- 2 days ago
Hyacinth volunteers to meet the Ladies Luncheon special guest - a retired commodore - at the railway station, but soon finds herself all at sea.
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00:02I know I'm not encouraged to have an inquiring mind, but why are we going to wherever I'm taking you?
00:11Our destination is the manor house function rooms in Moreton Road.
00:16I have to see to the arrangements for today's ladies' luncheon club. They rely on me so.
00:25Does that mean you won't be at home for lunch?
00:27Milton, of course I won't be at home for lunch, dear. We have a special speaker today. You'll have to
00:36manage on your own for once.
00:44The molecular biologist will tell you that 98% of our genes are identical to those of monkeys.
00:54Less than 2% are specifically human.
00:59So?
01:03So why do I wake up craving for a fag and not a banana?
01:10You've been watching Open University again.
01:14It broadens your intellectual horizons.
01:18That's true. If it wasn't for your handicap, you'd have gone far.
01:26What handicap?
01:29Bone idleness.
01:33That's not a handicap. It's a philosophical position. I'm making a statement.
01:42I wish you wouldn't lie there looking criminally attractive when I'm reading a pattern for a story.
01:50Right, well, I can't stay here all day.
01:56Now, it's absolutely essential that everything should go smoothly.
02:02We're very fortunate to have today's speaker.
02:05Who is this?
02:05The Commodore is an internationally famous round-the-world yachtsman.
02:10They say he drinks.
02:13They say who drinks?
02:15The Commodore.
02:16Where did you hear this?
02:18At the time of all that scandal that led to his divorce.
02:22Oh, yes. Apparently he does like the ladies.
02:26Well, you know what sailors are.
02:29Not personally, no.
02:32Well, I'm afraid it's probably a bit late to begin remedying that.
02:39Should be all right.
02:41As long as we keep him away from the brandy.
02:43And our members.
02:46Anyway, I suspect it's all been grossly exaggerated.
02:48You know what the papers are.
02:51Now, we need a volunteer to...
02:56Come back in, woman.
03:06Goodness me, not even a quorum.
03:09How very fortunate I dropped in.
03:23And that's Sheridan in his scout uniform.
03:28He made his mummy a lovely fire in the garden.
03:33Single-handedly, and with one match,
03:35he completely destroyed the potting shed.
03:41Now, well, of course, I'd love to stay here all day.
03:45But I do have to find a volunteer
03:47to collect today's speaker from the station.
03:49Hmm?
03:51Look now further, Miss Wilkinson.
03:54I shall attend to the Commodore personally.
03:57Oh, no, no, no, no.
03:58I'm sure we needn't bother you, Mrs. Buck.
04:02Okay.
04:02Leave it to me.
04:05I shall take the Commodore under my wing.
04:10My husband and I go boating occasionally.
04:14It'll be very comforting for the Commodore
04:17to meet with his own kind.
04:22And God bless all who sail in her.
04:36Good morning, Elizabeth.
04:41Morning, Hassan.
04:43Shall you be with us at the ladies' luncheon today?
04:46Oh, yes.
04:48I'm looking forward to the speaker.
04:50I've just come from there now.
04:52I wanted to make quite sure
04:54that all the arrangements were proceeding satisfactorily.
04:58I thought the committee did that.
05:02Good heavens, no.
05:05One can't leave that sort of thing to committees.
05:09No, they need my influential input.
05:23I'm off to work, then.
05:30Don't disturb yourselves.
05:38It's only me, off to another day's grinding labor.
05:50Selling jewelry door to door.
05:54Struggling to make a living.
06:01I'm going, then.
06:06Logging a sample case
06:07on hard streets
06:09in high heels.
06:12Don't wear high heels.
06:15Well, all I've got's high heels.
06:17What I really need is transport.
06:21If I had transport,
06:24a driver to run me round,
06:26I could dramatically increase
06:29the range of my earning power.
06:32What about one of your boyfriends?
06:35All they want to do is mess about.
06:38I'm a working girl.
06:41I haven't time for messing about.
06:44I remember when we used to mess about.
06:50I'll get the cure.
07:00When we bring the Commodore here
07:03for a sherry on the way to the luncheon,
07:05I shall use our golden galleon glasses.
07:08The ones we were given
07:10when we were invited
07:11on board the Mary Rose.
07:14We didn't go on board.
07:17We bought tickets
07:19to see what's left of the hull.
07:22Don't be pedantic, Richard.
07:25Anyway,
07:26that's where we acquired
07:28the golden galleon glasses.
07:30At the Mary Rose.
07:32Actually, we bought them
07:33in a charity car boot, sir,
07:35around the back of Portsmouth Gasway.
07:42The Commodore won't know that, dear.
07:48Don't forget, Richard,
07:51if there's a lull in the conversation,
07:53you can show him
07:54our boating pictures.
07:56Oh, Piosynthe.
07:58One afternoon,
07:59we went on the river
08:01and you fell in.
08:03Oh, Piosynthe.
08:05Why are you bringing him here at all?
08:08To give the man
08:09a little convivial hospitality
08:11prior to the official luncheons.
08:14Oh, I ought to invite
08:15a few friends in
08:17to meet the celebrated
08:18old sea dog.
08:37Oh, I ought to invite the cave
08:41it's never been going to see.
08:45Coffee in ten minutes, Emmet. Bring Elizabeth. You must both come and hear my very important plans for the Commodore.
09:02Shall we put a few flags out?
09:08Don't naval personnel like a few flags?
09:15Have we got any flags?
09:18We have a Chinese one, dear.
09:22Remember we used it when I sang a little something from the King and I?
09:30Wasn't that Siam?
09:32Well, we didn't have a Siamese flag, did we?
09:36I felt Chinese was close enough. What was the number I sang now? How did it go?
09:45Oh, I remember!
09:48Hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep.
10:00Talk about Siamese!
10:09That was South Pacific.
10:16For the Commodore, I'm not sure that the Chinese flag strikes quite the right note.
10:24It's not the only thing that doesn't strike the right note.
10:29And you must remember some sea stories, Richard.
10:32Why should I know any sea stories?
10:35Richard, you are British and the sea is in your blood.
10:39A biscuit.
10:41Oh, thank you.
10:44Oh! No doily!
10:59Now, what do you think would make the Commodore feel really at home?
11:04I know!
11:06Emmet, you can play!
11:09And we'll all sing sea shanties!
11:17Melissa!
11:24I really am terribly sorry, Harsin.
11:27Now, please think no more about it, Emmet.
11:30These accidents will happen.
11:33And always with my China.
11:38I'm not usually that clumsy.
11:41The only thing that matters is that you've not ruined your musician's hands.
11:49Just my rug.
11:52Anyway, I'm sure the stain will come out.
11:56Eventually.
12:04What are you laughing at?
12:07Now you know how it feels.
12:09She's got to.
12:11You'll never be able to lift a coffee cup in that house again.
12:16Nonsense!
12:18She just caught me with that sea shanty bit, that's all.
12:23I used to think that a bad marriage was the worst thing that happened to me.
12:27But you can divorce wives.
12:30Whereas there's no cure whatsoever for a singing neighbour.
12:38Now, listen carefully, dear.
12:40Message imminent.
12:42I shall be in there with the Commodore having our first sherry.
12:48You can wait out here, soaking up the atmosphere.
12:54As I give the toast, the Royal Navy,
12:58you will hear the chink of glass as our golden galleons meet.
13:04That's quite likely, considering how cheap they were.
13:07Richard, don't spoil everything, dear.
13:11Then, I shall give this bell a delicate tinkle.
13:18And you will move to the door here.
13:22And begin to sing.
13:27Sing.
13:28Yes, dear, sing.
13:29Hearts of oak are our ships.
13:32Hearts of oak are our men.
13:35I want to hear it now, Richard.
13:37Steady, boy, steady.
13:43Steady, boy, steady.
13:45Steady, boy, steady, Richard.
13:47Steady, boy, steady.
13:52No, dear, with feeling.
13:55We want to make the Commodore feel quite at home.
13:59And you has been all at sea.
14:06I'll try that one why that one well you've got to start somewhere
14:25if I did this one and you did one over there we'd be finished much quicker it's
14:31amazing how quickly the sheer inconvenience of work comes back to me you
14:39got dog ass all over your car I don't know whether to ring the bell just stand
14:46there panting
15:03what is it jewelry
15:18I found the station Richard and the train from rugby arrives at 11 38 why rugby because that's where the
15:28Commodore lives funny place for a sailor I shouldn't be surprised Richard if after this
15:36we don't end up as permanent friends we don't have to be friends we're married
15:45I don't mean us dear I mean the Commodore and ourselves oh
15:50oh what a crew for one of my candlelight suppers I better answer that dear maybe someone important
16:05the became it's the chair lady from our ladies luncheon club oh yes everything's ship shape what
16:23do I know about sailors well they travel about on ships dance the horn pipe tie knots in things
16:35well yes I know that sailors have a certain reputation when it comes to
16:40you know that sailors well thank you for warning me if I need advice I know a person called Rose
16:53who
16:53I'm sure is a fount of information goodbye
17:03she was phoning me to warn me about the Commodore apparently he likes the ladies
17:12funny way to show it spending your life at sea they obviously see me as someone who might
17:19easily turn the head of a romantic sailor come along Richard dear don't just sit there we mustn't be late
17:33wait for the Commodore
17:50where's the press if they send a photographer it'll be to the luncheon not the station well I think that
18:00shows a singular lack of initiative don't they realize that the Commodore could be swamped by eager ladies
18:09I'll park the car oh park it here dear no I can't this is just for unloading oh that doesn't
18:16apply to
18:16celebrities then I'll have to stay with the car I shall go and tell the station master that we're
18:24here to meet a VIP come along
18:33come on
18:34come on dear
18:50Richard look look at what nothing absolutely nothing this can't be the platform this is the platform
19:04housing I checked the indicator board as we passed then where's the red carpet
19:11why would there be a red carpet for a man who's sales single-handed round something there ought to
19:19be a red carpet get me the station master do we really need the station master to the station master
19:34I'm sorry madam but the red carpet is reserved for royalty what all of it I mean couldn't you turn
19:42it over and use the other side
19:46I'm afraid that would be against regulations madam well I think that's appalling when single-handedly this man has sailed
19:54round something
19:56the horn
19:57the horn
20:00the horn
20:00good idea Richard
20:03have you got a horn
20:08I beg you pardon
20:09if we can't have the red carpet could you blow your horn
20:17no
20:18the commodore
20:19the commodore sailed round the horn
20:21single-handed
20:22there you are you see
20:24round the horn
20:26single-handed
20:27and he has to come here to an unmarked platform
20:35haven't you got a band
20:37no madam
20:40can't you even find a porter who can play the mouth organ
20:49unbelievable
20:51the vast resources of British Rail and they can't even provide a band
21:00where is this horn thing anyway
21:02extreme tip of South America
21:04sailor's nightmare
21:06sailor's nightmare
21:07blows down there
21:08well of course it blows
21:10it's a horn
21:15here's the train now
21:23do we know what he looks like
21:25hmm
21:27I fancy I can recognise an old sea dog when I see one
21:34ah
21:35come along Richard
21:41commodore
21:42everything ship-shape I hope
21:45bright and bristol fashion
21:47have you brought your horn
21:48horn?
21:50you seem to be labouring under some misapprehension madam
21:54obviously the shy type
21:56see how much we have in common
21:58commodore
21:59commodore
22:00first we tie up for a little light refreshment
22:04and then the ladies are waiting
22:06I am not a commodore
22:08is she mad?
22:10she's my wife
22:12you have my deepest sympathy
22:17how dare he wear a beard like that
22:20masquerading as naval personnel
22:24but how are we going to find the commodore in this lot?
22:28leave that to me dear
22:29leave that to me dear
22:32oh
22:34Shenandoah
22:35I love your daughter
22:37oh
22:40way
22:42you
22:54there's a lot of time to look up for tea
22:56yes I'm sure we have
22:57yes I'm sure we have
22:59he's bound to be on the next one
23:01what time's it due?
23:0412.18
23:04that clock must have stopped
23:06attention please
23:09British Rail regret to announce
23:11due to a landslip affecting the embankment between Middleton and here.
23:15Trains will be terminated at Middleton until further notice.
23:19The first train to be affected will be the 1218th from Rugby.
23:24Oh, no!
23:27Poor Commodore, lost in a landslip.
23:31Very pity. We'd better go home.
23:34Richard, I will not leave the Commodore without a lifeboat.
23:38We shall drive to Middleton and rescue him. Come along.
23:49Oh, no!
23:53What an impertinence. Take it off, dear.
23:57I can't take it off.
24:01Really, Richard. I wonder if your heart's fully set on this expedition.
24:07I'll tell you what's set.
24:09My teeth are set.
24:13Oh, look! There's the vicar.
24:17There are times, Richard,
24:19when there is a destiny that shapes our ends.
24:22Tell Willie to keep off the sherry.
24:32Oh, my God!
24:36Oh, my God! Morning, Mrs. Bouquet.
24:38A miracle!
24:40Yes, isn't it? How you keep popping up.
24:44I've been clamped. Typical.
24:47Of all the choices,
24:50Richard is the one that gets clamped.
24:53You must drive us to Middleton.
24:55I'll explain on the way.
24:57In you go, dear.
24:58Middleton?
24:59Hmm.
25:01I hadn't planned on going to Middleton.
25:04I don't think she's listening.
25:06Take the low road.
25:08I shall relay the convolutions of the Commodore's confusions
25:12as we go along.
25:19So there you have it, vicar.
25:22Mind the pedestrian.
25:24Which pedestrian?
25:25Where?
25:26On the pavement.
25:29Isn't that where he's supposed to be?
25:31Oh, too late now. He's gone.
25:35Lucky you've missed him.
25:46Bad luck being clamped.
25:48Swear if you want to.
25:50Under your breath, of course.
25:52Thanks. I already have.
25:54So have I.
26:02Excuse me!
26:03Have you seen a Commodore?
26:05Is that a type of butterfly?
26:14What have you done with him?
26:17Done with who?
26:18The Commodore!
26:20The one that's coming from rugby!
26:23I haven't seen no Commodores.
26:25I haven't seen any Commodores.
26:28Well, that makes two of us that hasn't seen him.
26:31You've lost him.
26:33Really?
26:34How careless.
26:36I hope they don't transfer you to their Red Star service.
26:49I'm sorry you're having all these problems, Mrs. Bucket.
26:53Okay.
26:54Where would you like me to drop you off?
26:56Well, it would be wonderful if you could take me to the Manor House function rooms.
27:01That's on the other side of town.
27:03Oh, good.
27:04You'd know it.
27:05Oh, that saves me giving you directions.
27:10And if you could drop me at the station on the way, because I must do something about my car.
27:15Oh, yes, of course.
27:18It'll be a pleasure.
27:27Would you mind just waiting a moment, Vicar?
27:29I only have to tell them about the Commodore.
27:32And then, if you'd be so kind, I should be very grateful if you'd just drop me off at home.
27:39But that means going right to the other...
27:40Well, it must be on your way back to the Vicarage.
27:50Who are you off?
27:52Hmm?
27:52Wasn't he good?
27:54Very entertaining.
27:56Who?
27:56The Commodore.
27:58What a good speaker.
28:00The Commodore?
28:01Yes.
28:02You mean he's arrived?
28:03Oh, he was awfully good.
28:06And he's so much in demand.
28:08We were lucky he could fit us in.
28:11Oh, yes.
28:11He was in Cheltenham last night.
28:13Cheltenham?
28:14Yes.
28:15Dashed up here on the train from there this morning.
28:18From Cheltenham?
28:20Yes.
28:22Oh, that sounds as if it's all over.
28:25He'll probably be dashing off back to the station.
28:30Thank you once in a while.
28:33It was splendid of you to give us your time, especially when you're so busy.
28:39Pleasure, I assure you.
28:41It's nice to meet such a lot of splendid ladies.
28:46Oh, thank you.
28:48Oh, there you are, Mrs Bucket.
28:51We wondered what had happened to you.
28:53Well, this is the lady who was supposed to pick you up at the station.
28:58She volunteered to do so.
29:01Did she?
29:02Bless her.
29:03Well, all the nice girls love a sailor.
29:07Aye, aye, Commodore.
29:09Was there some problem?
29:11Problem?
29:12No, no, not really.
29:13I, uh, I, uh, I may have been waiting on the wrong platform.
29:19Oh, look, Michael.
29:21And now, when are we going to get a taxi back to the station?
29:24Oh, I'll phone for one right away.
29:26No need for that.
29:27I have a car standing by.
29:30Really?
29:31Oh, that's very kind of you.
29:33Um, thank you for the lunch.
29:36No, thank you.
29:44Come along, my dear.
29:46Lead on.
29:54Vicar, this is the Commodore.
29:57There was a slight mix-up earlier.
29:59He now needs to get to the station in order to catch his train.
30:04I told him I'm sure you would oblige.
30:07The station?
30:09That's right.
30:10Thank you, Vicar.
30:20Oh, that's good.
30:21Oh, that's good.
30:43I must say, you're a fine-looking frigate to come alongside.
30:50Yes, a well-built, solid-looking craft.
30:57Maybe, uh, a bit of green, corky chair, man.
31:06Please, Commodore.
31:08All in good time. Don't rush me, my dear.
31:16Very, very, very warm, in fact.
31:21Are you all right, Mrs. Bookay?
31:23I'll say she is. Smashing bit of all right.
31:27I wouldn't mind being shipwrecked with you, my darling.
31:32You want me to stop the car for you, Mrs. Bookay?
31:34Can't do that. I'll miss the train, bigger.
31:38Just think of it. The Tropic Nights. A huge boom.
31:43But I'm a married woman.
31:47Doesn't worry me, old girl.
31:50Give us a kiss.
31:51Oh, yeah!
31:55Keep training, Vicka!
31:59Keep training, Vicka!
32:30Hello, welcome to England.
32:34Hello, welcome to England.
32:37Hello, welcome to England.
32:46It's much more than fish and chips.
32:47We've got chicks with the tits and the big filled lips.
32:49Ballied up kids and the RS6.
32:51Big two fiddies, small fiddies with a kick.
32:53Eyes with more grips that'll creep in your crib.
32:55I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
32:56Take the cash down, get into the whip.
32:58Leeds roll racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton.
33:00Weed rolls amazing, Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
33:01Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
33:03Fuck no, let's talk to the police.
33:04Yeah, it's gunning me.