- 2 days ago
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00:04New York City is a great place to be engaged.
00:11Miss?
00:12Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want this, Cap?
00:16Sure.
00:21And it's an even better place to be enraged.
00:24Oh, you're so busy.
00:26You're so busy.
00:41Boy, do I have news.
00:43So do I.
00:44I didn't want to say anything until we were all together, but Harry and I made up, and he asked
00:49me to marry him.
00:50Oh, my God! Congratulations!
00:52That's great.
00:53Look at that ring!
00:55I know! He had it made based on the one that Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor.
00:58Well, it is fabulous.
01:01Even more fabulous than your first one.
01:06So, Carrie, what was your news?
01:08Oh, uh, Berger broke up with me on a Post-it.
01:11On a Post-it?
01:12Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
01:13Yep.
01:15Read it and weep, my friends.
01:17I'm sorry I can't. Don't hate me.
01:20The motherfucker's concise.
01:22First of all, I thought you were going to break up with him.
01:24Yeah, I was, and I should have, but he said that he wanted to try to work things out, a
01:29.k.a. leave in the middle of the night.
01:32A Post-it? That's infuriating.
01:34I remember when breaking up over the phone was considered bad form.
01:37I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman.
01:40I'm sorry, Miss Hobbs.
01:41Jonathan won't be coming down.
01:44Ever.
01:44I miss having a doorman.
01:47So, are you going to call him?
01:49No.
01:49I'm not going to dignify his behavior with a response.
01:52I am not even going to leave him one of those angry answering machine messages.
01:56Hi, it's me. You're a dick.
01:59That sure felt good saying it right now, even to you.
02:01Well, that's what we're here for.
02:03I'm sorry.
02:04Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
02:05That relationship was a complete waste of time.
02:08Oh, it's never a complete waste of time.
02:11I mean, even in the worst relationship, you always learn something.
02:13You might not want to say that to a woman carrying a loaded Post-it.
02:17But, Carrie, everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what it is yet.
02:20That's such bullshit.
02:21It's not!
02:22Look at me.
02:24If I had never married Trey, then I never would have gotten divorced,
02:27and I never would have met my divorce lawyer, Harry,
02:31and I wouldn't be engaged now.
02:33Uh-huh.
02:36Paper covers rock.
02:38Maybe everything does happen for a reason.
02:41If Berger hadn't left me in the most horrible way anyone could ever imagine,
02:45I wouldn't have the afternoon free to walk you to your hair appointment.
02:47We're all being protected by the universe.
02:50When it comes to men, I think you may have had it right all along.
02:53Keep it light.
02:53Don't get too involved.
02:54Don't get too hurt.
02:56Exactly.
02:56If you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend.
03:00You know what?
03:01I'm going to spend as much time mourning this relationship as he spent ending it.
03:08Okay, I'm over it.
03:09Hey, let's go somewhere fantastic tonight and have a fantastic time.
03:12What can we do that would be fantastic?
03:14I know.
03:15I'm taking you to bed.
03:17I'm not that off, man.
03:18Not bad.
03:19It's a new club opening tonight.
03:20We'll all go.
03:22I think I have the invitation.
03:25Listen to me being all hurt.
03:26Look how many men have broken up with you, and you're fine.
03:29Oh.
03:30Come to bed.
03:32Come to bed.
03:33Wow.
03:34People say everything happens for a reason.
03:37These people are usually women, and these women are usually sorting through a breakup.
03:43It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a goodbye, but apparently women
03:48have to either get married or learn something.
03:51Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius?
03:56Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?
04:00Meanwhile, Samantha was at home, dressing a man for a change.
04:04I called some designers, and I told them that the absolute hug was going to do TRL on MTV,
04:09and they jumped ASAP.
04:11Gucci, YSL, D&G.
04:14Take your pick.
04:15You know, I'm not really comfortable wearing labels.
04:19It's okay with you.
04:20I thought I'd just wear some jeans and those.
04:22Oh.
04:23Well, that'll work, too.
04:24You are going to be the fantasy of every adolescent girl and sexually confused boy in America.
04:32How did I get hooked up with such an amazing girlfriend?
04:35And that was a label Samantha wasn't comfortable wearing.
04:38Okay, you should get ready.
04:40The car will be here any minute.
04:42You sure you can't come?
04:43Oh, I can.
04:44I promised Carrie and the girls.
04:45But I will catch the replay tonight.
04:49Should I hook up with you later?
04:50No, go out with the MTV crowd and have fun.
04:53You're the absolute hunk.
04:54Work it.
04:55And as your publicist, let me just say,
05:00calling someone your girlfriend isn't a good idea right now.
05:04Someone or you.
05:06Either way.
05:07So when anyone asks if you have a girlfriend,
05:10you should say you're still looking and haven't found anyone special yet.
05:15That's what you want.
05:17That's what I want.
05:19Samantha.
05:21But I do insist you top off that tank with some Dior sunglasses.
05:25It's MTV.
05:26If you're not wearing something the kids can't afford,
05:29how will they know to look up to you?
05:32There.
05:34Much better.
05:36That night, as Charlotte was deciding what to wear,
05:39she noticed that everything went with her new engagement ring.
05:42Except her old wedding dress.
05:48Meanwhile, in another closet...
05:50I don't think I can go.
05:51I'm not feeling so hot.
05:53Are you sick?
05:53No, I mean literally.
05:55Openings of hot new clubs are for hot childless people.
05:58I'm not even one of the hot mommies at Mommy and Me.
06:01Miranda, I don't want to have to resort to this,
06:03but if I have to, I will play the post-it card.
06:06Just explain to me why I have to leave my house to go to bed.
06:09Because this can't be the day that I was broken up with by a post-it.
06:13This has to be the day that something else happened.
06:16How about the day your friend discovered all her clothes are covered in spit-up?
06:20You are going.
06:21No excuses.
06:23Okay.
06:24Okay.
06:26And speaking of no excuses,
06:28there they were.
06:29Her skinny jeans.
06:30The jeans every woman keeps in the vain hope
06:33that someday she'll fit into them again.
06:56Ladies, this is a miracle.
07:00I am in my skinny jeans.
07:02I haven't fit into these since 1985,
07:05and that is only because I had mono.
07:08Miranda, I've never noticed before,
07:10but you've got one hot ass.
07:12Really?
07:13Yeah, and you look good.
07:15How'd you do it?
07:16Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother,
07:18and stopped having any time to eat.
07:19Oh, that's a diet I won't be trying.
07:21I can't believe I am in my skinny jeans.
07:24I am never taking them off.
07:25Charlotte, can I wear these to your wedding?
07:27I'm kidding.
07:29Oh, no, it's just...
07:30I just feel kind of silly
07:32that I made such a big fuss about my ring earlier.
07:34Oh, honey, a diamond that big deserves a parade.
07:37But this is the second time around.
07:39I already did the showing of the ring.
07:40I already did the big wedding.
07:42You're there.
07:42It was lovely.
07:43So this time,
07:45I've decided that it should just be really small and tasteful.
07:48So no denim, right?
07:50And I don't want to disappoint you.
07:52No, I've decided not to have bridesmaids.
07:58Okay, let's go to bed.
08:04Since people often go to bars
08:06to try to get someone into bed,
08:08it was only a matter of time
08:09till someone cut out the middleman
08:11and put the beds in bars.
08:12Now this is my kind of place.
08:15And I thought they were being ironic.
08:17If I had known it was going to be like this,
08:19I would have brought my bike guard.
08:22Um, bed for four, please.
08:25All the beds are booked right now.
08:26Oh, damn, that always happens to me.
08:28We're on the VIP list, Samantha Jones.
08:31Perfect.
08:32I'll be right back.
08:33I have to find bathroom.
08:34I need to pee.
08:36Oh, really?
08:37Or do you just want to stare at your ass in the mirror?
08:40Well, not to.
08:42Shake it, sister.
08:47We're ready.
08:48Follow me.
08:48I don't know.
08:49What can I say?
08:50I know how to work it in bed.
08:59And I didn't even have to buy you dinner.
09:01I'm sorry.
09:02Someone pushed me.
09:03You want me to have him killed?
09:05Would you?
09:05Just say when.
09:06When?
09:07Okay, I'm bluffing.
09:09Yeah, I know you're all tough.
09:11Yeah.
09:11I'm Peter.
09:13Miranda.
09:14Well, thank you for letting me crash.
09:17Why don't you hang out?
09:18It's not that often I have such a beautiful woman in bed with me.
09:22Oh.
09:23Okay.
09:25But move over.
09:26That's my side.
09:32All the men in here seem kind of old.
09:35That's because you're dating Smith, who's basically a zygote.
09:38I'm not dating him.
09:39I'm fucking him.
09:40Now I'm looking for someone else to fuck.
09:42Well, I think you may have come to the right place.
09:45This place is awesome.
09:48Oh, no.
09:49It's Gilbert's friend.
09:51Oh, where?
09:52In the next bed.
09:53Oh, God, I hate New York.
09:55Is there no other club opening tonight?
09:58Should I, too?
09:59Ignore them.
10:00No, I can't.
10:01It'll get back to Burger that I acted childish.
10:04Just go over there and say hi.
10:06Act like Burger's the last thing on your mind.
10:08Right.
10:09I'll take the high road.
10:10I'll be calm and classy and just say hello.
10:16Billy, hi.
10:17Hey, Carrie.
10:23Hi, how are you?
10:24Fucking great.
10:25Chris, Andrew, this is Burger's girlfriend, Carrie.
10:28Is Burger with you?
10:32Um, this is kind of uncomfortable, but we broke up this morning.
10:39Oh.
10:40Man, I'm sorry to hear that.
10:42Yeah, I know you guys have all kinds of problems.
10:47Yeah.
10:51And he was bad in bed.
10:54Well, you look great, Billy.
11:01You know that angry message I didn't want to leave on Burger's machine?
11:04I just left it on his friend.
11:05What happened?
11:06I took the lowest possible road.
11:09I told him Burger was bad in bed, which isn't even true.
11:13Two times.
11:14Don't you forget anything?
11:15Why did you say that?
11:16I don't think it just came out.
11:19Well, it's understandable.
11:20You're suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome.
11:23Oh, I need to find a way to erase that message.
11:25Go back over there and explain.
11:27Just tell them you're hurt and that you didn't mean it.
11:30Oh, great.
11:30Now I have to admit that I'm hurt?
11:32First, a little nerve clique.
11:38No problem.
11:40No problem.
11:40No problem.
11:47Hey, that thing I said before, terrible and not true.
11:52He was fine in bed.
11:54Great, in fact.
11:57Fireworks.
11:58Rockets.
11:59I don't even know why I said that.
12:04I'm hurt, okay?
12:06Sure.
12:07Breakups are tough.
12:08Yes.
12:09Under normal circumstances, they are tough.
12:12And in this case, tougher.
12:14Look, I don't want to drag you into this, but, uh, Burger broke up with me on a post-it.
12:25Yeah, I know, as Burger's friend, you can't have a normal reaction, but just so you know,
12:30the normal reaction has been...
12:34Not that I'm going around telling everyone, just some girlfriends.
12:38You know, I'm trying to understand why someone would do that.
12:42Well, maybe he was afraid.
12:45Interesting, how so?
12:46Women can get really angry.
12:48Well, I assure you, I would have been very understanding.
12:52Right.
12:53Excuse me?
12:54But, you all say that, but then you just freak and get all psycho bitch.
13:00Really?
13:02So, now it's our fault.
13:03All we're saying is there really is no good way to break up with someone, is there?
13:07Well, it's funny you should mention that, Billy, because, actually, there is.
13:12You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face that you no longer want
13:18to see her.
13:19Call me crazy, but I think that you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner
13:24that does not include an email, a doorman, or a missing persons report.
13:28I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy
13:31and actually have the uncomfortable breakup conversation, because here's what.
13:37Avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy.
13:40And just so you know, Alan...
13:42Andrew.
13:43Uh-huh.
13:43Most women aren't angry, irrational psychos.
13:46We just want an ending to a relationship that is thoughtful and decent
13:52and honors what we had together.
13:55So, my point, Billy, is this.
13:57There is a good way to break up with someone, and it doesn't include a post-it.
14:04Oh.
14:05Okay.
14:14Much better.
14:15You think we have to get out of here immediately?
14:21So...
14:22What?
14:23Your boyfriend?
14:24Me?
14:25No.
14:26Right.
14:27I don't.
14:28Come on.
14:29How is that possible?
14:34I have no idea.
14:36Well, neither do I.
14:38You're hot.
14:40Hi.
14:41Sorry.
14:41We're leaving.
14:42I just learned you should never go to bed angry.
14:45Oh.
14:46Whoa.
14:48Oh.
14:50Well, it was really great meeting you.
14:52It was good to meet you.
14:54I'll see ya.
14:56And thanks.
14:57For what?
15:05Okay, so I'm angry.
15:06So those guys will tell Burger that I'm angry.
15:08I can live with that.
15:09Come on, bro.
15:09Give me a head.
15:10Can I sit back?
15:12Ooh.
15:12Can you take that all night?
15:13Ooh.
15:13You got it, man.
15:14That's right.
15:15Do you smell that?
15:16Pot.
15:17Oh.
15:18I don't know where we're going.
15:19Let's get high.
15:20I'd get high.
15:21Wait.
15:22Are you serious?
15:23Yes.
15:24That's exactly what my mind needs.
15:26Cloudiness.
15:27I'm still too lucid on the facts of the day and night.
15:30Hey, when was the last time you smoked pot?
15:32I think I was wearing these jeans.
15:34I'm not smoking pot.
15:35Post it.
15:37How would we even get any?
15:38Well, I'd call my dealer, but he's at the cake.
15:41Oh, damn those dealers and their summer houses.
15:44I'll ask those guys.
15:47Excuse me, fellas.
15:50Excuse me.
15:53Hey, um, my friends and I were wondering if you knew her-
15:58I don't like her in those jeans.
16:00Is this safe to buy pot from strangers?
16:03They're not strangers.
16:03They're new friends with pot.
16:05Okay.
16:05You're such an idiot, dude.
16:09Okay.
16:11They're going around the corner to drown the hound.
16:14There's a guy there who deals, and I get the one with the glasses.
16:18Why?
16:18When she scores, she scores.
16:21All right.
16:22What's up, Tommy?
16:28Drown the hound.
16:30And I thought they were being ironic.
16:34I see our guys.
16:39If that last place was called Bed, then this should be called Smell.
16:43Well, hold your nose.
16:45I promised Smith I'd watch them on TRL.
16:47And this dump has a TV.
16:51What is all up the floor?
16:53Peanut shells.
16:55Why?
16:55I don't know.
16:57Do peanut shells have to happen for a reason?
17:00What can I get?
17:01Here's a 20.
17:03I assume in a place like this that covers three drinks and a channel change.
17:07Does the bride need another Jell-O shot?
17:09Do it.
17:10Yes!
17:13Hey.
17:15Look at that.
17:17I'm so happy.
17:20Surprise!
17:21Hey, sweetie.
17:22What's wrong?
17:24I just...
17:25I wish I'd never been married before.
17:27But if you hadn't married Trey, you wouldn't have met Harry.
17:30I know.
17:31It's just...
17:31I hate that this is my second ring.
17:34And that this is my second marriage.
17:36And I hate that I finally found the love of my life.
17:38And I can't celebrate it in a big, big way.
17:41You can do whatever you want.
17:45No, I can't.
17:46It's inappropriate.
17:49Excuse me.
17:50Hi.
17:50Would you take a picture of me and my girlfriend?
17:52She's getting married.
17:54Sure.
17:59You know, she got engaged last night.
18:01That's great.
18:03Congratulations.
18:04No, no, it's my second.
18:05She's getting married to a wonderful man.
18:08And look at this rock.
18:09Oh, my gosh.
18:11That's beautiful.
18:13You have to be in a pit shop.
18:14Oh, no, that's okay.
18:16Oh, my God.
18:17Oh, my God.
18:18Oh, my God.
18:22Hi.
18:23Everyone say bride.
18:24Bride.
18:29So, where are you getting married?
18:31What's the dress look like?
18:31Oh, where's the reduction?
18:32And finally, Charlotte's inner judge was silenced by some very loud bachelorettes.
18:38Sorry.
18:39I guess he's not here tonight.
18:40Oh.
18:41Well, you can't cry over spilt pot.
18:44I could buy you a drink.
18:46I said I was buying her a drink, dude.
18:48You have a girlfriend.
18:50Gentlemen, please.
18:51That's the secret of the skinny jeans.
18:53It's not so much a state of behind as a state of mind.
18:57What do I got to do to get a feel right?
18:59Hey, what's up?
19:00I'm Lala.
19:01Now, you've seen him naked on a billboard right here in Times Square.
19:04And now he's on TRL wearing clothes, man.
19:06But it's still all good.
19:07He is the absolute hottest.
19:08The absolute awesome.
19:10The absolute hot.
19:11Give it up for Smith Jarrett.
19:13Hey.
19:15Man, we have a lot of fans in the house.
19:18Let's get right to some questions.
19:20Hi, I'm Amber.
19:22Hey, what's up, Amber?
19:24Nice, relaxed, sexy, and modest.
19:27One, what is it like to be the absolute hunk?
19:30I have to say it's been a real trip, but I've met some really awesome people.
19:35You're hot enough to be on TV.
19:37Take that to the dartboard.
19:38And two, do you have a girlfriend?
19:41No, I'm still looking.
19:45I am dating, but I'm not seeing anyone special.
19:50And even though Samantha had designed it herself, she realized no one special was another label she didn't care for.
19:58I changed my mind.
20:01Kiss me.
20:03And to prove that Smith was no one special to her, she kissed someone even less special.
20:08Unfortunately, he was someone special to a somewhat drunk person.
20:12What the fuck do you think you're doing?
20:14What happened?
20:15She kissed Frankie.
20:16Oh, who the fuck do you think you are, huh?
20:18Fucking city girls.
20:19You think you're such hot shit that you could go around kissing other girls' boyfriends?
20:22I'm going to kick your ass.
20:24I'm going to slap the shit out of you.
20:26Oh, my God.
20:28Relax.
20:29You fucking relax.
20:35If I ever fucking see you again, I'm going to put my shoes to flare up your ass.
20:39You're going to take leather.
20:43Okay, I get it.
20:45Angry women can be scary.
20:47Very few women can pull off anger in a tube shop.
20:51This night is turning into a total bust.
20:55A total.
20:56Oh, my God.
20:58I love you.
21:00How did you get that?
21:02Well, apparently, $20 will buy you three drinks.
21:06A channel change and a joint.
21:09All right.
21:16Fucking mitt.
21:18Yeah.
21:23Bitter bullshit.
21:25That's what I'm talking about.
21:27Being someone's girlfriend?
21:32No good can come of it.
21:34That's what I'm saying.
21:39Wow.
21:41This is strong weed.
21:46Oh.
21:49It's Smith.
21:52Hello?
21:53Hi, do you see me?
21:53Yes, we saw it.
21:55How'd I do?
21:56Perfect.
21:56Just like we planned.
21:58Welcome to the wind.
21:59Can you hear me?
22:01I'm not getting any reception here.
22:03Let me...
22:04Hello?
22:05Are you there?
22:06As I contemplated the fact that my relationship had gone to pot, literally,
22:11I realized no high or low would make this day any day other than the day I got broken up
22:18with by a post-it.
22:21Please, stay right away, you are.
22:26That's the way it goes.
22:27We have to take her downtown.
22:29Officer, please.
22:30I am a lawyer and a mother.
22:31This woman is my friend.
22:32She is an extremely law-abiding citizen.
22:34Who just broke the law.
22:36Yes, but in her defense, she has had a very, very bad day.
22:40Her boyfriend just broke up with her.
22:42On a post-it.
22:43Come on.
22:44That didn't happen.
22:48I'm sorry.
22:49I can't.
22:50Don't hate me.
22:53Wow.
22:54Brutal.
22:56Tell you what.
22:57I'll write you up for smoking in a bar.
22:59Oh, come on.
23:00Can't you just let her off?
23:02I'm sorry.
23:02I can't.
23:04Don't hate me.
23:07Oh, hear that?
23:09It's midnight.
23:10The official end to what will now be known as the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie.
23:19I said doobie.
23:21It's crap.
23:23You didn't get arrested.
23:25See?
23:26Your post-it was your get-out-of-jail-free card.
23:29So if you never met Berger, then you wouldn't...
23:31Stop.
23:31You're killing my buzz.
23:33I have to say, I'm starting to agree with Charlotte's way of thinking.
23:36If I hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant by Steve, I never would have had Brady.
23:41Oh.
23:42I'm not finished and had no time to eat.
23:45So I never would have fit into my skinny jeans and realized this city is full of cute men.
23:50Now that's my kind of thinking.
23:53Carrie, don't bug our shit.
23:56Okay, I know what I learned from my burger relationship.
24:07Wait a minute.
24:07I just had it.
24:11What?
24:12You know what?
24:13I changed my mind.
24:15You don't think everything happens for a reason?
24:17No, no, not about that.
24:18About the wedding.
24:19I really want you guys to be my bridesmaids.
24:24You don't have to wear the matching dresses, I promise.
24:27Can I get that in writing?
24:30Oh, I think I've had enough.
24:32My jeans just popped.
24:40I might never find a lesson in why Berger and I split.
24:43But at least for the moment, there was a banana split.
24:55My career had reached new heights, literally.
24:59An editor at New York Magazine thought I would be the perfect person to write about the ultimate challenge for
25:04swingers, the flying trapeze.
25:06Would you rather be a Jeffrey?
25:08They're having a sale on stripes.
25:10That's not supportive.
25:13Step on up.
25:14Good.
25:15That's good.
25:16That's good.
25:17Come around to my side.
25:19I'm going to take off your climbing lines and strap on your safety harness.
25:23Yes, please strap on anything that will keep me from plummeting to my death.
25:26Toes over the edge, feet shoulder-width apart and just a little bit more.
25:31That's good.
25:31Head up.
25:32Now put your right hand out in front of you.
25:35I've got you.
25:36Good.
25:36Are you ready to grab the bar?
25:38I'm ready to go to the bar.
25:39Does everyone say that?
25:40Pretty much.
25:42Okay.
25:42Hold the bar in one hand.
25:43You're queen of the world!
25:45You're queen of the world!
25:47Ha-ha!
25:47All right.
25:48That's good.
25:49Keep your head up.
25:50Don't look down.
25:51Are you ready?
25:53And...
25:54Hup!
25:56Woo!
26:00Swing out, sister!
26:03Two hours later, I was hooked.
26:07Danny, are you watching?
26:08I'm about to try a catch!
26:09Maybe you should quit while you're alive.
26:12Totally do this.
26:14Just listen to me and trust me.
26:17Hup!
26:19All right.
26:19Legs up.
26:21Take your hands off and reach for me.
26:24This time you got it.
26:26Let go!
26:27Let go!
26:28No!
26:29No, no, no, no, no, no.
26:32That day, I didn't get caught.
26:36But Samantha's zipper did.
26:55This is one of the frustrating things about living alone.
26:58There's not always somebody around to rip your clothes off.
27:10Hey, Smith.
27:12Want to come over and do me?
27:15What she meant was undo me, but two birds with one stone.
27:20And in Central Park, a photographer attempted to catch two lovebirds sitting on a stone.
27:27Honey, a little less teeth.
27:29Just relax your lips.
27:30Oh, no, now you're squinting.
27:32A lesser man might have told Charlotte to take a flying leap, but Harry loved her too much.
27:38I thought the point was to look natural.
27:40That's what I'm trying to get you to do.
27:42Well, one might ask, how natural is it to be sitting in Central Park in a suit?
27:46Honey, I read the wedding section religiously, and I know what they're looking for, and not all pictures are selected.
27:52And I really, really want there to be a York Goldenblatt announcement of our wedding in the Sunday time, so
27:57please, just a little less teeth.
27:59Charlotte York, I cannot wait to marry you.
28:04That's perfect.
28:05That's it.
28:05I was having a moment.
28:06Oh, it's...
28:08Oh, it's...
28:09Wow, lipstick.
28:11Wait, no, no, sorry.
28:12No kissing pictures is tacky.
28:15And...
28:24She also got something for you.
28:29It's aromatherapy.
28:30Oh.
28:32Huh.
28:34You know, I was thinking, maybe we should figure out a time for the two of you to meet.
28:39What?
28:40Why?
28:40Well, she's around Brady, and I know you're not so comfortable with that.
28:44I'm completely comfortable.
28:45I don't need to meet her.
28:46I trust you.
28:48She bought me a fucking candle.
28:51And it was an aromatherapy candle for serenity and calm.
28:56I was much more serene and calm before the fucking candle.
28:59Women with candles replace women with cats as the new sad thing.
29:03Oh, and get this.
29:04He thinks I should meet her.
29:06I sense that he wants us to become friends.
29:08Oh, no, no, no, no.
29:09Forget it.
29:10You do not need to become friends with a new girlfriend.
29:12It's unnatural, uncomfortable, insincere, and rife with ulterior motives.
29:17Does this happen to you?
29:19No.
29:19I'm just being supportive.
29:20But there is a baby involved.
29:22Exactly.
29:23She's using Brady to get to me, and I am not falling for it.
29:27Oh, speaking of falling, I tried the trapeze yesterday for that piece that I'm writing.
29:31I mean, I could never have the most terrible fear of heights.
29:35Well, I do not.
29:35You've seen my shoes.
29:36So did you fly through the air with the greatest of ease?
29:39At first, but then I couldn't do a catch.
29:41All I had to do was let go and reach for the guy who was very cute, and I still
29:44couldn't do it.
29:45You are insane for getting into a harness without even the hope of an orgasm.
29:50Hello, ladies.
29:51Hi, hi.
29:52Hi, Harry.
29:53Hi, Howie.
29:54Hi.
29:54Everyone, this is Harry's best friend, Howie Halberstein, in from Portland.
29:58We're not crashing.
29:59I'm just here to drop off the photoproofs.
30:01And the seating chart.
30:03We're going to have a quick bite to eat, and then I'm going to take the place cards to the
30:06calligrapher.
30:07And after that, if there's time, we're going to go around the corner and try to find our balls.
30:12Yes, Harry knows how to show a guy.
30:13Good time.
30:14Howie, this is Samantha and Miranda.
30:17And Harry.
30:18Hi.
30:19Hi, how are you?
30:20Good.
30:20Good.
30:22Good guy.
30:22You two, I see it happening.
30:26Harry.
30:26Oh.
30:27Oh.
30:28So, uh, Carrie, I was thinking maybe you might show Howie around a little later.
30:32Unless Harry needs me to ice a cake or something.
30:35No.
30:35Well, um, I'm, I'm, I, I'm kind of busy.
30:40Because I, I have to do a, a flying trapeze thing.
30:43That is so weird, because I have a lion taming thing tomorrow, so that's out for me.
30:48But, you know, if you change your mind, I will give you my business card.
30:52Okay.
30:53There you go.
30:55All my lines on there.
30:56Okay.
30:57Call me, I'll be waiting by the phone.
30:58Okay, okay.
31:01What's wrong with you?
31:02He was funny and cute.
31:05Yeah, and in town for a week.
31:07What's the point?
31:08That is the point.
31:09It's the best possible scenario, because you know he's leaving.
31:12But it's, it's like, whatever happens, there's an expiration date.
31:17It's expiration dating.
31:19It isn't dating.
31:19It sucks.
31:21It's fun.
31:22It's a fling.
31:23Oh, please.
31:24I'm too old for a fling.
31:25I can barely do a swing.
31:27And if you will excuse me, I have to go home so I can write about the fact that I
31:31couldn't
31:31do a catch.
31:32He is a catch.
31:33You should do him.
31:36When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
31:41Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.
31:44You could break a bone or a heart.
31:47You look before you leap, and sometimes you don't leap at all,
31:50because there's not always someone there to catch you.
31:53And in life, there's no safety net.
31:57When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
32:00I decided it was time to leave fear behind and have some fun.
32:26Don't forget the candles.
32:31You think this is the first wedding I ever planned?
32:32Jesus Christ, you're worse than me.
32:34We want candles, candles, candles.
32:35And I don't want short, stubby, little broken-off dick candles.
32:38I want long tapers.
32:40All right.
32:41Call me right back.
32:42Ta-da.
32:44It's okay?
32:45Okay.
32:46You're Audrey Hepburn.
32:47Oh, it's...
32:48I'm so excited about this wedding.
32:50We're going to do everything according to tradition.
32:52We're going to smash the glass and the signing of the ketubah.
32:56The horror.
32:57Be careful.
32:58God forbid you fall off the chair.
32:59Oh, the horror.
33:00The horror.
33:01Well, maybe we won't do the chair thing.
33:03You have to.
33:04That's the big finish.
33:05Just remember when you're up there.
33:06Pretend you're having a good time.
33:08Hang on for dear life.
33:09And for fuck's sake, keep your legs together.
33:11Nobody wants to see the bride's beaver.
33:12Shh.
33:13Don't say that in front of my dress.
33:17Hello, York residents?
33:19Yes, we have a minute.
33:20It's the New York Times fact checker.
33:22Yes, Goldenblatt has two T's.
33:25Sure.
33:26Fax it over.
33:30This calls for a horror.
33:32Oh, my God.
33:38What are you doing here?
33:39Don't look at me.
33:40Don't look at me.
33:41Jesus Christ, shower my ear.
33:42You're not supposed to see me in my dress.
33:44This is bad luck.
33:45Very bad luck.
33:46Close your eyes.
33:47Keep them closed.
33:49Oh, no.
33:50This is so bad.
33:53Are all brides like that?
33:55That's nothing.
33:56I once had a girl in Long Island give herself a stroke.
33:59She pulled it together for the big day, though.
34:07Hopefully I'll get cell reception down in Mexico.
34:09Uh-huh.
34:09Samantha, a fan of expiration dating, was about to enjoy one of the benefits of dating an actor.
34:16Location, location, location.
34:17It's going to be cool working with Gus Van Sant.
34:19Uh-huh.
34:22Here.
34:22Let me.
34:26I can't believe we don't get to spend my last night together.
34:29Are you dying?
34:30No.
34:31Then it's not your last night.
34:35There.
34:38I'm going to miss you, Samantha.
34:40Oh, save that performance for Mr. Van Sant.
34:42It's just two weeks.
34:44It's a long time.
34:45Would you get out of here already?
34:47I'm late as it is.
34:49Yeah, yeah.
34:50And listen.
34:51When you're on location, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
34:54What does that rule out?
34:55Well, there are things.
34:59Karaoke.
35:01I don't do that.
35:04He flies through the air with the greatest of ease.
35:10That daring young boy on the flying trapeze.
35:14This is it.
35:15It's a very nice building.
35:18Miranda!
35:19I can't find my keys.
35:21Look it up.
35:21You still have keys?
35:22I'm not home.
35:23Because of Brady.
35:24Do you understand?
35:25I'm already at Charlotte's.
35:28I am not home.
35:35It's Miranda here.
35:37She is not home.
35:39Oh, that's too bad.
35:41I was really looking forward to meeting her.
35:43She is not home.
35:45Magda, this is Debbie.
35:47Nice to meet you.
35:49All right.
35:50So we just need to grab some things out of Brady's crib.
35:52Last time I forgot Mr. Elephant and Brady acted like a big baby, didn't you, B-boy?
35:58He is a big baby.
35:59I mean, I mean, I mean, I have not cleaned that room yet.
36:06That's all good.
36:11This is a nice room.
36:13She has nice taste.
36:14Yeah, I helped build the crib.
36:16Really?
36:17Whoa.
36:21What's wrong, Brady?
36:23Did you drop your binky?
36:26Where's your binky?
36:28Right there.
36:29Oh.
36:31Here you go, Brady-licious.
36:34Hey, want to go to Blockbuster and rent a tape or something?
36:37Okay, but this time I get to pick.
36:42Bye.
36:42Bye, Magda.
36:51There's a lot of dust down there.
36:53You really should vacuum under...
37:02That night we all gathered at Charlotte's casual rehearsal dinner.
37:05You're like a lint ray.
37:07What's happening back here?
37:09That Debbie is crazy.
37:11She came to my apartment with Steve, totally ambushed me.
37:14I had to hide under the bed to avoid them.
37:17Seriously?
37:18Maybe.
37:19What did you see here?
37:20Just her shoes and her nails.
37:22And?
37:23Both acrylic.
37:25You know what?
37:25Maybe you should just meet her and get it over with.
37:27I don't want to meet her.
37:28If I meet her, she's real, and that means Steve has an actual girlfriend.
37:32Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had trouble letting go.
37:35Hey, what's happening there?
37:38Oh, you know.
37:39Bride, bride, bride.
37:40Blah, blah, blah.
37:41Hey, I just saw your fling go into the bedroom.
37:43It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
37:45Still no.
37:46Oh?
37:47It's just casual sex.
37:48Nothing's casual anymore, not even when it says so on the invitation.
37:53Just go in there and see what happens.
37:55Worst comes to worst, you can always hide under the bed.
38:01I decided they were right.
38:02It was time to get back in the swing of things.
38:11See you later, Alec.
38:12Oh, hey.
38:13How are you?
38:15Wow.
38:16This is kind of uncomfortable.
38:18Look, would you please stop calling me?
38:20I don't have time to chat.
38:22I've got boutonnieres on my mind.
38:24I'm sorry.
38:25I never called.
38:26No, I understand.
38:26You're busy.
38:27That time of year.
38:28You know, final exams for clown college or something.
38:31And what would that entail, you think?
38:33You know, the seating arrangements in the little car, walking in the floppy shoes.
38:36Squirting flower and nose application.
38:38Continual pieing.
38:40The clown kissing.
38:41Maybe I would have a fling.
38:43After all, how bad could it be?
38:51That night, Howie and I had sex like we were teenagers again.
38:55Meaning, he had no idea what he was doing and I didn't say anything.
39:05Meanwhile, Samantha was banging around as well.
39:11You have one new message.
39:16Hey, I'm here.
39:17It's pretty cool.
39:19Miss me yet?
39:22That's the thing about getting used to a man.
39:24There's always a catch.
39:29It's here.
39:30It's here.
39:31Not just your wedding day, but the New York Times.
39:39Oh, my God.
39:41I have a mustache.
39:44It's an ink stain.
39:46Hey, but look at me now.
39:47That is a terrific smile.
39:49This is a nightmare.
39:51It's probably just our paper.
39:53Anyway, who cares?
39:54We're getting married today.
39:56I look like...
40:03What?
40:04In your wedding section, does it look like I have a mustache?
40:07Oh.
40:08Hang on a minute.
40:11As I feared, my fling had become a pain in the neck.
40:14You do not look like Hitler.
40:17Frito Bandito, maybe.
40:19The bad luck is starting already.
40:23Hmm.
40:25Yeah.
40:27There's a little something.
40:29But maybe it's just my paper.
40:31And your paper.
40:33I have to go.
40:34Clearly, Charlotte was bent out of shape.
40:36And so was I.
40:38Come on, Granny.
40:39I'll take you to the early bird special.
40:41Oh, God.
40:42Oh, God.
40:43Don't make me laugh.
40:44It hurts.
40:45Is this still from your days as a flying Wilenda?
40:48Well, that's my official story.
40:49And it's partially true that this is a sex sprain.
40:54Good for you.
40:55No, it was not good for me.
40:57It was jackrabbit sex.
40:59You know, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.
41:01Are straight men still allowed to do that?
41:03No, they aren't.
41:04It's bad.
41:05It's basically masturbating with a woman instead of your hand.
41:08I don't enjoy.
41:10Carrie, you made it.
41:12Oh, hi.
41:14Hi.
41:15The jackrabbit?
41:16Uh-huh.
41:18I better...
41:19Hop to it.
41:22Hi.
41:23Hi.
41:23Hi.
41:27You look hot.
41:29Oh, man.
41:33Guess what?
41:34What?
41:35I got a suite at the Mercer for later.
41:37King-size bed.
41:39Huge tub.
41:40We can have breakfast before I leave.
41:42Unless, of course, we're busy doing something else.
41:44Hmm?
41:47Yeah.
41:48I don't know.
41:50I'm pretty tired from last night.
41:52Yeah, well, I'm only going to be in town for another day, and I want to get to know you
41:56better.
41:59Well, okay.
42:01We'll see.
42:02We'll see.
42:05I know what we'll see means.
42:06It means see ya.
42:08No.
42:09No, the thing is, you're just visiting, so I figured...
42:19I...
42:20I figured it...
42:21It was a one-night kind of thing.
42:25Just fun.
42:29Wow.
42:32If I'd known you were just using me, I wouldn't have made love to you like that.
42:41We are here today to celebrate the union of two very special people, Harry Goldenblatt and Charlotte York.
42:49It's important for everyone here to be a witness to this moment, for the Jewish wedding ceremony has two parts.
42:57The first designates to the community that the kala, bride, and the hatan, groom, are for one another alone.
43:09And the second part gives them to one another.
43:13It's a gift and a huge responsibility.
43:36As one man slipped a ring on, one woman was still trying to slip a bracelet off.
43:44You're listening to the movie.
43:45Oh, oh!
43:49Ow, ow, ow, ow!
43:51Sorry.
43:52Back, back, back, sorry.
43:54I'm sorry.
44:00Ow.
44:01Ow.
44:07Ow.
44:14It seemed to Charlotte that the wedding had gone from Jewish law to Murphy's law.
44:45Hey, Charlotte, are you okay?
44:48This is a disaster. It's the worst wedding in history.
44:51That's not true.
44:53Although I only saw most of it from here down.
44:56Harry never should have walked in on me wearing my wedding dress.
44:59Now we're cursed.
45:00You're not cursed.
45:02You're married.
45:03You just got married.
45:05I know, but I wanted everything to be perfect.
45:10Okay, you have to stop with the tears.
45:12You already had the perfect wedding, and the marriage, not so perfect.
45:17You know, I think this is a good sign.
45:19I think the worse the wedding, the better the marriage.
45:22I have a stain on my dress.
45:24That's good. That's a good sign.
45:27You're just trying to make me feel better.
45:30No, I'm trying to get you to open your eyes because you're missing it.
45:34What?
45:35Everything.
45:35You're missing your wedding.
45:38You have a wonderful man who loves you, who will be there to catch you when you fall.
45:43Do you know how special that is?
45:44I would love to find a man who is strong enough to catch me.
45:51So, let's get to that reception so you can fall on a cake or something.
45:55Okay.
45:57Oh, dear.
45:59Oh, dear.
46:00I'm okay.
46:01Perfect.
46:02Still, of course.
46:04Oh, Christ.
46:06Oh, Christ.
46:08Best of luck to you.
46:10Are you okay?
46:14Oh, yeah.
46:15I'm just feeling a little sad.
46:17It was just so beautiful.
46:19The ceremony?
46:20My bracelet.
46:27Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
46:29Oh, God.
46:29It's time for the toast.
46:30Top me off.
46:31I'm next.
46:31I would like to raise a glass to Harry and Charlotte because they found each other despite all
46:41the bullshit, hey, hey, it's tough out there.
46:47I mean, people don't care like they used to.
46:51People leave you hanging.
46:54People are a bitch.
46:57Is this a toast or a roast?
46:59So, here's to love.
47:01And love means never, ever having a say.
47:10You used me for sex.
47:14Thanks, Howie.
47:16That's nice.
47:17Hey, Mazel Tov.
47:19It was a Mazel Tov cocktail.
47:24Carrie said, the worse the wedding, the better the marriage.
47:28Well, then I think Howie just got us to our silver.
47:31Huh.
47:34Hi.
47:35Um, hello.
47:37Great.
47:37Um, I would like to congratulate my very brave friend, Charlotte, who knows what she wants
47:48and who goes for it.
47:51Not everyone can do that, especially when it comes to love.
47:57Some of us can't even say the words, but...
48:10Sorry, hon.
48:11Good speech, Tom.
48:13Maybe Miranda just got us to our gold.
48:15Thank you very much.
48:54He's certainly acrobatic.
48:57Oh, yeah.
48:58He's a regular jerk to soleil.
49:03Do you think everyone knows I slept with him?
49:06Yes.
49:06And they all think you're a big horror.
49:15I don't like this.
49:16I'm afraid.
49:17Now what?
49:17What's the worst that can happen?
49:19We'll live happily ever after?
49:31And of course, this being a wedding, there was one more catch to go.
49:35Okay.
49:35Oh, who's ready to catch the bouquet?
49:38Not me.
49:39I've lit myself on fire.
49:41I've showed emotion in public.
49:43I think I'm done.
49:44Oh, you were fabulous.
49:47I believe you're being flammable.
49:53Okay, now you're done.
49:54It wasn't a perfect catch.
49:57If I just...
50:02And neither was mine.
50:07But I survived.
50:09Because I have a good safety net.
50:19Everything is over.
50:21What's the matter?