- 17 hours ago
Hyacinth puts everything into directing and starring in a pageant based on the Civil War. She feels it is essential that people are aware of their local history, especially with the council tax going up again.
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00:32Charge!
00:33What?
00:34Charge! Richard, charge!
00:37What is it?
00:40Has it been charged?
00:42Oh, what has Sheridan been up to now?
00:46No, no, no, dear. My new mobile phone. Is it on charge?
00:52Oh, yes. I put it on charge last night.
00:57Well, please go and check, dear. I shall need it with me all day while I'm directing the rehearsal.
01:08I hate historical pageants.
01:11Hmm? Why do I have to be King Charles?
01:16Because you're married to me and I shall be Queen.
01:20Now, why doesn't that surprise you?
01:23Do you ensure it's fully charged, Richard?
01:27The only batteries running down round here are mine.
01:32Oh, my God, that must be urgent.
01:40Probably some poor devil desperately in need of assistance.
01:43Vicarage?
01:45Correction. It's not urgent. It's just irritating.
01:49It's the Bucket Woman.
01:51What does she want at this hour?
01:54Find out.
01:58Hello, Mrs Bucket.
02:01I'm sorry, my husband's just been called away.
02:06You'll be at the church hall all day.
02:10Directing the rehearsals for the pageant.
02:13The pageant.
02:16Oh, yes, I remember.
02:18I don't know how we'd ever have got this pageant off the ground without you, Mrs Bucket.
02:23In fact, I don't think we'd even have thought about a pageant without you, Mrs Bucket.
02:29Yes, of course, we'll pop in later to see how the rehearsal's going.
02:33We'll have to go show some interest.
02:37Oh, that's nice.
02:39Yes, I'll write that down.
02:42Pencil.
02:46Yes, I've got that, thank you, Mrs Bucket.
02:49Yes, we'll see you later.
02:51Thank you for calling.
02:53What does she want?
02:55To let us know we can get in touch with her any time of day.
02:58Oh, well, that's a relief.
03:00To think we can get in touch with her any time of the day.
03:04Doesn't she realise the trick is not to get in touch with her any time of the day?
03:08What were you writing down?
03:09The number of her new mobile phone.
03:11Oh, good heavens, she's mobile now.
03:15Bucket woman, fully mobile.
03:18She's going to be an epidemic.
03:20And there's no cure.
03:21Why did you let her take charge of the pageant?
03:24I thought Emmett was doing it.
03:27Until she came along, I think Emmett thought Emmett was doing it.
03:34Take it through to the changing rooms, dear.
03:38And do be careful with my crown.
03:41In the middle of a civil war, would the Queen be wearing her crown?
03:45It's a question of morale, Richard.
03:48Keeping up the people's spirits.
03:53I expect the peasants love to see me wearing my crown.
03:58You follow Richard through, dear.
04:01And tell all our volunteers I'll be with them in a minute.
04:05Here.
04:06Oh!
04:07Ho-ho!
04:12As soon as I've made a call on my mobile phone.
04:15I did tell you I'm now on a mobile phone, did I, Elizabeth?
04:18Yes, I since.
04:19Several times.
04:21I like my friends to have my number.
04:24Oh, I think we've all got your number, Hart.
04:27Oh, dear Emmett.
04:29What a tire of strength you are.
04:32I shall be surprised if you don't end up as one of the Queen's favourites.
04:38Perhaps you'd begin by getting our volunteers into some kind of order.
04:43Alphabetical or monastic.
04:46No, you are, Emmett.
04:47No, begin sorting out the roundheads from the Cavaliers.
04:52They can practice their curtsies for when I enter.
04:55Though I shan't be wearing my crown just yet.
04:59I don't want to blind them with royalty too soon.
05:05Hello.
05:06Hello.
05:07Is that the local paper?
05:09Hmm.
05:11Well, I wish to speak with your editor, please.
05:14Hmm?
05:15Tell him this is Mrs. Hyacinth Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T, calling on her mobile phone.
05:30From the church hall, where she is directing a rehearsal of a pageant.
05:36And we'll be available for photographs if he cares to send someone round.
05:41Oh.
05:42Well, I'm sure he'll wish to send someone round.
05:45We are, after all, reconstructing one of the area's most important historical events.
05:50Hmm?
05:51I think your editor would agree with me that it is of paramount importance for people to
05:58be made aware of their local history, especially with the council tax due to go up again.
06:04However, would you please tell him, if he wishes to speak to me, he may do so on the number
06:10I shall now give you, which is my personal mobile phone with last number, redial and one-touch
06:16facility.
06:19Hello?
06:20Hello?
06:21Oh, that's funny.
06:23Must have clashed with a banner headline.
06:42If your rose is in love with a Spaniard...
06:46She's done, Spain.
06:47She's on Central Europe now.
06:50What's she getting romantic for at this time of the morning?
06:53It's not like our Rose.
06:56She's not usually up this early.
06:58Maybe she's just come in.
07:00Maybe she thinks it's still last night music.
07:04Rose, will you turn that music down?
07:07Oh, it's not me.
07:09It's Father.
07:10He's taking dancing lessons from a Mr. Crabtree.
07:17Your father's dancing with a Mr. Crabtree?
07:20Well, the word doesn't seem to know or the love have I.
07:26I'm going to have to change his pills.
07:30I should do it fairly quickly.
07:35That's better.
07:37People will see it there.
07:39Oh, up a bit with that, dear.
07:41Well, how far?
07:43No, that's too far.
07:44If I knew it would have been too far, I would have bet my headless hat on it.
07:49You'd better put these church notices back, dear.
07:52Right.
07:54Hyacinth, about those volunteers.
07:56Oh, sort them into two groups.
07:58Graceful ones for cavaliers, clumsy ones for roundheads.
08:02Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem, Hyacinth.
08:05There always is, dear.
08:06It's probably those clumsy roundheads.
08:09I shall be in in a moment to organise them personally.
08:13In the meantime, try to keep them quiet.
08:15Oh, they're quiet?
08:16They're very quiet.
08:19Was that my mobile phone?
08:24Richard!
08:25Did you hear my mobile phone?
08:26You keep asking me that and I keep saying,
08:28no, I can't say I did hear your mobile phone.
08:31I'm sure I heard my mobile phone.
08:37No, perhaps not.
08:39I do hope you made sure it was fully charged, dear.
08:43Oh, come along, Richard.
08:45Leave those church notices.
08:47We have to go and organise our volunteers.
08:51Come on, dear, come on.
08:55Door, dear.
08:59Now, then, all you volunteers,
09:03graceful ones on the left,
09:04podgy people on the right.
09:11Where have they gone?
09:12Where have my volunteers gone?
09:15Don't ask me.
09:16I'm not guilty.
09:18Where has Elizabeth taken my volunteers?
09:23Hyacinth, that's the problem.
09:24I haven't taken them anywhere.
09:26There's no one to take.
09:28But where have they gone?
09:29Well, I don't think they've gone.
09:31I think they never came.
09:34That's very peculiar.
09:36Didn't they know I'd be here?
09:37Yes, I think they knew you'd be here.
09:44Emmett!
10:00Anymore breakfast?
10:02Have we any more?
10:03There's another can in the fridge.
10:05Oh!
10:14Didn't you think your father ought to be dancing with a Mr. Crabtree?
10:18He fought for freedom, didn't he?
10:35I can't understand why they're not here.
10:39I made a point of asking them personally to volunteer.
10:43How very sporting of you to give them advanced warning like that.
10:49Hello, Mrs. Davey.
10:50Yes, I'm calling you on my mobile phone.
10:54It's Hyacinth, OK?
10:56Hello?
10:57Hello?
11:00There must be a bad connection.
11:03I'll try another number.
11:05I cannot understand why they're all not here.
11:10They can't have confused the date.
11:12I made it very clear.
11:15Mrs. Gilby, I'm calling you on my mobile phone.
11:20It's House Inferno K here.
11:22Hello?
11:23Hello?
11:25Hello?
11:27Strange.
11:29I'm sorry.
11:30No luck.
11:31None of them can come.
11:33Why have I not, dear?
11:35Oh, they all have reasons.
11:37Very inventive reasons.
11:38Did you see Mrs. Drummond?
11:40Why can't she come?
11:42Her mother is ill.
11:44Mrs. Lomax's grandmother is ill.
11:47And Mrs. Duffield's great-grandmother is ill.
11:52Oh.
11:57I'm sorry, Harsons.
11:59It's father's dancing lesson.
12:03He wants to be ready for his holiday in Spain.
12:07You want what?
12:10You want Onslow to be a roundhead?
12:15In a civil war?
12:18Well, will there be any danger?
12:21I don't want him in the thick of any fighting.
12:23No.
12:24I don't just want Onslow.
12:26I want all of you.
12:27Everybody.
12:29I need volunteers.
12:32My other people didn't turn up.
12:34But everybody seems to be ill.
12:37There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe.
12:43So, see how many you can bring, will you, Daisy?
12:47My roundhead and cavalier was in jeopardy.
12:50I'm going to phone Violet.
12:53Are you sure?
12:54That's a good idea, Hyacinth.
12:56How do you mean, dear?
12:57Well, when I spoke to Violet yesterday, she and Bruce were having a war of their own.
13:03Oh, I expect they've patched that up now.
13:06One of them will have surrendered.
13:08Now, hurry up, will you, Daisy?
13:11I need to have everything ship-shaped before the vicar arrives.
13:15Goodbye.
13:17These creases aren't coming out.
13:20Well, is your iron hot enough?
13:26Yes.
13:27Well, is it the right temperature for the fabric?
13:32You've got it on the right setting.
13:35You're on man-made fibres.
13:37It doesn't say roundheads or cavaliers.
13:42Sometimes I think Robinson Crusoe must have been a woman.
13:46Come on, get on with it.
13:47Richard's doing it.
13:49Richard's doing it.
13:51Richard can manage anything.
13:53I wouldn't say that.
13:55Sometimes when I watch you and Hyacinth together, I think to myself,
13:58Richard could manage anything.
14:00Well, I suppose I am fairly adaptable, but then I've always had a good incentive.
14:05Richard!
14:07That's it.
14:12You know, Liz, when I got divorced, I thought it was the worst thing in the world.
14:17But since then, I've learnt that there's something worse than being divorced.
14:22What's that?
14:23Not being divorced.
14:26Now, Richard, I may not have had much luck with my volunteers, but fortunately the family are rallying round.
14:34Violet and Bruce are on their way, and I've called Daisy, so it's all hands on deck, which means, Richard,
14:42that Onslow's coming.
14:43Have you invited Onslow?
14:46It is an emergency.
14:47Well, it must be.
14:49Now, I want you to wait inside the entrance and grab him as soon as he arrives.
14:54I want Onslow in costume as soon as he walks through that door.
15:00Onslow is a roundhead I can cope with.
15:03Onslow is Onslow.
15:04Onslow, I don't care to think about.
15:11You'll make a great roundhead.
15:15Only promise to be careful.
15:17I would have liked a choice.
15:20I would have liked somebody to say, Onslow, do you fancy roundhead, or do you fancy cavalier?
15:27Cavalier.
15:28You'd make a great cavalier.
15:34You just think I'm great.
15:35I do, I do.
15:38I take your point.
15:43How do I look?
15:44How do I look?
15:46I don't think they'll have any suitable parts for a dress like that.
15:50Oh.
15:51I'll change, I'll change.
15:53Are we taking Father?
15:54She said bring everybody.
15:56Oh, what about Mr Crabtree?
15:58She said bring everybody.
15:59Oh, Father, you are going and bring Mr Crabtree.
16:06You will be careful being a roundhead and everything.
16:13Daze, we're only acting Civil War.
16:17We're not actually doing Civil War.
16:19I hate to go to war.
16:22Just come back to me onslow.
16:24Oh, James!
16:26Please knock it off!
16:31Oh, there isn't time for that now.
16:48I thought I heard a car.
16:50Now, if it's onslow, grab him straight away and put him into costume.
16:55Oh, it's a Mercedes.
16:57A Mercedes!
16:59It's Violet and Bruce.
17:01Go and fetch Elizabeth and Emmett, will you, dear?
17:03Have they met my sister with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony?
17:08Several times.
17:09Well, fetch them anyway.
17:11It's time they renewed the acquaintance.
17:14Mrs Partridge?
17:16Yes, this is Hyacinth Bourquet speaking.
17:19Yes, have you forgotten the pageant?
17:22Really?
17:24Oh!
17:25Oh, I am sorry your grandmother's ill.
17:29Oh, hello?
17:31Hello?
17:32Oh, there you are.
17:33Just in time to say hello to Violet and Bruce.
17:36Oh!
17:37You can't leave me!
17:38Oh, come back to me, Violet!
17:40Think about the scandal!
17:42The children!
17:43The alimony!
17:45We can catch them later.
17:47Off you go.
17:48Back to your ironing.
17:50You know I love you!
17:52Deep down you know I love you!
17:54Well, I can't afford not to love you!
17:57Such a devoted couple.
18:04I didn't know he was married.
18:06Well, you know now!
18:07The swine!
18:08The swine told me he was divorced!
18:09He was divorced!
18:11Then he married me!
18:12Slow learner!
18:14The swine!
18:15I know he's a swine, but he's my swine!
18:18You can keep him!
18:20You can keep him!
18:20I see he's not good enough for you now, is he?
18:21Sounds like a pillock to me.
18:24Look!
18:25If I catch you anywhere...
18:26Excuse me!
18:27We've got to go!
18:28Could you postpone this fight till later?
18:29I haven't finished with her yet!
18:31I'm not finished with her yet!
18:33Come with us!
18:34You can finish it on the way!
18:36We've got to go to a pageant!
18:38We're not dressed for going anywhere special!
18:40You can say that again!
18:43You'll be all right!
18:45You'll be all right!
18:45You'll be all right!
18:46You'll be all right!
18:46You'll be all right!
18:46You'll be all right!
18:47You'll be all right!
18:48Why did you have to be for a civil war?
18:52If I need you, where will you be?
18:54Beyond human recall, visiting the far corners of my parish.
18:57Where exactly?
18:59Zimbabwe, if I can manage it!
19:01It's no good!
19:03You can't avoid it!
19:04You're going to have to call in and cast your eye over the rehearsals for the pageant!
19:08Can't you go?
19:10You could go!
19:11It'd be a change for you!
19:12I'll come with you!
19:13And that's bravery beyond the call of duty!
19:16But it's your responsibility!
19:18You'll have to be there!
19:19The woman's impossible as a bucket!
19:22Imagine what she's going to be like as a queen!
19:26It seems such a shame!
19:27It was a poor old king that lost his head!
19:33And what did you do in the great civil war, Daddy?
19:37I ironed, son!
19:39I ironed for Hyacinth!
19:42And remarkably well, too!
19:44I can make use of those pianist fingers of yours in the future!
19:48I'm strengthening these fingers for a noble purpose!
19:52One day they're going to be wrapped round the throat of a certain party!
19:57You know she's a great fan of yours!
20:00You know I love you, Violet!
20:03Get lost!
20:03You know I'd do anything to stop you divorcing me!
20:06I'm going off with half our property!
20:10Have you seen my sister Violet?
20:11They've just gone through!
20:13Rapidly!
20:15Poor Bruce!
20:16With all his business interests, he never has a moment!
20:19He's always on the move!
20:21He was certainly on the move when they passed through here!
20:24I think he must have heard you coming, Harrison!
20:27Doesn't Emmet iron beautifully?
20:29Of course he does!
20:31He has such musical fingers!
20:41I'm sure I heard a car!
20:44I did!
20:45I heard a car!
20:47Now don't forget Richard!
20:49Grab Honslow as soon as he walks through that door!
20:51He's not usually wearing much she can grab!
20:54Exactly!
20:55So whisk him away and get him into costume!
20:57Yeah, and he's not exactly built for whisky!
20:59Oh, be firm Richard!
21:02Remember you're the king!
21:14He always had a weakness for brassy tarts!
21:17Slipped up with you then, didn't he?
21:19How long has it been going on for?
21:21I'd like to know!
21:22Mr Moody and I are barely acquainted!
21:24I've seen him coming in at two o'clock in the morning from that barely acquainted!
21:28Oh, who knows!
21:30Needn't have been returning from me, you know!
21:32I'm not the only person that's available at that time in the morning!
21:39Daisy!
21:40Who is that person you brought with you?
21:42It's just a friend of a friend of Rose!
21:44You said bring everybody!
21:48Onslow!
21:49You haven't shaved!
21:50You're gonna have to get used to the ravages of war!
21:54Go with Richard!
21:55Try your costume!
21:57I don't know why everybody takes it for granted that Onslow is a roundhead!
22:01He'll always be a cavalier to me!
22:06I hope we've got a Baldrick your size!
22:09Yeah!
22:10Nothing worse than a skimpy Baldrick!
22:19I do hope Daddy doesn't overextend himself in the tango!
22:24What are you saying?
22:25What are you saying?
22:26Give us a couple of four packs, love!
22:29We'll see the trials ahead!
22:30Yes sir, certainly!
22:41Yes sir, certainly!
22:42Right!
22:43You've got the hang of the lighting!
22:44Well yeah, I think so!
22:46It's not a question Liz, it's an order!
22:48You've got the hang of the lighting!
22:51Next thing is the curtain!
22:52Oh no, please!
22:53Oh no, no, not the curtain as well!
22:55It's not difficult!
22:57All you have to do is pull on the rope, the end one!
23:00As well as the lighting!
23:01I suppose in my spare time I should be out there selling ice creams!
23:04Don't you snark me, sister dear!
23:07We're all here at the beck and call of something that is larger than all of us!
23:12There's a destiny that shapes our end!
23:14And at this moment it's getting dressed as a queen!
23:20Richard, how do I look?
23:22Fine, fine!
23:24Fine?
23:26Shouldn't that be majestic?
23:29That's what I meant, majestic!
23:31Suggestive!
23:33Mercifully, I've invited a second and more professional opinion!
23:37What is it, Harrison?
23:39I've tried to get the stage arrangements finished!
23:41Oh dear Emmet!
23:42I want your opinion on my dress as queen!
23:48Is it regal, do you think?
23:53It's suggestive!
24:00Suggestive?
24:02Exactly!
24:03And that is what's wrong, you see, Harrison!
24:06She was French, you know!
24:08The Queen of England French!
24:10Her name was Henrietta Maria!
24:12She married Charles on the 1st of May 1625, in Paris by proxy!
24:16And then subsequently at Canterbury on the 13th of June!
24:18Oh yes, of course!
24:21I must have got it mixed up with Charles II!
24:24Possibly!
24:24Oh!
24:25It's all very confusing, isn't it?
24:28Because he married another Henrietta!
24:31Catherine Henrietta of Braganza!
24:3321st of May 1662!
24:36That's right!
24:37And she was the English one!
24:39No, she was the daughter of the King of Portugal!
24:41They got married at Portsmouth!
24:433pm on a Wednesday!
24:47And, er, it was raining!
24:49Oh, don't be silly!
24:52Oh, a musician and a historian, Emma!
24:55Well, actually, I have been doing a bit of research.
24:57I think it's important that these things be accurate!
25:00My feelings precisely!
25:02Right!
25:03Charles I's Queen was French!
25:06I'll bear that in mind!
25:10Most historians generally agree that she was quite a...
25:14provocative lady!
25:16Provocative?
25:17Apparently!
25:19So I think your costume ought to be a little more...
25:22French!
25:23French!
25:24Vous ne pensez pas votre majestine?
25:27Oh, il...
25:29Oh, cheer up!
25:33Just smile nicely and it will soon be over!
25:36I think I'd rather have been in the real Civil War!
25:41It doesn't sound like a Civil War tune!
25:45Get your body home, woman!
25:47Let's help less of this nonsense!
25:49And when I do get you home, you're going to cross my knee, Violet!
25:52You try it and I'll hit you where I hit you last time!
25:55Aridan!
25:57I think the dialogue's a bit forceful, don't you?
26:10Any time you want him back, just say the word!
26:12I don't need your word to get my husband back!
26:15You should keep him at home!
26:16Then he wouldn't get into any trouble!
26:18He was at home!
26:19Until you came along showing your legs and your... accessories!
26:23I'm going to have to do something about this dialogue!
26:27Hello, er, on stage!
26:30Erm...
26:31Oh, hello, Vicka!
26:33Er, we're just getting ready for the entrance of the Queen!
26:36Er, ready!
26:38Er, Richard, who wrote the dialogue for this piece?
26:42Er, I think, er, Hyacinth did most of it.
26:45It's really quite strong!
26:46Oh, good!
26:47Oh, oh, she, she will be pleased!
26:49I'd rather just sit down!
26:51Now, er, can we have, erm, the lights up, please?
26:54And the fanfare for the entrance of the Queen, please!
26:58Yes, yes, a minute!
26:59Right, now, that one to... there!
27:02And that one right the way up!
27:04Fanfare!
27:05Fanfare!
27:05Fanfare!
27:19Where is my husband, the King?
27:25That's it!
27:26I've seen enough!
27:27Finished!
27:28Quite unsuitable!
27:29Curtain!
27:30Curtain!
27:31Curtain!
27:32Yes, right, and one!
27:33That's right!
27:35Oh!
27:46Hyacinth!
27:47Hyacinth!
27:53Oh, Richard!
27:55If I'm going to die...
27:58Oh, you're not going to die!
28:00Please make sure Onslow wears a tie at the funeral!
28:08It was just a bump on the head, Mrs Bucket!
28:11Tell God it's bouquet!
28:13Hey!
28:14Yay!
29:10Hello, welcome to England.
29:13Hello, welcome to England.
29:25It's much more than fish and chips.
29:27We've got chicks with a tix and a big filled lips.
29:29I need odd kids and a RS6.
29:30Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick.
29:32Lies with more grips that'll creep in your crib.
29:34I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
29:35Take the cash down, get into the whip.
29:37Leaves are wasting, I'm feeling like Hamilton.
29:39Weeghals amazing, cops gang grabbing them.
29:41Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
29:42Follow us torture police, here it's fun and leave.