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00:05Screwdriver, screwdriver, pliers, pliers, no, no, no, eject, eject, eject, eject, eject,
00:17eject. I found your problem. Your shielded cable is crossed with your power line, but don't
00:31worry, I fixed it. All right, let her rip, Carl. Did I do that?
00:55It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
01:02The love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder to find.
01:10Well then, there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
01:17Cause all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every scene.
01:26As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with happiness.
01:33The moon may dry, but we'll smother the blues with tenderness.
01:40As days go by, there's room for you, room for me.
01:46For gentle hearts and opportunity. As days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
02:06Human fluff,AMA GONZALEZE
02:09Hi, everybody!
02:12Got anything in the fridge?
02:15Urkel, don't your parents feed you?
02:17Not every day.
02:25Purple, cut it out.
02:27Sorry, just a little phlegm.
02:30Anybody else hungry?
02:32Not anymore.
02:35Ooh, anchovy paste.
02:39I have to keep my blood sugar up.
02:41I haven't eaten since breakfast.
02:43What about lunch?
02:45Well, actually, I haven't eaten lunch.
02:48Every day in the cafeteria,
02:49I'm accosted by this bully
02:51who takes all my money.
02:53So I don't give it to him.
02:54You don't know Bull Wesson.
02:56He'll rip off my face
02:58and add it to his collection.
03:01Unless, of course,
03:02I had a big friend to protect me.
03:05A big strapping kid
03:08who could scare this guy away.
03:10You know anybody big like that?
03:13Big guy?
03:17Oh, no.
03:18There's no way that I'm gonna be seen
03:20hanging around with you.
03:22I'll pay you.
03:23How much?
03:25Ten bucks.
03:27Ten bucks, huh?
03:30Okay, Steve, I'll do it.
03:32Great!
03:33Once Bull see that you're my bodyguard,
03:35he'll leave me alone.
03:37Protecting one seventh grader from another.
03:39This is gonna be the easiest ten bucks I ever made.
03:43Great.
03:44I guess I'll go home and make myself a sandwich.
03:46You haven't lived till you've had
03:48anchovy paste on a dog biscuit.
04:02I've got an extra red sock.
04:04And I've got an extra green one.
04:06Close enough.
04:10Car can wear these for Christmas.
04:13Quick, turn on the TV.
04:15What's going on?
04:15I'm on the news.
04:17Hey, kids, come on downstairs.
04:19Channel 13.
04:20The suspect was apprehended without...
04:22Hey, now, what's up?
04:23Now let's join Nick Murphy...
04:24Dad's on the news!
04:26So tell us what happened, Sergeant Winslow.
04:28Well, I went into the bank to get changed for a dollar.
04:31And then I noticed everybody was standing like this.
04:33So that's when you knew there was a holdup?
04:35Well, it was either a holdup
04:36or they were playing Simon Says.
04:39So that's when you arrested the suspect for bank robbery?
04:42No, for cutting in front of me in the line.
04:45He's funny.
04:46And I'm Nick Murphy, reporting for Channel 13.
04:49Hi, Mama.
04:51Hi, Carl.
04:52My son's a star.
04:57I hope the girls in my canasta club are watching.
05:01You look great on TV, Dan.
05:03Thanks.
05:03Channel 13 thought so, too.
05:05That's why they're giving me a tryout
05:07as their afternoon traffic reporter.
05:09Oh, that's great, Carl!
05:10Hey, and if I do well on Friday's 4 o'clock news,
05:13the job is mine.
05:15Right!
05:16Does that mean you're giving up being a police officer?
05:19Well, no, Mama.
05:20It's just a part-time thing
05:21that somebody from the police department does.
05:23This is exciting.
05:24Having Dad on TV?
05:26Yeah.
05:26It's just like when Charlie Brock's father was on television.
05:30It's hardly the same thing.
05:31Charlie Brock's father was indicted.
05:34You know, Carl,
05:35the last traffic officer on Channel 13 was funny.
05:38Now, if you're going to replace Officer Bud,
05:41you're going to need some jokes and a new name.
05:44Well, what's wrong with Carl?
05:46I don't know.
05:47It just doesn't pop.
05:48It doesn't sizzle.
05:49Carl doesn't say traffic.
05:51It says farm report.
05:56Rachel,
05:57Carl was my great-grandfather's name,
05:59and there's no way that I'm going to change it.
06:02Your great-grandfather's name was Lester.
06:06Carl was his horse.
06:14I had my first allergy attack when I was nine.
06:17I was on the bus on the way to day camp
06:19when all of a sudden my eyes started to water,
06:21and I started coughing up all this green stuff.
06:25Or was it yellow?
06:28Mucus comes in so many colors.
06:32Steve,
06:33I'm trying to eat.
06:35What'd I say?
06:37Look,
06:38this bully is not going to show.
06:40He probably saw me and got scared off.
06:43Mission accomplished.
06:45Hey, uh...
06:46Well, I guess it's okay.
06:48Here's ten bucks.
06:50Thanks, Eddie.
06:51What?
06:52No tip.
06:54Man, I watched you eat.
06:57Sorry, I tried to keep my mouth closed.
07:00Hey, Rock!
07:02Wanna hang with me this afternoon?
07:05I'd rather eat dirt.
07:07You should try sand.
07:08It's a lot less binding.
07:17Hey, Rat Face.
07:22Hi, Bull.
07:23What a pleasant surprise.
07:27Gee, I love the schmooze,
07:28but you caught me at a bad time.
07:30Sit down.
07:32Give me my money.
07:34I don't have it.
07:35You don't have it?
07:38Uh, no.
07:42I want double tomorrow.
07:44And just to refresh my memory,
07:45what happens if I don't pay?
07:55Ooh, yeah!
08:03It's all coming back to me now.
08:08See you tomorrow,
08:09little four-eyed twerp.
08:14Bull?
08:16What?
08:19I'm not paying you anymore.
08:22Ooh.
08:23Uh-oh.
08:30What did you say?
08:32I'm not paying you.
08:37No one has ever said no
08:40to Bull, Wesson, and live.
08:43No.
08:45I'll see you here
08:47after school tomorrow, shrimp.
08:49You pay me then,
08:50or we fight.
08:52Uh-oh.
09:08Irkle!
09:08You can't fight that guy.
09:09He's a psycho.
09:10He'll kill you.
09:12I may be small,
09:14but I'm wiry.
09:15He can give me his best punch,
09:17and I can take it.
09:18Okay, Irk.
09:21Ow.
09:23I think you broke my arm.
09:38Mama.
09:39Huh?
09:40I don't know why anybody
09:41would want my autograph.
09:42I'm not a TV star yet.
09:43Oh, don't worry, son.
09:45You will be.
09:46Ooh, Joyce is gonna love this.
09:48She's gonna put it
09:49right next to her
09:51autographed picture
09:51of Willard Scott.
09:58Okay, Carl.
09:59Time to rehearse
10:00tomorrow's traffic report.
10:02Well, Rachel,
10:03I just kind of thought
10:03I'd wing it, you know?
10:05See, that's a big mistake.
10:06You gotta be prepared.
10:08Here.
10:08I wrote some one-liners
10:09covering every possible
10:11traffic condition.
10:12Rachel, Carl has enough
10:13to worry about.
10:14He doesn't need your help.
10:15Hey, I'm a professional writer.
10:17A couple of jokes
10:18wouldn't hurt, Harriet.
10:19That's right.
10:20And this is funny stuff.
10:21Listen.
10:25There's an accident
10:26on the expressway.
10:27Paramedics are on the scene.
10:29And speaking of
10:30medical personnel,
10:31a guy walks into
10:32the doctor's office.
10:33The doctor says,
10:35I've got good news
10:35and bad news.
10:36The good news is
10:37you've got 48 hours
10:38to live.
10:39The guy says,
10:40what's the bad news?
10:41The doctor says,
10:42I forgot to call you
10:43yesterday.
10:55What has bad
10:56got to do with traffic?
10:58Look, Harriet,
10:59I know what I'm doing.
11:00Show business is my life.
11:02Go ahead, Carl.
11:03Try one.
11:04Oh, okay.
11:04Take the stage.
11:10There's a stall car
11:11on the expressway
11:12and it's smoking badly.
11:14And speaking of smoke,
11:15what do Smokey the Bear,
11:17Catherine the Great,
11:18and Billy the Kid
11:18have in common?
11:21They all have the same
11:22middle name,
11:24The...
11:33What, don't you get it,
11:34Harriet?
11:35Oh, yeah, I get it.
11:36I just don't want it
11:37in my living room.
11:46So then,
11:47Urkel told Bull
11:48he wasn't going to give
11:49him any more money.
11:50Bull's going to kill him.
11:52Come on.
11:53Nobody's going to get hurt.
11:54We're talking about
11:55two seventh graders.
11:57Yeah, but Bull's been
11:58in the seventh grade
11:59since the Carter
12:00administration.
12:02Get real.
12:04No, I saw him, Eddie.
12:06He's at least 17
12:07and he's mean.
12:09They don't call him Bull
12:10because he works
12:11for Merrill Lynch.
12:14You know,
12:16in a strange sort of way,
12:17I think I just
12:18might miss Urkel.
12:22Hi, guys.
12:24Forget I said that.
12:30Laura,
12:31this is for you.
12:32I want you to have
12:33something to remember
12:33me by.
12:35It's not alive,
12:36is it?
12:37No,
12:38it's a necklace.
12:39I was going to give it
12:40to you on our wedding night,
12:41but it looks like
12:42I'll be
12:43dead.
12:49Erkel,
12:51what is this?
12:52My retainer.
12:56I had it bronzed.
12:57You see that little lump
12:58right there in the front?
12:59Oh, it's a sesame seed.
13:01I never could dislodge it.
13:04I'll treasure this.
13:05Any chance
13:07I could get a kiss
13:08goodbye?
13:10Urkel,
13:11I'm wearing your teeth.
13:13That's enough.
13:15Steve,
13:16you don't stand a chance
13:18against this guy.
13:18I don't see what
13:19getting beat up
13:19is going to prove.
13:22That's because
13:22you don't know
13:23what it's like
13:24being small.
13:25No one's ever
13:26called you shrimp.
13:28Big guys have never
13:29played keep away
13:30with your hat
13:31on a cold day.
13:32During the class picture,
13:34you don't have
13:35to sit with
13:35the girls
13:36in the front row
13:37and hold up
13:38the class sign.
13:39And most of all,
13:41you don't have
13:42to deal with bullies.
13:44I mean,
13:45I'm a fast runner,
13:46Eddie,
13:46but sooner or later,
13:48you just gotta
13:49stop running.
13:51Oh!
14:04Dad?
14:06Can I talk to you
14:07for a second?
14:07Sure, son.
14:08What's on your mind?
14:10Well,
14:11tomorrow after school
14:12at Leroy's,
14:13Steve Urkel's
14:13gonna get beat up.
14:16What did he do?
14:18Nothing.
14:19There's just this big guy
14:20who doesn't like him,
14:21and he keeps
14:22taking his lunch money.
14:24Urkel finally decided
14:25to stand up to him.
14:27So now you
14:28want to get involved?
14:29Dad,
14:30I don't know.
14:32Is that the right
14:33thing to do?
14:35Well,
14:36it might be.
14:38Urkel doesn't strike me
14:39as the kind of guy
14:39that can defend himself.
14:41So you're saying
14:42that I should step in?
14:43Not necessarily.
14:45So you're saying
14:46I should let Urkel
14:47fight his own fight?
14:48I didn't say that.
14:50Dad,
14:51is it me
14:52or are you
14:52not making any sense?
14:54Sonny,
14:55it's very simple.
14:57You're dealing
14:58with a bully here,
14:59and most bullies
15:00are cowards at heart.
15:01That's why
15:02they pick on a little guy.
15:03So if a big guy
15:04like yourself
15:05stands up to a bully,
15:06they usually back down.
15:08So you're saying
15:09that if I just show up,
15:10the guy might see me
15:11and chicken out?
15:13I didn't say that.
15:15Dad,
15:15I don't get it.
15:16I mean,
15:17should I defend Urkel
15:18or not?
15:19Well,
15:20that depends.
15:21On what?
15:22On whether or not
15:23you believe
15:23there are people
15:24out there
15:24who should be protected
15:25because they can't
15:26protect themselves.
15:29Do you believe that?
15:31I sure do.
15:32That's why
15:33I became a cop.
15:35Look, Eddie,
15:35I know you came to me
15:37for a simple
15:37yes or no answer,
15:39but I honestly
15:40can't give you that
15:40to tell you
15:41whether you should
15:41get involved
15:42in somebody else's
15:43fight or not.
15:44That's a judgment call
15:45you're going to have
15:45to make on your own.
15:48I just want to do
15:49the right thing.
15:50I know that you will.
15:57There are chances
15:58of scattered showers
16:00throughout the
16:00tri-state region.
16:01Oh,
16:02oh,
16:02come on,
16:02guys,
16:02come on,
16:03this is it.
16:04Connie Toyota
16:05is doing the weather.
16:06Traffic is next.
16:08Oh,
16:08I hope Carl
16:09comes to his senses
16:09and dumps
16:10those stupid jokes.
16:12I'll pretend
16:13I didn't hear that.
16:15I'm so excited.
16:17The last time
16:17I saw Carl perform
16:19it was in a school
16:20play on dental hygiene.
16:23He played
16:23Mr. Tooth Decay.
16:37Okay,
16:38we got 30 seconds
16:39to air, Carl.
16:39How are you doing?
16:40Just great.
16:41Look,
16:41I got a million
16:42traffic jokes.
16:43You want to hear one?
16:43Jokes?
16:44Didn't anyone tell you
16:45that's what got
16:45Officer Bud fired?
16:47What?
16:47Well,
16:47that's all I've got.
16:48Here we go.
16:49We're ready.
16:49Let's clear the set.
16:50And in five,
16:52four,
16:52three,
16:53two.
16:54And now,
16:55with this afternoon's
16:56traffic report,
16:56here's Officer Carl Winslow.
17:04Hi.
17:06I'm Officer Carl Winslow
17:08with the afternoon
17:09traffic report.
17:11Oh,
17:12and speaking of traffic,
17:16sorry,
17:17sorry,
17:17Connie.
17:19Speaking of pain
17:21and suffering,
17:23this guy
17:24asked his doctor
17:25if he has 48 hours
17:26to live.
17:28And his doctor says,
17:29you should have
17:30asked me yesterday.
17:33That's not right.
17:35He's dying.
17:38That's because
17:39he's mangling
17:40my jokes.
17:42Anybody mind
17:44if I change
17:44the channel?
17:46Not yet.
17:48Come on,
17:49Carl.
17:49Just be yourself.
17:50I know you can do it.
17:51Oh,
17:52oh,
17:52oh,
17:52oh,
17:52I got it now.
17:53I got it now.
17:53See,
17:54this doctor
17:55and his patient
17:56walk into this bar.
17:58See,
17:58and,
17:59hi.
18:00Read this.
18:04There's an overturned
18:05tanker on
18:06the Stevenson Expressway
18:07near Cicero Boulevard.
18:09Traffic is blocked
18:10in both directions.
18:11If you're heading
18:11into downtown,
18:12take the service road.
18:14Wait a minute,
18:15you can't take
18:15the service road.
18:16They're repairing that.
18:17If you take it,
18:18you'll be stuck there
18:19for a month.
18:23Here's your overturned
18:25tanker.
18:26Your best bet
18:27is to get off
18:28at Central,
18:29continue east
18:30until you come
18:31to Archer.
18:31You can't miss it
18:32because right on the corner
18:33there's a Don's
18:34Donut Shop.
18:36And if you got a minute,
18:37drop in.
18:38They got the best
18:39crullers in town.
18:41Way to go,
18:42Carl.
18:42I knew you could do it
18:43if it just for yourself.
18:45That's my son.
18:47Well,
18:48I got my pen out.
18:49Let me show you
18:49back way
18:50into Wrigley Field.
19:02Did all you people
19:03come here
19:04just to see
19:04a bloodbath?
19:06That's why I'm here.
19:07What about you guys?
19:08Yeah.
19:15Steve,
19:16you can still
19:17back out,
19:17you know.
19:18No,
19:19I've made up my mind.
19:21A man's got to do
19:23what a man's got to do.
19:26Yeah,
19:27but what are you
19:28going to do?
19:42Good afternoon,
19:44bull.
19:45You're looking
19:46dapper as usual.
19:49I'm going to give you
19:51one last chance,
19:52weasel.
19:53Hand over the money.
19:55Sorry, bull,
19:57but the bank is closed.
20:02Okay.
20:03Nice knowing you,
20:04dweeb.
20:06Hold it!
20:13The fight's over, bull.
20:16This has nothing
20:17to do with you.
20:18This is between me
20:19and the dork.
20:21Butt out.
20:23Well,
20:24as long as Eddie's here,
20:25let's be open
20:25to his input.
20:28Bull,
20:29we all know
20:30that you're tough,
20:31man.
20:31You don't have to
20:32beat up on Urkel
20:33just to prove it.
20:34I mean,
20:35he's a small,
20:36defenseless,
20:37puny,
20:37pathetic,
20:38weak,
20:39wimpy,
20:39squatty little...
20:40Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
20:40Eddie, Eddie.
20:41I think you made
20:42your point.
20:46Okay.
20:48He's off the hook.
20:50But you,
20:52you're a dead man.
20:58Okay.
21:03All right.
21:05I'll leave him alone.
21:09Yeah!
21:14You saved my life, Eddie.
21:17Yeah,
21:18I did.
21:19That means we're
21:20best friends,
21:21buddies,
21:22pals,
21:22amigos,
21:23goombas.
21:26Steve,
21:27don't make me regret
21:28that I did this.
21:30Oh, Eddie,
21:31you were wonderful.
21:32I'm proud of you, Eddie.
21:34All right, everybody,
21:36let's celebrate.
21:37Drinks on me!
21:38Yeah!
21:45I love you,
21:46crazy guys!
21:53What are you doing here?
21:58Well,
21:59I was on my way home
22:00from the TV studio,
22:02and I decided to,
22:03uh,
22:05stop in for a little snack.
22:06Coffee, please.
22:07Yeah?
22:08So how'd the
22:09traffic report go?
22:10Well,
22:10a little shaky at first,
22:11but, uh,
22:12I got the job.
22:13Great!
22:14Hey,
22:15can you introduce me
22:15to Connie Toyota?
22:17Well,
22:17I'm, uh,
22:18not exactly on her
22:19good side at the moment.
22:23So,
22:24did anything
22:26interesting
22:26happen around here today?
22:29Dad,
22:31you came here
22:31to check up on me,
22:32didn't you?
22:33You were worried
22:34about the fight.
22:36Fight?
22:37Was that today?
22:39Yeah,
22:40but I talked the bully
22:41out of hitting our bull.
22:42Oh,
22:43he backed down
22:44just like I said.
22:45No,
22:46he came after me.
22:48I had to fight him.
22:49Are you okay?
22:50Yeah,
22:51I'm fine.
22:52In fact,
22:52I feel pretty good
22:53about myself.
22:55Son,
22:57I'm proud of you.
22:59But,
23:00I don't want you
23:00to think that fighting
23:01is always the answer.
23:03Oh,
23:04I know,
23:04Dad,
23:05but it really
23:05wasn't much of a fight.
23:07You hit him once
23:07and he went down.
23:08Oh,
23:09was it that famous
23:10Winslow punch
23:11I taught you?
23:12I don't know.
23:13Just closed my eyes
23:14and swung.
23:15That's the one.
23:16I don't know.
23:17No.
23:18Oh, my God.
23:48Oh, my God.
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