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00:00One night, four ladies in the east met at Compass to discuss going west.
00:04I have to go to San Francisco on a book tour.
00:09You wouldn't go to the Upper West Side.
00:11Suddenly you're going to San Francisco?
00:12They're making me apparently.
00:14I'm very big in San Francisco.
00:16You mean big is in San Francisco?
00:18Okay, yes.
00:19Perhaps I'll see big.
00:21Guys, I need to have sex.
00:23It's been too long lately.
00:24I've been having these dreams where I run.
00:26I run up to complete strangers.
00:30And just start kissing them.
00:32If all you want is sex, you don't have to go across the country.
00:34Just go across the restaurant.
00:35Those guys have been checking us out ever since they sat down.
00:38Oh, cute.
00:40Cute.
00:41Cute.
00:42Boring, boring, and boring.
00:45Like these scallops.
00:46I love the food here.
00:47Same old, same old.
00:48Same old, just opened last week.
00:50Scallops are scallops and bachelors are bachelors.
00:53Sounds to me like you might be experiencing a been-there-done-them existential crisis.
00:57It's not me.
00:58It's New York.
00:58Nothing is ever really new.
01:00In fact, they should change the name to Same York.
01:02You're nuts.
01:03These scallops are fantastic.
01:04And those guys are cute.
01:06You should go say hi.
01:07May I?
01:08No, no, no.
01:09I don't want to say hi.
01:09I want to say, could one of you lie on top of me for a while?
01:12I need to feel the weight of a man on me.
01:16It's times like this I wish women could go to male prostitutes.
01:18Women do.
01:19No, no, no.
01:20Only in bad screenplays and first novels.
01:22That is an incredible investment idea.
01:25We should open a brothel where the men are cute and the sheets are 500-count Egyptian
01:29cotton.
01:30Samantha, you can be the madam.
01:31Well, at least it's something new.
01:33We could put one in every neighborhood, like Starbucks.
01:35Starfuck's?
01:36A place like that doesn't exist in reality because women don't think about sex like that.
01:40It's not an animal urge.
01:41We need to feel things.
01:42We need a connection.
01:44Isn't that right, Carrie?
01:44Nope.
01:45Big is my male prostitute.
01:46I am mixing business with much-needed pleasure, and my relief is just a train ride away.
01:51A train?
01:52Why don't you just fly?
01:53Oh, no, no, no.
01:53Flying makes me nervous.
01:54I get a little uneasy seeing the National Guard go through my makeup case.
01:58Besides, it'll be fun, especially if Samantha goes with me.
02:03Oh, please.
02:04Come on.
02:05It'll be hilarious.
02:06Two gals on a train.
02:08Very some like it hot.
02:09And the whole trip ends with a luxury suite in a fabulous four-star San Francisco hotel.
02:18Why didn't you invite me?
02:19Because Samantha's the only one who's bored enough to do it.
02:22So what time do we leave Sam, York?
02:25I'm gonna get laid.
02:27I'm gonna get laid.
02:32More and more single women of a certain age are looking for a certain thing,
02:36and that certain thing does not necessarily involve a certain ring.
02:42We may have traded the little black book for a little black dress
02:44and replaced the Ferrari with a Fendi,
02:47but in view of certain evidence, I had to wonder.
02:51Are we the new bachelors?
03:00What did Big say when you told him?
03:02I haven't yet.
03:03I'm gonna wait till I get there.
03:04You know, hello, guess where I am.
03:06Very casual, very la-la-la.
03:08No, that's one approach.
03:09I would have called and said,
03:10I'm coming, and I won't be the only one.
03:13I think I'm getting a pimple.
03:14Can you see anything right here above my freckle?
03:18All clear.
03:19Oh, good.
03:20The last thing I need is a big honking zit when I meet my prostitute.
03:23This may be just what I needed if I can stand the train for three days.
03:27Oh, think of it as an adventure.
03:28It's not the destination.
03:29It's the journey.
03:30A journey in adjoining first-class deluxe sleeper berth.
03:35Just be told I've always wanted to take a train.
03:38It's so sexy.
03:38You never know who's going to be getting on and getting me off.
03:42Oh!
03:43Oh!
03:44Hello, sir.
04:06We were supposed to have the deluxe first-class sleeper.
04:09This is the first-class sleeper.
04:11And I suppose the regular class sleeps in what?
04:13A tuna can?
04:14And right here, you have your door to the restroom.
04:22Wait.
04:23You shower over the toilet?
04:29I'm starting to understand why there was a murder on the Orient Express.
04:32And in a far less crowded space.
04:34Oh!
04:35Delivery from Bloom and Goldenblatt.
04:37I thought they'd send a messenger.
04:39Do you know what we would charge you for a messenger to make a 12-block drop?
04:41So, a partner personally delivers my divorce papers?
04:45Sure.
04:45Why not?
04:46I needed the walk.
04:48Okay.
04:48Uh, I was just going to go work out.
04:51But come in.
04:56Ooh, it's hot.
04:58Excuse me?
04:59Outside.
05:00I'm schvitzing like a pudding at a picnic.
05:02Huh.
05:05So, this is the pagoda we've been fighting over, huh?
05:08It's impressive.
05:10I can see why you'd never want to give it up.
05:11Hmm.
05:12Actually, I'm thinking about selling.
05:14After everything we went through to get it?
05:16Well, you know, it's too big for one person.
05:17And I'm just putting the word out.
05:19If anyone hears of any great apartments.
05:20Hey, hey, hey.
05:20I got a buddy who's putting his place on the market.
05:22It may be a little too bachelor for your taste.
05:23Oh, I can change that.
05:24You should have seen this place when I moved in.
05:26It was where plaid furniture came to die.
05:28I could set it up so you could get a first look.
05:31Okay.
05:31Done.
05:32So, uh, let's get you divorced.
05:34Sit.
05:35Inside.
05:50Do you have a handkerchief or something?
05:52You're still sweating.
05:54Oh, sorry.
05:55This never happens.
05:57Oh, thanks.
06:03That's it?
06:04That's it.
06:05You are no longer Mrs. Trey McDougal.
06:08Hmm.
06:10How do you like that?
06:12I like it.
06:17You have some tissue stuck to you.
06:19I'm a fucking mess today.
06:22Hmm.
06:23Somewhere outside of Pittsburgh,
06:25Samantha and I decided to get out of our twin cans
06:27and go for a classic train dinner in the club car.
06:36Oh, this is it?
06:38I thought there'd be white linen tablecloths
06:40and Bing Crosby singing at a piano.
06:46Oh, uh, excuse me.
06:48Table for two, please.
06:49Uh, just sit anywhere that's open.
06:59Oh, sorry.
07:00The train.
07:04Okay.
07:05Oh, excuse me.
07:07Sorry.
07:08Oh.
07:16Hello.
07:17Hello.
07:25I'm eating with the omelet?
07:27Uh-huh.
07:28Are you aware every time we stop, good-looking people get off and more ugly people get on?
07:33Shh. I'm serious. This is the train to ugly.
07:36There isn't one man on this train I'd fuck.
07:38What about you?
07:39Well, don't ask me. I'm horny, and nine hours of train rocking hasn't helped.
07:45Sorry.
07:47If she has a problem, next time she can take a buggy.
07:53Thanks.
07:54How do you think the Zagat guide would rate a place that lists potato chips as an appetizer?
07:58Don't even say potato chip to me. This zit is getting bigger by the hour.
08:02Here, can you see it now?
08:05Let's just say you're starting to look like you belong on a train.
08:08Really?
08:10What can I get you?
08:11A martini and an airplane.
08:12All right. Um, what's safe to order?
08:16The club sandwich.
08:17Uh, and a martini.
08:20Oh, God, I need a big old drink.
08:25Again, sorry.
08:31And speaking of martinis...
08:33A zebra skin rug.
08:35Hey, I talked to you as a bachelor.
08:37But a bar in the bedroom?
08:38Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.
08:40All right.
08:42Ta-da!
08:44Eww!
08:45Mm-hmm.
08:47Ooh.
08:49Well, you seem to know your way around here.
08:51Oh, yeah. I subbed that while I was going through my divorce.
08:53Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:57Surround sound.
08:59I can't believe that men think it takes all this stuff to get a woman into bed.
09:05What does it take?
09:08Charlotte.
09:09What?
09:10I think you are the sexiest woman I ever met.
09:13Harry!
09:14Don't be ridiculous. I'm wearing my glasses.
09:16It makes me crazy when you say my name.
09:19Well, then I'm definitely going to stop saying it.
09:20What a putz your ex-husband must be.
09:22Trey was not a putz.
09:23Was a putz.
09:24If I was lucky enough to have you in my bed, I would never be able to take my hands
09:27off you.
09:28Stop, Harry.
09:29Ever since the first moment I saw you, I can't think about anything else.
09:32I'm like, I'm fucking Romeo over here.
09:35God, it's hot. I'm sweating. Can you open the window?
09:37I fantasize about your lips.
09:40Your perfect pink lips.
09:55Two days, two toilet showers, and too many club sandwiches later.
10:09Hello?
10:10It's me, and it's still bad.
10:11The trip or the pimple?
10:13Both.
10:14I tried to squeeze it somewhere outside Oklahoma.
10:17Here's a helpful hint.
10:18Never give yourself a trained facial.
10:21Got it.
10:22This thing hasn't started to deflate by Colorado.
10:24I'm not even calling big.
10:26Hold on.
10:27Someone who used to be Samantha just came in.
10:29Rumor has it a group of guys not resembling the elephant man just got on and are having a bachelor
10:34party in the bar car dead dressed.
10:36I can't go anywhere with this pimple.
10:38I got on a train for you.
10:40You are going to the bar car with me.
10:44Do I have to go to a bachelor party?
10:47And back in New York, Charlotte found herself sandwiched between some confirmed bachelors.
10:53How can a person have really hot S-E-X with someone they don't even like?
10:58You're spelling sex in a place with a go-go boy on the bar?
11:01I'm serious.
11:02Why?
11:04Oh, my God, Charlotte.
11:06You?
11:06I don't know what happened.
11:07He's my divorce lawyer and I don't even like him.
11:10So?
11:10Some of the best sex I've had is with people I can't stand.
11:12Details!
11:13This is so exciting.
11:14Well, he was showing me this bachelor apartment and I think it was all the leather and music.
11:18Leather.
11:18I get it.
11:19Go.
11:19Suddenly, out of nowhere, we were kissing and then...
11:22Fucking!
11:22Oh, my God, Charlotte!
11:24This is so exciting.
11:25How was it?
11:27Unbelievable.
11:28Cosmos for everyone!
11:29No!
11:30No, it's not good.
11:31I don't want to date him.
11:32I mean, it's not very attractive.
11:33Ugly sex is hot.
11:35No, he's sweaty and pushy and no, no, I could never date him.
11:39But, well, maybe just for the sex.
11:43How does that work exactly?
11:44Okay, listen up.
11:46You have to be very clear about the rules.
11:48It's just sex.
11:49You can't act romantic at all.
11:51You have to talk just sex talk, fuck me, and get out.
11:54Isn't that rude?
11:56No, it's hot.
11:57Hello?
11:58Where's my drink?
12:08Things are looking up.
12:10They are pretty cute.
12:11This blush is worse than the pimple.
12:13I look like I'm in a high school play or something.
12:15Come on, follow my lead.
12:19Hello?
12:28Well, well, well, aren't you boys a sight for sore eyes?
12:36So, what are we drinking?
12:38Uh, light beer.
12:39Oh, we can do better than that.
12:41Sir, a bottle of champagne, please.
12:44I'm sure one of you gentlemen will help me cop my car.
12:49And just like that, we went from some like it hot to some like us not.
12:54I thought I was looking pretty hot.
12:56You are pretty hot.
12:57I'm not according to them.
12:58You okay?
12:58You okay?
13:04Hi.
13:06Uh, excuse me, but what kind of bachelor party is this?
13:11We're not really bachelors.
13:13We're all married.
13:14Except Bri, he's the last one in the gang to bite it.
13:16Yeah, we're taking him to the Giants game in San Francisco.
13:19Yeah!
13:20Well, uh, my friend over there has come on this very long trip as a favor to me, and I
13:26was hoping that one of you fellas could oblige her in a little harmless male flirtation.
13:33We're trying to be good.
13:35I promised our wives.
13:36As far as a pimp, I was a total train wreck.
13:42They love their wives.
13:45You were right, Carrie.
13:47It's not New York that's the problem.
13:49It's me.
13:51I am having an existing...
13:55The midlife thing, you know.
13:58This thing has roots.
13:59And I don't know what I'm going to do.
14:01I mean, I already fuck younger guys, and I don't want to sports.
14:05Oh, God.
14:06Parking in New York is a bitch.
14:08I'm sorry about the train.
14:09This was a terrible idea.
14:11Oh.
14:12It's all my fault.
14:14All because I had to get laid.
14:17There.
14:18Popped it.
14:19All right.
14:21Let's get another body to celebrate.
14:25One very long trip later, Samantha and I dragged our cabooses into a bookstore near the Golden
14:31Gate.
14:32Impressive turnout.
14:33I guess you are big in San Francisco.
14:35Oh, my publisher.
14:36Oh, hey.
14:37You made it in one piece.
14:39Well, that's debatable.
14:41Wow.
14:42I can't believe it.
14:44All these people came to hear me read.
14:46Mom, Carrie.
14:47Yes.
14:47They're not all just for you.
14:49Mr. Winkle's here.
14:51Who's Mr.
14:52Winkle?
14:56He's making an appearance right after you.
14:59You're opening for a dog?
15:01I know.
15:02They had a chance to get Mr.
15:03Winkle, and they jumped at it.
15:04He's huge on the Internet.
15:07Lily, I can't be the opening act for a dog.
15:10What can I say, Carrie?
15:11The West Coast sales rep totally fucked me on this.
15:13Lily, hi!
15:14I had one spot right back.
15:18You know, Maeve...
15:20Oh, thanks, but don't even waste your energy.
15:21You know, go back to the hotel and get in that giant tub and relax.
15:25I'll see you later.
15:26We'll have a meal.
15:27Later?
15:27Aren't you going to call back?
15:29Between the pimple and the puppy, I'm not up for it.
15:31Are you sure?
15:32Yeah, go, go.
15:33Take a long bath.
15:34I may never get out.
15:37Bye.
15:59As I walked home, I couldn't help but wonder, was it Mr. Big, was it New York, or was it
16:07me?
16:11Does anyone have a question?
16:14Yes.
16:14When is Mr. Winkle coming out?
16:17Oh.
16:18Uh, in a mere moment.
16:20So, if there are no other questions about my book.
16:25Uh, yes, I see a hand, but I can't see the man.
16:28Could, um, could you shift?
16:30Sorry.
16:32Yes, I have a question.
16:34Um, this Mr. Big character, does he have a real name?
16:38Uh, yes, but I can't reveal it.
16:41I have to protect his privacy.
16:45I no longer cared about Mr. Winkle.
16:47I had Mr. Big.
16:51Samantha!
16:53Samantha!
16:54I'm taking a bubble bath.
16:57You have to get out.
16:59Big's here.
16:59I need to have sex.
17:00I'm taking a bath.
17:02I got you a smaller room, all to yourself, downstairs.
17:05I can't get in another small room.
17:07Please.
17:08I have to get laid.
17:11Well.
17:14You better fuck him good, because I'm not going to go through this again in another six months.
17:18Can you hurry?
17:19I told him to come up about half an hour.
17:22So, snap it up.
17:23Go faster.
17:23Okay.
17:23Bye-bye.
17:24Thank you, sweetie.
17:24So much.
17:40Hey, you.
17:41So, did you hide the body?
17:43What body?
17:43Or whatever it was you needed to do, they kept me wandering around the hotel gift shop for half an
17:48hour?
17:57Mmm.
17:59I got you some gum.
18:02Big red.
18:03The clerk recommended it.
18:04Wow.
18:06Aren't you something.
18:09Want some?
18:10Sure.
18:27Nice digs.
18:29This will set your publisher back, huh?
18:32Yeah.
18:34You look good.
18:36So do you, kid.
18:38Ooh!
18:39Ooh!
18:40Ooh!
18:41What?
18:42My gum.
18:43Oh!
18:43Please, don't you surprise me.
18:46Oh.
18:47Yeah.
18:48I swallowed it.
18:49Oh, sorry.
18:51Here, let me kiss and make it all better.
18:56How's that?
18:58We better go.
18:59Dinner reservations.
19:00Oh, I'm not hungry.
19:02We have to go.
19:03I promised my partners I'd make a little vineyard connection with the restaurant owner.
19:06So, let's go.
19:07We'll have a nice meal and catch up.
19:11Okay.
19:13So I'm walking through the mall and I see your book.
19:17Wait, you were in a mall?
19:19I live in America now.
19:20You've got to go through them to get to the outside.
19:23Hmm.
19:23Anyway, I pass a bookstore and there you are right in the window next to the real books.
19:28Oh, sir, you are too kind.
19:31Good cover.
19:32Oh.
19:32Cute.
19:33Sexy.
19:34Sexy, huh?
19:35Hmm.
19:36Mm-hmm.
19:36So I go in.
19:37I bought it.
19:39Drove right home.
19:40Sat in my porch.
19:42Lit up a cigar.
19:43And I read it cover to cover.
19:45Porch?
19:46Screen doors and everything.
19:49Well, what'd you think?
19:53I had no idea that I hurt you so much.
19:57I've got to say, it was tough to see it in print.
19:59You've read my columns?
20:00Not all in one sitting.
20:01One reading.
20:02One right after the other.
20:03Bam.
20:04Bam.
20:05Bam.
20:06I really got how much I hurt you.
20:08Oh, come on.
20:09That's fiction.
20:10Fiction.
20:12I embellished.
20:13No, Carrie, some of that stuff really happened.
20:15Word for word.
20:16It's just writing.
20:17It's all in the past.
20:19Let's forget all that and talk about something else.
20:26How's the wine business?
20:28Great.
20:29Yeah.
20:31You know that chapter about my apartment key?
20:33Was I really that big of an asshole?
20:39He was like the city itself.
20:41Cold, infuriating, and exhausting.
20:44Suddenly, it became clear to me, this was not my best laid plan.
20:48See, see, that's what I'm talking about.
20:50When have I ever been cold?
20:51Am I cold?
20:52No.
20:54You're hot.
20:56Very hot.
20:57Well, what about chapter three?
20:58That was all years ago.
21:01Can we please stop talking?
21:07Wait, wait, wait.
21:08What, what, what?
21:09Look, I just don't want you to get hurt again.
21:11I won't.
21:12It's just sex.
21:14Well, according to this book, it is not just sex.
21:16Look, what happened in New York was all my fault.
21:19I didn't read the signs.
21:20You were unavailable and very clear about that.
21:23It was all me.
21:25Now, please, kiss me.
21:28Or at least lie on top of me.
21:31Carrie, I think it's very clear from this book that when it comes to me, you do not have good
21:36judgment.
21:37Now, look at chapter three.
21:38That's fiction.
21:39And it's not even a bestseller.
21:41Here, page 39.
21:42Oh, God, I can't believe this is happening.
21:44Are you involved with someone else?
21:46No.
21:47Oh, it's the pimple, isn't it?
21:48I just don't want to do something here that I'll be sorry for later.
21:53I'm fine.
21:55Look at me.
21:56Put the book down.
21:58And look at me.
22:00I'm fine.
22:02Just fine.
22:05Don't I look fine?
22:07Mm-hmm.
22:10Son.
22:11Let's talk just a little more.
22:13Now, look.
22:14Page 39.
22:21I love making love to you.
22:25No.
22:26That was not love.
22:27That was just sex.
22:30Charlotte.
22:31You are so beautiful.
22:33Your skin is so soft.
22:35So smooth.
22:38And you?
22:40Have a hard dick.
22:42Now, put your pants on and go.
22:48Is that okay?
22:50Whatever you say.
22:55There they were.
22:56The bachelorette and the beast.
22:59What about dinner Saturday night?
23:04Hey, this is just sex.
23:07We're not a couple.
23:08You're just a great fuck.
23:11Is that clear?
23:13Clear.
23:20Hello?
23:21Good morning.
23:22It's your wake-up call.
23:23Oh, what time is it?
23:247.30.
23:25What time did I say?
23:277.30.
23:28Oh.
23:29Okay.
23:35After my wake-up call, I got my real wake-up call.
23:39Thanks to my book, nothing was ever going to happen with Big.
23:48Hey.
23:50Where are you going?
23:51I have two book readings this morning before I head back to New York.
23:56Not so fast.
23:58Come here.
23:59Now?
24:00What about last night?
24:02All that talk.
24:03All those concerns.
24:05Fuck it.
24:06You'll need material for the sequel.
24:09Hmm?
24:13Like that freckle on my face that he once told me he loved.
24:17I could do my best to cover it during the day, but at night, after I washed the city off
24:23my face, there it was, a tiny brown dot near the tip of my lip, and I wondered how something
24:31so small could suddenly seem so big.
24:36There you go.
24:51Luggage in the car?
24:52Car at the curb.
24:53Oh, thanks for doing all that.
24:55So?
24:56How did it go with Big?
24:58We had sex.
25:00Hallelujah.
25:01Yeah, but it was not as simple as I had hoped.
25:03What does that mean?
25:05The question and answer section of this reading is now over.
25:10I'll tell you on the train.
25:11Train?
25:11Get real.
25:13American Airlines, first class, and some value.
25:21I cannot wait to get to New York.
25:24What about the midlife crisis?
25:25Honey, when's midlife?
25:29And sometimes, it's not the journey.
25:32It's the destination.
25:40In this ever-expanding galaxy called New York City, there are certain heavenly bodies one orbits around every day.
25:46And then, there are those stars whose gravitational pull one drifts in and out of over the years.
25:51Is that all there is?
25:52Bobby Fine, satellite friend, piano bar legend.
25:56Is that all there is?
25:57I usually do this number at home in a pink hat's tan and a piggily wig.
26:01Like you've never done the same thing after three daiquiris?
26:04But right now, I must take a quick break to say hello to a celebrity friend.
26:09Is there any other kind?
26:11Little Miss Carrie Bradshaw.
26:13She writes books.
26:15You remember books.
26:16Primitive versions of the DDD.
26:18Stop, please stop.
26:19Okay, one more time for the cheap seats in the back.
26:24Is that all there is?
26:27Yes, that's all there is.
26:33How long have you two known each other?
26:35Oh, let's put it this way.
26:36Cats was just kittens.
26:38Cats, the musical.
26:40Hello?
26:40Oh, I love cats.
26:42Medic.
26:43It hasn't been that long, has it?
26:45Please, darling, when we met, you took aerobics and Stanford had hair.
26:49Bobby?
26:50Well, Betsy, I thought you had a dinner.
26:52Oh, I do.
26:53The driver is circling, but I had to run up and say hello.
26:56Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello.
26:58Betsy Von Muffling, this is Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and the one who liked cats.
27:03Betsy, Samantha Jones, I did PR for your museum benefit.
27:07Ah, Samantha, of course.
27:08I loved you.
27:09I was just so thrown that someone actually liked cats.
27:12Well, I didn't like it that much.
27:14Waiter, sense of humor, table five.
27:16So, Samantha, how are you?
27:18Fabulous.
27:19How are you?
27:19Delirious.
27:20I'm madly in love and getting married.
27:22Oh.
27:23Big, big, big Hampton's wedding.
27:24Oh, congratulations.
27:25Who's the lucky stud?
27:27Me.
27:28Ha!
27:29Ha!
27:35Oh.
27:36Oh!
27:37You're getting married?
27:39Can't you believe it?
27:40Betsy and I are on fiancée.
27:43I finally found the right girl.
27:45Oh.
27:47Mm.
27:48Mm.
27:49Well, Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle before he can tinkle.
27:53And, Samantha, I have your address.
27:54You have to come.
27:55Nice meeting you all.
27:56Bye.
27:56Bye.
27:59I thought he was gay.
28:01Uh, yeah.
28:02Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.
28:03That has to be the gayest sentence ever uttered.
28:05He must be marrying her for the money.
28:06He doesn't need the money.
28:08He was one of the original investors in a chorus line.
28:11Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.
28:15Why would he be getting married?
28:17In 1988, Bobby Fine announced that he was going to sell his piano bar downtown and go volunteer with Nicaraguan
28:25orphans.
28:26The orphans are still waiting.
28:29This wedding will never happen.
28:33It's happening.
28:34Everything's booked.
28:35So the really big question is where are we going to stay?
28:38That's the really big question?
28:40What about why are these two people marrying each other?
28:43Is that all there is?
28:45Well, Bitsy said they were madly in love.
28:46You see, I find the love facade the most offensive part.
28:50We're adults.
28:50We can handle it.
28:51Bitsy should say I'm getting older and I want companionship.
28:54Or Bobby should say the hot men don't go for me anymore.
28:57But don't print up invitations and call it love as if love transforms people and changes molecules.
29:02Because that's bullshit.
29:03I guess you don't want to be my date then.
29:05No dates unless they have summer houses.
29:07Oh, relax.
29:08We can stay with Stanford and Marcus.
29:09I was a fool to break up with Richard before Labor Day.
29:12He has a fabulous house.
29:13I wouldn't go to this charade if you paid me.
29:17It's like there's a pink suede elephant in the middle of the room and nobody's allowed to talk about it.
29:21Do you think they won't have sex?
29:23All married couples stop having sex eventually.
29:26That's not true.
29:27You've had sex with plenty of married people.
29:28That's how I know.
29:30Okay.
29:31Let's say it's companionship.
29:33How do you sustain a relationship without the Zaza Zoo?
29:37The what?
29:37You know, that butterflies in your stomach thing that happens when you not only love the person, but you gotta
29:43have them.
29:44Isn't that what gets you through the years?
29:46Even if it fades, at least you have the memory of the Zaza Zoo.
29:50I'm fine with whatever people want to do.
29:52Just be straight with me.
29:54I think that's how Bitsy proposed to Bobby.
29:56It was right about then Charlotte decided to be straight with us.
29:59I'm seeing someone.
30:01Sort of.
30:02You're in a sort of relationship?
30:04It's ridiculous.
30:05He's so not my type.
30:07Is he heterosexual?
30:09Yes.
30:10But he's bald and short and he talks with his mouth full.
30:15And I don't even want to be seen in public with him.
30:17And I hate his name, Harry, because he is everywhere but his head.
30:20Wow.
30:21Is the sex bad too?
30:23He's the best sex of my life.
30:27I think I might really like him.
30:30You want to go to a wedding in the Hamptons in a few weeks?
30:34Bitsy von Ruffling.
30:35You were invited to that?
30:36Oh yeah, I handle a divorce.
30:37I just never thought of you as a Hamptons type.
30:40I am the Hamptons baby.
30:41I own a house in Bridge.
30:43Well, I can't go.
30:45I'm not really ready for swimsuit season.
30:47What?
30:47You're a fucking knockout.
30:48It's you.
30:49It's your back.
30:50What's wrong with my back?
30:52It's very Harry.
30:54You're not supposed to be able to grab someone's back.
30:56Hey, this is how I was born.
30:58What am I supposed to do about it?
30:59Get it waxed.
31:01I'll tell you what.
31:02You come with me to the wedding.
31:04And I will get my back waxed.
31:06Fine.
31:08Come here, you.
31:09Ah, your hands are all greasy.
31:12Oh, oh, oh, oh.
31:12Ah!
31:15That night, I thought about what it takes to make a relationship work till death do us part.
31:23Most singles have more long-term success with friends.
31:26So maybe it is a better strategy to marry a friend.
31:29However, in the absence of sex, whether that's the arrangement, or just what happens after
31:35a few years, what distinguishes this companion from your many other companions?
31:39When it comes to saying, I do, is a relationship a relationship without the Zaza Zoo?
31:48Or in Samantha's case, how much is a woman due for surviving the Zaza Zoo?
31:53This is Richard.
31:53You have 30 seconds.
31:55I've been thinking.
31:56Our pathetic relationship is as close to marriage as either one of us ever hopes to get.
32:00So I feel I deserve some sort of settlement.
32:02Like, say, a weekend at your house in the Hamptons?
32:05You're not invited.
32:06I'll be having a party.
32:07You're not invited to that either.
32:09Oh, it's Samantha.
32:10Call me.
32:15A couple of weeks later, another couple of exes were working out their summer share.
32:20Hi.
32:22How you doing?
32:23Oh, hey.
32:24Green Brady was just napping.
32:26Oh, I miss napping.
32:29I look down on napping at work.
32:32Oh, it's so hot out.
32:36I was going to give him one more bottle before I left.
32:39I could do it.
32:40I know.
32:41I like it.
32:42It used to be all breast.
32:44Not me and him.
32:45We got our bottle thing.
32:49Did Mark do bring those?
32:52No, I did.
32:53I'm at Skarden in Queens.
32:58Oh, lilacs.
33:01Yeah.
33:03Good flowers.
33:11Miranda wasn't sure if it was the smell of the lilacs, the smell of the baby, or the smell of
33:16Steve's skin.
33:17But that afternoon, Steve went from ex to sex.
33:23I slept with Steve.
33:24Miranda admitted they were somewhere between friends and lovers, somewhere between Manhattan and the Hamptons.
33:29Oh, that's why you decided to participate in the charade.
33:33You're fleeing.
33:33I'm a fucking fugitive.
33:35Literally.
33:36Perhaps it was the Zaza Zoo.
33:38No, it was an itch, which we shouldn't have scratched, because now we're into a gray area.
33:42Not having sex was the only thing holding our relationship together.
33:44Well, you're fleeing to the right wedding.
33:46I think that's the theme.
33:47Seriously, you can't have a kid with someone, and get along, and have great sex, without giving the wrong impression.
33:54That being what?
33:55That you're happy?
33:56Fabulous.
33:58Absolutely.
34:00Yeah, bring them along.
34:02Well, I look forward to seeing you, too.
34:05Oh, this party is going to be amazing.
34:08Strictly A-list.
34:08Are we still invited?
34:09Yes.
34:10But Shitty Pants there is not.
34:12I have to bring him.
34:13I won't be able to find a sitter.
34:14He's ruining my lunch.
34:15He's not ruining my party.
34:17No babies.
34:19Evidently, there's already a party pooper.
34:22Catch him.
34:33Oh.
34:35Carrie?
34:36Yeah.
34:37Hey.
34:38Hi.
34:39Jack.
34:40Burger.
34:40I know.
34:41I remember.
34:41Uh, what's going on here?
34:43Are you, uh, you okay?
34:44Do I need to make a tourniquet out of a hot dog bun and a twig?
34:47And, uh, it's just...
34:49Catch him.
34:50Yeah.
34:50Oh, thanks.
34:53I didn't figure you for a motorcycle guy.
34:55Turns out, I'm not.
34:57I bought it as a reaction to my breakup.
35:00Ah.
35:00It was exactly what I wanted.
35:02A burger with a side of single.
35:05Well, you look good on it.
35:07No, I look good next to it.
35:09On it, I look like this.
35:12In fact, I'm not even really hungry.
35:13I pulled over because a, you know, bug hit my visor and my hands are still shaking.
35:18So you're uneasy, Ryder.
35:21Yeah.
35:24Well, uh, if you make it to the Hamptons, my friend is having a party tomorrow afternoon.
35:29Is it Richard Wright's house?
35:31I heard about that.
35:32Yeah, that's quite a place.
35:33I pass it on the way to my house.
35:36All right, I'm going to get a soda.
35:37My throat's kind of dry from all the screaming inside my helmet.
35:43It's nice to see you.
35:44Yeah, you too, burger.
35:47And maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
35:48Yeah, if you don't, uh, call the highway patrol.
35:52Oh, yeah.
35:57Definitely Zaza's in.
35:58The next morning, Samantha prepared her borrowed beach house for the big bash.
36:03I want half the table set up near the house and the other's near the pool.
36:08Uh, ladies.
36:10Um, Cassandra, did you bring my tote?
36:12Oh, shit.
36:13Where are my merits?
36:13Ladies, excuse me.
36:15Hi.
36:17The waitstaff is to change in the guest cottage down near the entrance.
36:21Aren't you here to waitress?
36:23We go to restaurants.
36:24We don't work in them.
36:25Where's Richard?
36:26Richard?
36:27Well, Richard isn't here.
36:29I've got the house this weekend.
36:31Oh.
36:32Excuse me.
36:34Excuse me.
36:35Where are you going?
36:36Richard told us we could hang by the pool whenever.
36:38Well, you can't pool hang today.
36:40I'm having a party at three.
36:42Oh, we'll be fried by then.
36:44I have no cell reception at all.
36:48Oh.
37:01Miranda brought the kid.
37:02Don't say anything.
37:04I know you didn't want any babies, but he's wearing Ralph Lauren, and I've stuck a cork up his ass,
37:08so it ought to be okay.
37:09This is supposed to be an A-list party.
37:11Then who's the double D-list by the pool?
37:17Ugh, they won't leave.
37:18They say Richard lets them hang out here on weekends.
37:21Fucking freeloaders.
37:22People in glass houses.
37:24I am not freeloading.
37:26I went through a lot with Richard.
37:27And people should be rewarded for not getting married as well.
37:29Frankly, I don't know why you broke up with him.
37:32What's a little lying and cheating compared to a pool with a little cabana?
37:35Uh, did you say no babies or no boobies?
37:39Ooh.
37:42Lady?
37:43Yes.
37:43And Brady?
37:44Yeah.
37:49That is so inappropriate.
37:51Greetings from Silicon Valley.
37:53Shh, people can hear you.
37:55What, like everyone here can't see those tits are fake?
37:57People as far as Quad can see those tits are fake.
37:59Richard, stop saying tits.
38:01And why are you wearing that shirt?
38:03Tropical shirts are out.
38:04This is not tropical.
38:06It's tiki.
38:07Well, please tiki it off.
38:08Ooh, I thought you would never ask.
38:15Oh my God, you're back.
38:17You must have had a bad reaction to the waxing.
38:19Oh yeah, I thought it felt a little itchy.
38:21Ew.
38:21Suddenly, little hair isn't looking so bad, huh?
38:26Harry, woman to woman, the sex is amazing.
38:30I've never had a man make me feel this way.
38:32Oh, why hush, Miss Scarlet.
38:33How you do go wrong.
38:43Well, who ordered the Adonis?
38:46It's Bobby, Bitsy.
38:47This is my boyfriend, Marcus.
38:49For God's sakes, man.
38:50Get yourself to a gym once in a while.
38:52Look at that body.
38:53It's disgusting.
38:55Wow.
38:56I could grate cheese on your abs.
38:58Oh, oh, one large pizza and hold a salami.
39:03Oh, please, put a shirt on before I marry you.
39:09Oh, oh, no.
39:10I haven't touched a carbohydrate in three months.
39:12I've got to fit into that dress.
39:13Hey, please, eat something.
39:15Would you look at her?
39:15She's itsy-bitsy.
39:16Oh, Bobby.
39:18Oh, Bobby, I see the telecarts.
39:19We've got to say hello.
39:20See you all tomorrow.
39:22Okay.
39:22Bye.
39:23Bye.
39:29I swear, and I'm totally serious,
39:32I almost fainted when he mimed grated cheese on the market.
39:36It's so obvious that he wanted him.
39:39Try to keep up.
39:41Bobby is straight.
39:43What is she doing?
39:45Maybe it just makes her laugh.
39:50Can't you wait till we sit down to eat?
39:52It's so crass.
39:53Question.
39:54Is there anything about me today that doesn't bug you?
39:56When people are trying to eat, you should have your shirt on.
39:59And you have sauce on your face.
40:02Now so do you.
40:05Why did she need to tell me the sex was amazing?
40:08Because it is amazing.
40:10She's amazed he's able to get hard without another penis in the room.
40:14Speaking of dicks,
40:15do you think Richard slept with any of those cocoa butter bitches?
40:18No, I'm sure they're just good friends.
40:22Burger.
40:23Oh, God, how do I look?
40:25You look great.
40:26Oh, Jesus, where's the mirror?
40:27Here.
40:30Ta-da.
40:30Oh, great.
40:32All right, put it down.
40:33It's okay.
40:34Thanks for having a pardon.
40:38How long have you had a house here?
40:40Three years.
40:41Moments later, among the butterflies, I felt butterflies.
40:45There's a really nice garden.
40:47So you garden?
40:47No, no, I have been known to hoe, but my ex actually planted the garden so we could enjoy fresh
40:53summer salads.
40:55We didn't quite make it to the summer, so it's more fresh pain than fresh vegetables.
41:00Yeah, I can't really go out there.
41:02Yeah, I know how you feel when I broke up with my ex.
41:04I couldn't bring myself to go within six blocks of his furniture store.
41:08When did you two break up?
41:10Last year, for the second time.
41:11We broke up the first time the year before that.
41:14Oh, you broke up twice.
41:16Way to go.
41:16Yeah, well, we hadn't sufficiently hurt each other enough the first time around, but we definitely took care of business
41:22this time because this time he moved in.
41:24So we had the merging of the things, the dividing of the things, and then the things that are left
41:29behind that you don't want to give back because that seems mean.
41:33And you don't want to throw them away because it's all you have left.
41:36And it just gets harder as we get older because we're not dating wildly inappropriate people anymore.
41:40You know, there's no, uh, glad that's over.
41:43Right, right.
41:44And after every breakup, I tell myself, I'm never doing this again.
41:47It's too hard.
41:47I mean, how many of these things can one person survive?
41:52You know what?
41:52They should institute a helmet law for relationships.
41:55Right, that's, that's excellently put.
41:58Well, thank you.
42:03Well, I should get going.
42:04Uh, it's going to take me six hours to drive the two miles home, so.
42:12Oh.
42:13Oh, my jacket.
42:14Oh, jeez.
42:15Sorry.
42:18Oh, gee, I hope there aren't grass stains.
42:20No, no, no, it's old.
42:23Okay, bye.
42:24Bye.
42:25The man could not get away from me fast enough.
42:28Apparently, it's a short road from commissary to misery.
42:32Oh, oh, oh, are you okay?
42:36Oh, yeah, okay.
42:38Okay.
42:49Perfect.
42:50Perfect.
42:50Everything's going out right on time.
42:52Um, there's no tab in here.
42:54What are you doing in my refrigerator?
42:56It's Richard's refrigerator.
42:58I stopped it.
43:00Did you see any Rice Krispie treats?
43:01Richard usually leaves those around for us.
43:03No, I didn't.
43:05And those lemons are for the drinks.
43:07Drinks I paid for.
43:09Whatever.
43:09And I also paid for the food.
43:11In fact, the only thing at this party that you two actually paid for are your breasts.
43:17Jealous?
43:18Oh, yes.
43:19I'm jealous.
43:20I'm just dying to look like this.
43:24Well, maybe if you did, you'd be out here with Richard.
43:29Snap!
43:43Evidently, people who borrow glass houses shouldn't throw cantaloupes.
43:48The next morning, while Stanford and Marcus had Brady, Miranda and I had brunch.
43:53How about these muffins?
43:54How about these eggs?
43:56How about these napkins?
43:57How about these plates?
43:58How about we married gay guys?
43:59How about maybe now I won't have a choice?
44:01Was it really that bad?
44:03Bye-bye burger.
44:04One minute we were laughing, the next minute he had to get away from me so fast he left skid
44:08marks.
44:08Seriously, I can show them to you.
44:10Jam, please.
44:13I know what I did.
44:14I revealed too much too soon.
44:16I was emotionally slutty.
44:18That's not like you.
44:19It wasn't me.
44:20It was the Zaza Zoo.
44:21It makes me crazy.
44:22It's Yvonne Muffling Fine may have the right idea.
44:25Maybe we should stop looking for a great relationship and settle for a fine one.
44:31I'd marry Steven a second if he were gay.
44:34Oh, everything would be so easy.
44:36So, a gay area is better than a gray area?
44:39Oh, yeah.
44:40More coffee.
44:41You want some?
44:43Great coffee.
44:44Tell me something I don't know.
44:49What?
44:50What?
44:51You did it, Stanny.
44:52Great man, great house, great relationship.
44:56We've all been looking and you actually found it.
45:00Marcus and I haven't had sex since we bought the Cynthia Rowley China.
45:04Thank God, I am so relieved.
45:07It's Yvonne Muffling.
45:09The first time I saw you, I fell in love.
45:12You walked in wearing that red vintage Dior.
45:15Pink elephant in the room.
45:17Do you mind?
45:18I'm listening to the bride and...
45:20Bride.
45:21My dear Bobby Fine.
45:24Something tells me Bitsy isn't doing fine.
45:26And that's the little piece of information she's been von Muffling.
45:31You are there for me in the morning.
45:33There for me at night.
45:35There in the good.
45:36There in the bad.
45:38There in my thoughts.
45:40There in my dreams.
45:42But most of all, my darling,
45:44you are there in my heart.
45:47Forever.
45:49Perhaps we were all much too cynical.
45:51Perhaps somehow, despite the odds,
45:54Bobby and Bitsy had found something real.
45:56I now pronounce you husband and wife.
45:59You may kiss the bride.
46:06One more time for the cheap seats in the back.
46:33Looks like somebody over here is about to dance.
46:39I think you may have solved this one a little short.
46:42Me too.
46:43With a little time and the right astringent.
46:46Who knows?
46:48There's nothing on my face.
46:49Nothing in my teeth.
46:50I'm sure you'll hate my moves on the dance floor,
46:52but that is the risk that every man must take.
46:58What a beautiful night.
47:00It's too bad I blew my only chance at a boyfriend this year.
47:04You want to hold my boyfriend?
47:05Ah, I think I'm going to drown my sorrows in another piece of cake.
47:11And if anybody asks, I had two, not three.
47:24Do you smell that, Brini?
47:26It's Lilac.
47:31Should we call Daddy and tell him I miss him?
47:41Hey, it's me, Steve.
47:42I'm not here.
47:42I have a message.
48:05Do you believe this wedding?
48:09Funny where life has taken us, huh?
48:11I remember when we went to these things just for the free food.
48:14I have dinner rolls in my purse.
48:18There's my song.
48:22And there's my girl.
48:26Whom I love.
48:28In case you had any money writing on it.
48:31Not a penny.
48:35If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing.
48:45Look out.
48:46She's got a piece of fruit.
48:47She's not afraid to throw it.
48:49Can we not talk about that?
48:51Okay.
48:51But we'll be the only ones here.
48:54Look, I'm just glad Brady wasn't the biggest baby at the party.
48:58I guess I went a little crazy being at Richard's house.
49:01Around his party-crashing pussy-pussy.
49:04What do you call Zaza Zoo gone bad?
49:08Zaza, ew.
49:17Then I fell in love with the most wonderful boy in the world.
49:21Oh, Fitzy, honey.
49:23Everything was perfect.
49:24It was.
49:25Oh, except for the dessert.
49:26The top layer of the creme brulee just wasn't hard enough.
49:29Yeah, that's the problem with this wedding.
49:31The creme brulee isn't hard enough.
49:33And then one day, he went away and I thought I would die.
49:38But I didn't.
49:39And when I didn't, I said to myself, is that all there is to love?
49:45I'm not technically crashing.
49:48I was having lunch in town today and for some reason the groom invited me.
49:55Shall we?
50:02Harry.
50:03What, now you want me to wax my eyebrows?
50:06I think I may be falling in love with you.
50:08I've been falling for you since the moment we met.
50:12I never thought.
50:13What?
50:14Come on, you could have any blue-blooded guy here.
50:17I'm...
50:17You're wonderful.
50:19And Jewish.
50:21So?
50:23So, where can this go?
50:25I don't know.
50:27Let's find out.
50:29Charlotte.
50:31I have to marry a Jew.
50:34She can marry a gay guy and you can't marry an Episcopalian?
50:40What do we do now?
50:42I don't know.
50:44Dance.
50:47Apparently, Charlotte had the Zaza Jew.
50:55You're awful quiet.
50:57And I intend to stay that way.
50:59No.
50:59You were fine.
51:01I just wasn't sure if I was up for all that again.
51:05Then I thought...
51:07Then you thought what?
51:09Maybe we should go out on a date before we break up.
51:23When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses and shouldn't throw stones.
51:28Because you can never really know.
51:31Some people are settling down.
51:34Some people are settling.
51:36And some people refuse to settle for anything less...
51:42...than butterflies.