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Tv, Allo Allo S2E05 - The Duel
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00:00It is
00:29It is possible that you are wondering what I am doing lurking in my own henhouse.
00:34The reason is improbable but simple.
00:38I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse, an aging undertaker who has challenged me to a duel.
00:45Shut up!
00:46Your beaks closed.
00:49He is unhappy because Edith wants to marry me instead of him.
00:54I am unhappy because I have already been married to Edith.
00:57I have been shot by the Germans, I have been buried, and I have come back as my own twin brother.
01:05And now I am forced to hide in the henhouse.
01:10His seconds are looking for me to make arrangements for the duel, you see.
01:15Well, so far so good.
01:17René!
01:18Oh my God!
01:21René!
01:22It is I, Yvette!
01:32You may reveal yourself!
01:37What is happening?
01:39The seconds of Monsieur Alphonse have been to the cafe and departed.
01:43Oh, thank heavens.
01:44I hope that is the last we see of them.
01:48How did you get rid of them?
01:50I did not.
01:51It was Lieutenant Gruber.
01:53He received them on your behalf.
01:55Why do people always have to stick their noses into my business?
01:59René, he defended your reputation.
02:03They were saying that perhaps you had a yellow streak.
02:06It is highly likely.
02:07For one thing, I have been sitting all night on half a dozen eggs.
02:10Oh, dear.
02:19Here, gentlemen.
02:21A drink on the house.
02:23I am most grateful to you for upholding the honor of my future husband,
02:29who scarpered out of the scullery window because he has the courage of a hamster.
02:34I'm sure René would not run away like a coward.
02:37There will be an explanation.
02:39Of course there will.
02:41Oh, there is an explanation, Colonel.
02:43Yes, I was shelling peas in the kitchen.
02:47I saw a rabbit out of the window.
02:49I picked up the broom handle and tried to catch it for your dinner.
02:53Have I missed something?
02:54You have missed the seconds who were curling on you to fight for my honor.
02:58Oh, what a pity.
03:00And such a worthy cause.
03:03I would not have missed that for anything.
03:07Paul is not lost, René.
03:08Lieutenant Gruber has accepted the challenge on your behalf.
03:12Lieutenant Gruber is going to fight the undertaker?
03:15No.
03:15Uh, no.
03:17Well, as one of your closest friends, I have agreed to be second.
03:22Lieutenant Gruber knows all about this kind of thing.
03:25He was at Heidelberg.
03:27At Heidelberg, they fight for their honor all the time.
03:31Actually, in spite of the popular rumors about Heidelberg, fighting for one's honor is not compulsory.
03:37You can give in.
03:40But I know enough about the rules not to let you down.
03:44Yes, well, it is very kind of you, Lieutenant, but I have no intention of doing an Errol Flynn with an old undertaker.
03:50You are going to humiliate me in front of my friends.
03:53How will they find out?
03:55I have been on the phone all morning.
03:58The old village is going to turn out.
04:01If I could persuade Monsieur Alphonse to change it from dawn until midday, I could do the catering.
04:07I make a lot of money.
04:08Dave, my life is at stake and you are talking about catering.
04:12I, uh, I have, on your behalf, refused swords and have provisionally chosen pistols.
04:21He would prefer a knitting competition.
04:23I will, uh, present your compliments and agree with him the time and the place.
04:31How about South America, the Christmas after next?
04:34No, no, darn tomorrow.
04:37The woods will be misty and romantic.
04:40I shall dress dramatically in black.
04:43A black coat, a black dress, a black chiffon scarf, black gloves and a black hat.
04:48You do not give much for my chances, do you?
04:53Very, very, so be it.
04:55Heil Hitler.
04:56And, uh, do not worry, René.
04:58I shall be close by your side.
05:02I must down here and get my new black hat and black veil.
05:07René, don't go away.
05:09We have much to discuss.
05:10Eh, but so little time.
05:13Hans, René is far too valuable to us to lose in a silly duel.
05:19He has our painting and a sausage in his cellar.
05:21And he supplies us with girls.
05:23Precisely.
05:24So I have a plan.
05:27René, we will hold battle manoeuvres tomorrow morning.
05:30By chance, in the area of the duel, we will have some machine guns, armoured cars and troops.
05:37Just before the duel starts, we will open up with everything.
05:42And the undertaker will unfortunately get in the way.
05:47We will apologise.
05:49And there will be no repercussions because he's only a Frenchman.
05:52Could you not just wound him a little bit?
05:55Oh, yeah.
05:55With a 25-pound shell, that is not easy.
06:00Send it to me at once.
06:04Anything serious, hair flick?
06:06There is for me a telegram.
06:07It is being brought to me by hand.
06:10We will continue our game of Monopoly.
06:13Brought round with the dice.
06:16Be careful not to serve five,
06:19or you will land on my hotel in the Wilhelmstrasse.
06:24Ah, a seven.
06:27Stop!
06:28That is not your token.
06:29That is my staff car.
06:31You are the high-heeled jackboot.
06:35One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
06:38Ah, you take a card.
06:40What does it say?
06:43I have been hit with a rubber truncheon and missed three moves.
06:48Ah, jeez.
06:49Six.
06:50Go directly to Hitler's bunker.
07:04Do not pass go.
07:06Do not collect 200 marks.
07:09It up.
07:10What do you want, von Smallhausen?
07:18Telegram, Herr Flick.
07:19Go away.
07:29Bad news, Herr Flick?
07:31It is from my godfather.
07:33Himmler?
07:34Experts have reassembled Bond sausage.
07:37No trace of painting.
07:38Adolf, way offhand at dinner last night, did not laugh at my jokes.
07:45The last colonel who sent Telegram, love Uncle Heinrich.
07:49Arrest the colonel?
07:50Oh, this is terrible.
07:53Helga, what do you know of this?
07:56Nothing, Herr Flick.
07:57You are lying.
07:58You will answer my questions.
07:59Sit down.
08:00Yes.
08:01Who put the sausage on the train?
08:03I did, Herr Flick.
08:04Who gave you the sausage?
08:05The colonel.
08:06What's the painting inside the sausage?
08:08I could not tell, Herr Flick, without biting a bit off the end.
08:12Why did you not do this?
08:14I could not send to Hitler a bitten sausage.
08:17True, that was good thinking.
08:20It is therefore clear that the sausage containing the painting that I gave to the colonel,
08:26which was a forgery but which he thought was genuine,
08:29was not sent to Berlin but was substituted by him for a normal knockwurst.
08:34The sausage containing the painting has been kept by him to sell after the war,
08:39which will not be possible because it is a forgery.
08:42And the real painting is hidden in the Gestapo sausage
08:45which is hanging with similar sausages in René's kitchen.
08:49Correct me if I am wrong.
08:50I wouldn't dream of it, Herr Flick.
08:53My course of action is clear.
08:56We will arrest the colonel and the captain at once.
08:59Shall I come with you?
09:00You may be tempted to warn them out of misplaced loyalty.
09:04You will stay here.
09:05What's this, Herr Flick?
09:08Sir, you do not use the telephone.
09:13I will return by early evening.
09:16Would you care to stay for dinner?
09:19How could I refuse?
09:21It's a date.
09:23Oh, Maria.
09:32Why have you kept me waiting so long?
09:34I was telephoning the undertaker to see if we could come to some arrangement.
09:38What happened?
09:39What happened?
09:39He offered to bury me at trade prices.
09:42Oh, René.
09:45René.
09:45René.
09:46Hmm?
09:47Crush my lips with your lips.
09:50Do all those things you do that drive me crazy with raging desire?
09:54Maria, we are only in the broom cupboard.
09:59René.
10:00René.
10:01René.
10:02René.
10:04René.
10:04What are you doing in the broom cupboard with Maria?
10:08You stupid woman.
10:10It is quite obvious what I am doing in the broom cupboard with Maria.
10:13You know you do not like me telling off the staff in front of customers.
10:17I was just reprimanding her in here.
10:21So, the next time a customer calls, you come running, hmm?
10:25Yes, René.
10:26And that is the last time I shall tell you this.
10:28Very likely.
10:34What did you do in the war, Grandpa?
10:39I was sewing a lady's silk knickers to a torn balloon so that the British airman could escape me.
10:48Have you not finished that balloon yet?
10:50Soon the restaurant will be full and this place will be crawling with Germans.
10:55Don't move.
10:58Now listen very carefully.
11:00I shall say this only once.
11:03The basket has been woven by the weavers of Wimoro.
11:12Forgive me, I do not have my code book.
11:14What does that mean?
11:15Exactly what it says.
11:18The basket is ready to be attached to the balloon.
11:22Ah, good.
11:22René, customers.
11:24Oh, heck.
11:25Look, you must be out of here in ten minutes, hmm?
11:30Oh, Michel.
11:31We have not repaired all the oils in the silk balloon.
11:34We shall require one more pair of silk knickers.
11:37I will give you my last pair for France.
11:45Remove them behind the curtain.
11:47There is a man present.
11:52Oh, do not worry.
11:55I have seen it all before.
11:58What a very long time ago.
12:02No, just a moment ago when I dropped my needle.
12:09Well, we are hoping to start about seven, but it is best you get there early.
12:14We are expecting a crown.
12:15And there will be coffee and sandwiches afterwards.
12:21Whatever happens.
12:24Tell them we are hoping for an home win.
12:27Yes.
12:28I'll see you then.
12:31Oh, so many friends.
12:40Oh, Annette.
12:41Oh, Annette.
12:42Oh, Annette.
12:42Oh, Annette.
12:43Oh, I admire you.
12:46You are like a rock.
12:47I know this to be a quality you appreciate in a man.
12:52Oh, but I'm so worried.
12:54Why?
12:55Well, I hear Monsieur Alphonse is a crack shot.
12:58There was a competition.
12:59He put one of his balls through a playing card at 20 bases.
13:05Quite a feat.
13:07This is how he started in the undertaking business.
13:11Yvette, normally I would be worried by such news.
13:15But I have a secret arrangement with the colonel.
13:17Hmm.
13:18At the time of the duel, he will be on exercises with tanks and troops and machine guns and
13:23things.
13:24And he has promised to take care of the undertaker.
13:26Oh, oh, could you not take care of your wife at the same time?
13:33I could mention it, I suppose.
13:35I might be pushing my luck.
13:38I am talking of pushing my luck.
13:40Oh, it's that English idiot who thinks he can speak our language.
13:43Good-bye to you.
13:46You see, he has heard about the duel.
13:50Are we a loon?
13:52I wish to tick to you.
13:55Tick?
13:57He means talk.
13:59Ah.
14:00Yeah, we are a loon.
14:02So tick away.
14:03The English airmen are no linger in the car.
14:12Oh, good.
14:13Well, where are they then?
14:15I will kill them.
14:19In here, chaps.
14:22You will never get away with that.
14:25You cannot pass those two idiots off as French policemen.
14:28I'll give them quick curse in the French long watch.
14:31It's nose to spike your tongue.
14:38Pleased to meet you, sir.
14:41Oh, wait.
14:42Germans, quick, in the back room.
14:44Officer, if you wish to search my premises,
14:47I have nothing to hide.
14:48Start in the back room.
14:50Take care of the crowds.
14:51Ah, good.
14:53Good, I'll show you.
14:56Listen carefully.
14:58The balloon is ready.
14:59It will be taken and hidden in the old ruined barn,
15:02five kilometres to the north of town.
15:05When the wind is favourable,
15:07a message will be sent.
15:08You, René, will guide the airmen to the barn,
15:11where they will take off and head for home.
15:13Oh, I do not wish to be a wet blanket,
15:16but I do have a duel in the morning, you know.
15:19What if I am killed?
15:21Oh, then Monsieur Leclerc will guide them.
15:23I must go now to the ironmonger.
15:25He is preparing the bleu lamps,
15:28which will provide the hot air for the balloon.
15:31René, Air Flick has been here.
15:33Air Flick of the Gestapo?
15:34Quick, we will have scooped through the window.
15:37No, he will be getting into his car.
15:39We will see you.
15:40What did he want?
15:41He had not seen these two disguised as policemen, had he?
15:43No, he was looking for the colonel.
15:45He has gone round to their headquarters.
15:47Did he want to check on his sausage?
15:49No.
15:49He cancelled his table
15:52and ordered two large portions of hot pot to take away.
15:55That means a nice, quiet dinner with Elgar
15:57in the dungeon this evening.
16:00Oh, it is secret.
16:01Oh, it is.
16:03Why do you leave me for so long alone?
16:06Oh, I am sorry, Mama,
16:08but I was trying on my new black hat for the duel.
16:11Ah, this is a duel.
16:12Now, it is.
16:13I have been thinking.
16:15I wish to be there early.
16:19I want to be in the front row.
16:23It is history repeating itself.
16:27Men have fought over me, you know, when I was young.
16:31I was loved by two tram drivers at the same time.
16:38Did they fight with pistons or with swords?
16:41Oh, trams.
16:44Oh, I shall never forget it.
16:48They drove furiously towards one another,
16:54each from its own depot,
16:57ringing the bells and shouting,
17:00no room on top.
17:03What happened?
17:05Oh, well, there was a power cut.
17:08So, er,
17:11I ran away
17:13with the inspector.
17:22Herr Frick,
17:22could you not free my other hand?
17:25It is very difficult to chase peas
17:26using only a fork.
17:29I'm sorry, Helga.
17:30I cannot risk you evading me
17:32and in your misplaced loyalty
17:34informing the colonel.
17:36I keep telling you,
17:37I do not know where the colonel is.
17:40I do not believe you, Helga.
17:42And if you do not talk,
17:44you will get no pudding.
17:47It is jam roly-poly.
17:50You are a ruthless man, Herr Frick.
17:55Enter.
18:03We have traced the colonel
18:05and the capitan, Herr Frick.
18:07They are out on maneuvers.
18:10Good.
18:11Go away.
18:14Too fast!
18:15As soon as it is daylight,
18:20we will arrest them.
18:22In the meantime,
18:23we will remain here.
18:25If you do not trust me, Herr Frick,
18:28what sort of life
18:29will we have together
18:30after the war?
18:31I will take you
18:32for beautiful walks
18:34on a short lead.
18:37You make me feel
18:38like a wild animal.
18:41It's mutual.
18:45It is five o'clock.
19:11You must not be late
19:16for the duo.
19:18But, Edie,
19:19that is not until seven.
19:21Oh.
19:23I know,
19:24but I have to dress
19:25and make up
19:27and iron your shirt.
19:29You are not going
19:29to the woods
19:30looking a mess.
19:33She thinks that men
19:34are prepared
19:35to die for me.
19:37It is unbelievable,
19:39is it?
19:39Benny,
19:44go down
19:45and see who's
19:45at the door.
19:46Oh,
19:47who can that be
19:48at this hour?
19:50It may be
19:50somebody wanted
19:51to buy tickets.
19:53You have been
19:54selling tickets.
19:56It's only
19:56for the front row.
19:57I have your trousers here.
20:14My bedman pressed them
20:15for me.
20:16How kind,
20:17lieutenant.
20:17You think of everything.
20:19I, uh,
20:20I also had them
20:21widened a little.
20:22They're more fashionable.
20:24Would you like to try
20:25them all now?
20:26Uh,
20:26not in front
20:27of the girls,
20:28no.
20:28The girls will go away.
20:30Back to bed,
20:31ladies.
20:31Shoo, shoo.
20:32This is an affair
20:33between men.
20:37Do not hesitate
20:38to pop down
20:39if you want
20:40a glass of water
20:41or some cigarettes
20:42or if I ring
20:43the bell
20:44or anything.
20:47René,
20:48I,
20:48I hope
20:49this affair
20:50turns out
20:51satisfactorily.
20:52So do I.
20:55I,
20:55I do not
20:57know how
20:58to say this,
20:58René.
21:00I have always
21:01admired you,
21:02but just
21:03at this moment
21:04I find it
21:04hard to express
21:06in words
21:06all my feelings.
21:09Well,
21:10keep trying
21:10with the words.
21:12I'm sure
21:13they will come
21:13to you
21:13in the end.
21:15I would like
21:15you to wear
21:16this locket
21:16of mine
21:17for good luck.
21:18Oh,
21:18I was thinking
21:20more along
21:21these lines.
21:25René,
21:26take my advice.
21:27Do not wear
21:28that.
21:29It will only
21:30flatten the ball
21:31on its way
21:31through
21:32and make
21:32an even bigger
21:33hole.
21:35Oh,
21:36what are you
21:36doing all dressed
21:37up like
21:38the mad atter?
21:38It is I,
21:41Littler.
21:42I am
21:43to be
21:44your other
21:45second.
21:46Well,
21:46what are all
21:47these for?
21:47Are you
21:47expecting to
21:48clean up
21:49the forest
21:49after I am
21:50shot?
21:51I am
21:52to wash
21:53the floor
21:53ready for
21:54the party
21:54afterwards.
22:08good.
22:26We are here
22:27first.
22:29Give me my
22:31opera glasses.
22:33I do not wish
22:34to miss
22:35anything.
22:52Tickets,
22:53please.
22:53I knew
23:02that one
23:02day
23:03that would
23:03come in
23:04use.
23:07What?
23:08Oh,
23:09Monsieur
23:10Arphonse.
23:11How elegant
23:12he looks.
23:16Madame,
23:17this must be
23:20your sister.
23:22My mother?
23:23Unbelievable.
23:25You are so
23:26young,
23:27so vivacious.
23:31Take
23:32these so
23:32you can
23:33see to
23:33shoot.
23:34there he
23:47is.
23:49He has
23:50both his
23:50seconds with
23:51him.
23:55We cannot
23:55start yet
23:56because I am
23:57not ready.
23:58Besides,
23:58Gruber is not
23:59here.
23:59Do not
23:59worry.
24:00He has
24:01gone for
24:01the kit
24:02of the
24:02first aid.
24:03I hope
24:03he will
24:03not be
24:04long.
24:04This
24:05coal
24:05scuttle
24:05is tight
24:06under
24:06the
24:06arm.
24:07It is
24:08just
24:08insurance.
24:10Anyway,
24:10the German
24:11army will
24:11be here
24:12to save
24:12you.
24:13That
24:13makes me
24:14feel
24:14very
24:14brave.
24:17Where
24:17are they
24:18exactly?
24:20You
24:20cannot
24:20see them,
24:21Ren.
24:22They are
24:22camouflaged.
24:24But I
24:25have heard
24:25rustlings
24:26in the
24:26woods.
24:28Oh,
24:29René.
24:31Oh,
24:32how
24:32handsome
24:33you
24:34look.
24:34Oh,
24:35this is
24:37our hopes
24:38you would
24:39be on
24:39our
24:40wedding
24:40day.
24:43Excuse
24:43me,
24:44it is
24:44the
24:44handle
24:45of the
24:45coast.
24:45step
24:47This is
24:49James
24:50Google.
24:52Quick,
24:52the rest
24:52of my
24:53clothes.
24:59Gentlemen,
25:00your attention
25:00please be brave girls dear girls
25:30before proceeding to either of you wish to apologize well and may have been a bit
25:43a certainly not behaved like a pig you will die like a pig very well monsieur
25:54you are showing a lot of metal rene what distance I have loaded choose you choose monsieur
26:05you will start back to back upon the command march you will walk ten paces upon the command
26:23hold upon the command turn turn and fire is this clear crystal clear right we must proceed
26:37first my personal farewells rene the french way
26:53miss your phones
27:01thank you monsieur I hardly know you
27:13farewell Edith
27:18farewell Edith
27:24Edith I am talking to you I am about to get shot here and you take no notice
27:33but hey I am just catching up on the gossip bye bye rene
27:41maria yvette farewell madame la montaigne farewell
27:52who's madame la montaigne so gentlemen let us take up our positions
28:01back to back
28:10excuse me one moment
28:13bad news lieutenant colonel von strom and captain gearing have been arrested by the gestapo and the maneuvers have been cancelled
28:17are the gestapo are the gestapo allowed to do this I shall investigate quite right after the duel what do you not think you should do it right away I mean I mean we can do this any old time
28:24get on with these
28:26back to back
28:48cock
28:53cock
28:56graham oh monsieur
28:57what
28:58one
29:01two
29:02three
29:03four
29:05five
29:07six
29:08seven
29:09eight
29:10nine
29:11ten
29:12ha
29:13ha
29:14ha
29:15ha
29:16ha
29:17ha
29:18Nancy, boy!
29:29What about my honor?
29:32And my customers?
29:37His shirt is torn.
29:40Is he wounded?
29:41No, but I can't see a dent in his skulls, Catalina.
29:48I can't see a dent in his skull.
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