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00:05in a single gal's life there are three important firsts the first time you have
00:11sex the first time you have good sex and the first time you see a guy you just
00:17started dating's apartment hey come on in wow oh nice very nice thank god you're expecting
00:36oh one never knows gentlemen left to their own devices oh you name it i've seen it leather couches
00:47two foot bongs dead body in the corner good body huh i only went out with him for a week
00:52after that
00:54but uh so far nothing in here says scary bachelor except me hey i really like the school color yeah
01:05i can't take credit for that that's uh lauren ralph lauren no lauren lauren my ex girlfriend
01:10she was the decorator oh uh-huh i'm sorry is that weird please please
01:16you have a decorator i have a decorator there's really no need for the ex-decorator conversation
01:26got it
01:30should i set the alarm do you need to get up early nope i'm all yours
01:35good night good night welcome to my house
01:49oh
01:52okay what's going on there oh uh that's my sound machine i'm a troubled sleeper kind of hooked on it
02:01oh frogs yeah it's cicadas officially we're in the rain forest
02:07oh that there's a bird
02:13oh i feel like i'm camping i'm not a big fan of camping
02:17tomorrow morning i'll make you s'mores
02:19i always wondered who bought those
02:27actually it was a gift oh from yeah lauren she got it for me about two weeks after we started
02:33going
02:33out she hated it when i tossed and turned it was your therapist's idea lauren always did everything
02:38her therapy okay okay
02:43so frogs what's so bad about frogs
02:50good night you'll see after a while you won't even hear it
02:56i could only hope he was referring to his ex-decorator's name
03:01okay one drink and then we leave and one drink means one drink tell me where we're going to this
03:07again she's an old friend going through a breakup we're being supportive on a friday night she tried
03:11to kill herself it was six advil on an empty stomach the good news is i'm off the zoloft i
03:18lost 10
03:18pounds and after that asshole dumped me i realized i have this amazing gift for designing bags
03:26it's a purse party
03:31isn't this precious you can take it to lunch isn't life funny because of that
03:38fucker i've discovered i'm fendi
03:42buy away
03:49when did making bags become the fallback career someone should tell crazy that owning a hot glue
03:55gun does not make you a hot purse designer don't call her crazy look at this i'd rather carry a
04:00colossi bag ladies these aren't bags they're baggage we are standing among the ruins of her last
04:04relationship and it was one ugly breakup i resent this the only one who should have to pay for a
04:11bad
04:12relationship is the person in your next relationship true and here's hoping that isn't me
04:17last night burger started opening the x file fascinating what do you know so far well her name
04:23is lauren she bought him a sharper image sound machine she's a monster i mean we just started
04:28dating do i really need to hear about the x already yes the sooner the better maybe it should be
04:33the
04:33later the better or better yet the never the better that's good to know care you have to know
04:37where he's been so you know what you're getting as long as what you get doesn't itch i say you're
04:41fine
04:41look he has a past i have a past our pasts really have to have a present yes at least
04:46find out how
04:47they broke up that will tell you a lot about their relationship see i was hoping to skip all that
04:51and
04:51start fresh this time is that crazy no here it comes crazy look at this one little shoes isn't this
05:00fun anyone needs a balding 38 year old boyfriend with erectile dysfunction when you can have a new
05:05career and cute cater waiters excuse me champagne for the girls have fun katie hi hey doesn't that
05:15waiter look familiar i fucked him oh that guy is that waiter from raw also known as the best sex
05:22i've
05:23had in years champagne lady this party just got a whole lot more exciting okay just one glass and
05:30then we've got dinner reservations at 66 yes okay but i can't stay out late because i have a 9am
05:34conversion
05:35class at the synagogue you had a two-hour class today i know i'm accelerating my studies there's just so
05:40much to take in the history the tradition the philosophy oi you guys that was my first oi hi a
05:52whole bunch
05:54of folks just arrived so i'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets oh my god oh god i'm way too
06:17fucking fragile to see this you're fired this is my big purse party
06:31victoria does this come in any other colors do i look like a fucking department store
06:37get the fuck out of my apartment all you bitches get out of my apartment
06:41give it look what you did i cut up my bedspread for this okay dinner time
06:51the next day at temple emmanuel soon you'll be ready for your mikvah
06:56who can tell me what the mikvah is yes charlotte it's the ceremony that marks our official conversion
07:03to judaism very good and what does the service entail
07:11yes charlotte it's a ritual bath where we are immersed in water and reborn a jew
07:17very good charlotte always the straight a student took to her judaism class like a gefilte fish to
07:23water as you come to your rebirth as a jew you'll find special and new traditions to embrace however
07:30you must also bear in mind those will be letting go of your christian traditions
07:34many find christmas to be the most difficult to leave in the past you must grieve this loss
07:41it can be quite hard
07:47and speaking of the past it's half past two you're 20 minutes late i know i got held up i'm
07:54barely gonna
07:54make my appointment i'm sorry debbie had kind of trouble so i took a cab debbie who's debbie
07:59debbie the girl i've seen oh so uh brady's changed and ready to go don't forget the diaper bag and
08:07please try to have him back on time tomorrow i'm sorry i'm never late it's just her steve i don't
08:12need
08:12to know i just need you not to be 20 minutes late again thanks
08:21excuse me rabbi minch yes charlotte um i was just wondering what you said about christmas
08:27how exactly black and white is that charlotte as a jew you have to embrace the new holidays
08:33and let go of the old keeping christmas would be like being a vegetarian and still eating meat well
08:39i wouldn't go to church or anything but maybe i could still have a tree no
08:47caroling
08:51rudolph but rabbi minch charlotte if you are serious about becoming a jew
08:57you have to let go of the attachments to your past from that day on charlotte would always think
09:03of him as the minch who stole christmas that night miles from the amazon i was just drifting off to
09:20sleep when
09:21hello remember that red dress you had what where are you in california in bed oh i was sleeping
09:33alone yes you woke me up you never used to need so much sleep kid i'm old now
09:40like you
09:42so the red dress versace or gucci that tiny little strap gucci and when i slipped one strap down the
09:51other would fall remember that dress yes you look good in that dress yes
10:01i remember when i found you in your closet and just heels in a bra and i came up behind
10:07you and put
10:07your hands against the wall remember that yes so what did you do last night oh nothing i went to
10:16bed early had accidental phone sex with big what branch is suddenly looking up well actually he had
10:23phone sex i was on the other end trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it
10:26turns out there is
10:27no polite way to get out of phone sex this is i wasn't aware that you and big had phone
10:31sex occasionally
10:33since he moved away you have phone sex well i prefer to think of it not as phone sex so
10:39much as
10:39a trip down memory lane well the next time he calls just tell him that you're in a serious
10:44relationship with burger but i'm not in a serious relationship with burger we're still just dating
10:48it's it's good dating but we don't know where it's going yet well you're never going to know where
10:51it's going if you keep reminiscing with big one doesn't have anything to do with the other i just
10:56don't know why you want to drag all that big baggage into the new relationship it's not baggage it's
11:00biggage and big is no more threat to burger than lauren is to me thank you it's all in the
11:06past
11:06and on your phone bill he called me i'm a lady oh come on pudding i'll get you a pass
11:20steve has in here oh honey isn't the baby birth control enough they're steve's and debbie's his
11:27new girlfriend that's her name debbie where are they doing it jimboree debbie does daycare
11:36oh honey relax i have those in my mouth all the time later that day i got to thinking about
11:42tense
11:43relationships and by that i mean a relationship and its connection to the past present and future tense
11:50at a certain age we've all had relationships that are far from past perfect but how much does that
11:55past relationship affect our dream of a future perfect and as i became more and more tense
12:02i couldn't help but wonder can you get to a future if your past is present
12:09and over at samantha's a day of great sex was about to fade into the past are you absolutely sure
12:14you can't
12:15stay yeah i gotta pull an extra shift over at the restaurant i got fired for my other gig remember
12:22listen i do feel bad about what happened and i wanted you to have this
12:32three hundred dollars i made some calls that is what the a-list caterers pay
12:37lady you are fucking out of your mind
12:44the next morning after another fitful night of frogs so you're gonna be okay here absolutely
12:50go you know it's just stupid uh standing breakfast thing with a bunch of writer buddies i asked you
12:55along but uh we're pretty pathetic bunch please go and for the record you my friend are not pathetic
13:03how are you gonna get that you know what 9 30 in the morning one word telemarketer
13:13i think that's a two-word hyphenate hey jack it's lauren it was official lauren controlled every
13:21machine in the apartment call me i want to talk to you fuck you and fuck you bye-bye bye
13:31-bye
13:35you don't want your new boyfriend to still be in love with the ex but you don't want
13:41that is not the way you talk to your ex-decorator damn it just when you thought you didn't have
13:47to
13:47open the x-file so he's doing a fuck you to the eggs as long as he keeps fucking you
13:51what's the
13:52problem the problem is what's going on there what big thing happened between them that would cause a
13:56double-finger situation and if it wasn't big why is he still so angry does he have a problem with
14:01anger
14:01and here come the questions you're right men are crazy i fucked that waiter at the party and he got
14:08fired for it so i gave him three hundred dollars the next time we fucked and now i think he's
14:12upset
14:13okay not the same situation well i don't see what the problem is it's like a big tip
14:17no three hundred dollars in a restaurant is a big tip three hundred dollars in the bedroom
14:21is a big prostitute well at least it wasn't phone sex he called me yeah keep telling yourself that
14:31right on time and i appreciate that i do come in i'm uh i'm just getting brady ready to go
14:38out for
14:39a night with his dad packing up the old diaper bag making sure he has everything he needs uh bottle
14:48binky trojans look miranda i'm not exactly thrilled that our baby is having sex already
14:53but i sure am glad he's using protection ha ha ho ho got your point very funny no steve not
14:59funny
14:59fucked up come on it's just condoms in the diaper bag steve how much sex are you having that you
15:04need
15:04rubbers in the diaper bag what's it to you apparently some of miranda's baggage had shifted during fight
15:11i just don't think you're taking this parenting thing seriously what you show up late to pick him up
15:17one time more than one time there was that time that other time when you were late okay what's your
15:23problem this is not about me this is about your need to start taking responsibility for your child
15:27and clearly there are times when you can't because your mind is somewhere else what are you talking
15:32about like when your penis is in some girl's vagina and you're having an orgasm while our baby is
15:38quietly suffocating in the other room debbie and i never do it when he's awake okay steve you're not
15:43getting this i am saying your focus needs to be totally and completely on brady my focus is always
15:49one hundred percent on brady
16:00that night the only thing miranda and steve could agree on was separate diaper bags
16:07and may all your christmases be white
16:23hey beautiful i'm here
16:28what's all this it's my last christmas tree it's july that's right so it doesn't count
16:36charlotte honey you can have a tree lots of jews do wouldn't be appropriate look
16:45oh it's my favorite ornament silent night holy night see that's the holy family in the nativity
16:53this was my grandma york's it's so old see how there's hardly any glitter left on the baby jesus
17:00it's very rare to have a blue christmas ornament is that a fact yeah
17:06i usually red or green silver gold
17:16keep christmas who cares i do i'm gonna do this right i'm not gonna be a meat-eating vegetarian
17:23no these all have to go except this one we're keeping this what the hell they were jews too
17:31dreidel dreidel dreidel dreidel i made it out of clay and when it's something something dry and
17:40ready impressive dry and ready oh dreidel i will play
17:48that night charlotte realized the memories she was giving up might be nothing compared to the
17:53memories she was getting and samantha realized to make things right she would need to service
18:00someone else for a change hello my name is samantha i'll be your waitress this evening tonight i will be
18:08serving
18:09you you are fucking crazy oh mr waiter you have no idea you don't know my name dude of course
18:18i do paul
18:21it's jerry i took a shot when you're a waiter you must always be aware that the customer comes first
18:33it's a hard hard hard job
18:38you know uh samantha i'm not just a waiter oh is that right jamie jerry you're right yeah i'm an
18:48actor
18:51oh god there goes my heart on
18:57well it's a good thing i still have mine
19:01samantha had had many waiters in her past but to the present day this was her very first jerry
19:12as for me i spent another night not sleeping in burger's bed
19:26you okay no i can't sleep the frogs no the frogs are fine what's up nothing nothing go back to
19:36sleep
19:41jesus it's the frogs i'll turn it off no no it's not the frogs
19:50it's lauren what about her okay for the record i was hoping to skip this and start fresh
19:56but what's going on with you and the double finger the double what the other day to the answering machine
20:05do we need to talk about this she just drives me crazy you know she keeps calling here she wants
20:11to go out to lunch for closure that's her word i would never say closure certainly not at two
20:15in the morning she keeps bugging me she thinks it's important in order to move on
20:26what do you think i think that it's going to take a lot more than a lunch
20:35what no it's embarrassing
20:42she cheated on me that's how it ended uh she broke my heart and pretty much killed me and uh
20:49i was dead till you
20:59and then there is another important first the first time you realize this really might be something
21:06you ever been that hurt you ever been that hurt yeah you want to tell me about it
21:17and just like that we moved out of the present and into our future how much time you got that
21:24i got all
21:27so now it was time to clear up the past
21:45hey it's me well hello there have you got a minute yeah sure i'm just relaxing in my hot tub
21:52hot tub oh shame on you that is such a cliche no a jacuzzi is cliche
21:59a hot tub is retro hey remember the time we were in the jacuzzi in the four seasons okay okay
22:06hold
22:06on there partner this is not going to be one of those types of calls what type of call i
22:11was talking
22:11about when you lost your necklace in the jets oh but if you'd like to make it one of those
22:16phone calls
22:17i'm a dollar fifty for the first minute and fifty cents for each additional please stop what's on
22:22your mind baby i was just calling to tell you that we won't be having any more of those calls
22:30oh
22:32really why is that because we're just friends now those are friendly calls i don't talk to my friends
22:39like that i do well maybe that's why you have so few you got me there
22:49i started seeing someone were you seeing someone the other night yes but it just got serious
22:57i see so i think we have to leave all that in the past consider it in the past but
23:06we'll stay friends
23:09ah friends good friends his name is jack burger he's a writer as well
23:21okay kid hey give me a call sometime any kind of call you want
23:36that night in the basement of a synagogue after 75 accelerated classes charlotte the episcopalian
23:43princess was reborn a jew leaving the old charlotte behind was this tug drain before me
24:04hey hey i finally figured out what you needed oh yeah i thought about it and i thought about it
24:12and
24:12i narrowed it down to two choices a pulitzer prize or this well i already have a pulitzer you do
24:21yeah it's
24:22i don't like to brag well then i chose right it's for a fresh start it's the newest sound machine
24:30they make with many other sounds besides frogs i don't care for frogs new start new sound deal deal deal
24:51that same night next to burger and surf sounds number four i slept more soundly than i had
24:58in as long as i could remember
25:14in new york city it is a statistical fact that once every seven minutes
25:20an unsuspecting woman
25:22shut the fuck up dates an actor let me go my husband will be home any minute for samantha
25:28one of the perks of dating jerry the actor was getting to stage full-scale fantasy productions
25:33please please don't hurt me i'll do anything anything just shut the fuck up
25:38shut the fuck up oh you are really good i said shut the fuck up no you shut the
25:47fuck up and fuck me before my husband gets home now and then he pretended to tie my hands behind
25:53my
25:53back and the whole time he kept screaming shut the fuck up shut the fuck up i tell you it
25:58is so
25:59refreshing to be with someone who likes to outside the box and this is my friend samantha the wallflower
26:06right that is incredibly offensive violence against women is a very serious issue oh please it was a
26:13fantasy fantasies can't be censored actually i think the supreme court is working on that right now
26:17all fantasies are healthy and harmless don't you agree you know as a guy i've always been under the
26:24impression that uh rape or or anything in the rape family is just not a good idea can i go
26:30home now
26:31there is no greater sound than your friends laughing at your new boyfriend's jokes well that's not the
26:35only scenario we play sometimes he's senator smith or principal smith cellmate smith okay moving
26:42on uh miranda how was your date with the real estate guy actually it wasn't horrible oh he was kind
26:48of cute and funny and hello oh dr smith thank you for returning my call
26:56excuse me he thinks i may have the mumps yes i'm swollen now that's hard
27:04so how did the date end um he walked me home i'm sorry are you maxed out on girl talk
27:09no no no i'm
27:10good i'll let you know okay so he kissed me good night at the door i invited him up he
27:17couldn't
27:17because he had an early meeting we kissed again and he said he'd call two kisses very promising you
27:24think even though he didn't come up definitely it means he likes you but he wants to take it slow
27:28that's
27:28nice burger what do you think really want to know please i would love to have a man's opinion
27:35for a change all right i'm not going to sugarcoat it for you he's just not that idiot
27:42that's not true don't listen to him oh no no i'm intrigued elaborate look i'm sorry but when a guy's
27:51really india he's coming upstairs meeting or no meeting oh that is ludicrous what about extenuating
27:57circumstances what about you're stressed out you're on deadline you have a migraine or a lot of guys
28:03are afraid of getting their feelings hurt and they don't want to ruin a friendship or or or they're
28:07freaked out by their own feelings there's a lot of push pull out there a lot of mixed messages yeah
28:12i'd
28:13have to say that's all code for he's just not that in here i'm sorry but with guys it's very
28:17simple if
28:18we're india we're coming upstairs we're booking the next date there are no mixed messages no mixed
28:24messages but i've spent my whole life deciphering mixed messages i've made a whole career of it
28:30wow he's just not that into me he's just not that into me oh honey ignore this person he doesn't
28:39know
28:39what he's talking about you were fired look if he's not india the guy's obviously a weenie so no no
28:46i love it it is the most liberating thing i have ever heard think how much time and therapy i
28:52could
28:52have saved over the last 20 years if i had known this i still think the real estate guy is
28:56gonna
28:57call yeah i think you got an uncomfortable email coming your way you know something like uh sorry
29:02i haven't called i'm in a place in the world where they don't have phones the best part of a
29:08night
29:08out with your friends is talking about them all the way home charlotte is a trip samantha's hilarious
29:14they all are they thought you were hilarious how do you not love miranda i know i love her and
29:20i
29:20love that you loved her oh god she loved you they all did and they're a tough crowd i'm a
29:26tough crowd
29:27okay your choice fudgesicle or nutty buddy oh my god i wanted this one we're perfect oh and when
29:37you went to the men's room they were always stop what are i talking about no i want to say
29:41something
29:41and i don't want you to say anything back okay you promise
29:47i love you i love you too and i'm not saying it because you said it to me i promise
29:52i was gonna say
29:53before i've been thinking it the whole night i love you i just wanted to say it again on my
29:59own
30:01in my euphoric state i knew there was only one kind of person who could tolerate me i'm in love
30:07too
30:07i'm so happy for you it's the fastest i've ever said i love you but i i literally could not
30:12hold it
30:12in my mouth and why should you there's no reason you're in love i'm in love i love harry so
30:18much it
30:18hurts sometimes i look at burger and he's so cute i just i just want to squeeze his face off
30:24this
30:25friday night is my first official shabbos so i am cooking a big traditional dinner for harry
30:31i'm so excited to finally be a real jew here's your brisket lady listen listen i said lean
30:43just when i thought my week couldn't get any better i came home to find a little surprise from burger
31:01from burger's book to samantha's books
31:06i'm sorry miss jones but you owe the u.s government 300 000 in bad taxes but auditor smith i
31:14don't have
31:14that kind of money what are you going to do take the shirt off my back this is what i
31:28call internal
31:29revenue in my fantasy hurricane pandora would be brilliant in reality it was
31:47all right if you're still not finished it's all over between us i just finished it just this minute
31:51i swear did you stop for meals hey it's been two days it's 400 pages yeah well i can't date
31:58a slow
31:58reader are you done question is are you done yes i'm done and if you would shut your trap i
32:05could tell you
32:07that i love love loved it i loved it except for one huge problem you have your leading lady running
32:17all over town wearing a scrunchie a scrunchie uh the hair thing what's wrong with that well nothing
32:26unless you're writing about women on the island of manhattan in which case uh where do i begin
32:30what are you talking about a lot of new york women wear scrunchies uh in the bathroom maybe when
32:35they're washing their faces you're full of shit i see women every single day all over new york city
32:40that weren't scrunchies okay but here's the thing here's my crucial point no woman who works at w
32:46magazine and lives on perry street would be caught dead at a hip downtown restaurant wearing a scrunchie
32:54man it's a good thing i came along because you may know the fellas but i know the ladies great
33:00okay
33:02can i read you my favorite part no i'm done talking about the book we order in
33:07he completely shut down why why did i have to get up on my sassy horse and ruin everything yeah
33:18sass
33:18will bite you on the end and the thing that kills me is i love the book i could have
33:22gushed about it
33:23all night why did i have to go straight to the negative and just pick at it because you're in
33:27a relationship i used to pick at steve about everything the way he held his fork his grammar
33:32his dirty fingernails used to he has a new girlfriend for that now debbie do you think debbie picks at
33:39steve
33:39of course all women pick it's in our dna it's our little way of showing that we care well i
33:44think i
33:44made it abundantly clear just how much i care well you have to work it out with him burger has
33:49single-handedly changed my life i still haven't heard from the real estate guy but it's fine he's
33:54just not that into me i think right now burger's just not that into me so talk to him about
33:59it
33:59did you seem like you could laugh your way through anything yeah it's that kind of thinking that got
34:04me into this in the first place one of the signs that a female gorilla is in love is that
34:11she can be
34:12seen picking nits off her male companion
34:21and yet in humans nitpicking can ruin a perfectly good evening not to mention a relationship women are
34:28known to be more verbal than men but when does criticism that's constructive become destructive
34:35are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up
34:43the next morning another woman was making too much noise
34:49what on earth is all that banging oh good morning mrs collier i'm a jew now how are you
35:03i know he'll call eventually he's just going through a really hard time right now his boss got laid
35:08off later on her lunch hour miranda checked her blackberry there it was the uncomfortable email
35:14burger had predicted yeah when they get busy it's like oh i can't call god i'm so stressed i can't
35:20call
35:21you but he's gonna call and his kitchen's being rewired it's also complicated yeah that's like a two day
35:26process at least everything excuse me i couldn't help but overhear your conversation and i hope what
35:33i'm gonna say will save you a lot of time and energy he's just not that into you so move
35:41on
35:42have a great day having passed on the gospel to these new york women miranda could only hope
35:48they would spread the word far and wide bitch who the hell asked her not me i know you did
35:55people in new york he is so gonna call i know and as two women's fantasies were being shattered
36:00another's were being brought to life
36:02what happened samantha jones detective smith department of homicide afraid i'm gonna have
36:11to ask you some questions ma'am why certainly detective am i in some kind of trouble
36:18two martinis please straight up yes ma'am actually make mine a seltzer oh of course you're working
36:25but you know detective my little drink won't kill you he'll have a martini no it's a seltzer
36:34seriously samantha i'm in a that sobered samantha right up totally like
36:38fucked up for like eight years in seattle it's you know i just realized i have a presentation first
36:43thing in the morning so sorry
36:51jerry had taken the fantasy into dangerous territory reality
36:56two martinis no dude i said a seltzer
37:00meanwhile charlotte was hard at work on her fantasy role martha jewett okay the kugel's in the oven the
37:06matzo balls are boiling it's three hours till shabbos i think we should start braiding the challah
37:09doesn't shabbos mean day of rest i.e ordering in we're wearing aprons do you own aprons
37:16to holla okay okay you don't have to holla
37:20Miranda like this oh i don't know what i'm doing why did you call me over here because i didn't
37:28want
37:28to spend the rest of the week saying yes you had to be there hey did harry's friend ever call
37:33you
37:33yes as a matter of fact i'm seeing him tonight you think i can get away with this outfit definitely
37:38the
37:39apron softens you can you read me what's next after it's braided
37:42hmm uh oh with her high school boyfriend charlotte doodled with harry she joodled
37:51um i think it calls for two cups of mrs harry york goldenblatt
37:57did i miss something did you get married while i was at work no but that's where we're headed you
38:03forgot charlotte yorkenblatt actually i've been making some calls and i was wondering how you
38:09both felt about november november for what for our wedding most of the synagogues are booked through
38:15the fall november works for me has harry even proposed yet Miranda no he will
38:23aren't you counting your matzo balls before they rise Miranda zip the lip harry and i have an
38:29understanding about our future we don't have to talk about it all the time it's it's but shirt i
38:34don't know what that means it's meant to be
38:38i would never have gone through all this trouble if i didn't know for sure that we were getting married
38:43i'm sorry i just don't want to see you get hurt again
38:51and ever since her reality check with jerry samantha had no interest in seeing him again
38:58however when a certain government official called she was more than happy to take a meeting
39:07secret service agent smith if you're here who's protecting the president you know i changed my
39:14mind i thought of something even hotter for us to play hotter than secret service slots
39:22i'm me you're you go
39:27huh you know when i told you the other night i was an aa you bolt what's up with that
39:32jerry
39:34it is jerry isn't it i'm afraid we want different things you want to tell me all about you and
39:41i don't
39:42want you to tell me all about you it spoils the fantasy that's harsh yeah i am harsh i'm also
39:51demanding stubborn self-sufficient and always right in bed at the office and everywhere else i already
39:58knew that and that's just a little bit about me all right cool let me tell you one little thing
40:05about
40:05me see this is exactly what at least let me tell you my last name it's jared
40:14your parents named you jerry jared no wonder you drank right there would still be accountants and
40:21undercover agents in their future but that night samantha and jerry got off on playing themselves
40:28meanwhile i was looking forward to putting the scrunchie moment behind us
40:36unfortunately it was staring us in the face
40:43okay i'm sorry to have to do this but i do believe we are in the presence of a scrunchie
40:50i also do believe and correct me if i'm wrong that we are in new york city proper
40:55this woman does not appear to be washing her face she appears to be standing online at a at a
41:00hip
41:00downtown restaurant so it kind of kills your new york woman theory
41:07ah tough break brecha
41:10she's not from new york what
41:14it doesn't matter did they say how long the way it was going to be but excuse me
41:18hi i'm sorry to bother you we're just wondering what part of new york you live in
41:21oh me oh gosh i am from macon georgia but thanks you made my whole day
41:32honey did you hear that these people think i live in new york i'm so hungry why don't they
41:38go let us sit down downtown over curried lamb and chutney miranda found herself pleasantly surprised
41:45by charlotte's matchmaking skills that was one spicy biryani i know i've lost all feeling in my
41:52tongue listen um i know a great place around the corner if you want to get coffee oh uh you
41:59know i i
42:00wish i could but i really should call it a night hey it's fine i understand you're just not that
42:08into
42:08me and it's okay i get it no no no i i like you i just really have to go
42:15paul come on you can stop
42:17lying i am not lying come on be a man tell the truth i have diarrhea apparently there is one
42:27rare
42:27exception to burgers rule and it often involves curry after dinner burger ate banana cream pie and i
42:34hate my words another thing i love was the way you use the sister's phone calls as little
42:39land posts i mean um uh landmarks or um miles mile posts i don't anyway i just i just loved
42:46how
42:46those sort of punctuated the story it's just a really nice touch oh my god the introduction brilliant
42:54you're instantly on this guy's side even even though he's a complete mess you know you really just nailed
43:08him while i was working overtime charlotte's work was finally coming to an end harry you can come
43:15on in now sorry it's so late what's all this well since it's our first shabbos together i wanted to
43:21make it a little special a little this is phenomenal i just need to get the candles and then we
43:25can say the
43:37oh come on honey please turn that off we're about to eat
43:44good looking play at all
43:50smells incredible and you made brisket i cannot believe you made brisket
44:03that's what i can't believe you made brisket i don't know
44:08i know
44:09uh
44:29Good Shabbos.
44:30Good Shabbos, sweetie.
44:34I cannot believe you made all this.
44:37What did I do to deserve you?
44:39I feel the same way.
44:42I've been thinking about blessings, and you are such a blessing to me.
44:46What are you...
44:49Why is the TV on?
44:51It's on mute.
44:52Mute? Mute? We're having Shabbos dinner.
44:55It's a big game, honey.
44:56Turn it off. I want you to turn it off right this minute.
44:59But it's...
45:00Off now.
45:01Let me just watch this one pitch.
45:02I gave up Christ for you, and you can't give up the Mets?
45:06It's going to be a long life if you keep that up.
45:08I gave up Christ for you. Take out the trash.
45:10I gave up Christ for you. Pick up your socks.
45:13Do you have any idea how hard I worked to prepare this meal for you?
45:17I went to Zabar's every day this week.
45:21I had to make 30 matzo balls just to get four that were the right size and shape.
45:26Not to mention the months of studying and cramming like a maniac to convert to Judaism.
45:32And what have you done for me?
45:33Set the date.
45:35Set the date.
45:36What are you talking about?
45:38You said you couldn't marry me unless I was Jewish, and now I'm Jewish.
45:42Set the date.
45:43You're acting crazy. Do you hear yourself?
45:45Do you know how lucky you are to have me?
45:48Do you know how we look?
45:50Do you know what people out there think when they see us together? Do you?
45:54Yeah, I know what people are thinking.
45:57I just didn't think you were one of them.
46:00Finally, it was Charlotte who was on mute.
46:02I don't need this.
46:05I'm leaving.
46:10To think I bought a ring.
46:16The Mets won that night five to four, but Charlotte lost everything that mattered to her.
46:22Oh, I just remembered another hilarious part.
46:24And later, on the corner of 73rd and Maya Culver...
46:27Um, you know the scene where the, um, where the dishwasher guy is spooning up the rice checks and he's
46:32putting them back in the box?
46:33It's perfection.
46:35How did you come up with that?
46:36That's so lame.
46:38No, it was not. It was hysterical.
46:40No, I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about what you're doing right now.
46:43I just wanted you to know how much I loved your book.
46:48Because I did.
46:49And I'm sorry I muddied it up with the whole scrunchy thing.
46:52It's not that big a deal.
46:54Okay.
46:57I think I'm going to call it a night.
46:59Uh, I got to get an early start tomorrow.
47:02Are you kidding?
47:03No, thanks for dinner.
47:06Call you tomorrow.
47:07And then there are times when a New York woman should not shut the fuck up.
47:11Hey.
47:13Burger.
47:16Burger!
47:19You can't just pull that line on me and walk away.
47:22Well, this time it's true.
47:23Well, you're obviously still pissed and I'm sorry, but you can't just shut down like this.
47:28We have to be able to say what's on our minds.
47:30If you thought that I had made some kind of mistake, I would want you to tell me.
47:35Oh?
47:37Nice hat.
47:41Carrie.
47:42It's fabulous, and you just said that to hurt my feelings.
47:45Yeah, well, that's how you made me feel the other night.
47:46Fabulous.
47:48So you can just walk away now.
47:49Uh, yes, I can.
47:50Well, look, I'm sorry, all right?
47:51But what was I supposed to do with that scrunchie comment?
47:53Was I supposed to hop in my time machine and go back and fix my entire book?
47:56I don't know what your problem is, but it doesn't have anything to do with a scrunchie.
48:00Yeah, it's about the fact that my book is a big fat fucking failure.
48:03Wait, what?
48:04It's just, you know, I already feel like shit.
48:07You trying to pump me up all night, not helping.
48:12I'm not sure this is all very sexy.
48:15Probably never really were.
48:17Stop.
48:20I want to say something, and I want you to listen.
48:23You're a beautiful writer.
48:26And I loved your book.
48:29And I love you.
48:31And I still think you're very sexy.
48:42And I got nothing.
48:53Saying I love you is easy.
48:56What comes next is a little scrunchier.
49:03Harry hadn't called in two days,
49:05except to say he was sending someone over to pick up his TV.
49:12Just what New York needs, another single Jewish girl.
49:20Good morning.
49:22Good morning.
49:24What if I get in there and wash my face?
49:25Not at all.
49:29Oh my gosh.
49:31Where did we get that?
49:32What I'm making, Georgia?
49:33Why?
49:33You want to try it on?
49:35No.
49:35Oh, you're going to look so pretty with this scrunchie on me.
49:39No!
49:39No!
49:40No!
49:40No!