00:03Ladies.
00:19Well, that was a fun date.
00:25It wasn't a date.
00:26I went to the movie alone and you sat on next to me right after it started.
00:32Uh-huh. But this time you didn't dump your soda all over me.
00:37I'm wearing you down, baby.
00:41I'm wearing you down.
00:48Hey, baby. Let's get comfortable.
00:57Hey, baby. Let's get comfortable.
01:07What are you doing?
01:09Making a move, sweetheart.
01:15Feel free to make one back.
01:22Okay.
01:31Steve Urkel, you are the most annoying human being I've ever met.
01:37You heard her. You're witnesses. She used the phrase human being.
01:45She's mine.
02:00It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:08Love and tradition of the grand design.
02:11Some people say it's even harder to find.
02:16Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
02:22Cause all I see is a tower of dreams.
02:27Real love bursting out of every scene.
02:31And days go by.
02:35It's the bigger love of the family.
02:54Don't lose that thought.
03:00Hey!
03:06Waldo, what's up?
03:08Uh, uh, uh, Vonda's here.
03:10Oh, cool.
03:13Hey, Vonda.
03:15Hello, Waldo.
03:15What's up?
03:19Waldo.
03:20What's up?
03:24Uh, uh, Waldo, uh, I'm kind of busy right now.
03:28You know.
03:30Oh.
03:31Ah.
03:32No problem, Bob.
03:33Alright.
03:36Alright.
03:39Uh, uh, Waldo.
03:41What's up?
03:45Dope, man.
03:46Check out my Lady Vonda over there.
03:48Look at those sweet lips.
03:50They're just begging to be kissed.
03:53You got it, bro.
03:54Oh.
04:00Why did you do that?
04:02Eddie told me to.
04:05Oh, Eddie, you are disgusting.
04:08Vonda, wait, baby.
04:09Baby, come on, listen.
04:11Let me, I got the...
04:16Waldo, you just kissed my girlfriend.
04:19Yep.
04:19Now you got some tough lips to follow.
04:25Yo, I didn't want you to kiss her for me.
04:27I wanted you to leave so that I could kiss her, you idiot.
04:31Oh.
04:32Now do you understand?
04:35Yeah, I understand.
04:37I understand something else, too.
04:40What?
04:42My best friend thinks I'm an idiot.
04:54Tossing me another one, Uncle Carl.
04:56This baby's history.
05:00Which flavor this time?
05:02Root beer.
05:05You know, Rich, I appreciate you eating these popsicles before they melt.
05:10Hey, it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.
05:19Okay.
05:28Needs a little bit more oomph.
05:33More oomph.
05:34More oomph.
05:36Okay.
05:39Hey, Carl.
05:41Did you fix Ice Maker yet?
05:42Oh, yeah.
05:43Good.
05:44Better call a repairman.
05:48What for?
05:51Carl, fixing things is a talent.
05:53A talent you don't have.
05:58Well, now, I fixed the dryer and it works just fine.
06:02Yes.
06:03And then it exploded.
06:06Your mother was beaten by the lead trap.
06:10Well, she was only out for a few minutes.
06:15Let's see.
06:18Refrigerator repair.
06:22Excuse me.
06:23Would it kill you just to give me a little support?
06:27A teeny, tiny vote of confidence, huh?
06:30Would it?
06:31Carl.
06:31But no.
06:33You make snide remarks about explosions.
06:36You dredge up the ancient lint trap incident.
06:40Well, you know what, Harriet?
06:42There should be a country called Naysayer.
06:45And you would be queen of the naysayers.
06:50Carl.
06:51Well, I am the king of this household, Queenie.
06:57And the king says that there will be no repairman
07:02because the king has fixed the fridge himself.
07:05Holmes.
07:06Woo!
07:08Woo!
07:08Woo!
07:10Woo!
07:11Woo!
07:14Woo!
07:15Woo!예요,
07:24motherfucker! Woo!
07:26Woo!
07:27Woo!
07:28Woo!
07:37Nice work, old mighty king.
07:44Well, let's see.
07:45Refrigerator repair?
07:51Vonda, baby?
07:52Baby, baby, I...
07:54Vonda, I swear I will never be rude to you again.
07:59Steve!
08:01Anno, you can sweet-talk the hottie some other time.
08:03Right now, we've got an emergency on our hands.
08:06Now, come on.
08:08What are you talking about?
08:10I just got a phone call from Fort McGee.
08:13Waldo's there.
08:15Fort McGee?
08:16Well, why would Waldo be in Fort McGee?
08:18Waldo joined the army.
08:21What?
08:22Come on, we gotta go talk him out of this.
08:24Why would Waldo do such an idiotic thing?
08:26It was your insensitive use of the word idiot
08:29that caused this whole mess.
08:33Waldo joined the army because I called him an idiot?
08:36Hey, strong emotions and a weak mind
08:38can make a dangerous combination.
08:41Look at Yosemite Sam.
08:50Dear Mom, I'm in the army now.
08:57I'm not behind a plow.
09:07I'll never get rich by digging a ditch.
09:16I'm in the army now.
09:32Psst, psst, Waldo, psst.
09:35Steve, Eddie, were you guys drafted?
09:39No, man.
09:40We snuck on the base.
09:41We gotta...
09:42Hey, are you ladies having a little trouble
09:44finding the door?
09:46Get in there.
09:48I see you.
09:48Hut!
09:53All right.
09:55Who are you two?
09:57Prank and Erickle.
09:58In private, Winslow.
09:59Reporting for duty, sir.
10:00Oh, I won't go.
10:04Oh, I won't do it.
10:08Help, help, help.
10:12Hit the deck!
10:28Did I do that?
10:43What are you pathetic piles of pasture patties doing in my platoon?
10:51Excellent use of alliteration, sir. I don't believe I've had the pleasure of-
10:57Sergeant Robert Shishka!
11:01Hey, you know, your name backwards is Shishka Bob.
11:05Shut up!
11:06Yes, sir. Shutting up, sir.
11:07I'm not a sir.
11:09You're not, sir?
11:10No, sir. I'm a sergeant.
11:11You will address me as Sergeant Shishka.
11:14Yes, certainly.
11:15Certainly what?
11:17Certainly, sir.
11:18Not sure. Sergeant.
11:21Yes, sir, Sergeant Shishka, sir.
11:26Just call me Sarge.
11:28No problem, Bob.
11:34Urkel, Winslow, you are not on my list of new recruits.
11:39Oh, well, you-
11:40You mean the army screwed up the paperwork again?
11:43Gosh, I'll bet that's never happened before.
11:46Don't insult my army.
11:48I love my army.
11:51I'll take this up later with a lieutenant.
11:54Uh, Sarge,
11:55do you think Private Edo and I can have a private moment with Private Waldo privately?
12:03Well,
12:03No!
12:07You see, Sarge,
12:09he's our friend,
12:10and you know-
12:10You have no friends!
12:12The army is your friend!
12:20Fall in!
12:21Fall in what?
12:24Form a line!
12:27My friend in the army isn't talking very nice to me.
12:32Uh, tin!
12:34Huh!
12:36Eyes are here!
12:38What are you looking at?
12:42Suck in that gut!
12:44Square those shoulders!
12:47Chin up!
12:48Now, stay that way.
12:51Welcome to basic training, maggots.
12:54During the next six weeks-
12:56Oh!
13:04During the next six weeks-
13:06Oh!
13:14During the next six weeks-
13:16Oh!
13:16Stop that!
13:18Well, I have to breathe!
13:20Excuse me for being a mammal!
13:26At ease!
13:32During the next six weeks-
13:39It will be my job-
13:42To turn you ignorant, ugly, inbred jackasses
13:46into soldiers in this United States Army!
13:53What?
13:55Why on this gratuitous name-calling?
14:01You know, you catch far more flies with honey than you will with insects-
14:05Shut up!
14:08You probably don't have too many friends, do you?
14:10I said shut up!
14:13I said shut up!
14:14You know, sudden unreasonable displays of anger are occasionally caused by an impacted bowel.
14:20I'm going to have to-
14:22That does it, mister!
14:24Give me 50 push-ups!
14:26Without stretching first?
14:27Hit the floor!
14:29What?
14:30Oh!
14:31Oh!
14:32Oh!
14:35Oh!
14:37Oh!
14:39Oh!
14:40Oh!
14:46Oh!
14:48Oh!
14:58All right, men, you're going to take a 20-mile field hike with full field packs.
15:05Aw!
15:06Oh, no, no, no, don't thank me.
15:09Thank Private Urkel.
15:14You see, men, an infantry unit is only as strong as its weakest soldier, and this soldier
15:21is the weakest man in America.
15:25Oh, yeah?
15:26He has to bet my dad.
15:29Oh, yeah?
15:30All right, Tim!
15:31Good!
15:34Right!
15:35Peace!
15:37Oh, my right!
15:40How about...
15:42Peace!
15:43We're going to go...
15:44Oh!
15:44All the way around.
15:45Good job.
15:48Forward...
15:48March!
15:49Now, can we have to do over here?
15:51Back seat, back seat.
15:52Okay, okay.
15:53Okay.
15:54Lift!
15:55Lift!
15:56Lift!
15:56Lift!
15:57Lift!
15:58Lift!
16:00Lift!
16:00Lift!
16:03Lift!
16:04Lift!
16:11Language Santaicious!
16:11It's the new configurator of home.
16:12White Star placed it.
16:12Oh, okay.
16:14It's a nice place you got here.
16:16Thank you!
16:17How much you pay for it?
16:20I really don't think that's any of your business.
16:24Took a bath on it, huh?
16:27How much do I owe you?
16:29$285.
16:30What?
16:31For a little motor thing?
16:34All right, dearie.
16:36If you want to get on the horn there and call your little old hubby…
16:41Why would I do that?
16:42Well, he controls the buccaroonies, right?
16:44I mean, you need him to authorize the repair.
16:53My hubby doesn't control the buccaroonies.
16:56We share the buccaroonies.
16:58You got that?
16:59Yeah, okie-dokie, sure.
17:03Furthermore, I'm authorizing this repair myself.
17:07Understand?
17:08Okie-dokie, sure.
17:13I'm also authorizing you to pull up those pants.
17:17This is an old house and we got enough cracks in it.
17:31Relax, man.
17:37Relax.
17:46Oh, my God.
18:09Oh, my God.
18:14Steve.
18:17Hello.
18:18Hello.
18:19Do me a favor.
18:21What?
18:22Shoot me.
18:25Leave him alone, Winslow.
18:27Why don't you lay off, Sarge?
18:30I mean, sure, Steve is annoying.
18:32Sure, he's a pain in the butt.
18:33Sure, he gets on your nerves.
18:35But the bottom line is, he's that way to everybody.
18:43Quite a tribute, Ed Al.
18:49Winslow, Misery loves company.
18:53So you and Faldo can stay here with your buddy Urkel while the rest of us go for chow.
18:58And while we're gone, you three will scrub this entire floor.
19:05Where are the mops?
19:07Right here.
19:11All right, men, fall out.
19:13It's chow time.
19:14Double time now.
19:15It's Wednesday.
19:17That means powdered fish.
19:24Oh, I've never been more tired in my entire life.
19:31Oh.
19:32Oh.
19:35Oh.
19:36Oh.
19:38Oh.
19:38Why'd you guys come here anyway?
19:40To stop you from making a big mistake.
19:50Yo, Waldo.
19:52The only reason you joined the army is because...
19:55Because I hurt your feelings.
19:57It's not the only reason.
20:00But you shouldn't have called me an idiot.
20:03Yeah, I know.
20:04You're supposed to be my friend.
20:06My best friend.
20:08When you called me that, I never felt so bad in my whole life.
20:13Really?
20:14Yeah.
20:15I mean, I admire you.
20:17I respect you.
20:19And I've always looked up to you.
20:21So when you called me an idiot, you hurt me.
20:24Here.
20:27No, man, Waldo, you're not an idiot.
20:30An idiot is a guy who loses his temper and hurts his best friend's feelings.
20:36Although, uh, I'm really sorry, man.
20:45Make you be my best friend again.
20:51Cool.
21:01Mission accomplished, Steve.
21:05Steve?
21:07Steve!
21:09Yes, sir, Sergeant Siska, sir.
21:15Let's go home, guys.
21:16Oh, wait a minute.
21:19Getting Waldo out of the army is easier said than done.
21:23Well, let's just talk to the Sarge.
21:26Oh, good idea.
21:28Yeah, he seems to be a caring and compassionate individual.
21:32Well, maybe if we explain the situation and beg real hard,
21:36he'll rip up Waldo's investment papers.
21:38Papers?
21:46Yeah, Waldo.
21:49You signed enlistment papers, right?
21:53No.
21:54I just saw a long line and stood at the end of it.
22:10Listen up, maggots.
22:12Prepare for drill.
22:14Hot hand.
22:16Hooks.
22:17Forward.
22:18Hooks.
22:20Right shoulder.
22:21Hooks.
22:23Forward.
22:24Hooks.
22:26Left shoulder.
22:28Hooks.
22:29Forward.
22:31Hooks.
22:33Right order.
22:35Hooks.
22:39Hooks.
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