- 19 hours ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:07The End
01:32I know what's going to happen, you know.
01:34Hmm?
01:35Any minute now, there'll be clothes torn off, red hot passion, bodies writhing around the
01:40floor, you know, squeals of delight.
01:42In The Lone Ranger?
01:43Oh, no, no, no.
01:44You know, we'll turn the telly off first.
01:45No, we will not.
01:48I quite fancy the one who plays a strong, silent sheriff.
01:51Bent as a corkscrew.
01:53How do you know?
01:54Well, I don't really, but someone has to start these vicious rumours.
01:57Actually, you know, I've got my suspicions about that horse of his, too.
01:59Right.
02:00Oh, if we're going to have a running commentary, I might as well turn it on.
02:03Good thinking, brain.
02:04We watch too much television anyway.
02:06We can create our own boredom.
02:09Are you sure that telephone's working?
02:11A watch telephone never boils.
02:13Do you expect somebody to ring?
02:14Nobody.
02:16Oh, I suppose probably them now.
02:18No.
02:19Oh, it's just a better mark.
02:21I passed out this weekend.
02:22Oh.
02:23Well, you know, I feel the same.
02:25You know, he hasn't asked me out either.
02:27Look, perhaps he's working.
02:29He's a sort of an actor.
02:31Is he really?
02:31What does he do?
02:32Lots.
02:33You know that Ibsen play, Hedda Garbler, on the box last week?
02:36Well, he was the one that sprayed the deodorant and went, psst, ooh!
02:41In Hedda Garbler?
02:42Well, in the commercial in between.
02:44That's what he does.
02:45Yeah, he's an actor.
02:46I'm saying sort of armpit theatre.
02:49Please, please, please.
02:50No violence.
02:51Otherwise, I'll cut you out of my sexual fantasies.
02:55It's going to be a boring weekend here with you two.
02:59Hey, why don't we have a party?
03:01Yeah, that's a good idea.
03:02It's going to be a party, eh?
03:03We haven't had one for ages.
03:03We could get the booze on the slate.
03:05Yeah, we got the records.
03:06Yeah, roll back the cup and have a bit of dancing.
03:07Yeah, Mr Roper, banging on the ceiling by half ten.
03:10What?
03:10Well, you know what he was like last time.
03:12He was threatening to call the police by eleven.
03:14Oh, come on, he's not that bad.
03:15No one's got a good word for him.
03:17I have.
03:17I've got a very good word for him.
03:21Well, I think it's very nice of my sister and her husband to invite us, George.
03:25But, of course, if you don't want to go, you've only got to say so.
03:30I don't want to go.
03:31You're going.
03:33They only invite us when they've got something to swank about.
03:36Last year it was his garage door, radio controlled.
03:39Had to stand out in the pouring rain watching the rotten thing going up and down.
03:43I don't know why they invite us again, you know, George.
03:46After what you did in their fish tank.
03:51Well, well, there's all that cheap Spanish wine of theirs.
03:54Well, I mean, you didn't have to tip it in.
03:58Those poor little guppies were drunk for days.
04:01I'll be honest with you, Mildred, I don't like either of them.
04:04Well, I mean, you're just jealous.
04:06Me jealous?
04:07Listen, he may have his split-level bungalow in Pearlie, his Jaguar XJ6 and his holidays abroad,
04:12but is he happy?
04:13He's delirious, George.
04:16Yeah.
04:16Well, who wouldn't be with all that lot?
04:19Anyway, what happens if the pipes burst while we're away?
04:22Then there's Oscar.
04:23Well, he's not going to burst, is he?
04:25Anyway, I'll leave a key with a flat upstairs.
04:28Why can't they drive over here and visit us?
04:30Because he's lost his driving licence for a year.
04:33Well, that's no reason for...
04:34Has he?
04:36What for?
04:39Drinking and driving.
04:42It is no laughing matter, George.
04:44No, no, nothing.
04:48His garage door won't be going up and down.
04:52Oh, I shall enjoy discussing the matter with him.
04:54Might not be such a boring weekend after all.
04:59Boring, boring, boring.
05:01I'll tell you what, how would it be if we invited the Ropers to the party?
05:04Then they couldn't complain, could they?
05:05She's all right, but he's the kiss of death.
05:07I mean, when he walks into a room, you feel as if someone's just left.
05:13Tell me something.
05:14If I rang you up and asked you out, what would you think of me?
05:17I think you were daft, you're sitting next to me.
05:19Not you, Mark.
05:21If I phoned him up, would he lose respect for me?
05:23Never.
05:24If there's one thing a man respects, it's a pushover.
05:27I smell burning, that must be the food.
05:32Don't tell us, let's try and guess.
05:35Bacon.
05:35No, it's the oven glove.
05:37I left it underneath the grill.
05:39Master Joe, you're hopeless.
05:42Listen, you're not supposed to grill oven gloves.
05:44You're supposed to fry them.
05:46Oh, you're so witty.
05:48I'll tell you what, let's go down to the pub and have a sandwich, all right?
05:50You always say that when it's my turn to cook.
05:52Evening.
05:53Oh, hope I'm not intruding.
05:55No, no, no.
05:56We're just having a small but simple cremation service for a well-loved oven glove.
06:00Gone but not forgotten.
06:03Love, I wonder if you could you do me a little favour?
06:05Would you mind keeping an eye on the flat while we're away?
06:08What, you're going away?
06:09Oh, yes.
06:10Oh, just for the weekend.
06:11My sister's.
06:12She's got a new deep freeze.
06:14You can get a whole pig in it.
06:16Mr. Roper's going with you now.
06:19That's great.
06:20Well, if you're going to go away for the weekend, that means we can have a look after the flat
06:23for you.
06:23Oh, well, it's George, really, you know.
06:26I mean, he's terrified in case a badgie burst.
06:29Listen, when actually were you thinking of going?
06:32Oh, just as soon as we get the car started in the morning.
06:34Probably about midday.
06:36Listen, I'll see you, huh?
06:37Oh, thank you, love.
06:38Listen, that, sorry, that couldn't work out any better, could it, really?
06:40I mean, that's fantastic.
06:41That's absolutely fantastic.
06:43We're not immigrating, you know.
06:44I mean, we'll be back on Monday.
06:46Now, you leave it to us.
06:47We'll keep an eye out for any suspicious parties.
06:49Oh, thank you, love.
06:51Oh, that's great.
06:52Who are we going to invite?
06:54The most seductive, sensual, sexy bird you could wish to meet.
06:57Well, I'm coming anyway.
06:59No, no, no, Liz Martin, honestly, I really fancy my Chancellor with this one.
07:02She's built, she's built like, oh, hello, gorgeous.
07:05It's me.
07:06I've just been overcome by lust, and I have this crude proposition.
07:11Hello, hello, hello, Mrs. Martin.
07:16Could I, could I speak to Elizabeth, please?
07:22Well, that's 14 girls and 14 fellas so far.
07:30How great.
07:32Um, oh, Morris, we're having a party at our place tomorrow night, 8 o'clock.
07:37Can you and him come?
07:38Oh, super, yeah.
07:39Oh, I shall have to wash your hair.
07:42We do love a do.
07:44Okay, that's Morris and John.
07:46I don't know which column to put them in.
07:48Let's have another one.
07:50Six bottles of red wine, six bottles of white, and ten eight-pint cans of bitter.
07:54And one packet of crisps.
07:56Yes, well, you know, I hate drinking on an empty stomach.
07:59It's a lot on the slate, you know.
08:00I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll pay for the crisps.
08:05Yeah, look, we must have more fellas than girls, because I want them fighting over me.
08:10Oh, don't look now.
08:11But who's that that's just walked in?
08:12How can I tell you if I don't look?
08:15It's Mark.
08:16Don't look.
08:19Hello, Chrissie.
08:21Oh, hello.
08:23Um, um, Mark.
08:25You've been talking about him all afternoon.
08:30I've been meaning to ring you all day.
08:32The phone was busy.
08:34No, it wasn't.
08:35My phone.
08:37My phone was busy.
08:38My agent has been on at me all day to do this voiceover for a commercial for a freeze-dried
08:42pee.
08:43Here we are.
08:44I ask you, what does a pee sound like?
08:48Pardon?
08:49Oh, uh, Mark's Robin.
08:51Robin, this is Mark.
08:52Oh, Mark.
08:54Oh, Mark.
08:56Psst.
08:56Ooh.
08:57Yes, I do.
09:00Um, party tomorrow night, our place.
09:02Can you make it?
09:03Oh, I'll just check.
09:05Saturday, is that?
09:05Yeah.
09:06Well, get him a drink.
09:07Oh, yeah.
09:07So what do you want?
09:08Uh, Campari, please.
09:10Slim nine tonic.
09:11Just a shush of soda.
09:12No ice, and rub the rim of the glass with a little lemon rind.
09:19Jim.
09:20Jim.
09:22Could I have a Campari, a Slim nine tonic, a shush of soda, no ice, and if you could rub
09:27the glass round with a little bit of lemon rind?
09:29What?
09:30You're right.
09:30Make a hot drink.
09:33Oh, evening, son.
09:35Oh, hello.
09:36We'll keep an eye on the budgie for me, won't you, while he's away?
09:39Yeah.
09:39Because he's an affectionate little fella.
09:41He flies over and sits on my head.
09:43He flies over and slides off your edge, you mean.
09:48Evening, Mr. Tripp.
09:49Hello again.
09:50Listen, don't you worry, because, you know, I'll be in all weekend.
09:53No, not doing anything, then.
09:54No, not really.
09:55You know, I most probably do a bit of studying, you know, do a bit of reading.
09:59Huh?
10:00Six of red, six of white, and your ten gallons of beer in there.
10:05I might have a little drink.
10:09Girls, girls, can you come here, please?
10:15Now, listen to me.
10:18I'm cooking...
10:19I'm cooking pilot tonight, right?
10:22Onions, tomatoes, peppers, prawns, chickens, mussels, a clove of garlic, a pinch of saffron,
10:26long-grain rice.
10:27Ben's finest dish, a colouring masterpiece.
10:30So?
10:30And you expect me to serve them up on plates with Donald Duck on them?
10:34Some of them have got Popeye on.
10:36Oh, that's all right.
10:41Cheerio, little fella.
10:43I don't want to leave you like this, but these things happen.
10:47I'll see you soon.
10:48Try not to fret too much.
10:50Oh, my God.
10:53The cowboy's farewell to his badgie.
10:55Come on, George.
10:57Hey, did you lock the Colts head door?
10:59Well, I was going to, but it seemed a bit pointless,
11:01since it's hanging off his hinges.
11:02Right.
11:05Now, listen, girls.
11:07About tonight.
11:08Now, listen.
11:09Are we going to let people sort of go into the bedrooms?
11:13What for?
11:14Well, you know what these parties can develop into, you know, with a bit of luck.
11:18That's all you ever think about?
11:19Yes.
11:20Oh, no.
11:22Come on, be fair.
11:23Thinks about football and cooking as well?
11:25Oh, yes.
11:25If he could get his girlfriend on a gas stove in the middle of Wembley Stadium, he'd be away.
11:29Paradise!
11:32Hey, that sounds like old Roper.
11:35Huh?
11:35Yes, they're on the way.
11:36Oh, good, good, good.
11:37Now, girls, you realise that the two of you are completely alone with me?
11:42Yes, so we can do anything we like and no-one will hear your screams of anguish.
11:46Oh, and what were you thinking of my tempestuous beauty?
11:49I was thinking of eating your cheese dip.
11:50Do what?
11:50Oh, no, girls, come on.
11:52Come on.
11:53Come on.
11:54Come on.
11:54Come on.
11:55Come on.
11:55Come on.
11:58Come on.
11:59Come on.
12:00Come on.
12:00Come on.
12:01Come on.
12:02Come on.
12:04Come on.
12:04Come on.
12:05Come on.
12:06Come on.
12:06Come on.
12:06Come on.
12:06Come on.
12:07Come on.
12:07Come on.
12:08Come on.
12:12Come on.
12:18Come on.
12:30MUSIC PLAYS
12:56Hey, listen, I think this party's going to be a success.
12:59Someone's been sick in the bathroom already.
13:02You're a bit late for that, aren't you?
13:04Well, you can't make a punch with wine and beer, can you? I've been waiting for the chin.
13:08That's vodka.
13:10That's the same colour.
13:12Listen, what you need is a little fruit.
13:14Oh, you spoke.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:19Hello, Atta.
13:21Boris.
13:22Hello.
13:23It's a nice number you got on.
13:28I think yours is very nice too.
13:30Oh, ta.
13:32Listen, you haven't seen Liz, have you?
13:34Oh, well, I don't know. What does she look like?
13:36Well, she's sort of...
13:38LAUGHTER
13:40Do you like my dress?
13:42Yes.
13:43Do you think it gives me a sexy look, a bit like Susan George?
13:47Yeah.
13:49You say the nicest things.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:52You know, I auditioned for a crowd scene in Straw Dogs.
13:57Peckinpah and I just didn't hit it off.
14:00Er, excuse me.
14:01Oh, hello.
14:02Listen, you haven't seen Liz, have you?
14:03No.
14:04Oh, you can get me a drink while you're up.
14:05OK.
14:05No, no, no, no.
14:06Allow me.
14:08Martini, isn't it?
14:13What do you see in him?
14:15He happens to have a very loving disposition.
14:17No, but he wastes it on himself.
14:20He's got one thing you haven't got.
14:21What?
14:22Me.
14:36I've been waiting for you to arrive.
14:38Who are you?
14:40Liz.
14:42Poetry.
14:43Let me take your coat.
14:48Oh, Liz.
14:49Liz, great, you've made it.
14:50Hello, Robin.
14:50You know, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.
14:54Yes, you have, you know.
14:55Psst.
14:56Boop.
14:59Of course, you're an actor.
15:01Well.
15:04Would you like a drink?
15:06Martini.
15:07Coat.
15:11You did say martini, didn't you?
15:16What was that tarty-looking bird chatting up Mark?
15:19That is Liz.
15:20Yes, I know.
15:21And look at them.
15:21Lust at first sight.
15:23Well, it's very understanding.
15:24Well, come on, she's a very attractive lady.
15:26I mean, every man in the party fancies her.
15:30Well, almost.
15:32I'm hardly surprised.
15:33I've seen higher necklines on a topless waitress.
15:35Oh, look, I'll tell you what.
15:36I'll glide over there and I'll smoothly separate them, all right?
15:39Good.
15:41Have you ever met Michael Caine?
15:43You don't...
15:44As a matter of fact, I was standing behind him in the canteen at Pinewood only the other
15:47day.
15:48What's he like?
15:50Hamburger and chips.
15:53Liz, I'm sorry.
15:54There's no martini left.
15:56Oh, you've got one?
15:57Oh, all right.
15:57Listen, do you want to come and have a dance?
15:59Oh, not just yet.
16:01Tell me something else.
16:02Do you ever have trouble remembering your lines?
16:04No.
16:05He doesn't get to say any lines, you know, just the occasional pssst.
16:11Someone once summed it up that the most important thing in acting is sincerity.
16:18Yes, once you've learned to fake that, you know, you're all right.
16:21Would you like to dance?
16:23I'd love to.
16:32Don't worry.
16:33He's got big ears anyway.
16:35Oh, shut up.
16:38Oh, glide over and smoothly separate them.
16:41What happened to your famous sex appeal?
16:43It's alive and well and standing next to you.
16:45Would you like to dance?
16:46What, me?
16:47Dance with you?
16:48It's perfectly legal between consenting adults, you know.
16:50You're only on the rebound.
16:52That's true.
16:52Well, it's either you or Morris.
16:55I'll save you from yourself.
16:56Come on.
17:11You see, the thing is, Chrissie, I'm a fella.
17:14Ah, that explains the shaving foam in the bathroom.
17:18And, er, you know, you're a girl.
17:20No.
17:21You're not a girl.
17:21I'm answering your next question.
17:23No, no, no, please.
17:27Don't be hasty.
17:29Listen, why don't we go into my bedroom?
17:31No, no, no.
17:31You know, just to sort of discuss it.
17:34There's more crowded in there than it is in here.
17:36It's getting very late.
17:38I'm dancing as fast as I can.
17:40Listen, would you like a drink?
17:42Well, I'm not sure I could trust myself if I had another drink.
17:45Gin and tonic, please.
17:55Have a large one.
18:02Oh, we're right out of ice.
18:05Is there any in there?
18:06No.
18:07Oh, well, go down to the Ropers and get some.
18:08You go down to the Ropers and get some.
18:10His keys.
18:11Oh, all right.
18:12Well, I'll tell you what.
18:13I'll carry the ice bucket for you.
18:15All right.
18:23Come on.
18:27Oh, that's nice.
18:29He invites me to a party and then goes off with someone else.
18:32Oh.
18:38Look, I don't know.
18:39What are you up to?
18:41Oh, um, I'm just bedding down the budgie.
18:43Oh, that's all you're bedding down tonight.
18:46It's, you know, it's...
18:47It's somewhat more peaceful down here, you know,
18:49after all that noise upstairs.
18:52Well.
18:52Just, you know, just a quiet drink.
18:54Well, just one or the ice will start to melt.
18:57Right.
19:01All right.
19:03Cheers.
19:03Cheers.
19:09You know, Chrissie, sometimes, sometimes, you know, a man wants more.
19:19He wants something fine and warm, you know.
19:23And one day he wakes up and realises it's under his nose.
19:28You think he'd have grown a moustache?
19:32I'm being very serious, Chrissie.
19:34I mean, you know, we...
19:35We all want the relationship, a warm relationship.
19:38Look, why don't you come right out with it and say what you're after?
19:41I just don't know the words.
19:43Yes, you do.
19:44I've heard you're using them.
19:47Anyway, look, remember what we agreed when you moved in?
19:49Seven pounds fifty a week.
19:50Not that, the other.
19:52Well, what about it?
19:53Well, there wasn't there to be any.
19:55Look, I'm flesh and blood as well.
19:57Well, I've only got your word for it, Chrissie.
20:00Well, all I can say is, if you were a gentleman,
20:02you wouldn't take advantage of the way I'm feeling now.
20:25I have never been so ashamed of the whole of my life, George.
20:29I'm not surprised they asked us to leave.
20:31Well, he's a drunken driver, isn't he?
20:33Well, there was no need for you to go on about it all evening.
20:36They'll never ask us again.
20:38Oh, they won't have a complete waste of time, then.
20:44Yeah, well, Sergent Ryan,
20:46he won't be able to drive anything now for twelve months.
20:49Not even his bloody great deep freeze.
20:53But the finer things of life just get right up your nose.
20:57Listen, I may not have an oil-fired birdbath,
20:59but I've got a driving licence, and that...
21:01What's going on up there?
21:02Never mind about them.
21:04I did not know where to put my face
21:06when you rinsed your teeth in their bidet.
21:10Well, I'm not even there.
21:12I'm not.
21:16Good evening.
21:17Good evening.
21:18Uh, we, uh...
21:20Are you just doing a spot of tidying up?
21:21Yes, do come in. We're nearly finished.
21:23Well, it's very thoughtful of you, love,
21:26but you didn't have to...
21:26No, I know, but, you know,
21:27originally we came down here to, uh...
21:29to offer you a drink, you see.
21:31Yeah, but we weren't here.
21:32No.
21:33So we decided to tidy up instead.
21:35Ah.
21:36Ah.
21:37Here, what's that racket going on upstairs?
21:39Uh, that's a party.
21:40Oh.
21:41Would you like to come?
21:42Ah, it's nearly half past ten.
21:44Well, there's lots of food
21:45and drink and dancing.
21:46Oh, George, let's go.
21:49I mean, they never had parties like that
21:51when we were alive.
21:57Where did you learn to do this, Morris?
22:00Well, it's funny, really.
22:01I first started when I was in the Royal Marine Commandos.
22:05Dead lost, though.
22:06I mean, they never had any pride in their appearance, did they?
22:10Went to the dials for a refresher, didn't you?
22:12Yes, he taught me a lot.
22:14Oh, you'll make someone a lovely brother.
22:17Oh, you're only saying it because it's true.
22:18Oh, you do.
22:21Uh, Joe, you haven't seen a scotch, have you?
22:23Oh, we had one bottle.
22:24I think Mr. Opa had it, though.
22:25Ah.
22:27You see, during the war, all we had was Vera Lynn.
22:30Look, excuse me.
22:31Uh, could you move your car?
22:32Paul can't get his G-pad.
22:33Oh, yeah, right.
22:34Here, don't go away.
22:35I'll tell you about the time I was chasing my buzz bomb.
22:39Lucky you.
22:40Hey, Missy.
22:41Oh, hello, Robin.
22:42Hello, Liz.
22:46Listen, I was wondering, you know,
22:47if you wanted to go into my bedroom,
22:49you know, just, you know,
22:49just to finish off the bottle of wine.
22:51I don't think so, do you?
22:53Do you know, I think I'm going to donate my body to medicine.
22:56I'm not using it.
22:59Well, it's not us.
23:10Missy little.
23:15Come on.
23:16I'm not using it.
23:18Missy little.
23:20Missy little.
23:21Missy little.
23:24Missy little.
23:35Hey, don't feel bad. If anything had happened, it would only have spoilt things.
23:40You're absolutely right. Listen, I wonder who's taking Morris home?
23:49Would you believe it must be, oh, six years since I last had a dance?
23:55Yeah.
23:59Of course, you know, my husband, he does a lovely waltz. Of course, he does it to everything.
24:05George?
24:07I've got to go with this gentleman, Mildred. Give him a sample.
Comments