00:07What are you doing?
00:09Hi, Gwendolyn.
00:10I'm going down to the basement to hunt for spiders.
00:13Why?
00:14You wouldn't understand. It's a guy thing.
00:21Gotta jam.
00:22Wait. Did you know this Sunday's Valentine's Day?
00:28So?
00:30So, I was wondering...
00:35Would you like to be my Valentine?
00:38Why?
00:42You wouldn't understand. It's a girl thing.
00:48Greetings, Winslow's.
00:54Oh, hi, Gwendolyn.
00:57Hello, Mr. Urkel.
00:59Hello.
01:05Oh, mister.
01:08I like the sound of that.
01:11It rings of respect, maturity, and poise.
01:24So, where's Laura?
01:26I don't know.
01:27Laura!
01:29Laura!
01:32She must be gone.
01:34Or, she wants me to think that she's gone.
01:39But I'm not falling for it.
01:46Mr. Urkel, I need some advice.
01:56I want Richie to be my valentine, but he seems not to pay any attention to me.
02:03Do you think there's another woman?
02:08Well, I doubt it.
02:11Well, I guess he just doesn't like me.
02:14Well, I doubt it.
02:33But I guess he just doesn't like me.
02:40Everybody likes you.
02:42Then how come I can't get that delicious dude to notice me?
02:49Well, don't you worry, Gwendolyn.
02:51I will get you and Richie together.
02:53You see, I'm an expert when it comes to a l'amour.
02:59Take the luscious Laura Winslow, for example.
03:03The little minx absolutely adores me.
03:07But she disguises her undying love for me with what appears to be total repulsion.
03:12It's a classic case of denial.
03:14But I'm on to her little games.
03:18Yep, and it's impossible for her to put one over on Stephen Q. Urkel.
03:31See, I'm cheering you up already.
03:44It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
03:52A loving tradition of the grand design.
03:55Some people say it's even harder to find.
03:59Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
04:07It's all I see is a tower of dreams.
04:10Real love bursting out of every scene.
04:15It stays for fire.
04:19It's the bigger love of the family.
04:40What a miserable evening.
04:43Calm down, Harriet.
04:45You're overreacting.
04:46I am not.
04:47I don't ever want to go to that restaurant again.
04:49Well, that's just as well, because we'll probably never be allowed to go back in that restaurant again.
04:54What?
04:54Oh, nothing.
04:56Never mind.
04:56Oh, no, no, no, no.
04:57Don't nothing.
04:58Never mind me, Carl.
04:59If you have something to say, just spit it out.
05:04All right, Harriet.
05:08You were a little abrasive tonight.
05:11Abrasive?
05:12I was not abrasive.
05:14Well, yeah.
05:15Maybe abrasive is the wrong word.
05:17Maybe a better word is loud.
05:22Loud!
05:24Like that.
05:26And you got louder every time you made the maitre d' move us to another table.
05:32Carl, our first table was right next to the entrance, where everybody was waiting to be seated.
05:37I do not like 30 people hanging over my shoulder saying,
05:41Hey, senora, can you eat a little faster?
05:47I understand that.
05:48So they picked up all our stuff and moved us.
05:52Yeah, right next to the bathrooms.
05:56Ordinarily, I'd like a table next to the water.
05:59But not when it's swirling around a porcelain tank.
06:04I understand that.
06:06So they picked up all our stuff and moved us again.
06:09And deliberately sat us next to a cigar smoker.
06:12You know, you were rude to that guy, Harriet.
06:16I simply put out a cigar.
06:19In his soup.
06:23Did I embarrass you, Carl?
06:25Is that the problem?
06:26Yes, Harriet.
06:28To be quite frank, I was embarrassed.
06:30And so were all the other customers.
06:33No, they weren't.
06:36Harriet, they applauded when we left.
06:40The valet gave me a tip.
06:44Oh, no, no, no, no, Carl.
06:46You're wrong.
06:47The mait of D gave me a two-for-one coupon.
06:52Look at it again, Harriet.
06:54It's to another restaurant.
07:01Carl, I am not a weak, wimpy woman that's afraid to speak her mind.
07:04When I'm unhappy about something, I say so.
07:07And it would be nice if you would support me sometimes instead of hiding behind your napkin, worrying about what
07:13other people think.
07:14I do not care what other people think.
07:16You most certainly do.
07:17I do not.
07:18And keep your voice down.
07:19The neighbors might hear.
07:26Mel's here.
07:27Would you like to see it?
07:29Just put it on the table.
07:30I'll look at it later.
07:32You mean this table?
07:33Or would you like to move to another table?
07:41Hi, guys.
07:42Hi.
07:45I'm going shopping.
07:46I'll see you later.
07:47Oh.
07:48Would you like me to come along?
07:49Oh, no.
07:50You know how I act in public.
07:52I wouldn't want to embarrass you.
07:57Oh, you're right.
07:59You might get us banned from the market, too.
08:04Uh, do I sense some marital discord?
08:10Might I suggest a romantic dinner for two at a cozy little restaurant?
08:15I know a wonderful little place where they give their doggy bags in the shape of swans.
08:27Where are my pants?
08:29Hi, Steve.
08:31Well, what's the matter, darling?
08:32I can't find any tissue.
08:34Oh, well, here.
08:35Use my hanky.
08:39Pfft.
08:42And by all means, keep it.
08:48Thanks.
08:49Now, tell Stevie what's bothering his little Lara poo.
08:54Ted and I had a terrible fight.
08:56Oh, boy.
09:05What happened?
09:08Well, I went to the cafeteria to meet Ted for lunch.
09:12He was blatantly flirting with Chantel Schwartz.
09:16Thank Ted.
09:17What happened?
09:18Well, you know how Chantel is.
09:21First, she wiggled past him.
09:26And then she said,
09:29Hello, Teddy.
09:31You're looking fine, baby.
09:34Oh!
09:35That tramp.
09:38And do you know what he said?
09:41Now, what?
09:44He said,
09:46Thanks.
09:47So do you.
09:50So then I told him
09:52that he should put his eyes back in his sockets.
09:55And then he said my jealousy was getting out of hand.
09:57So then I said his flirting was getting out of hand.
09:59So then he said maybe we've been seeing too much of each other.
10:02So then I said maybe we should have cooled for a while.
10:04And before I knew it,
10:06we were breaking up.
10:09Oh, my poor, poor baby.
10:14Oh, baby.
10:16Oh, baby.
10:18Oh, baby.
10:20Oh, baby.
10:21Oh, baby.
10:23Oh, baby.
10:29I didn't really want it to end.
10:31I know, I know.
10:45This is a terrible tragedy in your life.
10:48You're just going to have to pull yourself together
10:51and look on the bright side.
10:56What bright side?
10:58Well, now you're free to find Mr. Right.
11:00And who knows?
11:02Mr. Right could be
11:03Mr. Right Under Your Nose.
11:07What?
11:09Well, sure, baby.
11:10In a few hours,
11:11you just may say to yourself,
11:12hey,
11:14Steve is looking kind of hunky.
11:26Only a desperate loser
11:28would pursue a woman
11:29on the rebound.
11:33I'll do it.
11:47Special delivery
11:48for the lovely
11:49Laura Winslow.
12:01Steve,
12:02what are you up to now?
12:13Read the tag.
12:17Open this box
12:18and get a chocolate surprise.
12:36Surprise!
12:38Sweets for my sweets.
12:39Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank.
12:42At least taste the nutty one
12:43in the middle.
12:47No, thanks.
12:48I'm on a
12:49no-pest diet.
12:52Take that silly thing off.
12:58I'm on a
12:59no-pest diet.
13:23Um, uh...
13:26Lauren Lee Winslow, will you be my valentine?
13:30Steve, every year you ask me to be your valentine,
13:33and every year I turn you down.
13:36What made you think this year would be different?
13:38Oh, I don't know.
13:40I just thought that since you and Ted broke up,
13:42well, you might be feeling kind of lonely.
13:44And since I'm always lonely,
13:46well, I thought that maybe we could be each other's valentine.
13:51And for a short while, a few bittersweet hours,
13:56we could help guide each other through the rocky shoals of human heartache.
14:01Oh, Steve, that's beautiful.
14:03Thanks. Kermit said that to Miss Piggy and the Muppets go Hawaiian.
14:11Listen, I might agree to be your valentine.
14:14Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
14:14But, but, but, but only on one condition.
14:18Well, what's that?
14:19You can't.
14:19There can't be any lip contact.
14:22Ah.
14:24The ignominious no lip clause.
14:27Well, you know, baby, I'm a pretty hard-nosed negotiator, and I...
14:30Take it or leave it.
14:31I'll take it.
14:34Happy Valentine's Day, Steve.
14:36Happy Valentine's Day, Lana.
14:38Happy Valentine's Day, Lana.
14:57Enjoy the toast.
14:58I'm ready, Uncle Steve.
15:00Oh.
15:00Woo!
15:02Woo!
15:03Woo!
15:03Oh, Richie, you've cut quite a dashing figure.
15:08Why do I have to wear my dress up clothes?
15:11I haven't worn this stuff since Uncle Louie bought the farm
15:16I didn't know your Uncle Louie died
15:19He didn't, he bought a farm
15:23We had a big party and got dressed up for it
15:27Oh, I see
15:28Well, have a seat and your waiter will be with you in a moment
15:35Waiter?
15:35It's all part of the big surprise, I promised you
15:38Just relax and enjoy
15:48Good evening, Mr. Crawford, and welcome to Shea Winslow
15:51Eddie?
15:52Yes, I'm Edward, and I'll be serving you this evening
15:56What's going on?
15:58Would you like something to drink while you wait for your dinner companion?
16:00My what?
16:09Good evening, Gwendolyn
16:11Good evening, Mr. Urkel
16:14Is everything going okay?
16:20Perfectly
16:23I'm feeling a little nervous
16:26Just do as I told you and everything will be just fine
16:32Ah, Eddo, could you show Gwendolyn to a table?
16:36Let me see if I have one available
16:41Ah, table one
16:43You look very pretty tonight, Gwendolyn
16:51Thank you, I tried
16:56Oh, Richie, what a surprise
17:00Gwendolyn, what's going on here?
17:02It's Valentine's Day
17:04Here, Richie, this is for you
17:12Roses are red
17:14Some socks are black
17:18Won't you be my Daddy Mac?
17:26I wrote that one myself
17:30Gwendolyn, this yucky goo-goo stuff makes me nauseous
17:34I just want you to be my Valentine
17:38That's all?
17:39That's all
17:40Okay, then
17:41If it's that big a deal to you
17:43I'll be your Valentine
17:45Really?
17:46Really
17:46Now let's blot this candle and watch some cartoons
17:50Whatever you say, dear
18:13Mrs. Winslow
18:15Yes, Mr. Winslow
18:19Would you accept a dozen roses
18:21As an apology for the reprehensible behavior
18:24Of your foolish husband?
18:26Nope
18:29Oh
18:32Well, how about if I throw in a two-pound box of chocolates?
18:35Now you're talking
18:39Honey, you know
18:41I just hate it when we fight
18:43Me, too
18:46You know what I realized a few moments ago?
18:50That you couldn't sneak a piece of this candy without breaking the seal?
18:55Besides that
18:57No, I realized that I was angry at you for being stubborn and pushy at the restaurant
19:02And I was angry at you for being wimpy and indecisive
19:06I know
19:07But, you know, I guess another word for stubborn is strong-willed
19:12And another word for pushy is assertive
19:15Sweetheart, one of the main reasons why I fell in love with you is because you're a strong and assertive
19:21woman
19:23Well, I guess other words for wimpy and indecisive could be tolerant and understanding
19:28Those are the things that I've always loved about you
19:34Do you remember when we bought this house?
19:38You were so strong and assertive that the seller came down ten grand just to get you off his back
19:47You know, Carl
19:48Maybe the qualities that we admire about each other are also the qualities that annoy us
19:53I mean, depending on the circumstances
19:57You're right
19:58But, you know
20:00No matter how angry I get at you
20:03Sweetheart, I will always love you from the very bottom of my heart
20:07I love you too, Carl
20:13Hey, Mrs. Winslow
20:18Hmm?
20:20Will you be my valentine?
20:25I'll take that as a yes
20:49I'll take that as a yes
21:06Hello, Richie
21:08How's my favorite Daddy Mac?
21:12Hi, Gwendolyn
21:13That Jeep is fat
21:17Thanks
21:18You want to take this baby for a spin?
21:23Sure
21:33What's this?
21:35Sound system?
21:36Yeah
21:37Check it out
21:57You want to take the baby for a spin?
22:03I'll take the baby for a spin?
22:07Go get it
22:07Feel free to go
22:07I'll see you
22:22Free song!
22:24I was waiting to hear the next one.
22:30Do you care to dance?
22:34In your dreams, babe.
22:38Wee!
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