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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
01:23This is about the fifth layer. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a wall behind it.
01:26Well, why don't we just stick another layer on top?
01:29Because the room's getting smaller every time it's redecorated.
01:32Look, I still think we should have got wallpaper to match the curtains.
01:35Well, they don't sell dirty brown wallpaper around here.
01:39You don't expect me to paint the store. I've got no experience.
01:42Well, just pretend it's a big eyelash. It'll come naturally.
01:46I quite like the place the way it was.
01:48Well, so did I. I've got a soft spot for squalor.
01:50But it's in the least. We have to redecorate every three years.
01:53Look, I've sandpapered my fingerprints off.
01:55Where's Robin? He should be doing this.
01:57So they're sloping off to karate lessons.
02:00Karate? It's not that anyway. It's judo.
02:02A bit like flower arranging with violence.
02:06Hello, hello, hello.
02:07As soon as the former's back is turned, the worker starts slacking.
02:10How would you like your nose scraped and sandpapered?
02:15You realise you're threatening a white belt?
02:17Huh?
02:18A highly trained, physical fighting machine?
02:21After two lessons?
02:22Oh, it doesn't take that long.
02:24Actually, you know, I nearly crippled someone tonight.
02:26Who?
02:26Me.
02:28The instructor caught me with an uchimata.
02:30What's that?
02:31Well, I don't know.
02:31He did tell me, but I was flying through the air at the time.
02:33Listen, I'll tell you what he was doing.
02:35Not likely.
02:35All you're after is a quick Japanese fumble.
02:39Look, I'm not going to be able to learn if you don't let me practise on you.
02:42Yeah, that's what they all say.
02:43Hey, come on, Jack.
02:44What about you?
02:45No, you're not going to uchimata me till I find out what it means.
02:48Look, come on.
02:48It's not going to hurt.
02:49Look, I've got walls to scrape.
02:51Yeah, well, you can do that as you're flying past.
02:52Now, look.
02:53Let me check the scene for you, all right?
02:54Now, imagine.
02:55Imagine that I am a young sweet girl.
02:58You what?
03:00I am a young sweet girl.
03:01And I'm walking down the street.
03:03In high boots and a miniskirt.
03:05Right.
03:05You're a bit old-fashioned.
03:06They went out years ago.
03:07And you are a big, rough, drunken sailor.
03:12And you're going to ravish me.
03:14Well, come on, grab me.
03:16There's nothing to grab.
03:19Use your imagination.
03:21All right.
03:23Well, that's good.
03:24That's very good.
03:25Yes.
03:25Right.
03:25I've forced me down.
03:26You're not resisting.
03:28I know.
03:29But I'm one of those girls that like rough, drunken sailors.
03:32Give us a kiss.
03:32Get off!
03:38What's all that thumping going on upstairs?
03:40Are they redecorating the flat upstairs, George?
03:43Just like you did in 1947.
03:46Well, I'll have to decorate it again if they come down through the ceiling.
03:48Oh, there it is.
03:52George, how would you fancy me coming to bed in that?
03:56What, a golf cart?
03:59It's a see-through nightie, George, on the other page.
04:02Oh, well, that, yeah.
04:05Well, what do you want one of them for?
04:07God knows.
04:09I could come to bed in a bell tent, for all you'd notice.
04:13It's sexy, George.
04:15Sexy.
04:15Yeah, well, depends what there is to see through it, isn't it?
04:19You know, I'd rather like that pink frothy one with the blue satin bows.
04:22It'd be like wrapping a brick up in Christmas paper.
04:27You are in a mood, aren't you?
04:29It's that tooth of yours, isn't it?
04:31There's nothing wrong with my tooth.
04:33Why don't you go and see the dentist?
04:35I'm not going there.
04:36That Johnson fellow's got cold hands.
04:38Well, it's not surprised he's been dead for ten years.
04:43It's that partner of his now, you know?
04:44Yeah, well, they're all the same, these dentists.
04:46She loves me.
04:47She loves me not.
04:48But it would be better with it out, George.
04:51Neater.
04:51You could have one left, either side.
04:54That's right.
04:55Go on, have a good laugh.
04:56Oh.
04:57Why don't you take an aspirin?
04:59Take two.
05:00Take a hundred.
05:03You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you, eh?
05:04The merry widder.
05:05Oh, George, I was only joking.
05:08Mind you, there is a very nice black coat in here.
05:14Now, you see, the thing about judo is
05:16that you use your opponent's strength against himself.
05:19You see?
05:19Look, I'll show you what I mean.
05:20Now, look.
05:21Say, for instance,
05:22I'm standing at a bus queue, right?
05:25Next to this big, strong standard lamp, right?
05:28And suddenly,
05:29it says a rude remark.
05:31But,
05:33I ignore it.
05:33Because you don't speak to strange standard lamps.
05:35Exactly.
05:36Then suddenly,
05:37I grab its wrist,
05:38if it had a wrist.
05:38Look,
05:39are you going to help me strip off or not?
05:42You know,
05:43I've been waiting for that invitation.
05:44Excuse me,
05:44we'll sort this out some other time.
05:46You're a typical man, you are.
05:47You just don't like work.
05:48I love it.
05:49I love it.
05:49I could watch you work all day.
05:50Now, listen,
05:51what colour we can do the paintwork?
05:53White.
05:54It's a bit daring,
05:55isn't it?
05:55I mean,
05:55it's a bit avant-garde.
05:57I mean,
05:57you know,
05:57this room should be like a sort of a stage set in which the drama of our life is unfolding.
06:01Well,
06:01what about cream?
06:02No,
06:03no,
06:03like a,
06:03you know,
06:04pulsating red or a vivid orange or brilliant apple green.
06:07Well,
06:07there was five bob off each tin.
06:09Or cheap white.
06:09Fantastic.
06:11Coffee?
06:12No,
06:12I think we'll stick to white.
06:14It's made.
06:15Oh,
06:15I see.
06:15Right.
06:16Hey,
06:17while we're talking about colours,
06:19what do you think of that?
06:22It's a bit plain,
06:23isn't it?
06:23That is the back.
06:25I know that.
06:26I know that.
06:27Yeah,
06:28I still prefer the back.
06:29Hi,
06:30what's wrong with it?
06:30He wants to unfold his life against it.
06:32It's washable.
06:34Now,
06:34what I mean is that when I bring my friends around,
06:36I don't want to say this is a room.
06:37I want to say this is me.
06:39Oh,
06:40yes,
06:40I know what you mean.
06:41I'm just the same.
06:42Oh,
06:42don't forget to mention you're both riddled with dry rot.
06:44Oh,
06:44no,
06:44but you see,
06:45I want the paper to reflect my personality.
06:47No,
06:47if we put up Randy wallpaper,
06:48we'll have the police round.
06:49Come on.
06:51Right,
06:51now,
06:51come on.
06:51What do you want me to do?
06:52Well,
06:52you have a choice.
06:54Strip the ceiling,
06:55wash down the paintwork,
06:56mix the paste,
06:56size the plaster,
06:57or we could go to the pub.
06:58I'd choose that one.
06:59Oh.
07:06So,
07:07I got into the shop doorway,
07:08and we couldn't know where it like,
07:10and I said to her,
07:10well,
07:11about it then,
07:11darling.
07:13Aye,
07:13you've the smooth way with you,
07:14Mick.
07:15Yeah.
07:16Well,
07:17you've got to tell him over a bit,
07:17haven't you,
07:18you know.
07:18Anyway,
07:19before she could say,
07:19I'm not that sort of a girl,
07:20she was.
07:23Two pikes.
07:25Here,
07:25top.
07:26Do you reckon you get a large whiskey in there?
07:27Oh,
07:27yeah.
07:28So do I.
07:28So why didn't you fill up with beer,
07:29eh?
07:31It's a nice place,
07:32isn't it?
07:32It's got a bit of atmosphere,
07:33you know what I mean?
07:34Yeah,
07:34not like the feathers.
07:35It's raggy.
07:36Why,
07:36it's for nothing there.
07:37Nothing.
07:38No,
07:39it wasn't for nothing,
07:40Mick.
07:41Oh,
07:41well,
07:41it was due for demolition anyway.
07:43I just started it for her.
07:47Look,
07:47we shouldn't be here,
07:48we should be scraping walls.
07:50Keep on reminding me,
07:50it adds to the pleasure.
07:51Oh,
07:52yeah,
07:52grab that tape.
07:56Honestly,
07:57he puts everything off.
07:58He's probably still doing yesterday's breathing.
08:00I know,
08:00all men are the same,
08:01they have it in their genes.
08:05Would you care to rephrase that?
08:08Well,
08:08it's hereditary,
08:09born lazy.
08:10Cheers,
08:11Jim,
08:11can you put them on the slate?
08:12Your slate's big enough
08:13to put a roof on a council house.
08:14Yeah,
08:14oh,
08:15and a sandwich,
08:15cheese and lettuce.
08:16You know,
08:16when you're ready.
08:18Bit selfish,
08:19that,
08:19isn't it?
08:20Fellow there with two birds.
08:21Where?
08:22Over there.
08:23Hey,
08:24then is your comb.
08:31I think I'll give the dark one
08:32a bit of a thrill.
08:33Not lazy,
08:34but I'm enjoying what I'm doing.
08:35Well,
08:35what do you enjoy doing?
08:36I enjoy coming here,
08:37drinking beer.
08:38Cheers.
08:39Hey,
08:39listen,
08:39what is an uchimato anyway?
08:41He made it up.
08:42No,
08:42it's an inner thigh throat.
08:44then you've followed up
08:44with a deadly chop to the throat.
08:45Hello,
08:46darling.
08:47Fancy having a drink with me,
08:48then?
08:49No,
08:49thank you.
08:50Go on.
08:52The,
08:52the throat,
08:53anything you like.
08:55Have a short,
08:56have a vodka,
08:57put hairs on your chest.
08:59No,
09:00now please go away.
09:01I like that.
09:02Bit of spirit.
09:03Playing hard to get.
09:04On your own,
09:05are you?
09:06No.
09:07No,
09:07she's with me.
09:09Well,
09:09well,
09:09she's with,
09:10with,
09:10with us.
09:12You see,
09:12the thing about this throat chop,
09:13if it's applied properly,
09:14you can't have both of them,
09:15can you?
09:16It's not fair.
09:21Now,
09:21listen,
09:22I think I'd better warn you
09:23that I'm a,
09:27I'm,
09:28I think,
09:29I think you're being a bit of a nuisance.
09:31Sit down
09:32and shut up
09:33or I'll flatten you.
09:37Oh,
09:37come on,
09:38don't let's be childish.
09:41I don't give two warnings,
09:43mate.
09:50Now,
09:50come on,
09:51Nick,
09:51come on.
09:51I've got your scotch
09:52over at the bar.
09:53Come on.
09:54Yeah.
09:54I'll be near tomorrow night,
09:55darling,
09:56only don't bring him with you
09:57because he frightens me.
09:58Boom.
10:03I,
10:03er,
10:04I didn't want to cause a scene.
10:05No.
10:06Oh,
10:06no,
10:06you did the right thing.
10:08Yeah,
10:08you showed great restraint,
10:09what with the judo and that.
10:10Anyway,
10:11it wouldn't have been fair to him
10:12using his own strength
10:13against himself.
10:14Pardon?
10:16He looked so strong.
10:18Yes,
10:18that was on my mind,
10:19yes.
10:20Anyway,
10:21as a matter of fact,
10:21so far I've only learnt
10:22how to fall.
10:24That nearly came in useful.
10:28I wasn't,
10:29I wasn't scared or anything.
10:31No,
10:31no,
10:31you did the right thing.
10:32You stood up to him.
10:34Yeah.
10:35And then you sat down again
10:37because you didn't want
10:38to cause a scene.
10:39Hello,
10:39dears.
10:40Evening.
10:41Oh,
10:41I'm in agony here,
10:43Mildred,
10:43agony.
10:44Does anyone feel sorry for me?
10:46Yes,
10:46George,
10:47you do.
10:48Give him a brand,
10:49you love.
10:49Oh,
10:50this is the one.
10:51Toothlake,
10:52is it?
10:52No,
10:52he's doing an advert
10:53for camé.
10:55That's right,
10:55go on,
10:56enjoy yourself,
10:56laugh.
10:57Did I laugh
10:57when you sprained your ankle?
10:59No,
10:59George,
11:00you didn't help me
11:00bring the coal in,
11:01either.
11:02Yeah,
11:02well,
11:03I feel,
11:03oh,
11:04well,
11:04thank you.
11:05Oh,
11:07God.
11:07Oh,
11:07watch that's my drink,
11:08you clumsy twit.
11:09Watch what you're doing
11:10with your elbows.
11:11They're stupid,
11:12knocking people's drinks
11:13over them.
11:13Stupid.
11:15Come again.
11:16I said it,
11:16stoop.
11:19It's a bit careless,
11:20I mean,
11:20isn't it?
11:23Yeah.
11:25Well said,
11:26well spoken.
11:29Quite right.
11:30You're a regular
11:30little bantam cock,
11:31you out,
11:32aren't you,
11:32eh?
11:32Oh,
11:33yeah,
11:33yeah.
11:35Yes.
11:36I was beginning to think
11:37they were all sissies
11:38in this pub.
11:40God,
11:40don't you.
11:40Brandy,
11:41was it?
11:41Put a large one
11:42in there,
11:42love.
11:42Oh,
11:43thanks very much,
11:43Todd.
11:44Yes,
11:45yes.
11:46It's runny little
11:46fellas like you
11:47got all the guts.
11:48I mean,
11:48things like that
11:49sought out the men
11:50from the mice
11:51and the rabbits.
11:52Cheese and lettuce
11:53for you,
11:54wasn't it?
11:55LAUGHTER
12:20LAUGHTER
12:26morning what would you like for breakfast burnt sausages burnt bacon and
12:30burnt toast aren't you lucky because that's just what I'm doing that's what
12:34you always do look I don't know what you're complaining about because you
12:37never eat it do you know there's one thing there's one thing that would
12:40improve your cooking what they cut off the gas
12:44look one more complaint from you and you get double helpings what's the matter
12:47with you this morning oh I don't know I think it was that that stupid business
12:50in the pub last night well I don't think you're a coward I didn't say I was
12:55oh no neither did I yes you did just then no I didn't I said you weren't oh
13:00well then you know you don't think I was a bit of a coward then no oh that's
13:04all right even if you were you still got all your teeth thank you morning Chrissie
13:17now look you said you were gonna fix that lock I will I will as soon as I lose
13:22interest in the naked female form you can't stay there the only thing between
13:27this is the shower curtain I know I know that's why I brought this you see it
13:30dissolves plastic instantly oh very funny look I'm warning you one peep and you get
13:36a loofah in your eye listen Chrissie it's half past nine in the morning I couldn't
13:39even raise a smile why not I don't know I don't know I think it's that stupid business you know
13:48do
13:48you think I'm a coward no not really a lot of men wouldn't fancy a poke in the eye with
13:52a looper
13:52no no I mean last night in the pub you know that big fella oh yes you were a coward
13:57there but you
13:59still got all your teeth and you two have been talking haven't you well yes I see yeah it's the
14:05old wartime bit isn't it either a man goes over the top or he doesn't over the top of
14:09what the trenches and I'm I'm still huddled in the mud grasping a bunch of white feathers
14:17don't forget about last night everybody else has stood there Mildred eyeball to eyeball last
14:25night with that big fella you did George you did I thought for a moment I was going to get
14:30that
14:30new black coat after all I was poised relaxed it was clay and liston all over again sting like a
14:38butterfly float like a bee read your Sunday paper George it hasn't come yet you know when I'm roused
14:45when I'm really roused I'm capable of anything oh yes he can bite right through a chocolate declare
14:54and he could see it so he crumbled you see he apologized George dear I did quite admire you
15:00for standing up to that man last night but after hearing about nothing else for 24 hours I'm beginning
15:06to wish he'd flattened you him he was shaking all over Mildred I could see it he was trying not
15:11to
15:11laugh ah rubbish grab it your own way here there's ever such a nice dress in here I could wear
15:18it when
15:18we go to the palace to collect your VC oh that's right go on mock oh you only did it
15:23because you
15:23were raving mad with toothache yeah nothing to do with my toothache oh you reminded me again
15:30there's one sausage left would anybody like it no you could lay a speedway track with your sausages
15:37actually it might be an egg I'm not quite sure oh forget it hey listen to this the weather loud
15:43it
15:44first with heavy rain in the southeast becoming colder occasional thunderstorms windy hey it's going
15:49to be a great day what for for staying in and finishing the decorating wasn't as if he was all
15:55that
15:57big that big fella in the pub I thought you'd forgotten about that I had till you mentioned the word
16:02windy oh
16:04but you can't all be John Wayne's I have to be some Woody Allen's in the world don't worry I
16:10think you're
16:10very brave nearly finished all your breakfast now come on it's a question of self-respect I mean how can
16:20I go
16:20back into that pub and hold my head up if he'd hit you you probably wouldn't have a head here
16:24stir that
16:25what with use the chip on your shoulder oh all right forget the hint the message it's all finished
16:31all right good except to say that if he tries it on again it'll be a different story now that's
16:39all
16:39I've got to say about right and I just like oh goodness sake either go and thump him or shut
16:44up
16:44about it right I'll do that what I'll shut up about it but tomorrow night will be a different
16:50story and I'll do what I should have done last night when he insulted you look if you go to
16:55that
16:55pub and start any trouble I'm not going to be responsible you're on your own I want nothing to do
17:11with it right oh look at this I could have used this for scraping the wallpaper have we got any
17:16turps no it's all gone I used it to clean the frying pan food really doesn't stand much of a
17:22chance with
17:23you does it what a stupid song oh good morning summer I was wondering if the paper boys know
17:53that's got my news of the world through your door no no no no oh yeah we were actually we
18:01were
18:02wondering her who's it was there we are what's all right there's there's a hold on there's another
18:25page I can't read this I can't see what the Coleman was accused of continued on the middle page here
18:32and
18:32you oh sorry can't read that I'm sorry you see we're decorating what oh yeah yeah it's very nice
18:38very nice hey you haven't finished have you oh oh that's good here uh you were there last night
18:44weren't you yes yeah hey you saw me then when I stood up to that big fella it's more than
18:51most
18:51would have done you know you mean it's more than I did hey well let me tell you something it
18:56won't
18:56happen again scene or no scene what listen tonight will be a different story you mark my work oh sorry
19:07look why don't we go to the feathers because it's really nice there because I want to come here
19:11look this isn't the gunfight at the okay corral what are you trying to prove listen I won't be the
19:17one who starts anything three halves of bitter no man no make mine a scotch I can see what he's
19:22after if he's in hospital he won't have to help with the decorating I've come here for a peaceful
19:26drink nothing else oh he's not in here tonight oh good I mean good good for him all men are
19:33the
19:34same now if women ran this world there'd be no wars no right nations would just nag each other to
19:38death yeah about your slate any chance of settling up I mean soon before the big fella comes in
19:47Friday Friday look why don't we just drink up and go home I do the dance of the seven dust
19:53sheets
19:53for you you think I'm sex mad don't you well go about those books hidden under your bed yes
19:59there are no books hidden underneath my bed no they're hidden in your wardrobe right
20:11bye to me squire
20:16hello darling all right then that's it look he always said hello it's the way he said it
20:26where are you going just to get another drink no you're not I'm gonna get you stay there
20:33hello love like a drink no thank you look my friend over there he's looking for an excuse
20:38to come across here and thump you you what well now listen the moment he starts anything insults
20:43anybody knocks a drink over that's it he's been asking for it and he'll get it listen he's
20:48only talking to Chrissy that's it it's not too far
21:01is he insulting you no oh well he did he did last night he did last night and I I
21:10think an
21:10apology what I think it was disgraceful the way you behaved last night insulting people knock his
21:16people straight hey come watch it I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry no I'm not sorry I'm not sorry
21:21I'm glad yeah well I suppose it was an accident yes no it wasn't no in fact I might have
21:27done it on
21:28purpose all I know in fact yes I did hey you you want to watch it you do I've ever
21:39might have
21:46you you just watch it that's all just watch it see I told you it's all wind and hiss
22:03he you really told him off I just did what had to be done I was very brave thank you
22:08foolhardy if
22:09you ask me foolhardy you needed a fight then you with your dicky heart and silver plate in your skull
22:14pardon well I heard I'm telling him you said that well let me tell you something there's nothing wrong
22:21with my heart and I haven't got a dicky plate in my head come again
22:56you
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