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00:07Someone once said that when one door shuts, a window opens.
00:11Big and I had shut our door, but our window was open and blowing a great breeze.
00:21People don't dress up anymore.
00:23Like with waistcoats.
00:24And watch fobs.
00:27I'm going to bring back the watch father.
00:28A man with a plan.
00:30Smoke, please.
00:32Now that Big and I weren't playing the dating game, we were free to just play.
00:35And it had never been better.
00:42Where is it?
00:48Wow. Impressive.
00:51The ladies enjoy a sleight of hand.
00:53And the watch fob.
01:00Meanwhile, 35 blocks north, at Dr. and Mrs. Young's cocktail party, another set of exes were enjoying the view.
01:06Look at all the shades of green in the hell side.
01:08It's so beautiful.
01:09What's beautiful is your ass in that skirt.
01:12Trey.
01:13Well, it is.
01:14Now that Trey and Charlotte had opened the door of communication, Trey wanted to get in.
01:19Everywhere.
01:19I'll do some very dirty things to you right now.
01:22We are at Winky and Bob's cocktail party, and I'm your estranged wife.
01:25My estranged wife has a damn fine ass.
01:28I think it's really great how up for things you've been lately, but we are in public.
01:34So why don't we get our coats and go back to your place, because my ass will be damn fine
01:40there, too.
01:40Hmm.
01:43For a radiologist, he's awfully full of himself, but his wife is even worse.
01:47They were passed over for three Park Avenue co-ops because of Yippie Dog.
01:50That's what you get for overbreeding the Picanys.
01:53Certain behavior will keep you from getting into a co-op, and certain behavior is almost assured to get you
01:59kicked out of one.
02:00The entire surgical staff at Lenox Hill Hospital is in the next room.
02:04I understand. This is an emergency.
02:06Well, at least close the door.
02:07Hmm.
02:13While Charlotte walked through her door, I reached mine and kept it firmly closed.
02:18Okay then, Houdini.
02:21I'll walk you up.
02:22I think I got it from here.
02:24Then I'll watch from down here in case you trip.
02:28What's with the...
02:30There'll be no...
02:34Okay, you're the boss, but I'm always available for the...
02:44Nighty-night.
02:50Nighty-night.
02:52Have you guys ever done it in a restaurant bathroom?
02:55Lotus.
02:56Sparks.
02:56Somewhere over Chicago.
02:57She said restaurant bathroom.
02:59There were warm nuts involved.
03:01Classy.
03:02How about a coat room?
03:03Lotus.
03:04My last birthday party.
03:05I'm out.
03:06Syrup?
03:07Are these theoretical questions or are you getting busy, Missy?
03:10Trey and I.
03:11Coat room, Friday.
03:13Bistro bathroom last night.
03:14But I thought he couldn't...
03:15Well, apparently he can.
03:16All over Manhattan.
03:17Well, this is a very happy development.
03:20No.
03:20No, it's not.
03:21We're not even together anymore.
03:22Doesn't sound that way to me.
03:23We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not...
03:26Not...
03:27Fucking against a hand dryer?
03:28Yeah.
03:29It's so confusing.
03:30Are we dating or are we back together?
03:33Is he my boyfriend or my lover?
03:35Or my ex-husband, whom I have sex with occasionally in coat rooms.
03:40And bathrooms.
03:40I'm going with D, all of the above.
03:42Oh, who cares what you are?
03:43Just enjoy it.
03:44No, I need to know where we're going.
03:46Yes, we'd like to know where you're going as well, since evidently you'll be having sex there.
03:49Why do you have to define it?
03:50He's my husband.
03:51We were defined by law.
03:53Now it's all blurry.
03:54It's so hard.
03:55Thank your lucky stars.
03:56Oh, enough about me.
03:57What did you do this weekend?
03:59Monkey bar.
04:00Fun!
04:01With whom?
04:02Big.
04:06The bar, not the bathroom.
04:10So you and Big are really friends or something?
04:13Yeah.
04:13Friends.
04:14Or something.
04:15Easy, prosecutor.
04:16Well, don't you think you should define what you're doing with him?
04:18Charlotte didn't have to.
04:19Charlotte married the guy.
04:22We're undefinable.
04:23She's sleeping with him.
04:24I am not sleeping with him.
04:26We're just hanging out.
04:30It's fun.
04:31In fact, you know, now that the pressure's off, we're finally just enjoying each other.
04:34It's good.
04:35It's a slippery slope, Carrie.
04:36Without boundaries, you never know what's going to happen.
04:38Yeah, we might actually have fun.
04:41Have fun.
04:42Just don't have amnesia.
04:43Exactly.
04:43Hey, can we lighten up on the boundary talk?
04:48I'm fine.
04:50Jeez.
04:52Wow.
04:54Are you thinking about sleeping with him?
04:57No.
04:58You hesitated.
05:00I was swallowing.
05:05The Eskimo have hundreds of words for snow, and we've invented three times that many words
05:10for relationship.
05:11But the more words we invent, the harder it becomes to define things.
05:15In a world where you can date without sex, screw without dating, and in the end, keep most
05:20of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over, what really defines a
05:25relationship?
05:26That night, Miranda let her boundaries down with Doug, a cartoonist from The New Yorker.
05:31They had been dating for about a month.
05:34Miranda didn't know what they were, but she knew it felt good.
05:39It was a morning of firsts.
05:41It was the first time Doug had spent the night, and the first time a man had peed in front
05:49of her.
05:56That night, we went to Charlotte's gallery for the opening of an exhibit by Maria Diego
06:01Reyes, the Brazilian artist.
06:02He just whipped it out.
06:04I'm brushing.
06:05I look over.
06:06He's peeing.
06:07Well, at least you can probably say he's your boyfriend.
06:09Only a boyfriend would do that.
06:10I don't want a boyfriend who does that.
06:12It's never okay to do that.
06:14Wait your turn.
06:26Do you like it?
06:28I do.
06:29It's the artist's favorite.
06:31Do you know her?
06:32Oh, I am her.
06:34Oh, I'm sorry.
06:35I should have...
06:36Samantha.
06:37Maria.
06:38I have a bone to pick with you.
06:39I came ready to buy, and look, all these red dots, there's nothing left.
06:43That's never bad news for the artist.
06:46But I have many more in my loft.
06:48If you ever want to come down and take a look...
06:51Yeah, I will, and soon, before those get sold out from underneath me as well.
06:54To deal.
06:55So, now a non-art-related question.
06:59Oh, where are all the hot guys?
07:02Maria.
07:03Maria.
07:04Oh.
07:04Hi.
07:05Hi.
07:06It is stunning.
07:08All of it.
07:09I'm so proud of you, Chica.
07:10I'm so proud of you, Chica.
07:11Hi.
07:12Hi.
07:13Hi.
07:13Hi.
07:14Hi.
07:14Hi.
07:15Hi.
07:18Hi.
07:19Hi.
07:30Hi.
07:31My ex introduced me to a tiny Jazz Club in the East Village.
07:43Aren't these cats amazing?
07:45Cats?
07:47Loosen up baby, we are below 14th Street.
07:50Okay baby.
07:51I was, inches away from my ex-boyfriend, friend whatever lusting after a bass player.
08:00Do you want another drink?
08:02Huh?
08:04Do you want another drink?
08:05Yeah, yeah.
08:10Thank you very much.
08:11We're going to take a short break.
08:13We'll come back with a new night.
08:15We'll play another set or two.
08:27Apparently, everyone in the universe wanted me to define my relationship with Big.
08:34What do you think?
08:35I like it, baby.
08:38Didn't think I had that groovy jazz club in me, did you?
08:41No.
08:42Hey, hey, man. You were really great.
08:44No, no. I'm just trying to keep up.
08:46No, you were great.
08:48You know jazz?
08:49No.
08:51Can I buy you a drink?
08:52No, I'm all set. I own the place.
08:54It's the only way they'll let me play.
08:55I can't keep a beat, so at least I can drink for free.
08:57Ray King.
08:58Hi, I'm Carrie.
09:00I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
09:02Jazz me a fight.
09:05Oh, sorry.
09:06You're running low.
09:07Joey, Glenn Leavitt.
09:09Come right up.
09:10So, you own this place?
09:12I do.
09:12You own this, one uptown.
09:14Hell of a lot of mortgages.
09:22Well, geez, I gotta go.
09:24You heading uptown?
09:25Well, yes.
09:26Yes, I am.
09:27Do you need a ride?
09:28That'd be great.
09:28I'll call my car.
09:29This time of night, cabs are lined up outside.
09:31So then we'll take a cab.
09:33Okay.
09:34Okay.
09:34Take a cab.
09:37Okay.
09:42You sure your base is gonna be okay?
09:44Oh, yeah.
09:44Sleeps at the club all the time.
09:46Sometimes it even hooks up with the snare drum.
09:50Cabs are bullshit.
09:51Good.
09:53Listen, can I get your number?
09:56Yeah?
09:57Yeah.
09:58Uh, sure.
09:59Let me...
10:04I'm a writer with no pen.
10:09No problem.
10:16Six, seven, three, nine.
10:17I know.
10:23This is...
10:24Yeah, this is me.
10:32Nice to meet you.
10:34Nice to meet you.
10:37Bye.
10:38Bye.
10:38Bye.
10:39Bye.
10:40Bye.
10:41Hey.
10:42Hey.
10:43What are you doing?
10:46What do you mean?
10:47You know what I mean.
10:48Now he's gonna think we're together.
10:49What, you like the pork pie hat?
10:51That's not the point.
10:52Well, I'll tell you, he had some breath on him.
10:54Oh, his breath was fine.
10:56Are you kidding?
10:57It's like he had a bad burger with BB King in 75.
11:00All right.
11:02We gotta figure out what we're doing here.
11:05What are we doing?
11:06What are we?
11:07We're friends.
11:08How's that?
11:09What kind of friends?
11:11Oh, friends who listen to jazz, friends who eat pizza, friends who...
11:16Oh, no.
11:17There will be no...
11:19Oh.
11:19Carrie likes jazz, man.
11:21Jazz.
11:22All right.
11:22That's it.
11:23I'm going upstairs.
11:24Suit yourself.
11:26I have to go to sleep.
11:27Nighty-night.
11:39But I couldn't sleep.
11:40My bizarre menage-a-taxi was haunting me.
11:49Hello?
11:59You know when I hear that song, I think of you.
12:02I don't even know you.
12:03How fucked up is that?
12:05Well, that's good.
12:08Oh, can you hang on a second?
12:11Yeah.
12:12Okay.
12:14Hello?
12:14What are you doing?
12:15I can't talk right now.
12:17What?
12:17You're on the other line?
12:18Yes, yes I am.
12:20Pork pie?
12:21Look, I gotta go.
12:22Elmy needs mince.
12:23I'm hanging up.
12:24Carrie likes a jazz musician.
12:30Sorry.
12:30Sorry.
12:31No problem.
12:34Listen, uh, I'd like to take you out on Saturday night.
12:38Promise you won't have to listen to me play.
12:40Okay.
12:41I'd like that.
12:43Great.
12:44Oh, uh, don't bring the angry guy.
12:49He's not so bad.
12:51See ya.
12:52Okay.
12:57What do you want?
12:58What do you see in that guy?
12:59He knows when to say goodbye.
13:02The next morning, Miranda decided I might have been right.
13:05Maybe she was Ms. Boundaries.
13:07If she wanted a decent relationship, she couldn't throw the boy out with the toilet water.
13:12She would have to let down her boundaries.
13:15And there was no better time than the present.
13:27Oh, hey.
13:28Hi.
13:28You scared me.
13:32Hey, you got any bagels?
13:34Uh, top of the fridge.
13:35Cool.
13:36Uh.
13:44What about filters?
13:45Above the coffee maker.
13:49While Miranda tried to do her business, Samantha helped Maria with hers.
13:54I like doing this right.
13:55Yeah, don't think.
13:56Just do it.
13:58You know, painting is like eating.
14:00Like sex.
14:01I can do that.
14:03You know, I came to buy art, not make it.
14:06Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
14:08This is a Brazilian thing.
14:10Everyone that crossed my door has to help.
14:13But you have a choice, really.
14:15You can make a painting or you can do my laundry.
14:20Not gonna happen.
14:23You're buying one of my paintings, right?
14:25Yeah, you're buying my next manicure.
14:28Oh, I'm sorry.
14:30Oh.
14:46Do we...
14:49Do we need to talk about this?
14:52Do we?
14:57I've done the girl thing.
15:00Once.
15:01Twice.
15:02Usually involving a guy and a couple of quaaludes.
15:04And...
15:05It was nice, really.
15:06And...
15:07Really nice by the guy.
15:08But...
15:10I'm not a relationship person.
15:15And you're really something.
15:17Could we be friends?
15:19Well, it depends.
15:22In my language, friends...
15:25It translates to a person with a warm heart.
15:29That...
15:30Buys a lot of my art.
15:33Wow.
15:35What's Portuguese for workin' it?
15:38Workin' it?
15:41What?
15:44The next day, I found the perfect color on me.
15:46And something else on Charlotte.
15:49Uh...
15:50Excuse me, but...
15:52Is that a...
15:53Hickey?
15:54Let me see.
15:55Oh, my God, I don't...
15:56Wow, that's so retro.
15:58Trey and I made out in the movies.
16:00No, that is retro.
16:02That's not all we did.
16:04We did.
16:05Right in the middle of the movie, I gave him a blowjob.
16:08Ow!
16:08In the theater.
16:09Crouching Charlotte hit a number.
16:11And you know, you guys were right.
16:12Once I stopped trying...
16:12You know...
16:12You know...
16:20You know...
16:21You know...
16:21You know...
16:21You know...
16:21You know...
16:21Martha defined her relationship as healthy.
16:24She had one sick relationship on her hands.
16:30The next day, as Trey looked for action, Charlotte went looking for answers.
16:35Trey...
16:36Please, not here.
16:37No.
16:38Should we go to your movie?
16:39No!
16:40Look, we're five blocks from your place.
16:42We'll just wait.
16:43And we'll get in our old bed.
16:44And we'll really make love like Marilyn Way.
16:46Oh, God.
16:47Oh, God.
16:48Oh, God.
16:49Why?
16:50Why?
16:50Why can't we wait?
16:52It's five stupid blocks.
16:53What is wrong with us, Trey?
16:54What?
16:55Are you so scared that if we go back to our own bed, you'll have the same problems all over
16:58again?
16:58Charlotte, please.
16:59It's not disgusting from the driver.
17:01Oh.
17:02You just wanted to have sex in front of him.
17:06Chuck.
17:07And just like that, Charlotte slammed the door on her and Trey.
17:15Hello?
17:16It's me.
17:17So, if we were to, say, make love in my bed, could we still do it in the taxi?
17:26We'll see.
17:28All righty, then.
17:29Call you tomorrow.
17:30Evidently, when Charlotte closed the taxi door, she opened a whole new window.
17:36The next morning, Miranda got up early to pee in peace and make Doug coffee.
17:40Hey!
17:41Smells great!
17:42It's the cinnamon I add to the...
17:52All righty.
17:54Apparently, when Miranda left the door open for peeing, she opened the door for everything else.
18:04You know, sometimes I like to add a pinch of nutmeg to my coffee and that takes a lot of
18:08the...
18:09Maybe it was narrow-minded, but for Miranda, an open door dump was definitely worth dumping someone over.
18:18That's the thing about New York. Everyone's always going.
18:21Tonight, it was for the opening of Tao.
18:24Raising my first date.
18:28Everyone was there.
18:31Everyone.
18:36So what?
18:37This is the only restaurant in New York opening tonight?
18:40Well, the Burger King on 9th Avenue had a line around the block.
18:44You... you remember?
18:45Oh, yeah. Hey, man.
18:48Oh, this is Sean.
18:50Sean?
18:51The Y is silent.
18:54Oh.
18:55Oh, thank God! You're finally here!
18:57I got the last table. Let's go.
18:59Oh, okay.
19:05There we were.
19:07Me, my ex, the jazz guy, the model, the lesbian, and her friend Samantha.
19:13Sean?
19:15She's a supermodel.
19:18Super for you.
19:20You ever get our meat crubs?
19:21Oh, we love meat crubs. They're a specialty.
19:24Okay, is there any more wine in there?
19:30Thanks.
19:34I'll be back.
19:51Look at me.
19:53Look at me. I grabbed some meat crubs.
19:58Mmm.
20:00Mmm.
20:00Mmm.
20:00Meat crubalicious.
20:02How'd you get this?
20:04Turns out the chef worked at one of my clubs.
20:07You know all the right people.
20:08I got the end on the noodles.
20:10Mmm.
20:12Yeah, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna camp out here for a while.
20:15What's okay about me?
20:16That table is bad.
20:18Yeah, man.
20:20Good thing we weren't fucking hungry.
20:23I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
20:27Turn right at the Buddha, honey.
20:28Come on.
20:31So, just to, you know, get things straight,
20:34you and Carrie are just friends now, right?
20:38You're available?
20:41Yes, ma'am.
20:43So, if you're just friends,
20:46what exactly do you think you're doing?
20:49Because that girl might come off like she's all strong and over it.
20:53But she's fragile.
20:55And she's my best friend.
20:57So, I suggest you back off.
21:00Can't we all just get along?
21:03Excuse me.
21:18Hey, hey, hey.
21:20You okay?
21:21I'm fine.
21:22I'm sorry.
21:24That guy's not good for her.
21:27Look, uh, I'm gonna go.
21:29No, no, don't go.
21:31But we can get another table.
21:32I lied.
21:35I can't just be your friend.
21:38What I saw back there.
21:42You...
21:44You are magnificent.
21:47And...
21:47How'd you say that, um...
21:50Oh!
21:50You kick ass!
21:52And I see where this is going and, uh...
21:56You don't do relationships.
21:58And...
21:59It would be very bad for me.
22:01So we...
22:02We can't even be friends?
22:04I'm gonna go in here.
22:06And you...
22:07You go back there.
22:09And, uh...
22:10You're really something.
22:17Right then and there, Samantha decided to let down her boundaries.
22:22And opened herself up to the possibility of a relationship.
22:27With a woman.
22:39And in a different bathroom.
22:42Oh.
22:44Oh.
22:44Geez, I'm sorry.
22:45Oh no, it's okay.
22:46Come in.
22:47Come in.
22:52Want some?
22:53Oh no, no, all set, thanks.
22:54Okay.
22:56Um...
22:57You can go.
22:58It's okay.
22:59Oh.
22:59I...
22:59I don't really have to go.
23:01Oh my god.
23:08Um...
23:09He talks about you.
23:11Oh?
23:12Hmm.
23:13Did, um...
23:15Did you two used to date or something?
23:18Uh...
23:19Something like that.
23:25Okay, I'm gonna...
23:27My date's waiting for me.
23:29Okay.
23:33Sorry, sorry.
23:37I couldn't avoid it.
23:39Everywhere I went, I was confronted by my big relationship.
23:43Hey, I just, uh, left Silent Y in the bathroom.
23:46And P.S. apparently the 80s are back.
23:49Um, listen, we're gonna go.
23:51Okay, well, Ray and I, we're gonna go first.
23:58I'll see you later.
24:00Okay.
24:04You know what I love about this city?
24:07Everything can sound like a jazz riff.
24:11Like, uh...
24:12That garbage truck is, um...
24:15Mmm...
24:16Mmm...
24:17Mmm...
24:17Mmm...
24:18Mmm...
24:18Mmm...
24:20Mmm...
24:21Mmm...
24:21Mmm...
24:24Mmm...
24:25Really?
24:26Really?
24:27Cause I, um...
24:28I get more of a...
24:32Like a...
24:33Biddy bop!
24:34Biddy bop bop!
24:36Bip!
24:37Bop bop!
24:38I don't know.
24:39You really don't know jazz, do you?
24:41Hey!
24:42I just scatted on my first day, man.
24:45You gave me some credit.
24:46Somewhere between a me-crab and a model, I was dating again.
24:50It was nice.
24:51This is me.
24:54You know what you are?
24:57You're, um...
24:58Biddy bop bop!
25:00Biddy bop bop!
25:01Do do do!
25:06Well...
25:08I'm back at you!
25:19There, I really like this guy.
25:24So maybe that's it.
25:26What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.
25:34New York City.
25:35No matter how well you think you know it,
25:37there's always somewhere or someone new to discover.
25:41I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens,
25:44although it felt like our second, third, and fourth date,
25:46because we've been to three jazz clubs in one night.
25:49I can't sing for shit, but damn can I chop.
25:51And where does one learn this skill?
25:53Jersey Shore.
25:54Oh, is that where your phone...
25:56Listen, this lick right here?
25:57That's why I wanted to play the bass.
26:01Man. How about that?
26:04Jesus, that's sweet.
26:06Listen to that again.
26:16Yeah? Ah?
26:18Yeah?
26:23How about that?
26:28This might be a good time to tell you.
26:31I don't like jazz.
26:37why would you say something like that I know you can't follow it and there's no
26:42melody and it's just like it's all over the place Harry you gotta stop trying to
26:48make it be something else and appreciate it for what it is
26:51damn I wish I had my bass come here you be the bass no don't I have to be in
26:58the music
26:59you play all those instruments plays a little strong I learn a few notes I get
27:04bored I move on listen to the bass beauty of jazz is that I can go anywhere you can go
27:14from here
27:23it was right about that time that I started to appreciate a little type of music we call jazz
27:32so what did you do Leslie I listen to jazz
27:39what is so funny about jazz okay here it is
27:45last night with Rick I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life
27:55I did my laundry continue it doesn't make any sense I barely know him we've only been on two
28:01dates and yet you had sex with him can everyone please let Harry talk about the sex the mind-blowing
28:08sex now I realize that this next statement makes me a bit of a freak
28:14but um I usually have to be in love with someone to have that kind of orgasm you might want
28:22to see
28:22someone about that what the hell is going on maybe Ray is the one your clitoris seems to think so
28:29that
28:29was probably just a fluke I'm going back tomorrow to find out I am the other hand I'm on strike
28:34what
28:35does that mean it means I'm not having any more sex that's not a strike honey that's a slump
28:40no it might have started as a slump but I'm in control of it now I've made the conscious decision
28:45not to have sex until conditions improve and how many people will be affected by the strike
28:49um so far just the one but I'm optimistic thing is I can't go on any more bad dates I
28:58would rather be
28:59home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet wow I'm dating someone someone I
29:07actually like wow Maria Maria Maria my Maria from the gallery oh she's my Maria now we're having a
29:21relationship yes ladies I'm a lesbian wait a second you're in a relationship yes oh and she just
29:32walked in so please get those looks out of your faces Maria you know Charlotte oh yeah sure and this
29:45is Carrie and Miranda so nice to meet you I'll see you told them how does that work you go
29:54to bed one
29:54night you wake up the next morning and poof you're a lesbian oh I forgot to tell you I'm a
29:58fire hydrant
29:58yeah I'm a shoe I always wanted to be one and poof now I am I don't think she's a
30:04lesbian I think
30:05she just ran out of men then you go on strike you don't eat pussy no did you just say
30:11eat pussy
30:12I did but just for emphasis
30:17you know the truly amazing thing is I had the news tonight I had the most intense
30:24mind-blowing I believe was the word orgasm of my life and Samantha still managed to upsex me
30:36they met at my gallery I introduced them poof you're a pimp later that night inspired by
30:43Samantha's willingness to explore new territory Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old
30:47territory the bed where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife here we are yep
30:57should we have a glass of wine first I'm fine unless you know I'm okay
31:07if you don't feel ready
31:20just because she was on strike didn't mean she had to do without
31:25that's how Miranda discovered the perfect relationship John Stewart and chocolate eclairs
31:38that night Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending to their evening as well
31:46Charlotte was relieved now that they had fixed their problem in the bedroom she was ready to move
31:55back into the other rooms as well so what are you thinking I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas
32:05so
32:05hard I swear Charlotte at times I felt like it was gonna rock it right off what were you thinking
32:15I don't know um should I
32:25do you
32:28are we ready till again
32:34Houston we don't have a problem
32:38three two one
32:41who is it
32:47that's right oh hi uh come on up
32:51oh shit
32:56hello
32:57so did you and the girls run down the street talking about me
33:01maybe
33:02how many blocks
33:03oh two
33:05okay nine
33:07honestly I'm a little hurt
33:09I mean after all the hours I've spent listening to you people talk about your relationships
33:14you do that
33:15I make the courtesy call
33:17do you think you love him blah blah blah
33:19well
33:20you just caught us a little off guard with the lesbian thing
33:23that's just a label like Gucci or Versace
33:25or Birkenstock
33:26this is not about being gay or straight
33:29Maria is an incredible woman
33:31she's got passion and talent intelligence
33:34a vagina
33:36oh vagina shmagina
33:38shmagina
33:39is that what the lesbians are calling it
33:41for your information we haven't even had sex yet
33:44wow
33:44you really are in a relationship
33:46yes I am Carrie
33:48life is not all about sex
33:50yeah try telling that to her shmagina
33:53I want a bourbon
33:54and I want to go down on you
33:56not necessarily in that order
33:58the truth is
33:59I really want it to be special the first time
34:02well I'm sure
34:04that it will be special
34:06I'm
34:07I'm sure it will be special
34:09because
34:10is right there
34:12no no no
34:13Samantha I'm listening
34:14I
34:16I'm listening
34:18the next day I thought about what Samantha said
34:20she wasn't having sex
34:22because she wanted to have a relationship
34:23and I was having mind blowing sex
34:25hoping to turn it into a relationship
34:27so there you have it
34:28we've got a relationship without sex
34:30and sex without a relationship
34:32which had a better shot at survival
34:35I couldn't help but wonder
34:36what comes first
34:37the chicken or the sex
34:40that night
34:40I decided to really talk to Ray
34:42I figured we needed to catch the relationship
34:45up to the sex
34:46well that was the plan
34:49wait a minute
34:50wait wait wait
34:51I see a question
34:53where did you go to school
34:55all over
34:57oh
34:59freckles on the legs
35:00nothing wrong with that
35:01it was my best relationship ever
35:06meanwhile over at Casa de Lesbo
35:09that Coco Bam was amazing
35:11you can paint
35:12you can cook
35:13you can do everything
35:19but
35:20you brought the most
35:22incredible dessert
35:25a bite
35:31Samantha decided
35:32if she was going to be gay
35:34she'd be gay all the way
35:41I might not be much in the kitchen
35:44but I'm more than enough
35:46in the bedroom
35:58oh baby
35:59Samantha
36:02it's not really working for me
36:05it was a phrase
36:07Samantha had never heard in bed before
36:09well honey
36:10I've never gotten any complaints
36:12from the man
36:14well
36:15man
36:18I want you to
36:21look at me
36:23connect
36:24with me
36:27this is
36:28love making
36:29it's not a porno flick
36:32I want to show you
36:34I'm going to lay down
36:35and I want you to look
36:37at my buceta
36:39it's a Portuguese word
36:41for pussy
36:50meanwhile Miranda
36:51still off sex
36:52and on chocolate
36:53couldn't bring herself
36:54to order the seven eclairs
36:55she really wanted
36:56so she asked
36:58for just one
36:58one cake
37:00please
37:01which do you recommend
37:02I'd go with the Louvre
37:04Monsieur Payard's
37:05signature chocolate cake
37:06wow
37:07sold
37:08okay
37:09that'll be 74.50
37:11as in 74 dollars
37:13and 50 cents
37:14yes
37:14Miranda decided
37:16she didn't need a cake
37:17that badly
37:21especially when she could
37:22make one for under
37:23five dollars
37:24every once in a while
37:26a girl has to
37:26indulge herself
37:49try him on the mallard
37:51sorry
37:53oh
37:55oh
37:55oh
37:56oh
38:56I want to order. Where's the lesbian du jour?
38:59Oh, listen, you guys, when she gets here, we have to talk about her relationship.
39:03She was kind of mad we didn't take it seriously last time.
39:06Oh, please. She isn't having a relationship. She's just doing this to bug us.
39:09I don't know. They haven't even had sex yet.
39:12She said she wants it to be special.
39:14Really?
39:15Yeah.
39:17Well, then we should be supportive. This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time.
39:21Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding?
39:24Morning, ladies.
39:25Morning.
39:26Hi.
39:30Tell us about your relationship. How is everything going with Maria?
39:33Well, did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist?
39:40It's like a fabulous cave.
39:42I guess they've had sex.
39:43Apparently so.
39:44And we have three holes down there.
39:46Okay, stop talking about your relationship.
39:49But it's fascinating. There are places a dick just can't go.
39:52Oh, some dicks manage just fine.
39:54Please, Maria has ten dicks.
39:56For the record, you started this.
39:59I am sorry, but a finger is not a dick.
40:03Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick. So technically, Maria only has three and a third
40:08dicks.
40:08Now, I can tell you right now, this is not the same as this.
40:15Okay, put that away.
40:17I'm just saying, size has nothing to do with it.
40:20What's happening to you?
40:22I'm getting an education.
40:24Not only do I now know everything there is to know about the glorious boceta.
40:29That's Portuguese for boceta.
40:30Boceta, shmagina, let's call the whole thing off.
40:33But the most important thing is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex.
40:38It's not just some animal act.
40:41It's about two people in love.
40:45Yeah.
40:48Yeah.
40:52Hey.
40:53Hi.
40:54I couldn't pick a shirt.
40:56Red, blue, I didn't know.
40:57Come on in. I'm making margaritas.
40:59Hey, look what I bought today.
41:02My first jazz CD.
41:04No, no, no.
41:05No.
41:07No.
41:07You've got to hear that on vinyl.
41:11Wait, Ray.
41:13Ray, Ray.
41:14Ray!
41:15Ray, stop.
41:16Don't play anything.
41:18Don't scat.
41:18Don't chop.
41:19Don't blend.
41:20Don't.
41:21Can we, can we just sit and talk for a while?
41:25Oh, you've got to talk, girl.
41:26You've got to talk, you've got to talk.
41:28What are you thinking?
41:29Where's this going?
41:30No, I'm not that girl.
41:31I'm not, I'm, I'm not any girl.
41:33I just want to talk.
41:36You want to talk.
41:39Like, where are you from?
41:40You said something about the Jersey Shore.
41:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:43I spent a couple summers there.
41:45Used to work on the boardwalk.
41:46There was this heat shooting place I used to go to with my buddies.
41:48On, on the Jersey Shore?
41:50Upstate New York College.
41:51And, oh!
41:53Man, why no skeet in the city?
41:54I love the skeet.
41:56I should open one in New York.
41:57Maybe sell a club.
41:58Canned corn.
41:59When was the last time you had canned corn?
42:01That sounds good right now.
42:02You hungry?
42:03Well, no, because, you know, I've never met.
42:05I had a pot pie in Vegas once.
42:07Loaded with corn.
42:08As Ray talked, I realized he wasn't spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling.
42:13It was the old downtown thing.
42:15He was a guy with ADD.
42:17My mom used to drink.
42:18What kind of relationship could I have with a guy I couldn't even talk to?
42:22Lady Crust.
42:23I'd have to end it.
42:25Black pies?
42:28Ray?
42:30Want to play me?
42:31I know.
42:33Eventually.
42:42Meanwhile, uptown...
42:43So I was thinking...
42:44Charlotte gave Trey one more chance to ask her to move in.
42:47I'm just going to say it.
42:50Next time I'm hard, would you consider measuring my John Thomas?
42:55What?
42:56No!
42:58I understand.
42:59It's juvenile.
43:00I know.
43:00But I've just never seen it like this.
43:04I'm taking a shower.
43:07Charlotte was never a woman who cared much about penises.
43:11And now, a penis was running her life.
43:16Forget it.
43:23As Charlotte lathered up, she really started to get lathered up.
43:28Who did he think he was?
43:30He was her husband and she was his wife.
43:33What the hell was going on in this Upper East Side nightmare?
43:38Trey.
43:38Oh.
43:39I'm tired of being married to your penis.
43:42I'm a person.
43:44And this is supposed to be a relationship.
43:46And I'm done walking on eggshells.
43:48Oh, don't talk about moving in in front of the penis.
43:51Because it might go soft.
43:52And the penis likes this.
43:54And the penis doesn't like that.
43:55And the penis wants to be measured.
43:57It was just a thought.
43:58Well, here's another thought.
43:59You can shove this marriage up your ass.
44:02Charlotte, don't go.
44:03No.
44:04I'm going home to my own apartment where I have a lease.
44:07I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night.
44:21Meanwhile, Miranda was getting fed up as well.
44:24With herself.
44:52I know you're probably busy having mind-blowing sex right now.
44:56But I feel that you need to know your good friend Miranda Hobbs
45:00has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it.
45:04You'll probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
45:24That night, Miranda realized she'd been using chocolate as a substitute for sex.
45:29And now, she needed a substitute for chocolate.
45:39The strike was officially over.
45:44That's perfect!
45:45And just when she thought she knew everything there was to know about women,
45:51Samantha caused the very elusive female ejaculation.
45:56Was that good or bad?
45:57That was very good.
46:01Samantha got the relationship and the sex.
46:04In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected.
46:10I want some water.
46:12You want some water?
46:14You'll be right back.
46:15The next morning, I woke up with a new thought.
46:18Maybe Ray was like Jazz.
46:20And instead of trying to make him be something else,
46:22I needed to let go and appreciate him for what he was.
46:26Truly mind-blowing sex.
46:41Ray?
46:48But unfortunately, I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me
46:53and moved on to another instrument.
47:03Good morning, ma'am.
47:06Good morning.
47:09You, uh, left something at my...
47:13At the apartment.
47:15Oh.
47:20Charlotte, I want you to move back in
47:22and get rid of this old apartment.
47:25And stay all night, every night,
47:27and wake up next to me every morning
47:29and be my wife.
47:33You do?
47:34Yeah.
47:36I talked it over with my penis, and we both agree.
47:40I don't want to lose you again.
47:44Charlotte, York, McDougal.
47:48Will you remarry me?
47:51Yes, Trey McDougal.
47:53I will remarry you.
48:17Walking home from ADD, another dating disaster,
48:20I worry that there's a reason they call it mind-blowing sex.
48:24Maybe that kind of physical connection
48:25obliterates the chance of an intellectual one.
48:28Or maybe it's possible to find both.
48:31That's what I was hoping,
48:33because great sex is great,
48:35but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.
48:38That's what I was hoping for.