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00:01When you live in the city that never sleeps, it comes as a bit of a shock when somehow you
00:06manage to oversleep.
00:07Oh!
00:10Oh! Taxi!
00:19Hi! Oh, excuse me!
00:24Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry!
00:28Oh! Taxi!
00:31Oh! Taxi!
00:32Thank you!
00:34Oh!
00:39Oh!
00:40Oh!
00:45Oh!
00:47Oh!
00:48Oh!
00:50Sir!
00:51Sir!
00:52I have to be downtown in 30 minutes!
00:53Yes!
00:55No!
00:55No!
00:56No!
00:58No!
00:59No!
00:59No!
01:01Thank you!
01:03Keep it simple!
01:05Oh! Do you need a look?
01:05No!
01:10No!
01:19No!
01:21No!
01:23No!
01:24No!
01:26Excuse me!
01:26Hi!
01:27What's going to stop the station?
01:29Thank you!
01:29Oh!
01:30Excuse me!
01:40Step forward!
01:41Okay!
01:42Stop!
01:42Give it a back!
01:43Go!
01:43Here!
01:43Here!
01:45Let's go!
01:46Stop!
01:48I'm sorry!
01:49Oh!
01:53Sir!
01:54Sir!
01:54Can you hurry?
01:54I'm here to ring the bell!
01:56It's okay!
01:57Thank you!
01:57Go ahead!
01:58Go ahead!
01:59Go ahead!
02:01Go ahead!
02:01Go ahead!
02:02Go ahead!
02:03Go ahead!
02:06All right!
02:07All right!
02:07You have to put this on!
02:08And we gotta hurry up!
02:10Wow!
02:14Jesus!
02:15Jesus!
02:17Jesus!
02:18Jesus!
02:20Jesus!
02:21Jesus!
02:23Today, one of New York's favorite newspapers, the New York Star, is going public.
02:29And here to open trading is one of its favorite columnists, Kerry Bradshaw.
02:37I confess it!
02:44The day after the stock market, I met the ladies for lunch in the fashionable meat market.
02:49It was so exciting, it almost made me want to invest in something.
02:52I love the stock market.
02:53A room full of screaming, sweating men all trying to get it up.
02:56I don't invest anymore. It's too volatile.
02:59Exactly. I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet.
03:02Actually, your stock is up.
03:04I bought some shares of your newspaper yesterday.
03:06Really? Well, thank you, sweetie. Was it expensive?
03:09Oh, now you're cheap.
03:10Well, I never.
03:12Ladies.
03:15$20 for a hamburger. Oh, that's reasonable.
03:17Pathetic.
03:18When I moved to this neighborhood, the only thing that cost $20 was a handjob from a tranny.
03:22Ew.
03:23I'm serious. It's all gotten so sanitary.
03:26I mean, no smoking in bars. What's next? No fucking in bars?
03:29Well, first there would have to be a no fucking section.
03:32I mean, just look at this street.
03:33Stella McCarty, Alexander McQueen.
03:35The only designer name that belongs in the meatpacking district is Oscar Mayer.
03:39I never liked his clothes. Too fatty.
03:42But that's what's great about New York. There's always a new neighborhood, a new restaurant.
03:45A new man.
03:46Oh.
03:47That's right. Friday night. My first official date with Jack Broder.
03:52That is so exciting. Isn't that exciting?
03:54Oh, sure. It's all fun and games till someone has a child.
03:58So, what do you two have planned?
04:00Well, he hasn't said yet, so many, many outfits need to be scouted.
04:03Oh, you kids today and you're dating.
04:05I know. I feel like a girl of 35 again.
04:09Oh.
04:12Oh, I really like him.
04:13Then you better find out his bottom line right up front.
04:15If Harry had told me that he could only be serious about me if I were Jewish, I doubt I'd
04:19be in my situation.
04:20I don't get it. What kind of man passes a pussy for Purim?
04:25Soup and the tenderloin of pork.
04:29What's with the face?
04:30I didn't make a face.
04:32I said pork. You went...
04:34Well, it's just I'm confused.
04:37I mean, you can order pork, but you can't get serious about a future with me because I'm not Jewish.
04:41And from the meat market to the marriage market...
04:44Charlotte, it doesn't work that way. I'm not kosher. I'm conservative.
04:47I'm conservative, too.
04:49Yeah, well, my conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.
04:52Look, I know what you're thinking, okay?
04:54Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?
04:57Why did I sleep with you? Why did I even kiss you?
04:59Why did you?
04:59Because I couldn't not kiss you, not sleep with you, not see you.
05:03Believe me, I never thought a schick's a goddess like you would fall for a putz like me.
05:09You're not a putz.
05:11Do you even know what putz means?
05:13Yes. Schmuck.
05:16You sure you're not Jewish?
05:22And from Jewish to poo-ish.
05:25Uh, Miranda, you got a little doody on your forehead.
05:29What? Where?
05:30Oh, no. Now you got more. The other side.
05:32Which side?
05:34How's it? Well, help! It's not funny!
05:37Baby, wipe me!
05:38Get it off!
05:40I did not say it like that. Just get it off.
05:43Baby, wipe me.
05:44Oh, yeah? Let's see how you like it, huh?
05:45No, no, no.
05:46You like it?
05:46You want it on your face?
05:47No, no, no, no, no.
05:48Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. on your face?
05:49No, knock it off!
05:50Knock it off!
05:50Knock it off!
05:51Brady, help! Tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy.
05:54What?
05:58I just don't think it's so fucking funny.
05:59You weren't the one with shit on your face.
06:01You were chasing me!
06:02You know, I don't have time for this. I have to get up early.
06:05I don't even know why you're still here.
06:06You dropped off the baby hours ago.
06:08I don't have time to stand around while you read the paper and order food in and...
06:12Don't you have a life?
06:14Yeah. I got a life.
06:18Bye, Brady.
06:26I'm in love with Steve.
06:28Hold this.
06:30Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
06:34Come on. Are you seriously telling me you didn't know?
06:36Oh, I knew. I just can't believe you admitted it.
06:39I need a drink. What have you got?
06:40It's 11.30 on a Saturday morning.
06:42Did you not hear me just say I was in love with Steve?
06:46I think I got an old bottle of Galua somewhere.
06:49Okay. Hold on there, Brady. Mama needs a cocktail.
06:54Last night we were in the dining room and we were laughing and all of a sudden I looked over
06:58at him and I realized...
07:00We belong together.
07:03Oh, Miranda.
07:05Yeah.
07:06So I picked a huge fight and threw him out of my apartment.
07:08Good thinking.
07:10Okay. These Triscuits have been here since the mid-80s.
07:14I so cannot be in love with Steve. Steve so is not the guy for me.
07:19Oh, Miranda?
07:21You're right. Steve so is the guy for me.
07:24No, no, no. I was just asking if Brady can eat crackers yet.
07:27No.
07:28Oh.
07:28How can I have been wrong all these years?
07:31You weren't wrong.
07:32It just took you a while to get here.
07:36So, what are you going to do?
07:38I don't know. I have a lot invested in this relationship.
07:41Plus we have the baby.
07:42Yeah, plus you said you were in love with him.
07:44Yeah.
07:46So how you can tell him?
07:48Maybe I should take him somewhere romantic where I can't start a fight?
07:52Oh, my God. Miranda, do you know what this means?
07:56You're asking Steve out on a date.
08:02Hi, Samantha.
08:03Hiya.
08:04Good?
08:05Hi.
08:08That night, as Samantha walked home past her friendly neighborhood bar, The Ram Hole,
08:12she saw something truly upsetting.
08:22Just what we need. Another Wall Street asshole with money.
08:34Call the door.
08:39Hi.
08:40Thanks.
08:41I live here. See?
08:42Here are my keys.
08:44Chip Kilkenny.
08:45I just moved in.
08:46Samantha Jones.
08:483F.
08:49I'm 4F.
08:50You're right under me.
08:51That sounds promising.
08:53It's quite a car.
08:55I love a nice Hummer.
08:58Well, good night.
09:07And Uptown, in a slightly less obvious maneuver...
09:10Oh, I'm close.
09:12Oh, honey.
09:13Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?
09:17No.
09:18No.
09:19No.
09:19Oh, God.
09:20No.
09:21Oh!
09:26The next morning, right in early.
09:30Good morning.
09:33There's a happy face.
09:35I am a happy face.
09:37It's a beautiful morning, and the sun is shining, and you changed your mind about the Jewish thing.
09:44Whoa, whoa, what?
09:45What Jewish thing?
09:46When?
09:46Last night.
09:47I asked you if it was really that important to you, and you said no.
09:50I did?
09:51Yeah.
09:53When we were making love right before you came, how could you not remember?
09:57Charlotte, honey, I can't remember my own name right before I come.
10:01Well, that's what you said.
10:02Asking me to renounce Judaism during sex is a clear manipulation.
10:06Oh, blah, blah, blah.
10:07I just don't understand.
10:09Why is this so important to you?
10:11I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.
10:14Your mother?
10:15Charlotte had had her fill of potential husbands and their demanding mothers.
10:19Harry's stock suddenly began to plummet.
10:22Yeah.
10:22Right before she died.
10:24And just like that, it was up again.
10:27I'm very sorry your mother's no longer with us, because if she met me...
10:32She'd fall in love with you like I did and not care?
10:35Mm-hmm.
10:35No, Jews don't think like that.
10:38But keeping tradition alive was very important to her.
10:40She lost family in the Holocaust.
10:44What?
10:47Well, now I can't say anything, because you've brought up the Holocaust.
10:55Hi, it's me.
10:56Leave a message.
10:58Hi, it's Jack.
11:00Burger, not Kerouac.
11:02Wanted to clear that up.
11:03So, you're probably standing there screening.
11:06Way to play it.
11:07I'm a big fan of the screen.
11:08In fact, don't pick up, or I'll just panic and hang up.
11:12Don't pick up.
11:13I'm not ready for actual voice-on-voice action.
11:16So, I'm jumping right in and suggesting dinner and a movie for the big date.
11:21Everybody's really been loving that movie, Craig's Room.
11:23So, why don't we go and hate it?
11:25Here come the movie times.
11:27We have 5.15.
11:28We have 7 o'clock.
11:30And he calculated which times and which theaters would be least crowded, which says, take charge.
11:35Yet, left the restaurant choice to me, which says, flexible.
11:38All in all, the perfect machine message.
11:42I think Burger and I are going to be very happy together.
11:46Oh, I love this time before the first date when you can make statements like that and almost believe them.
11:51Why all the drama?
11:52Because I really like him.
11:53And you can imagine what that does to a girl.
11:56Got it.
11:56Say no more.
11:57Really, say no more.
11:58Oh, and then right after he called, I got a message from this other fellow who I've known for a
12:02year suddenly asking me out on a date.
12:04Which only proves my theory.
12:05The only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.
12:08Your stock is up.
12:09And did you say yes?
12:10No, I already have a date.
12:11Which is why you should say yes to the other one.
12:13I think you're putting a lot of pressure on this Burger date.
12:15Honey, Charlotte's right.
12:17You need to do something to take the edge off.
12:18I am not going on a simu date.
12:21Carrie, how many new outfits have you bought for this movie?
12:23Be honest.
12:24None.
12:25Six.
12:25All returnable.
12:27All right, maybe just a casual coffee to take the edge off Burger.
12:30Exactly.
12:31Later that day, I got to thinking about the stock market and dating.
12:35Are they really that different?
12:36If you have a bad stock, you can lose your shirt.
12:39If you have a bad date, you can lose your will to live.
12:42And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.
12:47After weathering all the ups and downs, you could one day find yourself with nothing.
12:52So, when it comes to finance and dating, I couldn't help but wonder, why do we keep investing?
13:04And speaking of high-risk investments...
13:14Hey, it's me.
13:15I'm not here.
13:16Try me at Scout 957-7297.
13:19Don't forget the 212.
13:21Hi, Steve.
13:23Hi.
13:24Steve.
13:25Um, I need to talk to you about something.
13:29How about we do it over dinner?
13:31How's tomorrow night?
13:32Magda could sit with Brady.
13:34Let me know.
13:36Bye.
13:37Oh, it's Miranda.
13:39And...
13:40Bye.
13:41Miranda feared it was possibly the most imperfect machine message ever.
13:47And Samantha decided to say it with a basket.
13:58Welcome, Wagon.
14:00Hi.
14:01Ah, excuse the towel.
14:03I was just in the shower.
14:03I brought you a basket filled with goodies to acquaint you with your new neighborhood.
14:07Cheese, prosciutto, condoms, handcuffs.
14:11Handcuffs.
14:11From the bar next door.
14:14Enjoy.
14:15If I reach for that, my towel will fall.
14:18I'm no fool.
14:27A little while later, Samantha Blue Chip, stockbroker.
14:31Yes.
14:32Yes!
14:32Yes!
14:33Yes!
14:33Yes!
14:34Yes!
14:34Yes!
14:34Yes!
14:36No, that's what I call eating in.
14:39Look.
14:40I never do this, but here's a tip.
14:45Alon Pharmaceuticals.
14:46It's going to spread me through the roof.
14:48Alon Pharmaceuticals.
14:53Thanks.
14:54No, thank you.
14:55That was the best effing head of my life.
14:59And just like that, their mutual fun turned into mutual funds.
15:05Later that week, I met graphic designer Willie Applegate for a late afternoon simu date.
15:11That's a cute place.
15:12Yeah, I hope it's okay.
15:13Yeah, I didn't know.
15:14But I figured, you know, can't go wrong with the garden.
15:17Yeah, it's great.
15:18I hope it's okay.
15:19Yeah.
15:20I didn't know.
15:21I just said that.
15:23It suddenly became clear that a simu date for me was a first date for him.
15:29Are you looking at my stye?
15:32Excuse me?
15:33My stye.
15:34I have a stye.
15:35See, right here.
15:37And I was going to cancel, but then I thought, well, maybe, you know, she won't even notice it.
15:40And I didn't even, no, I wasn't looking at it.
15:44Oh, oh, it's good.
15:45Oh, oh.
15:49What was that?
15:51Have you ever seen anything?
15:52No, I have never.
15:54This is a bad choice of place.
15:56I'm sorry.
15:56No, it's fine.
15:57It's fine.
15:58It's like a cappuccino wilderness safari.
16:05Ouch.
16:06Wassermic vinegar in my stye.
16:09Ouch.
16:09Oh, God.
16:10Here.
16:11Here.
16:12Here.
16:13Ouch.
16:14Thanks.
16:14Could this go any worse?
16:17Oh.
16:18What the?
16:18What the fuck?
16:22I'm fine.
16:23I'm fine.
16:24I'm fine.
16:25It was a sudden crash no analyst had seen coming.
16:29And in yet another type of market.
16:31Well, I hope you're happy.
16:32Now I'm twice as nervous about my burger date.
16:35Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.
16:37Oh, poor guy.
16:38Hey, can you catch a stye helping someone up from gravel?
16:41Where's the homeopathic section?
16:43Maybe they make something called stye be gone.
16:45Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
16:48I am thrown by the change of topic, but I do appreciate the trivia.
16:51I'm reading her book, My Love Affair with Jewelry.
16:53Not surprising.
16:55And she changed her religion for the man she loved.
16:57Yeah, and a big old honking piece of jewelry.
16:59Oh, don't be so cynical.
17:01Sorry, it's my potential stye talking.
17:03Love.
17:04She did it for love.
17:05Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?
17:08I need more information.
17:10There's more to being a Jew than jewelry.
17:12Wise words.
17:12I'll be at the checkout.
17:13Okay.
17:25Charlotte wondered just how far she would go for her true love.
17:33Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
17:38No, don't get too excited.
17:39We're just trading information here.
17:41Okay.
17:42And from a not excited place, I ask, is this something you might consider?
17:46I'm just trying to understand.
17:47What's so special about being a Jew?
17:49I feel like I'm on a game show.
17:50I'm serious.
17:52I mean, if this is really your bottom line, then you're going to have to try and give me a
17:55reason,
17:56aside from your mother, that I can relate to.
18:04Well, if we were to get married, now we're just trading information here.
18:09I would want our children to be raised Jewish.
18:12Charlotte realized it was time to reveal to Harry her bottom line.
18:18Well, if that's really the reason, then I have to tell you something.
18:28I may not be able to give you children.
18:32I'm challenged in the reproductive area.
18:36It's not hopeless, but it's difficult.
18:42I guess I should have brought it up sooner, but I never thought that we didn't.
18:46I understand if you...
18:48Shh, Charlotte.
18:51I love you.
18:53You're the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a schmuck like me.
18:58You're not a schmuck.
19:00You're a putz.
19:03Seriously, Harry.
19:05You want a family, and...
19:09What if I couldn't give that to you?
19:12We'd adopt or something.
19:15But they wouldn't be your own.
19:17Eh.
19:19What are you going to do?
19:21Charlotte York was deeply touched by Harry Goldenblatt's humor, compassion, and acceptance.
19:27If this is Jewish, she thought, that's worth looking into.
19:32Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha had moved her neighbor from stocks and bonds to stockings and bondage.
19:37I'm back.
19:39Go away.
19:40I'm busy.
19:43I mean, it's John.
19:45What?
19:48Who the fuck are you?
19:50FBI, get dressed.
19:51You're under arrest for insider trading.
19:53Turns out, Chip Kilkenny was quite the ladies' man.
19:55And every time a woman went down, the Dow went up.
19:59Ma'am, can you undo your cuffs so we can use ours?
20:01Surely.
20:02All the good ones are getting arrested.
20:09And at a romantic restaurant, a 37-year-old single mother found herself on a first date.
20:16You look pretty.
20:18You got a date later.
20:20No, it's just the dress.
20:24Jeez Louise, it's dark in here.
20:26I can barely read my menu.
20:27We need, like, another candle or something.
20:29I think it's kind of nice.
20:32Um, Steve.
20:35Yeah?
20:36I asked you here because I wanted to explain why I picked a fight with you last week.
20:41Miranda, I know you, and I know why you picked a fight with me.
20:45You do?
20:46Yeah.
20:46Hey, you're upset because I'm hanging around too much.
20:49You think I'm getting too close.
20:51But you don't have to worry.
20:53Because I just started seeing someone else, and it's going really good.
20:57So, please, relax.
20:59Alex, I'm not in love with you anymore.
21:11All that stuff I said to you about Steve never happens.
21:15Don't mention it to anyone.
21:16Don't think about it.
21:17Don't even so much as give me a look like you might be thinking about it.
21:21Like that, that look.
21:22I can't ever, never see that look again.
21:24Will you please calm down?
21:25I think you're overreacting to that thing that never happened.
21:28If you think I'm overreacting here, you should be inside my head.
21:31Miranda, I have to say this next thing, but I will play along and not look at you while I
21:35say it.
21:37Maybe, if you had told Steve anyway, you might...
21:40Carrie, I swear to God, I love you, but I will have to kill you.
21:43Brady, come on.
21:44Work with Mommy here, please.
21:46I'm sorry, but I'm looking and I'm talking.
21:49This is your life.
21:51You two have a baby together, and it's not high school.
21:54Isn't that burger?
21:59Oh, God, I look like shit.
22:01You don't look like shit.
22:02I look like shit.
22:03This is not my perfect outfit.
22:05Oh, God.
22:06Are you leaving?
22:06You're my...
22:08Oh, God, shit.
22:22I was just entering the safety zone when...
22:25There he was.
22:27My emotional equivalent to the big crash of 29.
22:30Aiden.
22:58Aiden.
23:00isn't him this is a stunt baby yeah it's him this is the man Tate I call him Tater because
23:06he kind
23:06of looks like one you know no hair big eyes yeah he's cool aren't you Tate so where are you
23:13running
23:13to I home so things are good they look good yeah I'm just hanging out in this fabric store waiting
23:20for Tate's mom all right don't laugh I married another furniture designer really yeah what are
23:27going to fight city hall Kathy she's great you want to come and meet her oh another time I really
23:35have
23:35to run okay bye Tate oh god Aiden it's good to see you you too we should get together and
23:54have coffee
23:54sometime and catch up yeah great okay we'll do that there is the type of date you can't wait to
24:05keep
24:05and the type of date you both know you will never keep
24:27a block later I realized if Aiden and I could survive that huge a clash and both get out alive
24:33there was nothing I could do on a first date I couldn't bounce back from hey Berger it's Carrie
24:39hey yeah hi listen I'm standing outside the Sony Theater near Lincoln Center and Craig's room starts
24:45in half an hour and there are no lines can you go now that's so weird I'm right in that
24:51neighborhood
24:52really really must be paid I'll be right there okay bye
25:03hey this blows had my special outfit all picked up for tonight I got the tickets all right then I
25:10got the
25:10popcorn and these sort of chocolate goodness you candy gal I am the candy gal cool cuz I'm a candy
25:15man
25:15yeah no I am serious Sammy Davis rip me off yes Sammy Davis you don't feel the need to use
25:20the junior
25:21no not at all really
25:23no no no no
25:27and by close of Wall Street that day the NASDAQ was down but amazingly
25:36I do a book reading in my hometown right about after the fifth question I realized that my mother
25:41is heckling me she was not no no she was yeah ask anybody at the Donner's Grove Barnes and Noble
25:45all right they still talk about it everything is fresh everything is a first you'll like your beef
25:55everything is foreplay even a trip to bed bath and beyond can become an ecstatic errand I don't see
26:03you as a fish person yeah the problem with the fish is then you're into the whole fish theme you
26:08have
26:08fish soap fish bath bath it's a pyramid scheme this shower curtain now this one this is the one I
26:14have
26:15at home except on mine Chinese covered in mold and here they thought common is was a problem
26:19mm-hmm now it's a very intimate thing shopping for shower curtain yeah wait till I get you into
26:26bedding mm-hmm and of course those first kisses are the greatest kisses in the world
26:38goodnight all right we should get out of here before they turn the lights off oh well the wait
26:47staff couldn't wait any longer and neither could I I wanted burger in my bed bath and beyond
26:52immediately I'm either leaving a very big tip or a dry cleaning receipt oh my hair oh sorry yeah no
27:09I just
27:29the next night Samantha convinced us to go to rock where the scene was hot and the food was not
27:35you
27:36think a place that eliminated cooking could eliminate waiting what do you mean they don't cook the food
27:40here that's why they call it raw the raw food movement people love it sting Demi Sun Yi soon me
27:47now
27:47what is raw food exactly vegan non-dairy and nothing is cooked over 118 degrees so in other words raw
27:54vegetables and sometimes flowers and you knew about this I read a review on the times we're in the
27:59gardening section I heard it's delicious people the Emperor has no oven I'm sorry sorry I didn't get
28:07enough sleep last night really did you finally bugger burger how long have you been waiting to say that
28:12it just occurred to me yes we finally buggered yay you realize you're now applauding intercourse
28:18well it was their first time and she really likes him Jones your table is ready oh very good
28:27so details uh it was good it was fine fine I don't really want to talk about it he couldn't
28:34get it up
28:34he could get it up that wasn't you know what there was no problem moving on enjoy your meal
28:49what I don't want to make a big deal about it it was just the first time
28:55we're so good everywhere else we're great in restaurants it's like poppity pop pop and
29:00the kisses are great and then in bed there was there was no sexual chemistry I don't know what
29:07happened he just couldn't find your clip he knows what he's doing then what are we talking about
29:14it was it was just quiet I wouldn't worry about it Carrie if the kisses were good then the sex
29:20will
29:20eventually be good I'm not worried how quiet was it it was so quiet that at one point I heard
29:25the
29:25M11 bus I heard the doors open I heard people getting off well at least someone was getting
29:30off and speaking of hey welcome to rock hello we'd like to get you started with a little amuse whoosh
29:42I'd like him to amuse my verse well this just looks delicious it's our summer vegetable soup
29:47I see you guys are set for drinks so I'll give you a minute with the menus and oh our
29:51specials
29:51tonight if you're interested oh I'm extremely interested leek papaya patties and zucchini enchiladas
29:58I'm gonna need a pizza after this I'm gonna need a napkin to dry off my seat that waiter was
30:03hot
30:04and the soup is not what is this bad this is bad it is like lawn in a bowl maybe
30:09something should
30:10be over a hundred and eighteen degrees like sex for example okay can we please forget I said anything
30:14seriously who else has news I do but you're going to have to put down your menus because I need
30:21your
30:21undivided attention well you'll have to shoot our waiter will you look at that ass do you mind I have
30:30something a bit shocking to say and after I say it I don't want anyone to react because I'm very
30:35happy
30:36with my decision I'm becoming a Jew what I can feel you reacting I love Harry very much and he
30:50loves
30:50me so tomorrow I'm meeting with a rabbi to discuss converting isn't that a lot of hoop jumping for a
30:56man look Harry's not who I expected to fall in love with but I did he makes me laugh and
31:03he says what
31:03he means and I feel like I can be myself around him but yourself is Episcopalian and it is still
31:09the most exciting sex I've ever had Mazel Tov now this is food oh you know what's even better while
31:18I'm eating this slice of pizza my boyfriend is home taping my favorite TV show and to which boyfriend
31:22are we referring my boyfriend Tebow ah you've traded Steve-o for Tebow we don't talk of Steve-o anymore
31:29not if it changed his name who needs him with Tebow when there's something I don't enjoy
31:33I just speed right through it if only we could do that in life exactly and he surprises me with
31:38things that he thinks I might like which is how I got hooked on Jules and Mimi I stopped watching
31:41television when people started putting leeches down their pants no no no this is BBC America it's
31:46about a beautiful black man from Brixton and a white woman from Hampstead Heath I don't know what
31:50that means exactly but apparently there's a great divide and he rents the flat above her hat shop
31:55and tonight they're finally having sex well good luck to them Carrie it was the first time I know
32:02and sometimes I'm dating a digital recording device well I have never had to work at it with
32:09someone I really like you should probably keep that to yourself okay but Miranda I gotta tell you
32:15it was not good there was no no no throw down it was more like a slowdown yeah and it
32:25caught me
32:25completely off guard because I thought it would be amazing well maybe that's the problem what your
32:29expectations were too high of course you were disappointed from now on people should tell it
32:33like it is first time sex tricky non-dairy vegan ravioli kindergarten pace
32:46as I tried to scrub the smell of uncooked okra off me I started thinking about sex expectations
32:54we're aware as smart single women that we can't expect perfection but life still manages to throw
33:01us curveballs maybe once you're into your mid-30s it shouldn't be called dating it should be called
33:07waiting for the other shoe to drop if it's not the sex between me and you then someone has to
33:14become a
33:14Jew why is it always something unless you're in a problem-free relationship with TiVo no no maybe later
33:29ah hello shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up thank you
33:43Jules are you there hello Mimi do you always answer the door without a shirt on
33:51the heat isn't working that's why I rang you up seems to be working it's definitely balmy in here
33:59the problem is in the bedroom right of course the bedroom the next day Charlotte boldly went
34:08where no York had gone before the synagogue
34:16Shalom where would I find the rabbi his study a sign thank you
34:27are you the rabbi hi my name is Charlotte York and I'm here today because I would like to consider
34:33joining the Jewish faith we're not interested
34:44hello I need to report a very rude man I was just saying that my name is Charlotte York
34:49and I would like to consider joining the Jewish
34:51I don't know what is with these people I never you know how much I love you for doing this
35:00do you know how sexy you look that's it I have to have you immediately
35:04Harry definitely had throw down but Charlotte was too thrown and down to care
35:09stop Harry I'm feeling very rejected by your people
35:13that's the game baby they try to make it hard for you
35:17what?
35:17as part of the process traditionally they turn you down three times to make sure you're serious
35:21suddenly Charlotte understood they were playing hard to get
35:26they were rules rabbis
35:28I can play that game
35:31I invented that game
35:34no man rejects Charlotte York
35:36I don't care what any rabbi says
35:38you are my chosen person
35:43Miranda was looking forward to another perfect night with her perfect boyfriend
35:47but unfortunately there was another woman
35:50I think I did something bad
35:51what do you mean Brady?
35:53I just checked on him
35:54no boy is beautiful is fine
36:00TiVo?
36:02what did you do?
36:04exactly what did you do?
36:07I sit on
36:10and then nothing
36:11you sat on TiVo?
36:13is it okay?
36:16nothing is recorded
36:17how could you do this?
36:19this is Jules and Mimi the morning after
36:21no no no no no
36:24yes
36:27and across town
36:28I lay in bed
36:29willing Berger to call me
36:31which never works
36:37hello
36:37hey it's me
36:39I'm sorry for not calling earlier
36:41and I know this is the same excuse that every guy gives
36:43but in my case it is true
36:44a 64 raccoon was attacking a village
36:46and I had to trap it
36:48and kill it
36:48and stuff it
36:49everybody's safe now
36:50even the little Flanders girl
36:52who was
36:54stuck in a tree
36:56but I might have rabies
36:58uh what have you been up to?
36:59oh same old same old
37:01did the times crossword puzzle
37:02found a cure for cancer
37:03you did the times crossword puzzle?
37:05Mondays not Sundays
37:07oh
37:07okay
37:08I need like three people to do Sundays
37:10one of them has to have the answers
37:11I was thinking that if two people can be good in bed
37:14when they're not in the same bed
37:16how hard a conversion could it be?
37:18I have some answers
37:19if you have cat fare
37:20oh yeah?
37:39dump him
37:39fuck me badly one
37:41shame on you
37:41fuck me badly twice
37:42shame on me
37:44is that the saying?
37:46that's my saying
37:48I'm going to dump him
37:48I think he's fantastic
37:49and aren't we getting a little old
37:51to jump to the dump?
37:52what about working on things?
37:54look at Charlotte
37:54she's becoming a Jew
37:56hi
37:56I need something
37:57that will make a guy
37:58come in his pants
37:59as soon as he sees me
38:00got it
38:02you talk to sales people like that?
38:04I'm here all the time
38:04they love me
38:05is this for a specific gentleman
38:07or do you just look for that generally?
38:09it's for that hot waiter from Raw
38:10I'm sleeping with him tonight
38:12but he doesn't know it yet
38:14I think I have to talk to him
38:16no
38:17we talk about everything else
38:19honey
38:19when it comes to sex
38:20spray it
38:21don't say it
38:21okay
38:22that was unnecessary
38:22I'm trying to salvage
38:24your love life
38:25the only words
38:26you should be saying
38:26in bed
38:27are dirty ones
38:28I can't do that
38:29without alcohol
38:30then start drinking
38:32because if you want
38:33a hotter sex life
38:33you're going to have
38:34to turn up the heat
38:36starting with
38:38I don't wear furry shoes
38:39they're not for you
38:40they're for him
38:41he mostly wears loafers
38:42are you sure
38:43I can't talk to him about it?
38:45honey
38:46if the sex isn't great
38:48it doesn't help to say
38:49it's not great
38:49that's usually a downer
38:50and by that I mean
38:51uh-uh
38:53yeah
38:54plus he must know
38:55it's not great
38:56he can't think
38:56this is good
38:59oh god
39:00is it possible
39:01he thinks this is good?
39:03here we are
39:04oh
39:05as a matter of fact
39:06I'm going to take this
39:07no
39:07we'll take two
39:08and um
39:09these
39:09in a seven
39:12that evening
39:13Miranda had one of those
39:14regrettable discussions
39:15that results from the belief
39:16that you and your significant other
39:17should be able to talk
39:18through any problem
39:19we have been over this
39:20before
39:21I feel like you are not
39:22listening to me
39:23I turned the system off
39:25for ten minutes
39:26and nothing changed
39:30I'm sorry
39:31I'm upset
39:34I'm just so disappointed
39:36I got used to coming home
39:38to something
39:38can't you work with me on this?
39:43you told me
39:44to do that already
39:45what is wrong
39:46with you?
39:53Friday night
39:54was burger
39:54I had my sexy lingerie
39:57under my cool couture
39:58and I was feeling good
40:01you look so hot
40:02in that shirt
40:03you're being serious?
40:05okay
40:05we're going to need
40:06some drinks
40:06oh
40:07hey
40:07hi
40:08well it's still half the hour
40:09so frozen margaritas
40:10are two for one
40:11alright
40:11okay
40:12when in Rome
40:13sure
40:15since we were 0 for 2
40:16I figured two for one
40:18was a good idea
40:25and after three
40:26unreturned phone calls
40:27Charlotte decided
40:28to make a house call
40:29hello Rabbi
40:29I brought you
40:30some kosher wine
40:42I'm sorry
40:43but my husband
40:44can't see you now
40:45excuse me
40:46I don't mean to be rude
40:47but I think he can
40:49miss
40:52look
40:53I'm 37 years old
40:55I'm reproductively challenged
40:56I'm in love
40:57with a Jewish person
40:58and it took me 20 years
40:59to find him
40:59I don't have time
41:00to play these games
41:15alright Charlotte
41:16lesson number one
41:17you have to give it a rest
41:19because it's about to be
41:20Sabbath
41:21the day of rest
41:22you want to be a Jew
41:26sit
41:28watch
41:30learn
41:31oh that is so sweet
41:34but actually I'm supposed
41:35to meet my boyfriend
41:39I can skip it
41:41come girls gather
41:55sorry
42:08Amen.
42:15And Samantha was at RAW, ready to get things cooking.
42:20Hey, welcome to RAW.
42:22Hello.
42:23I was here the other night?
42:25That's what happens.
42:26You come once and you just keep coming over and over.
42:29You're so big.
42:31I'll be with you in a minute.
42:32I'm getting slammed tonight.
42:33For some reason, the host just keeps seeing everyone in my section.
42:35Go back.
42:37Hi.
42:38Sorry, that's just big.
42:39Hi, Bobby.
42:40This is fine.
42:40Bye.
42:47Suddenly, Samantha realized why the RAW food movement was a movement.
42:51Women weren't there for the cold food.
42:53They were there for the hot waiter.
42:57Oh, sorry.
43:02Sorry.
43:03Sorry.
43:04Hey, people.
43:05I look who's home.
43:06Oh, I got held up at work.
43:08Thanks for filling in.
43:09Hi.
43:10Hi, cutie.
43:12Hi, cutie.
43:13Did the T-roll guy come?
43:14No.
43:15They called and said that they have to be scheduled for a week from Thursday.
43:18A week from Thursday?
43:20Yeah, but I played around with a few things, and I think it's okay now.
43:24What do you mean?
43:24It's working?
43:25Yep.
43:29I love you.
43:30I mean, you know, for fixing that.
43:32Yeah.
43:33Well, Magda said it was kind of important.
43:36So, listen, I got to take off.
43:39Hot date?
43:40Yeah, I got this dinner thing.
43:42So, I'll see you later, champ.
43:43All right?
43:49Some things, like a broken TiVo, can be repaired, and others, like a broken heart, are a little
43:55more complicated.
43:57Four hours and four courses of uncooked food later, Samantha and her competitors waited
44:02it out.
44:10Maybe they were less horny.
44:11Maybe it was all that roughage, but one by one, women threw in the napkin.
44:40Can I get you anything else?
44:41Oh, no, I'm just enjoying my delicious mushroom tea.
44:48Okay.
44:51Did you want anything else?
44:53You know what?
44:54I would like to have some of that key lime custard.
44:58It sounds too good to pass up.
45:01Okay.
45:16Honey, you put up a very good fight, but you have no idea who you're dealing with.
45:21I'm going home with him, and you're going home with key lime custard.
45:24So, what do you say, I buy your dinner, and we call it a night?
45:28Hmm?
45:31Okay.
45:32Check!
45:35Meanwhile, I was finally confident I could heat up my sex life, because I was a sex columnist.
45:41I was resourceful.
45:43And I was drunkity-drunk-drunk.
45:45Oh!
45:46I'm sorry.
45:48Oh.
45:56There.
45:57Oh!
45:58Oh!
46:02I got a little something for you.
46:07And you're going to love it.
46:13Look at that.
46:14Hmm?
46:20Get ready, mister.
46:27Because...
46:31Because I got something under here for you.
46:36Oh!
46:38And there are shoes.
46:40Where do you see me in these?
46:42Hmm?
46:43Hmm?
46:50Ow!
46:52Ow!
46:53Are you okay?
46:55Yeah, I'm fine.
46:59Whew!
47:07And after a night of raw food, Samantha enjoyed an all-nighter of raw sex.
47:30Hey.
47:31Huh?
47:31Can I tell you a secret?
47:33You're 12.
47:34You didn't have to order all that shit.
47:37I was ready to go home with you last Tuesday.
47:39Now you tell me.
47:40I ate a fucking cactus.
47:42Get back down there and make it up to me.
47:45Awesome.
48:01Samantha was still having sex when it dawned on me that Berger and I hadn't.
48:18Hey.
48:19Hey.
48:20Hey.
48:21We both knew it was now or never.
48:29that morning i resigned myself to the idea that i would never again have frozen drinks
48:34or hot sex i suck this is awful i know i've never been this bad look i don't want to
48:42toot my own
48:43horn here all right but but i i'm way better than this i've actually been told that i'm good at
48:46this
48:47i don't know what the fuck is happening we're so good everywhere else would you look at us in
48:51restaurants we're the best we're the couple you want to be all right we got to make the bed more
48:56like a restaurant are you coming back yeah grab something that'll help
49:11now we're talking huh what do you have there a pet shoes
49:23burger what if we're just not good together in bed no don't say that
49:27all right look i choked we had it all going on we did and i thought it would be great
49:33and i wanted
49:34it to be great and i choked and then i came over the next night and i thought it would
49:38be better and
49:39i choked well what's up we should be smoking not choking i think sometimes the rhyme helps
49:46i agree boy those are those are some very sexy shoes shall i put them on yeah hey couldn't hurt
49:59all right
50:02here throw some of that over your left shoulder come on you want things to get worse
50:08i was going to talk to you about it but yeah i wanted to talk to you but well let's
50:12make a deal
50:12i talk to you you talk to me we should be able to talk about these things let's talk about
50:17it we'll talk
50:28that morning the other shoe dropped and it wasn't bad at all in fact it was kind of hot