00:05Carl, I called the precinct and told them you wouldn't be in again today.
00:09Oh, thank you, baby gums.
00:12Now, is there anything else you need before I go to work?
00:15No. I think I'll just lie here and let the germs eat away at my body.
00:21Well, look at it this way. It'll be years before you feel the loss.
00:26Oh, that's right, Harriet. Mark the sick.
00:29I'm sorry, honey. Now, listen, drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.
00:33Mmm. Mmm.
00:43Ah. Peace.
00:45Good morning, sunshine.
00:53Steve.
00:54And how's our congestive top today?
00:58Why aren't you in school?
01:00Well, because I meet him here.
01:02I simply called Principal Shimano and asked him if I could skip a day.
01:06Well, he was thrilled to grant my request.
01:11Remind me to thank him.
01:14Hey, let's play a board game, big guy. I'd run a bonanza of choices.
01:18No, thank you. All I want to do is lie here and rest.
01:23Monopoly?
01:24No.
01:25Clue?
01:26No.
01:26Parcheesi?
01:27No.
01:28Scrabble, checkers, shoes and ladders, Yahtzee wrist, Mr. Potato Head.
01:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:37But Carol, I just want...
01:39Go home.
01:39Well, like you'll just give me one...
01:40Go home, go home, go home, go home, go home.
01:44I don't have to take this. I'm going home.
01:49Sorry, Steve.
01:52Sorry, I got that one right here.
02:08It's a rare condition, this day and age,
02:12to read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:15A loving tradition of the grand design,
02:18some people say it's even harder to find.
02:22Well, then, there must be some magic clue
02:26inside these gentle walls.
02:30Cause all I see is a tower of dreams,
02:34real love bursting out of every scene.
02:39Days go by,
02:42it's the bigger love of the family.
02:57Girl, I got to make a hair point.
02:59I don't know whether to wear my hair up or wear it down to the side.
03:02Maybe I should just shave it all off and start all over.
03:06Go for it.
03:08Maris, I've been nominated for homecoming queen.
03:11Why aren't you excited?
03:12Three reasons.
03:13One, I wasn't nominated.
03:16Two, I wasn't nominated.
03:19And three, I wasn't nominated.
03:24You weren't nominated?
03:25No.
03:28So, who are you going to the dance with?
03:31Arnold Shepard.
03:33He's real cute,
03:34but one of his legs is longer than the other.
03:36So?
03:37So, when we slow dance,
03:39we end up making small circles to the left.
03:45I'm still hoping Ted Kern will ask me.
03:47Well, Ted better ask you soon.
03:49Otherwise, you're going to end up going with some frightening geek.
03:53How's my little homecoming queen?
04:02I haven't won yet.
04:04Oh, come on.
04:05You can't lose.
04:07With your smile,
04:09you're charming that bodacious bod.
04:13At least you can count on one vote.
04:16I mean, two.
04:20So, where are my luscious little love bucket?
04:24Want to go to the homecoming dance with me?
04:26No, thanks.
04:29All right, yes!
04:32What are you so happy about?
04:33She just turned you down.
04:35Ah, yes, but with the simple,
04:37no thanks.
04:38Yesterday, she said,
04:39drop dead, nerd boy.
04:48I'm wearing you down, baby.
04:54I'm wearing you down.
05:06I'm wearing you down.
05:09besides that.
05:11My own bathroom?
05:12Besides that.
05:13More closet space.
05:14You know, you're ruining this.
05:18Piano lessons, babe.
05:19You always wanted piano lessons.
05:21Carl, we're stretching every dollar a night.
05:23Nobody in this family can afford to learn anything.
05:28Sweetheart, that's the beauty of it.
05:30These lessons are free.
05:32How come?
05:33Well, I nabbed the purse snatcher today.
05:34And the little old lady who owned the purse
05:36was so grateful,
05:37she offered me free piano lessons.
05:41Could you keep the enthusiasm down
05:43just a little, Harry?
05:47I'm sorry, honey.
05:48You're right.
05:50Besides,
05:51we've got this great piano over here,
05:53and I've always wanted to really learn
05:55how to play it.
05:56Well,
05:57now you can.
05:58Thank you, sweetheart.
06:00Have I made you happy, hon?
06:01Yes, you have.
06:03How happy?
06:07You'll never know,
06:08because I have to go pick up the kids.
06:22Steve.
06:24No, Steve,
06:25you can't come over now.
06:26I'm studying.
06:28No,
06:28I don't want to hear the rap song you wrote.
06:32Steve.
06:34Steve.
06:35Hello?
07:00I'm here to deliver a rapping telegram.
07:03To me, it's longer and wind blow.
07:04Oh, my honey lamp.
07:05She's been after the dance
07:06by all the hunks and down.
07:07She just turns up her nose
07:09and turns on down.
07:10She could go with Steve.
07:11It would really be, huh?
07:12Because he would jump her door
07:13and get his shorts in a night.
07:14So he's asking again,
07:16bent it on one knee.
07:17Oh, Lord,
07:17my pet,
07:18won't you please go with me?
07:24I told you no,
07:25so I'll be more graphic.
07:26Go out that door
07:27and go play in some traps.
07:36Laura, I've asked you to the dance 26 times
07:39and you've shot me down 26 times.
07:41Now, I'm asking you one final time
07:43because I absolutely refuse to beg.
07:49Will you go to the dance with me?
07:52No.
07:52Please, Laura!
07:55Please!
07:56Please!
07:57No, Laura!
07:59If you don't leave,
08:00I'll just drag you into the backyard
08:02and turn the guard hose on you
08:04and you know what that's like.
08:10That won't be necessary.
08:12After all,
08:13I have my dignity.
08:16Look, Steve,
08:17I'm not saying no
08:18because I don't want to go with you.
08:20That's just one of the reasons.
08:22Ow.
08:23I'm hoping Ted Curran will ask me.
08:26Ted Curran?
08:27You mean the good-looking
08:28popular jock with straight A's?
08:30Yeah.
08:31Well, what are you seeing that loser?
08:35I like him.
08:36A lot.
08:38Well,
08:39what are you going to do
08:40if this Curran character
08:41doesn't ask you?
08:42Then I won't go.
08:43But, Laura,
08:44you have to.
08:45You were nominated
08:45for homecoming queen.
08:47I don't care.
08:48If I can't go to the dance with Ted,
08:50then I won't go at all.
08:51I refuse to settle for second best.
08:58I understand.
09:00That's the way I feel about you.
09:11Okay, men.
09:12Get in the showers.
09:19Curran,
09:20a moment of your time, please.
09:22What is it, Urkel?
09:24Look,
09:24this won't take long.
09:26I just want to know
09:27who you're taking
09:27to the homecoming dance.
09:29I haven't asked anyone yet.
09:31Well,
09:32how do you feel
09:33about Laura Winslow?
09:34How do I feel?
09:36Oh, man,
09:37she's the prettiest girl
09:37in the school.
09:38I'd love to take her,
09:40but I heard she's turned down
09:41every guy who's asked.
09:42Well,
09:43if you ask her,
09:44she won't turn you down.
09:46Really?
09:47How do you know?
09:48I just know, okay?
09:49Okay.
09:52I'm sorry.
09:53I occasionally suffer
09:54from irregularity.
09:58Oh, this is great.
09:59This is great.
10:00I'll ask her today.
10:02Excellent.
10:04Wait a minute.
10:05Urkel,
10:06why are you doing this?
10:07I mean,
10:07everybody knows
10:08you're crazy about Laura.
10:10Ironic, isn't it?
10:12But Laura wants
10:13to go with you,
10:13and all I care about
10:15is her happiness.
10:17Wow.
10:19You're like some kind
10:20of nerd saint.
10:35Hey,
10:35sorry I can't be here
10:36for your first piano lesson,
10:38but the fuzzballs
10:39just couldn't do
10:40without old
10:40Master Blaster Winslow.
10:51Good evening.
10:52Is Harriet Winslow here?
11:03Who wants to know?
11:05Oscar Marlissette.
11:06I'm here to give Harriet
11:07a piano lesson.
11:10Oh, no, you're not.
11:13A sweet little old lady
11:14is supposed to do that.
11:15What have you done with her?
11:17Well, if you're referring
11:18to my mother,
11:18I'll be taking over
11:19her lessons for a while.
11:20She came down
11:21with a terrible cold
11:21that she caught
11:22from some overweight cop.
11:31I see.
11:32Well, I'm Carl Winslow,
11:34and this is your student,
11:36my wife, Harriet.
11:39Hello, Mr. Marlissette.
11:40Oh, please.
11:40Call me Oscar.
11:41Oscar.
11:42Shall we begin?
11:43Uh, yeah, certainly.
11:49I'll get this for you.
11:53You're welcome.
11:54Well, I'm off.
11:56Okay.
11:56Now, just don't worry
11:58about this.
11:58It must be good for you.
12:00All right.
12:00Anybody?
12:00I said, I'm off.
12:03Okay, bye, Carl.
12:04Goodbye.
12:05Now, please,
12:06place your hands
12:06on the keyboard.
12:08Now, let me put my hands
12:09on yours
12:10to help you find
12:10the proper notes.
12:12This is middle C.
12:14Am I crowding you?
12:15Oh, no, not at all.
12:21What is that lovely fragrance?
12:23Arpege?
12:24Chanel?
12:25Barbecued chicken.
12:27With a splash
12:28of tub and tire cleaner.
12:31You have a wonderful
12:33sense of humor.
12:34That's very rare
12:35in a beautiful woman.
12:37Okay.
12:41I'm not going bowling.
12:45You're not?
12:46How come?
12:47I'm sick.
12:51Sneeze, sneeze.
12:53I think I'm having
12:54a relapse
12:55of that overweight
12:56cop virus.
12:58Oh, that's too bad.
13:00Oh, isn't it, though?
13:01But you just go right ahead
13:02with your piano lesson.
13:03I'll just sit right here
13:06and listen
13:07like a hawk.
13:18Oh, my God.
13:49Waldo, what's up?
13:51Were you dancing with Vicky and Mary Ann?
13:53Yeah.
13:55Which one of them is your date?
13:57They both are.
13:59Why did you bring two girls to the dance?
14:01Well, I really like Vicky, but Mary Ann has a car.
14:05Waldo, that is a rotten thing to do.
14:08Yeah, and it backfired.
14:10See, Mary Ann's car is a two-seater, so I had to take the bus.
14:21Mara, why, you look heartbreakingly beautiful tonight.
14:27So, are you having a good time with Dad?
14:30Absolutely.
14:30This is the best night of my entire life.
14:33This is like a dream come true.
14:39I'm sorry, Steve.
14:41Hey, it's okay.
14:43I'm happy for you.
14:45In a heart-sick, gut-wrenching, near-suicidal sort of way.
14:56Laura, would you like to dance?
14:58Sure.
15:27Laura, I'm having a great time.
15:30Me, too.
15:31And to think that I almost didn't ask you.
15:34I'm sure hoping you would.
15:35Oh, I had cold feet until Steve proved me in.
15:40Steve?
15:41Yeah, he said if I asked you, he'd probably say yes.
15:46But that makes no sense.
15:49Steve is obsessed with me.
15:51He freaks out when I even mention another guy.
15:54Well, you said he realized that going to the dance with me would make you happy.
15:58And that's all he really cares about.
16:02Steve said that?
16:05Steve Miracle?
16:06Yeah?
16:08Yeah.
16:17I don't believe it.
16:18Only one lesson and already I can play itsy-bitsy spot.
16:24Well, you are exceptional.
16:28You know, Harry, that I've taught piano for over 14 years.
16:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:33Good night.
16:36Good night, Oscar.
16:37Thank you again here.
16:38You're welcome.
16:39And if you ever need to-
16:44How about a snack?
16:45Carl Winslow, have you lost your mind?
16:48Oh, come on, Harry.
16:49One sandwich won't hurt.
16:50I'm not talking about that.
16:51I'm talking about your rude, childish behavior this evening.
16:57Oh, you mean with Oscar Busy Fingers Mommozette?
17:02Busy Fingers?
17:03Harry, and he was all over you.
17:05Groping and pawing and touching.
17:07He was not.
17:12Let me place my hands on yours to help you find the proper key.
17:17What's that lovely fragrance that you're wearing?
17:21Give me a break.
17:24Carl, you're doing it again.
17:26Every time somebody looks at me cross-eyed, you go bananas.
17:29You've got to stop being so jealous.
17:31That piano guy was making moves on my wife.
17:34Harry, he was trying to get you between the sheet music.
17:38With you sitting right here watching?
17:42Well, those musicians are kinky.
17:48I don't know, Harriet.
17:50You're a beautiful, vibrant, terrific woman.
17:55And frankly, I'm scared.
17:58Scared of what?
18:00Well, that some guy who's younger and thinner and more handsome is going to come along and steal you away
18:10from me.
18:12Carl, that will never happen.
18:16It won't?
18:17I make the choice of who I want to be with, and I choose you.
18:21Thanks, honey.
18:36Hello?
18:39Is this the car on?
18:41Good.
18:43Students, tonight our football team was magnificent.
18:48They ran.
18:50They passed.
18:51There was no stopping them.
18:53But then the other team showed up.
18:57You know the rest.
18:59Well, now, it's time to announce our homecoming queen.
19:11Would the three nominees kindly haul their butts up here?
19:30This year, the Vanderbilt homecoming queen is Laura Winslow.
19:55Congratulations, Laura.
19:58Keep it short.
20:02Oh, thank you, everybody.
20:04I...
20:05Okay, that was beautiful.
20:08But now it's time for the queen's dance.
20:12Who's the lucky young man, Laura?
20:27This dance goes to the one guy who's always treated me like a queen.
20:33Steve Ripple.
20:34Steve Ripple.
20:35Oh, thank you.
21:09If man, he can't see it, she can do no wrong, turn his back on his best friend if he
21:20put her down.
21:23When a man loves a woman, he can do her no wrong, he can never hold her again.
21:36Yes, we're in our family!
21:46We're in our family!
21:50We're in our family!
22:06We're in our family!
22:08We're in our family!
22:16We're in our family!
22:46We're in our family!
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