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00:05When venturing out on your first blind date in a decade, it's crucial to have the right attitude, hope for
00:13the best, prepare for the worst, and who knows, you just might be pleasantly surprised.
00:32Or not.
00:35I got stood up. Yes, I deigned to go on a blind date against all my better judgment. I was
00:41willing to lower myself into the gutter.
00:44God, I miss dating.
00:46And then he doesn't show.
00:47Are you sure?
00:48Well, either he didn't show, or he took one look at me and ran for the hills. Which is worse?
00:53I can't decide.
00:54I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation. We're going to get to the bottom of this.
00:56No, we're at the bottom. A complete stranger hurt my feelings. I'd say that's scraping bottom.
01:00You shouldn't even be going on blind dates. It's beneath you.
01:03Now, that's not true. I know a lot of great couples that met on blind dates. Eric and Marcy.
01:08Stop.
01:08Even if he had shown up, most first dates are like job interviews with cocktails. Nuh-uh. I think I'm
01:14done.
01:14That's what I said yesterday about eating bread, and I just ordered pancakes, so...
01:17Why should I risk having a god-awful evening when I am guaranteed to have fun with you guys?
01:24Oh, honey, you're cute, but I'm never going to fuck you.
01:27Look, I'm really sorry this happened to you on your first date back out there, but you have to keep
01:31trying.
01:32Nuh-uh. No, I'm like Puxatani Phil. I came out, I saw my shadow, and I'm going back in. I'll
01:35see you guys next winter.
01:36Well, you have to take some risks so that you don't wind up an old maid.
01:39Oh, that's right. Must not wind up old maid. Must not wind up old maid. Now, how am I going
01:45to remember that? Does anybody have a pen?
01:47Why don't we get stuck with old maid and spinster, and men get to be bachelors and playboys?
01:52No matter how shriveled their dicks are.
01:54Okay. The end. New topic. Charlotte's 36th birthday, Saturday night. I say we spinsters take back Manhattan.
02:04Well, I've thought about it, and I've decided I'm sticking at 35.
02:09Because it was such a good year?
02:10Because I'm just not where I thought I'd be at 36.
02:13I don't feel 36, and I don't look 36, right?
02:16Oh, you don't.
02:17And men are much more interested in meeting 35-year-olds. So I'm sticking.
02:21We all turned 36 like big girls. Now it's your turn.
02:24Oh, let her stick. Lying about her age is the smartest thing she's done in years.
02:28Okay, then. Where are we celebrating Charlotte's 35th birthday, the sequel?
02:32Sorry. Today is the baby nurse's last day. From now on, you're going to have to book me a year
02:36in advance.
02:37Wow, you're like Nobu.
02:38I can't go either. Richard's taking me to Atlantic City for the weekend.
02:41Oh, what did you do wrong?
02:43Oh, he loves to gamble, and there's some kind of heavyweight prize fight thing he wants to see.
02:47But we are going on his private jet.
02:49Well, no celebration is fine with me.
02:52Are you telling me the four of us can't get together to celebrate Charlotte's 34th birthday?
02:56This is bullshit.
02:58Two nights later with no friends available, no dates, not even any good, bad TV to watch.
03:06This is bullshit.
03:09Okay, this is my third and final phone call.
03:13Miranda thinks she can get Steve to watch the baby.
03:16Charlotte agreed to come out as long as we don't mention her birthday or the number 36.
03:21I'm still a little fuzzy on the rules.
03:23Anyway, can't you get out of Atlantic City?
03:26Oh, I don't know. I'll have to ask Richard.
03:28Please do, because I am looking at the last picture taken of the four of us, and it is moldy.
03:34Miranda is wearing a blouse with shoulder pads.
03:38Carrie's so bent on getting the four of us together Saturday night.
03:41Would you be terribly disappointed if I didn't come?
03:44Why not just bring them along?
03:46I'll raise for comp suites, and there's plenty of room on the jet.
03:48Yes!
03:50That Friday, I picked up my fellow jet setter on the way to the airport.
03:56Under the boardwalk, we'll be having some for what?
04:00I can't go.
04:01I'm just not ready to be separated from the baby.
04:04What?
04:05I'm kidding!
04:06Steve took him two hours ago.
04:08I'm free!
04:08I'm free!
04:09I'm leaving the compound!
04:10Don't do that to me!
04:11I'm a 36-year-old woman!
04:13Come on in.
04:13I just need two seconds.
04:15Two seconds!
04:15Two seconds!
04:16Oh, man!
04:19Well, hi, Magda.
04:20How are you?
04:20You want to see something beautiful?
04:21Come, I'll show you.
04:23Look at him.
04:24You ever see such beautiful face?
04:26Look here.
04:28So smiley.
04:30Oh!
04:31Mm-hmm.
04:33And here, after bath, with the little boobie.
04:37Oh!
04:40Okay.
04:43As I live and breathe, Ms. Hobbs, I never thought I'd see the day.
04:49That's not me.
04:50That's her.
04:50I didn't even take most of those.
04:52Okay, this is the only sweater I have that covers my ass.
04:56Do you think I can get away with this and stretchy pants all weekend?
04:59Are you kidding?
04:59Atlantic City's the capital of stretchy pants.
05:01They're mandatory down there.
05:05Come on, come on, come on.
05:08Hi, how you doing?
05:09Steve, what's wrong?
05:10What are you doing back here?
05:12Oh, I thought I forgot the white piece.
05:13But it turns out, actually, I don't think I can do this.
05:19Excuse me?
05:20I'm afraid that I might break him or something.
05:23Look, I accidentally scratched his face with my dirty fingernail.
05:26Look.
05:27Um, it's nothing.
05:29You've taken care of him before.
05:30It's been fine.
05:31Wait, but for two hours, yeah, for two hours, I'm great.
05:35But, you know, after two hours, I might accidentally kill him.
05:40Look, we're both afraid we're going to kill the baby.
05:43That's a given.
05:44But we made an agreement this week.
05:46Monday to Friday, I try not to kill him.
05:48Saturday and Sunday, you try not to kill him.
05:50Huh?
05:55I'm sorry.
05:58I can't do it.
06:04You should go.
06:05You're going to miss the plane.
06:06No way.
06:06The four of us are going to Atlantic City.
06:08We will figure something out.
06:12Hello, hello, hello.
06:13Sorry I'm so late.
06:15Hi.
06:16Charlotte, welcome aboard.
06:17Where's everybody?
06:18I thought I was late.
06:19Oh, they had some kind of problem, something with the baby, blah, blah, blah.
06:22Their meeting is down there.
06:23They are?
06:24But, so, it's just going to be the three of us for the whole flight?
06:28Yeah, come in.
06:29Make yourself comfortable.
06:33Oh, Samantha, you shouldn't have.
06:38Oh, it's pretty.
06:41But what is it?
06:43I'm sorry.
06:43That was actually meant for Samantha.
06:46It's a...
06:48Curl thong.
06:49For me?
06:51Oh, you naughty boy.
06:54Mmm.
06:56Mmm.
06:58Did I tell you I've taken up knitting?
07:00I find it really calms my nerves.
07:02Mmm.
07:02Practical and stimulating.
07:04What will they think of next?
07:06Knitting is the new yoga, according to New York Magazine.
07:09I'm making these for Little Brady.
07:10Maybe later, if you're good.
07:11Uh-huh.
07:12I'll give you a pearl necklace to match.
07:14My father gave me the most beautiful pearl necklace for my sweet 16.
07:17Actually, we're talking about the other kind of pearl necklace.
07:21You know, when a guy decorates your neck.
07:26You're sure that Carrie said they were coming down tonight?
07:30Knit one, pearl two, would never sound the same to Charlotte again.
07:36You know, but I need to go somewhere for two days that I've been looking forward to for like...
07:40Excuse me.
07:41No, no, no, no, no.
07:42That's not what I'm talking about.
07:42Time out, guys.
07:43I...
07:43I'm...
07:43You can...
07:44Magda here has offered to help Steve with the baby over the weekend.
07:48No, that's not her job.
07:49Miranda, I'm begging you, throw some money at the problem and let's hit the road.
07:52We've already missed the jet.
07:54How would we even get there?
07:56This is the final call for Atlantic City.
07:59Passengers should be on board for immediate departure.
08:02This is pleasant.
08:03I think we're on the old lady express.
08:06Oh, that's good.
08:08Where are all the old men?
08:10Dead.
08:10Or married to 20-year-olds.
08:13I am so excited.
08:14I have been dreaming about being alone with these for months.
08:17I love that the New Yorker is your porn.
08:20Do you think we'll still be friends when we're this old?
08:22Sure.
08:24What do you mean, sure?
08:25I could barely get us together for the weekend and we're all still mobile.
08:29Mm-hmm.
08:30Hey, New Yorker, I'm talking to you.
08:34How are we going to make it to 70 if you've already zoned me out?
08:38Okay, I'm listening.
08:39Talk fast.
08:40I'm serious.
08:40Friendships don't magically last 40 years.
08:42You have to invest in them.
08:44It's like your savings.
08:45You don't expect to wake up one day when you're old and find a big bucket of money waiting there.
08:50Oh, did you finally open that IRA?
08:52No.
08:53Well, my point is, we need an emotional retirement plan.
08:58This is important, making time for each other and taking trips like this.
09:02Because as we can see here at the end of the line, it's just going to be us ladies riding
09:07a bus.
09:09I'm so happy right now.
09:10Atlantic City, departing at gate 104.
09:19Two New Yorker magazines and two knit booties later, we all arrived at the understated Taj Mahal Casino.
09:28Here it is, ladies, Atlantic City.
09:31Breeze deep and take it all in.
09:37Oh, God.
09:38I've missed this.
09:41Oh, yeah.
09:42I thought you were...
09:51Harmless over the bra action.
09:53And Miss Prissier is running for a parachute.
09:55Have you ever heard of a pearl necklace?
09:57Uh-huh.
09:58I'm hitting the slots.
09:59Oh, and I told Richard I'd stop by his back right there.
10:01No, no, no, no, no, not so fast.
10:03We'll take care of all that later.
10:04But right now, I'm taking my ladies to dinner.
10:08That's right, it's on me.
10:10Stay, you got it.
10:10Lobster coming right up.
10:11All right.
10:12Nothing is too fancy for my Atlantic City lady.
10:17Woo!
10:21We have got to get a picture here.
10:23This place is fantastic.
10:24Is that a euphemism for tacky?
10:26It's for delirious.
10:27Would it be bad to order more sour cream?
10:30No, eat your heart out.
10:31You're on vacation.
10:31Oh!
10:32I almost forgot about Charlotte's present.
10:34Oh!
10:35It's tomorrow and I said I didn't...
10:36Relax.
10:37I bought it in the gift shop for $3.99.
10:45Oh!
10:47Old maid?
10:48Is this supposed to be funny?
10:49Of course it's supposed to be funny.
10:51Look at you.
10:51You couldn't be farther from an old maid.
10:53I remember her looking a lot older.
10:54She looks about our age now.
10:57Oh!
10:57She's had work done.
10:59So here's where all the bathing beauties are hiding.
11:01Oh, you flatterer.
11:04Samantha, my poker game's about to start.
11:06Would you like to join me?
11:07I don't think so.
11:08I think I'll stay with the girls.
11:09All right.
11:10Hey, Richard.
11:10Welcome back to the Taj Mahal.
11:12How are you?
11:12I'm very well, Denise.
11:15Hello, Denise.
11:16I'm Samantha.
11:17It's a pleasure to meet you.
11:19Well, if you ladies will excuse me, there are five gentlemen waiting to take my money.
11:23I'll walk you out.
11:24Well, thank you.
11:26That reminds me, I have to pump soon.
11:28Yeah, who picked this restaurant?
11:30Leave it just big here.
11:32It's part of the regional charm.
11:34All right.
11:35I propose a toast.
11:38To the four of us, may we always...
11:40I think I will join, Richard, after all.
11:43Good night.
11:48Ladies, would you like a souvenir photograph?
11:51Oh!
11:51No.
11:52It was supposed to be of the four of us, and now one of us has a puss on.
11:57Thanks.
11:59When are we going to go gamble?
12:01Come on.
12:02We need to do a pair of shoes.
12:03Oh, no.
12:04No joke.
12:05What?
12:05Oh, seven.
12:07Winner.
12:07Oh, okay.
12:08You won.
12:09Now, let's go find Samantha.
12:11But I'm winning.
12:12Well, that's why you should leave now.
12:13I don't want to leave.
12:14I've been here half an hour, and no one's offered to buy us drinks.
12:17They're free.
12:18Hey, Blondie.
12:19Who are my dice for luck?
12:21Oh, no, no, no, no.
12:22I don't know how to play the game.
12:24Let her do it.
12:25No, get the hot one.
12:27Yeah, I want you.
12:28You're my lucky blonde.
12:29Blow.
12:32Hey.
12:34Thanks, Shooter.
12:35Tell him the first five, Shooter.
12:37Five to stay alive.
12:39Here we go.
12:40Oh, my God.
12:43Fuck, I lost.
12:44Oh.
12:45You just won me 12 grand, Blondie.
12:47Here.
12:50Oh, my God.
12:55Oh, I can't accept this.
12:57It's yours, Blondie.
12:59Get in the game.
13:00Have some fun.
13:01What?
13:05What are you going to do with that?
13:06You're going to gamble it?
13:07It's $1,000.
13:09The hot one.
13:10Did you hear that?
13:11It could be a lot more.
13:12I could coach you.
13:12Lucky blonde.
13:14So sexist.
13:15It's found money.
13:16What have you got to lose?
13:17$1,000.
13:18And that would not make me happy.
13:19What would make all of us happy, I believe, is to go see ZZ Top in the magic carpet room.
13:26I think I'm going to pass.
13:27I got pay-per-view in a frozen Milky Way waiting up for me in my room.
13:31What?
13:31A minute ago, you were bouncing off the walls.
13:34This is what I'm like nowadays.
13:35I stop for a minute.
13:36I have to lie down.
13:37Good night.
13:38What?
13:40You can't go to sleep.
13:42In five minutes, Charlotte turns 35 again.
13:45Good night.
13:48Charlotte went to sleep that night with a $1,000 chip on her shoulder.
13:54As a rule, the easier a game is to understand, the greater the house edge.
13:58And from that, there's no exception.
14:00The house edge on all bets is 119 or 5.23%.
14:04Except for the 00123 combination, which carries a house edge of 7.89%.
14:09People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates, hoping to hit the jackpot.
14:14But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.
14:18If we know, the house always wins.
14:22Why gamble?
14:29The next morning, Richard and Samantha awoke in the comfort of the Kubla Khan suite.
14:33How long do you think you'll be off with the girls?
14:35Oh, all day, probably.
14:37What are your plans?
14:44Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Richard.
14:48It's not a problem, Terry.
14:50Apparently, there were no old maids at the Taj Mahal.
14:53Terry, was it?
14:54That ought to be easy to remember.
14:56Terry with her Terry cloth towels.
14:59Samantha had the distinct feeling she was being Kubla Khan.
15:09Samantha, you're not actually jealous of a casino cleaning lady, are you?
15:14No.
15:14I just find it impressive that you seem to know the name and cup size of every woman who works
15:19here.
15:19I know the male employees' names as well.
15:22Doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them.
15:24Aren't you keeping the girls waiting?
15:26Hi.
15:28I'm Samantha.
15:30Can I get you some towels?
15:32A chocolate for your pillow?
15:35A blowjob?
15:37Yes, but not necessarily in that order.
15:45Meanwhile, Charlotte's encore 35th birthday was off to a running start.
15:59There she was, an old maid.
16:03And it wasn't funny.
16:06Three hours later, I was still waiting for our foursome to come together.
16:10Here we go.
16:10This is the spin.
16:11Yes, you're quite the spinster.
16:13Hi.
16:13I'm sorry I'm late.
16:14I've been fucking Richard for the past three hours.
16:16I think he's all fucked out now.
16:17Is he still breathing?
16:18It was defensive fucking.
16:19I had no choice.
16:21They're a cheap-looking whore flying at him from every direction here.
16:37There she was, Miss Atlantic Slutty.
16:42Charlotte?
16:43Are you in there?
16:44No, but I think Harlot is.
16:45Well, I didn't like getting the clothes that I packed, so I just picked something up at
16:49one of the casino shops.
16:50Those are for women who have lost all their money and have to turn tricks.
16:53Does this gal gamble?
16:54Yeah.
16:55Okay.
16:56Yeah.
16:57I'm sorry, he's here.
17:00I wonder the house always wins.
17:01These guys are smothered in breasts.
17:03I don't know what I was thinking bringing a cheating man to Atlantic City.
17:08Here you go, sir.
17:09Hey, what you doing down there, huh?
17:11Oh, it's the pearl fog.
17:12It's good for foreplay, not so good for postplay.
17:15All that, Sam?
17:16Whoa.
17:17You bet it all?
17:18You gotta play big if you wanna win big.
17:20Ma'am, would you like a hit?
17:22Over.
17:23Well, we just lost big.
17:24It's all part of the fun.
17:26You're gonna need your chip.
17:29What, me?
17:30You're sitting on a thousand dollars.
17:31Don't make me hit the ATM again.
17:33Haven't we lost enough?
17:34We're just getting started here.
17:35Are you playing this hand or what?
17:37Ladies, if you're not going to play, you're gonna have to give up your seat.
17:39Okay, you know, it's okay, so we're leaving, but would you mind taking our picture first?
17:45Oh, wait, I mean, let's just...
17:46I'm not allowed to do that, ma'am.
17:47Jesus Christ, it's not Disneyland.
17:49Hey, Red, move your fat ass.
17:55What did you just say to her?
17:57Who the hell do you think you are?
17:59Oh, fuck yous.
18:00Yeah, get in the game or get out.
18:02Guys, guys, let's go.
18:03It's okay.
18:04No, it is most certainly not okay.
18:07Listen, you big jerk.
18:09Her ass isn't normally this big.
18:12Yes.
18:13Thank you, I almost forgot.
18:14My ass is fat because I just had a baby, you asshole.
18:18What's your excuse?
18:20Yeah.
18:20You having triplets?
18:24Come on, let's go.
18:27The Lennox Lewis match sold out that night, but our heavyweight fight caused a bigger stir.
18:32Guys, I think I'm gonna go upstairs.
18:35Oh, come on.
18:36They're just idiots.
18:36Don't go.
18:37I'm tired.
18:38I'm sorry, Charlotte.
18:39Happy birthday.
18:39Happy birthday.
18:40Come on, you can have my jam.
18:42It's Richard.
18:44Hello?
18:45Uh-huh.
18:45Really?
18:47Well, do you think I should go talk to her?
18:49No, I think she'll be all right.
18:51Sure.
18:51I'll go with one of the girls.
18:53Ciao.
18:54He had a sudden conference call and he can't go to the fight.
18:56Go with the girls.
18:57Right.
18:58So he can stay in the room and get service by room service.
19:01We'll see about that.
19:07Oh, shit.
19:09Shit.
19:11Hello.
19:13What the fuck?
19:19Under other circumstances, running stairs in a pearl thong would have been Samantha's idea of a good time.
19:25But by the eighth floor, somewhere between pissed off and getting off, she had to take it off.
19:40Yes, thank you.
19:41I will.
19:42No one's here.
19:45No one's here.
19:46What's going on?
19:48I can't do this anymore.
19:50That's what's going on.
19:51I just ran up 11 flights of stairs because I was sure that you were up here fucking someone else.
19:56As you can see, I'm not.
19:57Right now.
19:58Right now you're not.
19:59But you were.
20:00And you will again.
20:01And I can't spend my life running up and down stairs wondering when.
20:06I thought I could handle this, but I can't.
20:08I'm too old.
20:10I'm 37 after all.
20:14I told you I'd do my best never to hurt you again.
20:17And I meant it.
20:18Right.
20:19Right.
20:21I love you too, Richard.
20:25But I love me more.
20:33And there, high above the casino, Samantha pulled her highest bet, her heart, off the table.
20:50And just when Samantha thought she might have folded too soon.
20:57Oops.
20:58Okay, one drink here and then we should see the boardwalk before it gets too dark.
21:01Okay.
21:02Hey, hey, can we buy you a drink?
21:04Yeah.
21:04Would you like to sit down?
21:06Oh, no, we're fine.
21:08So, um, you having a good time?
21:10Yes, actually, today's my birthday.
21:13Oh.
21:14Oh, now it's your birthday.
21:16Well, happy birthday.
21:17Oh, yeah.
21:18So, what are your names?
21:20Uh-huh.
21:20Can you just, what, what, one second?
21:22What is the point of this?
21:24You wanted a drink.
21:25Can I please have a word with you?
21:27Alone?
21:29Sure.
21:33It's Charlotte.
21:35Stop telling her.
21:39One in black's cute, right?
21:41Yeah.
21:41I didn't leave Manhattan to have a double date with two guys we'll never see again.
21:44You don't know that.
21:45You didn't even talk to them.
21:46I don't want to talk to them.
21:48I would rather have a real conversation with you.
21:50Can't we just have one drink?
21:52Oh, come on.
21:52It might be fun.
21:55They're gone.
21:57Oh.
21:58Huh.
21:59Well, problem solved.
22:0220 minutes later, we were out of the dark and into the light.
22:06Isn't this amazing?
22:07It's like a postcard for the 20s.
22:09You didn't have had one drink.
22:10What's the harm in having one drink?
22:12I can't believe you're still upset about that.
22:14What role did you think those guys were going to play in our lives?
22:16Who knows?
22:17We might have hit it off.
22:18Oh, come on.
22:19Let's look at the odds.
22:20Realistically, how many guys do we ever hit it off with?
22:23Very few.
22:24And even if we do, those relationships don't last.
22:27And even if they did, men die first.
22:28So we're right back where we started.
22:29I say we skip all the drama and just enjoy each other's company.
22:35Now.
22:37But I don't want to skip all the drama.
22:39That's life.
22:40That's everything.
22:41That's relationships and anniversaries and kids.
22:44And I want all that in addition to my friends.
22:46Well, that sounds wonderful, but don't bank on it happening.
22:52You must be getting cold.
22:53I'll meet you back at the hotel.
22:54I'm going to get some saltwater taffy.
22:59Are you sure?
23:00Yeah, I'm going for it.
23:03Watch the tram car, please.
23:05Watch the tram car, please.
23:14By my fifth piece of peppermint taffy, I realized
23:17maybe I wasn't banking on my friends.
23:19I was hiding in them.
23:21You ready for a swim?
23:23Got your bathing suit on under there?
23:25Oh, yeah.
23:26It's a bikini.
23:27You'll love it.
23:28I was kind of hoping for a skinny dip.
23:30Kiddo, there's nothing skinny about all of us.
23:34Should we go back?
23:35In a minute.
23:36It's almost sunset.
23:39You and your pink sky.
23:56Then again, maybe there are some things worth gambling on.
24:02I'm going to go back.
24:05Back inside, I had a thought.
24:07To hit the jackpot in the future,
24:10you might have to bet on where you are in the present.
24:13Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.
24:16What happens after 36?
24:18I don't know.
24:19I guess you fall off the table.
24:20Bye, bear.
24:25All right.
24:26No more bets.
24:28Here we go.
24:3129.
24:32The winner is number 29.
24:48I can't believe you gambled all that money away.
24:52We could be in a limo right now.
24:53You told me to.
24:55I thought we were taking the jet.
24:58You couldn't have broken up with him tomorrow?
24:59What, lose my dignity?
25:03Don't let me have any more of these.
25:06Anyone up for playing old maid?
25:09Aren't we?
25:11I'm in.
25:12I'm in.
25:13Oh, wait, wait, wait.
25:16Oh, my God.
25:17No.
25:18Excuse me.
25:19Would you mind taking our picture?
25:22We're going to take a moment.
25:23We're going to want to remember.
25:28Turns out, it was.
25:35It is said that it takes a lifetime to figure out who you are.
25:40This book cover is so you.
25:42People in publishing move a tad faster.
25:45It's just a mock-up and don't be thrown.
25:46We put your head on another person's body.
25:49Okay, here it is.
25:50The cover of Sex and the City.
25:53The best-selling Sex and the City.
25:57No.
25:59Oh, I'm sorry.
26:01That just came out.
26:02Not at all.
26:03That's good.
26:04You had a strong reaction.
26:05That's what we want.
26:06Well, we don't want people's reaction to be no.
26:08Right.
26:09Let me talk you through it.
26:11Blurred background.
26:12A fast-paced city.
26:14And you naked with nothing but your ideas.
26:17I get it.
26:18But, see, no matter how fast-paced the city, I always manage to get my clothes on before I leave
26:26the apartment.
26:27See, Courtney, here's what concerns me.
26:30That cover is all about sex.
26:32Well, sex sells.
26:34Yes.
26:35Yes.
26:35But my columns are about relationships.
26:39And when I do write about sex, it's just words.
26:41Reading about sex is a lot different than seeing it in front of you, naked on 6th Avenue, hailing a
26:48cab.
26:49I totally understand, Carrie.
26:51Okay.
26:53We're fucked.
26:55Well, no, no, no, no, no, no.
26:56Okay, okay.
26:57Let me just, let me say it again.
26:59No, no, absolutely not.
27:00I would sooner die.
27:01The next day, our talk turned from bachelors, baby bottles, and Balenciaga blouses to books.
27:07Bad, worse, loser, disaster.
27:12And you know the scary thing?
27:13I'm being kind.
27:16Honey, relax.
27:17What could anyone say about you?
27:18You're fabulous.
27:19That's sweet, but if I get the wrong book cover, I'm a fabulous target.
27:23People are mean.
27:24People are not that mean.
27:26Ugh, she looks like shit.
27:28Is her stylist blind?
27:29I have just officially entered panic.
27:32Oh, stop.
27:33Talk to me.
27:34This is what I do.
27:35How do you see yourself on the cover?
27:38You know, like a writer who somehow happened to have wound up on her book cover looking smart, sexy, and
27:45properly airbrushed.
27:46Well, I can help you with that.
27:47I'll talk to the publishers.
27:49When's the photo shoot?
27:50It's next Thursday, but Samantha, I can't afford you.
27:52Hmm, true, my PR services are pricey.
27:55It'll cost you two martinis and a lunch.
27:59Uh-huh, uh-huh.
28:00Okay, I'll talk to my people.
28:01What kind of diet book are you looking for?
28:03I don't know.
28:04Something with a title like, How to Lose That Baby Fat by Sitting on Your Ass?
28:10How about The Zone?
28:11About, no.
28:12I thought you were serious about this.
28:14I am.
28:14Just as soon as I finish this nougat caramel pretzel devil thing.
28:18Okay.
28:19I'm gonna go look for this book I read about.
28:21What's it called?
28:22Starting over yet again.
28:26See ya.
28:33There it was.
28:35The Self-Hell Isle.
28:46As Charlotte looked at the titles, The Woman's Comfort Book, The Path to Love, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting,
28:53Please Understand Me Too, she couldn't bear the thought that she belonged there.
28:59That really helped me.
29:07Travel?
29:08Travel?
29:13Travel?
29:21All right, it's none of my business, but don't do that. I did. I lost 24, gained 46.
29:29But, is the New York Times, is the New York Times gonna come to your apartment at 2 a.m.
29:32and pry the cookie dough out of your hands?
29:34I don't think so.
29:35I don't think so.
29:35Weight Watchers. It's the only sane way to go. You can't even have dessert.
29:41We're starting over yet again.
29:43Shh. Here you go. Good luck with Weight Watchers.
29:48Did you find your book?
29:49No, it wasn't for me.
29:58Yeah, like I need his advice.
30:01I'm a dead woman.
30:03Who needs the Self-Help Isle when you can self-help yourself to Amazon.com and get exactly what you
30:08need, Overnight Express and shame-free.
30:14That's quite a package.
30:17Excuse me?
30:18That's quite a package.
30:22Can I sign right here, please?
30:32There.
30:34How's that?
30:35Pretty damn good.
30:36I just got my nails done. Would you mind opening my package?
30:43Ooh, thank you.
30:46Now maybe I can help you with your package.
30:50Fucking A.
30:57At exactly 12.15, I stopped by to pick up Samantha for our business lunch to decide what we thought
31:03was sexy.
31:13I'm sorry.
31:16Do you want to keep going?
31:17No, I've had enough.
31:24Some women like Samantha know when to stop putting things in their mouths, while others, like Miranda, need a little
31:31help.
31:31Oh, thank you. You look great.
31:37I'm much lighter metric.
31:41Oh, I almost recognized you.
31:45Oh, excuse me.
31:46Hi. Hi.
31:47There's been a mistake on my weight.
31:48Nope. The scales don't lie.
31:50This isn't a vanity thing. The other woman inverted the numbers.
31:54Look, if I'm going to do this, I want to do it right.
31:56Well, you've got the right attitude. Come on.
31:59Hi, I'm sorry. Can I scooch in a minute?
32:01Sure.
32:01Thanks.
32:03Oh.
32:07Elaine!
32:08You wrote down this woman weighs 158.2, but she weighs 152.8.
32:14Could you not yell out my weight?
32:16Hey, I weigh 240.
32:18Go weight 77.
32:20Here you go, and here's a name tag.
32:23A name tag?
32:23Oh, yeah. We all got to wear these.
32:27Tom, big bone.
32:29Miranda, baby weight.
32:31Hi.
32:34Later that same day, Stanford came over for a fag and some flipping.
32:38Hey, finish that and get over here and start on Vogue.
32:41Tear out any outfit that might work for me.
32:43Try to pick something that won't be too pathetic if I wind up in a half-off bin.
32:51Well, you look very... something.
32:55I am very something.
32:57What's going on over there, Ms. Blatch?
33:01I met someone.
33:02Oh, my God, really?
33:05That's fantastic!
33:08His name is Marcus.
33:10And is he a Roman?
33:11No, he is not.
33:12Oh, too bad. I always adore a metal breastplate on a man.
33:15So, what does this Marcus do?
33:17Okay, before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.
33:21Do I judge?
33:22We all judge. That's our hobby.
33:24Some people do arts and crafts. We judge.
33:27I'll be kind.
33:28He's a dancer in Radio City Music Hall.
33:32I feel as though my hands are tied.
33:34He's a Broadway-caliber dancer working in the male chorus.
33:38Last Christmas, he danced the part of Arabian Coffee in the Nutcracker.
33:42And where did you meet your raquette?
33:44Standing in line at Starbucks.
33:45You met a man who played coffee waiting to get coffee?
33:48Mm-hmm.
33:49We're both grande house blends.
33:52What is that, a new zodiac sign?
33:59Hello?
34:00How funny was that thing in my office today?
34:03It was hilarious. I'm sending you the x-ray bill for my elbow.
34:06Could you have gotten out of there any faster?
34:08No.
34:10Oh, lighten up.
34:12Um, I am lightened up.
34:14Good news. I got my favorite stylist to do us a favor and pull some looks for the cover.
34:19Oh, well, did you tell them what we're looking for?
34:22Sexy chic, just like you said.
34:24Well, when are you meeting them? Because maybe I should join you as well.
34:27Don't worry. I'll handle it.
34:29But, I have some ideas.
34:32You still want me to do this, right?
34:34Yeah, why wouldn't I?
34:36Fantastic! I'll have them pull some stuff and we can go look at it. How's Saturday?
34:39Ah, it's great. And I'll ask Stanford to come.
34:41Is Stanford suddenly a stylist?
34:43No, but it's gay and bitchy, my target test audience.
34:47You okay?
34:48I'm fabulous. We'll talk tomorrow.
34:50Okay.
34:54Ask Stanford to come where?
34:56Look at some outfits for the cover.
34:58It's Saturday.
34:59Well, I'll have to check with Marcus. We may have fans.
35:03Oh, God, you're not going to turn into one of those couples, are you?
35:06Judgey Wudgie was a bear.
35:09I think it's pretty much agreed that it goes open-minded, good, judgmental, bad.
35:15But are we being too quick to judge judgment?
35:21Perhaps judgment is not so much a snap decision as an early warning and detection device.
35:28If it is instantly clear that a person, a place, or even a profession is not for you, is it
35:33better to ignore your better judgment and read between the lines?
35:36Or should you judge a book by its cover?
35:41You've got mail.
35:46Based on your recent book purchase, here's a list of books you might be interested in.
35:50The selected list included
35:53Lonely Women, No Men
35:55Love Hurts, You Don't Have To
35:57You
35:57I'm Fine
35:59Now
36:00And
36:01Reservations
36:02For One
36:03Charlotte refused to see herself as one of those type women.
36:11It fell eight flights and landed at the feet of a woman walking by who was contemplating a divorce.
36:17She considered it a sign from God.
36:20After three Weight Watchers meetings, where they did nothing but talk about eating, Miranda Babyweight and Tom Bigbone decided to
36:27go someplace and actually eat.
36:29So then I did the one where you can only have the water, eggs, and grapefruit.
36:32Because they're so good together.
36:33It actually worked out well for me until I fainted on an Indian woman in the subway.
36:39What about the one with all the prepackaged, chemicalized food?
36:42I don't know how they get all of those delicious artificial ingredients in such little tiny packages.
36:47I know. Although, they did have this itty-bitty thing of tuna that I loved.
36:52But then I cut my tongue licking it out of the can and I knew it was time to stop.
36:55Did you ever try the cabbage soup diet?
36:57No. I heard it gives you really bad gas.
37:00Yeah, it's true. That was the end of my fiance.
37:02Oh, she sounds mean.
37:04Well, I think there was more to it than cabbage.
37:07We weren't very good together. She was very critical.
37:09The more she put me down, the more I ate.
37:11And to this day, whenever somebody criticizes me, I go right for those.
37:18Oh, glazed. They're my favorite.
37:21Tell me about it.
37:22Best Weight Watchers meeting is down on 23rd Street.
37:24Can't go anywhere near it because there's a Krispy Kreme right next door to the place.
37:27How many Weight Watchers points do you think is in one of those?
37:30Two? A hundred thousand?
37:34Would it be terrible if we split one?
37:39We're consenting adults.
37:42Sir, can I get a Krispy Kreme and a knife?
37:53Whoever invented glaze is a genius.
37:56Mm-hmm.
38:03Mm.
38:04Mm.
38:05Mm.
38:07See, that is worth being fat poor.
38:09I'm sorry, it's just worth it.
38:11Mm-hmm.
38:13I know how we can burn this off.
38:15Really?
38:17Activity points.
38:32Weight Watchers turned out to be a lot more enjoyable than Miranda had expected.
38:52No!
38:53Yes, I was all over his face.
38:55No!
38:56Yes!
38:56Talk about loving yourself.
38:58I'd rather just be good friends with myself.
38:59You know, when I was a lesbian...
39:01I saw that coming.
39:02I could get in and out with nothing more than a fine lip gloss.
39:05Well, you're awfully quiet.
39:06What is there to say?
39:07The man simply has bad manners.
39:09You keep a box of tissues on the nightstand.
39:12While he's stroking you with one hand, he grabs a tissue and suddenly dabs his face.
39:17Emily Post's polite pussy.
39:19So why didn't you just say something?
39:21It's a little hard to criticize if you're with someone who overeats when he's criticized.
39:26Miranda went out with an overeater and he overeat her.
39:32And then when he popped his head up, he had such a proud look on his face.
39:36Oh, they always look so proud. Like they just came back from war.
39:39Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
39:42And they all want that, you're my hero kiss.
39:45Not without a tissue and an Altoid.
39:47It's a weird double standard, I guess.
39:49I'd feel insulted if I'd just gone down on a guy and he wouldn't kiss me.
39:52Samantha, do you kiss after a blowjob?
39:54No, she just signs the delivery slip and sends him on his way.
40:01What's going on?
40:03Apparently Carrie has a problem with the fact that she saw me blowing the World Wide Express guy.
40:08Ew.
40:09Okay, I would like to point out that was her and not me.
40:11And when did I say I had a problem?
40:13Oh, please. You walked in, caught us, turned and ran.
40:15Well, what was I supposed to do? Sit and flip through Marie Claire?
40:18Where did you see her blowing the World Wide Express guy? Not on the street.
40:21Of course not. It was in the privacy of my office.
40:24Oh!
40:25And it wasn't a World Wide Express guy. It was my World Wide Express guy.
40:30Your World Wide Express guy?
40:33Yes.
40:33Really? What's his name?
40:35Joe, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
40:39Samantha, what's the big deal? We laugh about this kind of stuff all the time.
40:42Fine.
40:43Oh!
40:44Samantha!
40:45It's fine.
40:47We better go, Carrie. We'll be late for the stylist.
40:51Naughty, fabulous cap.
40:53Harlow.
40:54No, no, no.
40:56No.
40:56Well, I think it's a fantastic approach and the publishers love the idea.
41:00They wanted me buck naked waiting for the M11 bus.
41:03I thought we said sexy chic. Who is this stylist? Fredericks of Hollywood?
41:07No, just go behind there and at least try one on.
41:09I can't wear this. I'm going to look like an extra from Moulin Rouge.
41:13You will not. The shoes are lined up in there. Scoot.
41:16Mom, go, Dominique.
41:17Don't say scoot.
41:19Knock, knock.
41:20Oh!
41:21Nothing in here I haven't seen and ruled out in junior high.
41:24Hi.
41:25Hello, doll. Carrie's changed.
41:27Samantha, this is my boyfriend, Marcus.
41:31Oh, Papa's got himself a brand new bag.
41:35Carrie, come on out. I want to introduce you.
41:47Um, Marcus, a dance? Lady Marmalade.
41:52Hi, Marcus. It's nice to meet you. I don't usually dress like a high-class hooker.
41:55That is not a hooker look.
41:57Please, this screams hooker.
42:00What respectable New York woman would be caught dead wearing this?
42:03I have one in red.
42:07Am I a hooker?
42:09Could you guys wait outside for a second? We're just having some trouble deciding on my outfit.
42:12No, no, no, no. Let's get a second and I might add gay opinion.
42:16Stanford, doesn't you look adorable in that?
42:19Yes.
42:20Stanford, isn't this the worst possible outfit for my cover?
42:24Yes.
42:25Well, what about you? What do you think of this?
42:29It's not very modern.
42:31Isn't he great?
42:33He's great.
42:34Can you wait outside for a second?
42:35Just a second.
42:37What do you think?
42:38Here, here, here, here, here.
42:39Here, here, here, here, here.
42:43What game, big fly fly?
42:46Samantha, I really appreciate the help.
42:49But you and I have very different ideas about what's sexy.
42:53This is about the blow job, isn't it?
42:55What?
42:55One little blow job and I'm a hooker with no taste.
42:59This isn't about the blow job. This is about the book cover.
43:01I don't feel comfortable being on a shelf next to a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt with my breasts hanging out.
43:07What is the problem? I've seen you at cocktail parties wearing not much else.
43:12Nuh-uh. Not lately you haven't. And you know why?
43:14Because it's time for ladies my age to cover it up.
43:17We can't get away with the same stuff we used to.
43:20Meaning blow jobs.
43:21Oh, Jesus. Again with the blow jobs. What is your problem?
43:26I don't have a problem. You have a problem.
43:29I have marabou-covered breasts. That is my only problem.
43:33I'm not blind. I saw that look in your eye in my office.
43:36What look?
43:36That judgmental look.
43:38That wasn't judgment. That was shock. I thought we were having lunch.
43:41Are you telling me you have no judgment about me and the World Wide Express guy?
43:45No judgment. But I do have a question.
43:48Will this relationship be priority overnight or next day delivery?
43:53Oh, come on, Samantha. Lighten up, remember?
43:55If I walked in on you giving a blow job to a World Wide Express guy, you would never walk
44:01in on me because that is something I would never do.
44:04There. And I cannot believe that you would judge me after everything that we've been through.
44:14Samantha, where are you going?
44:16I'm going to splash some water on my face and then I'm going home.
44:18And I will not be judged by you or society.
44:21I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel.
44:52That night, Miranda had gone from facing her weight at Weight Watchers to waiting for her Weight Watchers'
44:57face.
45:07Hey. Give me those gorgeous lips.
45:09Stop. No, I can't do that.
45:11Why? What did I do?
45:12It's not you. It's me. Literally me. I'm all over your face. I'm all over.
45:18Doesn't that have another concept?
45:20Yes, but not so much.
45:23That's what he's saying.
45:25Big fat sloppy eater?
45:26No, no. I'm just worried that I might be too many food points.
45:30Making jokes?
45:31That's what we do. Miranda baby weight.
45:35Yeah, but not when I'm vulnerable and naked. I'm not comfortable at this weight.
45:39Never mind. You look great. Take a tissue.
45:44I don't want a tissue. I want a pot pie.
45:47You don't want a pot pie.
45:50You're right. I want seven.
45:54I don't think we should see each other anymore.
46:00I gotta concentrate on my diet.
46:02Oh.
46:05I was just being silly.
46:08Come back to bed.
46:11Do what you were doing. You're good at it.
46:13What?
46:14Bon appetit!
46:16The bad news was that from then on, Miranda had to go downtown to the notorious Weight Watchers meeting next
46:23to the Krispy Kreme where she wouldn't bump into Tom.
46:26The good news was that she never wanted a glazed donut again.
46:34Snap it down and squeeze hold.
46:36Hey, Carrie.
46:37Hi. Is she in?
46:38Okay.
46:39Hello?
46:40Uh-huh.
46:40Is she alone?
46:43Okay.
46:45Mm-hmm.
46:46Knock, knock.
46:51See?
46:52Live it.
46:53Learn it.
46:58That's all I get for a tailor-made knock-knock joke?
47:03That's better.
47:05So,
47:07two days, four calls, no answer.
47:10I know.
47:11Sorry.
47:12I've been busy.
47:15Do we have to do this?
47:17Can't we just pretend the whole thing didn't happen?
47:20Well, Sheriff, we don't ever want to talk on the phone again.
47:22In a few days, the whole thing will blow over.
47:25That's an interesting choice of words.
47:28Look.
47:28Look.
47:30I'm sorry.
47:31I'm sorry.
47:31Carrie.
47:32Stop.
47:33I don't want to do the I'm sorry stuff with you.
47:36Anyone else but not you.
47:37You and I are perfect.
47:40Sweetie.
47:41As lovely as that idea sounds.
47:43We're not perfect.
47:45Well, we're pretty damn close.
47:46Make no mistake about it.
47:47It's not my personal style.
47:49But I really admire your ability to put your sex life out there.
47:56So, I brought some looks for my cover.
48:00I want your opinion.
48:01You do?
48:02Yeah.
48:03Well, just in there.
48:08I did judge you.
48:10Just a little.
48:12And I feel bad, especially in light of the fact that you were so good to me during the whole
48:16big married man affair.
48:18No, honey, it's not just you.
48:19I judge me.
48:20Ever since that fucking Richard, I don't even know who I am anymore.
48:23And just like that, I realized what was under Samantha's fabulous cover.
48:29And I'm sorry about the delivery guy.
48:31I had no idea what that must have been like for you.
48:34Until I walked in on Stanford getting a blowjob from Marcus.
48:37Oh, yeah, he told me.
48:38Oh!
48:39This is good.
48:40Yeah.
48:41Just the jacket and leg?
48:42With a sexy pair of shoes.
48:44Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
48:45Stanford was getting a blowjob?
48:47I thought he would be getting, you know.
48:49Never mind.
48:50You're judgemental.
48:51Oh, honey, we all thought that.
48:54Right here at the camera.
48:55I love that smile.
48:57You look great.
48:58That looks great.
48:59Good smile.
49:00Good morning.
49:01You look gorgeous.
49:04Something.
49:05Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
49:06Go ahead.
49:07Sometimes it takes a friend to make a picture perfect.
49:09But a picture perfect friendship?
49:11Well, that's just in books.
49:13Yeah, that's right.
49:14You like it?
49:15Yes.
49:15What's the table?
49:17Can't you see?
49:19Isn't she fabulous?
49:21Life's easy.
49:24Big smile.
49:25You're a me, come on, girl.
49:28From another point of view.
49:33Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.