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00:13Munchies, comfy couch, no control.
00:27Ah, the good life.
00:33Okay, Mom, bring it in.
00:35All right, sweetheart.
00:37Be careful, Harry.
00:38Yeah, okay.
00:44Wait a minute.
00:46Harriet, I am trying to watch the football game.
00:50Look at my new playhouse.
00:52Yeah, this baby is really loaded.
00:54It's got a table, a phone, a swinging door.
00:56A mortgage.
00:58Good luck putting it together, Uncle Carl.
01:00Oh, Harriet.
01:03Please, Uncle Carl.
01:07Richie, I'll put it together after the game.
01:10How long is that?
01:12Three hours.
01:13I'll be too big for it by then.
01:18But, Richie, it's the Bears and the Vikings.
01:22Please, Uncle Carl, I love you.
01:25A bushel and a peck and a hiler and the neck.
01:32Okay, okay.
01:35I've never had a chance.
01:36Uh-uh.
01:49It's a rare condition, this day and age,
01:52to read any good news on the newspaper page.
01:56And love and tradition of the grand design,
01:59some people say it's even harder to find.
02:03Well, then, there must be some magic clue
02:07inside these gentle walls.
02:11Because all I see is a tower of dreams,
02:15real love bursting out of everything.
02:22We're going to fill our house with happiness.
02:27The moon may dry, but we'll smother the blues with tenderness.
02:33The days go by, there's room for you, room for me,
02:40for gentle hearts and opportunity.
02:44The days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
02:51The days go by, it's the good news.
03:21like everybody else.
03:24Steve, I'm in no mood for this.
03:27Why the sourpuss, my portly-pouty pal?
03:32Well, I have to assemble this, uh, playhouse for Richie.
03:36Oh, you want some help?
03:37No, no thanks.
03:38I mean, it's just a kid's toy.
03:40How hard can it be?
03:44Yikes.
03:46No problem, Emo.
03:47Well, just put yourself in the hands of Master Builder Urkel.
03:53Okay, you read the instructions while I'll add all the pieces.
03:56Okay.
04:10What are you babbling about?
04:12This page is in Korean.
04:14They misspelled three words.
04:19You can read Korean.
04:21Why, sure, it's a beautiful language.
04:24I'll teach you.
04:25We'll start with a common Korean phrase.
04:34But what's that mean?
04:35I've fallen and I can't get up.
04:43I'll get us some tools.
04:44You, uh, lay out all the pieces.
04:47I've fallen and I can't get up.
04:54Harriet, maybe I shouldn't have asked Carl to build Richie's playhouse.
04:58After all, he's not exactly Mr. Fix-It.
05:01That's not the truth.
05:03Remember last month he installed that extra light socket?
05:05It works perfectly.
05:08That's true.
05:09And his eyebrows have just about grown back.
05:13Hey, Jolene, I got a chest hair update for you.
05:17I'm up to a dozen.
05:19By this summer, I should be a rug.
05:25Attention, everybody.
05:26I can't find my screwdriver.
05:30I didn't take it.
05:31Me neither.
05:41Excuse me.
05:44Excuse me.
05:45Dad, I'm in the middle of a very important conversation.
05:50Binky Bear can't wait to see his winky bear.
05:55Edward, have you seen my Phillips screwdriver?
05:59Uh, yeah.
05:59Last week I used it to fix my bike.
06:01Well, where is it now?
06:03Dad, I don't know.
06:04I'm busy here.
06:08Sorry, Winky Bear.
06:09But Binky Bear has to talk to Papa Bear.
06:11Bye-bye.
06:13Dad, I can't believe you just did that.
06:15Edward, what did you do with my screwdriver?
06:18I don't remember.
06:19You don't remember?
06:20Why can't you remember where you put one little screwdriver?
06:23Because that's not important.
06:25So give me a break, okay?
06:27Okay.
06:31Edward, I have told you a thousand times that when you borrow my tools, you put them back
06:38where they belong.
06:39Okay, okay.
06:40Son, you know better than to misplace my tools.
06:44How?
06:45My dad misplaced one of his tools once.
06:48Boy, was he upset.
06:49Well, of course, he's a brain surgeon.
06:51So it's tough wondering which of your patients has a clamp in his cranium.
06:57Steve, this is a family discussion.
07:00And I'm darn proud to be part of it.
07:03Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
07:07Edward, I want to know where my screwdriver is.
07:11Dad, I don't know where it is.
07:13Look, I'll buy you a new one.
07:14Edward, I can do that myself.
07:16Great.
07:17Thanks, Dad.
07:18Hold it.
07:20Edward, you are still missing the point here.
07:23What is the point?
07:24The point is that this screwdriver incident is just another example of your total lack
07:30of respect for people and their property.
07:32It is?
07:34Yes, it is.
07:35You start off by forgetting screwdrivers.
07:37The next thing you know, you're dropping out of school.
07:39You can't get a job.
07:41And you wind up wearing a cardboard belt and selling your blood for a bowl of soup.
07:46What kind of soup?
07:49What difference does that make?
07:50Well, I don't know.
07:51It's your story.
07:55Uh, I gotta get going.
07:56Oh, wait.
07:57Edward, we are not through here.
07:59But, Dad, I have to get ready for my date.
08:01No, you don't.
08:02You're grounded.
08:05What?
08:06Over a stupid screwdriver?
08:08Son, it is not the screwdriver.
08:10It is your attitude that I don't like.
08:12Well, maybe I don't like your attitude.
08:16Oh, uh-oh.
08:20All right, that's it.
08:21Go to your room.
08:22Look, Dad, I'm...
08:23Go!
08:25Oh!
08:28Uh...
08:28Carl, how about a little transcendental meditation?
08:33As the great Maharishi Moskowitz once said...
08:36Scram!
08:37Uh, that's not exactly what he said, but it's close enough.
08:59Eddie!
08:59Shh!
09:01Going someplace?
09:02Yes.
09:03I'm taking Joel into the concert.
09:05And your life in your hands.
09:07Eddie, Dad grounded you.
09:09If you leave, he'll kill you.
09:10Laura, it'll be worth it to see Jolene in her new miniskirt.
09:15Well, congratulations, Eddie.
09:17For what?
09:18You'll be making the license plate for your first car.
09:21Laura, thanks for your concern.
09:23But as I say in France, sayonara.
09:53Dad!
09:54Yeah. Hi.
09:56Hi.
09:57Hey, guys, you found that screwdriver.
10:00Yeah, well, actually, Urkel found it.
10:02He used his metal detector and combed our backyard.
10:05He found the screwdriver, 38 cents, and a mood ring.
10:11Great.
10:13So where were you?
10:16I was in the garage looking for the screwdriver.
10:21Really?
10:21Really? So is this your, uh, screwdriver hunting outfit?
10:26Well, I, I...
10:27Lipstick on the collar?
10:32Edward.
10:33Yeah?
10:34Were you necking with the weed whacker again?
10:39Okay, Dad, I went to the concert with Jolene.
10:45You, uh, you really like that girl, don't you?
10:49I sure do, Dad.
10:54I hope she was worth dying for.
10:58Look, Dad.
10:59No, you look.
11:01Edward, I went up to your room to apologize, thinking maybe I was too rough on you.
11:06But judging from your behavior, I haven't been rough enough.
11:10Dad, you just don't understand.
11:11This date was really important to me tonight.
11:14Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself, son, because you're not going to have another one for a very long time.
11:18You're grounded for one month.
11:19What?
11:20No way.
11:21Make that two months.
11:22What's going on in here?
11:24Mom, Dad's acting like a maniac again.
11:26Make that three months.
11:27How?
11:28Edward, let me tell you something.
11:29As long as you live under my roof, you will live by my roof.
11:34Then maybe I should just find another roof.
11:36Eddie!
11:37So you're moving out?
11:39Well, yeah.
11:40Well, fine.
11:41Fine!
11:41Fine!
11:42Fine!
11:42Fine!
11:46Is everything okay?
11:48Fine!
12:12Carl.
12:13Harry, I don't want to hear it.
12:15Where are you going to?
12:17This thing has gotten way out of hand.
12:19We can't let Eddie move out.
12:20Where's Eddie going?
12:22Nowhere.
12:22Go back to bed.
12:24Can I have his room?
12:26Go.
12:29Oh, guys, I feel terrible.
12:31This is all my fault.
12:32I should never have asked you to put together Richie's Playhouse.
12:35I'm his mother.
12:35It's my responsibility.
12:37Rachel.
12:37True, I'm no good at that sort of thing, but that's no excuse.
12:40We learn by doing.
12:41Rachel.
12:42But I didn't do, and now look what I've done.
12:44You're mad at Eddie.
12:45Eddie's mad at you.
12:46I'm mad at me.
12:47I tell you, this is a madhouse.
12:51This whole family has gone off the deep end.
12:55Carl, we can't let our son move out.
12:57Harriet, I will not tolerate outright disobedience.
13:02Now, I don't ask for much, but there's one thing I do demand, and that's respect.
13:06You know Eddie respects you.
13:08Harriet, the boy deliberately antagonizes me.
13:11He knows everything that gets my goat.
13:14Carl, be fair.
13:16Your goat's gotten older, and it's easier to get.
13:20Oh, sure.
13:21Take his side.
13:22There are no sides here.
13:24We're a family.
13:25Please go up and talk to Eddie and settle this.
13:28Harriet, he is the one who disobeyed.
13:30He is the one who wants to leave.
13:32So he is the one who has to come to me.
13:37Carl.
13:38Harriet, I have spoken.
13:46Whatever you say, King Carl.
13:50But if Prince Edward leaves this kingdom, you will be sleeping on the royal couch.
14:03Eddie, go back upstairs.
14:06Mom, I'm leaving, and don't try and talk me out of it.
14:10Oh?
14:11Well, where are you going?
14:14Someplace where they don't have any screwdrivers.
14:17Yeah, well, you know this fight's not about screwdrivers.
14:20It's because you disobeyed your father.
14:22Well, he didn't have to ground me.
14:24That was excessive punishment.
14:25Police brutality.
14:29I don't want you to do that.
14:31Don't worry, Mom.
14:32I'll be fine.
14:33So where will you sleep?
14:35I don't know.
14:35What do you do for money?
14:37I don't know.
14:38Then how will you buy food?
14:39I don't know.
14:41Well, at least you have a plan.
14:44Well, Mom, anything is better than staying here.
14:47Edward, your father's not that bad.
14:49Oh, really?
14:50Why don't you try living with him?
14:54But Dad drives me crazy.
14:56Did you ever stop to think that maybe you drive him crazy?
14:59Sure.
15:00Take his side.
15:02Eddie.
15:04You know your father loves you.
15:07Well, Mom, he sure doesn't act like it.
15:09No matter what I do, it's never good enough.
15:12He's always on my back.
15:14I don't even think he likes me.
15:20Wait here.
15:21I'll be right back.
15:30What are you doing?
15:31Come on, come on, come on.
15:32Carl, sit down.
15:33Edward, you two.
15:35Mom.
15:35Harriet, I'm not going to stand here.
15:37I'm not going to stand here.
15:37Mom.
15:37What?
15:40You know, the reason you two don't get along is because you're so much alike.
15:43No way.
15:45Look at this.
15:47The two most important men in my life acting like big babies.
15:50Well, he started it.
15:51Nuh-uh.
15:52Did too.
15:53Didn't.
15:53Did.
15:54And I didn't.
15:54Listen up, you two.
15:58Now, I want to tell you a story.
16:01Come on, Harry.
16:01Hold on.
16:06Now, this is a true story.
16:09It happened 16 years ago on January 28th, 1974.
16:17My birthday?
16:18Well, it wasn't supposed to be.
16:20But you were as impatient then as you are now.
16:25We had just moved into this house and we hadn't finished unpacking.
16:29It was 1.30 in the morning in the middle of a terrible snowstorm.
16:43Stop!
16:53You're forgetting two things.
16:54It was your wife and your pants.
16:57Oh, my God.
16:58I'm sorry, honey.
17:00Are you okay?
17:01Oh, yeah.
17:02I'm just swell.
17:03Come on.
17:04Let's go cut some lumber.
17:09It's a wonder you ever made a baby in the first place.
17:14Things went from bad to worse.
17:16We were completely snowed in.
17:18The phones were dead and we had no way to get to the hospital.
17:22So we did what anyone would do.
17:24We panicked.
17:26Carl.
17:27Relax.
17:28Okay.
17:28Relax.
17:29Relax.
17:30Yeah.
17:31Relax.
17:32Uh-huh.
17:32Now you're a cop.
17:33I'm a cop.
17:34You're trained to handle these kinds of things.
17:38I took a class once.
17:40The baby was plastic.
17:42I put him on the radiator and he melted.
17:47Tell me what you do.
17:49Go buy some water.
17:50Good idea.
17:50I could use some coffee.
17:52Oh, tea.
17:54Don't go.
17:56Sweetheart, I'll drink anything you want.
18:00Carl, Carl, the baby's coming.
18:27What else do you want me to do for you?
18:29Let's breathe.
18:30Huh?
18:30Let's breathe.
18:31Breathe, Carl.
18:33Okay.
18:33Breathe.
18:34Breathe.
18:34Okay.
18:37I love you, honey.
18:40I love you, too.
18:42But you're never touching me again.
18:51Finally, the phone started working again.
18:54And we called our doctor.
18:56He skied right over, just in time to be too late.
19:01Carl, you did a great job.
19:05Thanks, Doc.
19:07Your wife and your son are doing just fine.
19:10Thanks.
19:10Okay.
19:15Hello, Mom.
19:17Hello, Dad.
19:19Would you like to hold your son?
19:22Oh, yeah.
19:27Oh, yeah.
19:34Hello, Edward.
19:36I'm your dad.
19:42Isn't he beautiful.
19:43Isn't he beautiful?
19:43Oh, yeah.
19:45Looks just like you.
19:47I think he looks more like you.
19:50Yeah, he does.
19:51Yeah, he does.
19:53Edward.
19:55My son.
19:58What a wonderful word.
20:02You know, I'm real nervous right now.
20:06I've never been a father before.
20:09Then again, you've never been a son before.
20:12I'll tell you what.
20:14We learn together.
20:17I just want to tell you.
20:20I love you with all of my heart.
20:24I'll never forget how proud I am right now, son.
20:49Did you really say those things?
20:55Well, something like that.
21:02Dad, I'm sorry I disobeyed you.
21:05I shouldn't have snuck out.
21:08Well, I might have overreacted a little.
21:12I can promise you one thing.
21:13I'll never lose another screwdriver.
21:19You know, I remember once I used my father's hammer to mix a can of paint.
21:29At the time, he didn't think that hammers should be purple.
21:34Man.
21:36He grounded me for one whole week.
21:41Man, I thought he was the world's biggest jerk.
21:45Now look at me.
21:46I'm him.
21:49Well, Dad, if it makes you feel any better,
21:52one day I'll probably have a kid who'll drive me crazy, too.
21:57I sure hope so.
22:06Dad,
22:09I'd like to stay.
22:14I would like that, too, son.
22:16son of a friend.
22:43I would like that.
22:45Well, I would like that.
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