The Thin Blue Line is a classic British sitcom starring Rowan Atkinson as the hilariously clueless Inspector Raymond Fowler ππ Packed with absurd police station chaos, sharp British humor, and unforgettable characters, this comedy series became a fan-favorite for lovers of classic UK television.
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening, everybody.
00:03Play up, play up, and play the game.
00:07Kipling said that if you can meet triumph and disaster
00:11and treat them just the same,
00:14then you will be a man.
00:18These days, of course, he would have to say person,
00:22which doesn't even scan.
00:25But nobody bothers about that sort of thing anymore, of course.
00:30Nonetheless, Kipling's message is needed more today than it ever was
00:34because sport, as we shall see,
00:37is like a half-sucked sweet,
00:41not what it used to be.
00:53Sorry.
00:56I love football.
00:58There's so many aspects to the modern game.
01:01The beer,
01:03the crisps,
01:05the dirty songs.
01:07Just savouring the pre-match atmosphere.
01:12BIRD
01:14Do you mind?
01:16I think we could do without your pre-match atmosphere.
01:18Oh, I love a good BIRD, me.
01:21Really good, chewy one.
01:23Big, solid, beer-flavoured belch.
01:28A really huge, tongue-twanging, mouthful of gas and dinner.
01:33Nothing like it, especially at the footy.
01:36Gladiators is my sport.
01:40I love it.
01:42I love it.
01:42Such thighs.
01:44Colossal thighs.
01:45They could crack nuts with those thighs.
01:49In Wolf's case, his own.
01:52Oh, yes, I'm going to go in for it one day.
01:54When I've pumped enough iron to film a leotard.
01:58I've already got my name.
02:00Love muscle.
02:03Yes, football is boring compared to gladiators.
02:06Football is not boring.
02:09It's the reason God made Saturday afternoons.
02:11Football is just a socially sanitised, homoerotic ritual.
02:16Socially sanitised?
02:17What nonsense, Constable Habib.
02:20Is there no trendy leftist theorem
02:22which you will not uncritically embrace?
02:25Some American feminists think sport was invented
02:27so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.
02:31Some American feminists think that phoning a woman
02:34while she's having an afternoon nap constitutes assault.
02:38Homoerotic ritual.
02:40Coconuts and custard.
02:42On what evidence is such an appalling generalisation based?
02:46Well, I think it's obvious.
02:47For instance, Gary plays football every Sunday.
02:51Now, what do you do after the game, Gary?
02:55Well, let me think.
02:57We all get in the bath together.
02:59We have a bit of a splash and a bit of a sing-song, you know.
03:03The air's on a dicky-dyed-o, tits out for the lads.
03:07All the classics.
03:09And then after that, there's a towel fight.
03:11You beat each other with wet towels.
03:13Well, you've got to have a flick, haven't you?
03:15Then we all get in the pub, pour a load of beer over each other's heads
03:18and sing more songs about lovely saucy birds.
03:21Then if it's been a really good night, fall over in a puddle of om on the way home.
03:25There you go.
03:26Look, singing about women, but actually wallowing in their own naked excess.
03:30It's transparent suppressed homoeroticism.
03:33As long as it gets you pissed.
03:36Constable Habib, do you think that the gay sexual community would thank you for categorising
03:41their particular sexual preference as the act of a disgusting, puerile, drunken oaf like
03:46Boyle?
03:48Your mistake, Constable Habib, is to seek a sexual explanation for the simple truth that
03:54men understand football, but they rarely understand women.
03:57Oh, that's very true, sir.
04:00I mean, I could demonstrate the mechanics of the offside trap to you, but I couldn't tell
04:04you why all the women I have ever loved say to me, I've got a fat bottom.
04:10And I say, yes, I like it.
04:14You truly do not me?
04:16Lying about a girl's bottom is part of a man's duties.
04:19It makes up for never putting the toilet seat down and not replacing the loo roll when
04:23it's empty.
04:24Well, explain this, then.
04:26What is it about the inability of women to get out the house?
04:31What?
04:31You heard.
04:32Why can't women ever get out of the house?
04:36I say, Tina, we've got a meeting at 7.30.
04:41That is 7.30.
04:43Not a quarter to eight.
04:44Not next year.
04:45Not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects which only live for
04:49a day, which she'd spend in the bathroom.
04:53Putting mascara on her antennae and trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple
05:01eyes.
05:03Lipstick in her spiracles and blonde in her follicles.
05:09Yes, the kickoff is...
05:10I shall come on, Tina.
05:13She says, I've got to put my face on, haven't I?
05:15I say, right, I'm waiting in the car.
05:17She says, well, wait in the car.
05:18I say, oh, we'll wait in the car.
05:19She says, right, go and wait in the car.
05:21I say, we're going out to the car.
05:23She says, you go to the car.
05:25It blocks you down.
05:28Oh.
05:31Oh, what a very splendid thing this is.
05:34The local community coming together in celebration of sport.
05:40It's what being British is all about.
05:41What?
05:43Being wet and bored?
05:45Well, yes, being wet and bored is part of it, certainly.
05:48But there's so much more.
05:50I mean, look at this stadium.
05:52It reeks of history.
05:55It reeks of we.
05:56Under these ancient terraces, Gasforth Town FC have seen it all.
06:01From not quite disaster to complete disaster.
06:06From bottom of the league to not even in the league.
06:11They don't.
06:13And therein lies its glory.
06:15We don't need some vast Super Bowl with a great big electronic sign that says,
06:21FWAR GO.
06:23No.
06:25They're quite happy to gather together in small groups on a wet Saturday and be a bit sad.
06:38Do you think they know they're supposed to get the round leather thing into the big square netty thing?
06:44Amateurs all goody, remember that?
06:47Weekend sporting heroes.
06:50Butchers.
06:51Bakers.
06:53Builders.
06:54I wouldn't want to live in a house any of that lot had built.
06:56They're just not very good, are they?
06:59Exactly, Habib.
07:00And not being good at things is what the British are good at.
07:04We excel in failure.
07:06And a good thing, too, because failure is character building.
07:10Some of our finest moments have been defeats.
07:14Mons.
07:16Dunkirk.
07:17Lulu coming second at Eurovision with boom-bang-a-bang.
07:21French vote was our undoing, of course.
07:23They've never got over Agincourt.
07:27What a waste of time.
07:29I have never seen such a useless bunch of old women in all my life.
07:34They've got no aggression.
07:36No killer instinct.
07:38Oh, I don't know.
07:39The one with the limp's not bad.
07:42I'm not talking about the players, I'm talking about the fans.
07:45I am an inspector of criminal investigations.
07:50When I place a football match, I expect a decent enemy.
07:55Where are the skinheads?
07:58A shadowy, straight-fighting generals.
08:02You only get Premier League hooligans with Premier League sides, sir.
08:06Don't be so defeatist, Constable Boyle.
08:08This could be the season when Gasforth FC rises like a phoenix.
08:12More like a turkey.
08:14You're already through the first round of the FA Cup.
08:17Only because their lot all got food poisoning from our burger van.
08:21Nice game, man.
08:22It's a long time since I've seen 11 men vomiting in tight formation.
08:27Nonetheless, if we win today...
08:28Oh, sir, sir, look, look!
08:34An FA Cup second-round victory for Gasforth!
08:37Lucky shot.
08:38They all count.
08:39Where was their goalie?
08:41Look, sir, there he is, coming out of the bogs.
08:47We really must get the health and safety people to have a look at that burger van.
08:55Oh, I can't stand it!
08:59Those pathetic little, little builders working outside the bank.
09:04Every time a woman goes in or out of that door, they're there,
09:08hanging off the scaffolding like sexually inadequate bats.
09:12What's that, then?
09:13Men!
09:14Tiny brains, sexually frustrated, emotionally retarded, inadequate,
09:21puerile, juvenile, drooling, leering, sneering, pointless bloody men!
09:28They're all the blokes, I know.
09:31They've always been bad, but their stupid FA Cup things make them even worse.
09:35What you've got to do is just not sink to their level.
09:38Just turn around, give them a smile, maybe a bit of a wiggle,
09:42and say,
09:43Oi, bum-head!
09:44Do up your flies, your brain's hanging out!
09:48Tell them to get stuffed.
09:51Oh, yeah, sure.
09:52They're 30 feet up, and I'm standing on the pavement going,
09:56It's stuffed!
09:57They love it!
09:59Whoa!
10:00You're beautiful when you're angry, darling!
10:05Well, I would have thought it were flattering.
10:09Of course it is, Boyle.
10:12There's nothing builds up a girl's self-esteem
10:14like having a human gorilla with a brain the size of a peanut
10:18but inviting you to peel its banana!
10:25Ah, Sergeant.
10:26Well, since you still have 18 seconds to go before you're back on duty,
10:30darling,
10:31I must say you're looking lovely today.
10:33Very lovely indeed.
10:34Oh, do up your flies, bum-head!
10:36Your brain's hanging out!
10:42Well, we must get on, must get on.
10:47Custard!
10:48Hold all but the most urgent calls.
10:51There haven't been any calls.
10:53Well, when there are, hold them.
10:55You're on duty.
10:57You can't strut about like Royal the Rovers.
11:01I have gone undercover.
11:03Well, that should fool them.
11:07Listen, Fowler, this is the sharp end, mate.
11:10Not jolly cricket bats, lovely boating weather, don't you know?
11:16Oxford and Cambridge, row, row, row and hoist your little cocks above your head.
11:23This is football.
11:25And football is not a game.
11:27Well, obviously, it is a game.
11:29But it is also not a game.
11:31I mean, even though it is a game, there's no point treating it like a game
11:34because it is not a game.
11:37Although, clearly, it is a game.
11:39All right, boy, with me, let's go, go, go!
11:42I think we should contact the X-Files, sir.
11:45Inspector Grimm's body has been inhabited by a being from the planet Burke.
11:50Respect for rank, Habib.
11:52Well, it's just as well he's out of the way, actually.
11:54I have an appointment with the mayoress.
11:56And he does rather lower the tone.
11:58The mayoress is coming here?
12:00Yes, that's right.
12:02Game Christabel Wickham?
12:03Chrissie Wickie, yes.
12:06Who you were at school with?
12:07I had that honour, yes.
12:09And you fancied ever since?
12:10Yes, that's the one.
12:11No.
12:12Don't be absurd.
12:13I shall know, anyway, because your nose always twitches when you fancy someone.
12:17Patricia, you're not jealous.
12:19Surely.
12:19Of course not.
12:21Why would I be when my boyfriend positively dribbles at the thought of another woman?
12:25But that's ridiculous, Patricia.
12:27How could you feel threatened by her?
12:28It's insane.
12:30Are you sure, Raymond?
12:31Well, of course.
12:33Chrissie Wickham is brilliant, beautiful, accomplished.
12:36I could never get a girl like that.
12:43She's completely out of my league.
12:47Thank you, Raymond.
12:48You've said enough.
12:49Well, I hope I've set your mind at rest.
12:53A wonderful woman like that is scarcely a threat to any girlfriend of mine.
13:01Good morning, good morning.
13:03Sit, sit, sit.
13:05As you all know, there's been a quite extraordinary development in the world of sport.
13:10Gasforth are going to play a Premier League side in the FA Cup.
13:13And what's more, it's a home game.
13:15Chelsea are coming to us.
13:17Now, what are our chief concerns?
13:20Well, let's kick off, as it were, with the prospects for crowd trouble.
13:33Now, sadly, the game of football is not what it was.
13:37Gone are the days when decent lads in enormous shorts thrilled peaceful crowds of chirpy, cloth-capped costumongers.
13:46What sort of example do these permed and preening louts of today set?
13:52These gazers and buzzers and slashers and hackers and rossers and tozzers.
13:59In football, this used to have nice names.
14:01Like Dixie Dean.
14:05Tiddler Tompkins.
14:07Nobby Nut and Ginger Curlies.
14:13Raymond, the world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk.
14:17Gloria Honeyford.
14:20The mayoress.
14:22Brilliant, beautiful.
14:24Think she might have had a little chin tuck.
14:26The mayoress?
14:27Here already?
14:30How do I look?
14:31Sad and pathetic.
14:33Good.
14:36Maris Wickham, welcome to our humble and unworthy station.
14:41Hello, Raymond.
14:46Your Worship, this is indeed an unhoped-for honour.
14:52Don't be so formal.
14:54I can remember you following me up the stairs in big school trying to see my knickers.
15:05I'm astonished and most touched that you recall our former acquaintance, ma'am.
15:11I could hardly forget old Feely Fowler, could I?
15:17All right, where's your office?
15:20I want to get straight down to it.
15:29Tea, Sergeant.
15:33Please, take a seat, your ma'am ship.
15:36Oh, come on, Raymond.
15:38It's Chrissie in private.
15:40That is most kind, your Chrissie ship.
15:48This fixture against Chelsea, it's quite simply the biggest thing that's ever happened to Gasforth.
15:54And it could not have come at a better time.
15:56You are aware of our relocate in Gasforth media campaign?
16:00Oh, I am indeed, yes.
16:01I've seen the posters.
16:03Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think.
16:07Britain is poised to become the sweatshop of Europe.
16:10And Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind.
16:13Well, no, indeed.
16:14We need profile.
16:16This FA Cup match is key.
16:19It'll bring television, the press, and thousands of people into the town.
16:23Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map.
16:27Your tea, ma'am.
16:28Put it on the desk and leave us.
16:33I didn't make you one, Feely.
16:36Your pot is steaming enough already.
16:39What is that?
16:39Biscuit, Sergeant.
16:41If you offer her a custard cream, perhaps she'll let you look at her knickers.
16:48This will be Gasforth's big day.
16:52If anyone even looks as if they might cause trouble, lock them up.
16:57You pull it off, Raymond.
16:59If my big day goes without a hitch, I'm going to do something for you that I know you've always
17:05wanted.
17:07Your Worship.
17:08What can you mean?
17:09I'm going to write to the Honours Commission and recommend you for an MBE.
17:27RAYMOND!
17:28Raymond.
17:35Raymond!
17:39Where am I?
17:40Raymond!
17:42Biscuits!
17:4648 doors ready!
17:51Enter!
17:54Love Muffles!
18:01Oh, Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Come here! Come here!
18:05Okay. Now, who am I? Who am I? Okay?
18:18Do you have a nasty with a sore throat?
18:21Donald Duck!
18:25Oh, I do love this riot gear.
18:31Really, Patricia, what a horrid, suspicious mind you have.
18:35There are any number of perfectly innocent reasons why a man might put his head up the mayoress' skirt.
18:41She promised to recommend me for an MBE.
18:44I hope she doesn't try and get united.
18:47I shall probably find you copulating together on the steps of the town hall.
18:52These insinuations are unworthy of you.
18:54My relationship with a mayoress is entirely respectable.
18:57Even when you've got your face in her underwear?
19:00Particularly when I've got my face in her underwear.
19:04Now, I think I've said all I need to say on the subject.
19:07Can we kindly move on to another topic?
19:09All right.
19:15I'm going to the bank at lunchtime.
19:17Can I get you anything from the shops?
19:20Some chocolates and flowers for the mayoress.
19:23Some biff stick so your lips don't get chapped when you're next kissing her bottom.
19:34Now, our job on match day will be to police the Gasforth crowd.
19:38The Metropolitan Police will, of course, be in charge of the Chelsea supporters
19:41and a nasty bunch of ill-mannered yobbos they're bound to be.
19:45I anticipate quite appalling behaviour.
19:47I think you're being prejudiced, sir.
19:50More supporters are genuine fans.
19:51I wasn't talking about the supporters, Habib.
19:53I was talking about the Metropolitan Police.
19:56The idea of Gasforth being awash with London officers fills me with dread.
20:02Swaggering about the place.
20:03Calling each other my son.
20:07And saying that things have gone a bit pear-shaped.
20:11Well, we of the Gasforth Constabulary will be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes.
20:15I shall not have any of that London police behaviour around here.
20:18Right, you lot!
20:19Shut it!
20:22Screwfella, my son.
20:24It all looks a bit pear-shaped round here.
20:26Or what?
20:28The Governor's talking.
20:31Saturday's game.
20:32Very dodgy.
20:34Very naughty.
20:35Could go a little bit pear-shaped.
20:37If there's a run, things might get well iffy.
20:40These faces are a little bit hard.
20:43Know what I mean?
20:44A little bit oof.
20:45Have some of that, my son.
20:46Bosh.
20:47Salty.
20:47Ta-ta.
20:48Got me?
20:49So, be clever.
20:51Good.
20:52Now, shut it!
20:55Inspector Grimm.
20:56In recognition of our multilingual society,
20:59the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages.
21:02But not, I fear, complete idiot.
21:06Funny, Trey's Droll, you're a comedian, my son.
21:10That I do not think.
21:12I've been liaising with some geezers at the Met.
21:17Pulling our intelligence.
21:19Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile.
21:22Shut it, you slag!
21:26Foil, my son.
21:28Governor.
21:28Let's go, go, go before things start getting pear-shaped.
21:31Sorted.
21:34And you lot, shut it!
21:38C.I.D.
21:39Not so much out of the blue as out of their minds.
21:43Now, to business and to Gasforth's big day.
21:46Now, as you can see, Her Majesty has seen to it
21:49that we are fully equipped for the worst-case scenario of riot control.
21:53So, if you could put your helmets on, please, everybody.
21:55God, I thought you'd never ask.
21:59Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I?
22:01Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, shall I do it?
22:02No, no, no.
22:05Now, the ideal is not to employ force, but intimidation.
22:10We wish to subdue the hooligan before he becomes violent.
22:13We can achieve this by setting up a rhythmic beating on our shields,
22:17such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy,
22:20as once did the Zulus,
22:22an adversary the British Army truly appreciated.
22:25I'm not surprised.
22:26The Zulus had rhythmic beating, the British had field artillery.
22:30I bet they appreciated it.
22:32Yes, all right, Habib.
22:33Just because something is morally inexcusable
22:35does not stop it being a cherished part of the national fabric.
22:39Look at the walnut whip.
22:42Now, the rhythm I had in mind was rat-a-ta-ta, rat-a-ta-ta, rat-a-ta-ta.
22:49All right, try it, and rat-a-ta-ta, rat-a-ta-ta.
22:55Goodie, goodie, goodie, can't you keep a simple rhythm?
22:58No, sir, I'm hopeless.
23:01I need a metronome to brush my teeth.
23:03Sir, sir, I think it'll help if we put some words to the rhythm, sir.
23:08How about, um, butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:12Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:15Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:17Yes, good idea, sir.
23:17Goodie, would that help?
23:18Yes, I think so, sir.
23:19Right, OK.
23:20After me, and...
23:22Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:24Good, excellent, all right.
23:25Form up, form up, form up.
23:27Now, prepare to intimidate the enemy with rhythmic beating and...
23:31Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:33Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:35Butter cake, butter cake, baker's man.
23:38Butter cake, baker's man.
23:41Excellent, well done, everybody.
23:43That should scare the sucks off them.
23:46After we've subdued them with butter cake, patty cake,
23:49we can give them a chorus of bar, bar, black sheep.
23:51That'll really make them fill their trousers.
23:54Do you think we ought to toughen up our chad?
23:57Well, either that or hire ourselves out for children's parties.
24:00Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat.
24:03Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat.
24:05I will not have my officers employing gutter language rhythmically in public.
24:09Sorry.
24:10What about go away, go away, naughty men?
24:14It's a silly loser called Michael Caine a naughty man.
24:17He would have laughed so hard, he would have irrigated the veldt.
24:19Maybe we should change the rhythm a bit, sir.
24:22If you don't move along, boom, boom.
24:24I'm going to stick this bat on, boom, boom.
24:27Where the sun don't shine, boom, boom.
24:29I've got one, I've got one, I've got one.
24:32What's the difference between you lot
24:35and a bucket of sick?
24:40The bucket.
24:44We should be toughen.
24:45Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
24:48Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
25:01You want me to get them off?
25:03Yeah.
25:04Right.
25:07You're all under arrest.
25:10It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle.
25:14Where are the naughty faces?
25:16The iffy, dodgy, noncey-ponces?
25:20How can I face my muckers at Scotters
25:23when I'm yet to bang even one slag in the slammer?
25:27Could I have done more?
25:29Could I have gone deeper undercover?
25:32No way, sir.
25:34You haven't taken your bobble hat off all week.
25:37And the wool makes my forehead itch.
25:39All right, lads.
25:41Tomorrow.
25:42Those Chelsea scum are dust.
25:45But we stick to the plan, all right?
25:49Salt it, my son.
25:56I'm sorry, madam.
25:58There are no grounds for police action.
26:00Goodbye.
26:03What was that, Habib?
26:04Just a cantankerous complainer from Colchester Crescent
26:07complains about something every day.
26:10Yesterday, it was the Pelican Crossing beeping.
26:12I think she wanted me to arrest the little green man.
26:16Tonight is a party.
26:17Some lad celebrating Gasforth winning the FA Cup already.
26:20Great grumbling grommets, Habib.
26:23A party?
26:24Supposing the mayoress heard the row?
26:26Law and important trade delegation from South East Asia.
26:29Bring those naughty carousers in.
26:31But, sir, it's only seven in the evening.
26:33It's two in the morning in Kuala Lumpur.
26:37Bring them in.
26:38Bring them in and lock them up.
26:39Lock them all up.
26:41Lock everyone up.
26:55I forgot my train shoot.
26:59Gasforth offers.
27:01Cheap labour, long hours, no unions, no minimum wage, no job security, and a maximum five-minute lunch.
27:10That's a very attractive package for any foreign investor.
27:14Yes, yes.
27:15But when does the football begin?
27:18The kick-off is at three, sir.
27:21That is the tradition in our country.
27:23I know when a bloody football match starts, Constable Plod.
27:27But it's three twenty-mile.
27:32Your Worship, I'm afraid we're going to have to forfeit the game.
27:37What?
27:38None of our players have turned up.
27:40It's incomprehensible.
27:42They were all fine yesterday.
27:44Buzzer, Guzzer and Buzzer were at work on the building site next to the bank as usual.
27:51Buzzer, Buzzer, Guzzer and Simon the Captain were having a strategy meeting at the Pizza Hole.
27:57And Guzzer, Buzzer and Buzzer were having a bit of a party and a sing-song round at Buzzer's house
28:02in Colchester Crescent.
28:03I simply cannot imagine...
28:06No, football, I'm going.
28:08No, no, please.
28:09Please, mate.
28:11We'll have a dual carriageway that runs all the way to the Sainsbury Superstore.
28:17When I find out who's responsible for the team not turning up...
28:21Raymond, how will you do it?
28:25Raymond!
28:27Raymond!
28:46Raymond!
29:02Raymond!
29:07You
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