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Set in Elizabethan times, Prince Edmund plots to kill McAngus after the King gives him all of Edmund's Scottish lands.
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00:12To be continued...
00:50The Warriors return, but the war is still not won.
00:54Those Spanish are just warmongers, aren't they?
00:56Yes.
00:57If only we could stop fighting the Spanish, we might have some time to fight the French.
01:03Problems, problems, eh, Father?
01:05Where's young Edmund?
01:06He's organising the entertainments for the party tonight.
01:08He seemed to do it so well last year.
01:10Ah, good.
01:10That should keep him out.
01:11I missed you for a while.
01:12I never know what that boy gets up to.
01:16I do hope we get the Morris dancers again this year.
01:19I must say, I love them.
01:20Hmm.
01:21Don't you find them a little boisterous?
01:23Oh, no.
01:24No, I love a good dance.
01:25Did you enjoy the Morris dancers last year, Father?
01:27Hmm?
01:28The Morris dancers in Mother's birthday celebrations.
01:30Yes.
01:34Now, I enjoyed the eunuchs.
01:36Ah, yes.
01:37The eunuchs.
01:39Wonderful stuff.
01:40I believe that Edmund was thinking of placing them on top of the bill.
01:43Oh, good.
01:44Oh, I do like them.
01:45I think I like them most of all.
01:47My dear, you will be ready to greet Lord MacAngus, won't you?
01:51Yes.
01:57What's Father given you for a present, Mama?
02:00Ah.
02:00Now, it's something rather nice.
02:02Oh, now let me guess.
02:03Uh, horses?
02:04No.
02:05A coach, perhaps?
02:06No.
02:06Jewelry, gold, silver, or something?
02:07No, no.
02:08All right, I give in.
02:10Shropshire.
02:12Oh, how delightful.
02:14I know.
02:14I've always wanted Shropshire.
02:16It's a lovely county.
02:18Now, I must get ready.
02:19Come.
02:23I have a message for Prince Edmund, Your Majesty.
02:25I think you'll find him in his rooms, Rudkin.
02:28Come on.
02:30Oh, and Your Highness,
02:31My Lord Thomas says the problem that you spoke of earlier has now been solved.
02:35Oh, that's wonderful news.
02:36Thank you very much indeed.
02:40I wonder which problem that was.
03:04The eunuchs have cancelled.
03:08Oh, dear.
03:09I should have known never trust a eunuch.
03:12What are we going to do?
03:13The Queen will be most disappointed.
03:15I know what I'm going to do.
03:15Give me an execution order.
03:17My Lord, are you sure?
03:18I'm going to teach them a lesson I'll never forget.
03:21Perhaps we should just have paid them the money.
03:24Money?
03:25Oh, they asked for a small payment, my Lord.
03:27They would have to come from Chester to be here for the birthday tonight.
03:29Now, look.
03:30Let's make one thing clear.
03:31This is a royal command performance.
03:33There are only two options.
03:34Either you do it or you don't do it.
03:36If you do it, you don't get paid.
03:38If you don't do it, you get beheaded.
03:40That's that simple.
03:41And these damn eunuchs aren't going to get away with it.
03:44I'm going to remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain.
03:48Warwick, take that to Lord Chamberlain.
03:50Yes, my Lord.
03:51Now, who else have we got?
03:53Well, there's the jumping Jesuits, my Lord.
03:56And what do they do?
03:58They jump, my Lord.
04:00What?
04:01Well, they come in and they jump a lot, my Lord.
04:04It's a humorous act.
04:05I'd like to see them make me laugh.
04:07Is there nothing else?
04:09Jerry Merriweather and his four chickens.
04:12What do they do?
04:13Lay eggs?
04:15Yes, my Lord.
04:17And then there's the Morris Dancers, of course.
04:19Now, look.
04:20We're not having them.
04:21Morris Dancing is the most despicable, fatuous, tenth-rate entertainment I've ever seen.
04:25A load of ephemeral blacksmiths waving bits of white cloth they've been wiping their noses on.
04:31It's a positive health hazard.
04:33Go away!
04:34Hello, Edmund.
04:35Everything all right for tonight?
04:37Oh, so-so.
04:39Well, I'm looking forward to the Morris Dancers, I must say.
04:42Yes.
04:43Yes, aren't we all?
04:44Splendid.
04:46Wincing bastard.
04:49If only he were, my Lord.
04:52What?
04:53If only he were a bastard, my Lord.
04:56Then one day you would be king.
04:58Ah, yes.
05:00I would be king.
05:01And then what?
05:03You'd rule the world, my Lord.
05:05And that's only half of it.
05:07It's just not fair.
05:09You know, every other woman in the world has bastard sons, but not my mother.
05:12Oh, no.
05:12She's just too damn pure.
05:15She doesn't even look downwards in case she notices her own breasts.
05:20The injustice of it sears my heart to the core.
05:24Oh, and, uh, you won't forget to come and meet this Scots chap, will you, Edmund?
05:28No, I won't forget.
05:29Jolly good.
05:31Who is this damn Scotsman, anyway?
05:33His name is McAngus.
05:35Hm.
05:35Typical.
05:36He's won great victories, apparently.
05:38Ah, yes.
05:39That's what they all say.
05:40They should be back here fighting the peasants.
05:42Particularly as Scottish peasants.
05:44Half of them can't even speak English.
05:47What do they speak?
05:48I don't know.
05:49It's all Greek to me.
05:51They speak Greek?
05:53No, I mean, it sounds like Greek.
05:55Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.
05:58It's not Greek.
05:59Greek.
06:01But it sounds like Greek.
06:03What's not Greek that sounds like Greek?
06:05That's a good one, sir.
06:06Look, it's not meant to be a brain teaser, Percy.
06:08I keep me telling you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying.
06:12Well, no wonder, sir.
06:13You never learn Greek, of course.
06:17Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?
06:22Sometimes, sir, yes.
06:23Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity.
06:26Now, get out, both of you,
06:28and leave me to sort out this mincing rubble.
06:31I won't forget about a Scotsman, my lord.
06:32No, I won't.
06:33I won't.
06:33Go on out.
06:34Oh, but, Balric.
06:34My lord.
06:35You'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter.
06:40Looks like we'll be needing him.
06:41Certainly, my lord.
06:42Don't tell him to bring a bear this time.
06:46And the improvising last year was pathetic.
06:53Did anyone tell my son, Edmund, about the arrival of the Scotsman?
06:57Yes, father, I did.
07:01Sorry I'm late.
07:02I do wish people would remind me of these things.
07:05Good day, Edmund.
07:06Luckily, the Scotsman has not yet arrived.
07:08Huh.
07:09Typical.
07:10And how are the entertainments to be this year, Edmund?
07:12Ah.
07:12I'm afraid they're looking a little spartan.
07:16What?
07:16Greek?
07:20I'm afraid the eunuchs can't make it.
07:22Oh, dear.
07:23They are in Chester and dare not make the journey in this inclement weather, apparently.
07:28No balls.
07:29That's their problem.
07:32Yes, well spotted, Henry.
07:37My liege!
07:39Dougal McAngus places at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.
07:45Thank you, most noble knight.
07:47More foreign rubbish cluffing up the castle.
07:50You've won a great victory.
07:51All England praises you.
07:53My lady.
07:55Mrs. Henry, my son, Prince of Wales.
07:57I am delighted to meet you.
07:59Well done, my lord.
08:00And my son, Edmund, Duke of York.
08:02I'm sorry you could not join us in the fight, your highness.
08:05I hear you're a great swordsman.
08:08Flattery will get you nowhere, I'm afraid.
08:10But of course, no.
08:11A swordsman is a true swordsman, till proved in the heat of battle.
08:14No doubt you've been back here fighting the war against poverty.
08:17Well, I've been fighting the poor, if that's what you mean.
08:20A bit of action for a Prince of the Realm, I suppose.
08:22Sitter for a minor Scottish lord, I thought, but you were away collecting carpets.
08:26Enough of this friendly hand.
08:29Now, Kangus.
08:30My lord.
08:32You have served your country well and must be rewarded.
08:34Absolutely.
08:36As you know, my son, Edmund, owns many lands in your native Scotland.
08:40Aye.
08:41They're some of the finest and the most fertile.
08:44So let me tell you what I have decided.
08:47In recompense for your great service against the Spaniards,
08:50I have resolved to give to you those very lands till now administered by my son
08:56to have and to treat as your own.
08:59The taxes collected from them to be yours.
09:01My lord.
09:03Sorry.
09:05Could you say that again?
09:08Did you not hear me, Edmund?
09:10No.
09:12I'm giving all your lands in Scotland to McAngus.
09:17Is there anything you wish to say?
09:19Oh, no.
09:20Oh, no.
09:20That's fine.
09:21I mean, I think I've administered the lands pretty well.
09:23But if you think that some bearded Gaelic warthog
09:26ought to be handed them on a platter
09:28for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Spaniards,
09:30that's fine by me, obviously.
09:32Good.
09:35McAngus, I wish you to accept these lands as my gift to you.
09:39My lord, I'm deeply honoured.
09:44Perhaps you'd care to join us for tonight's celebrations?
09:46Now we'd be delighted.
09:47And I hope your son recovers his good humour for tonight.
09:50Oh, under all that bluster, he's a very forgiving soul.
09:55I'm going to kill him, and I'm going to kill him now.
09:58Oh, my lord.
09:59Saving Scots rat.
10:00I'm going to stab him.
10:01Uh, where?
10:02In the great hall, and in the bladder.
10:06But if you stab him in front of everyone,
10:08won't the finger of blame point rather firmly in your direction?
10:11I don't care.
10:12I think your father likes McAngus,
10:14and if he suspected you had harmed him,
10:17he'd cut you off without a penny.
10:20Ah, yes.
10:21Yes, perhaps you're right.
10:23Yes, we need something more cunning.
10:27I have a cunning plan.
10:28Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
10:30Mine's pretty cunning, my lord.
10:32Yes, but not cunning enough, I mentioned.
10:33Well, it depends how cunning you mean, my lord.
10:34Well, I mean, pretty dumb cunning.
10:35How cunning do you think I mean?
10:36Mine's quite cunning, my lord.
10:37All right, then, let's hear it.
10:38Let's hear what's so damn cunning.
10:40Well, my lord, first you ask him to come with you.
10:43Oh, yes, very cunning.
10:44Brilliantly cunning.
10:45I ask him to come with me,
10:47and then stab him, perhaps.
10:48How cunning can you get?
10:49Oh, my lord, you get a cannon.
10:52Oh, I see.
10:53Take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon,
10:55and blow it off.
10:56Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's a wonderful idea.
10:58Percy, give me your glove.
11:00Open.
11:03Now, shut up.
11:05No, I think I may have a plan
11:07that will give us a little more entertainment.
11:10entertainment.
12:07They're slaughtering the swine, I think.
12:09Now, is everything all right?
12:11I've put a nice warm bedpan in your bed.
12:13Ah, thank you, Your Majesty.
12:14Oh, by the way, I met my father on the way home through France.
12:19He sends his kindest regards to you.
12:21Ah, have we met before?
12:23I believe so, yes.
12:25He's the third Duke of Argyle.
12:27Oh, yes, of course, yes.
12:28I believe you two knew each other when you were younger.
12:31I beg your pardon.
12:32Oh, yes, we did.
12:35Hmm.
12:37Yes, well, I'm sorry, I have a lot to see to.
12:39If you will excuse me.
12:40Your Majesty.
12:49Oh!
12:50What are you planning for?
12:52What the hell do you think you're doing?
12:53I'll ask you the same question, your royal highness.
12:56Well, I was wanting a handoff with this helmet, wasn't I?
12:59But I heard you slamming around my mother like some kilted anaconda.
13:03Huh?
13:04I didn't like to disturb in case I came between you and a dukedom.
13:07I'm going to see you come between me and everything.
13:10Oh!
13:11Oh!
13:12Ah.
13:13No.
13:15No, you're right.
13:16I'm sorry.
13:18Besides, the reason I'm here is to ask a favour of you.
13:22Uh-huh.
13:23Ah.
13:23Um, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the party tonight.
13:27Oh, by staying away, Demy.
13:30Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:32No.
13:33No, I thought I might devise a little loyal tribute to my mother in the form of a play,
13:38a drama or something.
13:39And I was wondering if you'd like to partake at all.
13:43Oh, well, I warn you, I'm no actor.
13:45But aye, I'll help if you like.
13:47Well, there shouldn't be much acting required.
13:49The play is called The Death of the Scotsman.
13:55You can, you can play the Scotsman.
13:58Um, who dies at the end of the play.
14:01Ah, thank you.
14:02Now I'm very good at acting dead.
14:04Now that I can do.
14:06Well, as I say, there may not be much acting.
14:37You fool, my kangas.
14:39What the devil do you think you're doing?
14:40Well, I enjoy the juice of a few grapes, you know.
14:43Yes, I think a few vineyards have slipped down your gullet tonight.
14:46How did it go?
14:48Oh, uh, it was all right.
14:51I don't think they really understood it, you know.
14:57Come on, let's go through your lines.
14:58Lays?
14:59What lays?
15:01Oh, my God, if he doesn't do his part, the whole plan goes out the window.
15:05You two, you better get out there and start the play.
15:07I'll stay and get this animal awake.
15:09Go on, off you go.
15:11Oh, and ball, Rick.
15:13I wouldn't be too funny if I were you.
15:22Today, fair Buttock, the birthday is of that beloved and much-sainted dame who rules this land with queenly name.
15:30Tis so, my lord.
15:31The land is full of great rejoicing.
15:33Aye, thou art a right, Buttock.
15:35Aye, and a left one too, if truth be known.
15:39Tis true, but look, here comes our noble prince.
15:48Hail, my lord.
15:49Hast thou heard a Scotsman is about the town who curses thy mother and calls thee a clown?
15:55Yes, I have.
15:56My lord, it is he.
15:58Oh, then, they must go.
16:01Hail to thee, Scotsman.
16:04Hail to thee, Scotsman.
16:05And when I say, I am the prince, and today the birthday is of my mother the queen, dost thou
16:11say I cannot?
16:15Aye, aye, aye.
16:16Ah, then I do challenge thee to a fight.
16:18And dost thou accept the challenge?
16:21Aye.
16:22Oh!
16:26Did you give him a trick sword?
16:28Yes, my lord.
16:29Ah, good.
16:29Ah!
16:31I am dead.
16:33Curses be upon thy head.
16:35Take him away.
16:35Let him be hung.
16:37As for me, my life is done.
16:39To the gallows.
16:41What are you doing?
16:42Shut up and get off.
16:50Now remember, I want him dead.
16:54Whatever happens, kill him.
16:55When we get to the hanging, the noose has a safety hook attached to McAngus's clothing.
17:01You must remove it, and then he will hang like the rat, if he is.
17:06If he survives, you both die.
17:10All right.
17:18We must be sure this villain is well hung.
17:21I care not if he is well hung, so long as he is hung well.
17:28Then there was this affair begin to scourge him.
17:32Mother seems to be enjoying it anyway.
17:35I gave her a wee surprise this afternoon.
17:38Oh, yes?
17:39Today is going to be full of surprises.
17:43I met my father on the way back through France.
17:46Apparently, he and your mother used to...
17:50Look, don't be absurd.
17:54Such activities are totally beyond my mother.
17:58My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
18:04If you think she's that pure, I've got news for you.
18:08Then I've got a noose for you.
18:11I've got some letters I took from my father's tent before I left.
18:15They're from your mother.
18:17And by God, they're hot stuff.
18:21They certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt over the parenthood of young Henry for a start.
18:27Look, don't be so absurd.
18:32What have you heard?
18:35Letters?
18:36Letters?
18:36Where are these letters?
18:37Where are they?
18:38Hold off, hold off.
18:39Now, what's the hurry?
18:40They're heading away.
18:41Is this the Scotsman coming hither?
18:43Oh, excuse me, Abel?
18:45But where are these letters you speak on?
18:46Where are they?
18:47Don't worry, don't worry.
18:48I'll show you them later.
18:49All right.
18:50All right.
18:51Hurry up.
19:01Psst!
19:13Thou hast committed the vilest crime, and now must die before thy time.
19:19Prepare thy neck for the deadly rope.
19:22And forthwith abandon hope.
19:25Ow!
19:29Here, Honour, thy time is done.
19:32By the laws of God, thou art hank.
19:35Ooh!
19:36Stop the hanging!
19:38Ooh!
19:39I am the ghost of the dead prince.
19:42Come to plead the mercy of the Scots.
19:45Ooh!
19:48The plea is noble, ghostly prince, but the law must have revenge.
19:52No, no, let him go!
19:55Fair buttock, we must not let this ghost stop us from our purpose.
19:59Remember what thy prince said earlier.
20:01No, no, he...
20:02Look, look, there's been a change of plan.
20:06We must hang him.
20:09No, you mustn't.
20:11Yes, we must.
20:12No, you mustn't.
20:13Yes, we must.
20:14No, you mustn't.
20:15Yes, we must.
20:18Oh, my God, are you all right?
20:25No, please.
20:28Let me go, you fool.
20:30No, I must let nothing blunt my resolve.
20:35I'll get you.
20:39No, no, get down.
20:43We've changed the plan.
20:46No, yes.
20:48No, yes.
20:50No, yes.
20:51No, yes.
20:51No, yes.
20:52All right, go on.
20:54Ha!
20:54That's it.
21:15That's what you think you're going to do, isn't it?
21:17That's what you think I should do.
21:19That's what you think I should do.
21:20You're going to do it.
21:33Oh, my God.
21:36Oh.
21:36My gosh.
21:37Oh!
21:38Oh!
21:51Excellent. It's certainly my mother's handwriting.
21:55When did you say these were written?
21:57Twenty-six.
21:58The year my brother was born.
22:01Baldrick, get in here.
22:04Baldrick, sound and alarm.
22:05And tell everyone in the immediate court to gather in the Great Hall at nine tomorrow morning.
22:10Why, my lord?
22:12Why would I have told you to, you stumbling little ruster?
22:14No, why should I gather?
22:16Oh, I see.
22:17Tell them it concerns the heir to the throne.
22:20I'm particularly keen that His Royal Highness Prince Henry himself should be there.
22:25He may be the son, but no longer the heir.
22:33Get out.
22:39God, I hate the spots.
22:47How much longer must I wait?
22:51Why in the devil's name did that brother of yours summon the court?
22:55I'm really not sure.
22:56I think it might be something to do with the drains.
23:01Good morning, everyone.
23:02Now, Edmund, I hope you can explain yourself.
23:05Oh, I can, Father, I can. Please, be seated, everybody.
23:12Mother, Father, Brother Henry.
23:17Yesterday, there came into my possession, from the hands, my lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal MacAgnus,
23:24whose services have won our kingdom such glory abroad...
23:27Get on with it, Edmund.
23:30Certain letters, rather extraordinary letters, concerning the lineage of Prince Henry.
23:39Letters? What's so extraordinary about them?
23:42Letters?
23:43Well, Henry, they were written by your mother to your father.
23:51Your father, Henry, being, of course, Donald's third Duke of Argyle.
23:56What the devil!
23:57Help her, Baldrick. These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an example.
24:02My dear Hairy-Wary, often, as you sit at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state,
24:11I long for the day when you will probe...
24:15Ah, God, enough of this. Edmund sees this outrage at once.
24:18My beloved father, whose firstborn legitimate son will also rule the land of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland.
24:23These letters speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the gay dog of the glens.
24:29How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only
24:35rulers.
24:36And acts of love, consummation, oh, you enormous Scotsman!
24:42And these letters are dated November and December 1526, which, Henry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely
24:51nine months...
24:56...after I was born.
25:02...but about nine months before your birth, Edmund.
25:14You stupid bastard.
25:18No, I think you're the bastard, Edmund.
25:20Don't get back!
25:23I will have an explanation!
25:26My lord, the reason I have gathered you all here today is to try to get some proper justice meted
25:35out against this Scottish swine who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters.
25:40Let me see them!
25:40No, I've ripped them up in his face, so no hint of that filthy slander can remain.
25:45You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of whops when the backs were turned, and you think you
25:51can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom?
25:53Scum!
25:53I challenge you to a duel.
25:56To the death!
25:58Um...
26:00Yes, all right.
26:02Yes!
26:05This outrage has struck at the very foundations of our kingdom.
26:09If you will not settle it for me in words, then settle it by the sword.
26:13Fight!
26:14Here and now, and to the death!
26:18Lord Percy, fetch the swords.
26:23Get the trick sword.
26:25What?
26:26Get the sword he had in the play last night.
26:30One of these handles is cracked.
26:32I'll, uh, I'll replace it with another.
26:43I hope they have a dunghill in the highlands ready for your corpse.
26:47I need have no fear of a bastard.
26:49The death will silence his lying Scottish tongue.
26:55Ha!
26:56Ha!
26:57Ha!
26:58Ha!
27:01Ha!
27:01Ha!
27:02Ha!
27:10Ha!
27:17Ha!
27:19Ha!
27:20Ha!
27:21Ha!
27:25Ha!
27:27Ha!
27:28Ha!
27:30Ha!
27:31Ha!
27:31Ha!
27:31Ha!
27:32Ha!
27:35Ah.
27:39Ah.
27:51Ah.
27:52Ah.
27:53Ah.
27:53Ah.
27:54Ah.
27:55Ah.
27:55Da ist, Gutschmann.
27:56Ah.
27:57Ah.
27:58Ah.
28:01Ah.
28:04You arse for the trick sword.
28:07Drunk sword.
28:08You'd try to fob me off your wee trick sword, would you?
28:12No!
28:16Spare my son.
28:19Very well.
28:21I will be merciful.
28:23The Batman himself begs for mercy.
28:26Bleeding, bending knees for your life.
28:28Repet your accusation of treason against me.
28:31Condone your father's gift to your Scottish lads to me.
28:34And swear you will never set foot in them in your life.
28:36And it will be your death.
28:40I plead for God's mercy.
28:43I have been treacherous, selfish, and disloyal.
28:49I have allowed the spirit of evil into my heart.
28:53And it has set me against mother, brother, and friend.
28:59I beg your forgiveness.
29:01I'm in awe of your courage.
29:03And wish you nothing but happiness and success
29:06with your new charge.
29:08Ha, ha, ha, ha.
29:19Balric.
29:20I think I'm going to castrate you.
29:25But first...
29:27But I'll...
29:27Do as I say.
29:29Go with it.
29:32Hey!
29:34It'll take some of the spice out of life, eh?
29:37Not be able to pass laws over Scotland.
29:40Yes.
29:42I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
29:54Is Lord MacAngus leaving this morning?
29:57Yes, my dear, I believe he is.
29:59He has much work to see to in Scotland.
30:02Well, isn't it nice, the way things sometimes turn out?
30:05I must say, I thought Edmund behaved himself awfully well yesterday.
30:08Almost rather unlike him, in a way.
30:10But then he can be such a sweet boy.
30:13Oh, by the way, those letters turned out to be French forgeries.
30:16And apparently Edmund has actually found a Frenchman who admitted to it.
30:20Oh, good.
30:22And now he and MacAngus are on awfully good terms.
30:25As you can see, the fields stretch right out to the wood there,
30:28just beneath the hill.
30:30Ah, beneath the hill.
30:30And then, of course, this is one of my own, at least.
30:39Ah, Percy, I wondered if you'd be so kind as to have this letter delivered for me.
30:43Yes, milady.
30:45Oh, I think Lord MacAngus is just about to leave.
30:48Oh, thank you, Percy.
30:49Now, where's Edmund?
30:50I believe he's giving Lord MacAngus a last look round the castle.
30:55Oh, how nice.
30:59Lord Preservus.
30:59The Spaniards.
31:01The drains.
31:01Mother!
31:02Father!
31:03You must come quickly!
31:04There's been a terrible accident!
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