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The Bernie Mac Show is a beloved comedy series that showcases Bernie Mac’s unique humor, sharp wit, and unforgettable storytelling 😂🔥 When Bernie and his wife take in his sister’s three children, everyday family life turns into hilarious chaos. Packed with heart, laughs, and life lessons, this sitcom remains a fan favorite and a television classic.

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Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:19Yes, y'all with kids, I want you to hear something.
00:22Listen.
00:25That's right.
00:27Quiet.
00:28Jealous, ain't you?
00:30Yeah, I know.
00:31My baby Wanda, she's out shopping with the kids.
00:33I got the whole house to myself.
00:36And that means Nessa ain't walking around rolling her eyes and joining with that annoying cackle.
00:41Let me tell you something.
00:42I never thought I'd envy the death.
00:44But don't get me wrong.
00:46I love those kids.
00:47But silence is golden.
00:49You want to hear it again?
00:51Listen.
00:59What's that?
01:02Wanda?
01:06Baby, you back already?
01:11Excuse me for a second.
01:14Where is it?
01:20Wanda?
01:23Nessa?
01:28Hey!
01:29Hey!
01:43How's somebody just gonna come up in my house?
01:45What the? What's wrong with people today?
01:47It's disgusting! Despicable!
01:50You're supposed to rob somebody when they're not at home!
01:52I gave them all the signals I was here!
01:54Lights on! Trucked in the driveway!
01:56I'm talking to myself out loud!
01:59What more do I need to do?
02:01Mini went to the door with high toddy?
02:02Man!
02:04I'm standing at the end here.
02:05That's all the punk right there and here.
02:07I chased him and ran through the hall and jumped out the bathroom window.
02:10Bernie!
02:10Yeah, right here, baby.
02:12What's going on?
02:13Somebody broke into the house.
02:14Oh, my God. Are you okay?
02:16I'm fine, baby.
02:16Did he take any of my stuff?
02:18I'm fine. Thank you, selfish.
02:21I'm sorry, officer, about my children.
02:23They're just selfish.
02:24These kids today ain't worth two dead flies smashed.
02:27Like I was saying, if I'd have caught him, I'd have kicked his ass.
02:30Well, Mr. Mack, we'll let you know as soon as we get any leads.
02:34Meantime, everybody keep these doors and windows locked.
02:37Don't make it easy on them.
02:39Thank you, officer.
02:41Don't make it easy for them. Easy?
02:43I'll tell you what, America.
02:44I'm going to protect my family by any means necessary.
02:48And if somebody comes back up in here, it's going to be a dark day for him and his mama.
02:52It's going to be a discrepancy, a misunderstanding.
02:54I'm talking busting heads.
02:56I'm talking about some slow singing and flower ringing.
02:59If y'all didn't know, I'm a topologist in whoop-assology.
03:03Yes, sir. Easy.
03:04Come on.
03:04Come on in.
03:05Help yourself.
03:06Come on.
03:06I'm a pop.
03:08Come on.
03:10Come on.
03:29Come on.
03:30Come on.
03:32Bernie.
03:36Yeah?
03:37Are you all right?
03:42Yeah, I'm all right.
03:46Oh.
03:49Oh.
03:49Oh, shit.
03:52I'm trying to figure out how that guy got up in here.
03:56Did you leave that window in the bathroom open?
03:58I don't remember, baby.
03:59You don't remember?
04:01Babe, what if baby girl was here?
04:04She'd have been killed.
04:06She'd be dead right now.
04:09For now, I want all the windows and doors locked.
04:12Okay, baby.
04:13Come on, now.
04:14Just try to relax.
04:14I'm trying.
04:15Okay.
04:16Ooh.
04:18Thank God nothing happened to you.
04:20I wouldn't know what I would do.
04:23Thank you, baby.
04:27What is it?
04:28Shh.
04:29Wait a minute.
04:32You hear something?
04:33Mm-mm.
04:34You hear nothing?
04:35Mm-mm.
04:38I wouldn't know.
04:38I wouldn't know.
04:43Where you going?
04:44Go check the door in the DM.
04:45I'm not sure I'll lock it.
05:08I don't know what's going on with me, America.
05:11Back home, I saw evil doing the crime all the time.
05:14And I'm not ashamed to say that Bernie Mac might have been involved on the other side
05:17of it occasionally.
05:19But never made me jump it before.
05:21This good living is making me soft.
05:24I've got to get my ears back.
05:27I've got to get my ears back.
05:48I've got to get my ears back.
06:11You need to bust your hair with-
06:14Ah!
06:15What are you doing?
06:16I almost killed you with my back.
06:18Bernie, what's happening?
06:19Uncle Barney almost killed me with his bat.
06:22No more bat.
06:23No, no, baby.
06:24Baby, listen.
06:25No, no, no.
06:25I didn't know.
06:30Did you see that?
06:34Almost clubbed around like a baby seal.
06:37What's wrong with me, America?
06:39I feel violated.
06:42I can't go on like this.
06:44I don't want you to see me like this.
06:47I got an image to maintain.
06:52Cut the camera.
06:57Cut it over.
07:01Gather around, kids.
07:03I want to show you something.
07:04You see this?
07:05This is not a toy.
07:07The next time someone tries to break into our home,
07:10this may save our lives,
07:11provided we use it correctly.
07:13The first one in must use the code.
07:17And our code would be 138.
07:20Let me hear you say it.
07:22138.
07:23Here's a hint to remind you of a code.
07:25It's the first three numbers of our address.
07:28That's clever.
07:29I thought that myself.
07:31Let's move on.
07:33The last one out must shut the door and arm the system.
07:37And how you arm the system, you press B4.
07:40As in, before I leave, I must arm the system.
07:44If not, police will come.
07:47You'll be arrested as an accomplice.
07:49That's right.
07:49That means you're going to go to jail.
07:51And I will send you to jail.
07:53So remember, B4, you've got 15 seconds to get out.
07:59Let's move on.
08:01Now, next is false alarm.
08:03If they're the false alarm, the police will call.
08:06And you've got to give the password.
08:09You've got to.
08:10And the password is going to be Claudine.
08:12Because that's my favorite movie.
08:14I thought your favorite movie was Cooley High.
08:17Yeah, Cooley High is my favorite Chicago movie.
08:19Car Wash is my favorite L.A. movie.
08:21And Claudine is my favorite New York movie,
08:23along with Cotton Comes to Harlem.
08:26Let's just say that Claudine is my favorite Diane Carroll movie.
08:29Who's Diane Carroll?
08:31You don't know Diane?
08:32Diane Carroll!
08:36Let's move on.
08:37I bet those kids feel safer already,
08:40because you know what?
08:40I know I do.
08:41I have to admit, this alarm system thing was a great idea.
08:46I don't know why I didn't get myself one a long time ago.
08:49It's so simple.
08:51Look.
08:52I'm getting my ass back.
08:57Come on, y'all.
08:58Let's go.
08:58Let's go.
09:00All right.
09:01All right.
09:02Good.
09:02Good.
09:02Now, everybody got everything.
09:04Nobody leaving anything.
09:06Because I don't want to get outside for you all to realize you forgot something.
09:10Okay?
09:10Come on.
09:11Let's go.
09:12I forgot my lunch.
09:13I forgot my book.
09:14I forgot my lunch.
09:15Come on.
09:16Come on.
09:18Come on.
09:18Come on, man.
09:20Come on.
09:21Come on.
09:21Come on.
09:22Come on.
09:22Come on.
09:22Come on, baby girl.
09:23Good.
09:25Hold on.
09:49Hey, Bernie.
09:50How's it going?
09:51Good, Carl.
09:52How are the kids coming along?
09:54Good, Carl.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Hey, Bernie.
09:56Yeah?
09:56I rented your Kings of Comedy the other night.
09:58Oh, no kidding.
09:59You were really funny.
10:02A little filthy for my taste, but that's what they're doing now, right?
10:05It's not for everybody, Carl.
10:06Oh, listen.
10:07Hey.
10:08I gotta ask you.
10:10You know, Cedric.
10:12Cedric the entertainer.
10:13His name's Cedric.
10:14He calls himself an entertainer.
10:15You're all entertainers.
10:16I don't know why he does that.
10:17Yeah.
10:18Hey, Carl.
10:20What's that phrase you use?
10:22Who's with you now?
10:24It's who you with.
10:25Who you with?
10:26Yeah.
10:27Yeah.
10:27You sure?
10:28Not who?
10:28Well, it's probably funny.
10:30I gotta go, Carl.
10:31Okay.
10:31Hey, Bernie.
10:32Your alarm's gone off.
10:34I hear it.
10:35Don't you hear it?
10:36Yeah.
10:36You better get in there.
10:37Maybe a criminal in there.
10:39I hope not.
10:40If there is apprehend of you need help, don't come here.
10:44Okay, Carl.
10:46Who's with you?
10:47No, no.
10:48Who you with?
11:21No, no, no.
11:22Sir, I live here.
11:23I live here.
11:24Be that as it may, your alarm was activated.
11:27I need your password.
11:29Oh, my password?
11:32Oh.
11:33What?
11:36It's a black movie.
11:38Coolie High.
11:41Car wash.
11:43Cotton come to holler.
11:45Lily on the field.
11:47Is this your daddy?
11:51He's our uncle.
11:53He stays here.
11:54What?
11:55I stay here?
11:56No, you stay here.
11:58I live here.
11:59This is my house.
12:01All right.
12:01Have a nice night and learn your password.
12:05Thank you, officer.
12:07What is it?
12:17What's that?
12:20Did y'all hear something?
12:24That's all right.
12:26This spot is secure.
12:33Seriously, man, did y'all hear something?
12:36That ain't funny.
12:38I paid a lot of doggone money for this system.
12:42I'm supposed to feel secure.
12:47I'm starting again.
12:48There it go again, doggone.
12:52Oh, Lord.
12:58Yo, man, it's getting ugly out there.
13:00You know, last week, a lady got jacked at the gas station.
13:04You know, in broad day, like in dig, they let her fill up the car first.
13:08Then they took it.
13:09Oh, that's low down, man.
13:11Yeah, it's not safe out there anymore, man.
13:13I haven't been to an ATM in years, man.
13:16Well, you ain't got no money, either.
13:18Let's go.
13:20No, I'm serious, man.
13:21I wouldn't even let my daughter go to the mall alone, man.
13:24Packs of kids running around, hanging out, you know, picking fights.
13:27Where you from, fool?
13:28You know what I'm saying?
13:29It's dangerous, man.
13:30One of her girlfriends almost got pulled into someone's car.
13:33What?
13:34Yeah.
13:34Now my family only goes to the mall together, man.
13:38I mean, in a bus, but...
13:39In a bus.
13:40In a bus.
13:41Put y'all together.
13:43Yo, easy.
13:44He's not kidding, man.
13:45It's serious, man.
13:46You know, it's not just about protecting your house, man.
13:48The question is how you gonna protect yourself, brother.
13:59You just tried to make me pat on it.
14:01You all think we're tight now.
14:03We're gonna be even tighter as a family.
14:06Because as of right now, we're all gonna do everything together.
14:11Baby girl, if you gotta go to ballet practice, we're all going with her.
14:15Together.
14:16Jordan, if you need weeds and medicine, we're all going to get it with him.
14:21Together.
14:23Nessa, if you want to go to the movie with your friend, we're all gonna go.
14:28Together.
14:29Now, I know it might sound a little extreme, but that's all right.
14:34Because the last thing I want, kids, is somebody to end up killing you.
14:38Before I get a chance to.
14:40What if I have to go to the bathroom?
14:42We're all gonna go with you.
14:44Together.
14:45And we all just close eyes.
14:47Together.
14:48Uncle Bernie, that's really gross.
14:50You keep your lips.
14:51Together.
14:53Hating.
14:53Hating is fine.
14:55As long as we hate.
14:56Together.
14:57Together.
15:10So, you want to work on our vaults?
15:12Aren't you tired?
15:14Yeah, but I don't want to go home.
15:15My uncle's driving me crazy.
15:17Why don't we go to the mall?
15:18Great.
15:21Hey, baby.
15:22Hi, Shannon.
15:24What y'all getting ready to do?
15:25We're going to the mall.
15:27Hey, kids.
15:27We get ready to go to the mall.
15:29Shannon invited me.
15:35Come on now, Nessa.
15:36You know the rules.
15:37We do everything together.
15:38You mean that stupid rule that you made up just because you're scared?
15:45All right then, Nessa.
15:47Trying to buzz them out in front of your friend?
15:50I'm gonna show you how scared I am.
15:52From now on, you're grounded.
15:54You know what that mean, Nessa?
15:55I mean, you stay in the house.
15:57So, we want to see your friend.
15:59Your friend gotta come over and see you.
16:00And I'm gonna tell you something else, Nessa.
16:03Since I'm so scared, we're all punished together.
16:06That's right.
16:07And you know what else?
16:08You gotta thank your sister for that.
16:10So, why don't we thank her together?
16:11Say thank you, Nessa.
16:13Thank you, Nessa.
16:15That's how scared I am.
16:18Come on!
16:27Oh, my God!
16:28Brianna, what happened?
16:31Aunt Wanda, you gotta help us.
16:33What is going on, Brianna?
16:34Are you hurt?
16:36No, I was just pretending.
16:38Uncle Bernie is ruining our lives.
16:40He punished us all, and we can't even leave the house.
16:43And the only way we can see our friends is if they come over here.
16:46Here?
16:48Your uncle Bernie was a little shaken up by the break-in.
16:51He just needs some time to deal with it.
16:54What's the big deal?
16:55They used to break in our house every week in Chicago.
16:57One time I was my mommy's friend.
16:59What she said was our uncle.
17:01Well, can't you get a divorce?
17:05If you believe him now, you can get half.
17:07The car, maybe even the house.
17:09You know, kids, he really does care about you.
17:13And this won't last for long.
17:15But, in the meantime, if he says have friends over, have friends over.
17:30What's up, you squads?
17:32How you doing?
17:34Moving in wild because of the pale of the skin.
17:37One, two, one, but to show me.
17:41Hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:43And I'm going on a two-four-two.
17:46Both for me and all set you free.
17:49Rap on, brother.
17:53Rap on.
17:55Well, the only person talking about love and stuff is the preacher.
18:00And it seems nobody's interested in love but the teacher.
18:08Segregation, determination, demonstration, integration.
18:11Incubation, emanation, obligation to my nation.
18:20That's what the world is today.
18:22Hey, hey.
18:26The style of pills are at an all-time high.
18:29Your folks walking round with their heads in the sky.
18:32City's a flame in the summertime.
18:35And all the freak goes on.
18:45Evolution, revolution, can't control the sound of soul.
18:47Shooting rockets to the moon, kids going up to zoo.
18:51Politics in St. Mox, Texas will solve everything.
18:55Get the hell out of here.
18:57Get the hell out of my house, everybody.
18:58Out, out, out, out.
19:00Right here, right here.
19:01Go, go, go, go, go, go.
19:02Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
19:03Ow!
19:04Where we go, where we go, where we go, nobody knows.
19:09Bill, why don't you just lock us in our room until we're 21?
19:12Yeah!
19:12That's the best thing I heard all doggone day.
19:15I haven't seen daylight in two days.
19:17You want to see some sun, Nessa?
19:18Go in the kitchen and look about the skylight.
19:21Oh, you didn't know we had a skylight.
19:23You know why?
19:23Because you ain't never got your buddy at home.
19:26I want to go outside and dig for bugs.
19:28You know what?
19:28I try to look out for you kids.
19:30Y'all don't appreciate nothing.
19:32What?
19:32You know what?
19:34I've got a long hair cut off your grand floor.
19:36Let's go with your kids.
19:38Let's go with your kids.
19:39Wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:41Two more people are being let out of the house right now.
19:45We believe the situation has been stable.
19:47Although it's still unclear whether the gas has been shut off.
19:51Wait a minute.
19:51I'm right.
19:53Can you tell me his condition?
19:55It is stable.
19:56Well, this is a miracle.
19:58It looks tonight, everyone, as if no one has been seriously hurt.
20:02To recap, for those of you who just tuned in,
20:05it appears that a gas pipe has burst at this home in Pomona.
20:08And we do believe at this time that everyone has gotten out safely.
20:12Wait a minute.
20:14I'm just getting word that there is one more person inside of that house.
20:19They're...
20:21They're bringing them out now, right?
20:22It...
20:23It appears to be a little girl.
20:26What...
20:26What's that?
20:28What...
20:28She's not moving?
20:30I...
20:31I don't think the...
20:32The little girl has made it.
20:35It does look as if the little girl has died from this gasoline tonight.
20:41This is an unexpected turn of events.
20:45Triumph turning into tragedy before our very eyes.
20:50The ambulance now leaving the scene.
20:53There's not much more I can say.
20:55Reporting live from Pomona, I'm John Charles.
20:58You know something, America?
20:59You try to protect your family the best you can, but in the end,
21:03there's not really much you can do.
21:05Cause see, gas pipes burst.
21:07People rob houses.
21:09Planes fly in the building.
21:11So what you gonna do?
21:12You gonna live in fear?
21:13You got to live your life.
21:16Have fun.
21:17Be yourself.
21:19Make mistakes.
21:20See, Bernie Mac may have overreacted.
21:22But one thing he did get right, it's important to be together.
21:26So I told you once before, America, we're family.
21:30You and I.
21:30We are family.
21:32Always and forever.
21:34Y'all take care.
21:37I'll see you later.
21:38Oh, hey, hey, hey.
21:41I gotta ask you a personal question.
21:42What's that, Carl?
21:43I need a cap here.
21:44Where do you get your caps?
21:46Who's your dentist?
21:47It's Dr. B.
21:48They're not caps, Carl.
21:49These are my real teeth.
21:50If those are not caps, if those are real,
21:53that's the best teeth in the history of the world.
21:57Thank you, Carl.
21:58You and Julie Andrews.
22:00Number one, two in the world of smiling.
22:03Thank you, Carl.
22:03You're number one.
22:04Who's with you?
22:06No, no.
22:07Who you with?
22:12The whole technology当然.
22:13She wants you to see us.
22:13To theorrow and開始 when the game begins and continues.
22:13Here, any!
22:13Five, 36.
22:13Three, two, three, five, six.
22:14Two...
22:14своей, three, six, ten...
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