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00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:33Welcome, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:38A group of comics battling out to see
00:40who is the least worst at doing a thing.
00:43No-one will learn anything from the next hour,
00:46so crack open a can and give in to the pointlessness.
00:49Here are the names of our giggling gladiators.
00:52Anya Magliano!
00:55Maisie Edda!
00:57Phil Ennis!
00:59Rich Shearsman!
01:02And Sanji Baska!
01:05And next to me, a man who told them
01:07he never struggles to get back to sleep after the alarm goes off.
01:10He simply has to listen to one of his wife's descriptions
01:13of a dream she had.
01:14As he put it himself,
01:16They're so boring, I soon be snoring.
01:20It's...
01:22Little Ellertone!
01:24Good evening, everyone.
01:26Hello.
01:28Hey, Craig.
01:29I've got you a present.
01:30Yeah?
01:31Don't you like it?
01:32It's a working mind-reading machine.
01:36You want to give it a go?
01:37Yeah.
01:39I mean, honestly,
01:40that's one of the coolest things I think I've ever seen.
01:42Oh!
01:46That's quite good!
01:47It works!
01:48Is there more?
01:49You are my best friend.
01:51Ooh!
01:52That was a bad edit, wasn't it?
01:54You are my best friend!
01:56Oh!
01:58You really mean it.
01:59This is the best...
02:00This is the best chat section ever.
02:03Let us begin!
02:04Yes.
02:05And I strongly suggest we start with the prize task.
02:07And the category this time is...
02:14Oh, God.
02:15So, at the end of the show,
02:16not only will the winner take home
02:17five things Greg would like to see me wearing,
02:19but I might appear on the stage
02:21and don the outfit that wins this bit of the task.
02:25Ooh!
02:27Before I see any of them,
02:28I want to say that the things that make him look the most stupid,
02:31inconvenience him,
02:33or cause him pain,
02:34are the things that I'm likely to give high points.
02:37Anya.
02:38It's not constrictive,
02:39but I've brought in a versatile hat.
02:41Can I see the hat?
02:42Yeah.
02:43Here's Anya's hat.
02:49That is wonderful.
02:50That, I imagine, is incredibly heavy.
02:52It's heavy, it hurts.
02:53It hurts to wear...
02:54It will ruin his life.
02:56And I'll barely be able to see him and his horrible gappy mouth.
03:00Obviously, it's got the sparkliness for, like,
03:02all your awards-dos,
03:03and then it's black so you can wear it to a funeral.
03:05When my heart inevitably gives in,
03:07I'd like you to wear that to my funeral.
03:09It's a deal.
03:15That's a strong opener.
03:16OK.
03:17Sanjee.
03:18What were the...
03:19You said constrictive...
03:20Causes embarrassment or pain.
03:22OK.
03:23So, if you imagine him wearing this,
03:25in India...
03:29All those things are covered.
03:31Sanjee has brought this in.
03:32It's a sari!
03:38Oh, my God. Our next night out, that.
03:40You.
03:41So full.
03:42Yeah.
03:43I would walk ten paces ahead.
03:45Not for cultural reasons.
03:47Just for personal safety.
03:49Still that.
03:50This is wonderful.
03:51Yeah.
03:52You'll look silly in a sari,
03:53and you'll be in danger.
03:56I mean, I'm excited we're having another night out.
04:00Phil.
04:01It's a suit I've made,
04:03and it's covered in various things that will attract predators.
04:06Yes, it is.
04:07This is what it looks like, Greg.
04:08Oh, here we go.
04:09There we are.
04:11Oh, it's beyond my wildest dreams.
04:13We all got some steaks there for any carnivores.
04:15Some sausages.
04:16Maybe we get a cartoon fun dog chasing him.
04:17Yeah.
04:18And, er, and, honey.
04:19Wouldn't we all like to see Winnie the Pooh attached to his back,
04:21clawing away at him?
04:22Wouldn't we?
04:23Yeah, clawing.
04:24With his little t-shirt on.
04:25Nothing below the west.
04:26Lovely.
04:27The rest blowing in the wind.
04:28Why Winnie and not one of the bad bears?
04:29Winnie behind closed doors is a real piece of shit.
04:31I absolutely love it.
04:46I absolutely love it.
04:48Maisie, have you got something that will humiliate my friend?
04:51The late Lady Diana's revenge dress.
05:00You mean this one?
05:01That's the one!
05:03It's off the shoulder, form-fitting with an asymmetrical hemline
05:07and chiffon train.
05:09Cleavage-bearing, a departure from typical royal attire, of course.
05:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:13It was apparently a statement of defiance and a powerful symbol
05:16of reclaiming her narrative.
05:17There you go!
05:18It was soon after finding out about the divorce, I think, wasn't it?
05:20Yeah.
05:21Yeah.
05:22And I've often heard you say backstage,
05:24there's three people in this marriage.
05:26God, these are all strong.
05:28Rhys.
05:29Rhys?
05:30You have mentioned sometimes, haven't you, Greg,
05:32that you used to be a teacher?
05:33Yes.
05:34Occasionally mentioned.
05:35I may have got a bit of material out to me too.
05:37Yes, yes.
05:38I presume when you were teaching, if someone was hard of thinking,
05:41they would be given the dunce's cap.
05:43So I thought, what's the next best thing?
05:45It's basically a hat with a propeller on it.
05:49This is the hat.
05:50Let's have a look.
05:52I think that should win.
05:54That is...
05:55Oh.
05:56What a nightmare.
05:58Can I say, the reason I find it hard to score that highly
06:01is because he, and I mean this,
06:03would genuinely wear that out of chalk.
06:06I've miscalculated them.
06:08Yeah, it would appear so.
06:11I like all of them.
06:12I'm going to do something that will annoy you.
06:15OK?
06:16I'm not going to give anyone one point.
06:18I'm going to give Rhys Shearsmith two points for that hat,
06:22just because I'm in a good mood.
06:24I'm going to give hat number two, that Anya brought in,
06:27three points.
06:28Right.
06:29Because I liked it, but I think part of Alex would like that too.
06:32Four points for the sari.
06:34OK, one on Sanjeev.
06:35Four points.
06:36And then we're up into the big guns.
06:40It's so difficult for me between meat and Diana.
06:45I'm going to give five points to the late Lady Turner dress
06:48and the meat outfit.
06:50That's how I'm going to play it.
06:51OK, five to Matthew, five to four.
06:52I have to ask, what should I wear at the end of the stun?
06:57I tell you what, you put the dress on,
06:59I'll throw meat at you from down here.
07:03Yeah.
07:04Looks like we got ourselves a shoal!
07:06Let's have a tusk proper.
07:11Let's see the extraordinary power of one little snip.
07:15I thought you were going to be sat there.
07:29Hello.
07:30May I?
07:31Please do.
07:32An envelope, a cushion, string and a gorgeous set of scissors.
07:36Would you like me to open the task?
07:38Yeah, OK, yeah.
07:39Can I use the scissors?
07:40Yeah.
07:43Cut a single string to cause the greatest effect.
07:49You have 20 minutes.
07:51Your time starts now.
07:52Greatest effect is pretty broad.
07:54It's too bloody broad, isn't it?
07:55Oh, right.
07:56That's subjective, isn't it?
07:58Yes, some of these tasks are.
08:00Yeah.
08:01I shouldn't tell you what I'm going to do.
08:03Just do it.
08:04Might need that.
08:05Done that.
08:06It's all good stuff, isn't it?
08:15Yet again, Phil, positive,
08:17making fun out of just having a pair of scissors in front of him.
08:21I try to look at the bright side of life and just enjoy every second.
08:24Good.
08:25That's wonderful.
08:26He said that like the summer with a gun.
08:29Alex.
08:30Greg.
08:31Shall we see some?
08:32Why not?
08:33Let's begin with Phil, short for Philip,
08:35and Anya, short for genetic reasons.
08:37Here we go.
08:40I think there's one more item, if possible.
08:43Have you got a watch on?
08:44Yes, always.
08:45Brilliant.
08:46Strange response.
08:47Do you mind if I take it?
08:48Depends.
08:49Look after it.
08:50I'm not an animal.
08:51It's a good watch, this.
08:53Right.
08:54I don't know how long you've got left.
08:55Well, none of us do, don't we?
08:57But isn't that life's big question?
08:58Got out of the fun of it, really.
09:01That's like the old bloody thing, that's right.
09:03Dang it.
09:05OK.
09:06OK.
09:07Really simple.
09:08We're going to winch the glasses over the house,
09:13and then I'll smash the glasses.
09:15Talk's ticking, Anya.
09:16OK.
09:19Would you like to take a seat, please?
09:21Thank you so much for coming.
09:22Thanks, guys.
09:23Right.
09:24Right.
09:25So, that's a single piece of string.
09:26This is the anvil.
09:27Mm-hm.
09:28So, just gonna...
09:29OK.
09:30You might remember earlier, I took your watch from you.
09:33Yeah, I remember that.
09:34Well, yeah.
09:35I'm gonna give it back, because I'm a good person.
09:37But, first of all...
09:38We've got the trap, we've got the watch.
09:39Well, I do like my watch.
09:40It's a beautiful watch, but points are points.
09:41So, here we go.
09:42I imagine you've got about a minute left.
09:43A minute left.
09:44Oh!
09:45Oh!
09:46That's good, but it's all I wanted.
09:47OK.
09:48That's on.
09:49Was that the little bit you were aiming for?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Amazing.
09:52Watch your head.
09:53OK.
09:54OK.
09:55OK.
09:56OK.
09:57OK.
09:58OK.
09:59OK.
10:00OK.
10:01OK.
10:02OK.
10:03OK.
10:04OK.
10:05OK.
10:06OK.
10:07OK.
10:08OK.
10:09OK.
10:10OK.
10:11OK.
10:12OK.
10:13OK.
10:14OK.
10:15OK.
10:16OK.
10:17OK.
10:18OK.
10:19OK.
10:20We're going for it, are we?
10:21OK.
10:24Five.
10:25Four.
10:27Three.
10:29Two.
10:31One.
10:37Oh.
10:38I thought it would be bigger than that.
10:42I thought it was going to cover the whole house.
10:49One.
10:50One.
10:51One.
10:52One.
10:53Two.
10:54Two.
10:55Two.
10:56One.
10:57One.
10:58Two.
11:00One.
11:01I'm happy with that. Does it still work, Phil?
11:05It does still work, but much like me, it's damaged.
11:08Can I have it back? You can have it back. Of course you can.
11:11There you go. Thank you. No, thank you very much.
11:13I appreciate you trusting me enough with that.
11:15Well, another day.
11:17Another dollar. Let's get back to the ground.
11:20APPLAUSE
11:22Well, I mean, I worked with you the whole way I was thinking.
11:25She's got it sus. I found it was pretty spectacular
11:28when you managed to lasso the weather vane.
11:30It was all going well, and then...
11:33Well, I wrote down what I think let the whole thing down
11:37was, I thought it would cover the whole house.
11:40Do you think it was like nuclear paint paint?
11:43Sometimes I don't even need to score this,
11:46because you scored it yourself.
11:48After the video, you went, ah.
11:51Yeah, sometimes you have to know when it's over.
11:54But I've got a lot of my life left to live.
11:57LAUGHTER
12:00Well, I still enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching you fail.
12:02Phil, this was bold.
12:05Because he loves that watch.
12:07I do love the watch.
12:08Well, is it broken?
12:09No, it's not broken. It made it sort of dirty.
12:11Oh, it's horrific.
12:12What an impact.
12:13But you should see the house.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16I can't. I can't. It's just a clown.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:22Let's see some others.
12:23OK.
12:24Well, the next one's not for the squeamish,
12:27because it's Rhys Shearsmish.
12:29Ooh.
12:34And so, Contessa,
12:37for three days you have denied answering our questions.
12:41Hmm.
12:42You still will not loosen your tongue?
12:45Hmm.
12:46For the greatest effect,
12:48one small snip,
12:50is all it will take.
12:52Let us see if we cannot change your mind.
12:56Hmm.
13:06You still want to come back?
13:08Ever lower the pit,
13:09and the pendulum swings upon the gut of the mistress.
13:14Do you have anything to say, you my lady?
13:17Oh!
13:18Rather than ow!
13:19I'm not easy.
13:20You must not steal again,
13:22for the supermarkets.
13:24What the hell?
13:26Do we...
13:27It was you!
13:30Ah.
13:31She has expired.
13:33Never again
13:34will you steal...
13:35from Asda.
13:39Lower it!
13:40Finish her up!
13:49Now!
13:54My work here is done.
13:57Never again
14:00will you steal
14:02cream eggs
14:03from Asda.
14:05Bring in the next one.
14:07He is said to have
14:09parked
14:10on a single yeller.
14:11for a single yeller.
14:12APPLAUSE
14:20Wonderful filmic ambition.
14:22I'd like, for the first time in this series,
14:24to drill down into the narrative, somewhat.
14:26Who are these characters?
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28Well, it's based, clearly,
14:30on Eggdrill and Post Pits and the Pendulum.
14:32Of course!
14:33Yes.
14:34In which a man is tortured,
14:36sort of in the Inquisition style.
14:38And I changed it slightly that he'd been stealing
14:41cream eggs from Asda.
14:42From Asda, yes.
14:43Right.
14:44Where was your character from?
14:45He was Spanish?
14:46Er...
14:47No.
14:48He's...
14:49He's from Hull.
14:52Great effect indeed.
14:54OK.
14:55I'd like to announce the end of part one.
14:57And it's time, ladies and gentlemen.
14:59Strap yourselves in.
15:00Alex is going to end this part
15:02with his Robert De Niro impression.
15:04Ooh!
15:05Er...
15:06You talking to me?
15:07Are you talking to me?
15:09It's like he's in the room!
15:11APPLAUSE
15:22Yes!
15:24It's the start of part two.
15:25We've been seeing the dramatic consequences
15:27that can occur after cutting one single piece of string.
15:31Yes.
15:32Especially if you parked on a single yellow!
15:36Time now to see what...
15:37I didn't know you were from Hull!
15:41Time now to see what Maisie and Sanjeev decided
15:43was a good idea.
15:44Here we go.
15:50Uh-huh.
15:51Right.
15:52OK.
15:53You sure?
15:54But here goes.
15:55BUZZER
15:57BUZZER
15:58BUZZER
15:59BUZZER
16:00BUZZER
16:01BUZZER
16:02BUZZER
16:03BUZZER
16:04APPLAUSE
16:05APPLAUSE
16:10Oh.
16:11OK.
16:12Thank you, Sanjeev.
16:13Mm.
16:15Quite a shame.
16:17Is it?
16:18Is it?
16:19No.
16:23Greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:26For greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:28If I cut it at the very end, I've got more string,
16:31so I can do more with it.
16:33If I hook it round that...
16:36Yeah!
16:37So you are going to cut the string at some point, are you?
16:39Alex, leave the room.
16:40Oh.
16:41That duck.
16:42BUZZER
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17:21BUZZER
17:22Hooray!
17:26BUZZER
17:28Bon Appetit!
17:32Hooray!
17:34BUZZER
17:36Bon Appetit!
17:38That's an absolute cockfest. Look at that.
17:40Three chicken fell over. Yeah.
17:42And you just cut one bit of string. That's really good, innit?
17:44An absolute cockfest.
17:46.
17:49.
17:53.
18:03.
18:09Oh!
18:39I've got one word for you.
18:42Existentialism.
18:44APPLAUSE
18:51I've got to be honest, I was going to score you highly
18:54when you just let the table miss the egg.
18:57I thought, that's so clever,
18:59because we're all expecting the egg to be smashed.
19:02And you deliberately made it miss the egg, obviously.
19:04Mm-hm. And then... And then?
19:06What a second chapter.
19:09Did you deliberately have the balls miss the second egg
19:12or was that just fluke?
19:13That... No, it was deliberate,
19:15because the whole thing is you expect the eggs to break.
19:17Yeah. And that's why I said it's existential,
19:19because everybody, as people,
19:21are the kind of most vulnerable thing, like an egg,
19:23and situation and time and the world and everything
19:26is everything else, but we can survive it.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:31You, my friend, are on the wrong show.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36So, Maisie, I did think it was fairly chaotic.
19:39You helped one of the chickens off the thing,
19:42but it was still a pretty great effect.
19:44Oh, thank you.
19:45And you had the best celebration as well.
19:47Whoa!
19:48OK, I can score.
19:50What is the least effect?
19:52Well, it's Anya, I'm sorry.
19:53One point at Anya.
19:55OK, I think I'll have to give you two on this occasion, Maisie,
19:58and I'll give the anvil three.
20:00OK, Phil get three.
20:01No, I don't know.
20:02It was profundity and action,
20:04so I think, probably, Sanjeev just pips it.
20:07So, four points to Rhys, five points to Sanjeev.
20:09There we go. Five points to Sanjeev.
20:11CHEERING
20:12Can I see the series scores?
20:14Yes, it's tight.
20:15It really is. Sanjeev is at the bottom with 76,
20:17and then it goes Maisie 80, Phil 81, Anya 82,
20:20Rhys suddenly in the lead with 83.
20:22Right, let's have another.
20:27Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
20:31What is it this time?
20:45Well, we're in a corridor.
20:47I know.
20:48What if I don't like heights?
20:50OK.
20:52Write an autobiographical ten-word story.
20:56You have two minutes.
20:58Your time starts now.
21:00On the notepad, please.
21:03Ten-word story.
21:04I don't think I need that many.
21:06I have to write it?
21:07An autobiographical ten-word story.
21:10That's what he wants.
21:11He?
21:12Greg Davis.
21:16He's the taskmaster.
21:17Yes, thank you.
21:19Oh, what else have I done in my life?
21:23Great.
21:24Done.
21:25Happy with your story?
21:26It's true.
21:28Do you mind just showing me your...
21:30..story?
21:31That's for you, and I'll take this away.
21:37Oh.
21:38OK.
21:39There we go, that's for you.
21:40I knew you were up to something troublesome.
21:45Communicate your story to the taskmaster.
21:47You may not leave the bridge.
21:49The most accurately communicated story wins.
21:53You have ten minutes to prepare your performance.
21:55Then 30 seconds to communicate your story.
21:58Your time starts now.
21:59You've got time to prepare or practise or...?
22:01No, let's just go for it.
22:02You just want to go for it immediately?
22:03Yeah, let's go for it.
22:04Right.
22:08Oh, that's bloody useless.
22:10What is this?
22:11Anya, are you ready?
22:12Yeah.
22:13Ready, Maisie?
22:14Ready.
22:15Am I able to write on this window?
22:17Taskmaster will be watching.
22:20Well, where's the Taskmaster?
22:26Oh, shit!
22:33Grace, grumpy that morning?
22:35No, I thought that's me on a good day.
22:38Sanjeev didn't take any rehearsal time,
22:41just launched straight into it.
22:43But we've learnt today, we shouldn't write Sanjeev off.
22:46We've got a lot going on up there.
22:50Can we see their ten-word stories?
22:52Others are excited.
22:53Yes.
22:54We're going to see them one at a time, Greg.
22:55You're going to watch it and you're going to try to scribble down
22:57what you think the story is, Greg.
22:58First up, is he Mr Cool and Confident
23:00or is it Mr Let's Hurry Up So I Can Bog Off Home Early?
23:03Either way, it's definitely Mr Sanjeev Bassett.
23:05He's a chief bastard.
23:07WHISTLE BELLS
23:09ORGAN PLAYS
23:10THEY CONFER
23:30This is what I've done with.
23:32A child is born, he grows up to be Sanjeev.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38That might be slightly better than what I wrote.
23:42Well, the gist is pretty good.
23:44The story was, I was born Sanjeev, which I remain to this day.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Wow. It's not bad.
23:51Not bad.
23:52We have to take the gist as correct into it when I'm scoring.
23:55OK. You want to see another one?
23:57Yes, I do. Who can I see?
23:59I want you to see Maisie's ten-word story.
24:01OK. Here we go.
24:06MUSIC PLAYS
24:13WHISTLE BLOWS
24:15APPLAUSE
24:18You look like you don't know what it was.
24:20I don't know what that was.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:22I've got it.
24:23Oh.
24:24You're ahead of me.
24:25I've written,
24:26Bored woman sarcastically indicates she did not enjoy man's company.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34I mean, that is my autobiography, actually.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:39It's not a million miles off.
24:41Maisie, you wrote,
24:43HE keeps explaining the plot of the show I'm in.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48What?
24:49Because you asked me to read the rules out a couple of times.
24:51You got infuriated, you wrote that down.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54I'm a fucking idiot.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57You've had highs, but this is...
24:59This is a low.
25:00OK.
25:01Who's next?
25:02OK, I'm going to show you one more before the break.
25:04Here is Phil's autobiographical ten-word story.
25:06Here we go.
25:07Have a look.
25:08WHISTLE BLOWS
25:10MUSIC
25:11MUSIC
25:12MUSIC
25:13MUSIC
25:14MUSIC
25:15MUSIC
25:16MUSIC
25:37MUSIC
25:38MUSIC
25:43MUSIC
25:44The tale of Elvis Tung.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46I'll tell you what's thrown it,
25:48and what I think is going to damage it,
25:50is I couldn't decide what this was.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53And in the end, I decided it was a circus tent.
25:56Do you think you've got it?
25:57This is what I've written, really?
25:58OK, yep.
25:59CHILD BORN TO CIRCUS
26:01RUNS AWAY
26:03BUT RETURNS WHEN SKINN'T
26:05LAUGHTER
26:07No, I think that's pretty...
26:09Yeah.
26:10He actually wrote...
26:11..Preston born, Preston raised, left Preston, failed,
26:14returned to Preston.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:18APPLAUSE
26:20The journey's there.
26:21Yeah.
26:22Do you remember why?
26:24Priest town.
26:25Priest town.
26:26Is this a church?
26:27That's a church.
26:28Ah.
26:29You've got a couple of words right and you've got the gist right,
26:31but circus was wrong.
26:32OK, it's break time once more.
26:34So...
26:35Stand up.
26:36Have a stretch.
26:37Have a scratch.
26:38Have a retch.
26:39Have a burp.
26:40Have a yawn.
26:41Pick up your phone.
26:42Look at some porn.
26:43Close the curtains.
26:44Make a dent.
26:45And before you know, we'll be back again.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47APPLAUSE
26:48Hello.
26:49Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.
26:50Before the break, the cast had written ten-word autobiographical stories
26:54and were trying to communicate them in silence for me to interpret.
27:06What would your ten-word story be, Alex?
27:09Good question.
27:10I suppose it'd be...
27:11No-one cares!
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15OK, well, here's Rhys' story now.
27:19Ten-word autobiographical.
27:21Have a look at this.
27:22MUSIC PLAYS
27:37So that's what you've got to work on, Greg.
27:56OK, well, all I've got is when I was a little.
27:59I don't know what to do.
28:01No.
28:02Well, it's an autobiographical story.
28:04What do you think happened to Rhys when he was little, I suppose?
28:07When I was a little boy, I was...
28:14..sometimes grumpy.
28:20Well, you've got the gist of it.
28:22Oh.
28:23When I was little, I choked on Monster Munch crisps.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:29Which would make you cross.
28:30I'm really angry.
28:31On the back of my brother's bike,
28:33I started to choke on pickled onion Monster Munch crisps.
28:36The greatest of all the flavours.
28:38The thing that saved me was there's holes in the crisps,
28:40and I think it went and I had a gap.
28:42He's only here because he breathed through a Monster Munch's foot.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46Well, there's only one left to see.
28:47Here we go.
28:48Fanyly.
28:49Finally.
28:50It's Anya.
28:51Fanyl.
28:52No? OK.
28:53Anya.
28:54No?
28:55Ah.
28:56Aimea.
28:57I don't know.
28:58I don't know, too.
28:59No, we don't know.
29:00It's still an ultimate challenge.
29:01Should I move your head?
29:04visible?
29:05Oh, you won't!
29:06Come on, gurgling!
29:09I want to go.
29:13It has a performance with my dream!
29:15Come on!
29:16MUSIC PLAYS
29:29It's like a Kate Bush music video.
29:32Have you auditioned for Radha?
29:34Because that... Do you think that was good? Yeah.
29:36And he was in Paddington too.
29:41That's true, isn't it? That is true.
29:43I didn't finish the previous sentence to which you took as a compliment.
29:50What were you going to say?
29:52But well done.
29:54Well done.
29:55So, this is what I've gone with.
29:57Baby born to dancing cat,
29:59who writes, jumps and then dies.
30:03And you're born.
30:06Cats, the musical, school, university, trampolining, and you die.
30:10Oh!
30:13It was the full life.
30:14I told the story in a different way.
30:15I did it through bullet points, which I think...
30:17I didn't realise that you could do it as one sentence.
30:20I thought it was like, do the main events of your life.
30:22Birth, Cats, the musical.
30:25I went trampolining.
30:26Cats, the musical is a big thing in your life, right?
30:29Yeah.
30:30Were you in it, or...? I watched it.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:34What did you write again, Fred?
30:35Baby born.
30:36Anya born.
30:37That's good.
30:38To dancing cat.
30:39Cats, the musical.
30:40Who writes,
30:41school, university,
30:42jumps,
30:43trampolining,
30:44and dives.
30:45Anya die.
30:46Wow!
30:47APPLAUSE
30:48That's really good!
30:51So, it seems to me, Maisie, unfortunately,
30:54should come in last place and receive one point.
30:56OK, cos she didn't really understand it.
30:57Followed by half-a-story Reese with two points.
30:59OK.
31:00Phil didn't go to the circus, but he did the rest of the stuff.
31:03Yeah.
31:04Three points.
31:05Anya, surprisingly accurate,
31:07despite unusual priorities in life.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:11Four points.
31:12But Sanjeev, proving once again,
31:14sometimes, simplicity is best.
31:17Five points to Sanjeev.
31:19APPLAUSE
31:23Another task, please, my basic boy.
31:25Yes, I am here to adhere.
31:27And now, what, the flippers?
31:29We're off to the lab.
31:30MUSIC PLAYS
31:31MUSIC PLAYS
31:46Hello.
31:47You OK?
31:48I am, yeah.
31:49You?
31:50Nice flower.
31:51Is it a new look you're trying?
31:53Maybe, I've just thought of mixing things up.
31:54OK.
31:55Hello.
31:56You know there's protests outside this lab?
31:58Again?
31:59Yep.
32:00They're trying to stop you, whatever you're doing here.
32:02Should I step into the ring?
32:04That's up to you.
32:05Well...
32:07Is it?
32:13Oh.
32:14Creepy.
32:16No strings attached to this, is there?
32:18Yeah.
32:21Wear the flippers correctly.
32:27The slowest wins.
32:28Your time started when you entered the room.
32:31I have read that correctly.
32:33Slowest wins.
32:35Slowest?
32:37What a strange task.
32:40APPLAUSE
32:41This is a particularly confusing task.
32:44It was slowest wins.
32:46Slowest wins.
32:47No explanation.
32:48It was very odd.
32:49What a tricky use of words.
32:51So irritating, isn't it?
32:53Let's begin with two very famous faces from the stage and screen,
32:56perhaps best known for playing Martin in London's Burning,
32:59and Ravi the Indian Cobra from Zoo Rush 2.
33:02Destination New York, it's Rhys and Sanjeev.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:08Slowest wins.
33:10So, I've got to sort of make a meal of it.
33:12Oh, look, there's loads of little chopsticks.
33:19What I'm going to do is try to not come out of this circle.
33:24I'm going to try and get the flippers with chopsticks.
33:26Yes.
33:27I'm missing something.
33:36The thing is, Alex, there is no right or wrong.
33:39Is that right?
33:44Don't... confuse me.
33:48Slowest wins.
33:50You look like a cowboy.
33:51Do I?
33:55Oh!
33:56Something's happening.
33:57Ooh, we're off.
34:00I mean, I'm going to go and have lunch.
34:02Now.
34:03How long are you going to spend having lunch?
34:05You never want to rush lunch.
34:06An hour for lunch.
34:07And then I might have a nap.
34:09And then I'll go home.
34:10Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:11Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:12I can't deviate from the path.
34:22Me not.
34:23Oh!
34:24I don't get it.
34:38Because it's easy to do something slowly.
34:41Stop the talk, is it?
34:42OK.
34:43OK.
34:44OK.
34:45I'm going.
34:51Ah!
34:52I was heading off.
34:54Yes.
34:55But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff.
34:57That's just a step too far.
34:59Go.
35:01Right.
35:02The flippers are on.
35:03The flippers are on.
35:04And I've stopped the clock.
35:06APPLAUSE
35:12When they found out it's the longest task, Sanjeev just went for lunch for six hours and 19 minutes.
35:19We did, yeah, we did other tasks as well.
35:21I think, in many ways, your attempt was more in the spirit of the show in that you decided to give yourself extra tasks.
35:27The chopstick ladder.
35:28But it was to buy time.
35:30It seemed to be the right thing to do.
35:32Of course.
35:33Why sit there doing nothing?
35:34Why go for a nice lunch when you can make a chopstick ladder?
35:38And not deviate from the path.
35:41He's making his own rules.
35:43OK.
35:45That's the end of the third part of this Taskmaster chapter.
35:47In the final part of the show, Alex will be up on the stage wearing Princess Diana's revenge dress and a load of sausages.
35:55See you soon!
36:08Welcome back to the last part of the show.
36:11Alex, are we about to finally find out what the hell is going on in this current task?
36:15Well, Greg, I'm pleased to say we are, which is less good news for Rhys and Sanjay.
36:22So let's get some answers with our dear friend Pam.
36:26That's Phil, Anya and Maisie. Pam, their initials spell Pam.
36:30Am I allowed out this ring?
36:33It's up to you.
36:34Can I open that?
36:48Every time you say the F word, F word, or F, your time is halved.
36:55Every time you say flipper, flippers or flour...
36:58Oh!
37:00She said...
37:02Fuck!
37:05Every time one of your feet leaves a circle, your time is halved.
37:09I'm just confused as to why there's a ring.
37:12Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not mentioned in it, is it?
37:14Every time you laugh, your time is halved. Well, that's all right.
37:17I'm missing something.
37:22That was disappointing.
37:26You must put the flippers on within ten actual minutes of entering this room,
37:31or you will be disqualified.
37:32Ah!
37:34I was heading off.
37:36But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff.
37:39That's just a step too far.
37:42After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle.
37:45But I wasn't in the circle.
37:47Oh, so I don't have to get back in the circle.
37:49Well, you can't return.
37:50You can't return somewhere you've not been.
37:52And the flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
37:54Correct.
37:56There's a lot of rules here, Alex.
37:58Like, have a day off, do you know what I mean?
37:59You look like you know what you're doing.
38:04It's always the key thing, I think, is to look like you know what you're doing.
38:09I thought there was going to be something with the flowers.
38:12Oh!
38:16How do you know how to do a lasso knot?
38:18I don't.
38:20So I've got to wait until it's just about to go ten minutes and put the flippers on.
38:24Oh!
38:26How long left, Alex?
38:27I can't tell you that, Maisie.
38:28You can't tell...
38:30What are you here for, then?
38:32I need to write down how many times you say flippers.
38:36There's something else I'm missing here.
38:40What am I missing?
38:41What am I... what is it?
38:46What am I... what is it?
38:52BUZZER
38:53BUZZER
38:55BUZZER
38:57BUZZER
38:58BUZZER
39:02Oh, I...
39:04After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle. The flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
39:09Yeah. Do you want to give me the flippers? We have to put them back.
39:11What? So I'm going to start again?
39:14Oh, come on! I did the lasso thing!
39:17OK, I have all my supplies.
39:18my supplies. How long have you been in this room? I think probably seven minutes.
39:26Hey! Get them! Shall I stop the clock? Yeah. Stop the clock. Stop the clock? Yeah.
39:36Yeah, I'm not laughing anymore either. I've stopped the clock. So I'll be leaving my
39:43dignity. The next time you get asked to write a ten-word autobiography, that seven-minute
39:56thing's got to go in. Was that actually bad? It was uncanny. Really? It was as the minute
40:00ticked over. Wow. That's not funny, that's just cool. So, I can tell you some stats, Greg.
40:08Tell me them. Maisie, when you read the instructions, panicked and put the flippers
40:13on in a total of three minutes and 52 seconds, which we then have to halve ten times because
40:18of various problems. So you completed the task in 0.22 seconds. Wow. Seriously? It's already
40:28better than Sanjeev and Ritz. Anya, the human clock, finished it in nine minutes, 25 seconds.
40:36Whoa! Yeah. You only have to halve it seven times, so about four and a half seconds.
40:43And she completed the task. OK. Let's not bother Arvid the next one. Well...
40:48Are we not leading to the joker being the winner?
40:51Phil...
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55...had to complete the task in ten minutes. He put the flippers on in ten minutes and five seconds.
41:00Oh! If you hadn't done the lassoing, if you hadn't done the lassoing, you would have done it in under ten minutes.
41:05But I'm afraid, like the older men, he is to score off. Oh!
41:08So only two scorers in that? Only two scorers. It's four points to Maisie.
41:12Oh, I'll take that, yeah.
41:14LAUGHTER
41:15Five points, Daniel!
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:19Let's have a quick look at the scores, then.
41:21Sanjeev is in the lead with 14 points!
41:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:25OK, everyone, will you all please...
41:29Stay put...
41:32For the final task of the show!
41:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:43Oh, no!
41:47So, Greg, I think Phil should read a task. OK, here we go.
41:51Ahem.
41:52Ahem.
41:53Find the age of the mystery person.
41:56You must stay on your seats at all times.
41:58You may ask one question at a time, going from oldest to youngest,
42:03and you may only say two numbers each.
42:05The person may only say yes or no.
42:08First person to say the correct age wins.
42:11So, there's someone behind that screen.
42:13Yep.
42:14You've got to work out their age by asking them questions.
42:16The twist is you can only say two numbers throughout the whole thing.
42:19There will be only one winner of this task.
42:21One person takes away five points, the rest get zero.
42:23Oh!
42:24Do you understand how high the stakes are now?
42:26Yes!
42:27I do.
42:28Wow.
42:29So, this time, we're going oldest to youngest.
42:31Hello, Sanjeev.
42:32Thanks.
42:33LAUGHTER
42:34You may ask our mystery person a question.
42:36Are you in your third decade?
42:39No.
42:40OK.
42:41Oh, come on!
42:42When you look in the mirror, do you think you look old?
42:46No.
42:48Right, we're off.
42:50Are you in a decade above the one Sanjeev mentioned?
42:54No.
42:55One is definitely a number.
42:56Oh, you mentioned a number!
42:57What?
42:58One is a number.
42:59One is a number.
43:00Oh, for f...
43:01LAUGHTER
43:03So, three questions down, one number gone for Phil.
43:05Maisie, it's your turn.
43:06Were you alive for the moon landing?
43:09Oh.
43:10Yes.
43:11One.
43:12I was, er...
43:13One.
43:14Please don't help the contestant.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:17Does your number start with letter S?
43:23Oh, that's a good one.
43:24Oh!
43:25Anya?
43:26Yes.
43:27Ooh!
43:28This is good!
43:29This is good!
43:30APPLAUSE
43:31Two numbers.
43:32Oh!
43:33Well, you've only got one left, but you might as well finish this question.
43:38Are the two numbers in your age the same?
43:41No.
43:42Oh, this is lovely.
43:43It's a great question.
43:44You have sacrificed a number.
43:45This is lovely.
43:46Rhys?
43:47Are you 68?
43:48He's used a number.
43:49Oh, my...
43:50Is it worth it?
43:51No.
43:52Whoa!
43:53God, it was bold, though.
43:54Yeah.
43:55OK, we brought out 68.
43:56Is the letter that follows the other letter of your age an I?
44:06And that's not a Roman numeral.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:10That's right.
44:11No.
44:12Oh.
44:13Oh.
44:14Huh?
44:15Oh.
44:16I'm not sure a mystery person's complete.
44:18Do you mind asking the question again?
44:19Does the letter that follows the other letter you mentioned,
44:24from that part of your age, begin with the letter I?
44:31Oh, and I don't mean a Roman numeral.
44:33I thought that deserved more than that.
44:35LAUGHTER
44:36It deserved more.
44:38I don't understand the question.
44:40LAUGHTER
44:41APPLAUSE
44:43It's the letter that follows the other letter that you mentioned,
44:49to spell out your age an I.
44:54Yes.
44:55Yes.
44:56APPLAUSE
44:57It takes us down to one specific decade for sure.
45:03Can you ride the bus for free?
45:05No.
45:06So, they can't ride the bus for free.
45:09The bit that we've narrowed it down...
45:12..about.
45:13Yeah.
45:14Is that number got curves?
45:17LAUGHTER
45:19Yes.
45:20Were you born after the Cuban Missile Crisis?
45:24No.
45:25Does the second number rhyme...
45:29..with more?
45:32No.
45:33Oh.
45:34Oh.
45:35If it had done recent...
45:36..you would have given it...
45:37Oh.
45:38What else?
45:39Well, it's magnanimous.
45:40LAUGHTER
45:41Just guess.
45:42Just guess, Phil.
45:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:45What a rush.
45:47LAUGHTER
45:48Are you...
45:49..63 years old?
45:52Yes.
45:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:57It's Quentin from series 1319.
46:00Six to the six, against the eight.
46:02Six to the six, against the eight.
46:03And is that your real voice, Quentin?
46:06I hope not.
46:08LAUGHTER
46:09Quentin, thank you so much for being our guest.
46:11We'll add up the scores and see how that affects the final scores.
46:14Goodbye, Quentin.
46:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17That was a high octave round.
46:20LAUGHTER
46:21Is it on purpose that that number is written all over the house?
46:24Everything's on purpose.
46:26LAUGHTER
46:2763 was the age of Quentin, which means that Phil wins five points!
46:31Well done.
46:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:34And so, sadly for Samjeev, who has not won an episode yet,
46:38he's come second in this one.
46:40The winner with 16 points is...
46:42..Phil Ellis!
46:43LAUGHTER
46:44Phil Ellis wins!
46:46Please head up to pick up some clothing for the person I'm loathing!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:52Here he is!
46:53The latest winner...
46:54..Phil Ellis!
46:55..and Vinny Alex Hall!
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:58..and Vinny Alex Hall!
47:00..and Vinny Alex Hall!
47:01..and Vinny Alex Hall!
47:02..you're welcoming the winner.
47:03..and Vinny Alex Hall!
47:04.
47:05..and Vinny Alex Hall!
47:07He's been here for the first time.
47:07We'll see you next time, folks.
47:08We'll see you next time.
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