- hace 7 semanas
Blackadder gains a new young servant, Bob, and somehow falls for him. When he discovers that Bob is a girl named Kate, he wishes to marry her, much to Queenie's confusion.
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00:00The Lone Ranger
00:30Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan, and bash your head against the wall, yelling, I want to die.
00:53Now, you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but you're not completely happy, are you? It's mother, isn't it? No, it's not. You're brooding over her death, aren't you? Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with your Uncle Henry. Dear Father, no one can only say such things to comfort me.
01:16Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It's not her I brood over. I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us and must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
01:36But, Father, surely... Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
01:41Oh, Father. Do you defy me?
01:46Oh, indeed I do. I thought it's better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
01:51No, it isn't.
01:52I'm young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn us a living.
01:59Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job. And you'd be working from home.
02:07Goodbye, Father. I shall go to London. Disguise myself as a boy. And seek my fortune.
02:17Well, why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?
02:24Oh, very good show, my lord.
02:26Thank you, Boris.
02:29Sorry I'm late.
02:31Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.
02:33Oh, good. I see the target's ready.
02:40I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.
02:44Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
02:47I advise them to stay there, then. Keep their hands off our women.
02:50Oh, God. Who is she this time?
02:53I don't know what you mean.
02:54Ah!
02:57Oh!
02:59Ah! And who is Jane?
03:02I'm sworn to secrecy.
03:04Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
03:06Oh, Jane Harrington!
03:10We are very much in love, my lord.
03:12This is THE Jane Harrington?
03:14Yes.
03:14Jane, bury me in a Y-shaped coffin, Harrington.
03:17I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons.
03:25No? Tall, blonde, elegant?
03:27Aye, that's right.
03:28Goes like a privy door when the plague's in, turn up.
03:30Oh, Lord!
03:31Come on, get on with your shot.
03:34You'll get over her.
03:38I did.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40You see, she's got this thing about beards, apparently.
03:56Well, in that case, I'm going to shave.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02Bad luck, Baldur's.
04:06Not to worry, my lord, the arrow didn't, in fact, enter my body.
04:11Oh, good.
04:12No, by a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Extraordinary.
04:20Yeah, I'd only just put it there.
04:22But now, I will leave it there forever.
04:25Quite so, Baldur.
04:26It can be your lucky willy.
04:28Yes, my lord.
04:29Years from now, I'll show it to my grandchildren.
04:32Yes, Baldur, I think the grandchildren may now be out of the question.
04:35Waffle!
04:36Poor old pea-brainer.
04:38Ha!
04:39Never catch me falling in love.
04:40That's for damn sure as mustard.
04:42Come in.
04:45Good day to you, Lord Blackadder.
04:48Ah.
04:49Good day to you.
04:53Boy?
04:54What is it brings you here?
04:57I'm an honest, hard-working lad, but poor.
05:00And I must support my father, who is stark-raving mad.
05:02Therefore, I come to London to seek a servant's wage.
05:05Well, yes, indeed.
05:06Unfortunately, I already have a servant.
05:08The word is...
05:10that your servant is the worst servant in London.
05:14Hmm, that's true.
05:16Baldur, you're fired.
05:17Be out of the house in town.
05:19Well, young man, you've got yourself a job.
05:21What do they call you?
05:22Kate.
05:24Isn't that a bit of a...
05:25girl's name?
05:26Oh, it's, um, short for, um...
05:29Bob.
05:33Bob.
05:33Yes.
05:35Well.
05:36Bob.
05:37Welcome on board.
05:40Sorry, Baldur, any reason you're still here?
05:43What if, uh...
05:44I've got nowhere to go, my lord.
05:46Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks?
05:50I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
05:53Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.
05:56Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?
06:00Well, you know where you'd have to live.
06:02In the gutter?
06:03Yes.
06:04And you'd have to work a bit harder, too.
06:06Of course, my lord.
06:07All right.
06:07Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out into the street.
06:11God bless you, sweet master.
06:13Bob.
06:14Thanks.
06:16Bob, this is Percy.
06:17A dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake off.
06:20Ah, hello there, Bob.
06:22You young roister-douster, you.
06:24You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly, rosy-cheek caperings, eh?
06:31Of course you do.
06:32And more besides, I'll warrant you, young scamp.
06:36Thank you so much for letting me stay, Lord Blackadder.
06:39No, not at all, Bob.
06:40I'm looking forward to having you.
06:42Having another man about the house instead of that animal, Baldrick.
06:46Excuse me.
06:48I'm just going to the lavatory.
06:50How little he knows.
06:52And how much I would have him know.
06:56I say, Bob, I think this calls for a celebration.
06:59How about a game of cop and ball and a slap of tea at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop?
07:04Get lost, creep.
07:05I like you, young Bob.
07:08You've got balls.
07:19Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use.
07:22I'm still bald.
07:23Well, I'm very sorry, madam.
07:25Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus.
07:30Doesn't surprise me.
07:32He used to laugh.
07:34Those people with the funny faces and the bells.
07:37No, jesters, ma'am.
07:38No, it's...
07:39lepers.
07:42Where's Edmund these days?
07:44Ah, well, the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma'am,
07:48is that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.
07:53Oh.
07:54Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy?
07:57Surely not, madam.
07:59You almost were a boy, my little cherry pip.
08:01What?
08:02Yeah.
08:03Out you popped out of your mummy's tumkin
08:05and everyone shouted,
08:06It's a boy, it's a boy.
08:08And then someone said,
08:09But it hasn't got a winkle.
08:11And then I said,
08:12A boy without a winkle?
08:14God be praised, it's a miracle.
08:15A boy without a winkle.
08:18And then Sir Thomas More pointed out
08:21that a boy without a winkle is a girl.
08:24And everyone was really disappointed.
08:27Oh, yes, well, you see,
08:28he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.
08:30Oh, what has happened to Edmund?
08:33There's something very odd about someone
08:35who spends all their time with a servant.
08:48Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
09:18Well, Bob, we're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we?
09:32Let's get russied and talk about girls, eh?
09:36Yes, we could sing some really dirty songs and...
09:40Oh, God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob.
09:45I'm honoured and for my part, want nothing more than to be with you.
09:48Old man.
09:50Well, absolutely. I mean, there's nothing more healthy and normal than having a good, eh...
09:55chum.
09:58What think you, my lord, of love?
10:01You mean rumpy-pumpy.
10:03What would you say, my lord, if I were to say, I love you?
10:09Um...
10:10Well, of course, it depends entirely on who you said it to.
10:14Well, if you said it to a horse, I presume you were sick.
10:17Um, if you said it to Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind, and if you said it to me...
10:23Yes, my lord.
10:24Well, well, I'd naturally assume we were having a big lad's joke about back ticklers the way we healthy followers often do.
10:32And I'd probably grab you for a friendly wrestle, and then we'd probably slap each other's thighs like jolly good chums,
10:38and laugh at what it would be like if... if we really did fancy each other.
10:44In that case, my lord...
10:47I love you.
10:48Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too.
11:07You can't hold it like Lancey, you. What do you want?
11:10Well, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof, sir.
11:13Only the town bailiff says if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames
11:17with all the other turds. Yes, certainly, Baldrick. Help yourself.
11:21I was just off to bed. Anyway, good night, Baldrick.
11:28Good night, Bob.
11:31Good night, my lord.
11:34Yes. Oh, God.
11:41Now, then, what seems to be the trouble? Well, it's my manservant.
11:46I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your manservant on the table
11:52and we'll take a look at you. No, no, no. No, I mean, it's my real manservant.
11:59Uh-huh. And what's wrong with him? There's nothing wrong with him.
12:02That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night, I almost kissed him. I see. So you've started
12:10fancying boys, then, have you? Not boys. A boy. Yes, well, let's not split hairs. It's all
12:16rather disgusting and naturally all worried. Of course I'm worried. Well, of course you are.
12:21It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on
12:26God's clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself? Not really, no. Bloody hell,
12:31I would be. And still, why should I complain? It just leaves more rampant totty for us real men.
12:38Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra? No, all part of the service.
12:43I think you're in luck, though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this
12:49kind of sordid problem. It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it? I had no idea you
12:54were a medical man. I've never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on
12:59my ear for earache. A leech on my bottom for constipation. They're marvelous, aren't they? Well,
13:04the bottom one wasn't. I just sat down and squashed it. You know, the leech comes to us on the highest
13:09authority. Yes, I'd heard that. Dr. Hoffman of Stuttgart, isn't it? That's right. The great Hoffman.
13:14Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe. Yes. Well, I can't spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy
13:20man. As far as this case is concerned, I've now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend
13:28A Course of Leeches. Just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed. No, no, no. Don't be
13:36ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve
13:42slowly. In a couple of weeks, you'll be beating your servant with a stick just like the rest of us.
13:48You're just an old quack, aren't you? I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.
13:55The only thing to follow, my lord, is this lovely fat spider I found in the bar.
14:01I was saving it for myself, but if you found it... Oh, shut up, Baldwin. I don't eat invertebrates for fun,
14:06you know. This is doctor's orders. Oh, I don't hold with this newfangled doctrine.
14:12Any problems, I'll go to the wise woman. Yes, Warwick, I'm long past entrusting myself to some
14:17deranged druid who gives her professional address as one Dunghill Mansion's Putney.
14:23Tell me, young crone, is this Putney? That it be. That it be. Yes, it is, not that it be.
14:40You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist.
14:43I seek information about a wise woman. The wise woman? The wise woman? Yes, the wise woman.
14:54Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wise woman? Yes. First, she is a woman.
15:03And second, she is... Wise? You do know her, then? No. Just a wild stab in the dark,
15:15which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
15:21Do you know where she lives? Of course. Where? Here. Do you have an appointment? No.
15:28Well, you can go in anyway. Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies,
15:34which I'm not going to give to you.
15:45Hail, Edmund, Lord of Adder's Black. Hello, Skephio nearer. For already I see thy bloody purpose.
15:54Thou plotters, Blackadder. Thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a... a butt of wine.
16:07No, no. No, no. It's far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant.
16:12Oh, well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
16:16What? When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them first, of course.
16:22Being so old and warty. But what about my position, my social life?
16:30Very well, then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thine ailment.
16:38Oh, good. The first is simple. Kill Bob. Never.
16:44Then try the second. Kill yourself.
16:48And the third? The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
16:53Ah, that sounds more like it. How?
16:55Now, kill everybody in the whole world!
17:07Now, look here, Bob. I've got something very important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully.
17:12Yes.
17:13Look, Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my service.
17:17Oh, no, my lord. My father will starve and I'll have to become a male prostitute.
17:24And besides, I thought we were friends.
17:27Well, we are friends, Bob. Of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course.
17:35In fact, that's the reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in chum.
17:43Oh, my lord.
17:45Now, I want to make it absolutely clear that I'm in no way interested in the contents of your tights.
17:49You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.
17:54Ah, hi. I've rather myself, Bob, that I know what a gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much.
17:59But, my lord, I have a great secret.
18:02What?
18:03Prepare to be amazed.
18:07Oh, no. You haven't got one of those birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you?
18:12No.
18:13Or a tattoo saying, get it here.
18:17No.
18:18Oh, god.
18:19You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outwards, haven't you?
18:21Oh, no, my lord.
18:23Well, what can it possibly be?
18:27Ah.
18:30Good lord.
18:34So, what was all that Bob stuff about then?
18:37Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have so many women before.
18:41Would I?
18:43Yes.
18:44Yes. But now you've had a chance to grow to love me for what I really am.
18:47Yes, that's true.
18:49And now, I want to marry you, Bob.
18:54Kate.
18:55Then come, kiss me, Kate.
19:00I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite, Lord Blackadder.
19:04Oh, god.
19:06It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
19:11That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth.
19:17Or Mary.
19:17And Donald.
19:19Mouth is open.
19:20Nursie should be shut.
19:21That is true, sweet one.
19:22I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.
19:26Then why is your name, Nursie?
19:27That is my real name.
19:29Isn't it?
19:29No.
19:30What is your real name, then?
19:31Ah, Bernard.
19:36Suits you, actually.
19:37Your Majesty.
19:38Oh, hello, stranger.
19:40I seek your permission to wed.
19:42So I hear.
19:42Not she?
19:44What do you think of all this?
19:46I must profess, madam, I'm astonished that Blackadder could possibly have eyes for any other woman than yourself.
19:51Good point.
19:52No, slightly grovelly.
19:55But when I fell in love, Mum, I didn't know she was a woman.
19:58I thought she was a boy.
20:01Of course, that makes it perfectly acceptable.
20:05Oh, all right.
20:07Go on and marry her.
20:08Thank you, Mum.
20:10Just do me one thing.
20:13Is her nose as pretty as mine?
20:16Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mum.
20:18Oh, God, because otherwise I would have cut it off.
20:24And then you'd have had to marry someone without her nose, and that wouldn't be very nice, would it?
20:29No, Mum.
20:30I mean, imagine her nest when she got a cold.
20:34Yuck!
20:38Well, quite, Mum.
20:40All right, off you go, then.
20:42Everyone seems to get married except me.
20:49And me, Mum.
20:50Oh, shut up, Bernard.
20:54You make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick.
20:59Pity me that I have no actual girl chums, because we were so poor in our house we couldn't afford friends.
21:04It is strange, in keeping with the manner of our courtship, that your maid of honour should be a man.
21:08Thank you very much, my lord.
21:10Well, I use the word man in its broadest possible sentence.
21:14Perhaps we all know God made man in his own image.
21:17It'd be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
21:22Ignore old Mr. Grumpy.
21:25There you are, boulders.
21:27You look sweet as a little pie.
21:33Kate, he looks like what he is, a dung ball in a dress.
21:38Oh, Edmund.
21:42Hello, there.
21:46Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests.
21:49And such a pretty one, too.
21:52Oh, God.
21:54Well, you're a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years.
22:00Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?
22:02He's called Baldrick.
22:06Baldrick.
22:08That's a pretty name.
22:11Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick.
22:15But anyway, away with such small talk.
22:19Lady, a kiss.
22:21What?
22:23He's so modest, too.
22:25Come on, you little tease. You know you want to.
22:28Give us a kiss.
22:30All right. You say so.
22:31Uh, here.
22:49What an original perfume.
22:51That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress.
23:03Anyway, what do you want?
23:06Well, uh, Edmund, there has been some discussion around the court on the subject of who's going to be your best man.
23:14And I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject to a conclusion.
23:18Ah, yes, Percy. I would like you.
23:20Oh, I'm so proud!
23:22Please, let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover.
23:26Where I officially got the galleon of my old school friend and adventurer, Lord Flashheart.
23:31He shall be my best man.
23:33Lord Flashheart.
23:36The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor, and the best kisser in the kingdom.
23:42He was he. To Dover at once.
23:45Yes.
23:45Actually, I was going to suggest Lord Flashheart for best man myself.
23:53Larry.
24:05Edmund, I can't believe it's really happening.
24:08It is, my sweet.
24:10Before we go in, I want you to meet my father.
24:13Oh, fine.
24:14Excuse me, could you move along, please?
24:27Look, I'm waiting for my father-in-law.
24:29The last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the curb or smelling of cabbage.
24:34I am your father-in-law.
24:37Oh, no.
24:39All right, how much do you want to clear off?
24:41Edmund, how could you heal my father, my only living relative?
24:45Ten pounds should do the trick.
24:48All right, there we go.
24:50Edmund, you mustn't.
24:52Oh, don't worry. I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the ceremony.
24:54We'll get the money back.
24:55Come on, wait.
25:00Oh, Edmund, could we get on, do you think?
25:02I want to get to the reception so I can get Squiffy and seduce someone.
25:06Yes, unfortunately, ma'am, my best man still has not arrived.
25:09We'll get another one.
25:11Well, there's no one else I can really think of.
25:17Sorry, Percy?
25:19Nothing, my lord. Just clearing my throat.
25:22Good.
25:24No wonder you coughing all the way through the ceremony.
25:27Come on, Edmund, you must be able to think of another best man.
25:31Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy?
25:34My lord!
25:35Can you think of another best man?
25:40Well, my lord, one name does spring to mind.
25:43Yes, but I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid.
25:46Besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.
25:53I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.
25:57Of course!
25:58Nursey!
25:59How do you fancy putting on a pair of hoes and being my best man?
26:02Edmund, don't be so naughty. You know perfectly well who Percy is referring to.
26:06All right. I'm sorry.
26:08Melch it.
26:08All right, all right.
26:10As shamed as I am and contradiction in terms though it is,
26:13Percy, you can be the best man.
26:16Oh, my lord! Noble curse!
26:19What an honour!
26:20I brought along a ring. Just...
26:22I really did think old Flash would have turned up.
26:29It's me! Flash!
26:34Flash by name, Flash by nature.
26:40Where have you been?
26:40Where haven't I been?
26:44But I'm here now!
26:48Who is that?
26:49I don't know, but he's in your place.
26:52Not for long!
27:01Thanks, bridesmaid! Like the beard!
27:05Gives me something to hang on to!
27:07So, me old mate, Eddie's getting hitched, eh?
27:16What's the matter? Can't stand the pace of the in-grad?
27:21Hi, Queenie. You look sexy.
27:25But listen, wear your hair long. I prefer it that way.
27:28I've got such a crush on him.
27:30And Melchie!
27:35Still worshipping God?
27:37Oh, my lord.
27:38Last thing I heard, he started worshipping me!
27:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
27:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
27:44Grr!
27:45Nersey!
27:47I like it, firm and fruity.
27:50Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?
27:53Down, boy! Down!
28:01And now, where's this amazing bird?
28:06The one who's stopped my old pal, Eddie, doing exactly whatever he wants.
28:09Ten times a night.
28:11Ah, yes. Uh, Flash, um, let me introduce my... my fiancée, Kate.
28:16Hi, baby.
28:33She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.
28:37You don't want to marry this jerk, baby. Meet me on my horse in eight seconds.
28:43But I can't run in this frock. You see, I find I actually prefer wearing boys' clothes.
28:47Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress.
28:51I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants!
28:56What a man, Flash, is eh? Things will certainly liven around here. Now he's back.
29:00Weren't they, Fla... Flash?
29:03So long, suckers. Next time you get bored of your lives, give me a call and I'll come round and kill you.
29:07Bye, Edmund, and thanks for everything!
29:09Hooray!
29:13It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid.
29:18I presume you intend to honour this?
29:21I do.
29:22Some flash or twitch the header's beard From now he always shall be single
29:32To fall in love with boys is weird Especially boys without a tingle
29:39Blackadder! Blackadder! Blackadder! Blackadder! His chest is rubber-hawn
29:45Blackadder! Blackadder! Blackadder! A randy little sod
29:52Lord Flashheart! Lord Flashheart! I wish you were the star
30:00Lord Flashheart! Lord Flashheart! You're sexier by fair
30:07We'll be back!
30:09You
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