Goodness Gracious Me brought iconic British-Asian comedy to TV with hilarious sketches, unforgettable characters, and sharp cultural satire 😂🔥 From “Going for an English” to legendary family moments, the show became a comedy classic that still feels ahead of its time. A true gem of British television and South Asian humor 🇬🇧🇮🇳
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FunTranscript
00:25Good and gracious, mate!
00:35Why are we meeting here, man?
00:37Because this is the internet cafe, man.
00:39From here we can go wherever we want.
00:41Oh, let's go outside the library, man.
00:44And wait for the Rasmelay to finish their homework, innit?
00:48No, man.
00:49I'm talking about logging onto the World Wide Web.
00:51I'm talking about surfing on the information superhighway.
00:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:56What are you chatting about, man?
01:00I'm talking about travelling without moving.
01:04So we're going to get one of Uncle Devinder's cabs?
01:08No, you bindu.
01:10Look, from this computer, right, we can access the internet.
01:14The greatest technological revolution since trainers with lights in them.
01:20Computers are for nerds, man.
01:22Yeah, man, but some of those nerds, right, sitting in their bedrooms alone,
01:24tapping into the night, have turned their hobbies into billion-pound businesses, innit?
01:28I can't see no-one paying you no billion pounds for your lonely bedroom hobby.
01:38Kiss my chuddies, man.
01:41What I'm talking about is something completely new.
01:44Being a service provider for the male population.
01:49Well, what's new about that, man?
01:51It's the oldest profession in the world.
01:54Will you take your mind out of your chuddies for one second?
01:58Listen to my vision.
02:00I'm talking, right, about setting up our own website.
02:03Right, that'll cater for the needs of every desi-geezer on the planet.
02:07Whoa, cool, man.
02:09So what are we providing, man?
02:10What is it that you want more than anything else in the whole world?
02:15Rass-mal-ai!
02:17Wicky, man, wicky!
02:18Bingo!
02:20I'm talking about virtual rass-mal-ai.
02:22Cyber honeys.
02:24Fat massivosity, man!
02:26Yeah, man.
02:28Before long, right, we'll have every bindi-wearing babe on the planet on our web page.
02:33Whoa, it'd be like forehead.com!
02:38Let's do it, man!
02:39Let's do it, man!
02:40Okay, man.
02:41Yeah, we're surfing!
02:42Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:43We're cyberpacks!
02:44Cyber rate, man!
02:45We're riding the Technowave, the brave new world!
02:50How do you put it on, man?
02:52I don't know!
02:55Let's go down to the library, man!
02:58Hey, now!
02:59Ciao!
03:00Ciao!
03:00Ciao!
03:02Ciao!
03:02Ciao!
03:03Ciao!
03:03Ciao!
03:04Ciao!
03:04Ciao!
03:05Ciao!
03:11If you're anything like me, your desk probably looks like this.
03:16Well, today I'm going to show you how to make a brilliant desk tidy using a few empty containers
03:22you can find in your mum and dad's kitchen.
03:24Like this old tin of tomatoes.
03:27This bottle had cooking oil in it.
03:30And these are a few empty spice pots.
03:36Now, if you're from a white family, your desk tidy will look like this.
03:44And if you're Asian, it will look like this.
03:53You know, I'm so pleased to have met a woman like you.
03:56You're like one of my best friends.
03:58Really?
03:59Yeah.
04:00Dave.
04:02There we go.
04:03There we go.
04:04Check, please.
04:13Hello, and welcome to Asian Arts.
04:16The last few years have seen an explosion in the popularity of Asian arts in Britain.
04:21And this week sees the launch of the latest Asian sensation, which is set to sweep the country
04:25and do for Indian culture what Riverdance did for the Irish.
04:29I'm talking, of course, of Punjabis on ice.
04:33And here with me is the director and writer of the show, Baldev Singh.
04:39Get down!
04:41Right.
04:42Could you tell me how you first came up with this idea?
04:45Well, I always wanted to bring the Indian ancient classical arts to a wider audience.
04:52So I thought, why not the good old-fashioned ice extravaganza?
04:58And the boys took to it straight away.
05:01Oh, right.
05:02So they were all natural skaters.
05:04No.
05:05You do have to remember that ice is not the natural medium for your average Punjabi.
05:12So we replaced the ice.
05:15Oh, replaced the ice?
05:17With what?
05:18Lino!
05:22Lino.
05:23Lino!
05:25Right, well, let's see a clip.
05:51That actually looked like two fat drunk men sliding right in the kitchen.
05:55Correct.
05:56And let me tell you, it takes a lot of skill to make it look that easy.
06:01Right, let's move on, shall we?
06:03You have a number of other projects in the pipeline.
06:06Maybe you could tell us something about synchronised Parsis.
06:10Ah, synchronised Parsis is a performance inspired by the sublime beauty of synchronised swimming.
06:15Oh, right.
06:16So this takes place underwater.
06:18No.
06:19You see, the Parsis involved are desert dwellers.
06:23They are not used to water.
06:25So we have replaced the water.
06:29With what?
06:30Lino!
06:31Right, let's take a look, shall we?
07:00Beautiful, listen to this.
07:01Yes, I'm sorry, but that was just two dumpy girls sliding around your kitchen floor.
07:05I know exactly what you're thinking.
07:07How do they hold their breath for so long?
07:09Shut up.
07:11Now, is there anything else?
07:13Skydiving Muslims?
07:14Does it involve Lino?
07:15No.
07:16Are you sure?
07:17Only a bit.
07:17No.
07:19Thank you, Baldev Singh.
07:21Next week on Asian Arts, we'll be discussing Talvin Singh's soundtrack to the Kathak dance
07:26version of Hanif Qureshi's Buddha of Suburbia.
07:28They should do it on Lino!
07:36We should have taken my son's car.
07:38It never breaks down.
07:40I'll just call my son at his office.
07:43He'll come and pick us up.
07:44No, I'll call my son's personal assistant at the company that he owns.
07:50He'll be here quicker.
07:52Well, actually, my son has a satellite link-up which he bought me.
07:57He'll be here quicker.
07:58Rubbish.
07:59We'll see about that.
08:03Redial.
08:06Meanwhile, as Balwant Singh Chuggie works on a leaky radiator, unbeknownst to him, the
08:12inhabitants of Bangratown are being terrorized by an evil new menace.
08:16Help!
08:17Hearing their cries, Balwant instantly leaps into action.
08:23Help!
08:24Help!
08:25Help!
08:25Help!
08:26Help!
08:26Oh, Chakaday!
08:33Bangra man!
08:40I don't know what happened.
08:42It came out of nowhere.
08:43That way!
08:44Follow the ribbons.
08:53Using his uncanny Bangra abilities.
08:57and his amazing deckhole vision,
08:59Langroman quickly recognized the work of his arch-enemy.
09:04Here comes...
09:07Here comes...
09:09Here comes...
09:10Here comes...
09:15More is dancer, wallah!
09:22Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:24Hey, nonny-no, lads!
09:26I told you it would work!
09:28Today, just shy of £300 from the village post office.
09:32Tomorrow, the world!
09:34Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:39Eh...
09:40Langroman!
09:42Blimey!
09:42Annou, Gildine!
09:44Eh?
09:45Maurice the Dancer, wallah!
10:00and while it!
10:09Rrrr...
10:10Ah!
10:25Oh, why, thanks, Bhangra Man.
10:29Oh, you foiled the evil Morris Dancer and saved us from a future of performing ridiculous
10:35outmoded folk dance routines.
10:37Ashroi.
10:38How can we ever repay you?
10:40Let's Bhangra, baby!
10:51Emergency services, which service do you require?
10:54Yeah, I'd like the Sikh fire brigade, please.
10:57The Sikh fire brigade?
11:00You know, beards, turbans, hoses.
11:02But don't you know what a Sikh is, you crypto-imperialist boot girl?
11:06Um, well, we don't have a Sikh fire brigade,
11:08but if there's an emergency, perhaps a regular fire service can help?
11:11Oh, I get it.
11:13This isn't about the regular fire service helping.
11:15This is about the colour of my skin.
11:18No, we just don't have any Sikh firemen.
11:21Ha!
11:21Fell right into my trap, didn't you?
11:23And why don't you have any?
11:25Well, our regulations state that all our firefighters must wear a helmet for their own protection.
11:30This is a black thing, isn't it?
11:32What?
11:33Turbans were good enough for my forefathers to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moogles.
11:37Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?
11:39Because they're flammable!
11:42Well, if you think that I'm going to help you discriminate against my Sikh brothers,
11:48then you are sorely mistaken, Sasri Akal.
11:56Hello?
11:57Yeah, I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please.
12:04So?
12:06So what?
12:08So your son hates you so much that he's leaving you to die of exposure?
12:14No.
12:15My son knows how much I hate you, so he's letting you die of exposure in order to make me
12:21happy.
12:22Well, my son is making me very happy by ensuring that you die a very horrible and slow and painful
12:29death, your breath freezing in your lungs until they are nothing but two useless blocks of ice.
12:38My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you will freeze solid and turn gangrish
12:44and drop off like leaves from a overweight, badly dressed tree.
12:53I really feel like we've got to know each other, you know, like really connected.
12:56Yeah, me too.
12:59It's almost like we can read each other's minds, innit?
13:03Yeah.
13:13Oh, she can leave.
13:15Oh.
13:18She can be.
13:20So, how big is his dunda?
13:24Oh!
13:26Oh, I just can't wait to see my precious grandchild.
13:29So, chosen any names yet?
13:31Oh, there's a few in this book we quite fancy, isn't there, Sunil?
13:35Huh?
13:36We both like Ashwin.
13:38Ashwin, a real pharmacist's name.
13:40Isn't it, Jan?
13:43He likes it.
13:45Oh, there's always Rohan.
13:46Rohan, the doctor.
13:48What do you think, Jan?
13:50Well, I prefer it.
13:51What about Rajiv?
13:53Rajiv, a prince's name.
13:55A dentist prince with a Mercedes.
13:58And then we thought, if it's a girl, we'll call it either Lalita or Bharati.
14:03Oh, a girl.
14:06Come on, Betty.
14:08Why think so negatively?
14:10Huh?
14:11Well, why imagine the worst?
14:14Lalita, the lavatory cleaner.
14:18Bharati, the buffalo.
14:21Ask Sunil, he agrees with me?
14:24No.
14:25Boys are forceful and strong.
14:28You see, I think that...
14:29Shut up.
14:31They are independent and capable.
14:34Can I just...
14:34No, you can't, Sunil.
14:35I mean, my Sunil's not like that anyway.
14:37You know, he would actually prefer a girl, wouldn't you?
14:40Yeah, I don't mind.
14:41You see, what he's trying to say is, if you had a girl,
14:45he would probably trade you in for a white-hipped virgin from a small village in Patiala.
14:49Oh, how could you, Sunil?
14:51Yes, how could you, Sunil?
14:53Leave it alone.
14:55Don't worry.
14:56There are lots of old Indian traditional methods you can use that will guarantee you will have a boy.
15:01For example, eat only raw meat and radishes.
15:05And never smile at a peacock.
15:08Only if it's Tuesday and you're wearing a hat.
15:10Look, Mama, it's not going to make any difference anyway.
15:13The sex of the baby's already decided.
15:15I mean, I'm seven months gone.
15:16Oh, my God.
15:17And I thought it was mostly fat.
15:21Sunil, hot towels and mustard oil.
15:23Sunil, go and boil some water.
15:25This may be our last chance to have a boy.
15:29Hurry, hurry, go on.
15:30I'm really not sure.
15:30No, no, don't worry, don't worry.
15:32A nice boy to make your life easier.
15:35Well, I suppose it might be nice to carry on the proud male tradition in your family, no?
15:41Another Sunil.
15:43Oh, yes.
15:44Another Sunil.
15:46Ta-da-da!
15:49Oh, sod it.
15:50Come on, get up on one leg, face east and hop.
15:53Why?
15:54I've changed my mind.
15:55This way we will definitely have a girl.
15:57Come on, hop!
16:04Speed kills.
16:06And cars like this one paint a vivid picture of that inescapable truth.
16:12Every day on the roads of Britain, hundreds of cars will end up just like this one.
16:18Terrible coffins of twisted metal.
16:23Look.
16:24Yes?
16:25You order a cab?
16:27Yes, I do.
16:29Yes, I do.
16:31This is not it.
16:34Hello, fair 44, P.O.B. P.O.B. got him.
16:36Look, I am not getting in this.
16:38Get in.
16:39Right.
16:3944, 44.
16:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
16:45I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
16:49Many of you spiritually flaccid Westerners just can't get it up for God.
16:55I like to think of myself as a sort of Viagra for the soul.
17:00Medication for meditation.
17:01And for this, you don't need a prescription.
17:04Now, the truth lies, as ever, in the wisdom of the ancient Sanskrit texts, thousands of years old.
17:11I will translate.
17:16Ekphal, domal, or sheetal.
17:21Ringo, dolak, kabital.
17:25This means, all you need is love.
17:29Rah-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
17:31All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
17:34You see, in the West, you are surrounded by commercial pressures.
17:37By marketing slogans that don't help you work, rest, or play.
17:42And by advertising, some of it subliminal, most of all.
17:48But how to thwart the avaricious advances of the commercial buggers?
17:55Well,
18:00The most important thing is to communicate with oneself.
18:05If one remembers the story of Mur-duk, the Hindu god of sky.
18:12Surrounded by demons, he actually talked to his own soul, saying...
18:21Hang-sang-naas-dek-yan-nikki-dow.
18:27Jerry-ginger-hassily-kaw.
18:32Which means,
18:33The future
18:35is bright.
18:37The future
18:38is orange.
18:42Hello, Bhagwan, I'll call you back.
18:45So,
18:46in order to help you on your tantric journey,
18:48I've developed my own range of products.
18:51You see,
18:52it is very important
18:53for your soul to be clean,
18:55for your spirit
18:56to be pure,
18:58for your chakras to be whiter than white
19:00with a meadow-y freshness.
19:02Use Omo.
19:03It's biological.
19:05Heavenly.
19:06Also,
19:07Ashram toothpaste.
19:09It's transcendental.
19:13And finally,
19:15Reincarnation Porlaum.
19:18Mmm,
19:19I'll be back.
19:22All these products are available on my website.
19:25www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om
19:28Anyway, okay,
19:30I cannot tell you anymore.
19:31Time for meditation.
19:31Everybody go,
19:32Om.
19:35Om.
19:36Arist Om.
19:46I need to do a poo.
19:49Now, darling,
19:50we don't say poo in this house,
19:51do we?
19:52I thought we brought you up better than that.
19:54But I need to do one honestly.
19:56Now, come on, darling,
19:57remember what we taught you?
19:58Just as the Eskimos have hundreds of different words for snow,
20:02we have thousands of different words for shit.
20:07You have to use the right word.
20:08It's part of your heritage.
20:09But, but, but,
20:10my poo's poking out right now.
20:13Darling,
20:13that concentrate,
20:14is it a fuss fuss?
20:15You know,
20:16like loose motions,
20:17the transparent poo
20:18that bubbles out
20:19and swidgey squirts.
20:20Is it landy?
20:22The one that's like minestrone soup
20:24and leaves a stain.
20:25Perhaps it's tapiche.
20:27Classic.
20:27Yes,
20:27the hard poo
20:28that falls like boulders
20:29and has fearful backsplash.
20:31Is it woo-woo?
20:33You know,
20:33the one that comes in the middle of the night
20:34bringing mayhem and rain.
20:36Mummy,
20:37my tummy's hurting.
20:38Oh,
20:39poor baby.
20:40Oh,
20:41it must be the high-pressure poo.
20:42The one that comes out
20:43without warning in public places.
20:44no,
20:45it could be,
20:45it could be,
20:45but it could also be pir pir.
20:47Pebble dashing poo
20:48that's ready to unload.
20:50Well,
20:50darling,
20:51have you decided
20:51which one it is?
20:53Doesn't matter.
20:58No,
20:59I don't believe it.
21:00Oh,
21:01hey,
21:02that looks just like
21:03your Uncle Devinder.
21:05He's gonna fuck for it.
21:11Hello and welcome
21:12to Asian Top Gear.
21:14Now,
21:15we all know about
21:15Italian flair
21:16and Japanese reliability,
21:18but what about
21:19the Asian motorist?
21:21Well,
21:21I'm here at the home
21:22of Mr. and Mrs.
21:23Bunny-sa
21:23to find out
21:24about their kind of choice.
21:26Hello.
21:28Hello.
21:29Sassariya,
21:30Carla.
21:32Sagittarius.
21:33Now,
21:34tell us about
21:35your wheels.
21:36Ki gao?
21:37My car.
21:38Yes,
21:40of course,
21:40reliability is important
21:42and economy as well.
21:45How?
21:46Yes,
21:47but the most important thing
21:48with a big family like ours
21:50is space.
21:51Ah,
21:51righto.
21:52Now,
21:52that's why you've chosen
21:53an MPV
21:54or people carrier,
21:56isn't it?
21:56Let's take a look.
21:58Huh?
22:01Ha!
22:04Ha!
22:04Ha!
22:05Ha!
22:05Ha!
22:06Ha!
22:06Ha!
22:07Ha!
22:07Ha!
22:07Ha!
22:08Ha!
22:10What a magnificent beast
22:12she is.
22:14Now,
22:15tell me,
22:16why is this car
22:17perfect for the Asian family?
22:19Buddha.
22:20Well,
22:21first of all,
22:22there is the spacious boot
22:24which can hold
22:25all of these
22:27especially
22:28when we go
22:30to the cash and carry.
22:32Put all that in there.
22:33you're pulling me leg out,
22:35yeah?
22:35This I'll must see.
22:37But then...
22:44This car comes with extras
22:46as standard.
22:47Air conditioning,
22:49power steering.
22:50No.
22:52Decorative tissue box.
22:54And any board navigation system.
22:58What about safety?
23:00Do you have air bugs?
23:02No.
23:03In the case of an accident,
23:05the glove compartment
23:06drops open
23:07and we all start praying.
23:16What a charming, pious touch.
23:21Well,
23:22the most important thing
23:23for us
23:23is that we have
23:25a lot of space
23:26for the family.
23:27Of course,
23:28of course.
23:28And what is the seating capacity?
23:30Twelve.
23:32Wonderful.
23:33And you all travel
23:33in total comfort.
23:35Uh-huh.
23:51Safety belt.
23:52Power open now.
23:53Safety new.
23:58Hey, kids.
24:00What's the cool new game
24:01everyone's talking about?
24:03A game that tests
24:04your skill and nerves.
24:06Ready?
24:06Then he's good.
24:07Go.
24:10That's right.
24:11It's battling massive.
24:14See them spin.
24:15Watch them wobble.
24:17Round and round
24:17and round she goes.
24:19Who she lands on,
24:20nobody knows.
24:24It's fun.
24:25It's fast.
24:26It's all in the wrist action.
24:28Go on.
24:29Take your auntie out
24:30for a spin.
24:31Battling massive.
24:33Sorry,
24:33it's not included.
24:38What a brave entry there
24:40from the Greeks.
24:42Anyway,
24:43next up,
24:44it's Dennis,
24:44Ginger and Charlotte
24:45and Vanessa.
24:46They're representing
24:47Great Britain
24:48in the Eurovision.
24:49It's the Coopers.
24:57We love blighty,
25:01high and mighty,
25:04Boat sony,
25:07jaga otwadi,
25:08plays for me.
25:13Friendly neighbours,
25:16post us papers,
25:20saying,
25:20Packy's out,
25:21and we quite agree.
25:24Because we're British,
25:27also British.
25:29Snap right,
25:31grow like a black boy
25:32around.
25:33British,
25:34also British.
25:36Talked the police,
25:39good job,
25:39Johnny,
25:39good job.
25:41British,
25:42also British.
25:44Called our children,
25:46James and John.
25:47British,
25:48also British.
25:50British.
25:50We stuck our bed
25:52and said,
25:53an old,
25:54old,
25:54old.
26:02The smell of curry
26:04makes me sick.
26:06Me sick,
26:07me sick,
26:08me sick.
26:09I'd rather have
26:11some spotted dick.
26:13Something,
26:14something,
26:15something.
26:16My best friend
26:18is a bleak.
26:20Queen,
26:20a queen,
26:21a queen,
26:22a queen.
26:25And I...
26:28Ah,
26:29I know what
26:30you've been up to.
26:31Just powdering my nose.
26:33Oh.
26:34What's the matter?
26:35I bet that
26:35keys are 20 quid,
26:36you was having a shit.
26:42Check, please.
26:47Good night,
26:48good night.
26:49gracious mate.
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