The Thin Blue Line is a classic British sitcom starring Rowan Atkinson as the hilariously clueless Inspector Raymond Fowler ππ Packed with absurd police station chaos, sharp British humor, and unforgettable characters, this comedy series became a fan-favorite for lovers of classic UK television.
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FunTranscript
00:00Hmm. Good evening, everybody.
00:05Take things for granted, and they will be taken from you.
00:10Anybody who has ever left a packet of chocolate hobnobs unguarded
00:15will vouch for the truth in that statement.
00:19So often, the things we love the most, we care for the least.
00:24Even love itself, as we shall see, is like a regular intake of dietary fibre.
00:34Easy to ignore, but just try functioning properly without it.
00:54So, that is agreed. Due to budgetary limitations,
00:58our mounted display for the Gasforth show
01:01will consist of two bicycles and a set of coconut shells.
01:06The dog team will consist of one dog.
01:10Well, it's not really a team, is it, Raymond?
01:13One dog.
01:14I mean, the whole point is dogs acting in unison.
01:18You can't have one dog acting in unison, can you?
01:21I mean, that's stupid.
01:24Unless we use some kind of mirror.
01:32What's happened to you, Pat?
01:33I feel like you've been mugged.
01:35I have.
01:36Oh, no.
01:37My aerobics instructor.
01:39Step to the side. You're looking good.
01:41Shake it to the right.
01:42One, two.
01:43Put your foot in your ear.
01:44Three, four.
01:45Stick your head up your bum.
01:46Five, six.
01:47On your back.
01:48Hips up.
01:49Knees spread.
01:49Sounds like a smear test.
01:51Yes.
01:53Only slightly less fun.
01:56These are difficult times, Derek.
01:57Difficult times.
01:58Are you sure there are no more savings to be made in CID?
02:01I mean, this water cooler you've ordered.
02:04Raymond, do not interfere with my decisions.
02:08I and me alone am responsible for the operational fitness of my officers.
02:13It is my arse, and I will not have you sticking your nose in and sniffing about.
02:20The one saving grace was that I wasn't the worst person in the class.
02:29I think I've dislocated my trouser furniture.
02:33Excuse me.
02:36Look, I don't give it.
02:39That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it?
02:40If you get sucked up any further, it'll go right at your bum.
02:43Have you got to keep in shape?
02:49What have you got to keep in shape for?
02:51I have to be very fit for my police work.
02:56Do you know, I was chasing this bloke the other day, knackered I was a wobbly jelly.
03:02Nearly had to stop and be sick.
03:04How far did you run after him?
03:06Oh, I wasn't running.
03:06I was in a squad car.
03:09It's just that I'm used to power steering.
03:13Well, I think you're both mad.
03:15You could have had another hour in bed.
03:17No pain, no gain, Maggie.
03:19I want to get in shape.
03:20What are you talking about?
03:21You're in great shape.
03:22Just because society decrees that all women should look like sticking sex with knockers,
03:27don't you think you're just perpetuating a sexist stereotype?
03:30Well, that's the idea, but it's going to take a lot of work.
03:34You can say it's perpetuating a stereotype if you like, Maggie,
03:37but it's just what people find attractive.
03:39I mean, look at beauty contests.
03:40Beauty contests are just a disgusting male fantasy.
03:44No, they're not.
03:44My fantasies are a lot more disgusting than that.
03:48Beauty contests are tasteful.
03:50Tasteful?
03:5140 birds standing in a row with their boobs full of silicon
03:54and their bikini bits waxed down to five curly short of a cojack?
03:59How tasteful is that?
04:01It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to win a beauty contest.
04:04You have to respect that.
04:05A person earns respect.
04:07And quite frankly, I don't think that having humongous cajungas is a sufficient qualification.
04:13It'll do for me.
04:16Good.
04:17So that concludes our weekly administrative meeting.
04:20Weekly fannying about meeting, more like.
04:24Except, of course, to remind you that the date for this year's promotion review board
04:28has been set for this Friday.
04:29I don't need reminding, mate.
04:32I've been building up to this for weeks.
04:35I am a coiled spring waiting to go...
04:40...boing!
04:42Yes, well, I must say, promotion would be nice.
04:46Chief Inspector Raymond Fowler.
04:48I can't help feeling that this year it must be my turn.
04:52Well, you've got no chance, mate.
04:54There's no point you even turning up.
04:56I beg your pardon?
04:57Promotion boards are looking for solid, steady, dependable blokes, Fowler.
05:02Well...
05:02Married blokes.
05:03I don't believe a person's marital status makes the slightest difference these days.
05:08Of course it does.
05:10Blimey!
05:11Society has to offer some sort of reward for a lifetime spent in front of the telly.
05:18Do you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th anniversary.
05:25Really?
05:26Yeah.
05:28And you can rest assured I shall let the promotion board know.
05:3220 years, mate.
05:3520 gruelling years.
05:39That shows character, Raymond.
05:41Character and commitment.
05:44And you really believe that being married affects one's chances of promotion?
05:47Of course it does.
05:49Mind you, marriage is much more than that.
05:53It's comfort.
05:55It's security.
05:56I cannot tell you the peace of mind which me and my Tina enjoy knowing that things are as bad
06:06as they're ever going to get.
06:13Look, Maggie, I don't know a thing about these supermodels, but I do know that Kate, Naomi and Claudia and
06:20Cindy all have wonderful opportunities.
06:22The chance to study fashion, the chance to travel.
06:25The chance to get knobbed by pot-bullied old rock stars.
06:29And look at it.
06:32Beautiful.
06:34This is what being a policeman is all about.
06:38Hey, next we'll get one of them double hot plates with two coffee pots on it.
06:42Two coffee pots.
06:44A cop with two pots.
06:48Yo, brother!
06:49Freeze, mother.
06:51Drop it!
06:52Auntie!
06:55Just once before we die, I'd like us to take our jackets off together and be wearing shoulder holsters.
07:06One step at a time, we've got our water cooler.
07:11The Virgin Cup.
07:16Boyle, I can't get any water out of this thing.
07:19I know, it don't work.
07:20I call the blame.
07:23Now then, Habib, I want your advice about an extremely sensitive area.
07:28Quite frankly, it's been bothering me for some time and I just don't want to sit on it any longer.
07:33Oh, I see, sir.
07:34Well, my dad uses this greasy cream called Rectinol.
07:38But sometimes he still has to have a special cushion.
07:41I beg your pardon?
07:43Hemorrhoids, sir.
07:44Bothering your sensitive area.
07:46I'm not talking about hemorrhoids, you silly young constable.
07:49Sorry, sir.
07:51Rectinol, you say?
07:58Now then, as I was saying, this sensitive matter.
08:06If a man were considering proposing marriage to a woman, and I am, of course, talking about a hypothetical man,
08:14and an equally hypothetical woman.
08:16Not going to be much of a sex life, is it?
08:20It isn't anyway.
08:24Hypothetically, hypothetically speaking.
08:27However, howsomever that may be.
08:30How do you think this hypothetical woman would wish to be approached?
08:35Well, personally, I think marriage is an outmoded institution.
08:40But all women like a bit of romance.
08:42You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.
08:46Then when you're all lovey-dovey, you go down on one knee and suggest an AIDS test.
08:52An AIDS test?
08:54Of course, sir.
08:56That's how it's done these days.
08:57Well, think about it, hypothetically speaking.
09:00If I accept your proposal, I could catch HIV, herpes, gonorrhea.
09:10Ah, Patricia, um, we were just discussing catching that notorious Argentinian jewel thief,
09:20uh, Hugo Ignatieff Vincente Herpith Gonorrhea.
09:32You, uh, you might have read about him in the police review.
09:38Uh, was it the May issue?
09:39Uh, I...
09:40Raymond, what were you proposing to Constable Habib?
09:43Uh...
09:44Nothing, Sergeant.
09:45We were just discussing Inspector Grimm's 20th wedding anniversary.
09:49Saying how much marriage proposals have changed.
09:52These days, the bloke has to bring along a medical certificate.
09:55I think women prefer candles, flowers, and wine.
10:04Tch, 20 years.
10:0820 years, poor old Tina Grimm has had to put up with her appalling husband.
10:13Can you imagine what it must be like year after year with the same dull, irritating old boar?
10:19Yes.
10:22Not that marriage isn't a fine and honourable estate.
10:25I mustn't let Grimm's example sour me to the entire institution.
10:29Nor, indeed, the failure of my own marriage.
10:32I was young.
10:33I was wild.
10:34She was pregnant.
10:36Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge of the rhythm method of contraception was rather incomplete.
10:43Well, you've certainly mastered it now.
10:45Just add up all the days of the month and then don't do it on any of them.
10:58Constable, would you mind accompanying me to the CID, Harry?
11:09I'd offer you some refreshment, but sadly I have a dysfunctional spell.
11:17I'd like to ask your advice on a matter pertaining to women, what with you being one and all.
11:26Right, you are, sir.
11:27It's just, my Tina is expecting something special and exciting from me, and I've got a problem.
11:35It comes once a year.
11:38Oh, dear.
11:39Well, I can see that would be a problem.
11:41But don't worry, sir.
11:43Impotence is very common in men of your age.
11:46I read in Cosmopolitan that there's this cream you can buy called Keep It Up, and you...
11:51I'm not talking about impotence, constable.
11:54Oh, sorry, sir.
11:56Keep it up.
12:05Now, the problem is, as I think you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th wedding anniversary,
12:13so I suppose I've got to get her something.
12:17Well, it would be nice, sir.
12:19It's extraordinary how much meaningless, empty gestures mean to a woman, isn't it?
12:25Well, some girls like them.
12:26The question is, what shall I get?
12:29Well, haven't you any ideas at all?
12:31Oh, no, quite the opposite.
12:32Too many ideas.
12:33I'm torn.
12:34I'm torn between a box of milk tray and a box of dairy box.
12:42She likes the lime barrel out of one and the caramel cup out of the other.
12:48What do you think?
12:51Perhaps you'll get her both.
12:53Both?
12:55You see, bloody women, totally unreasonable, the lot of you.
13:04Marriage is in the air at the moment.
13:06Do you know?
13:09I think Inspector Fowler's thinking about proposing to Sergeant Dawkins.
13:13Oh, wouldn't that be nice.
13:16I love a wedding.
13:19Except for the bit where the vicar says, does anyone have any objections?
13:23Makes me so tense.
13:26I always think, God, I hope I don't say something good.
13:33Because you easily could, couldn't you?
13:36You know, if you suddenly went mad or something.
13:39You know, I did object at a wedding once.
13:42You didn't.
13:43Oh, yes.
13:44I said the groom is a drinker and a philanderer.
13:47Oh, no!
13:52What did the groom say?
13:54I just told you.
13:57It was the only way at the time I could think of getting out of it.
14:04Well now, Patricia, I hope you enjoyed your lasagna parmigiano verde con funghi.
14:12Yes, Raymond.
14:13Ever so.
14:14Good.
14:15It took some preparation, I can tell you.
14:17I bet it did.
14:18For a while there, I didn't think I was ever going to get it out of the packet.
14:22I mean, look, to open, simply cut a long dotted line and pull tab outwards.
14:28I mean, it's just not true.
14:29That won't get you anywhere.
14:32Then might as well say to open, wrap in a copy of the Beano and brush your teeth with it.
14:37I mean, why does it have to be hermetically sealed?
14:40It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot.
14:43That's why it wasn't delivered in a securical van.
14:46To open, bludgeoned guards to death, run oxyacetylene, torch along dotted line and dynamite, we're shown.
14:54Raymond, we're having a lovely evening.
14:56You made a super supper.
14:58Please don't spoil it.
14:59Yes, I'm sorry.
15:02Some more wine?
15:04Oh, well, I shouldn't.
15:06Oh, Mac, yes, I'll just re-cork it with my vacuum pump.
15:09No, no, on second thoughts, perhaps just a little drop.
15:13All right.
15:20I shall have to be careful.
15:22Red wine and Italian food turns me into a right-goer.
15:26I'm delighted to hear it.
15:29Are you, Raymond?
15:30Absolutely.
15:31Active bowel, active mind.
15:34I...
15:40Raymond, what's all this in aid of?
15:42The candles, the flowers, the wine?
15:44Oh, this?
15:46Oh.
15:47Oh, you know.
15:48Um.
15:49Well.
15:50Um.
15:51Well.
15:52Uh.
15:54Well, you know how much I admire you, Patricia.
15:56Not only as a police sergeant, but also as a, um.
16:01You know, as a, uh.
16:03Uh.
16:04As a woman.
16:06Oh, Raymond.
16:08Patricia.
16:09Oh, Raymond.
16:12Is there something you want to say to me?
16:14Yes.
16:16Yes, there is.
16:17Um.
16:20I want to discuss our future together.
16:23Oh.
16:23We're, we're both pretty set in our ways now.
16:27I'm a bit of an old stick in the mud and, and you're certainly not getting any younger, that's for
16:32sure.
16:34I don't want to end up boring, grey, flabby and all alone.
16:39I want to be boring, grey and flabby with you.
16:43I'm sure you feel the same way.
16:45Particularly now you're beginning to lose your looks a bit.
16:50Really?
16:51Oh, definitely.
16:53Hmm.
16:55Besides which, I'm mindful of the approaching promotion review board.
16:59My home life needs to appear solid, plain and simple.
17:03And they don't come much more solid, plain and simple than you old.
17:09So what I'm saying is, how about it?
17:13Let's get married.
17:15No.
17:16In fact, I'm leaving you.
17:20So she turned you down, like an old duvet.
17:26I was so sure of my ground.
17:30It must have been something to do with the way I proposed.
17:34Well, it can't have been any worse than when I did it, sir.
17:37I had ten bottles of Guinness to get my courage up.
17:40Did you go down on one knee?
17:41I went down on all fours.
17:45How could I have got it so wrong?
17:48Oh, I'm sure you made a very nice proposal, sir.
17:51Well, yes.
17:51As a matter of fact, I did.
17:54Wine, candles cost me a pretty penny, I can tell you.
17:57But there's no pleasing some women.
17:59Any woman, sir.
18:01And I was making a very attractive offer, I can assure you.
18:04It wasn't just my cuisine I dangled in front of her.
18:09Oh, no.
18:11What else did you dangle?
18:13My prospects at dinner.
18:18My mum won't even let me put my elbows on the table.
18:22The promotion review board are coming tomorrow.
18:26She could have been married to a chief inspector, but oh, no.
18:29Well, it's her loss.
18:31Winning!
18:33Can't flipping please them no matter what you do.
18:37I bought her a 250 grand box of milk tray.
18:44She only says she wants champagne.
18:47God, I managed to get her to settle for a bottle of Asti,
18:49but it still meant getting in the car.
18:52Well, I reckon the problem is you're both too nice.
18:55Birds don't appreciate it.
18:57Treat them mean, keep them keen.
18:59Walk away.
19:01Ta-ta, babes.
19:02It's been fun, but your luck's run out.
19:04There's plenty more nuggets in a family portion,
19:07and I've stuck my toothbrush in your mug for the last time.
19:11And for those of us whose first language is English?
19:15Forget it all for a night.
19:17Get out on the pool, meet some other girls for a change,
19:21have a drink, a laugh.
19:23Well, I suppose it can't hurt.
19:25Well, I'm not going.
19:34There's nothing wrong with a little dance.
19:37How can I ask anyone to dance?
19:39It's too noisy to communicate.
19:42You don't have to talk to them.
19:44Just walk you up to them and do this.
19:48If they don't naff off, you're on for the full portion.
19:51What?
19:53Have a go.
20:08All right, boys, give me a discreet.
20:10Gay night's Tuesdays.
20:13I can't stay long, Maggie.
20:15I'm in a friend's flat while she's on holiday,
20:17and I have to feed Toby her stupid dog.
20:20Hat, stop making excuses.
20:22It's a night out.
20:24Have a drink.
20:25Dance with a bloke or two.
20:27As if anyone would ask me,
20:28and I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
20:30Well, don't be over-eager.
20:32Just be dead cool and classy.
20:34You know, sophisticated.
20:36Say something like,
20:38I'd rather bop with the bits I cut off me dog's bum.
20:43Show him you're a strong, in-control woman.
20:46Excuse me.
20:48Fancy a dance?
20:49Yeah, all right.
20:52That one there might do for you, Kev.
20:54I used to know her.
20:56Lovely.
20:57Only interested in one thing.
20:59Oh, I see.
21:01Bit boring, is she?
21:06Do you think you can loosen your grip a bit, pal?
21:08I like to keep me knockers on the outside of the rib cage.
21:10I like to keep me knockers on the outside of the rib cage.
21:54Tricia, what in the devil's desk diary are you doing here?
21:59Dancing, if it's any business of yours.
22:03You look...
22:04You look lovely.
22:06Thanks.
22:08Your legs, then.
22:10They're new, aren't they?
22:13I haven't seen once.
22:15Perhaps we could...
22:17dance together.
22:18Well, perhaps just one.
22:23I have to get back for Toby.
22:27Toby?
22:28Who's Toby?
22:29Sir, sir.
22:30Gary says he's found you a right old slapper
22:32that even you could pull.
22:39Goodbye, constable.
22:44Goodbye, inspector.
22:47Who's Toby?
22:52But, you know, the funny thing is, I feel great.
22:55Really great.
22:58Liberated.
23:00Patricia's building a new life with Toby,
23:03and I'm happy for her.
23:06Really happy.
23:08And did you see all those beautiful girls tonight?
23:13Talk about plenty more fish in the sea.
23:18Wahey!
23:21Woof, woof.
23:23No, I feel great.
23:27A toast.
23:28A toast to feeling great.
23:32Feeling great.
23:37You miss Inspector Fallon a lot, don't you?
23:39Him?
23:40That dull, rude, boring, useless excuse of a man
23:44who'd rather read Biggles than Bonk.
23:46Of course I miss him.
23:48I love him.
23:49He looked so funny last night at the disco
23:51trying to be trendy.
23:53Oh, well, we've both made our decisions.
23:55So come on out.
23:57Let your guard down.
23:58Let your hair down.
23:59Let your mother down.
24:02No, thank you.
24:04I don't feel like it.
24:05Besides, I have to look after Toby.
24:07Honestly, it's been such a comfort having Toby around.
24:11He's really stopped me being lonely,
24:13especially at night.
24:14He just loves me for who I am, you see.
24:17And actually, even after only a couple of days,
24:20I think I love him.
24:22Mind you, I'm not saying he's not a handful.
24:24Woof, he's so rough and physical.
24:28He just leaps at you, doesn't he?
24:29Yes, he does.
24:31I hardly have time to get my coat off
24:33before he's licking me all over.
24:37Oh, I know that sort of animal.
24:39Does he want to have his head in your lap all evening?
24:43All evening.
24:44I'm snuffling away.
24:46I try to say,
24:48no, Toby,
24:49but he looks at me with those big, beautiful,
24:52soulful eyes,
24:53his tongue hanging out.
24:54Mind you,
24:55to be honest,
24:56he can be a bit disgusting.
24:57I mean,
24:58when he sits in the middle of the carpet
24:59and licks his willy,
25:01well...
25:07medical emergency on the line.
25:08Potential fatality.
25:10Boyle,
25:10can you keep it down?
25:11I'm trying to get through to the water cooler repairs hotline.
25:15Blimey,
25:16you are in a queue,
25:17all our operators are busy.
25:18And what would happen if we tried that,
25:20eh?
25:21Someone rings up dying.
25:23Sorry,
25:23all our officers are busy,
25:25your emergency is in a queue,
25:26and we will be doing nothing about it.
25:32Imagine that.
25:33Hello?
25:33Hello?
25:34Hello?
25:36Oh, finally.
25:37Right,
25:37my water spout won't spurt.
25:41No,
25:41next week is not good enough.
25:43I've got an extremely important promotions interview this afternoon.
25:47I'm going to look a right dicky-doo-dah
25:49with a non-functioning faucet filtering vicinity,
25:52aren't I?
25:55Right,
25:55Boyle,
25:55she's going to give me instructions over the phone.
25:57Get this down.
25:59Take your water cooler,
26:01yeah.
26:03and shove it up your...
26:10Maggie,
26:11Maggie,
26:11Maggie,
26:11was there any post for me?
26:13I'm very,
26:14very excited.
26:14I've ordered some weights
26:16and some dumbbells
26:17so I can iron my pump.
26:18Oh,
26:19I was wondering what this was.
26:25Thanks.
26:35Anyway,
26:36so come on,
26:36you were telling me about your new life.
26:38Oh,
26:38there's not much to tell,
26:39really.
26:40Well,
26:40how are you getting on with Toby?
26:42Well,
26:43the problem is,
26:44he can be so rough.
26:45He doesn't know his own strength sometimes.
26:47He nearly knocks me over.
26:48Does he insist on sleeping with you every night,
26:51even though you don't want him to?
26:52Yes,
26:53he does.
26:54I say,
26:55no,
26:55Toby,
26:56get out of my bed.
26:57But before I know it,
26:58he's on top of me,
26:59all hot and panting and hairy,
27:01and I've got to...
27:02Patricia,
27:03I can remain silent no longer.
27:05This Toby is an animal.
27:07Yes.
27:08If I cannot have you,
27:09then I should at least protect you from swine like him.
27:12Who is this Toby?
27:13I shall thrash the monster to within an inch of his life
27:16and hang the consequences.
27:17He's a prize-winning boxer.
27:19Well,
27:20I box a little myself,
27:21and I don't care.
27:23I love you,
27:24Patricia.
27:25I always will.
27:27And if I end up being beaten to death
27:29protecting you from this filthy pervert,
27:31then I will count my life cheap.
27:33Oh,
27:33Raymond.
27:34God,
27:35I love you.
27:36What about Toby?
27:37Toby's a dog.
27:41Yes.
27:42Oh,
27:43Raymond.
27:44You wanted to be so brave,
27:46so strong.
27:47Let's start all over.
27:49Rekindle our romance.
27:50Do all the things we never did.
27:52Yes.
27:52Let's start with a half of Mackerson at the Foggin' Truncheon.
27:55Yes.
27:57And see how we go from there.
27:59Sir,
27:59you can't go out boozing now.
28:01The people from the promotion
28:02won't be here any minute.
28:04Oh,
28:04dear.
28:05Yes.
28:07No.
28:08Kindly inform them
28:09that I have more important matters to attend to.
28:12There's always next year.
28:15Come along,
28:16Patricia.
28:23Right,
28:24Boyle,
28:24this is it.
28:25New suit,
28:27new tie,
28:29very hoity,
28:30very toity.
28:32Got Tina to iron me socks,
28:35even managed to fix me spell.
28:38They won't interview a smarter officer than me this week.
28:43Oh,
28:43yes.
28:44Very nice.
28:45Sir,
28:46the people from the promotion board are here.
28:48Right.
28:49This is it.
28:53just refresh myself with a nice cup of ice-cold water from the cooler.
29:02I think you'll agree I look rather eye-catching.
29:10You certainly do,
29:13Inspector.
29:14Good luck.
29:15Good luck.
29:17Good luck.
29:28Good luck.
29:34Good luck.
29:36Good luck.
29:36Good luck.
29:36Do you agree?
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