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Tv, Allo Allo 1E05 - The Funeral
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00:00Yesterday was for me a very bad day.
00:27I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do.
00:32And General von Klinkeroffen, a very important kraut, had me shot at door.
00:38But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's rifles
00:44so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.
00:50Needless to say, I owe them a favour.
00:53Grinny.
00:53Grinny.
00:54Eh?
00:55Come in.
00:57Now the things are back to normal.
01:01Almost normal.
01:03We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...
01:07Stop it.
01:09Grinny.
01:10Now the things are back to almost normal.
01:14I think you owe me a favour.
01:16Of course, Colonel.
01:18Yvette or Maria.
01:23Decide.
01:23No contest.
01:27In half an hour?
01:29Perfect.
01:30Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.
01:33What's that, Rene?
01:35Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular customer
01:40of mine.
01:41Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?
01:47We thought of that.
01:48We think of everything.
01:50We told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.
01:55What a brilliant idea, Colonel.
02:00How do you think of these things?
02:02We have to be on our toes.
02:05He's looking forward to meeting you.
02:07Do you think it will work?
02:08Of course.
02:09You look exactly like yourself.
02:12You are most reassuring, Colonel.
02:14Oh, one other thing.
02:16I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.
02:18Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?
02:21Rene, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.
02:25It's not fair on Hans.
02:29I'll manage somehow.
02:31Have you seen Herr Flick of the Gestapo?
02:41Yes, I carried out your instructions.
02:44I told him Rene has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the cafe.
02:49Did he believe her?
02:50After some interrogation.
02:51Why did he interrogate you?
02:53It was raining, so we decided not to go out.
02:56Is it bad or will nobody come to help me?
03:07Here we are, Mama.
03:08Oh, not more onion soup.
03:12No, today we have a treat.
03:15Araco beans.
03:19More than an old woman can bear.
03:22But no matter.
03:23Come close, see this.
03:24Now that Rene is dead.
03:29Have you found his will?
03:31Mama, he is not dead.
03:33He is down below.
03:35Oh, well.
03:36The life he led, I am not surprised.
03:40Now it is.
03:41You must marry again.
03:44Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?
03:47He owns the Hotel Grand Place.
03:50He has a cafe.
03:51Mama, Rene is not dead.
03:53He has a bigger one than Rene.
03:58Do not fill your head with such things.
04:01I must go.
04:02I have much to do.
04:04Now, it is.
04:05What are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?
04:10There are no airmen in your wardrobe.
04:14We have hidden them in the inn house.
04:17Airmen in the inn house.
04:21Sometimes I think I go round the twist.
04:24Maria, Yvette, the two German officers in half an hour.
04:34Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?
04:38Not this time.
04:39This one is on the house.
04:41Rene, what about the resistance?
04:44You know we have to give them ten percent.
04:45They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.
04:50Take it out of the till.
04:54Ah!
04:58Allow me to introduce myself.
05:01I am Lieutenant Gruber.
05:02I was a very close friend of your brother.
05:06Ah, my twin brother, Rene.
05:08Yes, yes.
05:09It was very sad.
05:11Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.
05:15Yes, I know.
05:16Orders, you understand.
05:18I hope you will not hold it against me.
05:21I will try not to.
05:24Your usual?
05:25Whatever that may be.
05:27That is my usual.
05:30How extraordinary.
05:32You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to Rene.
05:36I know.
05:38You even have the same pretty rings.
05:40Ah, yes, yes.
05:41He left them to me.
05:43Now I come to look.
05:44Your eyelashes are a little longer.
05:47And your hands are more artistic.
05:51The colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.
05:55Yes, he's quite right.
05:56Is that where you and Rene were born?
05:58Yes, we were both Nancy boys.
06:05Rene, I must talk to you.
06:09We have to feed the ends.
06:14She called you Rene.
06:16That is very strange.
06:18Ah, well, you see, we were so alike,
06:20there did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.
06:23So they called you both Rene.
06:27That must have been very confusing.
06:29Oh, no, no.
06:29They called us Rene 1 and Rene 2.
06:32Are you one?
06:34No, I am definitely two.
06:41Otto, what brings you here?
06:43I am here on official business.
06:45You will refer to me as Herr Flick.
06:47Yes, Herr Flick.
06:47And stand up when you talk to me.
06:49Yes, Herr Flick.
06:50Come here.
06:51Yes, Herr Flick.
06:52You are wearing perfume.
06:57You gave it to me, Herr Flick.
06:59That is no excuse.
07:00Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.
07:04Even if they are girls.
07:07Turn around.
07:09At least your hair is tidy.
07:12Turn around.
07:12Yes, Herr Flick.
07:13You wish me to tell the colonel that you're here?
07:16No.
07:17I will tell him myself.
07:19You wish me to kiss you?
07:22Well, just a little one.
07:35Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36You're welcome.
07:41Herr Lidler!
07:41Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.
07:50So it seems.
07:52We were just reading how well the war is going.
07:55There is a very good picture of the Führer on page three.
07:59I understand you shot a saboteur.
08:02Yes, Herr Flick.
08:03Was there any peasants present at the execution?
08:06A few, Herr Flick.
08:08Did you take their names?
08:09Did you take their names, Hans?
08:10Uh, I think there was one called Bobby.
08:14So, they might have been members of the resistance.
08:18They might have been members of the resistance, Hans.
08:20But you gave me no orders.
08:21That is no excuse.
08:23You should have asked them their names and addresses.
08:25You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like they're clappers.
08:30This being the case, you must attend the funeral.
08:33Funeral?
08:34Funeral.
08:35For the resistance, he's a hero.
08:37They will come to pay their respects.
08:39I will observe from a discreet distance.
08:42You will obtain names and photographs.
08:45A little.
08:45A little.
08:46Clap.
08:52Castares, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.
08:58I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.
09:01I wish she was.
09:03I'm dashed hungry.
09:05Oh, dinner time.
09:19It's that resistance girl, Michelle.
09:22Hello, chaps.
09:22Sorry about the cramped quarters.
09:24I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.
09:26It's not exactly luxurious, you know.
09:30Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.
09:34I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.
09:37Oh, good show.
09:39By the way, we're jolly thirsty.
09:42See the button on that feeder there?
09:44Press it with your nose and the trough will fill with water.
09:46Fairfax, that's okay.
09:49Toodle-oo.
09:50Toodle-oo.
09:52Yvette, quick.
09:54I want you upstairs.
09:55Oh?
09:56Oh, it is the wireless.
10:00Mama, we have to use the radio under your bed.
10:04Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?
10:08Mama, René is not dead.
10:11I saw it in full.
10:12I heard the shots with my own ear-trumpet.
10:18Ah!
10:18He has come towards me.
10:20Calls the priest.
10:22It is, René.
10:23He is alive.
10:24No, no, no.
10:25He is a phantom.
10:27See, my stick goes through here.
10:30You stupid old bat.
10:32Are you trying to kill me or something?
10:33Oh, it is a miracle.
10:36Oh, top of Easter wedding is cancelled.
10:40Take no notice of her.
10:41Get the better.
10:42You want to sleep?
10:44Come on.
10:45Oh, my God.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:49Oh.
10:50Oh.
10:53Who is this Monsieur Maurice?
10:55He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a cafe.
10:58But why does she want you to marry him?
11:00He has a bigger one than you have.
11:04But René does more behind the bar.
11:08This is true.
11:08Hello, hello.
11:12This is Nighthawk.
11:14Are you receiving me?
11:15Over.
11:16London is receiving you.
11:18Pass your message.
11:20Over.
11:20The N's are still in the N's house.
11:24Over.
11:25Over.
11:25Over.
11:25Over.
11:25What is so strange about that?
11:30Over.
11:32The two airmen want to go home.
11:35Over.
11:35Please use the code.
11:37Please use the code.
11:38Over.
11:38Over.
11:39The N's are still in the N's house.
11:42Over.
11:44Roger, Nighthawk.
11:45Now, listen very carefully.
11:48The big one will arrive at midnight.
11:52Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell you?
11:56Shut up.
11:58This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.
12:01That must be the new uniforms for the German officers, which they no longer need.
12:06And the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.
12:09Thank you, London, over and out, and things.
12:14There's a man downstairs.
12:15He says he is an undertaker.
12:17What does he want?
12:18He has come to measure you for the coffin.
12:21Oh, I forgot I was dead.
12:27Oh, good afternoon.
12:30Good afternoon.
12:31My name is Alphonse, director of funerals.
12:35My card.
12:36Ah, thank you.
12:37Swiftly and with style.
12:41I like that.
12:44Ah, this is the wife.
12:46Oh, my brother, René.
12:47The dead one.
12:49And this lady?
12:53Oh, that is Yvette.
12:54It's heaven, girl.
12:56I used to work under the deceased.
13:04Sad occasion.
13:05Tragic.
13:07Where is the body?
13:09In the office.
13:12Well, we have been moving him about a bit.
13:15Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.
13:18But first, we must decide on some distressing details.
13:22Of course, sir.
13:23If monsieur would like...
13:26Now, first...
13:31The coffin.
13:34Oak.
13:35Elm.
13:37Ash.
13:38Pine.
13:38which do you favor do you not have something a little bigger
13:49these are samples of the wood
13:56is 35,000 franc ash 25,000 franc elm 15,000 pain 10,000 franc
14:07this is very expensive do you not have something in orange box
14:14all my neighbors will expect eat eat it I am paying for this
14:21me in front of my neighbors no as you have chosen the oak you shall always
14:27want the bronze enders they last longer why should this be an advantage we're
14:35not pulling him up again and the brass name plate with the letters inlaid in
14:41silver matter suggest to my beloved husband sadly missed excuse me may I say
14:54something they shot him you cannot have sadly missed
15:04what does madam suggest he was brave he died for frogs long live de Gaulle the goal you
15:18know the one who scarpered there should be a poem the raffles fad the bullets it
15:30oh we shall miss that little man
15:36and pray it didn't hurt a bit
15:39it would be a 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs
15:5112,000 francs just put to buy
15:58I will pay there is provision in the will what will
16:01I found it it was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother
16:05it leaves everything to me
16:08I think there will very likely be another will
16:12well now it only remains for me to measure if you will pardon me
16:19the body
16:20oh well that is no problem I am his twin brother you can measure me
16:24Monsieur I am professional we have our etiquette
16:28if it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body
16:32every undertaker in France would laugh
16:35well that would be unusual I'm sure
16:38well perhaps before you measure if you will pardon me the body you would like a cognac
16:45oh that is most kind
16:47Yvette
16:49Edith when Monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac show him the body in the office
16:56but René
16:57René's body that's right
16:59Monsieur Alphonse I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you
17:02it is very difficult for me you understand
17:04of course of course Monsieur
17:32it is the unquiet spirit of my husband
17:48are we ready?
18:00are we ready?
18:01I hope so
18:02sorry
18:15of course I've had it
18:17thank you
18:19thank you
18:20thank you
18:21thank you
18:22yes
18:24madam
18:37Pardon?
19:01Why does he have flour on his face?
19:03When he was arrested, he was making a roly-poly pudding.
19:11Just think, we will never see his roly-poly again.
19:17Before I go, I will need the signature of the brother-in-law.
19:35Where do you think he is at the moment?
19:41Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he comes.
19:49Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he comes.
20:05Oh, I do not know, but I do not know, but I do not know, but I do not know.
20:25Are you finished?
20:27It is all done.
20:29How did he look?
20:31Terrible.
20:33Monsieur, monsieur.
20:35Of course.
20:39Thank you, sir.
20:43Thank you, thank you.
20:45Oh, monsieur.
20:47I have left my tape measure.
20:57We'll get it for you.
20:59We'll get it for you.
21:09Who is that?
21:10Don't open the door till I put the lid on.
21:16What does she want?
21:17Well, how do I know?
21:18Open the door and find out.
21:22Quick, all of you, inside.
21:25What is happening?
21:26Last night, the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies did not come by parachute.
21:30These did.
21:31They are being pursued by a German patrol.
21:33You must hide them for us.
21:35Well, what are they?
21:37Anti-tank mans.
21:38Treat them very gently.
21:40Keep a cool head.
21:41If the Germans find them, you will be shot.
21:43Well, at these prices, I cannot afford another funeral.
21:48We must go.
21:49Through the back.
21:52Well, where am I supposed to hide these?
21:54You will think of something, but hurry.
21:56The Germans may have seen us enter.
21:59Oh, German soldiers coming towards us.
22:01Oh, heck.
22:02Quick, in the coffin.
22:05Not you, these.
22:08What is all these bottles doing in the coffin of my husband?
22:12They are to make it heavy, so that when they lift it up, they think I am in it.
22:17Quick, the others, the rest.
22:19Oh.
22:21Wait till I put the lid on.
22:23All right, all right.
22:27What do you want?
22:28We demand anchorage.
22:29Stand aside.
22:31Why, you buzzery poor woman, in a time of grief.
22:36We are hunting members of the resistance, and they came in through this door.
22:40Well, we thought they were customers, but they came straight through and out the back.
22:45Did you see their faces?
22:46No.
22:47We were busy doing the screwing.
22:48What's going on?
22:49What were the soldiers doing?
22:50They were following the resistance.
22:51René, you must stop seeing those people.
22:53If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.
22:56And you might tell him about us!
22:57Oh, I would die before I did that, Colonel.
22:58I would try to arrange it.
23:02Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?
23:03Yes, Colonel, yes, I just finished, yes.
23:06René, you must stop seeing those people.
23:09If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.
23:12And you might tell him about us.
23:14Oh, I would die before I did that, Colonel.
23:16I would try to arrange it.
23:20Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?
23:21Yes, Colonel, yes. I've just finished, yes.
23:26Hans, the black pants.
23:29Are you coming to the funeral, Colonel?
23:31Of course.
23:32We were very fond of you.
23:36One word of warning.
23:39Herr Flick will be observing from the bushes.
23:42Make sure no members of the Resistance are there.
23:46Oh, of course, Colonel. Thank you for telling me.
23:53What's that?
23:54I paid for the bells.
23:56All the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects.
24:01How much did they cost?
24:02It was very cheap. 100 francs a bong.
24:05Oh, you are having 50 pounds, you see.
24:11What is this?
24:13The choir.
24:15How much did they cost?
24:17Well, they said you would give them the usual
24:19and then they giggled.
24:23They look very beautiful
24:25standing there with their candles.
24:28I'd like this when my turn comes.
24:31Or even before.
24:36There was a monk, oh boy.
24:38Shut up!
24:40What on earth is he doing here?
24:43He was 500 francs.
24:44The real priest was 3,000.
24:47Good choice, he did.
24:48We are gathered here
24:52to pay our respects
24:53to our good friend
24:55Rene.
24:581, 2, 3, 4.
25:012, 3, 4.
25:031, 2, 3, 4.
25:071, 2, 3, 4.
25:072, 3, 3.
25:072, 3, 4.
25:082, 3, 4.
25:111, 2, 3, 4.
25:13Bruno?
25:14Your guest is as good as mine.
25:192, 3.
25:202, 4.
25:231, 2, 3, 4.
25:24Something is happening.
25:26We must move to a better position.
25:28The back of the car, hair-flake?
25:30To observe the funeral.
25:49It's only an handful of my friends here.
25:52I thought you said the old village of Nuvion
25:54was turning out to mourn my passing.
25:56The Nuvion rangers are playing away.
26:03Ernie, hold on to my arm.
26:06Are you going to faint?
26:07No, I cannot see.
26:11Ernie, do you think the resistance
26:13will be very cross with us
26:15because we are burying the anti-tank mines in a coffin?
26:17That is their funeral.
26:19This is mine.
26:21Do you think we should go step?
26:23No, Hans.
26:24Yes, that would be very poor taste.
26:27As I had enough, we have with us
26:28the man who shot him.
26:31So paying orders.
26:33I was most upset
26:34as I uttered the word
26:36fire.
26:37I felt a complete rotter.
26:42This will do.
26:43They cannot see us here.
26:44You will bend over
26:46and touch your toes.
26:48What have you in mind, Hathalie?
26:50I wish to steady my binoculars.
26:52Yes.
26:57I wish to go.
26:58What is wrong?
27:27Hurry up.
27:28Who has the key?
27:30The priest has the key.
27:34Not you.
27:37The real priest.
27:39Where is he?
27:41He plays Cinderella for the Nuvian Rangers.
27:44We have had it.
27:49What is the problem?
27:51The priest has forgotten the key.
27:53Shall I shoot off the lock?
27:55If it wasn't for you and your shooting, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
27:59Can you all come back tomorrow?
28:02I won't keep until tomorrow.
28:05What?
28:06What?
28:07Boick.
28:08Heinz.
28:10Heinz.
28:11Something very strange is happening.
28:17What is that, Herr Flick?
28:18The coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction.
28:24What is that, Herr Flick?
28:25The coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction.
28:31Should we move to another position?
28:32No.
28:33We are quite safe here.
28:34Should we move to another position?
28:35No.
28:36We are quite safe here.
28:42Oh.
28:43Oh.
28:44Oh.
28:45Oh.
28:46Oh.
28:47Hi, Mrs.
28:50Hi.
28:51Hi, ma.
28:52Hi, ma.
28:53Hi, ma.
28:58Hi, ma.
28:59Hi.
29:00Hi, ma.
29:01Hi, ma.
29:02Hi go.
29:06Hi, ma.
29:11That was very amusing.
29:38That was not so amusing.
29:41That was not so amusing.
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