here we go.
41:07Henry VIII on a horse.
41:09Go!
41:10OK.
41:11We're looking for Henry VIII on...
41:12Please, bob.
41:13Please, bob.
41:14Keep bobbing, Sanji.
41:18Phil is on a child's trampoline.
41:22Lovely rhythm at the end, isn't there?
41:24Lovely rhythm.
41:26PENS DOWN!
41:27PENS DOWN!
41:28PENS DOWN!
41:30Oh, rhythm is a dancer.
41:33I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse.
41:36Henry VIII on a horse.
41:37PENS DOWN!
41:38PENS DOWN!
41:39PENS DOWN!
41:40PENS DOWN!
41:41APPLAUSE
41:42They're all good.
41:46But which one's the worst, Greg?
41:48Well, I'm afraid...
41:49Er...
41:50LAUGHTER
41:51I'm afraid it's Phil.
41:54That man is not sitting on a horse.
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58I mean, if I'm honest, it looks like Henry VIII has shot himself.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:03We have lost Phil Ellis.
42:04Phil, you're out.
42:05I'm sorry, Phil.
42:06APPLAUSE
42:07OK.
42:08Round one done.
42:09There are four left.
42:10Here we go.
42:11A supermodel.
42:12Skiing!
42:13Go!
42:14A supermodel skiing.
42:15Please, Bob.
42:16Bobbing at the end, please.
42:19Maisie, bobbing.
42:21Maisie, bobbing.
42:22Stop!
42:24OK, a supermodel.
42:27Oh!
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29Wow!
42:30APPLAUSE
42:31That's really good.
42:32Yeah.
42:33Thanks!
42:34Can I have that after?
42:35LAUGHTER
42:36Maisie's will be censored for the children's edition of the show.
42:38Why?
42:39Because I can see her tits.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:41First time he's ever said tits.
42:43LAUGHTER
42:44It's between...
42:45..and...
42:46..m...
42:47How sexist.
42:48..sanjeev.
42:49Racist.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:51She's got big boobs but I'm...
42:52I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
42:55Her legs are attached to her breasts.
42:57And that's why she gets the work.
42:58LAUGHTER
42:59I'm not sure.
43:00She's got big boobs but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:03Her legs are attached to her breasts.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05And that's why she gets the work.
43:06It's not that it's been censored for the children's edition of the show.
43:09Why?
43:10Because I can see her tits.
43:11I can see her tits.
43:12LAUGHTER
43:16LAUGHTER
43:18I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's,
43:21so I will kick Maisie's big...
43:23We've lost Maisie Adam. There we go.
43:25Thank you, Maisie.
43:26APPLAUSE
43:28That's why it is.
43:30Elvis on an escalator!
43:32Go!
43:33Ooh!
43:34Bobbing!
43:39It's got focused bobbing now, isn't it?
43:41It is.
43:42Ironically, in this bit, we've had a little less conversation.
43:46APPLAUSE
43:49How much of time up?
43:51That's your time up!
43:52That's a week, that's a big joke.
43:54OK, let's see Elvis on an escalator.
43:56Here they go.
43:57We have our first landscape over here.
43:59APPLAUSE
44:02The best Elvis is Sanjeev, I would say.
44:05He's got the handsome, lopsided smile on Reece's.
44:09And, and I think I sum up what everyone's thinking,
44:13Anya has not drawn Elvis.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:16I'm young.
44:18LAUGHTER
44:19I had to put in what I know, which is about escalators.
44:22LAUGHTER
44:23So I went for Baker Street.
44:25Sit down, Anya.
44:26APPLAUSE
44:28Yeah!
44:29It's the final, it's the big one. Here we go, you ready?
44:32A mermaid making a mistake!
44:37Ooh!
44:38Bit of licence here for the bobbers.
44:41Good face from Reece.
44:45Greg, can you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?
44:49LAUGHTER
44:50I just think Sanjeev's bob has become more graceful as it's gone on.
44:55LAUGHTER
44:57Pen's down, please. Pen's down.
44:59APPLAUSE
45:00APPLAUSE
45:02This is it, Greg?
45:03What mistakes will our mermaids have made?
45:05Hopefully they're legal.
45:07LAUGHTER
45:08Let's see.
45:09Oh, my God!
45:11LAUGHTER
45:13Sorry, my tits were too much.
45:17It's a mermaid, it's different.
45:20Your mermaid's fingering a fish.
45:23LAUGHTER
45:24It was meant to be that she's eating a fish, well, not on a fork.
45:35Oh, OK.
45:36Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?
45:37Oh, that's a fork.
45:38You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?
45:40No.
45:41So it's a mistake.
45:42Sanjeev's mermaid, who appears to have a father Christmas beard.
45:49Has missed a bus?
45:50It's trying to catch a bus.
45:52What's the mistake, Sanjeev?
45:54Why is that a mistake?
45:55It might be the bus to the sea.
45:57LAUGHTER
45:58What...
45:59What is wrong with you?
46:02Mermaid wouldn't be on land catching a bus.
46:08The man makes a good point.
46:09Yeah.
46:10I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture
46:13is the cannibal mermaid.
46:15There we go, five points to Rhys Shearson!
46:17APPLAUSE
46:19Please come down, we'll add that to the final score.
46:21APPLAUSE
46:22What a lovely, creative group of people we've got.
46:24Mm.
46:25So, the winner of the task, with some fantastic art, Rhys Shearsmith,
46:26five points really good.
46:27APPLAUSE
46:28They all do well.
46:29They all do well.
46:30It's been a very close episode, until you get to the top of the table,
46:31where you've got Phil on 21 points.
46:32He's won the show!
46:33CHEERING
46:34CHEERING
46:35CHEERING
46:36CHEERING
46:37They all do well.
46:38They all do well.
46:39They all do well.
46:40They all do well.
46:41It's been a very close episode, until you get to the top of the table,
46:44where you've got Phil on 21 points.
46:46He's won the show!
46:47CHEERING
46:48CHEERING
46:49CHEERING
46:50When Alice wins, please don't inspect your respective prizes!
46:54CHEERING
46:55AND APPLAUSE
46:56AND APPLAUSE
46:57AND APPLAUSE
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