The Thin Blue Line is a classic British sitcom starring Rowan Atkinson as the hilariously clueless Inspector Raymond Fowler ππ Packed with absurd police station chaos, sharp British humor, and unforgettable characters, this comedy series became a fan-favorite for lovers of classic UK television.
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FunTranscript
00:02Good evening everybody. Sometimes one does despair of today's youth. To them
00:10concepts such as honor, duty and self-restraint are as foreign as a
00:17Frenchman and no more acceptable. On the other hand of course it is important not
00:24to judge people too harshly. We were all young once and although we may not have
00:29attended raves, I seem to remember that Saturday morning at the pictures could
00:36get pretty wild. Let he who has never chucked a gobstopper at John Wayne during
00:43the kissy bit cast the first stone. For young people, as we shall see, are like the
00:52last banana in the fruit bowl. Not all bad.
01:09I tell you what, I'd be glad when they fixed up our showers and toilet. I hate sharing the blokes.
01:15There's a pair of jocks in that locker that's developing its own ecosystem. It's not what
01:19you need when you're feeling delicate. Had a little drinky last night, did we? Just a bit. My tongue's got
01:26so much fur
01:26on it. I may need a license to keep it domestically. Drinking like that's terribly
01:33bad for you, you know, Maggie. Really, Pat. And there was me thinking that having a brain like a pickled
01:38walnut and a mouth like a rat's bum was a bit of a health cure. Instead of poisoning your body,
01:45you
01:45should be concentrating on rejuvenating your physical and sensual sides. The way I feel this morning, you
01:51couldn't rejuvenate my sensual side if you chuck me into a bath full of Chippendales and asked me to find
01:55the soap.
01:59Blimey! Sharing the gents with a load of women, it's a disgrace. The place will stink like the
02:06perfume counter of Boots. They'll be in there, dibby-dabby, lippy-lappy, powder-puffing, barnet-puffing,
02:18squirty-squirty. Only be a minute, I've just got to re-grout me crow's feet. I've got all this at
02:26home, you know. I'm talking about alternative healing, Maggie. I've just joined a well-woman
02:32group. You can do rebirthing, reflexology, shiatsu massage. You have to let it all out.
02:39Please, Pat. I'm having enough trouble keeping it all down. And if you haven't got time for
02:44shiatsu, just have an enema. You can do it at home in five minutes with an ordinary garden
02:53hose. Tweezering and plucking and using my bick on her legs and slapping the glandular oils
03:02of some dead whale around like it didn't cost 15 quid a jar, which I have to bleed in her.
03:07Well, I'm off the booze now anyway. My little sister's coming to stay. Oh, that's nice.
03:13No, it's not. She's completely boring. Goody flipping two shoes. If she sees me with
03:18so much as a half of sidrex, she'll tell me mum, who'll immediately ring up in floods and
03:23read the entire Koran onto my answer phone. Perhaps your sister would like to come along
03:28to my rebirthing group. You recreate the moment you emerged from your mother's womb. Oh, I'll
03:34see if I can persuade her. Maybe she'll come out a bit more interesting second time.
03:39I shall come on, Tina. She says I'm just going to have five minutes on the bum wobbling machine.
03:46Then she leaves the top of the toothpaste. Blimey, Fowler, I thought at least at work we could keep
03:52the birds out of the bog. Sharing lockers is brilliant. I cannot believe I'm actually going
04:00to be changing in the same room as Constable Habib. But not at the same time. True, but
04:06it's a step in the right direction, isn't it? Right, that's it, you lot. Come on, time's
04:11up. Get out of it!
04:16Good morning, Inspector Grimm. Oh, it's still morning, is it? Blimey, I thought it was late.
04:21Evening at least, or else sometime next year. And doesn't time fly when you're hanging around
04:28outside the bog, waiting for a bunch of women to stop funnying about?
04:33You do get yourself worked up, don't you, Inspector? You really should try and diffuse your tension.
04:40Have you thought about irrigating your colon?
04:45Not really, I don't do a lot of gardening.
04:49Inspector Grimm, it is 8.51 and 42 seconds. With respect, if you consult your rota, I think
04:56you'll find that mail time begins at 8.52.
04:59I told you, Fowler, women all the same, totally, toileterially territorial.
05:07Inspector Grimm, we don't like this situation any more than you do, and with better reason.
05:11What better reason?
05:13Lots of better reasons.
05:14Name a better reason.
05:15Well, we've been properly toilet trained for a start.
05:18Yeah, you all seem to think you're supposed to stand on the bog and aim outwards.
05:24Drips! Women are obsessed with drips!
05:28I say, Tina, wear a pair of slippers!
05:34Please, really, really, now, please, please, now, now, now, please.
05:41Really?
05:43The situation is as it is, and we must simply make the best of it.
05:47I've scheduled a meeting with the regional auditor, but he is notoriously tighter than
05:52an Italian tenner's trouser buttons, so I hold out little hope for extra funds this financial
05:58year.
05:58Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my morning movement.
06:11Look what I've got, Frank.
06:13Some of that new male Calvin Klein perfume.
06:17Dead cool, dead street.
06:20Really gets the babes horny.
06:23You know, I reckon when Constable Habib gets a whiff of this, she'll say,
06:27Wahey!
06:28Climb aboard, big boy, and fall at my feet.
06:31Kevin, it'll take more than a whiff of perfume to make Maggie Habib fall at your feet.
06:38Maybe you should try chloroformin.
06:42It's supposed to be evocative of a man's testicles.
06:46No, I don't mean that.
06:48What is it that blokes have that makes them sexy?
06:51Mmm, sunglasses?
06:53No, it's close to testicles, only a little bit longer.
06:58Testosterone, Kevin.
06:59Look at it, wrapped in a towel.
07:02Gives a splash.
07:03I've got lager seeping out of me pores.
07:06In the boozer till two.
07:08Sixteen cans of special brew and nothing to eat but peanuts.
07:11I could have pebble dashed the pub.
07:13Two?
07:14Well, that's way past closing time.
07:17Closing time's for plebs, not us.
07:19The lock-in is a traditional copper's perk.
07:22Like sticking your siren on when you're late for dinner.
07:25There's a big illegal late-night drink this Friday.
07:27Lots of the boys are coming out.
07:28You've got to come out, too.
07:29Yes, well, I don't know about that, Gary.
07:31As a policeman, I just don't feel comfortable breaking the law.
07:34I mean, I know that sounds stupid.
07:35Look, mate.
07:37Coppers stick together.
07:39And if we have to bend the rules, then we do it together.
07:42That's the police culture.
07:44And you'll do a lot better on the force if you admit you're one of us from the start.
07:48So you come out, all right?
07:51I'm out on Friday.
07:59Patricia, regarding the current dysfunctional nature of the non-male person's locker room...
08:05The ladies lose, yes.
08:12Well, I wonder if you could inform your compatriots of the female variety that I am, of course, arranging for
08:20the ladies' um...
08:22You know, the ladies' um...
08:26Machine.
08:29To be moved.
08:31For what?
08:33The ladies' machine.
08:35You know, the, um...
08:37The mechanised purveyor of, um...
08:40Purificatory dressings.
08:48Swabs.
08:53Sanitationry...
08:54Compressors.
08:56Applications.
08:57Um...
08:58Internal and external.
09:00Ladies for the use of...
09:03As and when required.
09:05Traditionally.
09:07On a monthly basis.
09:10Raymond, there's nothing embarrassing about...
09:12No, no, no, no.
09:13No, I can't.
09:14No, what an idea.
09:15Blimey.
09:16Embarrassed?
09:16Ha!
09:18I talk about them all the time.
09:21Rarely not talking about them get quite boring on the subject, as a matter of fact.
09:25Oh, no.
09:27Anyway.
09:28The, um...
09:29Well, the, um...
09:31Thingy machine will...
09:32Will be relocated in the male locker room.
09:35In a suitably discreet darkened corner.
09:39Unless, of course, you'd rather we put it in the cellar, you know, to save embarrassment.
09:43No, the locker room will be fine.
09:44Oh, good.
09:45Good.
09:47So, in the broom cupboard behind the cistern it goes, then.
10:00The vile scourge of drugs has arrived in Gasforth.
10:05Some people won't admit it.
10:07But I, for one, am not going to bury my head in an ostrich.
10:15Kids are already taking care of it.
10:17They're taking E.
10:18Openly.
10:19In clubs.
10:20And that is only the thin end of the bush.
10:25Today, it's E.
10:28Next week, it might be F.
10:34Possibly even G.
10:37Now then, tomorrow night, there is going to be a rave at the old Gasworks CID officers,
10:44led by Detective Inspector Derek Grimm,
10:48in the person of the person of the person of the people,
10:50in the person of myself, for that is me,
10:53will be in attendance and also, it is where we will be.
10:58That is all.
11:02Drugs. Drugs. What is wrong with young people today? With their uppers, downers, poppers,
11:11toppers, speed, whiz, crack, junk, smack, splosh, zing, bonk, bark, or run, bam? Can't
11:22they amuse themselves without chemical stimulation? Haven't they heard of Monopoly?
11:30I suppose they're just not as boring, I mean, as sensible as you were, sir. They're looking
11:35for something more exciting. Exciting? Have you ever had hotels on Mayfair and Park Lane?
11:42You can make a fortune. Great plates and wobbly custard. Why, this need for sensory stimulants.
11:50When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant was sucking on a fisherman's
11:55friend.
11:59Have I said something amusing, Constable Goody?
12:04Oh, yes, sir, definitely.
12:08Really? Then perhaps you'd like to explain the joke to me?
12:11Yes, I will. Well, sir, you said that you were stimulated by sucking on a fisherman's friend.
12:20And I think that's very funny.
12:23I see. And why do you find it funny, Constable Goody?
12:26Well, they're horrible, aren't they? Everyone knows that.
12:35I'm going to clean up this town, Boyle.
12:37Well, drugs are the effluence of society. And I'm the toilet duck.
12:47I'll show these bloody kids. When Grim of Gasforth puts his backside on the line, they can't just stick
12:53two fingers up.
12:57What's wrong with being bored, anyway? The rest of us have to sit at home in front of the telly.
13:03Why shouldn't they?
13:04Tell you what, sir, me and some of the lads have organised a lock-in after tomorrow night's raid. Why
13:09don't you get in on it?
13:11Well, I don't know, Boyle. I don't normally do that sort of thing.
13:14Oh, come on, sir. You spend all evening chasing drug addicts and you can't even have a little drinky at
13:20the end of it. That can't be right now, can it, eh?
13:40Kevin! What are you doing?
13:41Just giving you a whiff of my testosterone.
13:46I shall speak to your mother.
13:49Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
13:53Can I talk to you about something?
13:55It's just that I've got a sort of moral dilemma.
13:58You see, Gary Boyle has been going on at me about coming out.
14:03He wants you to come out?
14:05Yes. He wants me to come out and admit that I'm one of them.
14:09Well, what's it got to do with him? Tell him to bog off.
14:12No, no, no. You see, in so many ways, I feel that I'd actually quite like to, you know.
14:16But it isn't easy, what with being a policeman and everything.
14:19Oh, I see.
14:21Well, whatever you decide to do, Kevin, I want you to know, I think you've been really brave and I
14:26really admire you.
14:35This perfume is sex dynamite.
14:39I'm going to dunk my trousers in it.
14:43Do you want a splash?
14:44Listen, son, a woman likes to smell a man as nature intended.
14:52Sweat, Guinness and pickled onions.
14:56You can't bottle that.
15:03I'm off for my rebirthing.
15:05Ah, yes, rebirthing.
15:07Just remember to pick me up at ten.
15:10Patricia, I'm hardly likely to leave a newborn baby to fend for itself in the sports centre car park.
15:15No, no, no.
15:18There's one reborn every minute.
15:20You don't think much of Sergeant Dawkins' interest in alternative inner healing, do you, sir?
15:24Well, why is everybody searching for this something inside them?
15:28Patricia and her quest for the inner woman, children and their drugs?
15:33It's an alternative culture now, sir.
15:35People are asking questions.
15:36They want to know who they are.
15:38Then they should damn well look at their passports.
15:42Alternative culture.
15:44I remember when our idea of alternative culture was turning over to ITV.
15:51People have too much choice these days.
15:54Did you know that you can get an almond Mars bar?
15:59An almond Mars bar?
16:02Mars bars got by for over 50 years without almonds in them.
16:06Yes, sir.
16:07They've put caramel in the whispers.
16:10We live in a debauched, hedonistic age.
16:13Young people are addicted to pleasure.
16:15Not all young people, sir.
16:17My little sister's addicted to organised religion, exams and netball.
16:21Hmm.
16:22She sounds like a very fine young woman.
16:25Proof that not all young people are decadent wasterals.
16:28Oh, Maggie.
16:29A young lady for you, sir.
16:30She's your sister.
16:31Hello, Maggie.
16:32Hello, Nazia.
16:35This is my little sister, Nazia, sir.
16:37Ah.
16:38Splendid.
16:39Splendid.
16:40Welcome to Gasforth, Nazia.
16:42I'm sure you'll love it.
16:43We have a museum, a small library and a fascinating 18th century stone horse trough.
16:50Stuff that.
16:51As soon as I've got my glad rags on, I'm out raving.
16:54You better change if you want to come too, Mags.
16:56Look like a right tosspot in that pig's costume.
16:57Oh, Maggie.
17:02Make yourself at home, why, don't you?
17:04All right, if I smoke?
17:05Well, you haven't started smoking cigarettes, have you?
17:08Just grass.
17:09Nazia!
17:10Go on, flush that down the toilet right now.
17:12You realise it's actually my duty to arrest you?
17:14Go on, then.
17:16Or at least tell Mum.
17:17You wouldn't.
17:20Oh.
17:22One minute late.
17:23Very sorry, Maggie.
17:24That's all right, Kevin.
17:27Yes, yes, yes.
17:29I don't want to pry, but I was wondering whether you'd thought any more about your coming out.
17:34Well, yes, I have.
17:36Lots.
17:36But it's very confusing, you know.
17:39Sometimes I swing one way, sometimes the other.
17:41Oh, I see.
17:43Bye.
17:44Bye.
17:48Morning, doll.
17:49Sorry to keep you waiting.
17:50I was up all night at a lock-in, had to shower off.
17:53Lovely.
17:53Very refreshing.
17:54Hey.
17:55I found some lovely scented soap in there.
17:57Peach shampoo and sea-fresh deodorant.
18:00I like having birds in our box.
18:02Oh, I could shag myself.
18:09Don't forget I've got my reflexology this evening, Raymond.
18:12Ah, yes.
18:14Reflexology.
18:15Which one's that again?
18:16It's a terrific shortcut to all body well-being.
18:20Every part of you is represented on the sole of the foot.
18:23So any pain or uptightness can be alleviated by firmly massaging the foot.
18:29So here is the liver and the colon and the buttocks.
18:33Yes.
18:34And, er, and where is the foot, represented?
18:42Um, well, I...
18:44I mean, supposing I had a really sore foot.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:49How would you...
18:50How would you soothe my foot?
18:52LAUGHTER
18:52By grabbing my foot and sticking your thumbs into my foot?
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58Raymond, do I ask you to logically justify your covering the kitchen table with a balsa wood model of a
19:03Lancaster bomber?
19:04No, but I'd be quite happy to.
19:08Constable Boyle, for the final time, if you're going to use my soap, could you please remove your hairs from
19:14it once you've finished?
19:16LAUGHTER
19:17Don't be so squeamish. It's just benign, non-volatile dead cell matter.
19:22Oh, no.
19:22It is benign, non-volatile dead cell matter that grew out of your scrotum.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:29And I hate it.
19:30How do you do it? I could have stuffed a mattress by now.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:33Each day I gouge a small toupee off the soap, and the next day he's back, looking like a member
19:38of the Grateful Dead.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40Inspector Fowler, I would like to lodge a formal protest against having to share a locker room
19:45with a gruesome fallout from Constable Boyle's rapidly balding bodily parts.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:53We assemble at 0, 11.30, 100 hours, p.m. in the evening.
19:59That is all. Let's go, go, go.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03Big raid, this. Quite exciting.
20:06Probably get some dealers, not just silly kids.
20:09Do you fancy a bit of chewing gum to calm your nerves?
20:13LAUGHTER
20:13It's a new brand, fresh and easy.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:17Got it out of the machine in the locker room. Sounds great.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26Gives you a great, fresh feel all day.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:32Helps you get on with life.
20:34And no leaking.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38LAUGHTER
20:40Which is great, isn't it?
20:42Because I often dribble a bit if I try and chew and watch television at the same time.
20:48LAUGHTER
20:54What a sickle sponge bag, you Ember Seal boy.
20:57What's where you're going?
20:58Sorry. I'm so sorry.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:00Sir, with respect, I think you should be a bit more understanding with Kevin.
21:05He's a bit distracted, you see.
21:07The thing is, he's told me that he's coming out.
21:13Coming out?
21:14Do you mean coming out as a Guardian reader would understand the term?
21:20No!
21:21Absolutely, sir.
21:23Oh, I see.
21:24Well, I must go out of my way to put him at his ease.
21:28Ahem!
21:29Now then, goody.
21:31Um...
21:33I've asked you to come and see me
21:35on a matter about which I feel no embarrassment.
21:38Ahem!
21:41No embarrassment whatsoever.
21:43Hmm.
21:45Um...
21:46Councillor Habib has informed me that you're worried about...
21:50about, um...
21:52coming out.
21:55Well...
21:56LAUGHTER
21:57I suppose it has been on my mind, sir, yes.
22:00Well, you mustn't worry yourself unduly good.
22:03That's good, sir.
22:04Because Gary Boyle says that having a sly quickie after work is a police tradition.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:10He said that?
22:11Oh, yes!
22:12He says that if a bloke can't get a couple of stiff ones down his neck after work,
22:16then what's the point to be a copper?
22:18LAUGHTER
22:21He reckons that the pub lock-in is all part of police culture.
22:25Pub lock-in?
22:26You mean, you've been asked to come out for an illegal drink?
22:30That's what's been worrying you?
22:32Yes, CID do it all the time.
22:34I'm really pleased it doesn't bother you.
22:36I'll tell you what, I'll be stuck into the Malibu at the frock and truncheon tonight.
22:40If you do, you appalling youth, you'll be stuck in a cell tomorrow morning.
22:44I'm aware that there are certain nod-and-a-wink customs
22:46in which CID officers ignore the law,
22:49but I will not allow the corruption of my officers.
22:52Quite frankly, I preferred you when you were a homosexual.
22:56LAUGHTER
23:04All right.
23:06I want urine from all this lot.
23:10Would somebody kindly take the urine?
23:15Check their eyeballs.
23:17If the pupils are dislocated, nick them.
23:20Look for the signs of addiction.
23:23A distant stare.
23:26Regular truancy.
23:28Loss of appetite at mealtimes.
23:31Boyle, to me!
23:32Wait!
23:51You didn't get rid of it, did you?
23:57I'll never forgive you for this, Nazia.
24:20I'll never forgive you for this, Nazia.
24:23Yes, sir.
24:24You fool, Constable.
24:26What madness possessed you?
24:29She's my little sister, sir.
24:31My mum would have died.
24:33She'd be...
24:37Go to your desk, Constable.
24:45Derek.
24:50Constable Habib is by far and away my best officer.
24:55She already represents a public investment of many thousands of pounds.
24:59What are you suggesting, Inspector Fowler?
25:02I am suggesting that we do not charge her.
25:06She has a fine career ahead of her, and because of one insane moment of filial loyalty...
25:11I don't believe I'm hearing this.
25:15Inspector high and mighty, snooty, snotty, oity, tighty Fowler wants me to break the law.
25:22I know!
25:23I know!
25:25But she was just trying to help her little sister.
25:30And when her little sister is a drug baron defending an armoured crack house with a shoulder-held missile launcher...
25:38Will it be alright to help her then?
25:41No.
25:42I don't like it, but I know my duty.
25:46We're charging her.
25:51It's been a long night.
25:55Right, Boyle, what about that drink we were discussing?
26:09Well, thank you very much, sir.
26:12You're very welcome, Boyle. We can settle up later.
26:16I reckon this raid might mean promotion for you, sir.
26:19Well, I can't deny I am rather expecting a call from a grateful chief constable.
26:23I can't see anything going wrong with that.
26:25Hey, unless we get raided.
26:28All right, you lunders!
26:30You're all under arrest!
26:32Out through the box, sir. Old copper's trick.
26:38The problem with old copper's tricks, Constable Boyle, is that old coppers know em.
26:45Don't do me for this, Fowler. I've never done anything like it before.
26:49A conviction would ruin my career.
26:53Never mind, Inspector Grimm. It was never a very promising one.
26:57Unlike Constable Habibes.
27:04You can't compare withholding evidence of drugs with a friendly little lock-in.
27:11Really? I think you'll find that I can.
27:15Also, I think you'll find that the Promotions Board will be inclined to view any criminal conviction as something of
27:21a blot on a policeman's record.
27:24All right. I won't charge her, babe.
27:27In that case, I won't charge you or Boyle.
27:31I've got a couple of outstanding parking tickets, sir.
27:35You think you can get me off those?
27:39I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, Mr Glockenspiel.
27:42But I've just been assembling the relevant financial reports regarding the ladies' locker room.
27:47No rush! You won't get a penny out of me anyway.
27:50I took the liberty of making myself a mug of Bovril whilst I was waiting.
27:54Your very good health.
27:56Bovril?
27:56Yeah. My favourite beverage. Nutritious and, above all, cheap.
28:02I saw that cube on your desk.
28:05So I made free with your kettle.
28:07No, don't worry. I've left you half.
28:13Quick.
28:14Get a requisition slip.
28:16Mr Glockenspiel says we can have as many lavatories as we like.
28:20In fact, he's offered to put in jacuzzis in a steam room.
28:23Also, he's asked for kebabs, pizzas and 15 king-size Mars bars.
28:28No almonds.
28:30Right in here, let's talk toilets.
28:44Oh, my.
28:53Yeah, that's that's that's.
29:02Next lens is red.
29:07You
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