- 8 hours ago
Hyacinth decides to share her undoubted experience of being a perfect hostess and advertises in the local paper.
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00:16I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:33was that the papers are you asleep Richard I'm surprised you can sleep you
00:46know it's an important day for me I'll be surprised if you can sleep much longer
00:58did you bolt the door door it's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall
01:10a particularly dangerous time for intruders why what happens to them
01:19I'm only thinking of our safety I don't want you worrying about intruders
01:25I wasn't worrying I was asleep lucky you I might be asleep if I thought you'd bolted
01:32the door why don't I go and bolt the door Richard would you and see if the papers
01:48come while you're there oh that's what this is all about I thought I heard a noise it might have
01:57been
01:57the paper could have been an intruder
02:16there it is have a good look lad that's the house the lair of the dragon lady mrs. Buck
02:27she's why we get up an hour early because it's worth it just to be able to walk down that
02:31path and
02:32deliver her milk without getting caught
02:45you need to go better not I promise your mother I'll look after you you take that side I'll go
02:55I can do it just as long as I know she's safely in bed
03:09answer me I can't hear you checking I can't hear you checking I'm checking as I go
03:24what are you doing about this hour it's a good question Richard she's not getting up is she
03:32what kind of a man are you making your wife get up this early she's not getting up can I
03:38have that
03:38in writing I hope certainly right I'll clear this up just make quite sure that she's not getting up
03:55who are you talking to milkman why is he always so early nowadays I miss our little chats yes so
04:06does he
04:09at every opportunity
04:13Richard you're not going back to sleep again
04:16doesn't look like it
04:18surely you're a little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career
04:23I am a little excited I'm very sleepy and a little excited
04:29get back to sleep
04:31all right
04:41it's no good
04:42I must be up when the paperboy comes
04:45suppose when he pushes it through our letterbox
04:48he tears the very page displaying my advertisement
05:00I thought you were going
05:01I was going
05:02but hyacinth keeps popping out every 30 seconds
05:06like a demented cuckoo clock
05:09oh I'm never gonna make it without her spotting me
05:12I thought you wanted to be early today
05:14I did want to be early but not so badly that I want to get entangled with hyacinth
05:18you can't just stay indoors because you might meet hyacinth
05:22oh yes I can
05:25I know when I'm well off
05:28there she goes again what on earth is she doing
05:50come on
05:51come on
05:51that is a chance
05:52I'm never gonna make it
05:54Well, you won't if you don't hurry.
06:07I thought I heard him.
06:10How can you hear a paperboy? Half asleep in trainers.
06:13How much noise could he make?
06:15I do hate it when they're late.
06:17Well, is he late?
06:19Perhaps I'd better make a phone call.
06:23Who would you call for a lost paperboy?
06:26You can't call anybody. He won't be lost. He'll be on his way.
06:31I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately.
06:35Because I made him wash his ears.
06:38What gave you cause to do that?
06:40I caught him poking them.
06:44I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears.
06:50You brought the paperboy in to wash his ears.
06:55Good heavens, no, Richard. Of course I didn't.
06:58Do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paperboy indoors?
07:04No, I took him out a wet wipe.
07:08And I stood over him until he'd done the job properly.
07:12I may not be able to influence many of the ways of this world,
07:16but at least my paperboy has clean ears.
07:20Paperboy.
07:24Oh, what a beautiful, cooey.
07:31Good morning, Emmett.
07:33Off to work, then?
07:34No, no.
07:36I thought I'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies.
07:40Oh, that's nice.
07:41Have you seen the paper?
07:43So that's who you're waiting for.
07:46I have an advertisement in the paper this morning.
07:48I want to make sure they've placed it somewhere suitable.
07:51I know what you mean, Hyacinth.
07:53There are certain things that we encounter in life
07:55that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable.
07:58Ah, there he is now.
08:00About time.
08:02I'm sorry, Emmett.
08:03I can't stop to converse.
08:06We must have our chats some other time.
08:09Young man!
08:24What has happened to you?
08:27Have you ever tried to catch a paperboy?
08:30Oh, tea!
08:32Tea!
08:34Oh!
08:35Is your advert in?
08:37Oh, see if you can find it, will you, dear?
08:41Oh!
08:42I can't focus properly.
08:44The world's dancing about.
08:46Oh!
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh, I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring.
08:53Now that my advertisement's appeared,
08:55I shall be inundated with calls.
08:58You'll have to help me, Richard.
08:59Are you sure it's in this week?
09:01Look for somewhere prestigious.
09:04It's quite small,
09:06but they promised specifically to put it somewhere prestigious.
09:09And what does it say?
09:11Experienced hostess.
09:13Offers her services for your special occasion.
09:19Followed by my telephone number.
09:24Oh!
09:24Well, it is that all.
09:25No wonder I can't find it.
09:29Short and dignified, dear.
09:31You know me,
09:32I'm never one to go on at length.
09:35Not a lot of people know that.
09:40Don't be silly, dear.
09:41Don't be silly.
09:42Here it is.
09:43Here it is.
09:44Short and dignified.
09:47Oh!
09:49It's a big day for me, Richard.
09:51Yes.
09:51This could be the start of something important.
09:55I could become the Barbara Cartland
09:57of the West Midland Social Circuit scene.
10:00Yes, not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year.
10:06It's not just a career, Richard.
10:09It's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well-laid table.
10:14In my own small way,
10:16I shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living.
10:21For my advanced classes,
10:23I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers.
10:33Oh, I do hope you'll stop me, Richard,
10:36if I ever decide to chase another paperboy.
10:40Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
10:47You used to say, wow, Dave, that pink dress.
11:02What was it you liked about my pink one?
11:08Your pink what?
11:10My pink dress.
11:12You said you liked me in that pink dress.
11:14Oh, Dave, what kind of way is that to wake a person up?
11:19Other people get a cup of tea.
11:21You said I looked really edible in that pink dress.
11:28You haven't got a pink dress.
11:30Not now.
11:31You tore it off me that night.
11:37I tore it off you?
11:39Yes, you did.
11:40You must have been on fire.
11:47It was you that was on fire.
11:51You said I looked like a strawberry ice with caramel topping.
11:57You had to be prevented from luching me all over.
12:07How long ago was this?
12:11It was before we were married.
12:13I was thinking that much.
12:17Will you come here a moment, dear?
12:20Tell me, does this look suitable?
12:24For what?
12:25For answering the telephone.
12:29Does it really matter what she looked like answering the phone?
12:32Well, of course it matters, Richard.
12:34People have a right to expect their social advisor to be suitably attired when answering the telephone.
12:44It could be my first client.
12:48The Bacay residence, the lady perhaps speaking.
12:53Oh, it's you, Violet.
12:55Violet, I can't stay long on the telephone, dear.
12:58I'm expecting some very important business calls.
13:02I don't remember tearing your dress off.
13:06Are you sure you were with me?
13:09Do you mind?
13:10I don't usually tear your dress off.
13:13I've noticed.
13:15I've usually got it off before I get through the door.
13:18This was one of Rose's engagement parties.
13:21Yeah.
13:22Well, that doesn't narrow it down much.
13:26Your Rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps.
13:31I heard that.
13:33Father's already up and dressed.
13:35What's his hurry?
13:36Oh, he goes to his hobby circle today.
13:39But that's not till this evening.
13:41He doesn't want to be late.
13:44Rose, who were you getting engaged to when I wore a pink dress?
13:49A pink dress?
13:51I can't remember.
13:53Me neither.
13:54He was at one of your engagement dues.
13:57What was I wearing?
13:59Well, he wouldn't be white, I can tell you that.
14:03Well, where are we going?
14:05Now, sit there, Richard.
14:07And then you won't miss any calls.
14:11I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge.
14:14No, you'll be quite comfy, dear.
14:16Read something.
14:18Look, the telephone book.
14:22Now, I won't be a moment.
14:23I'm simply going to invite Elizabeth for coffee.
14:26Well, why don't you phone her?
14:28That's what you normally do.
14:29Richard, we have to keep this line free.
14:33It's bad enough that calls from people responding to my advertisement will have to take their turn stacking up at
14:39the exchange.
14:41Without making BT's life even more difficult.
14:44We may have to have a second line installed.
14:47Oh, I have to.
14:48Anyway, if there's a call for me, fetch me immediately.
14:53I'll do that.
14:55Oh, and do answer the telephone nicely, Richard.
14:59The way I do.
15:12The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
15:18No, I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls.
15:24This is not the Chinese takeaway.
15:27And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial.
15:34We'll soon find out when it was.
15:36I've got Rose sorting out photos from her engagement parties.
15:40Well, you'd better give her a hand to carry them, otherwise she'll give herself a hernia.
15:49There's some of Rose's photos in here.
15:52It's somewhere.
15:54We can put that album on one side.
15:57Those are me early ones.
15:59Yes, we can forget about the black and white ones.
16:03And the sepia.
16:11There you are, dear.
16:13Thank you, Hyacinth.
16:15I'm so glad you could come, Elizabeth.
16:18But don't be surprised if I have to dash off to answer the telephone.
16:22Sounds very exciting, this new venture of yours, Hyacinth.
16:25Yes, doesn't it?
16:27Also, I feel it's a duty on my part, you know.
16:31Good taste is so very rare these days.
16:35There's a whole world out there in need of my advice.
16:38Cream?
16:39Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.
16:43What exactly are the services you're offering?
16:46Oh, everything connected with social etiquette and gracious entertaining.
16:51Sugar?
16:53Everything from how to lay a table in the manner of your social betters.
16:57Oh, no tongs.
17:01To advice on menus for the unimaginative.
17:05Unimaginative?
17:06Hmm, the kind of things people experience at my candlelight suppers.
17:15I wouldn't mind a coffee.
17:18Richard, go and sit by the telephone, dear.
17:22We will hear it in here.
17:25Excuse me, Elizabeth.
17:26Do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
17:30Now, look, Richard, I cannot be in two places at once.
17:35I want you to sit here with pencil at the ready to take down names and addresses.
17:40But I can hear the telephone perfectly well in the kitchen.
17:45Shh!
17:46Precisely.
17:49Delicious, aren't they?
17:55Look, I couldn't say this in front of Elizabeth, but she does have this unfortunate habit of dropping something every
18:01time the telephone rings.
18:03If this happens, I might be distracted, torn between the ringing and the fate of my polished table or handmade
18:11Burmese rug.
18:12Now, sit here with your pencil at the ready.
18:21Titting with my pencil at the ready.
18:29Oh, I liked him.
18:32I wish you'd married this one.
18:34Oh, that one.
18:36Yes, it looked all right, but it was underpowered.
18:42He was underpowered.
18:45Any more breakfast?
18:46You've drunk it all.
18:51Who's this?
18:53When were you engaged to this?
18:56I don't know.
18:57Are you sure it's one of mine?
19:00Well, that's you on his arm.
19:04Oh, yes.
19:07I don't remember him at all.
19:12Ninety-two.
19:15Ninety-three.
19:18Would you like a little top-up, dear?
19:19Oh, no, no, no, no, that's fine.
19:21Thank you, Hyacinth.
19:22Well, you mustn't let it get cold.
19:25I shall also advise, of course, on appropriate music for elegant soirees.
19:32And I know just the person to help me there, Emmet.
19:42We get on so well, your brother and I.
19:46I'm sure he'd enjoy working out a programme with me.
19:50Oh, soggy bickies.
19:56Emmet's very busy, Hyacinth.
19:58Perhaps on special occasions, the two of us could perform together musically.
20:03Only for my very best clients, of course.
20:06I want this whole thing to be stately and gracious.
20:09The essence of the art of entertaining lies, I always think, in establishing an atmosphere
20:16of grace and decorum.
20:18Oh!
20:23The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
20:27Oh, it's you, Daisy.
20:29It's my sister, Daisy.
20:32She's not the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony.
20:36Oh, Richard.
20:38Get out of the way.
20:39Oh, who was in the way, dear?
20:44Now, Daisy, what is it, dear?
20:47Look, I can't stay long on the telephone.
20:50This is now a business line.
20:51I'm expecting clients to call.
20:54How's Daddy?
20:55Ah, dear Daddy.
20:57Daddy's gone to his hobby circle.
21:00I knew Daddy was a born philatelist.
21:03Do I remember who, dear?
21:06Rose's fiancés.
21:07Yes, yes, I'm afraid I do remember Rose's fiancés.
21:11The one in the green suit.
21:14Well, I mean, I can't remember his name, but I do vaguely remember someone in a green suit.
21:20Richard, whom did Rose become engaged to in a green suit?
21:24I don't think I've ever seen Rose in a green suit.
21:30Not her, him!
21:33Or should that be not she, he?
21:37Thank you for the coffee, Hyacinth.
21:39Always a pleasure, Elizabeth.
21:44I'd rather you didn't climb over the wall, dear.
21:47Somebody who's read my advertisement might just happen to be watching.
21:56You will tell Emmett about my little plans for him.
21:58Oh, I think perhaps you'd better tell him, Hyacinth.
22:00I'm sure he'd be thrilled.
22:03I'm sure he'd be more than thrilled.
22:06And tell him he mustn't be shy.
22:09I'll be there with him.
22:12He'll be with someone who knows how to conduct herself in social situations.
22:18Hyacinth!
22:19Telephone!
22:21Richard!
22:23Please don't shout in the street.
22:27It's not like you to go about shouting in the street.
22:31You've got a client.
22:38How do I look?
22:40How do I look?
22:42How do I look?
22:50Hello!
22:51Scintillating socialising.
22:56Senior soiree staff supervisor speaking.
22:59Yes.
23:00How many are you?
23:02Twenty!
23:03Oh, no, we enjoy the larger functions.
23:07Yes.
23:09No good being elegant if there's no one there to see it.
23:12Our fees?
23:14Oh, well, I'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate.
23:18Yes, I think I can promise you you're in for a treat.
23:24Address?
23:3124A Market Street.
23:33Oh, that's nice and central.
23:35Yes.
23:35And time?
23:36Six o'clock.
23:38And when?
23:40Today.
23:41Today?
23:43No, well, it is rather short notice, but don't worry.
23:46We shan't let you down.
23:49Goodbye.
23:51Oh, Richard.
23:53Richard, my first clients.
23:56Twenty people.
23:58All wanting to improve their social graces.
24:04Emmett!
24:06My musical friend.
24:10Hart, you look amazing.
24:15I'm going consulting.
24:17Soon, I hope.
24:19Immediately.
24:21I'm on my way now.
24:23If only Richard would stop dawdling.
24:29Richard!
24:34What a pity Emmett couldn't come.
24:37I'm sure he was devastated.
24:40He would have so enjoyed it.
24:43I don't know who these people are, but they're clearly interested in music.
24:46They invited me to bring my own.
24:49Why did they need music?
24:51Background, dear.
24:53Mind the pedestrian.
24:54She is on the pavement.
24:56She won't decide to cross.
24:59Er, minding that pedestrian?
25:05I can't see 24, eh?
25:07Can you?
25:08I can't even see 24.
25:12Stop the car.
25:1636.
25:18We must have passed it reverse, Richard.
25:20I can't, because this is a one-way street.
25:23Oh, really?
25:25Fancy choosing a one-way street.
25:28I can't choose.
25:29We'll have to walk back.
25:49Come along, Richard.
25:50Don't dawdle.
25:51I mustn't be late.
25:53I'm on a double.
25:58Oh, here it is.
26:00One above a shop.
26:02Why not?
26:03A group of like-minded enthusiasts need somewhere central to hold their meetings.
26:08Now, wait here, Richard.
26:09I'll go and relieve their minds.
26:10They must be wondering where I've got to.
26:13Oh.
26:14And I'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up.
26:27Hello, Richard.
26:29David.
26:29David.
26:30Hello.
26:31Let you out on your own, has she?
26:34Someone shouldn't have said that.
26:35It just slipped out.
26:36Oh, that's all right.
26:38No, no.
26:38It's not a very subtle observation, is it?
26:40Fairly accurate, all the same.
26:43What am I asking?
26:44And how long have you been married now?
26:4632 years.
26:4832 years?
26:49Good heavens.
26:50Still, look on the bright side.
26:52You should be due for parole soon.
26:58Come along, Richard.
27:02What's the matter?
27:03What is it?
27:04What a mercy!
27:05I didn't bring my royal dooton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
27:09Where are we going?
27:12We're going home.
27:14Home.
27:15Get this door open, Richard.
27:17Oh, give me those keys.
27:19But it can't be over already.
27:22It is for me.
27:25They misread my advert.
27:30They were all men, and they thought I was going to be a striptease artist.
27:39Oh, you're a merchant.
27:44Now, don't get settled, Richard.
27:46You have one last task to perform.
27:50What's that?
27:51To go back into number 24A.
27:54Why, for goodness sake?
27:56To get daddy out.
27:59To get daddy out.
28:26To get daddy out.
28:28To get daddy out.
29:01Hello, welcome to England
29:15Hello, welcome to England, it's much more than fish and chips
29:18We've got chicks with the tits and the big filled lips
29:20Ballyed up kids and the RS6
29:21Big two fillies, four fillies with a kick
29:23Guys with more grips, little creep in your crib
29:25I smell bacon, I smell pigs
29:27Take the cash down, get into the whip
29:28Leeds road racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton
29:30Weegros amazing, crops, yeah, I'm grabbing them
29:32Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them
29:34Fuck the West Yorkshire police, yeah, they're standing up