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00:02A single gal spends most of her life searching for the perfect male.
00:18And out of the blue, it arrives.
00:23Alexander Petrovsky was a rather famous artist, with whom I'd had one rather infamous date.
00:28It's been three whole weeks. I thought you'd died or something.
00:31I did die from rejection. How could you have left me on the street all alone? It still hurts.
00:39You'll get over it. You're a big boy.
00:41I've already got this information. I was in Holland for work.
00:46I was in Holland. Listen to you.
00:48Did I?
00:50To the land of the wooden shoes? No. No, no, no.
00:55I brought you a little present. Let's see.
01:03Milk chocolate.
01:06Or perhaps you like dark. I'll get right here.
01:10You don't have a mouse trap in there, do you?
01:12No. Why would I?
01:14I was being silly. You know, in the cartoons, when they put their hands into things.
01:22Okay.
01:26Et voilà. Light or dark?
01:44Second only to the search for the perfect male is the search for the perfect fragrance.
01:48Am I peppermint musk?
01:51Oh, no.
01:51Ladies, I'm taking a lover.
01:55Yes, a lover.
01:58Alexander Petrovsky.
01:59Wait, the old guy?
02:00I beg your pardon.
02:03My lover is not old.
02:05He is worldly and wise and very sexy.
02:09He is sexy.
02:10Very.
02:11Yesterday, I almost did it with him on a park bench in front of children.
02:15What stopped you?
02:16Common decency.
02:17Not bad.
02:17Well, that and the fact that I'm not lover ready.
02:20I need a little bikini waxage.
02:22Well, then snap to it.
02:23Don't play hard to get with a man who's hard to get.
02:26Maybe cucumber basil.
02:27Why would you want to smell like a salad?
02:29I can't decide what I am.
02:30What do you mean, not old?
02:32Charlotte emailed me his photo.
02:34Hello, Sixty.
02:35He is in his lover perfect early fifties.
02:39That's a good age.
02:40They've been around the block and know how to use their cock.
02:42Oh, you're right now.
02:43And where did you get his picture?
02:44I Googled him.
02:45I wanted Miranda to see your potential new boyfriend.
02:47Not boyfriend.
02:49Lover.
02:49How long are you going to keep saying it like that?
02:51Uncomfortable with my taking a lover?
02:54Maybe he could be more than a lover.
02:56Oh, jeez.
02:58Ah, no.
02:58The only place this is going is Lovaville.
03:00Well, I could see it going somewhere.
03:02Oh, please.
03:03Listen.
03:03Half the time, I can't even understand him.
03:06We have nothing in common.
03:07He's in and out of Europe.
03:08That could be good.
03:09Honey, you're not listening.
03:10She only wants him to be in and out of her.
03:12Y-yes, but in a much less obvious sounding way.
03:15How about pomegranate patchouli?
03:20No, you need something classic.
03:21Clean.
03:22With just a hint of neurosis.
03:25How about you?
03:26Are you finding anything?
03:28I don't know.
03:28I'm trying to figure out what Steve might like.
03:31Just get some Old Spice and call it a day.
03:33Steve does not wear Old Spice.
03:35He wears nothing and he smells great.
03:37Oh, Miranda and Steve sitting in a tree.
03:41K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
03:43First comes, well, actually, first comes baby.
03:46Oh, great.
03:48Now I have to spend the rest of the day smelling like apples and hay.
03:51Oh, you bastard.
03:53Okay, let's go.
03:54Aren't you going to get something for your new lover?
03:56I suspect he already likes the way I smell.
04:05Hey.
04:06How lucky are we?
04:08Barry.
04:10If Miranda and Steve had a fragrance, it would be called perfection.
04:23If Miranda, Steve and Robert, her ex and neighbor had a fragrance, it would be called less than perfection.
04:29In fact, awful, uncomfortable and terrible.
04:32Hi.
04:33Well, if it isn't the happy couple.
04:41How are you today?
04:47I'll have a nice day.
04:54So the doctor said that Harry and I have to wait at least two months before we can even try
04:58to get pregnant again.
04:59And I'd like to go back to work.
05:00But then if I do get pregnant, that's not really fair to the new employer.
05:03So I...
05:03I'm sleeping and walking, sleeping and walking.
05:06How am I doing that?
05:07That's rude.
05:08This is important to me.
05:09I know it's important to you.
05:10You know it's important to you.
05:11The homeless guy in the corner of 57th and 7th knows it's important to you.
05:14Can we please talk about something else?
05:16Look at that squirrel!
05:17I'll give you $100 if you say something bitchy about someone we know.
05:20No!
05:21I'm trying to figure out my next direction and I need to talk about it.
05:24Fine.
05:24Talk to my ears, Bleed.
05:26But do yourself a favor and stop for a minute and look at the light.
05:29You mean the fact that no matter what happens with the baby, Harry and I will always have each other?
05:34No!
05:34Char!
05:35The friggin' light over there in the park!
05:38When did it become fall?
05:40Somewhere between your ovaries and my boredom.
05:46Imagine being blind and not being able to see a beautiful day like today.
05:50Can you think of anything worse?
05:52Stonewashed jeans with a matching jacket.
05:56Maybe I should stop thinking so much about myself and volunteer for the blind or something.
06:00That would be a nice thing to do.
06:02Very Jackie O.
06:03Whew!
06:05Okay, let me begin.
06:07Can I ask you a question?
06:09Yes, it will hurt a little.
06:10Oh no, that's not the question.
06:12Are you Russian?
06:14Yes.
06:15See?
06:16You are the little.
06:18Yes.
06:19I was wondering, how do you say hello in Russian?
06:23Здравствуйте.
06:24Здравствуйте.
06:27And how do you say thank you?
06:31Спасибо.
06:34Are you welcome?
06:37The only thing more uncomfortable than a bikini wax is an elevator ride with an ex.
06:43Luckily, Miranda had figured out a way to avoid that.
06:46Unfortunately, Robert had also.
06:48Robert.
06:49Hi.
06:52Okay, I guess I deserved that.
06:54Robert!
06:55I'm sorry.
06:57I never meant to hurt you.
06:58Steve and I just fell back in love.
07:00Oh.
07:02And so what was that?
07:03Your little halftime show?
07:04What?
07:05Not at all.
07:07I never thought that Steve and I would get back together or I never would have started up with you.
07:11I hope you understand that.
07:14Well, I'll try.
07:15And I hope you understand when you get my bill.
07:18Your bill?
07:19Yeah, my bill.
07:20For services rendered.
07:22You know, my stud fee.
07:23Robert, come on.
07:25No, no, no, no, no.
07:25Hey, hey, it's cold.
07:27I got your scene.
07:28You're a busy working mother.
07:29Too tired to go out and eat, call Hoonay in Kitchen.
07:31Too tired to go out and fuck, call Robert.
07:33That's not true.
07:34Sure it is.
07:35Fast food, fast fuck.
07:36You were not a fast fuck.
07:38No, you're right.
07:39I wasn't.
07:39I was slow.
07:40Nice and slow.
07:41Just the way you liked it.
07:44Robert.
07:47Yes.
07:48Robert.
07:49Oh, God.
07:50Robert.
07:53No man has ever been in this deep.
08:00Hey, what are you doing back?
08:02I gave Robert custody of the elevator.
08:04What?
08:05We're moving my stuff in here next week and you gave him the elevator?
08:08You're lucky I didn't give him Brady.
08:09I bumped into him on the stairs.
08:11How bad was it?
08:12Hug me.
08:15Oh.
08:16It's that bad, huh?
08:17Oh.
08:18So, we can't ever use the elevator?
08:21Not between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m.
08:23We have a baby in a stroller.
08:24I know.
08:25Why?
08:25Why?
08:26Why did I have to shit where I eat?
08:28Look, he's just upset.
08:29It'll blow over.
08:30I don't think so, Steve.
08:31The man is crazy in love with me and now he's acting out.
08:34Talking about how I said no man's ever been in me that deep.
08:38What?
08:40Nothing.
08:41Steve.
08:42Nothing.
08:43Fine.
08:47Wednesday night, after dinner, I took the express elevator to Lovaville.
08:52Spasiba.
08:54Oh, you speak Russian very well.
08:56Spasiba.
08:57Is that the only word you know?
08:59Stravuzze.
08:59Yes.
09:01That is the only word you know.
09:06There's my studio.
09:07And here's my house.
09:11You have the entire floor?
09:13Not at first, but over the years.
09:28Spasiba.
09:28Spasiba.
09:32Spasiba.
09:35This used to be some kind of sewing factory, a sweatshop in the 1920s.
09:40That's a lovely story.
09:48Hmm.
09:50Very nice.
09:50If you like that whole window sky thing.
09:53Yes.
09:54It's lovely life in the morning.
10:01Study.
10:02And kitchen.
10:05Like some fruit or martini or something.
10:07Why don't you show me upstairs?
10:25odyssey.
10:25Do you care?
10:27Do you have the same thing?
10:29I can't say there's only room in the woods.
10:29I can't see you wherever you are.
10:29Do you have to go upstairs?
10:34The door is really natural.
10:35I can't see you.
10:35Do you have to go upstairs?
10:36The door is tricky.
10:36But I discovered I spoke Lover very well.
10:57Turns out I'd found a sweet bed and breakfast in Loverville.
11:06How are you?
11:10Good morning.
11:12Um...
11:13Morning. Come, come, sit.
11:22In the light of day, everything looked completely different.
11:26Would you like some coffee?
11:28What kind?
11:30Um, regular?
11:32Regular coffee is for regular people.
11:34Oh, yes.
11:35You are, no, regular.
11:40I'm not in the way.
11:42Why, why?
11:47Spillette, Padma, Lee.
11:49Hey, everybody.
11:50This is scary.
11:53It's my stuff.
11:54Without them, I'll be sitting on the street with a sign.
11:57I'll do art for food.
11:58Speaking of food...
12:01Pancakes for a little.
12:04You're hungry.
12:06Are you gonna eat?
12:08No, I'm done.
12:09Um, I'm off to Amsterdam, remember?
12:11Oh, yeah.
12:14Maybe before I leave, I'll have one more little bite.
12:19Wow.
12:21The car won't wait for forever.
12:23Yes, yes.
12:23I'll go right now.
12:24Passport, portefeuille.
12:26Good.
12:27Now, be polite with Mr. Grolsch.
12:32There I was having pancakes at IHOP, the international house of Petrovsky.
12:38And they just went on about their business totally unfazed.
12:42Oh, honey, they've seen it all.
12:43And you gotta give it to him.
12:45Making pancakes for pussy?
12:47That's a classy touch.
12:49What?
12:50You don't think you're the first baby battered up for?
12:52No, no, no, you're right.
12:55You're right.
12:55The whole thing was so choreographed.
12:57No, no, he knew exactly what he was doing.
13:00Oh, sounds good to me.
13:01I miss a man with the moves.
13:02So, Smith knew moves?
13:04No, he has them.
13:05Most of them I've given him, but he has them.
13:07Truth time?
13:08I'm a little jealous.
13:10Of what?
13:10My Grand Slam breakfast?
13:12You've got yourself a man, a real power player.
13:14Someone who takes charge, drags you to the bed, has his way with you,
13:18doesn't have to ask what you want, and fucks you and fucks you.
13:20We're not talking about me anymore, are we?
13:22No.
13:23I mean, Smith, he's hot, but he's a baby.
13:26He's almost 30.
13:28Still, I swear, sometimes I don't know whether to blow him or burp him.
13:31I need a grown up.
13:33So, uh, how were they?
13:35The pancakes?
13:36Delicious.
13:37Exactly what I wanted.
13:38I couldn't get enough.
13:38No, I was referring to the moves.
13:40Oh, delicious.
13:41Exactly what I wanted.
13:42I couldn't get enough.
13:43Good for you.
13:46So, how many pancakes do you think that kitchen is seeing?
13:49Does it matter?
13:49In the cold, harsh reality of daylight, I knew it didn't matter.
13:55But in the colder, harsher reality of a woman who just slept with someone she likes, it did.
14:01Google.com showed many, many listings on the art of Alexander Petrovsky.
14:07And one on his many, many women.
14:19According to certain scientists, whenever a woman has sex, her body produces a chemical which causes her to emotionally attach.
14:27This chemical may also account for the series of terrifying questions that involuntarily pop into our minds after just one
14:35casual tryst.
14:37Questions like, does he like me?
14:39Will he call again?
14:41And the classic, where is this all going?
14:44When it comes to men, even when we try to keep it light, how do we wind up in the
14:51dark?
14:54Hey, I got this invite to a party.
14:58Teen Posse Storm.
15:00Top 30 under 30. I'm one of them.
15:03Ah.
15:04Wanna go?
15:05Teen Posse and me? No. And no.
15:08Well, my agent and my manager really want me to go.
15:11At least look at the invite and tell me how lame it is.
15:13The party may have been all wrong, but it was being hosted by Richard Wright.
15:18What? Lame ass?
15:20No. Not so lame ass. Richard Wright is a big name in the hotel business. He brings a certain... something.
15:29And it was exactly the certain something that Samantha was missing.
15:32You should go. In fact, I'll go with you. What the hell.
15:37Cool.
15:44And I'm not really allowed to try and get pregnant again for another two months.
15:47So you said.
15:48And I thought I have all this time on my hands to volunteer.
15:51Okay. Working as a guide for a visually impaired person is a serious undertaking.
15:56We suggest all our potential volunteers go to a public place like a park or a department store with a
16:00friend
16:00and let him or her lead you around blindfolded.
16:04Blindfolded?
16:04Yeah. Try not to take the blindfold off, no matter how uncomfortable you feel,
16:08and you'll begin to get a sense of what it's like not to be able to rely on your sight.
16:12Okay. Bye.
16:16I mean, where can this possibly go?
16:18I thought you didn't want it to go anywhere.
16:20Well, that was before I slept with him.
16:21Nah, I'm not so sure.
16:22Interesting.
16:23No, ridiculous.
16:24And according to my new best friend, Google.com.
16:26You Googled him.
16:27The man has dated every woman in New York from 1977 until...
16:32Oh, until last Wednesday.
16:33And who knows how many pancakes he's making for other ridiculous women around the world.
16:37Oh, my God. Listen to me. And I've only slept with him once.
16:40Okay. Let's get blind.
16:42So, once I put this over my eyes, I can't take it off. I need you to guide me.
16:47I'm there.
16:48This is embarrassing.
16:49No, no. Thinking you can take a lover is embarrassing.
16:52This is helping people.
16:56How's my hair?
16:58Oh.
17:01Oh. That's a European code. It's him. Should I answer it?
17:04Okay.
17:06Hello?
17:07Gary. It's Alex.
17:08Hi. How's Amsterdam?
17:11It's very Dutch.
17:12What? Oh. I can't hear you.
17:15Oh, you know what? I need better reception. I'm gonna go right over there. Don't go away.
17:18Okay.
17:19Hi.
17:20Oh. I'm sorry.
17:23Oh.
17:26Tomorrow night?
17:27About 9, yes?
17:28Yes.
17:29This is an impossible connection.
17:30What?
17:31The reception is prepared.
17:33Bad reception, yes.
17:34Tomorrow?
17:35Are you free?
17:36Yes. I'm free.
17:37Sorry. I can't quite hear you.
17:38I'm free.
17:40Alright then. Tomorrow about 9?
17:41Yes. I will be there.
17:43Gary? Gary?
17:44Hello?
17:46Hello?
17:54Sweetie?
17:56Would you like to sample Lumiere?
18:01Do you need some assistance?
18:02Oh, no, thank you. I'm trying to help the blind. I just got separated from my friend, but I'm sure
18:06she'll find me.
18:07Lumiere?
18:08Oh, no. Dad. Dad. Dad.
18:13Don't move me. Sorry.
18:14Sorry.
18:19And there, in the dark, Charlotte realized she had no idea where she was going, in Barney's or in life.
18:26But sometimes, even if you're not sure of your direction, you can find your way to something wonderful.
18:32You know, they have these over there in the...
18:35I swear, I looked, and looked, and then I thought, best if she finds me. I'm eating him tomorrow. Cute,
18:42huh?
18:43Oh, yeah.
18:45Okay.
18:46Okay.
18:47Is he coming down?
18:49Let's just go to the front of the line, like I suggested.
18:51I don't like pushing in front of people.
18:53Oh, grow up.
18:58Smith Jarrett. We're on the list.
19:00Oh, my God. Awesome.
19:02Love your hair.
19:04Let me just check you off.
19:06And you are?
19:07Samantha Jones.
19:10Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?
19:14Are you going up to me first, man?
19:16What's up with that?
19:17Um, dude.
19:19He's with me.
19:23I'm sorry. Richard Wright.
19:25Smith Jarrett.
19:26Let's get some drinks, shall we?
19:29Eddie, take me trickle.
19:33So, how long you been babysitting?
19:35Said the man hosting the teen posse party.
19:38Don't rub it in. The hotels have to stay hip.
19:40So I have to bend over backwards.
19:42Tongue with taints of these trendy little piss-hands.
19:44Well, you look good.
19:46That's because I'm looking at you, gorgeous.
19:49Two more scotch rocks.
19:53What's up?
19:54Can I get you a scotch?
19:55No, that's what I'm in here.
19:57You kids today.
19:59So, how do you two know each other?
20:01We used to go out.
20:03And then I fucked it up royally and lost the best thing I ever had.
20:06Oh my god, it's Smithy.
20:07You have to come.
20:08Pauly is snotting pretzels out of his nose.
20:11You have to come.
20:12You have to come.
20:12It's fucking hilarious.
20:13Come on.
20:13Pauly!
20:16Pauly is snotting pretzels out of his nose.
20:19Fuck you.
20:24Okay, this is the last load.
20:27For a guy with no stuff, you got stuff.
20:29Let's get the TV first.
20:32What the fuck?!
20:35That wasn't like that when we moved it in here.
20:37Oh my god!
20:39Robert!
20:39What?
20:40Nah, you think?
20:42Um, hello?
20:43He's mad.
20:44Your name is on the boxes.
20:45He lives in the building.
20:46Nah, that doesn't seem like him.
20:48I must have bumped it or something.
20:50Steve, he's crazy in love with me.
20:53You didn't see how angry he was on the stairs.
20:55Okay, this is bullshit.
20:57I'm not gonna live like this.
20:58What are you gonna do?
21:00I'm gonna take care of things.
21:01Be kind.
21:02He's still in love with me.
21:14Steve?
21:15Look, I need to talk to you about this whole Miranda thing.
21:19What about it?
21:23I'll be right back, baby.
21:28Turns out, Petrovsky wasn't the only one with an international house.
21:32Ah.
21:35We're sorry.
21:37She's sorry.
21:38I'm sorry.
21:39We're sorry.
21:41I appreciate that.
21:52What happened?
21:54Let's just put it this way.
21:56He won't be bothering us again.
21:58Was he very upset?
21:59Oh, my God.
22:07When it came to Robert, Steve thought it was kinder to leave Miranda in the dark.
22:16Got on.
22:18I hate him.
22:20It's not going to go.
22:23I'm sorry.
22:24I'm sorry.
22:27You MS.
22:28I hate to walk with him.
22:35I never had it too far before he was shot.
22:39So calm up and there were crucking bright rug on.
22:44Hey, where are you going, babe?
22:46Richard wanted to show me one of his remodeled suites.
22:49Cool. Can I come?
22:52No. No, Smith, you can't come.
22:56Look, this was fun, but where is it going?
22:59Gorgeous.
23:04You go play with your friends, and I'll go play with mine.
23:13Samantha.
23:20Two years ago, I was on top of the fucking world.
23:23I'm hosting a bullshit beer badge for a bunch of pinheads with six-pack abs.
23:27This is a world-class hotel.
23:30Fuck it. I've been down this low before.
23:34Richard may have, but Samantha had one.
23:54I just want to make sure you got home safe.
24:00I don't know what's wrong with me.
24:02I hate myself for doing this to you.
24:06Oh, God.
24:08It's okay.
24:10It's okay.
24:17Come on.
24:18Let's get you out of here.
24:20Even in the dark, Smith could still see Samantha.
24:23And for the very first time, she saw him.
24:29Hey.
24:30That's something you'd love to do in my studio.
24:33You're welcome to stay, okay?
24:35Okay.
24:39It was at that moment I realized I wasn't really comfortable in Loverville.
24:48I'm not that kind of Google.
24:58All right.
25:34All right.
25:35Why?
25:36I just wanted to say thank you. I'm going to go.
25:39Okay, then I'll call you tomorrow, all right?
25:45Um, this has been really lovely, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.
25:52I don't understand.
25:56The pancakes and, uh, the other ladies, it's just not for me.
26:04There are pancakes, but no other ladies.
26:07Please.
26:10Well, I have a book with few emergency telephone numbers, yes.
26:16But now I just see you.
26:20It's not about a quick bang.
26:25It's, uh...
26:29It's like you.
26:34Why me?
26:40Why me?
26:45You make a good breakfast.
26:49So what's all this?
26:54It's too soon to tell.
27:06In autumn, New Yorkers treat every nice day as if it could be their last.
27:13I'd have another if you would, what do you say?
27:16You're a bad influence.
27:17I waited and waited.
27:18You said to meet you at the subway.
27:20I was at the subway.
27:21I was at the foot of the stairs.
27:23You was at the subway.
27:24You was in the subway.
27:25Oh, you don't know how to give directions.
27:27I waited and waited.
27:28It's going to be us in 30 years.
27:29Please don't say that.
27:30I'm kidding.
27:31That could never be us.
27:32That already was us, remember?
27:34Yeah, but that was then.
27:36Okay, so for the future, I don't want to become that.
27:39Okay, I don't want you to worry about becoming that.
27:42Okay, I won't.
27:44Anything else we don't want?
27:46Yeah.
27:47I don't want you to pay for these beers.
27:49I'm serious.
27:51Your turn.
27:52Okay.
27:53I don't want to become your mother.
27:56I don't want to slack off like I used to.
27:58I don't want to be so moody.
28:00This is fun.
28:01I don't want to lose you again.
28:03Even if I screw up all the other stuff, that's the one that matters.
28:08I don't want to lose you either.
28:12Will you marry me?
28:17Are you serious?
28:20Are you serious?
28:21Yes.
28:22Will you?
28:24Hell yeah.
28:26Some couples have to say their I don'ts before they can ever imagine saying their I do's.
28:3780 blocks and a world away, I was enjoying a different kind of happy hour at Alexander Petrovsky's.
28:44That's pretty.
28:45What is that?
28:50Oh, there it is.
29:00This little tune I made up for you.
29:03What?
29:04No, you didn't.
29:05Yes, I did.
29:26That is the cheesiest thing I have ever heard in my life.
29:31I know.
29:31I can't even look at you all right now.
29:34I'm so embarrassed.
29:35Well, it all sounds very old world to me.
29:37Very 18th century Russia.
29:39Yes, and I live in New York City circa now.
29:41I think it's romantic if someone offers me a seat on the subway.
29:44That is romantic.
29:46We are just starved for real romance.
29:48And that is the sad truth.
29:50I'm not starved.
29:51Smith is in L.A. for the week.
29:52And he calls me every night before he goes to sleep.
29:54Phone sex doesn't hurt.
29:55Well, I'm drinking a glass of wine while we do it.
29:57I want to hear more about the romance.
29:59What else?
29:59What else did he do?
30:01Well, there was one more thing.
30:04But if I tell you, it will be the ick heard round the world.
30:07It will not.
30:08You know the song that he wrote for me?
30:11Yeah, ick.
30:12Well, it had a name.
30:15La femme avec les yeux lumineux.
30:19The woman with eyes that sparkle.
30:23What's French for ick?
30:25Ick!
30:26And I swear to you, while he was playing it, I floated up out of my body.
30:29And I was on the ceiling looking down at myself thinking, come on.
30:34He was just expressing genuine emotion in an old-fashioned way.
30:38But it's not genuine.
30:39It's pure show.
30:40I can't stand all that artificial hoo-ha.
30:42That's why I proposed to Steve over $3 beers.
30:48You proposed?
30:50You proposed marriage?
30:52Okay, everybody, stop.
30:54It's not a big deal, I am not engaged, I'm not doing the big circus wedding, there will
30:59be no white dress or bridesmaids or posed pictures, I hate all that shit.
31:04Well, that's your choice, every bride has to find her own style.
31:08Well, when is it gonna be?
31:09As soon as I can find some place that doesn't make me hurl.
31:12It's just gonna be a simple, nothing thing.
31:14I don't even care about the wedding.
31:16I just wanna be with Steve.
31:18No, we're ready.
31:19Okay.
31:20This is exactly what I don't want.
31:22No tears.
31:23Oh my god.
31:24I can't believe it.
31:25That's it.
31:26You're all freaking me out.
31:29Samantha, I expected more from you.
31:35He just felt inspired to write her a song and then he played it for her.
31:39Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
31:42Yeah.
31:42Not bad.
31:43I used to play clarinet when I was little.
31:45This is so good, you have to have some.
31:48Doesn't that taste like real butter pecan?
31:51Okay.
31:52If that's what we're playing, sure.
31:53I can pretend this whipped flavored air is the real thing.
31:56Yum.
31:57I mean, it's like something out of a Victorian novel.
31:59People just don't do those things anymore.
32:01Hey, I can be romantic too, you know.
32:03Oh, honey, I know you can.
32:05I think it's romantic that you walk me to Tasty Delight every night.
32:09Don't humor me.
32:10I know how to do romance right.
32:11It's not just for foo-foo foreigners.
32:13In fact, in fact, I'm gonna take you out for a real romantic night on the town.
32:18Mm-hmm.
32:19Whining and dining, baby.
32:20Really?
32:21You bet.
32:22I'm gonna get another lick of that.
32:24Mm.
32:25Uh-huh.
32:26I don't want to make a big entrance.
32:27I don't want everyone staring at me.
32:29And from licking to lugging, I just want it to feel like us.
32:33Like, not like one of those millions of cookie-cutter weddings I've had to suffer through.
32:37How do we do that?
32:38What about one of those boat rides that goes all around the island?
32:41That's different.
32:42We're not boat people.
32:43When have we ever been on a boat together?
32:44Ever.
32:45Okay.
32:46You got a better idea?
32:48Shit!
32:49Ah, shit.
32:51Ah!
32:51This is so us.
32:52We are pathetic.
32:54This gum is, like, super cool.
32:56Look at this.
32:57You see?
32:58We're bag people, not boat people.
33:00We should get married right here in this mess.
33:03I'm gonna have to if I can't get this gum off.
33:07Hey!
33:09That's a nice garden.
33:11Yeah.
33:12It's pretty.
33:14But not corny.
33:16What do you think?
33:18I don't hate it.
33:22The only thing harder than choosing a spot for your wedding when you hate weddings...
33:26What about a guest book?
33:27...is choosing a wedding gift for your friend who hates weddings.
33:30Sweetie, there's gonna be like eight of us there.
33:32There's no one to keep track of.
33:33I can't believe Miranda's getting married.
33:36Is this pretty?
33:37Oh, she'll hate that.
33:37Too domestic.
33:38And too brighty.
33:39Yeah, let's try not to piss her off.
33:41Well, maybe we should just buy her a stapler and wrap it in brown paper and just smear
33:45some dog poo on it.
33:46Do you think she'd be comfortable with that?
33:50Fine, we'll get the dish.
33:53Ladies, I have something to tell you, and you're not going to like it.
33:58If you get married and leave me all alone, I will kill you.
34:01As you know, I have always loved my body just the way it is.
34:04My legs are fantastic.
34:06I have killer abs.
34:07My ass is perfection.
34:08Is this the part we're not gonna like?
34:10But I have decided, after careful consideration, that I might be ready for bigger boobs.
34:16Since when?
34:17Since I had a cold, hard dose of reality.
34:21From this.
34:23Look.
34:24You're in In Touch magazine?
34:25And that's your source of reality?
34:27Yes.
34:28They named Smith Jarrett the number one hot guy to watch.
34:31They followed him all over town for a week.
34:33I'm in half the pictures.
34:34See, there are my boobs on Wednesday.
34:36See how small they are?
34:38There they are again on Thursday.
34:40Teeny tiny.
34:41And there they are having lunch.
34:43You can barely see them.
34:44I should have brought my loop.
34:45I can't believe you would actually consider having a boob job.
34:48I can't believe you went to Planet Hollywood.
34:50You are a confident, intelligent woman.
34:53Why would you want to look like a bimbo?
34:55I wouldn't be getting the watermelon freak show kind.
34:57I'd get something tasteful.
34:59Something like...
35:00Yours.
35:02Yours are good.
35:04Mine?
35:06What's wrong with mine?
35:07Well, they're not bad either.
35:09Let's see.
35:10Okay!
35:10Alright!
35:11Get hers!
35:12No.
35:14A few days later, the rain came.
35:17I listened to you like this poem.
35:19Oh?
35:20And so did the poetry.
35:22So long had life together been, that once the snow began to fall, it seemed unending.
35:28That least the flakes should make her eyelids wince.
35:32I chilled them with my hand.
35:34And they, pretending not to believe the cherishing of ice, would beat against my pound.
35:40Like butterflies.
35:44Yeow!
35:45That is some serious stuff.
35:48Had enough, huh?
35:48No.
35:50No.
35:50It's beautiful.
35:52How about I read you a little bit of my favorite poetry?
35:56Please.
35:59Cocktails at Tiffany's calls for classic charm.
36:03Oscar de la Renta.
36:05Sleeveless silk file, full skirted dress, with black patent leather bow belt.
36:13Now that, is pure poetry.
36:17Oscar is a good friend of mine.
36:18I'll tell him you like the dress.
36:20Oscar?
36:22You, you call him Oscar?
36:24It's his name, isn't it?
36:27So, you feel uncomfortable with the poetry, why is that?
36:32Look, I'm sorry.
36:35Perhaps we were not properly introduced.
36:38I write a column based on the assumption that romance is either dead or just phony.
36:44You think I'm phony?
36:46No.
36:46No, no.
36:47Not at all.
36:48No, I'm the one that feels like a phony.
36:51Frankly, I'm just not used to these grand gestures.
36:56You mean no other man, no one ever read you a little poem or play a little music for you?
37:06Um, no.
37:08No, they have not.
37:10Wow.
37:14Okay.
37:21I'm in over my head.
37:23Where are you?
37:24Shopping for a wedding dress on my lunch hour.
37:25I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says virgin.
37:30I have a child.
37:32The jig is out.
37:33Hey, so, yesterday the Russian read me a Russian poem.
37:38But you know, in English.
37:39Are you just making this stuff up now?
37:41No.
37:42And this might sound crazy, but I don't think it's an act.
37:45I think he actually means it.
37:49That doesn't make it okay.
37:51Has he considered your feelings?
37:53You're right.
37:54He's a selfish pig.
37:55I'm serious.
37:56I think you should tell him that this whole romance thing gives you the ics, turns your
38:00stomach, and that he's dating you, not Anna Karenina.
38:04Okay, I'll tell him that.
38:05I can't tell him that.
38:06And let me ask you something.
38:08If you're so anti-romance, why are you having a wedding at all?
38:12Why not just go down to City Hall and get it over with?
38:15You know, I thought about that, but then I realized I actually do want to say those
38:20vows out loud to Steve in front of the people I care about.
38:24Are you gagging over there?
38:26No, the opposite.
38:28My God, Miranda.
38:29You are my cynical touchstone.
38:32Do you promise to still be cynical even after you're married?
38:34I do.
38:36I've got to go.
38:37There's a big pile of tutus coming at me.
38:40Okay.
38:41We need to have another talk.
38:47One of the great things about living in New York City is that you don't have to sugarcoat
38:51your feelings.
38:52But have New York women settled for a sugar-free existence as well?
38:57We accept tasty delight instead of real ice cream.
39:00Emails instead of love songs.
39:03Jokes instead of poetry.
39:04It's no wonder that when faced with the real thing, we can't stomach it.
39:08Is it something we could learn to digest?
39:11Or have we become romance intolerant?
39:20And then, for the third course, we would like the foie gras, followed by the bouffe bourguignon
39:26with the legume a la creme.
39:28It was Harry's version of a serenade, and Charlotte ate it right up.
39:32And then, the plate from fromage.
39:34The plate or the cart?
39:35We have a lovely cheese cart.
39:37May we bring us the cart?
39:39Too sweet for my sweetie.
39:41I had no idea you could speak French so well, honey.
39:44The French learn romance from me, baby.
39:49Downtown, in the name of boob job research, Samantha decided to go where the biggest crop
39:55would be on display.
39:57Some were little boobs, some were big boobs, some were ridiculously big boobs, and then
40:13there were the two biggest boobs of all, right beside her.
40:16Wow.
40:23Can I get you something?
40:25You either have the most naturally beautiful breasts I've ever seen, or I need the name
40:30of your doctor.
40:31You want Dr. Bevel.
40:32He's the best.
40:33They paid for themselves in tips alone.
40:39Meanwhile, back in the 18th century...
40:41Oh.
40:42I'm sorry, is this a formal sleepover?
40:51Actually, there is an open at the Met tonight.
40:53It's La Traviata, and you're going with me.
40:55Man, I was this close to throwing on my ball gown, but I ignored my instincts.
41:00All right, I'll go home and change.
41:01No, no, no.
41:02It'll be much faster.
41:04Come on.
41:10Come on, open it.
41:11Come on.
41:26Tonight, only your poetry, not mine.
41:29From the magazine.
41:31You like it?
41:31If I had been on a romance-free diet, this seemed like a good time to binge.
41:39That was the most romantic.
41:43Elegant.
41:46Pardon me?
41:47That was weird.
41:51Decadent.
41:52Seven course.
41:57I'm sorry, honey.
42:00Oh, boy.
42:03Are you okay?
42:12Honey?
42:14Are you going to be long in there?
42:16Uh, maybe.
42:18Oh, definitely.
42:20Why?
42:20That's okay.
42:21I'll go to the other one.
42:22When you splurge on a romantic seven-course meal, you generally want to remember every bite.
42:27There was the soup course, the dessert course, and all those other yummy courses in between.
42:33That's gotta be it.
42:35I'm done.
42:37Harry and Charlotte had romance shooting out of them every 20 minutes.
42:41Oh, I'm not.
42:42For the rest of the night.
42:43I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
42:45It's not pleasant.
42:46I can't make it to the other one!
42:48It's the fucking fromage.
42:49No.
42:51That fucking fromage!
42:54Uh-oh.
42:55Oh.
42:56Oh, look out.
42:57I'm coming in.
43:00Surviving a night of food poisoning together wasn't the stuff of great romance.
43:04But it was the stuff of lasting love.
43:10Meanwhile, a funny thing happened on the way to the opera.
43:16Wait, wait.
43:19This music.
43:21This place.
43:23You.
43:25Isn't it perfect?
43:28Would you dance with me?
43:35It was the most romantic moment.
43:41Hey, hey, hey.
43:43Are you okay?
43:45You okay?
43:45Hey.
43:47No.
43:48It's too much.
43:50I'm an American.
43:53You gotta take it down a notch.
43:55She didn't need help.
43:56No, he's got it.
43:58And then a quarter of a pounder with cheese.
44:03McNuggets.
44:04Would you like to supersize that?
44:06Can you handle it?
44:08Absolutely.
44:09Absolutely.
44:13I'm sorry about the opera.
44:15Don't be silly.
44:16Other time.
44:17Other dress.
44:20May I offer you a fry?
44:24They're French.
44:26Oh, then.
44:30Hmm.
44:33Hmm.
44:34Hmm.
44:35Hmm.
44:37Okay.
44:39I think I might be up for a quick spin now.
44:42If you'll still have me.
44:45Oh.
44:50That'll be 9.54.
44:58And there, beneath the fluorescent moonlight, I was finally laughing with romance and not at it.
45:06And if I went any bigger than this, I think I'd look ridiculous, don't you?
45:10Well, that's not my work.
45:12But I did hers.
45:13And hers, right before the Golden Globes.
45:15Wow.
45:16They're winners.
45:17Other arm, please.
45:20I have an event in two months that I'd really like to have a little cleavage for.
45:24Hmm.
45:24Will they be up and running by then?
45:26Miss Jones, you have a lump I'd like you to have checked out before we begin our work.
45:30It's right here.
45:31You can feel yourself.
45:32Are you kidding?
45:34No, I'm afraid not.
45:36Okay.
45:37But it's not serious, right?
45:40Well, it's probably just a cyst, but we want to be absolutely sure.
45:43I'd like you to have it looked at as soon as possible, okay?
45:52By Miranda's wedding day, I thought the whole world had gone romantic when Samantha insisted on picking me up in
45:57a cab.
45:58What has come over you? This is a hundred blocks out of your way.
46:01Okay.
46:01So now we're going to 10th and 6th Avenue, please.
46:03Boy, you look nice.
46:04Well, so do you.
46:06So, I had my breast consultation with a plastic surgeon.
46:10Please tell me you've changed your mind.
46:12Well, not exactly.
46:13He found a lump and I had a biopsy and it turns out I have cancer.
46:18You...
46:19What?
46:19When?
46:20Well, I had a biopsy on Wednesday and I found out yesterday.
46:23I'm going to give you all the information and I don't want you to get upset or start worrying.
46:27And the only reason I'm telling you now and not later is I didn't want to accidentally blurt out I
46:32have cancer in the middle of Miranda's wedding.
46:35Could you please take 5th?
46:37Broadway's a disaster.
46:40Okay, I'm listening.
46:41And please don't tell Charlotte and Miranda I don't want to ruin their days too.
46:44Of course, whatever you say.
46:48So, what exactly do you know?
46:49Well, just that there are cancer cells and I had a mammogram and they think it's small, which is a
46:53good sign.
46:54And I won't know anything else until they take the fucker out next week.
46:57So there, now you know everything and we can talk about something else.
47:03So do you like my skunk?
47:07Well, thank you for telling me.
47:09Sure.
47:10I'm sorry to put a big cloud over the whole day.
47:13Just a minute.
47:14I know I'm going to be fine.
47:16I know that.
47:18It's just...
47:20I don't want to lose my breasts.
47:23They're fabulous.
47:25They are.
47:30We have a battle for worse.
47:32For richer or poorer.
47:33For richer or poorer.
47:35To love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.
47:38To love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.
47:41This is my solemn vow.
47:43This is my solemn vow.
47:45This is my solemn vow.
47:45Now, Miranda.
47:46I, Miranda Hobbs.
47:48I, Miranda Hobbs.
47:50Take you, Steve Brady.
47:51Take you, Steve Brady.
47:53To be my husband.
47:55To be my husband.
47:56To be my husband.
47:56For better or worse.
47:58for richer or poorer
48:01in sickness and in health
48:04to love and to cherish
48:09as long as we both shall live
48:11this is my solemn vow
48:14do you promise to uphold these vows you've made here today
48:17witnessed by your closest friends and family
48:20I do
48:23with the power vested in me by the state of New York
48:26I now pronounce you husband and wife
48:48the one wedding ritual Miranda never had a problem with
48:51was the part where everyone eats
48:53and so we did
48:55Samantha you look so pretty today
48:57thanks I have cancer
48:58what?
48:59are you all okay with drinks?
49:01no we're not okay with drinks keep them coming
49:02cool
49:05I like the color of your dress
49:07oh thank you
49:08I admire you for not pretending
49:12listen we're family now
49:14and there's something private I want to tell you
49:17oh you don't have to
49:19the day I married Steve's father
49:21I wore white
49:22but I shouldn't have
49:24I slipped
49:27once
49:27once
49:28once
49:28God forgive me
49:30don't tell Steve
49:33when I walked down that aisle at St. Agnes
49:35I had a white dress on the outside
49:38and my little Jackie on the inside
49:58oh my god I am legally bound to Steve's mother
50:01there she is
50:03congratulations
50:07what why are you being weird?
50:09we're not being weird
50:10no we're just talking
50:11about me right?
50:13you think I'm an asshole
50:14that I've become one of them
50:15that I'm a Stepford bride
50:17God no
50:19then tell me what you're talking about
50:20I'll tell you tomorrow
50:21I don't want to ruin your special day
50:22forget about my special fucking day
50:25and be normal
50:26please
50:26I beg of you
50:31I have breast cancer
50:34what?
50:35see
50:36now it's my special fucking day
50:39you have breast cancer?
50:41hey
50:42no tears
50:44Miranda
50:45I expected more from you
50:47see this is what we were afraid of
50:49go back to your people
50:50we'll talk about this later
50:51you are my people
50:53and we'll talk about it now
50:55now start at the beginning
50:56you are the bossiest bride in the world
51:00yes I am
51:01and you have to do everything I say
51:02oh
51:05now start talking
51:08okay
51:10do you remember when I wanted to be
51:11for better or for worse
51:13we were all ourselves that day
51:17just the way Miranda wanted it
51:18last when I said to be
51:20it's not
51:20we were all in the world
51:21I saw her