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Tv, Allo Allo S7E03 - Fleeing Monks
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00:00Oh, you see me all dressed up like a balding penguin
00:21because this morning I have been summoned to the colonel's office
00:25to receive a collaboration medal from General von Klinkerofen.
00:29The General is under the impression that I helped Lieutenant Gruber and the Colonel
00:33blow up his rival, General von Flockenstufen, with a stick of dynamite
00:38which he had picked up in mistake for a candle
00:41to go and search in my cellar for a better quality bottle of wine.
00:45There was a huge bang.
00:47He lost his senses. I lost 42 cases of cheap Plonk.
00:52I am now an hero to the Germans
00:54but if I collect this collaboration medal
00:56I will be very unpopular in the village.
00:59It is a serious problem for me.
01:00I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
01:03Oh, René. René, it is dreadful.
01:05The old village knows that you are going to get a medal from the Germans.
01:09Oh, my God.
01:10They would not serve me in the shops.
01:12They called me the wife of a collaborator.
01:14Oh, look.
01:16Even the pigeons were out to get me.
01:18Oh, Monsieur.
01:20It is not good for you.
01:22They have threatened to burn down the cafe.
01:24Oh, no.
01:25Even a lynching has been mentioned.
01:28All right.
01:29You do not have to rub it in.
01:31Oh, one must make preparations, Monsieur.
01:33Hmm?
01:33Do you have any requests for the wording on your tombstone?
01:38That is ridiculous.
01:40That is ridicu...
01:41Everybody knows that I am not a collaborator.
01:45They do not mean all these things.
01:47They are saying...
01:48Good grief.
01:51That could have killed me.
01:53I think that was the intention.
01:55There is a note on the brick.
01:56What does it say?
01:57Next time, our aim will be better.
02:00Oh, René.
02:01What shall we do?
02:03I do not want to become a widow.
02:05It is so aging.
02:08Calm yourself, Edith.
02:09This must be some big mistake.
02:12René.
02:13The postman gave me a parcel for you.
02:15For me?
02:16Is it ticking?
02:18No.
02:18Oh, well, throw it away in any case, Mimi.
02:20It could be anything.
02:21I am not afraid.
02:23I will open it.
02:24Oh.
02:26Ah.
02:27My God, an hangman's noose.
02:31No, René.
02:32It is the detachable tie I ordered for you.
02:35It is ideal for soup stains.
02:37See?
02:37You just detach the tie like this
02:40and fix on one of the spares.
02:42Oh, I have no time for that.
02:44Oh, that would be wonderful in my business.
02:46I'm always splashing my tie.
02:48There, then, you are me.
02:50Oh.
02:50Ah!
02:51Oh, Edith.
02:51Do not do that.
02:52What is it?
02:53Michelle is in the back room.
02:54She wishes to speak to you urgently.
02:56Oh, Edith.
02:56What does she want now?
02:58Mimi, Yvette, clear up this broken glass, would you?
03:00I have bought these for you, René.
03:05Oh, not another parcel.
03:07What is the matter?
03:08These are monks' outfits to disguise the British airmen.
03:12What?
03:13Listen very carefully.
03:14I shall say this only once.
03:16The light aircraft from London will be arriving shortly to pick up the British airmen.
03:22But why do they have to disguise themselves as monks?
03:25Is that not obvious?
03:27There is a curfew in the village.
03:30However, the monks from the monastery of St. Crispin the Silent have permission to break
03:35the curfew for their midnight vigil to celebrate the one occasion St. Crispin spoke.
03:40What did he say?
03:41Goodbye.
03:44Now, there are three monks' costumes here.
03:47Three?
03:47But there were only two British airmen.
03:49The third is for René.
03:50He will accompany the airmen to make sure they find the right field.
03:53It is out of the question.
03:54I have enough problems as it is.
03:56A brick has just been thrown through my window because I am getting a German collaborator's
04:00medal.
04:01Oh, then you must not accept it.
04:02It is easier said than done.
04:04You must tell everybody that I am a loyal friend to the resistance.
04:07Well, if you help the resistance, I will do my best to save your windows.
04:11And if I do not?
04:13Expect a brick from me.
04:16I do not seem to have much choice.
04:18But they will still lynch me if I get the collaboration medal.
04:20And if I refuse it, General von Klinker often will immediately suspect that I am working
04:24for the resistance and have me shot.
04:26Either way, monsieur, you are done for.
04:29Well, whatever they do, you can rest assured you will be buried with full resistance honours.
04:34Oh, that is a great comfort.
04:36Will you stop doing that?
04:37Oh, well, Michelle is right.
04:39You must refuse the medal.
04:41It is impossible, Edith.
04:43I am due there any minute.
04:44What grounds do I have for...
04:46Unless...
04:47What is it?
04:48Yes.
04:49Michelle has given me an idea.
04:51If the resistance cannot help me, maybe St. Crispin can.
04:57St. Crispin?
04:59Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
05:00He is cracking up already under this drain.
05:03He has not said a prayer since the night of our honeymoon.
05:08I have a terrible headache, Gruber.
05:10I am too old for all this drinking.
05:15Colonel, René from the café is here for the medal presentation.
05:18Oh, very well. Show him in.
05:22Guards!
05:23So loud, Helga, the colonel has a hangover.
05:28Bring him in here.
05:37Go away!
05:42René, what on earth are you doing dressed up as a monk?
05:46I have come to tell you I cannot accept the collaboration medal.
05:50What do you mean, René?
05:51You have not really become a monk, have you?
05:54I have renounced my former life,
05:56and I am forbidden by my vows to accept any worldly goods
05:59because I have joined the order of St. Crispin the Silent.
06:03For a silent monk, you're doing an awful lot of talking.
06:05I am only a novice,
06:08but I am thinking of giving my life to the cause.
06:11A voice has whispered in my ear
06:13that I should live apart from society
06:14with other men of the same persuasion.
06:21Yes, I can see that might have its attractions.
06:24But surely this is a bit drastic.
06:27It is the only way.
06:29And is this rough cloth not uncomfortable?
06:33There are no comforts in the monastery, Lieutenant.
06:35I am already late for scourging.
06:38I'm not sure that becoming a monk, René,
06:41is adequate excuse for refusing a medal.
06:44Please, Colonel, if I get that medal,
06:47not only will I break my vows,
06:48but the people of Nuvion will assassinate me as a collaborator.
06:52No.
06:52Yes, there have been threats already.
06:55Colonel, perhaps we should reconsider this.
06:58After all, René has done us many favours.
07:01Do not mention that.
07:02There's nothing we can do.
07:04They will burn down my café,
07:06and then you will have nowhere to go
07:07for entertainment in the evenings.
07:09No more fun with the girls.
07:11No more wet celery.
07:15What about the egg whisk?
07:19You're right, Kruber.
07:20This is serious.
07:22We must think of a way
07:23to get General von Klinkhofen
07:26to change his mind about the medal.
07:28Lie low for a while, René.
07:31If monastery life becomes too hard,
07:34you can come and stay in my room at the chateau.
07:38Thank you, Lieutenant.
07:40Let us hope it does not come to that.
07:44General von Klinkhofen is here, Colonel.
07:47Please, Lieutenant, do not expose me.
07:49No, I must not receive that medal.
07:52Do not worry, René.
07:53Leave this to me.
07:56Hi, Hitler.
07:57Hi, Hitler.
07:59Who is the old man in the dressing gown?
08:03He is a monk, General,
08:06collecting for the local monastery restoration.
08:10Would you like to donate something?
08:13That would be ridiculous, Kruber.
08:14The German army doesn't give to the church.
08:17It takes from it.
08:20Your face is familiar.
08:22What is your name?
08:23He is a silent monk.
08:25He cannot speak.
08:29Get out.
08:30We are running a war here, not a charity.
08:37Yes, General.
08:39Good God.
08:40Colonel, what have you done to this room?
08:42What is this ghastly carpet and these awful pictures?
08:45It was General von Flockenstaufen's idea.
08:48It looks like a bordello.
08:50That's what I thought, but I couldn't say so.
08:53Now, Kruber chose the paintings and the colour of the car.
08:58He was very coolly.
09:01I was only acting under orders.
09:04Now, where is the brave French peasant
09:07who is to receive the collaboration medal?
09:09I am afraid he is not well enough to attend, General.
09:12The explosion which blew up General von Flockenstaufen
09:15left him in rather a bad state of shock.
09:18Perhaps it's as well he's not here at present.
09:20I haven't yet received permission from Berlin
09:22to give the award,
09:23but I'm expecting authorization any moment.
09:25Okay, I'm back.
09:28You must not be glad to see me, no?
09:31No.
09:33I had a very tough time in the hospital.
09:35It's no easy playing the fruiter kiker, you know.
09:38Shouldn't be difficult for you.
09:41But what happened to the General Flocken, uh,
09:43what's his name?
09:44Staffing.
09:45Was he?
09:47That's a tough luck.
09:49Now that I'm back in charge,
09:51I want one thing to be absolutely clear.
09:53We are not on holiday here.
09:55I will not tolerate schlacking.
09:57Is that clear?
09:59Yes, General.
10:00Good.
10:01Colonel, get this room redecorated,
10:03and this time you choose the colors.
10:05I will make it look very manly.
10:09Heil Hitler!
10:10Heil Hitler!
10:11Heil Mussolini!
10:12Thank you very much for dropping me in it.
10:19It was a pleasure.
10:23See who it is, von Smallhausen.
10:26If they are selling anything,
10:27tell them to go away,
10:28or we will have them shot.
10:30Yes, Heflick.
10:31It is Helga.
10:35I have brought you some intelligence, Heflick.
10:38And what is this intelligence?
10:40The owner of the cafe in the square,
10:41René Artois,
10:42has become a monk,
10:43and has joined the holy order
10:45of St Crispin the Silent.
10:47This is most interesting, Helga.
10:49Now,
10:50why would he do that?
10:52I have an idea.
10:54I hope it is a sensible idea.
10:56Perhaps he is tired of the material world,
10:59and wishes to find solace
11:00in the simple life of beads and embroidery,
11:03the peace and tranquility of the monastery,
11:06birds singing,
11:07matins being sung,
11:09the soft tapping of sandals in the cloisters.
11:13That is one of the longest ideas I have ever heard.
11:18You are nincompoop, von Smallhausen.
11:20But is it not possible, Heflick?
11:23We are all familiar with René Artois.
11:26I do not believe that a man
11:28with his earthy appetites
11:30would willingly go into a monastery
11:32where the monks fast regularly,
11:34wear very itchy clothes,
11:36and are permanently deprived of nookie.
11:39Particularly,
11:40as René Artois
11:41digs a bit of enky-penky
11:43with his two waitresses.
11:45Both of them?
11:46He is not known as
11:47MĂ©nage Artois for nothing.
11:50My keen analytical mind
11:55tells me
11:56that this has something to do
11:58with the British airmen.
11:59You could be right, Heflick.
12:02What better place to hide them
12:04than in a monastery
12:04where they can mingle unnoticed
12:06with the monks?
12:08Von Smallhausen,
12:09you will acquire for us
12:10two monks' outfits.
12:12One medium-sized one for me,
12:14one midget-sized one for you.
12:16We will enter the monastery
12:18and sniff around.
12:20Heflick,
12:21if you go into the monastery,
12:23will you not too be on short rations
12:24as far as Nookie is concerned?
12:27You are right, Helga.
12:28If I am to renounce these pleasures,
12:30we had better have a final snog now.
12:33And short rations too, Heflick?
12:36Owing to your size, Von Smallhausen,
12:38you are always on short rations.
12:41Go behind the screen.
12:45And no peeping.
12:49You may kiss me now, Helga.
12:51I said, no peeping.
13:02René!
13:03It is me, Louise!
13:05Do not do that.
13:06I have had enough shocks already today.
13:08Oh, René, it's good to see you again.
13:11Hold me.
13:12Oh, my dear.
13:13I need all the friends I can get.
13:15Oh.
13:17What is that I feel
13:20between us?
13:24Oh, it's only my pistol
13:26and a couple of hand grenades.
13:28That is a relief.
13:30Oh, no, no, no.
13:32It is such a pity
13:34we have to pass this way.
13:36What do you mean?
13:37You are a collaborator.
13:38The Germans are giving you a medal.
13:40The girls of the Communist Resistance
13:42have drawn stores
13:42to decide who should execute you.
13:44Execute me?
13:45But I have not yet received that medal.
13:47The sentence has been passed, René.
13:49I must do it.
13:50Oh, you cannot just shoot me here.
13:53I will drop down
13:54and ruin my cobbles.
13:57Can you not just let me off?
13:58It is terrible for me, too, René.
14:00I shall kill myself
14:01immediately afterwards.
14:03Oh, that is no consolation for me.
14:05Please.
14:06I have always loved you, Denise.
14:08Louise?
14:09Louise, sorry.
14:11No, no, no.
14:11For the sake of the past,
14:13spare me.
14:14Oh, René.
14:15My love for you is too strong.
14:17I will give you 24 hours to leave town.
14:19Then I will come after you.
14:21Oh, well, I suppose that is better than nothing.
14:24Oh, goodbye, René.
14:26And good luck.
14:27Oh, these threats will be the death of me.
14:32René, you are trembling.
14:38Are you all right?
14:39Louise of the Communist Resistance
14:41has given me 24 hours to leave town
14:44and then she is going to shoot me.
14:46Oh, René, no.
14:47Oh, Yvette.
14:48You have always been a comfort.
14:51Oh, the world seems to be gunning for me.
14:54My heart is pounding with worry.
14:57Oh, and mine is pounding in sympathy.
15:00Oh, feel it.
15:05I will take your word for that.
15:07Oh, René, what are we going to do?
15:09I do not know.
15:11If only we could flee to England in that plane
15:13in place of the British Airmen tonight.
15:15Oh, Yvette.
15:16I would need an overpowering reason
15:18to double-cross the Resistance
15:19and leave the Airmen behind.
15:21But if you do not escape, you will be shot.
15:24That is an overpowering reason.
15:27What are we going to do?
15:28I will think of something.
15:29In the meantime,
15:30we must get an extra monk's costume
15:32for you to avoid the curfew.
15:34Oh, where am I going to get that?
15:36Go to the police station.
15:37Ask Officer Crabtree to contact Michelle
15:39and get an extra one from her.
15:41But what excuse shall I give?
15:43Well, say, the one that Michelle gave me
15:44was too small.
15:45Oh, René, you are so clever.
15:53René!
15:55What are you doing
15:56holding that servant girl in your arms?
15:58You stupid woman.
16:02Can you not see
16:03this poor child is distressed
16:05because of all the threats
16:06I have been receiving
16:07and the way that they worry
16:08my beloved wife?
16:09That is you, Edie.
16:14Now, there, there, child.
16:15Go on, go and lie down
16:16in a darkened room.
16:18Oh, what loyalty.
16:21Oh, forgive me, René.
16:22I am not myself.
16:24All these threats
16:25have made me wobbly all over.
16:27Hold me tight.
16:28Huh?
16:29Oh, if only there was
16:30some way of saving you.
16:31There is.
16:32I am going to England
16:33tonight with the airmen.
16:35Oh, René, to England?
16:38It is the only solution.
16:40You are right.
16:41I will come with you.
16:43What?
16:44My place is by your side.
16:46Now, now, Edith,
16:47do not be hasty.
16:48No, no, you must,
16:49you must stay here
16:50and look after the cafe
16:51until the war is over.
16:53You must stay here
16:54and keep the business going.
16:56Of course I will.
16:58Oh.
16:58You can rely on me.
17:00Oh, René.
17:02This may be our last living together
17:04for goodness knows how long.
17:06Should we not make it
17:07an occasion to remember?
17:09That is a nice thought, Edith.
17:13But if I am going to be
17:15a monk tonight,
17:16I had better get into the habit.
17:21I will just go and practice
17:22scourging myself.
17:33This must be it.
17:35What does the sign say?
17:40The Holy Order of St. Crispin the Silent.
17:44If you are tired of sin,
17:46come inside.
17:47And what does someone
17:48scrawl underneath?
17:51If you are not tired of sin,
17:53phone Nouvion 346
17:54and ask for pity.
17:57Put all thought of sin
17:58from your mind,
17:59von Smallhausen.
18:00We must act the part of monks.
18:05Yes, Herr Flick.
18:07Do not call me Herr Flick.
18:08I am Brother Otto now.
18:16Ah, good day, brothers.
18:18You are welcome.
18:19And what brings you
18:21to our monastery?
18:23I thought this was
18:24a silent order.
18:25We are silent
18:26between the bells
18:27of the sixth and twelfth.
18:29We are traveling monks
18:31who have tired of the road
18:32and wish to find solitude
18:33in your order.
18:35Here first,
18:35you must agree
18:36to abide by the rules
18:38of the monastery
18:39and to follow
18:40at all times
18:41the powers of poverty,
18:43chastity,
18:44obedience
18:45and silence
18:46between the bells.
18:48We agree.
18:49Very well.
18:51Have you any
18:52money
18:53or worldly goods
18:54on you?
18:55A few coins,
18:56that is all.
18:57And the boba.
18:58And your spectacles?
19:07Our spectacles?
19:09They are worldly fritteries,
19:11unbecoming in men of God.
19:14But I cannot see
19:15without them.
19:16Saint Christopher
19:16will guide you.
19:17You must have your
19:34heads shaved, too.
19:36We have already
19:37shaved them.
19:40Completely!
19:40Every hair
19:42on the body
19:43must be removed
19:44so you are truly
19:46naked
19:46before your maker.
19:48The monastery,
19:50Barbara,
19:50Brother Sweeney,
19:52will let him,
19:53gentlemen.
19:54But first,
19:54a little refreshment
19:56after your journey.
19:57Good.
19:58I'm fackish.
19:59Your ration is
20:00a slice of bread
20:02and a piece of jism.
20:03Per meal?
20:04Per day.
20:05We do not believe
20:06in comparing the body.
20:07Ah, you have arrived
20:11just in time.
20:12It is the hour
20:13of scourging.
20:18All monks
20:19must discipline
20:20themselves
20:20once a day.
20:22Uh, give me
20:23the whip, Father.
20:24We will do it later.
20:25No, in honor
20:26of your arrival
20:27on this occasion
20:29I will do it
20:30for you.
20:31Take them
20:31to the scourging room.
20:37Is this fast
20:40not a good idea
20:41from school housing?
20:46Oh, René.
20:48Just think
20:49in a few hours
20:50we will be together
20:51for all time.
20:52Oh, Yvette.
20:54Somebody is coming.
20:56Good morning.
20:58It is you.
20:59What were you doing upstairs?
21:01I have just delivered
21:02the extra minx
21:03disguise for you.
21:05It is bogger
21:06than the other one.
21:08Where have you put it?
21:10Under the bod
21:10of your mither-in-loo
21:11where no one
21:12will fond it.
21:14Good.
21:15Where are the earmen?
21:16They are in the kitchen.
21:18Tick me to them.
21:19I must give them
21:19a massage
21:20from Michelle.
21:24I say,
21:25cast hairs,
21:26you don't suppose
21:27we overdid
21:27the starch a bit,
21:28do you?
21:29Oh,
21:29hello,
21:29hello,
21:29how's it all going?
21:36Not very well.
21:37I just can't get
21:38these stains sifted.
21:40Listen,
21:41chaps,
21:41this is the plan.
21:43There's a plane
21:43coming over
21:44from Blighty tonight.
21:46You'll be disguised
21:46as monks
21:47to get you out
21:48of the village
21:48and the plane
21:49will pick you up
21:50in a field
21:50at exactly midnight.
21:52How will we
21:52find the field?
21:54René here
21:55will be in the
21:55procession of monks
21:56with you.
21:57He will show you
21:58the field.
21:59Right-o,
21:59good show.
22:00But in case
22:01you get separated,
22:02at about a quarter
22:03to midnight
22:04the procession
22:05should pass
22:05a footpath
22:06by a wayside shrine.
22:08Take that path
22:09and it will lead
22:09you to the rendezvous.
22:10Oh,
22:11splendid.
22:12Right,
22:12let's synchronise watches.
22:14Oh,
22:15yeah.
22:15It is exactly
22:174.30
22:18now.
22:19Got it.
22:20What are you doing?
22:22We are just
22:23synchronusing witches.
22:26You will leave
22:27the procession of minks
22:28at 11.45
22:30and tick the earmen
22:33to the fold.
22:34I am just giving them
22:35the teams
22:36so if something
22:37hippens to you
22:38they can go on a loon.
22:41Well,
22:41tell them I want
22:42those sheets hung out
22:42before we go.
22:44He wants the sheets
22:45out on the line,
22:45chaps.
22:46Wilco,
22:47give me a hand,
22:48will you,
22:49Fairfax?
22:50I keep getting things
22:51caught in the mangle.
22:54I will go out
22:56the big way too.
22:57Good lick to knit,
22:58Ronnie.
22:58How are we going
23:02to prevent the airmen
23:02getting to the aircraft
23:03before us?
23:05I know.
23:07I will put the airmen's
23:08watch back by 10 minutes.
23:10That should confuse them
23:11and they will miss
23:11the pass to the field.
23:13Oh, Yvette,
23:13that is wicked.
23:14Wicked!
23:16Better put it back
23:16by 20 minutes
23:17to be on the safe side.
23:20That's it.
23:21Now,
23:22you go upstairs
23:23to the attic
23:23and collect
23:24the monk's costume
23:25after I have gone
23:26with the airmen.
23:27Then run like hell
23:28and join me
23:29at the back
23:29of the procession.
23:30Oh, René!
23:32Isn't this exciting?
23:33Oh, I know,
23:34I know.
23:35Just think,
23:36at midnight
23:38we should be flying
23:39to England.
23:40Oh, and by dawn
23:42perhaps we will be
23:43in heaven.
23:45Or at the bottom
23:46of the English Channel.
23:50Here is your supper,
23:52Mama.
23:52Oh, it is.
23:54Something funny
23:55is going on.
23:56What has happened
23:57to my nightcap?
24:00Never mind, Mama.
24:01It is the starch.
24:03It could be useful
24:04if there is an air raid.
24:05Who is doing
24:06the laundry?
24:07The British airmen.
24:08René has put them
24:09to work.
24:10But look at
24:11my nightdress.
24:14Everything is so stiff.
24:17Did someone call?
24:19Oh, Mama.
24:20Something terrible
24:21has happened.
24:23René is having
24:23to flee to England
24:24because everybody
24:25thinks he is a collaborator.
24:26And are you
24:27not going to?
24:28It is not possible, Mama.
24:30In order to avoid
24:31the curfew,
24:31I would have to dress
24:32as a monk
24:33and I have no costume.
24:35But it is a monk's costume
24:37under my bed.
24:39What?
24:39It was left there
24:40by such policeman
24:41who speaks, you know,
24:43as a little goblet.
24:45But René and the airmen
24:47have already left.
24:48Well, go quickly,
24:49my child.
24:50I will take charge
24:51of the cafe.
24:53Oh, Mama.
24:54You are so good.
24:56But I will have to worry
24:57if I am to catch them.
24:59Ah, it is.
25:00You have not left me
25:01the keys
25:02to the drinks cupboard.
25:04Oh, of course.
25:05Here you are.
25:07Oh, goodbye, Mama.
25:09I shall not be long.
25:10Just till the end
25:11of the war.
25:13Oh, and Edith,
25:15when you get to England,
25:16tell that Churchill
25:17to get his finger out.
25:24Ernest?
25:25What is it, Fanny?
25:26Edith has left
25:28stuff in charge
25:29of the cafe
25:30and we have
25:32the keys
25:33to the drinks cupboard.
25:34Oh, that is
25:35the best news
25:36we have had yet.
25:39Excuse me,
25:40Madam Fanny.
25:41What is it?
25:43Have you seen
25:43a monk's costume
25:44under here?
25:45Yes, Edith
25:46has just taken it.
25:47She is going
25:48to England.
25:49Oh, my God.
25:51Did someone call?
25:56Oh, my God.
25:58Did someone call?
25:58I say, Carstairs, isn't that the Holy Shrine over there?
26:25can't be, the cafe chubby hasn't given us a nod yet
26:29what time is it? 25 past 11
26:33that's all right then, Crabtree said quarter to 12
26:37there must be another shrine further on
26:39righto
26:40come on, this is it, not a word
26:46listen
26:55it is an airplane
27:00right girls, start pedaling
27:04faster girls, start
27:12there, there, look
27:17there, thanks, Carstairs
27:28quickening chaps, in you come
27:30oh, my darling
27:53at last we are safe
27:54I am with you, do not worry
28:03I could not leave you in your hour of need
28:06I have you nothing to say
28:10I am afraid it is my time of silence
28:13but I am certainly doing a lot of thinking
28:18I am afraid it is my time of silence
28:32I am afraid it is my time of silence
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