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00:00For most New Yorkers, Manhattan is the center of the civilized world.
00:05But for a privileged few, Manhattan is merely a place to kill time between weekends at their fashionably rustic New
00:12York country homes.
00:14Wow. Yeah, the place looks great.
00:17I was willing to forgo the privilege.
00:18That's the before picture.
00:19Oh, sorry. Whew.
00:22That's the after.
00:24Can I see the before again?
00:26You kind of have to be there to appreciate it.
00:29No, no, I can appreciate it from here.
00:31Well, luckily you won't have to since you're coming up there with me next week.
00:35I am?
00:36Oh, man, I wish I could.
00:38But I have a meeting with my editor in town next week.
00:42That's all right. It's only 40 minutes away.
00:44You take the train in for your meeting and right back out when you're done.
00:48Well, you've just thought of everything, haven't you?
00:51Back your bags, little lady. You're coming to the country with me.
00:57All right, that's Miranda. I gotta go.
00:58We will talk about this later.
00:59Nothing left to talk about.
01:01Yes, there is.
01:03I'll be right down.
01:04I'm coming up.
01:05All right.
01:07See, I'm what you call a bona fide city girl.
01:11I'm a girl about town.
01:12I'm the kind of girl that goes to a late movie in the middle of the week.
01:17I'm crazy.
01:18I know.
01:19Hi there.
01:21Hello.
01:21Hey, could you tell your little pal Steve to call his insurance company?
01:24They can't find him and they still think that I'm his in case of emergency person, so he needs to
01:28update that whole file.
01:30Yeah, I know he wants to talk to you about some stuff, too.
01:34Uh-oh.
01:35Like what?
01:36Some stuff.
01:37Oh, no.
01:38What is he going to tell me?
01:39Now that Jessica's gone, he wants to start seeing me again?
01:42That he can't stop thinking about me?
01:43That he's still in love with me?
01:45Steve's got testicular cancer.
01:48That I'm a horrible, selfish bitch?
01:52Several blocks south, Charlotte also found herself in a compromising position.
01:57Whatever it is you're doing, don't stop.
01:59It's a fertility exercise.
02:02I know a better one.
02:05No, no, not yet.
02:07My basal body temperature reading says I won't be ovulating for another five days.
02:11That's perfect.
02:11That means we have five days of practice to have to get it right.
02:13No, no, we can't.
02:15I need you to conserve your juices until then so they'll be at their most powerful.
02:19Darling, I'm juicy now.
02:21I'm sorry.
02:21It's just we've been trying for three months and I don't want to take any chances.
02:26Can't it wait until Saturday?
02:28We're going to be in Connecticut on Saturday.
02:30We promised mother.
02:31I know.
02:32I was thinking maybe we could stay here and concentrate on this.
02:36She's expecting us.
02:38We miss the orchid show.
02:39She'll be devastated.
02:40Then I guess we'll just have to have sex at your mother's.
02:44People having sex in Connecticut?
02:46It's the first time for everything.
02:53It's no big deal.
02:55The doctor said it's very trendy now.
02:58Lance Armstrong had it.
02:59The Drew Barrymore guy.
03:00Everybody's getting it.
03:01It's the TiVo of cancers.
03:03That's right.
03:04It's no big deal.
03:05He's just got to get in there and snip one of those guys out of there and that's it.
03:08I'm done.
03:08Good.
03:09So then it's stage one, right?
03:11I looked it up on the net.
03:13Yeah, I guess so.
03:14You guess so?
03:15You don't know?
03:17Well, sure.
03:19I mean, stage one, you have the operation.
03:21No, stage one, the cancer hasn't spread to the lymph nodes, has it?
03:26Your doctor gave you an ultrasound, right?
03:29A CAT scan?
03:30You know, I mean, I turned my head, I coughed, he poked around a little.
03:35Who the hell is this doctor?
03:36Has he got a storefront outside Port Authority?
03:38No, he's nice.
03:39I got him through my HMO.
03:41Oh, well, then he must be good.
03:44Steve, look.
03:46I talked to some guys in my office who've been through this.
03:48Oh, jeez, Miranda.
03:49Don't worry, I used a pseudonym.
03:51They gave me the name of a specialist at Beth Israel who I...
03:54Miranda, you don't have to do that.
03:55You don't have to do anything.
03:56I have a doctor.
03:58It's no big deal.
03:59Will you stop saying that?
04:00It is a big deal.
04:02This isn't your crazy yellow toenail, Steve.
04:05This is cancer.
04:06And the longer you wait to find out what's going on,
04:08the longer we even sit here having this conversation,
04:10the more likely it is that the cancer will spread
04:12and that you will die.
04:14It is a big fucking deal.
04:17All right.
04:21I made him cry.
04:22No, first, I yelled at him.
04:24I yelled at my friend, the cancer patient,
04:26and then I made him cry.
04:27Well, it's understandable.
04:29I mean, you just lost your mom.
04:30I'm sure you have a lot of pent-up residual anger.
04:32Maybe, but mostly he was just pissing me off.
04:34Sounds like you needed a good kick in the ass,
04:36which is what you gave him.
04:37You know what you need.
04:38A nice, relaxing weekend with me at Aiden's country house.
04:42You're not actually going, are you?
04:44Well, if by going you mean being taken against my will
04:47and kidnapped, then yes, I'm going.
04:49So enjoy me now, ladies, because this weekend
04:51I'm a Hicktown hostage.
04:53I can't go.
04:54Steve has cancer.
04:55Somebody has to stay in town and make him feel bad about it.
04:58You're at the Connecticut compound?
05:03Oh, come on.
05:04It's like we're living in Paris
05:05and running off to Provence for the weekend.
05:07What is it about the weekends now?
05:09I swear to God, every guy I fuck since Memorial Day
05:12wants to know what I'm doing this weekend.
05:14They just don't get it.
05:15My weekends are for meeting new guys,
05:17so I don't have to keep fucking the old ones.
05:20So that's a no, I guess?
05:21Mm-mm.
05:22I guess I'll have to brave the wilderness on my own.
05:25No, not on your own with Aiden.
05:28And I love Aiden, and Aiden loves the country.
05:31So maybe I'll love the country.
05:33Wait a minute, just because Aiden loves the country,
05:35you have to love it too?
05:36Yes, apparently that's how it works.
05:37I see, you need to pretend to be someone else
05:39to be in a relationship.
05:41No, I believe the word you're looking for is compromise.
05:44It's true.
05:45Trey loves golf, so I'm taking golf lessons.
05:47Trey loves bunnies, so I'm ovulating at the orchid show.
05:50Which Hicktown is it exactly?
05:53It's too terrible and too ironic.
05:58It's Suffern.
06:00It's Suffern, New York.
06:03Well, sounds like you better take some Buffern to Suffern.
06:17Well.
06:24There's a lake right over there.
06:26Oh?
06:26One mile.
06:27Oh.
06:30Oh.
06:34Wow.
06:37Wow.
06:43This floor is all original.
06:44Dates back in 1874.
06:47The plumbing's 1974, so of course it needs some work.
06:52But I put in a hot water heater all by myself.
06:54So what do you think?
06:55As scary as you thought it would be?
06:57No, no.
06:58God, no.
06:59No.
06:59It was scarier.
07:01Oh, good.
07:03Let me stick this stuff in the back,
07:05and I'll give you the grand tour.
07:07I'll be here.
07:19So there I was, trapped in a cabin that was outdated even by Civil War standards,
07:24when I could have been out cocktailing and sample sailing.
07:30Oh, God!
07:31Oh, God!
07:32What is it?
07:32Oh, God!
07:32What happened?
07:33Are you okay?
07:34No, no.
07:35Oh, my God!
07:37There was a huge, giant squirrel in that window right there.
07:41Oh.
07:42Yeah, that's my squirrel.
07:44I've been sneaking little nuts out there,
07:46hoping he'd come make friends, and he did.
07:48You can't be friends with a squirrel.
07:51A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.
07:54Oh, is that right?
07:54That's my squirrel.
07:56Any more wild kingdom surprises I should know about?
07:59Oh, let's see.
08:00Just, uh...
08:02RAAA!
08:07Hours later, we discovered one satisfying way to pass the time in the country.
08:12Just not enough time.
08:15There I was, miles from home, hours from sleep,
08:18with no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and nothing to do except...
08:23Three hours, two mosquitoes, and one too many vodka Kool-Aids later,
08:27I finally found an outlet for my computer, but not my frustration.
08:38Relationships, no matter how good, are inevitably a series of compromises.
08:43But how much of ourselves should we be willing to sacrifice for the other person
08:47before we stop being ourselves?
08:49In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?
08:55Meanwhile, back at the center of the civilized world...
09:01So, what are you doing next weekend?
09:07What'd I say?
09:08Tired of being the wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee girl,
09:12Miranda invited Steve over for tea and sympathy,
09:14or, in Steve's case, Chinese food and chopped sake.
09:17I thought you hated these movies.
09:19Yeah, but you don't, and the guy at Video Village said this one rocks, so...
09:24Hey! You want the last spring roll?
09:26Uh, no, that's yours.
09:28No! I don't want it, you have it.
09:31Oh, shit! They forgot the tea. Did you want tea?
09:34I can make some.
09:35That's it. I'm out of here.
09:37Why? Where are you going?
09:38Home.
09:39You think I want to stay here and be treated like some fucking cancer patient?
09:43What are you talking about?
09:44Since when don't you want the last spring roll?
09:46You usually eat all the spring rolls.
09:47I'm lucky if I see a spring roll.
09:48I'm sorry, I felt bad.
09:50In the park, you obviously needed a shoulder to cry on,
09:53and I was a total bitch to you.
09:55Yeah, and you were.
09:56And you know what? Thank God.
09:58Because now I have a doctor who knows what he's doing.
09:59I scheduled my operation, and I have insurance that's going to pay for it.
10:03So thank you for being a huge bitch.
10:08Give me that spring roll.
10:13The next day at the McDougal's Connecticut compound,
10:16Bunny gave Charlotte a tour of her nursery.
10:19Since my boys have all grown up,
10:21my orchids have become my babies.
10:24And this year, Waxy Hanahan's Chocolate Oncidium
10:27will be no match for my rising sun.
10:29They're exquisite.
10:30I'm pleased you think so, Charlotte.
10:32I repotted this one for you to take home.
10:35Oh, no, I couldn't.
10:36But I insist, a gift in anticipation of the great gift you're giving me.
10:42Oh.
10:44What gift is that?
10:46Why, a grandchild, my dear.
10:48You mustn't be cross with Trey for telling me.
10:51He knows how anxious I am
10:53to have a wee McDougal to carry on the family name.
10:59Couldn't get any sleep at all last night.
11:01The silence out here is definite.
11:03Well, you are in the country.
11:04Then, then I go to take a shower and there's no water.
11:09So now, he's working on the pipes all day.
11:11So, I finally had to leave the house before I dehydrated.
11:16Yes, I'd like a cheeseburger, please.
11:18Large fries and a cosmopolitan.
11:21What?
11:21A strawberry shake, please.
11:23Where are you?
11:24Oh, I'm at the Frozen Cup in Hohokis.
11:27Trying to freaking drive to New Jersey to get cell service.
11:30And, apparently, the only way to get anything to eat in the country is to make it yourself.
11:35And I'm in no mood for Bisquick.
11:37Well, it could be worse.
11:38Winnie's already picking out names in schools for her grandchild, and I'm not even pregnant yet.
11:42She wouldn't even let the cook put shrimp in my omelet this morning.
11:44You have a cook?
11:45How far is my country from your country?
11:48Well, so how is it?
11:49How is the house?
11:50The house?
11:50What house?
11:50He's got squirrels running in and out of there.
11:52It's an animal farm.
11:53Four legs good, two legs bad.
11:55You didn't say that to him, did you?
11:56No, no, no.
11:57He thinks I love it.
11:59I don't even know what I'm doing out here.
12:00You're keeping him company.
12:02Well, I'm trying, but he's out there hoeing.
12:04So?
12:05Try harder.
12:05Go ho.
12:06All right.
12:09So, uh, what are we going to do?
12:13Are we going to be schlepping these railroad ties over to the mud hole?
12:17Yes, ma'am.
12:18All right, yes.
12:19All right, don't hurt yourself.
12:20I'm not going to hurt myself.
12:21All right.
12:22Ready?
12:22Yeah.
12:23There you go.
12:25Oh, shit.
12:25You okay?
12:26Yeah, I'm pulling this mud.
12:29Okay.
12:29Go, go, go.
12:30Oh, crap.
12:32Oh, oh.
12:33Oh, oh.
12:37Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go.
12:39Oh, shit.
12:42Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:44Oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:46Okay, I'm not being helpful anymore.
12:49I think I should get back to the city.
12:53I have that.
12:55Need to get ready for it.
13:00And several showers to take.
13:03Four hours later, I kissed Aiden goodbye,
13:06kicked the mud off my boots,
13:07and had a New York steak with my New York ex.
13:09I tried, I really did, but nature of me?
13:11It's unnatural, and I love being with Aiden.
13:13I mean, there is no one in the world that I would rather be...
13:17I'm sorry.
13:19Is it okay to talk to you about this stuff?
13:20Are you okay?
13:21Yeah, go ahead.
13:21I'm okay.
13:22Okay, good.
13:22I'm glad that we can talk about this stuff.
13:24And listen, if you ever meet someone,
13:26I want you to feel...
13:27I met someone.
13:30Oh?
13:33Well.
13:36Oh, who is she?
13:38If I tell you, you can't tell anyone.
13:41Is she your imaginary girlfriend?
13:45She's an actress.
13:48Willow Somers.
13:49She's not an actress.
13:50She's a movie star.
13:52Did you see that Spy Girl movie?
13:53I thought she was pretty good.
13:55Well, I don't know about that.
13:55I do know she wears many wrong things on the red carpet.
13:58I cannot believe you are dating someone...
14:02Someone named after a tree.
14:04She's really something.
14:05How'd you even meet her?
14:07She came up to me in her premiere thing
14:08and asked for a light.
14:10Said, I have two vices.
14:11Smoking and green-eyed men.
14:13Oh.
14:14She's a smoothie.
14:15We talked.
14:16Had a few...
14:18Went up to her hotel.
14:21Dress comes off.
14:24Red panties.
14:25Kept her high heels on.
14:26I lifted her up.
14:28I put her on the bed.
14:28Okay, that's plenty.
14:29Thanks.
14:31Well, that was about 30 seconds.
14:32I think I did pretty good.
14:34How's the stock market treating you these days?
14:37The thing of it is, I can't get her out of my head.
14:40Uh-huh.
14:41She's crazy about me.
14:43Willow Summers is crazy about me.
14:45Well, someone's crazy.
14:46I'm not kidding, Carrie.
14:47When I walked home from her hotel...
14:49You walked?
14:50Yeah.
14:51I thought, this is something.
14:54There's something here.
14:57Connection.
14:58Yeah, the red panty green-eyed connection.
15:01Fuck.
15:03I think I'm in love.
15:08As I walked off my big dinner,
15:10I realized I'd gone from pretending I didn't hate being in the country
15:13to pretending I didn't hate listening to Big's willow talk.
15:16I may have been back in the city,
15:18but now, I was really suffering.
15:27One thing was clear.
15:29I had to get back to the country.
15:31But this time, I wouldn't rely on the country to provide the entertainment.
15:35I would take the entertainment with me.
15:37Otherwise known as Samantha.
15:39What's next, Samantha?
15:41You've got to be kidding me.
15:43Hey, come on.
15:43We're baking a pie here.
15:45No, you're baking a pie.
15:46I'm just baking.
15:46It's hotter in here than it is outside.
15:49Can't we turn on the air conditioning or something?
15:51One cup of milk.
15:52No, we can't.
15:54There is no air conditioner.
15:57Or milk, for that matter.
15:59What time's the next train?
16:01No, you can't go.
16:03You have to entertain me when Aiden goes to bed in about an hour.
16:05You allured me here under false pretenses.
16:07No, I told you that it was rustic.
16:10Oh, honey, don't kid yourself.
16:11It's a dump.
16:12Hey, Aiden worked very hard on this place.
16:15Do you know he put that hot water heater in all by himself?
16:18With his own bare hands?
16:20Actually, I was wearing gloves at the time, but thanks for the shout-out.
16:25Is it hot in here or is it just me?
16:27It isn't you.
16:30I'm preheating the oven.
16:31It couldn't be any hotter in here.
16:34Or could it?
16:37Who's the farmer with the delts?
16:42Young McDonald?
16:44Yeah, I know.
16:46That's Luke Gilmore.
16:47Came out here from the city after the last big market crash.
16:50Doesn't say much.
16:51Kind of keeps to himself.
16:52So what does he do out here?
16:54Push-ups by the look of him.
17:01Oh, no.
17:02What are you up to, Sammy Jo?
17:04Honey, if we're going to bake us a pie, we're going to need us some milk.
17:16Yoo-hoo!
17:18Anybody home?
17:27You lost?
17:28No.
17:29I'm staying next door and I'm baking a pie from scratch and I suddenly realized I'm fresh out of milk.
17:38Help yourself.
17:55From New York City?
17:57Uh, yes.
17:58But only until I can afford a little farm all my own.
18:06Ever milk a cow before?
18:07No.
18:11Something tells me I'd be very good at it.
18:19Squeeze off the milk with your thumb and forefinger.
18:21Uh-huh.
18:22Then roll down into a fist.
18:24Squeeze and roll.
18:27Squeeze and roll.
18:29Squeeze and roll.
18:31I think I can do that.
18:33Squeeze and roll.
18:35Squeeze and roll.
18:40I usually get a little warning before that happens.
18:44I guess it just takes practice.
18:48Anything else around here need milking?
18:53While Samantha worked up an appetite.
18:55Trey, are you up here?
18:57Charlotte's eggs were ready.
18:58Put the bath.
18:59It's time.
19:00I'm ovulating.
19:01So get out of the tub.
19:03Get into this bed and make love to me right now.
19:07Charlotte, I was just telling Trey how much you remind me of myself at your age.
19:18There you are.
19:19What are you doing in here?
19:20What were you doing up there?
19:22Where?
19:22What do you mean?
19:23What do you mean?
19:24What do I mean?
19:24Your mother was watching you bathe.
19:26She was not watching me bathe.
19:28We were having a conversation while I was in the bath.
19:30Well, I don't know how you were brought up, but that is not acceptable parent-child bath time behavior past
19:36the age of five, even four in some cases.
19:38And if you think that I'm bringing a child into that, that I will be that kind of mother, then
19:42you better think again.
19:43She may have raised you like that, but I am not your mother.
19:48I was raised by a woman named Ava Neal.
19:53She was my nanny.
19:55See, I don't remember ever seeing my mother, ever, except after her tennis lesson and before the cocktail hour when
20:03she would draw me a bath and she would tell me how she spent her day.
20:06So I know, I have always known that you could never, ever be that kind of mother.
20:13It's my ovaries.
20:14I'm ovulating.
20:16You better get to the right.
20:18Okay, but I have to go in the right position, all right?
20:20Don't just wait.
20:21Stop.
20:21Not like that.
20:22I have to get my legs out.
20:33Back in New York, the patient Steve was greeted by a patient Miranda.
20:41Hey.
20:43Hey.
20:44You're up.
20:46How are you?
20:49I'm drunk.
20:52How long have you been here?
20:53Not long.
20:55A while.
20:57Is that okay?
20:58Yeah.
20:59I, um, I talked to the doctor.
21:03Oh, yeah, how is he?
21:05He, uh, he said everything looked pretty good down there.
21:09I told him, frankly, I'd seen better.
21:12Ouch.
21:12Sorry.
21:13Visiting hours are over.
21:14You're going to have to leave now.
21:16Uh, no, I'm sorry.
21:17I don't think so.
21:18Are you a family member?
21:20I'm his in case of emergency person.
21:22It's okay.
21:23Miranda, if you want to go...
21:24Shut up or I'll give you a scrunch bath.
21:2720 minutes.
21:29Drink your juice.
21:36Meanwhile, on his farm, young McDonald had Samantha.
21:49That was good.
21:51You're a man of few words, but they're all the right ones.
21:55What are you doing next weekend?
22:00Look!
22:02I made crust.
22:04Now all we have to do is put apples in and it's pie.
22:07Look at that.
22:08No, no, no, you don't understand.
22:10The only thing that I have ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess and several little fires.
22:15So, come on.
22:15You feel like peeling some apples?
22:17Uh, I feel like taking a shower.
22:19Now?
22:20Oh, no.
22:21Come on, you've been outside all day.
22:22I've been cooped up in here.
22:24Look, we'll do it together.
22:25It'll be fun, all right?
22:27Hmm.
22:28Ah!
22:29Oh, God!
22:30Oh, God!
22:30Oh, God!
22:31Damn it!
22:32Oh, God!
22:33Are you okay?
22:34No, I am not okay!
22:36I burned my legs!
22:39And I...
22:41God!
22:42I hate that squirrel.
22:44I hate this oven!
22:46I hate this!
22:49House, just say it.
22:50You hate the house.
22:51I hate the house.
22:53Well, I'm sorry.
22:54I just...
22:56I just...
22:57I don't belong here.
22:58I don't know where anything goes.
22:59I...
23:00I burnt my legs.
23:02It really hurts.
23:03Yeah.
23:05Jump up here.
23:06Come on.
23:07Ah!
23:10Where is...
23:11Oh, there it is.
23:13Oh.
23:16Oh.
23:19Is that better?
23:22Huh?
23:24I'm sorry.
23:27I don't hate the house.
23:30I hate the squirrel.
23:32The squirrel's not so bad.
23:35House.
23:36It'll get better.
23:38You'll see.
23:39Maybe from now on,
23:40I should just come up on the weekends.
23:42Yeah.
23:43Or every other weekend.
23:46I don't have to come at all.
23:48Okay.
23:57Weekends are good.
24:10One slow train ride
24:12and two fast food apple pies later.
24:14These are surprisingly delicious.
24:16I know.
24:17Why would anybody go to the trouble
24:19of making one
24:19when you can buy one
24:20that's so perfect
24:21and individually sized?
24:23Wait a minute.
24:24Hold still, sweetie.
24:25What?
24:28Souvenir?
24:29Please.
24:29I am never leaving this city again.
24:32Taxi!
24:34Actually, the country's looking pretty good
24:35to me right about now.
24:37Really?
24:38So you'll be back next weekend?
24:39Um, not next weekend, no.
24:42So when are you going back?
24:45You want to finish that pie?
24:48In the end, of course,
24:49Aiden and I compromised.
24:51He spent money on air conditioning,
24:53and I spent enough time in Suffern
24:55to realize that city girls
24:57are just country girls
24:59with cuter outfits.
25:04There are a million reasons
25:06to celebrate in New York City.
25:07Steve no longer having
25:09Pesticular Cancer
25:10was just one of them.
25:12I only have one ball left.
25:18I don't care who wins.
25:19It's me and you
25:20after this, buddy.
25:21Great!
25:22It all comes down
25:23to just one little ball.
25:26Who wants a beer?
25:28Hey, oh, ow!
25:29Hey!
25:34Samantha?
25:39One ball?
25:41One ball?
25:42I'm sorry.
25:43I wasn't thinking.
25:44Was he upset?
25:45Embarrassed, I think.
25:46There's nothing to be
25:46embarrassed about.
25:47He's still got one.
25:48Oh, Miranda,
25:48they come in a set
25:49like earrings.
25:50Oh, he's doing great.
25:51If it were me,
25:52I'd be sitting at home
25:52all the depressed.
25:53Explain that to me.
25:54Tell me why you'd be depressed
25:55if you were perfectly healthy
25:56but had to go through life
25:57without balls.
25:59Well...
25:59I was talking to Aiden.
26:01Well, maybe it's bullshit
26:02but I might feel
26:03like less of a man
26:04or something.
26:04A couple of hanging glands
26:06has nothing to do
26:06with making somebody a man.
26:08She's right.
26:08I once went out
26:09with this guy,
26:10the biggest balls
26:11I've ever seen.
26:12Complete pussy.
26:13How big?
26:14Huge.
26:15I could barely fit
26:15one in my mouth.
26:18Welcome to my world.
26:19The irony is that
26:20I don't think women
26:21care that much
26:22about balls.
26:23I know I don't.
26:24Do you, Carrie?
26:26Except for yours, darling.
26:27I'm very into yours.
26:28I have never met a man
26:30who wasn't into his balls.
26:31Oh, yeah, baby.
26:32That's it.
26:33Grab my big balls,
26:34lick them, pull them.
26:36You pull the balls?
26:37Mm, mm.
26:38They like it.
26:39Well, I went out
26:40with this guy.
26:41I'm sure you did.
26:41Wait.
26:42Please let her finish.
26:43She's done.
26:44Now, I'm thinking,
26:46balls are to men
26:47what purses are to women.
26:49It's just a little bag,
26:50but we'd feel naked
26:51and cuddled without it.
26:53Samantha Jones.
26:55Hey.
26:57How are you?
26:58Great.
26:59Uh, everyone,
27:00this is, um...
27:02Alan.
27:03Alan Janis.
27:03Alan Janis, right.
27:05We...
27:05Fucked.
27:06Fucked, right.
27:07I knew I knew you.
27:09How the hell are you?
27:11Not bad.
27:12Just designed
27:12the new Richard Wright Hotel.
27:13I've been trying
27:14to get a meeting
27:15with him for months.
27:16He was doing his PR.
27:17I think he's talking
27:18to Brad Rose.
27:19Oh, he's a hack.
27:20Get me a meeting?
27:21I'll do what I can.
27:22Good seeing you.
27:24Alan.
27:25I know.
27:30And up on Park Avenue,
27:32a different reason
27:33for celebrating.
27:33So I told him,
27:34when I hire a contractor
27:35to do a job,
27:36I expect him
27:37to finish on time.
27:38Good, honey, good.
27:39You know,
27:40sometimes they just need
27:40to hear it from a man.
27:42A little more mooshu,
27:43my mooshu.
27:44So I saw my doctor today
27:45and I told her
27:46how frustrated we were
27:47that we weren't pregnant yet.
27:49One time?
27:49And she said
27:50that the easiest thing
27:51to do would be
27:51to test your sperm.
27:54Charlotte,
27:56I'm eating.
27:57Is it too much
27:58to ask to have
27:59my mooshu
27:59without a side of sperm?
28:01Why are you getting
28:01so mad?
28:02We're just talking.
28:03Hells bells.
28:03It's only been
28:04three months.
28:05And why would you
28:06just leap to the conclusion
28:07that the problem is me?
28:08I'm not leaping
28:09to anything.
28:10It's just easier
28:11to test the man first,
28:12less invasive.
28:13I'm sure your sperm
28:15is fine.
28:15No,
28:15it's better than fine.
28:17It's fantastic.
28:18This little subject matter
28:20has put me right off
28:21my dinner.
28:21Excuse me.
28:22Trey.
28:25Honey.
28:25Not now.
28:31Do man.
28:33Do man what?
28:34Like I'm pulled.
28:36I don't know.
28:37Do you?
28:40Do I what?
28:41Like I'm pulled.
28:42How do I know?
28:44Well,
28:44why don't we give
28:45a little tug and see?
28:47You want to give
28:47a little tug?
28:51Tug.
28:52Huh?
28:55You're going to do
28:56it too hard.
28:57No.
28:58All right.
29:06You can say it
29:07by the bell.
29:10Red child's in pain.
29:11How can we hurt you?
29:13Hello?
29:13Oh, hey.
29:14Hey, man.
29:15It's me.
29:16Sorry to be calling
29:17you this late.
29:18Is Carrie there?
29:19Yeah, just a sec.
29:21Who is it?
29:23Hello?
29:23It's me.
29:24I need to talk to you.
29:26Oh.
29:26Well,
29:27it's really not a good time.
29:28We're about to go to bed.
29:29It's important.
29:30Willow is totally
29:31fucking with my head.
29:32Please.
29:33All right.
29:35He's having girlfriend problems.
29:36I'm going to be just a minute.
29:41Apparently,
29:42dating a movie star
29:43makes you as crazy
29:44as dating anyone else.
29:45What's the problem?
29:46She's in town.
29:47She's at the Mercer.
29:48We were supposed to
29:49get together tonight.
29:49She hasn't gone back to me.
29:50Well,
29:51did you call her?
29:52Yes,
29:53I called her.
29:53I called all five
29:55of her numbers.
29:56She never answers.
29:57See,
29:58here's the thing.
29:59See,
30:00she can reach me,
30:01but I can't ever get her.
30:03Maybe she never got your...
30:04No,
30:04no,
30:04no,
30:05you don't get it.
30:06She can reach me,
30:07but I can't get her.
30:10Ever.
30:11How fucked up is that?
30:12I don't know.
30:13Very.
30:15I thought everything
30:16was going great.
30:17It was.
30:17I mean,
30:18I flew out to L.A.
30:19to take her to that
30:20MTV award thing.
30:21I better start
30:22feeling sorry for you soon.
30:23And then she totally
30:24dissed me.
30:25I was following her
30:26around like a goddamn dog.
30:32Listen to this message
30:33you left me.
30:34Oh,
30:34I gotta go to bed.
30:36Wait,
30:36wait,
30:36listen,
30:36listen to this,
30:37listen to this.
30:44New York state of mind?
30:49It's Billy Joel.
30:50We love that song.
30:52Good night.
30:53Should I call her again?
30:54No.
30:55Good night.
30:59I'm sorry.
31:01So,
31:01you still want me
31:02to give him a little pull?
31:03No.
31:05Why don't you take
31:05the phone in there?
31:07Because I know
31:07you don't like him
31:08calling here,
31:09so.
31:09Carrie,
31:10you tell me
31:10nothing's going on,
31:12then nothing's going on.
31:14I mean,
31:14you don't gotta run
31:15in a closet.
31:16Well,
31:16I didn't run,
31:18and I went in there
31:19because I know
31:20how uncomfortable
31:21it makes you.
31:22How uncomfortable
31:22it makes me
31:23or you?
31:24Me,
31:25yes,
31:25I'm uncomfortable.
31:27I don't want you
31:28to feel threatened.
31:29You think I'm
31:29threatened by him?
31:30No,
31:31not threatened.
31:32I could take him.
31:34Who said anything
31:35about taking him?
31:36I'm just saying.
31:37It's like the time
31:38Batman and the Green Hornet
31:39got in a fight.
31:40Everybody expected
31:40Batman to win
31:41because he's got
31:42the gadgets
31:42and the cape and shit,
31:43but the Green Hornet
31:44had the moves.
31:45See,
31:45I'm the Green Hornet.
31:46I got the moves.
31:47Plus,
31:48I got Pete,
31:48and he's like Kato.
31:50Aren't you, boy?
31:51Hey, Petey,
31:51come here, boy.
31:52Come here.
31:53Who's your buddy?
31:53Who's your buddy?
31:54He's coming!
31:55He's coming!
31:56He's coming!
31:56He's coming!
31:57What do superheroes
31:59have to do with it?
32:00I have no idea.
32:01It's a guy thing.
32:02All I know
32:02is that in order
32:03to deal with Big,
32:04he had to turn himself
32:05into the Green Lantern.
32:06Hornet.
32:07I don't care
32:08if he's the Green Bee.
32:09I just wish
32:09there was a way
32:10for Aiden to really
32:12understand that
32:12he has nothing
32:13to worry about.
32:15Maybe I should
32:16try to get Big
32:17and him and me together.
32:18Did you have
32:18a big plate of crazy
32:19for lunch?
32:20We could all talk,
32:21and Aiden could see
32:22once and for all
32:23that I love him,
32:24and Big and I
32:25are just friends.
32:26Carrie,
32:27I don't know.
32:27Seriously,
32:28keeping my relationship
32:29with Big in the closet
32:30only makes things worse.
32:31These are guys.
32:32They don't talk,
32:33they fight.
32:33They can't help it.
32:34It's all that
32:35crazy testosterone.
32:36God bless it.
32:38We're having
32:38Trey's sperm tested.
32:41Is it not doing
32:42well in school?
32:42We were discussing
32:43it over dinner
32:44last night,
32:44and he just blew up.
32:46One minute,
32:46he was perfectly happy.
32:47The next minute,
32:48furious.
32:49At time of the month?
32:50It's a side of Trey
32:51I've never seen.
32:52It's about the sperm.
32:54What is it
32:55with that area?
32:55It's like a minefield.
32:56I spent the afternoon
32:58thinking about my friends.
33:00Body image depression,
33:01unpredictable mood swings,
33:03late night phone calls
33:04obsessing about a relationship.
33:06Did I mention
33:06these are my male friends?
33:08So,
33:09maybe men and women
33:10aren't from different planets
33:11as pop culture
33:11would have us believe.
33:13Maybe we live
33:14a lot closer to each other,
33:15perhaps dare I even say it,
33:16in the same zip code.
33:18In view of current circumstances,
33:20I couldn't help but wonder,
33:22are men
33:22just women with balls?
33:24Look at that.
33:25Look at what?
33:26That dog sack.
33:27No thank you.
33:30Did you know
33:31you can't enter a dog
33:32in a dog show
33:33if you've only got one ball?
33:34Where did you hear that?
33:36Around.
33:38They even make
33:39fake dog balls.
33:43They make them
33:44for humans too.
33:48I'm thinking about getting one.
33:49No, Steve, no.
33:50Why would you do that?
33:51Why not?
33:52Women get breast implants
33:53all the time.
33:54Steve, trust me.
33:55I've been to the area
33:56and I swear to God,
33:57I wouldn't know
33:58if you had one or four.
34:00But I know.
34:01Every time I look down
34:02at my nuts,
34:04correction, nut,
34:07I look all lapsed.
34:09Women don't care.
34:10We care about
34:12nice arms,
34:13great eyes,
34:14big dick.
34:15I have never once
34:16heard a woman say
34:17he had such a big,
34:18full scrotum.
34:21I made an appointment.
34:22I'm talking to the doctor.
34:23Can you go with me?
34:25Where, testicle shopping?
34:30Samantha finally got her meeting
34:32with hotel magnate Richard Wright.
34:34Smart,
34:34tough,
34:35a real ball buster.
34:37Well, I've enjoyed meeting you.
34:38But truth be told,
34:40Ms. Jones,
34:40your resume's all fluff.
34:42Fluff?
34:43It's just parties
34:44and social events.
34:44What is it that you do
34:46in your hotels?
34:48Nuclear efficient.
34:55I admit I'm intrigued.
34:57If I wasn't,
34:58you would have been down
34:59in the lobby
34:59having a cappuccino
35:00ten minutes ago.
35:02Here's an idea.
35:03I'm talking to Brad Rosen.
35:05Maybe you two can get together
35:06and share the work.
35:07Five hotels,
35:08it's a big job.
35:09I know it's a big job.
35:11That's why I'm still here
35:12and not down in the lobby
35:13having a cappuccino.
35:15I appreciate your offer,
35:16but I don't need a partner.
35:19Read between the lines,
35:21Ms. Jones.
35:22I deal with a lot
35:23of business men.
35:26What are you saying?
35:28That business men
35:29would be more comfortable
35:31dealing with a woman
35:31if she were working
35:32next to a man?
35:33You have a lot to offer.
35:35You might want to consider
35:36working with a partner
35:37who isn't so...
35:39emotional.
35:41Emotional is just code for
35:42I don't want to hire a woman.
35:44Exactly.
35:45They're that way at my firm, too.
35:46They think you're going to cry
35:47over a legal brief.
35:48Well, have you ever
35:49cried over a brief?
35:49Certainly,
35:50but only in the privacy
35:51of my own office.
35:52I cried once at the gallery,
35:53once in ten years,
35:55and from that day on,
35:56it was careful.
35:57Don't make Charlotte cry.
35:58I have never cried at work.
35:59I fake cried to my editor
36:01when I missed a deadline.
36:02I told him I was having
36:03a bad time at home,
36:04but really,
36:05I was having a good time
36:06in the Hamptons.
36:07Well, that makes
36:08the rest of us look bad.
36:09Oh, boo-hoo.
36:10It was 80 degrees and sunny.
36:11A guy gets angry
36:12in a meeting.
36:12He's a pistol.
36:13A woman?
36:13She's emotional.
36:14If I'd say anything like,
36:15I don't think that's
36:16hung high enough.
36:17They say, ooh, careful.
36:18Don't make Charlotte cry.
36:19What does he think
36:20I'm going to, too?
36:20Get my period
36:21and ruin his empire?
36:22Yes.
36:23Men?
36:24Wait, let me rephrase that.
36:25Some men.
36:26Good move, counsel.
36:27That will look much better
36:28on the court transcripts
36:29at this dinner.
36:29Some men are threatened
36:30by strong businesswomen,
36:32and they have to find a way
36:33to make her be
36:33just a woman again.
36:34Hence, you're too emotional.
36:36Hence yet.
36:37Well, I'm going back
36:38in there, guns blazing,
36:39cool, calm, collected.
36:41I'm going to impress
36:42that arrogant motherfucker
36:43so much,
36:43he's going to beg me
36:44to take the job.
36:45Just don't cry.
36:46Once.
36:46Once in ten years.
36:47Well, if this chickie's
36:48got a runner,
36:49I'm going to miss
36:49my ride with Aiden,
36:50and then I'm going to
36:50have to take mass transit
36:51to the country.
36:52Then there'll be some tears.
36:53The next day,
36:54while Aiden was tearing
36:55down the old shed,
36:56I was tearing through
36:57the new InStyle
36:58with Big's big movie star
37:00on the cover.
37:05Hello?
37:06Hey.
37:07It's me.
37:08What's the matter?
37:08You sound terrible.
37:10I hope you don't mind
37:10my calling.
37:11I got the number
37:11off your machine.
37:13Where's area code 845?
37:15Upstate.
37:15We're in the country.
37:16On a Thursday?
37:17We're taking a long
37:18weekend.
37:19What's wrong?
37:21She broke it off.
37:23She said she never
37:24wants to see me again.
37:26Oh.
37:27I'm so sorry.
37:28I don't even know
37:29what I did.
37:30She won't return my calls.
37:32See, see.
37:33She can reach me,
37:35but I can't get her.
37:36You mentioned that.
37:41Well, she's crazy.
37:42I'm telling you,
37:43she has the eyes
37:44of a crazy person.
37:45Man, I was such a jump.
37:47I really put myself
37:49out there,
37:49and she dropkicked me
37:52right in the fucking heart.
37:55When are you coming
37:56back to the city?
37:57Monday.
37:58Not till Monday?
38:02Fuck.
38:08Well, I would,
38:09I'd invite you out here,
38:10but it's just so far away.
38:12How far?
38:14It's 40 minutes.
38:15You know,
38:15if there's no traffic,
38:16but with the weekenders
38:17and everything,
38:18I don't know,
38:19an hour,
38:19maybe even two.
38:20It's Thursday afternoon.
38:21Yeah, don't you have to work?
38:23I have to see you.
38:24I'll get my jag
38:25out of the garage.
38:26Maybe the drive
38:26will do me good.
38:27Uh-huh.
38:28I'll come up for an hour.
38:29We'll talk,
38:30and then I'll head home.
38:31Uh-huh.
38:32How do I get there?
38:33Let me get a pen.
38:44Hey, darling.
38:46We gotta close these windows up.
38:47It's gonna rain.
38:49Did I hear the phone ring?
38:51Uh-huh.
38:53Who was it?
38:55It was Batman.
38:57I invited him up.
39:00I didn't mean to.
39:02I just got trapped.
39:05That crazy movie star lady
39:06broke up with him.
39:07He's devastated.
39:08He has no one else to talk to.
39:10And before I knew it,
39:11I was telling him
39:11to make a right
39:12at the sign
39:12for Farm Fresh Summer Squash.
39:14I don't want him in my house.
39:15I totally understand.
39:17Look,
39:17he's gonna come up here
39:18and we're gonna have a quick talk
39:19and then he's gonna go
39:20right back to the city
39:21where he belongs.
39:22Look.
39:25Hey.
39:26You're my man.
39:28And I love you.
39:32He's just a friend and team.
39:35I would never do this,
39:37but he's really hurting.
39:38Come on.
39:39Haven't you ever had a girl
39:40break your...
39:44Well,
39:45he better be fucking upset
39:46when he gets here.
39:47There better be tears.
39:52Let's go, Pete.
39:56He's got some balls
39:57coming up here.
40:00The prosthesis approximates
40:02the weight, shape,
40:03and feel
40:04of a normal testicle.
40:05Squeeze it.
40:10Oh.
40:11I'm sorry.
40:13I dropped the ball.
40:19Now,
40:19it comes in four sizes.
40:21Extra small,
40:21small,
40:22medium,
40:22and large.
40:24Well,
40:24I'd be a...
40:27Jeez,
40:27um,
40:28Miranda,
40:29what would I be?
40:32Um,
40:34medium?
40:35Yeah,
40:36I was thinking large.
40:38Well,
40:39I'm really not an expert.
40:41large,
40:42then.
40:44Medium.
40:46Really?
40:47A large medium,
40:48Steve.
40:49Now,
40:49to get this model,
40:50you have to enroll
40:51in a clinical trial
40:52for market clearance.
40:53Excuse me?
40:54It's not approved yet.
40:55It's still being tested
40:56for safety.
40:57No.
40:58Steve?
40:59No.
41:00I assure you,
41:01it's perfectly safe.
41:03He says it's perfectly safe.
41:05That's what they said
41:06about the Ford Pinto.
41:07Think about it,
41:08Steve.
41:08You want a Pinto
41:09near your penis?
41:16And in a different
41:17urologist's office
41:18at the exact same time...
41:22Hi.
41:23Is everything okay?
41:24The nurse said
41:25you wanted to see me.
41:26I'm afraid our old problem
41:28has reared its ugly head.
41:29Can't seem to rise
41:31to the occasion.
41:32Well,
41:32let's not assume
41:33it's the same problem.
41:35Here.
41:35I bought you this.
41:38Jugs?
41:38I know how much
41:39you like them.
41:41You knew I'd have a problem.
41:42No, no.
41:43I just came prepared.
41:45Look.
41:47She's got big boobs.
41:50Well,
41:50so does she.
41:52It's the big boob
41:52bonanza issue.
41:53It's not that.
41:54It's...
41:55What, honey?
41:57I'm afraid to.
41:59I don't think
42:00I can handle
42:01another problem
42:01in that area.
42:05Don't you worry,
42:07Trey McDougall.
42:08I'm sure that you have
42:10very strong
42:11Scottish sperm.
42:13And if you don't,
42:14we can just
42:15spin them
42:17and whip them up
42:19and do whatever
42:20it is you
42:20sexy doctor
42:21types do.
42:23That's good.
42:23Yeah?
42:24Mm-hmm.
42:25Yeah,
42:26I keep doing that.
42:27Mm-hmm.
42:30Do that thing
42:31I like.
42:31Which thing?
42:33You know,
42:34give a little tug.
42:35Ah.
42:36Turned out,
42:37Trey's Scottish sperm
42:38was fine.
42:39No,
42:39better than fine.
42:41Fantastic.
42:42Where's the cup?
42:43Well,
42:43I have to admit,
42:44you're the best person
42:45for the job.
42:46but I'm not
42:47going to hire you.
42:49Give me one
42:50legitimate reason
42:51why not.
42:52Do I have to say it?
42:53Yes.
42:55I'd like to hear
42:55the words
42:56come out of your mouth.
42:57Okay.
42:58You slept
42:59with my architect.
43:00Turns out
43:01Samantha was wrong.
43:02Men do talk.
43:03And I don't
43:04want to get into all that.
43:05Into all what?
43:07It happened
43:08a hundred years ago.
43:09I barely know the guy.
43:11And how does
43:12my personal life
43:13affect your business?
43:14I think
43:15the more accurate
43:16question would be
43:16how does your
43:17personal life
43:17affect your business?
43:20It's too bad.
43:21Other than that,
43:22you had the job.
43:27You know what?
43:29If I was a guy,
43:30you would have
43:31shaken my hand,
43:32bought me a scotch,
43:33and given me
43:33a key to an office.
43:35It's amazing.
43:36A man with such
43:36innovative vision
43:37can be so short-sighted.
43:42Miss Jones,
43:43wait.
43:43But Samantha
43:44couldn't wait.
43:44she could feel
43:45the tears
43:45building up
43:46inside her.
43:47Oh, come on.
43:47Wait, not so fast.
43:51Miss Jones.
43:55The next day,
43:57Richard Wright
43:57hired Samantha.
43:59He told her
44:00he admired her balls.
44:03When Big
44:04still hadn't arrived
44:05two hours later,
44:06I was secretly praying
44:08he had missed
44:08the sign
44:09for farm-fresh
44:09summer squash.
44:12Then there it was,
44:13the Batmobile.
44:26Maybe he doesn't
44:27want to come in
44:27and meet your dad.
44:46What are you doing
44:47just sitting here?
44:48Waiting for you.
44:50Why didn't you come in?
44:55I don't want to go in.
44:57Let's go have a drink
44:58or something.
44:59Like a drink where?
45:00At a yield
45:02country lemonade stand?
45:07I can listen to that.
45:12Come on,
45:13turn off the car
45:13and come inside.
45:14We'll talk,
45:15all right?
45:24Is he in there?
45:26Yes.
45:28I can't talk about this
45:29in front of him.
45:30Yes, you can.
45:31And you better.
45:33So come on,
45:34let's go.
45:35Come on.
45:37Oh, shit.
45:40An hour
45:41and two bottles
45:42of red wine later,
45:43Big started talking.
45:44Unfortunately,
45:46it was mostly to himself.
45:47Her liver's skin.
45:49A product of
45:50vegan diet discipline.
45:53Vegan diet bullshit.
45:56All right.
45:57Give me a magazine.
45:57No, no, wait, wait, wait.
45:58Listen to this one.
45:59I'm looking for
46:00that someone special.
46:03She's not looking
46:04for anybody.
46:05Bullshit.
46:07Any more wine?
46:09Nope.
46:16Let's go have a drink
46:17and a smoke sometime.
46:21Hey, you can't smoke
46:22in the house.
46:23Huh?
46:25You can't smoke
46:26in the house.
46:28That's cool.
46:30Guess I better head back.
46:35Thanks.
46:45Hey, what do you think
46:53you're doing?
46:53You can't drive.
46:54Call my driver.
46:55We're an hour
46:56outside New York.
46:57I'm in a New York
46:59state of mind.
47:01Seen all the movie stars.
47:03All right,
47:04you have to sleep
47:04on the couch.
47:04I better not.
47:06He doesn't want me here.
47:11You can't drive.
47:13Sleep on the couch.
47:17That's cool.
47:21After the ball plan
47:22backfired,
47:23Miranda took Steve
47:24out to dinner
47:24to lift his spirits.
47:26Here's the book
47:27I was telling you about.
47:28A Positive Outlook
47:29to Healing.
47:33Steve,
47:34I'm starting
47:34to hit my limit.
47:35I know.
47:36Um,
47:37I just,
47:39I was just really
47:39counting on that
47:40fake ball.
47:43Just every time
47:44I look down there,
47:44I feel...
47:46What?
47:49This may be hard
47:50for you to understand,
47:52um,
47:55but who's gonna fuck
47:56a uniball bartender?
48:05Miranda realized
48:06the one thing
48:06she could do
48:07to help Steve
48:07didn't involve
48:08books or balls.
48:09take notes.
48:35Uh...
48:35Uh...
48:41What's that pounding?
48:44Aiden's shooting hoops.
48:48Isn't it a little early?
48:50You have to go out there and make friends with him.
48:57What are you talking about?
49:02We're middle-aged men.
49:03We don't make friends.
49:04We have nothing in common.
49:05You have me in common.
49:07And if you and Aiden don't become at least a little friendly,
49:09I'm not going to be able to stay in your life.
49:17How do I do this?
49:22You're a guy. He's a guy. There's a ball.
49:24Figure it out.
49:48Hey, man.
49:51I'm sorry about last night.
49:53I guess I got a little drunk.
49:56I didn't mean to come up and ruin your weekend or anything.
50:02Play hoop, huh?
50:03Here, why don't you give me a shot?
50:04I play a little.
50:11A little muddy.
50:12I guess I saw that rain, huh?
50:23Watch it, man.
50:24That was a little hard.
50:25That wasn't that hard.
50:42There they were.
50:43Batman, Batman, and the Green Bee.
50:45Hey!
50:47Stop!
50:48Stop it!
50:51Stop it!
50:53Stop it!
50:54You're middle-aged!
51:01That dog just bit my ass!
51:03Hey!
51:04And just like that, Kato stopped the fight.
51:16And the thing is, see, she could reach me, but I could never get her.
51:25Day or night, whenever, she could reach me, I couldn't get her.
51:31See?
51:32That's fucked up.
51:33Yeah.
51:34Yeah.
51:35Somehow, the storm had passed, and I never fully understood why.
51:40Okay, maybe men and women don't live in the same zip code, but we're moving closer.
51:47Good exit.