The Thin Blue Line is a classic British sitcom starring Rowan Atkinson as the hilariously clueless Inspector Raymond Fowler ππ Packed with absurd police station chaos, sharp British humor, and unforgettable characters, this comedy series became a fan-favorite for lovers of classic UK television.
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FunTranscript
00:01Good evening, everybody.
00:03These days, it seems, people will do almost anything to get on television.
00:09Stand behind news reporters mouthing,
00:11Hello, Mum.
00:14Deliberately buy yogurts that have passed their sell-by date
00:17so they can complain to Anne Robinson.
00:20Or video their pets being knocked unconscious by garden swings
00:25and hope that the producer of You've Been Framed will believe it to be spontaneous.
00:32Fame is the spur.
00:35But fame, as we shall see, is like an oven-ready frozen meal for one.
00:42Not as nice as it looks.
00:55I've been looking through the number of firearm certificates
00:58you've issued in the last couple of years, Fowler.
01:00Ah, yes. I think you'll find it comes to a goodly round number.
01:04Yes, it does. None.
01:06Correct? No more, no less.
01:0992 sponsored applications, none accepted.
01:13That is correct.
01:14Including the bloke I sponsored.
01:16Or more accurately, particularly the bloke I sponsored.
01:20He is the chief todger of my lodge.
01:24If I can't swing him a permit, I'm gonna look a right dicky-doo-dah, aren't I?
01:28I do not approve firearms applications
01:31in order to prevent you from looking a dicky-doo-dah grip.
01:34Besides which, I could issue the fellow with a cruise missile permit
01:37and you would still look like a dicky-doo-dah.
01:41It is not within my power to prevent you from looking like a dicky-doo-dah.
01:45Only God or a large bag could do that.
01:51It is your job to vet the applications.
01:54You're supposed to ask questions
01:56to find out who's a suitable person to own a gun.
01:59That's right.
02:00And surely the first question must be,
02:01does that person wish to own a gun?
02:03Well, of course.
02:04And if the answer to that is yes,
02:06then clearly that person is not a suitable person to have one.
02:09This is the nanny state gone mad!
02:12What, because I don't happen to think
02:13that a man who lives in a suburban semi needs an automatic weapon?
02:17He's a sportsman!
02:20Then tell him to buy a pair of plimsolls!
02:24Sport?
02:24Sport?
02:25When did you last see a wild boar in Gasforth?
02:30Or an elk?
02:31And if you did, dispatching it with a spear or an arrow would be sport.
02:36But deploying an elk-seeking missile is just cheating.
02:40This is a civil liberties issue.
02:44You are denying my todger his rights.
02:48And what about the rights of those who do not wish to live next to an armed man?
02:52Particularly one who attends weekly secret meetings
02:56in which he puts on a dress and kisses a dead turkey's bottom.
03:01We only kiss the turkey's bottom on special occasions!
03:06Normally we might do with a chicken nugget!
03:09I am talking about the rights of the individual here.
03:13Which I consider secondary to those of the community as a whole.
03:16This town is a human nest!
03:19If you were an ant,
03:20would you consider it a matter of high monopterous civil liberties?
03:23That a socially dysfunctional worker ant be allowed to keep a pet anteater?
03:28If it was securely muzzled and tethered, yes, I...
03:33Then clearly you are quite mad, you know?
03:47Did you see Crime Watch UK on the telly last night?
03:52God, it was good!
03:54Sometimes when I'm watching, I think...
03:58That looks so exciting, I wish I was a cop.
04:02And then I remember I am one, which is so silly, isn't it?
04:06Well, I don't approve of this current broadcasting trend
04:09that turns police work and video surveillance into entertainment.
04:13Actors train for years to get the chance to appear on the television.
04:17But why do they bother?
04:18Just steal one and you'll be on the following night.
04:22I remember when there were other things on the television.
04:26Grumpy Scottish doctors.
04:28And dictionary games.
04:31Those marvellous royal variety extravaganzas
04:33with puppeteers from Prague
04:36who you weren't supposed to be able to see
04:37because they wore black jumpers.
04:40Timeless stuff.
04:42Clean, wholesome.
04:43Boring.
04:45Well, yes, perhaps slightly boring.
04:47I confess I normally made a cup of tea
04:49when those Greek men who jump onto each other's shoulders
04:51and end up standing on top of one another
04:53and a great big pile were on.
04:55But it just made Cliff Richards bit even better.
04:59It's no good harking back to the past like a sad old git, sir.
05:04TV's changed.
05:05People like police shows.
05:07But they're so predictable.
05:09There's always the two officers.
05:10They don't get on, then they do get on.
05:13One of them's fat and gruff, the other one's thin and posh.
05:17One's a sad old drunk, the other one's a health fanatic.
05:20One of them's a woman, the other one's a Martian.
05:22One of them has four heads, the other one's allergic to heads.
05:26If there were as many police officers on the beat as there are on television,
05:30the country wouldn't be in the state it's in.
05:33These TV twits should come along to a real station
05:36and see what it's actually like.
05:40You please, Sergeant, whatever is the matter?
05:43We're going to be on the telly.
05:44Come, sir, Sergeant.
05:46What is this nonsense?
05:47This fax came for you.
05:49A fax to me, Sergeant?
05:50Yes.
05:50Then I presume that you do not know it's common.
05:52Of course I do. I always read your mail.
05:55At home. At home you do, Sergeant.
05:58But at work you wouldn't dream of reading the private communications of your commanding officer.
06:02All right. Have it your own way.
06:06What's in your fax, Raymond?
06:08I wonder if it's something exciting.
06:11Good Lord, we're going to be on the television.
06:15The Chief Constable has been approached by the BBC
06:18to do a fly-on-the-wall documentary about a police station.
06:21He wants to know if we'd agree for it to be ours.
06:24Now, this needs some very careful consideration.
06:28For the time being, I think it'd be best if we didn't tell CID.
06:31Because you know what'll happen?
06:32Derek Grimm of Gaspard CID!
06:36Come on down!
06:39Just as I've heard.
06:40Have you heard, Fowler? We are going to be stars!
06:43Limos!
06:45Poshbergs!
06:45No more queuing at Sainsbury's!
06:49I reckon we should cut a single.
06:51Starsky and Hutch did it, didn't they?
06:53Come, old silver lady, take me home!
06:56And Kojak, he had a bash!
06:58If the picture paints a thousand words,
07:02Then why can't I cry?
07:05Look, look, be quiet, everyone, be quiet!
07:08Starsky and Hutch and Kojak were fictitious policemen.
07:11The BBC want to make a documentary.
07:14Not Gasforth PD Blue.
07:17The whole purpose is to show policing in the raw.
07:20Do you mean nude policing?
07:24Now, we have to give this very careful consideration.
07:28This type of documentary can ruin people's lives.
07:31There are countless examples of people opening themselves up to the camera,
07:35only to discover that the subsequent exposure leaves them lost, empty and bewildered.
07:41Now, think about it.
07:42Seriously.
07:43Do we really want to bring that kind of confusion and heartache on ourselves?
07:50Yeah, definitely.
07:53Well, one tip.
07:55You know, business-like.
07:56Because I'm a police officer, it's got to be totally sensible.
07:59Severe almost.
08:00You know, practical and absolutely no-nonsense.
08:03But, also, I'd like it just a little bit really sexy.
08:09You know what I mean?
08:10Just a hint of ravishing.
08:11A nod towards drop-dead bunkable.
08:14You got that?
08:15Sensible.
08:16No-nonsense.
08:17Absolutely gorgeous.
08:18That'll do for me, too.
08:21Yes, and me.
08:30Boyle.
08:32Do you reckon my face is a bit saggy?
08:36I mean, go on, tell me the truth.
08:38Absolutely honestly.
08:40As a mate.
08:41What do you think?
08:43Oh.
08:44You know.
08:46No, not really.
08:47Oh, come on.
08:48Don't pull your punches.
08:49Give it me absolutely straight.
08:52Is it a bit saggy?
08:55Maybe just a touch.
08:57Thank you very much.
09:00Blooming charming.
09:01That really helps my confidence, that does.
09:06I'm fat.
09:08I'm grotesque.
09:10I look like I'm resting my jaw on a stack of crumpets.
09:17I am a vast, unsightly, wobbling mound of lard.
09:23I can't do it.
09:24Well, I simply can't face the cameras.
09:26Sir, you look lovely.
09:27Superb shape.
09:28The girls will go potty.
09:29Do you really think so?
09:31Honestly.
09:32No question.
09:33Birds love a slaphead.
09:38A slaphead?
09:39Well, like you were saying, sir, code you.
09:41The girls will be queuing up to lick your lollipop.
09:46I tell you what, if you're worried about your chin, there's a couple of tricks of the
09:49trade I learnt off a bird of mine who was in telly.
09:52I never knew you had a girlfriend in TV, boy.
09:55Oh, yes, sir.
09:55She was a stroker.
09:57A stoker?
09:58No, sir.
09:59A stroker.
09:59On sale of the century.
10:00She used to have to stand there in a bikini and stroke the prizes.
10:05Lovely she was.
10:07I used to watch her every Saturday, stroking stuff.
10:11Sets of cookware.
10:13Crystal decanters.
10:15Lawn mowers.
10:17That girl could stroke anything you put in front of her.
10:22I would get onto that.
10:23Oh, yes, sir.
10:24I was telling you.
10:24A little trick of the trade.
10:26Light.
10:26That is the secret to looking good on the box.
10:28You've got to get light under your chin.
10:30Otherwise, you see, you get a shadow in the crease where your great big wobbly flap of
10:33fatties.
10:34How am I going to get light under me chin, boy?
10:36I'll stand on me head.
10:37The lights are on the ceiling.
10:39Well, for instance, sir, you've got a mirror there, right?
10:41There's light coming through the window, right?
10:43When the camera's near, slip the mirror onto your desk.
10:46Chin over it.
10:47Bosh.
10:47Underlit.
10:48Beautiful.
10:49There you go.
10:49You've lost a couple of pounds already.
10:56Ah, that's the way, Gladstone.
10:59We'll show those communists from the BBC that despite the pernicious
11:03influence of their puerile police dramas, the British Bobby still believes in the very
11:07highest of standards.
11:09You know, sir, I was nearly in show business once before.
11:12Oh, yes, my mother was very pushy.
11:16Well, I suppose all mums think their kids are beautiful.
11:19But the interesting thing is, sir, I actually was.
11:24A gorgeous little fella.
11:27Big eyes.
11:29Big smile.
11:30Chubby little cheeks.
11:31Yes, I think I get the idea.
11:33And the purest of pure soprano voices.
11:37I could curdle milk while it was still in the car, sir.
11:41Anyway, one day Radio Trinidad advertised for a boy soprano.
11:45It was my big chance, sir.
11:48The whole street turned out to see me get on the bus.
11:52Young Frank Gladstone going to be a star, they said.
11:56And I would have been, but for two things.
11:59And what were they?
12:01My testicles, sir.
12:04They dropped on the way to the auditions.
12:08I still believe that if that road had been tarmacked,
12:11I would have got away with it.
12:14I was going to sing all for the wings of a dove.
12:16I had to give them Old Man River instead.
12:24The BBC not here yet?
12:26Good.
12:27There was a terrible queue at the chemist,
12:28but I thought the occasion warranted a new comb.
12:33Patricia, have you got nids?
12:36No, I haven't got nids.
12:38I've had my hair done.
12:39I'm trying to look nice for the telly.
12:41Patricia, the whole point of this exercise
12:43is to show us as we are.
12:46What sort of example are you setting to the constables?
12:50Oh, God, it's a gastric.
12:52Gast, Habib, what are you thinking of?
12:54What?
12:55Your legs, your legs, you naughty girl.
12:57They have no business being here.
12:59Get rid of them.
13:01It's an image thing, sir.
13:03It's about personal empowerment.
13:05It's about me being the me I want me to be.
13:08And that's not very much mistaken, constable.
13:09You're talking complete donkey twaddle.
13:12I am not talking donkey twaddle, sir.
13:14I have an obligation to be a role model.
13:16To show young girls that being a strong and in control woman
13:20does not mean denying my essential femininity.
13:22Or to put it another way, you want to look nice on the television.
13:26I think it's my duty, sir, as a feminist.
13:30What has got into you girls today?
13:32Vanity, thy name is woman.
13:34You will spend your next break taking your skirt down.
13:42Thanks for g'day.
13:44Good morning to you, sir.
13:46At least you've come to work looking respectable.
13:48Why, thank you.
13:59Evening all.
14:03TV's sex cop.
14:05Always ready to get on the job.
14:08Sir.
14:12Sir, you think it's alright if I wore my father's Trinidad police dress uniform?
14:18Now listen to me, all of you.
14:20This is a serious documentary about serious police work.
14:23We will present ourselves as God made us and as the Queen expects.
14:28What's grey away, Raymond?
14:36Grey away?
14:37I have no idea.
14:39Looking a bit grey.
14:41Feeling a bit old.
14:45New grey away will make you look ten years younger.
14:49Lord, I must have picked up someone else's bag and boots.
14:53Good lordy, lord.
14:55Good lordy, lordy, doo-da-ding-dong day.
14:58Chill.
14:59I'll take it back at lunchtime.
15:12The message is happening.
15:19Well, it was just a thought.
15:39The BBC!
15:41They're here!
15:42They're here!
15:44Another opening!
15:47Five minutes, please!
15:49I'm going out to Constable, but I'm coming back a star.
15:52I can't go on!
15:54No!
15:55Do it for the troops, kid!
15:57Do you really think I can dance, Mr. Weinfeld?
16:01Follow the Olympic note!
16:02Follow the Olympic note!
16:05I shall send you home and you won't be on television at all!
16:08Yes, I'm sorry.
16:08Now go and tell them I'll be straight out.
16:11Knock them dead, kid!
16:29Oh, good afternoon.
16:32I'm sorry?
16:34Good afternoon.
16:37Bob Tuff, director.
16:40Inspector Fowler.
16:42Inspector.
16:44Right.
16:45We don't exist.
16:47We are not here.
16:48You are unaware of us.
16:50We go where we please.
16:52We shoot what we please.
16:54If you feel you wish to explain what you're doing, by all means do so.
16:57Understood?
16:58Totally.
17:00Gold camera.
17:02All man reverse.
17:11So, now let's just forget these television people and set about our business.
17:16Gladstone put those juggling balls away.
17:19The knife and weapons amnesty which we've been running has been at least a partial success.
17:24A hacksaw blade.
17:28A corkscrew.
17:30And a vicious pair of toenail clippers have already been handed in.
17:34Knife amnesties are a waste of time, sir.
17:37They're just publicity stunts.
17:38I will not have you belittling our achievement, Habib.
17:41This corkscrew could cause a very nasty wound.
17:44So could a gas cooker, sir, if you dropped it on someone's head.
17:47You should have a kitchen appliances, amnesty, sir.
17:50Now listen here, you naughty...
17:53Goody, have you got gum in your mouth?
17:55No, sir.
17:55Just pretending to chew.
17:57I want to look tough for the cameras.
18:00Now you be careful with these media people, Goody.
18:04They're all smiles until they pounce.
18:06I shall never forget going along to the antiques roadshow.
18:10When I slapped my family jewels on the table, the man just laughed.
18:16I've been up all night polishing them as well.
18:21Deceitful and underhand, the lot of them, while I know their game.
18:25Those Trotsky-ike BBC swine will have to get up pretty early to catch me with my trousers down.
18:31Have you got a twitch, Goody?
18:33No, sir, I just think you should be careful.
18:35Oh, don't you worry, boy.
18:36I've got the measure of those penitent snakes.
18:39So they're very nice people, sir.
18:42Don't you be fooled, Gladstone.
18:44Debauched dimwits, the lot of them.
18:46They could be anywhere, sir.
18:48They're very sneaky.
18:49Ha!
18:50After years of gorging themselves on vast lunches at the licensed payer's expense,
18:55you can smell their beer-soaked, tobacco-raddled, meat-and-pudding flatulence at a hundred yards.
19:08At least that's what I'd heard.
19:26Very quiet down.
19:30Very quiet, indeed.
19:34And normally our time would be in blur.
19:39A blur of drugs, violence, pornography, illicit sex.
19:47Of course, sometimes we have to do a bit of work as well.
19:49Shut up!
19:53We've received a phone call from a concerned neighbour.
19:56An elderly gentleman lives here.
19:58The curtains haven't been opened for a few days and he may be in need of assistance.
20:03Tango Oscar Bravo.
20:04No.
20:06Do-re-mi-fas-so-la-ti-dead.
20:09Hold your house.
20:10Hold kit inside.
20:11Give me dirt.
20:12We'll investigate.
20:12Over.
20:13Will you please shut up, Constable Gwyneth?
20:17Great guys.
20:18Such joshes.
20:19Now, the old gentleman may be timid and fearful of strangers.
20:22I myself am highly trained, but if you could perhaps step to one side of the door.
20:27No, I think actually the other side is the best side.
20:30Right.
20:31Standing to one side now.
20:32Purpose to avoid scaring silly old sod to death, if not pop clogs already.
20:36Tango.
20:38Er, Gemma.
20:39Angels, one, five, bandits at six o'clock.
20:41Dive.
20:41Dive.
20:42Shut up.
20:43Hey, Kevin, shut up.
20:44Right, shutting up now.
20:46Now, you get to the side with the camera crew, Kevin.
20:47I don't want you messing up your shot.
20:50We don't want the old bloke getting nervous with too many coppers.
20:52Yes, you're right.
20:53I suppose I am a pretty intimidating sight.
20:57Hello, sir.
20:58We've had a phone call.
20:59I believe...
21:00I wanted a nurse.
21:02Well, sir, I've been highly trained.
21:03Perhaps I can help.
21:04Oh, yeah, all right.
21:06You'll do.
21:07Looks like you've got lovely biguns under that.
21:10There's no call for that.
21:12Mr. O'Bottom.
21:13Mr. O'Bottom.
21:15I'm from Love, Pesh and Mesos.
21:17Yeah, well, I'm afraid you're too late, love.
21:19I've decided to have the policewoman.
21:22Yes, Mr. O'Bottom.
21:23I'd love to have you both, but I can't afford to on me pension.
21:28Can we have it off now, please?
21:29Oh! Just get me key down.
21:34Surprisingly quiet day, this.
21:49Dream required.
21:54Diamond theft.
21:57Drug deal.
21:59Motorboat robbery.
22:01Grim required.
22:03Grim required.
22:06Must have.
22:07Must have Inspector Grim.
22:11Three of that boil.
22:12Let's go, go, go!
22:13Go!
22:13Go where, sir?
22:16Grim responding.
22:18Wilco!
22:19Bravo!
22:22Erm...
22:23Vinto?
22:23Vinto!
22:29Well, we're only a small town station, but, er...
22:33But in the modern age, we face all the problems of a big city, really.
22:38Oh, yes.
22:38Policing a town like Gasforth is, erm...
22:41It's no longer just a question of making sure that people have lights on their bicycles.
22:45Oh, sir.
22:47Here are three more bicycle bylaw infringements.
22:51All right, Gerson.
22:52Just put them on the desk.
22:53Er, yes, sir.
22:55Oh, sir.
22:56There is one other matter.
22:57One of our police dogs has got no nose.
23:05Well, that can't be right.
23:07How does he smell?
23:09Terrible.
23:18Regrets?
23:20I've had a few.
23:22But then again, you know, too few to mention.
23:26I did what I had to do.
23:30I saw it through without exemption.
23:37I planned each chart course,
23:41each careful step along the byway.
23:44But more, much more than this,
23:48I did it my way.
23:58I've been a very good boy.
24:03I've been a very good boy.
24:03Yes, you have been a very good boy.
24:07I mean bad boy.
24:13These television people have driven this station mad.
24:17Thank goodness you at least have maintained your sanity, Patricia.
24:20Could you pass the duty log, please?
24:25Right, that's it.
24:27The BBC are leaving immediately.
24:30There was a television crew here today.
24:34I want to get on telly.
24:35Oh, really?
24:36And what is to be your contribution to this great democracy of television?
24:40Perhaps you've grown a root-shaped turnip.
24:43I've got this.
24:47Where's the telly, people?
24:49Drugs.
24:50Murder.
24:52Prostitutes.
24:54Totally ordinary.
24:57It is a jungle out there.
24:59Not a real one, obviously.
25:01A metaphorical jungle.
25:02But that is just as scary,
25:04particularly if the metaphorical lions and tigers are actually real armed villains.
25:10Yes, Grit.
25:11I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if in the real jungle, the lions and tigers weren't saying to each other,
25:17it is Gaspeth on a Friday night out.
25:23Sir, there's a real phone call.
25:26I like Grit.
25:29Yeah, it's for you.
25:31Tough.
25:35Would you please hand over that weapon?
25:37I'm wearing the Queen's trousers and I'm in danger of soiling them.
25:41Oh, you'll get it all right.
25:44Where's this camera then?
25:49I'm in.
25:52Shoplifting.
25:54Jaywalking.
25:56Inspector Grimm.
25:57Raymond's in danger.
25:59There's an armed man at the front desk.
26:01An armed man.
26:04This is it.
26:05The sharp end at last.
26:08I'll unlock the gun cupboard.
26:12You lot, cover me with the camera as I run in.
26:15Make sure you get my full expression as I shout,
26:18Please freeze!
26:20Boy, you have a torch.
26:23Do you think I should take off me shirt?
26:25Have you ever really thought about what television fame means, sir?
26:30Oh, yes, it's fine for a while.
26:32You and your scatter cushions in Hello magazine.
26:36The chance to talk publicly about your dandruff.
26:39Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
26:41Oh, yes.
26:42But then suddenly, the tide turns against you.
26:46Suddenly, Richard and Judy are no longer taking your calls.
26:50You find yourself in carpet warehouses shouting,
26:53Open New Year's Day!
26:55And then just when you thought you could sink no lower,
26:58you appear at the door of Noel's mansion and crinkering.
27:03Is that what you want?
27:05No, no, no!
27:08Then hand over the gun.
27:16Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!
27:20The crisis is over, Grim. I talked him round.
27:25That's a rusty old service revolver. It's completely harmless.
27:29Yes, I dug it up with my root vegetables.
27:32I thought I might hand it in to your weapons, Amnesty.
27:36I thought I might get featured on the news.
27:39I'm not a functioning firearm and I took my shirt off of that.
27:44Blimey!
27:45So, you couldn't have known, Fowler.
27:48I can't deny you showed a lot of bottle.
27:50You were incredible, Raymond.
27:53And on TV, too.
27:55You'd be a hero.
27:56Oh, no, really. I'd far rather no fuss was made, honestly.
28:00Well, you're in luck. We didn't get any of it.
28:03I expected Raymond's sister on us covering him exclusively.
28:07Oh.
28:08Oh, well, never mind. It's probably for the best.
28:12Erm...
28:13Unless...
28:14Unless you'd like to do it again, sir.
28:18Oh, yes, please.
28:21Yes, he'd like to do it again. Yes, he'd like to do it again.
28:24If I could show you my disgustingly shaped turnip.
28:29Oh, yes, it's so good.
28:33I'll see you later.
28:35I'll see you later.
28:39I'll see you later.
28:45See you later.
28:45Bye!
28:46Morning, everyone.
28:47Oh, no, no!
28:53I love you!
28:53Oh, no, no!
28:54Oh, no!
28:57I love you!
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