- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01They say that if you've lived in New York for 10 years, you can officially call yourself a New Yorker.
00:10I want it all, I want it now, and I want you to get it from me.
00:13After firing her last two publicists, Jenny Breyer, the daughter of a wealthy New York restaurateur,
00:19had decided that Samantha would be taking over the PR for her upcoming party.
00:24I want Vanity Fair, Carson Daly, people, teen people, in style, in sync.
00:29Jenny, sweetie, don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you?
00:34Hello, it's my bat mitzvah party, I'm 13.
00:36You're 13 years old?
00:38Duh, and what are you, like 45?
00:40And just like that, the meeting was officially over.
00:43I'm sorry, I don't do kids' parties.
00:47Sweetie, my father has invited over 300 of his most powerful friends to this event.
00:51They're not all coming. The Clintons can't make it, of course.
00:54But like I told Daddy, we'll be lucky if we can swing this far under a mill.
00:57But what do I know?
00:58Well, I'm just a kid.
01:02We'll never get in sync.
01:06After meeting her new client, Samantha met Charlotte, Miranda, and me for the latest trend in Manhattan power lunching,
01:12Hoge Cafeteria Cuisine.
01:16You coming in for a landing, sister?
01:18Sorry. Cute guy.
01:20I thought he was checking me out for a second.
01:22Where?
01:24Hey!
01:24Stop, don't.
01:25Ooh!
01:26He's a cutie, alright.
01:28Yes?
01:29Definitely looking.
01:30I'm looking at you guys, looking at him like I asked you not to.
01:33Take your tray over there.
01:34What?
01:34No.
01:35Absolutely, why not?
01:36Because this isn't PS 147.
01:38We're adults now.
01:39She's married, for Christ's sake.
01:40We have to at least pretend to know better.
01:42So, I finally went to the doctor about my headaches.
01:45Still looking.
01:47Which you're not helping, thanks.
01:49Because I've been trying to diagnose myself on the internet.
01:51You can do that?
01:52Sure.
01:53You just type in your symptoms, hit enter, and wait for the word cancer to appear on the screen.
01:57Anyway, turns out, I'm a tongue thruster.
02:00Now, see, if you were a man, that would be a good thing.
02:03My tongue pushes up against my front teeth, so my bite is all off.
02:06My dentist thinks I have TMJ.
02:08Come on, you have to do something.
02:09I am.
02:10I'm going to the orthodontist tomorrow.
02:11No, I mean he's really cute.
02:13She could write him a note.
02:14I'm not even cuter.
02:17You guys, I'm not writing him a note.
02:19You're Mr. Cutie-Cute.
02:20You did not just write that.
02:22No.
02:22Just your phone number.
02:23I am not giving you my phone number.
02:25Oh, relax, TMJ.
02:27You don't have to.
02:28I'll do it for you.
02:29Carrie?
02:30Carrie?
02:31Go, girl.
02:32Oh, my God.
02:36Hi.
02:37I'm sorry to bother you, but my friend Miranda over there...
02:40Oh, my God.
02:41She thinks you're kind of cute.
02:45Please tell your friend Miranda to call me.
02:50One, two, three.
02:53On the way home from lunch, I decided to brave the afternoon heat to see if my favorite shoe
02:58repair guy could do anything about my tired old soles.
03:02But when I got there, there was no there, there.
03:19Hey, what happened to Artie?
03:22Artie?
03:23Artie, my guy, my shoe guy.
03:26He fixed these last time.
03:28Oh, yeah, Artie.
03:29No, he moved back to Williamsburg.
03:30Oh.
03:30Brooklyn.
03:31No, not Colonial.
03:32He couldn't afford the place once they destabilized the rent.
03:35And, you know, if the comic business keeps going the way it is, I'm not sure I'll be able
03:38to either.
03:39Oh, comics aren't selling, huh?
03:40No.
03:41Especially mine.
03:45Power Left by Wade Adams.
03:49Is this you?
03:49Did you draw this?
03:51Wow.
03:53So, what's so powerful about him?
03:55He's a superhero.
03:57Or he wants to be, see?
03:58Parents were superheroes, and he's trying to figure out what his superpowers are.
04:02They haven't really kicked in yet, and it's stupid.
04:04What do you do?
04:05Oh, I'm a writer.
04:06Really?
04:07That's cool.
04:07What do you write?
04:08Turn to page seven of your newspaper there.
04:15Oh, yeah.
04:16See, I thought you looked familiar.
04:18You ever think about writing comics?
04:19Aren't the comics more of a boy thing?
04:21No way.
04:21There's all kinds of women superheroes.
04:23Batgirl, Supergirl, Black Canary.
04:25I know you've heard of Wonder Woman.
04:27Oh, with the bracelets and the tiara.
04:31I used to love that even her accessories had superpowers.
04:34Oh, man.
04:42What's wrong with them?
04:44I'll say to them.
04:45You are Wonder Woman.
04:46All right.
04:47Stop.
04:48I'll buy some.
04:49All right.
04:56I never did get my shoes fixed, but the following week, I did get a new pair of boots.
05:03I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly felt compelled to call and thank him.
05:07Even as a superhero, I was powerless to resist.
05:11That evening, inspired by Miranda's digital diagnosis, Charlotte went surfing for a cure for Trey's condition.
05:19There it was, in both the on and off positions.
05:23$8,000 worth of hydraulics that could turn Trey into the bionic man.
05:27Ordinarily, this was the kind of thing Charlotte would shy away from.
05:30But since her marriage was shy of wood...
05:33That night, I met Wade Adams, alias Power Lad, at Barcode, a Times Square bar that specialized in real drinks
05:40and virtual reality.
05:41I can't believe this place. It's like $10 a game.
05:44Yeah, but, you know, the games come with beer.
05:46Yeah, that's because they want you to play half as well and twice as much.
05:49Sounds good to me.
05:50But it'll be a little Blood Burst or Terafrag 2.
05:53Whatever happened to Frogger and Ms. Pac-Man?
05:56She got married.
05:57No.
05:58To Pac-Man?
05:59Aw, good for them.
06:01Man, where have I been?
06:03I don't know, but you want to go to Mars?
06:05For $10. It's a bargain.
06:07Let's go.
06:07After you.
06:08Then, without ever leaving the building, Power Lad took me to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
06:13And right back to seventh grade.
06:15To journey to Mars. Pilot, please select a child.
06:18There we go.
06:19Oh, God.
06:20Well, it was maddening.
06:22Bram and Pippin favored the 78 Lafitte.
06:25Which is entirely acceptable.
06:26The implant's patented on-off switch had Charlotte thinking about trays.
06:30She desperately wanted to turn his on, but she didn't know where to find it.
06:33At the end of the night, joke was on him, because we ordered both.
06:38How was your day?
06:41Well, I went to the gallery in the morning, and then the framers in the afternoon.
06:47And then I found this.
06:49On the internet. See?
06:54What on earth?
06:57Charlotte, what are you getting at?
06:59Well, just that...
07:01Well...
07:03We've tried everything else, and...
07:05We still...
07:06You haven't...
07:08In my...
07:10Ever.
07:10So...
07:11So I just thought...
07:15You can't be serious.
07:17What other options do we have?
07:28Five beers, four video games, 102 degrees outside later.
07:35Oh, man.
07:37Aw.
07:38You gotta be kidding.
07:39What?
07:40This is fun.
07:42It's cheaper than taking cabs.
07:44Besides, all the kids got them.
07:46You wanna try it?
07:47It's too hot to scoot.
07:49We can go to my place.
07:50Got a terrace.
07:51Got a great view.
07:52And the breeze up there is even better.
07:54I'm not the kind of girl who scoots to a guy's terrace on a first date.
07:59I can respect that.
08:01I have central air.
08:03Give me that scooter.
08:04You ever been on one?
08:05No.
08:06That's great.
08:09I'm scooting and he goes.
08:11He goes.
08:24You said you had a view, not the view.
08:27And this breeze?
08:28It's like there's even different air up here.
08:31How do you have all this?
08:32Why don't I go get us some beers?
08:34Then we can talk adventures in real estate.
08:38How was it possible that mild-mannered Power Lad
08:41could afford a classic six on the Upper East Side
08:43with a terrace and a view of the park?
08:46Was he merely Power Lad by day
08:47and secretly a millionaire playboy by night?
08:52Hello?
08:54Oh, he scared me.
08:55I just heard voices outside and...
08:58You're up.
08:59Did we wake you?
09:00Oh, no, no.
09:01You know me.
09:02Always keeping the watch.
09:04Did you meet Carrie?
09:06Carrie, I'd like you to meet my mother.
09:08Hello.
09:10It's a beautiful night, isn't it?
09:12Yeah.
09:14Well, I'm off to bed.
09:17You two have fun.
09:20But don't stay up too late, dear.
09:22Good night.
09:23Good night.
09:24Lovely to meet you, Carrie.
09:25Oh, lovely to meet you, too.
09:27Mrs. Adams.
09:33He lives with his parents?
09:34It's their apartment.
09:36The next day at Commune, Daddy Briar's latest restaurant,
09:38I asked Samantha about my prospects with Power Lad.
09:41Not sexy, honey.
09:43Dump him immediately.
09:44Here.
09:44Use my cell phone.
09:45But it's only because he put all his money in the comic book store.
09:47So not sexy.
09:48What's his memory?
09:49Because he's saving up for his own place.
09:51Come on, you know how tough the market is right now.
09:53Plus which, he's fun and funny.
09:56Honey, stop while you are still sexy.
09:57So are you saying there's no way you'd go out with a guy who lived with his family?
10:00Well, maybe Prince William.
10:04I'm sorry I'm late.
10:08This is what happens to tongue thrusters.
10:10I have to wear them for a year.
10:12Am I hideous?
10:13No.
10:14Hey, no.
10:16No.
10:17They don't look so bad.
10:18Really?
10:19You mean it?
10:19That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
10:21Are you in pain?
10:21I'm in pain just looking at you.
10:23I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces and I'm on a liquid diet.
10:27Pain doesn't begin to cover it.
10:29Oh, look!
10:30Lunch!
10:31We didn't order champagne.
10:32Compliments of Jenny Bright.
10:34Oh, you always get the nicest compliments.
10:36Do you realize a 13-year-old girl just bought us a $200 bottle of Dom Perignon?
10:41You know what I was buying when I was 13?
10:43Nothing.
10:43I couldn't afford anything.
10:45I was serving dilly bars, a dairy queen.
10:47Where is she?
10:48Where's that little brat mitzvah beast?
10:51Geez!
10:52Geez, is everything fabulous?
10:54It is now.
10:54I didn't know you were here.
10:56And I didn't know you knew Carrie Bradshaw.
10:58You are fucking fabulous.
11:00Your column about secret sex, hello, my life.
11:04Seriously, my ex was so completely about the sex when we were alone.
11:07But at school in the hallway, I didn't exist.
11:09And they're all like that.
11:11Or worse, men suck.
11:15What?
11:16I'm sorry.
11:17Are your braces blue?
11:19No, they're sapphire.
11:21Oh my god, look.
11:22You have the old-fashioned kind.
11:24I didn't even know they made those anymore.
11:25I said I'll be there.
11:27We have to dash.
11:28Enjoy your meal, ladies.
11:29You are so fucking fabulous.
11:35Her braces are sapphire.
11:37I'm a 34-year-old nerd.
11:40How old are they?
11:42Thirteen.
11:43But they sound...
11:44I know.
11:45And they're dressed.
11:46I know.
11:47Just like us.
11:51Were Jenny Breyer and her friends dressed like 30-something-year-old women?
11:54Or were we trying to look like teenagers?
11:57One of us was sending over Dom Perignon while another was chilling around New York on a scooter.
12:02When you're a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer.
12:04But once you hit 30, all you want to do is get carded.
12:07I wondered, in today's youth-obsessed culture, are the women of my generation growing into mature, responsible adults?
12:14Or are we 34 going on 13?
12:18After a week of self-imposed seclusion, Miranda finally felt strong enough for solid food and table service with Lance
12:24Bloom, a senior editor at Knopf.
12:26I started out wanting to be a writer, but it's such a solitary life, I'm much more interested in collaborating
12:32with someone.
12:33What are you working on now?
12:37Uh, you have a little...
12:39Oh!
12:40I just got these.
12:41I guess they're going to take some getting used to.
12:44Oh, my God.
12:46So, what's it like to kiss somebody with those things?
12:51The doctor said it should be fine.
12:54But a blowjob's out of the question, right?
12:57Mm-hmm.
12:59Oh, I was kidding.
13:02That was a joke.
13:04I'm sorry.
13:06He just didn't want your hardware getting too close to his software.
13:09Oh, it's not just him, it's everybody.
13:11I can't open my mouth without the whole world looking at me like I'm a freak.
13:15It's like I'm suddenly back in junior high.
13:16And believe me, I was lucky to get out alive the first time.
13:19Maybe you should think of it as mouth doing.
13:21You know, tooth bracelet.
13:22I'm never dating again.
13:24Oh, of course you are.
13:25And listen, if the guy's worth dating, he's not going to care about your braces, he's going to care about
13:27you.
13:28That was so after-school special of you.
13:30No, in the after-school special, you'd see him across the cafeteria, he'd smile, and he'd have braces too.
13:36Yeah, but the sick thing is, I would never date a guy with braces. Even now.
13:41Come on, are you kidding me? Don't you think that's a little childish?
13:44More lemonade, Carrie?
13:46Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.
13:47And how about some nice homemade Toll House cookies?
13:51Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.
13:53On closer inspection, it turned out this living with the parents thing wasn't so bad.
13:58It was like having servants he didn't have to pay.
14:01Oh, and Carrie, can you stay for dinner?
14:04Uh-huh.
14:07Faced with the idea of having hydraulic cylinders placed in his shaft,
14:11Trey decided to pursue the less physically demanding option of couples counseling with a therapist he'd found through his college
14:17alumna association.
14:18I sense you both having difficulty verbalizing your sexual issues.
14:26With some clients, I've found it often helps to create your own non-threatening language with which to talk about
14:33sex.
14:34I'm not sure that I understand.
14:36Well, for example, one client rather whimsically dubbed his anus the chocolate starfish.
14:44Are you quite sure you want to Yale?
14:47Charlotte, if you could rename your vagina something completely non-sexual,
14:53something that didn't feel threatening to yourself or Trey, what would you call it?
15:01Rebecca.
15:03Rebecca, why on earth would you-
15:06Because it sounds nice and I've always liked the name.
15:09Now you name yours.
15:11Oh, this is preposterous.
15:13Something with positive associations.
15:18Well, Trey loves to sail. Don't you, Trey?
15:21Yeah, that's true. I do love to sail.
15:24So, how about something like canoe?
15:27Canoe?
15:30Canoe doesn't go with Rebecca.
15:32Well, what then?
15:34Uh, well, how about, um, schooner?
15:39Schooner's good!
15:41Rebecca and schooner. Schooner's good, isn't it?
15:44That's very good. That's very good.
15:46This is a wonderful beginning.
15:48And there's still a lot of work ahead.
15:50Some here and some at home.
15:53So, tonight, as homework, I want you to lie down together, side by side, without touching,
16:01and share a sexual fantasy.
16:05I'm a fairy princess in a forest, and I'm riding on a unicorn, when suddenly I see you.
16:13A pirate in buckskins.
16:16A prince in disguise.
16:19And that's when you pull me off my unicorn, you tear away my gossamer petticoats,
16:23and you put your schooner deep inside my Rebecca.
16:30Now you, where are you?
16:34I'm in hell.
16:37I'm sorry, Charlotte.
16:38I can't do this.
16:40I'm a respected surgeon. I can't. I can't.
16:43Yes, you can. I know you can.
16:44Charlotte, we've been dealing with this for weeks and weeks.
16:46Just accept the fact that I'm not that sexual a person, all right?
16:50But, we love each other, and we're married now.
16:56Rebecca and Schooner belong together. They need each other. Please.
17:01You are a fairy princess.
17:03I don't deserve you. I'm sorry.
17:07I'm sorry.
17:17That night, Wade and I had our very first sleepover, at my place.
17:21And I finally figured out what made Power Lad so powerful.
17:24He had the soul of a teenage boy, in the body of a very grown-up man.
17:28Oh, let me see you again.
17:30Hi, I'm not here, but my shoes are, so I'll leave him a message.
17:33Hi. Carrie? This is Mrs. Adams, Wade's mother. How are you, dear?
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41I'm so sorry to bother you, but we never heard from Wade tonight
17:45about whether or not he fed the dog his medicine.
17:48And Wade's father was just about to give it to the dog,
17:52but if he's already had it, well, that would be bad.
17:56So, if you speak to Wade, please tell him I won't go to bed until I hear from...
18:03Yes, Mom, I gave the dog his medicine.
18:07No, Mom, I'm not mad. I just...
18:10I told you not to call me here.
18:13No, don't call me here.
18:16I love you, too.
18:21She wants to talk to you.
18:23What?
18:32Hi, Mrs. Adams, how are you?
18:35Several blocks south, Charlotte's night was interrupted as well
18:38by odd noises coming from her bathroom.
18:52Charlotte felt terrible. She hadn't meant to make Trey cry.
19:03Honey?
19:26He told me he wasn't a sexual person.
19:29It wasn't sexual. It was tension release. It helps me sleep.
19:32I understand.
19:34Now, this may be difficult, Trey, but I want you to tell me specifically which magazine you were using.
19:44Jugs.
19:45All right. Now, I think we can try and see this as a positive thing.
19:50How? How is this a positive thing?
19:53Well, Trey was masturbating to Jugs.
19:58At least we know he isn't gay.
20:00Excuse me. What exactly is the problem here?
20:03It was tension release with a magazine. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my wife.
20:08Interesting choice of words, Trey.
20:10Maybe that's the problem.
20:12We have to find a way to integrate your wife into your sexual routine.
20:20How are we supposed to do that?
20:23Charlotte had no idea.
20:25She wished they were 13 again, before sex had made everything so complicated.
20:29When just holding hands and a goodnight kiss would have been everything she needed.
20:34To pierce the corporate veil, the courts generally look at five factors.
20:38Whether the subsidiary is wholly owned or...
20:42The 13-year-old girl inside Miranda wanted to disappear.
20:46But the 34-year-old woman who was a partner in this law firm decided she wasn't going anywhere.
20:50You think that I'm funny, gentlemen?
20:52You think the fact that I have braces is hilarious?
20:55Well, let's just all take a moment and have a good laugh, shall we?
20:58Let's just get it out of our system so we can go back to work like adults.
21:02Hobbs, we were just laughing at the typo on page three.
21:07Miranda decided that TMJ was a lot less painful than a second adolescence.
21:12The next day she had her braces removed and resumed her life as a 34-year-old tongue thruster.
21:17That night, Trey resumed his own brand of thrusting and discovered that tension release could be a turn-on.
21:32And Charlotte discovered a way to include herself in Trey's sex life.
21:39She also figured out what to do with all those wedding proofs not suitable for framing.
21:44The following weekend at the Briar Bat Mitzvah party...
21:47I'm not sure if they have your name. Let's see.
21:50Goldfarb, Goldman, Goldstein...
21:52I'm sorry, ladies. I just don't see it.
21:54I'm sure I'm on my list.
22:02Jenny, I love your half-tower portion!
22:08I can't believe you still have actual albums.
22:12Oh, my God!
22:14Styx! I love Styx.
22:16I had this album.
22:18Yeah, I love Renegade.
22:20Hate it, babe.
22:23How do you have this?
22:25What, are you kidding? This is a classic.
22:27Oh, this song is so me driving my parents to Oldsmobile without them knowing about it.
22:32You know what would go great with this song?
22:33Tube top and roller skates?
22:34Nope.
22:37Canadian Supergrass. Six times stronger than pot and 400 bucks an hour.
22:41It suddenly became obvious Wade was in no hurry to save up for his own apartment.
22:46And what pray tell is that?
22:48My bong.
22:49I made it at Camp Ticketoke.
22:51I'm sorry. Camp Ticketoke?
22:57I hadn't smoked pot out of a homemade bong since my eighth grade boyfriend made one out of tin foil,
23:01a Bic pen, and a two-liter bottle of his mother's lemony Pepsi light.
23:04I didn't even know if I'd remember how.
23:08Turns out it was like riding a bike.
23:11A ten speed.
23:12Oh, wow.
23:14Back at the bat mitzvah bash, Samantha heard some girl talk not suitable for little ladies.
23:18I'm gonna totally fuck at least three of those five and zinc guys after the after party.
23:22And I heard the other two are gay.
23:23So, I'd fuck them, I'd fuck them, and they're gay boys.
23:28Ladies, aren't you a little young for that kind of talk?
23:31Oh, I'm serious. You have your whole lives to talk that way.
23:35You should enjoy being children.
23:37At least until you turn 15 and start having sex.
23:40Please. I've been giving blowjobs since I'm 12.
23:43Really?
23:44It's the only way to get guys to like you.
23:46Oh, honey, that isn't true.
23:48Talk to the hand, Grandma.
23:50Samantha had been resenting Jenny Breyer all this time because of everything she had.
23:54But then Samantha realized she'd had something that no amount of money could buy.
23:59A childhood.
24:00And suddenly, the Dairy Queen wasn't looking so bad.
24:11I'm thirsty.
24:13There's bong water.
24:16Bong water!
24:27Bong water.
24:31Bong water.
24:32Bong water.
24:33Hold this.
24:41Hey! What are you doing?
24:43That's wet!
24:48Stop now!
24:50빨리 attack with this pussy chicken wing.
25:00That looks like my parents' car.
25:04Oh shit!
25:07Oh shit!
25:09Oh shit!
25:10It's okay, it's okay!
25:11No, it's not okay. My parents said that if they caught me smoking pot in the house again, I'd have
25:15to sleep on a cot in the comic book store.
25:16Wait, wait!
25:17What?
25:18What?
25:18The chicken wings, if they see billions of chicken wings, they're gonna know.
25:25We were smoking the pot!
25:28Fuck the fucking chicken wings, man. Where'd we put the fucking pot?
25:33Wait?
25:35You're home.
25:36Early.
25:38Hi.
25:40Is that marijuana I smell?
25:44No, no marijuana.
25:45No, God, no.
25:48Then what is this?
25:52Your father and I told you if you ever brought marijuana into this house again...
25:57Carrie brought it.
25:58I couldn't believe it.
26:00Power Lad would never have ratted me out like that.
26:02Is that true, Carrie?
26:04Did you bring marijuana into this house?
26:06There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to take responsibility for yourself.
26:11A time when I, like Jenny Breyer, had to stand up and say to the world, today I am a
26:17woman.
26:17Yes, Mrs. Adams.
26:19I brought the marijuana into the house.
26:24And I'm taking it with me when I go.
26:26Hot child in the city.
26:30Hot child in the city.
26:33Hot child in the city.
26:33Oh, baby.
26:35Da da da da da da.
26:37There she is!
26:38In the end, I decided I was definitely 34 going on 35.
26:43But in a city like New York with its pace and its pressures, sometimes it's important to have a 13
26:48-year-old moment.
26:48To remember a simpler time when the best thing in life was just hanging out, listening to records, and having
26:54fun with your friends.
26:55In your very own apartment.
26:58In a city where cynicism is as prevalent as Pashmina, there is nothing more hopeful than the getting ready for
27:04the first date routine.
27:05His name was Will O'Connor.
27:07He was a smart, cute, urban planner.
27:09Miranda had met at Starbucks when he had mistaken her latte for his double cap and had offered to make
27:14it up to her by buying her a real drink that Saturday.
27:17Samantha preferred the saying goodnight to the first date routine.
27:20His name was Sebastian Wise.
27:22For Sam, it was a very good night.
27:25Meanwhile, uptown, Trey and Charlotte were practicing their new routine.
27:29All righty.
27:30Scooter's got the sails up.
27:31Yes, I can feel it.
27:34All right.
27:35Bring it into the harbor.
27:36Bring it in.
27:37Okay.
27:39All right.
27:41Here they come.
27:44Come.
27:52The wind died.
27:54I'm sorry.
27:59After a week of the same routine, the only thing getting up in their bed was Charlotte's libido.
28:05As for me, my routine had become very routine.
28:09I was spending almost every night in, working.
28:14Hello?
28:14Okay.
28:15My date is three hours late.
28:17I'm being stood up, right?
28:19Maybe he got lost.
28:20Carrie?
28:21Well, it doesn't look good.
28:22Oh!
28:23And I'm wearing a new dress from Barney's, and I'm eating out of plastic.
28:26Oh, man.
28:27I'm sorry.
28:28He doesn't even know me.
28:30The least he could do is wait to get to know me before he rejects me.
28:33Yeah.
28:33That's illegal dumping.
28:35It's crazy.
28:36This hasn't happened to me since I'm 27.
28:38I'm older.
28:39I should know better.
28:40I thought I got a little smarter about picking him now, you know?
28:43I can't believe guys still stand girls up.
28:45I can't believe I'm eating a frozen dinner.
28:48I'm such a cliche.
28:49You want to grab a drink or something?
28:51No, I can't.
28:52I have to work.
28:53I agreed to teach these stupid learning annex classes.
28:56They're calling it Bright Lights Date City.
28:58Ugh!
28:59I'm so embarrassed for you.
29:01Hey, they're paying me 300 bucks a pop.
29:02It's a seminar on where to meet men.
29:04Apparently, I'm an expert.
29:06Tell them to steer clear of Starbucks.
29:08Who would pay for something like this?
29:10No?
29:11Maybe me.
29:13Okay.
29:14Gotta go.
29:15This dress is making a mockery of me.
29:18I'm sorry, sweetie.
29:19Bye.
29:19Please.
29:20Bye.
29:22Stood up at 27.
29:23Miranda had done nothing.
29:24At 34, she decided she wasn't going to take this stand up, lying down.
29:30Will may have given her the cold shoulder, but he had also given her his home number.
29:34Hello?
29:35Hi.
29:36Is Will there?
29:37Who's speaking, please?
29:38Miranda Hobbs.
29:40Miranda, this is Will's mother.
29:42Will!
29:43Will's mother!
29:43I don't know how you raised your son, but he just stood me up for a date.
29:48Will died today.
29:52They're starting to die on us.
29:54Oh, my God.
29:55Well, at least you weren't stood up.
29:5635, and they're dying.
29:58We should just give up now.
29:59Well, on the bright side, this could explain why they don't call back.
30:02How did he?
30:03Heart attack.
30:04At the gym.
30:04See?
30:05This is why I don't work out.
30:06You want to hear the worst part?
30:07I felt so bad, I told his mother I would go to the wake.
30:10You don't even know him.
30:11What?
30:12And it's safe to say, she never will.
30:14Well, I, for one, am far from being dead.
30:16I just got us reservations at Samba next week.
30:19Oh, fancy.
30:20But I could only get us a four-top.
30:22Do you think Trey would mind staying home?
30:24No.
30:25He doesn't seem up for much these days.
30:31Charlotte, is everything okay?
30:36We've been trying, you know, to...
30:38Fuck?
30:39Whatever.
30:40And it's just not getting big and hard.
30:44What is this, dirty Mad Libs?
30:45I love him and he's trying, but this is so frustrating.
30:49Of course it is.
30:50I mean, last night, I got so turned on, I almost...
30:54Hey!
30:55You almost masturbated.
30:56He almost got it up.
30:57Together, you almost had sex.
30:59Right next to my husband.
31:00I feel so ashamed.
31:02Everybody masturbates.
31:03Oh, I did it this morning.
31:05Well, that explains why I got your voicemail.
31:06He masturbates and he reads porn.
31:08But when it comes to dealing with me, nothing.
31:11Madonna whore.
31:12You think?
31:13Absolutely.
31:14Trey sees you as his virginal wife, not his sexual plaything.
31:17You're not going to get anywhere until you change how he sees you.
31:21I don't know if I can do that.
31:22Yes, you can.
31:23Come on, you're sexy.
31:24He should see you.
31:26You're something to see.
31:27Oh, yeah.
31:31The next night, I realized firsthand just how many desperate New York women there actually
31:35were out there.
31:37Wow.
31:38Hi.
31:41Hello.
31:43Hi.
31:44Gosh, I'm flattered that so many of you ladies showed up to hear me talk.
31:47Well, the fact is, I have had a lot of experience with men.
31:53Some of it good, some of it bad, and some of it very, very ugly.
31:57Wow.
31:58Well, there are two million single men in the city.
32:03I have dated about a million of them.
32:06Um, and all these men are right outside your door.
32:10So the next time you step out in the morning with your shoes and your toad and your traveling
32:14cappuccino, take a look around because I'm telling you, our little metropolis, it is stacked
32:19with men.
32:20You never know who you're going to run into.
32:22You can turn a corner and boom, bright light state city.
32:30Could you be more specific?
32:32Um, you mean like, like places to meet men?
32:36Sure.
32:36Um, well, let's see.
32:39Uh, samba.
32:41Um, real, any sporting, uh, sports parts.
32:43Mickey Mantles.
32:44Oh, I've gone there.
32:45All the men were married.
32:47Oh, really?
32:48Really?
32:48Hmm.
32:49Okay, well, uh, let's see.
32:52Um, well, I once met this fellow on the Hampton Jitney.
32:55Of course, it turned out that he couldn't drive and he was on some sort of parole program,
33:00so I guess that's a bad example.
33:02Suddenly, I felt like the bad example.
33:05Uh, yes, you.
33:07Are you married?
33:08Um, no.
33:10Yes, you right there.
33:12Have you ever been married?
33:13Uh, no, not that I'm aware of, no.
33:15Yes, you all the way in the back there, yes.
33:17How old are you?
33:20Look, I'm really not an expert on men, okay?
33:23I just write about this stuff.
33:25Then why are we paying to hear you talk about it?
33:30Hey, hey, come on, quiet.
33:32She's older than us.
33:33We can learn something.
33:35The only thing I had learned that night at the Learning Annex was that maybe I should've stayed home.
33:41Can I smoke in here?
33:42Is that all right?
33:43No.
33:44If you stay single in New York long enough, you're supposed to get wiser about dating.
33:48What men to pick, where to meet them.
33:50But what really made any of us experts?
33:53Wasn't our single status a neon sign that we couldn't get it right?
33:56What if all these years in New York have only made us older, more confused, or dead?
34:02Are we getting wiser or just older?
34:05I swear to God, if they'd been holding tomatoes instead of Louis Vuitton clutches, I'd be a dead woman.
34:09Or at least gazpacho.
34:11Do you know that there are no available men out there?
34:14Uh, we're at my date's wake, so yes.
34:17Gosh, they were so hostile.
34:19Fuck em.
34:20Well, maybe they're right in me.
34:21What do I know about men?
34:22All I have is a bunch of failed relationships.
34:25And one affair.
34:26Thanks.
34:27As if being a dead person of Jason isn't bad enough.
34:30I'm supposed to teach another one of these classes next week.
34:32What am I gonna do?
34:33I am a bodyguard.
34:36This is my first wake.
34:38Don't expect a goodie bag.
34:41Oh my God, open casket.
34:43No, no, no, no.
34:44I've never seen a dead baby before.
34:45Let's get out of here.
34:46We can't.
34:46People are looking at us.
34:58Oh, wow, he's cute.
35:02He was.
35:05Damn.
35:11See, this would've helped me.
35:13A place to meet men at after-week party.
35:14He had money set aside for this.
35:17It's nice. I'm dead. You're not. Enjoy the buffet.
35:20Damn it, I like him even more now.
35:21He was organized enough to have a will and some very attractive friends.
35:24This place is lousy with men.
35:26Look how freaked out they all look.
35:28That's because they know any minute and boom, you're out of here.
35:31Harry?
35:32Hey, it's me, Jim.
35:36Oh, my God. Hey, Jim.
35:40Hey, your hair.
35:41Yeah, I know. I cut it for a real job.
35:44I'm an engineer now.
35:45On the railroad?
35:46Civil.
35:47What happened to the band?
35:49Turns out I really wasn't talented.
35:51Oh, wow.
35:52Oh, Miranda, sorry. This is Jim.
35:55We dated like a grillion years ago.
35:58Or eight.
35:59Miranda, nice to meet you.
36:01I'd ask if you two were having fun, but that seems totally inappropriate.
36:04It is, and we are. Thanks.
36:06So you were friends with Will?
36:08May he rest.
36:09Roommates in college.
36:11It was weird. We were friends, but we were really competitive.
36:14We were always fighting it out for everything.
36:16I mean, look, he even died first, just to beat me to the punch.
36:19Oh, bad.
36:21But you laughed.
36:22Well, you guys were the classic frenemies.
36:24Frenemies. Nice word.
36:26Well, I'm a full-time writer now.
36:27I know.
36:27I'm a lawyer.
36:29And I'm not drunk enough. Can I get you ladies anything?
36:31Oh, uh, martini.
36:32No.
36:33Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
36:35He's kind of cute.
36:39He's kind of an asshole.
36:40Really?
36:41Oh, yes, indeedy.
36:43But he seems great.
36:44Oh, sure. That's what I thought, too, when I started dating him.
36:46Then when we both knew it wasn't working and I broke up with him, hello, asshole.
36:50You know, snide comments and rumors spreading works.
36:54But he's so cute.
36:57Incoming.
36:57Outgoing.
36:59Here you go, Miranda.
37:00Thanks.
37:01I would love to stay and chat inappropriately, but I'm due to give a toast in the other room.
37:06So this is kind of a working wake for you.
37:09Listen, I'd love to get together with you sometime.
37:12Oh, um, here's my card.
37:15My email address is on the back and my cell.
37:18Apparently, Will's death had turned Miranda into my target audience, a desperate woman.
37:24Downtown, Samantha was getting wise.
37:27Sebastian wise, again.
37:30While Uptown, Charlotte was getting nothing at all.
37:34I'm telling you, we almost broke the bed.
37:36You can't break a bed.
37:37What does this stallion do for a living?
37:39I'm not sure.
37:40Hey, does he go to Mickey Mantles?
37:42He got me.
37:44How can you not know anything about him? You slept with him.
37:47I fucked him. He made me come six times.
37:49It's good enough for me.
37:51Stop it.
37:54Why do you always have to talk about sex like that?
37:56Because I can.
37:58Okay, girl, simmer down. Mommy hasn't had her caffeine yet.
38:00I can't take this anymore.
38:02Oh, hey, frittatas.
38:05Sex is something special that's supposed to happen between two people who love each other.
38:09Or two people who love sex.
38:11Oh, my God, you're such a...
38:12A what?
38:12What am I, Charlotte?
38:14When are you going to learn that you can't just sleep with everything that comes along?
38:17Hey, Mrs. Softy, at least I'm getting laid.
38:21And you can forget Samba.
38:24That girl needs to stick out of her ass and a dick in her coochie pronto.
38:27Am I right?
38:28Not getting involved.
38:29I'm with her.
38:31You know what?
38:32I don't need this.
38:34Maybe you guys should forget Samba, too.
38:40We knew this was coming.
38:42But it's so sad and petty.
38:45I'm staying way out of this one.
38:46Way out. New Jersey out.
38:50Okay, speaking of petty, how upset would you be if I went out with Jim?
38:55Jim, old boyfriend Jim?
38:57He called me.
38:58Oh, Miranda, no.
39:00Honey, he so needs to be voted off the island.
39:03I know how you feel, but he was so sweet on the phone.
39:07And it was eight years ago, Carrie.
39:09Maybe he's learned something.
39:10I mean, haven't you learned anything?
39:17Right now.
39:17All right, fine.
39:18Go.
39:19Go.
39:19And you know what they say.
39:20One woman's asshole is another woman's...
39:22A-hole.
39:23Well, as long as you're okay with it.
39:27Later that week, Charlotte decided if she was ever going to get Trey to see the sexual
39:30part of her, she'd have to dress the part.
39:33I'm going to get him to notice me, Carrie.
39:34I have to.
39:35I think that's a bottom.
39:37Oh.
39:38You know, if you're going to go the lingerie route, why not go La Perla or something a
39:41little more upscale and a little less flammable?
39:45I don't want to be me.
39:45I want to be someone else.
39:47Well, that's the basis for a healthy relationship.
39:49What about these?
39:49What do these say?
39:50Um, read my lips.
39:52I want to be Call Girl Meets Park Avenue.
39:56Then you're going to have to pair that with a nice little cardigan.
39:59Oh, this is important to me, Carrie.
40:01I need him to see me sexually.
40:02I know you do, sweetie.
40:03I'm just not sure I need to.
40:05You know, this is much more a Samantha drive.
40:08Oh, please.
40:09I need a break from her.
40:11You shouldn't be so hard on her.
40:13She doesn't mean to be hurtful.
40:15Well, she was.
40:16Well, I believe there were two of you ruining my breakfast.
40:18You know what?
40:20I have enough problems in my life right now.
40:22I really don't need any lectures.
40:25It was my second lecture that week that was a failure.
40:29And across town, Samantha decided the wise thing to do was to take a break from all of
40:33us and go shopping.
40:37Oh, I'm sorry.
40:39Let it go and no one gets hurt.
40:41I think I was holding it first.
40:43I know Taekwondo.
40:45I know the manager.
40:49You're spunky.
40:51I like spunky women.
40:52We're a dying breed.
40:54No kidding.
40:55I'm Claire Ann.
40:57Don't let the southern accent fool you.
40:59I'm Samantha.
41:00Nothing fools me.
41:03I'll tell you what.
41:04I'll let you have the scarf if you show me where a gal can get a hard drink and a
41:08dark
41:08bar around here.
41:10Done and done.
41:12Well, my last date died.
41:14So the fact that you're still breathing makes this a huge success.
41:17Low standards.
41:18I like that.
41:26This was really nice.
41:27Yeah, it was.
41:29You know, Carrie wasn't sure that we would get along.
41:31She knew me a long time ago.
41:33I've changed.
41:34I mean, back then I was in a band called Uncle Ted's Ass, and I could sit on my head.
41:41Wow, that's impressive.
41:42You didn't hear us play.
41:52I'd like to see you again.
41:53I'd like that.
41:57I'd like it.
42:01The next morning, Miranda called with a post-mortem on her last date with Jim.
42:08Hello?
42:09Hey, it's me.
42:10Oh, thank God.
42:11I thought it was a learning annex bugging me about my next class.
42:14When's that?
42:1412th and never going to happen.
42:16Do you know people actually ask for refunds after my first class?
42:19What do they know?
42:20Apparently more than I do.
42:22I feel like a total sham.
42:23Oh, easy.
42:25That's my friend you're talking about there.
42:26Hmm.
42:29So, I went out with Jim.
42:31Don't make me say I told you so.
42:33Carrie, it was great.
42:34It was fun and romantic.
42:36We talked so long we closed the restaurant.
42:37I think you're wrong about him.
42:38I think this could be good.
42:39Are we talking about the same Jim, Jim Asshole Jim?
42:42He's not an asshole.
42:43Yeah, not until you break up with him.
42:45Come on, he says the greatest things about you.
42:47He does.
42:48I'm going out with him again on Friday.
42:50Go, Godspeed.
42:51Carrie, I feel weird dating a guy that you don't like.
42:55We should all go out.
42:57Have a drink sometime.
42:59One drink.
43:00Question, what do you know about this guy?
43:02You've been on one date with him.
43:03What do you know about him?
43:04He's been eight years.
43:05Think about the drink.
43:07Uptown, Charlotte decided this would be a good time to spend with her real old friends,
43:11the sisters of Kappa Kappa Gamma.
43:13Oh, my goodness.
43:14Has it been forever or what?
43:16It has.
43:17It is so great to see you, Charlotte.
43:18We've really missed you.
43:20And I have missed you.
43:21You have no idea.
43:22Well, congratulations on your wedding.
43:24Welcome to the Married Old Gals Club.
43:27He is so handsome.
43:30Oh, my God.
43:31I would like to trade my husband in for him, please.
43:34She knew they would understand her.
43:36After all, they were all married, too.
43:38I remember being a newlywed.
43:39We hardly ever got out of bed.
43:41Sydney.
43:42What?
43:43It's just us girls.
43:45My husband can't get it up.
43:47Perhaps it would have been wiser for Charlotte to have had a Kappa Kappa Cappuccino instead of
43:51that third martini.
43:52Hey, I'm so frustrated.
43:54Charlotte?
43:55I mean, don't you ever just want to be really pounded hard, you know?
43:59Like when the bed is moving all around and it's all sweaty and your head is knocking
44:04up against the headboard and you feel like it might just blow off?
44:07Damn it.
44:08I just really want to be fucked, you know?
44:10Just really fucked.
44:12The only heads blowing off were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma.
44:16Charlotte?
44:17This is really inappropriate.
44:19Yeah.
44:20We're eating.
44:21What's wrong with you, Charlotte?
44:23You're such a...
44:24What?
44:24What am I, Sydney?
44:27Charlotte realized how much they'd all changed since college.
44:31Her friends had become frenemies, and to them she had become Samantha.
44:39Here's to new friends and gorgeous New York man.
44:44Mmm.
44:46Hey, would you like to join me at Samba on Friday night?
44:50Two hot rods at a hot restaurant.
44:53I love it.
44:54The reservation's for four.
45:01Done.
45:02And done.
45:06An hour later, Samantha couldn't believe how much fun she was having.
45:10She had finally found a woman who was as open about her sexuality as she was.
45:13I call the blonde.
45:16Oh, you are too cute.
45:19I could just eat you up.
45:21Yes, I could.
45:24I'm gonna eat you up.
45:26Ah!
45:28Claire Ann?
45:34Oh, my God.
45:36Excellent.
45:40Claire Ann, I'm going.
45:42What a new.
45:48And you can forget Samba.
45:50Hey, where are you going?
45:52That night, Samantha learned she had a little Charlotte in her.
45:56Just like Charlotte, she had a line that could be crossed.
45:59Hers was just a little more to the left.
46:01The next night, I agreed to meet Jim and Miranda for drinks.
46:05Jim took me to an amazing poetry reading last night.
46:07The unpublished works of Robert Lowell.
46:09He wrote a thesis on Lowell.
46:10Really?
46:11I didn't know that.
46:12There's a lot you never knew about me.
46:14Another Chardonnay for the beautiful lady?
46:16Oh, thank you.
46:18So, I lost track of you, but I always read your column.
46:22It's really good.
46:24Maybe I've been wrong.
46:25Jim seemed kind, funny, attentive.
46:28There's a lot of sex in there.
46:31It creeps in.
46:33You didn't seem to know too much about sex when we were dating.
46:36And still an asshole.
46:37All right, then.
46:38Good to see you.
46:39Don't leave.
46:39Don't leave.
46:39I was joking.
46:41Stay.
46:42I have really bad time.
46:44Speaking of which, did you ever hear his band play?
46:46No, uh-uh.
46:47She was too busy going shopping for shoes.
46:49Oh, I do like my shoes.
46:51Yeah.
46:52They come in handy when you're walking all over people, huh?
46:55Hey, Jim, come on.
46:56Just reliving happy memories.
46:58Carrie doesn't walk all over people.
47:00She sure as fuck did with me.
47:01Well, maybe that's because you're an asshole.
47:04I'm an asshole?
47:05She's the asshole.
47:06She never called me once after we broke up.
47:07That's because you're an asshole.
47:10She's the asshole.
47:11She's not an asshole.
47:12Thank you, sweetie.
47:13You know what?
47:14Never call me again.
47:16Oh, you're breaking up with me?
47:17Oh, yeah.
47:18Ew, the fancy lawyer lady's breaking up with me like I give a shit.
47:23Jim hadn't gotten older or wiser.
47:25Once dumped, he would still dump on everyone else.
47:27You are such assholes.
47:35Okay, say it.
47:36I told you so.
47:38What?
47:38An asshole.
47:39I told you so.
47:41Is it bad that it makes me feel good to say that?
47:43No.
47:44I can't believe I fell for that asshole.
47:47Ah, your date died.
47:48You panicked.
47:49Yeah, you know me too well.
47:51Hey, there are plenty of other assholes out there.
47:54You think?
47:55Yeah, I know.
47:55And I'm an expert.
47:57You're such an asshole.
48:00Meanwhile, uptown, the Samantha and Charlotte was finally ready to come out.
48:06Hey.
48:09What in God's name are you wearing?
48:13It's supposed to be sexy.
48:17Come on, Charlotte.
48:18You're my wife.
48:20That's not you.
48:21Take it off.
48:23Fine.
48:29Charlotte.
48:33Look at me.
48:39This is me.
48:41I'm not a Madonna, and I'm not a whore.
48:46I'm your wife, and I'm sexual, and I love you.
49:00What are you doing?
49:04I'm touching myself.
49:07I can...
49:09I can see that.
49:12Good.
49:25Trey?
49:27I think we have a stiff breeze.
49:29That night, Trey successfully screwed his wife for a full minute and a half before the
49:36wind died.
49:37After Charlotte's night of love, she called the one person she knew who would appreciate
49:42it the most.
49:43Hello?
49:44Well, he fucked me.
49:47Oh, honey, that's great.
49:48I knew you could do it.
49:50Thanks.
49:51Oh, hey, don't forget Samba, Friday night.
49:54I'll be there.
49:55Did you come?
49:57Well, Samantha...
49:58Having spent time with their frenemies, Charlotte and Samantha forgot they were enemies and went
50:03back to being friends.
50:04I realized I had become my own worst frenemy.
50:07I had let 300 desperate women and one asshole convince me that I didn't know anything, but
50:12they were wrong.
50:13I was older and wiser, so I decided to keep my second date with the Learning Annex.
50:18Unfortunately, my reputation had preceded me.
50:21Wow.
50:21Is this it?
50:24Okay.
50:25Wow.
50:26Um, hi.
50:28I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
50:30Um, I know you've paid good money to find out how to meet men.
50:35And I have to tell you, I don't know a whole lot about it, but I do know this.
50:38You are not going to meet them sitting in a Learning Annex class.
50:40So, ladies, grab your bags.
50:44Come on, we're not getting any younger.
50:47Top job.
50:49That's right.
50:50Just trying to give you your money's worth.
50:51All right.
50:52I took them around the corner to a bar and took my $300 and bought them drinks.
50:57Okay, Anne.
50:58The guy over there is checking you out.
51:01Twelve o'clock.
51:03Not everybody.
51:04Just in.
51:04Just in.
51:05I go over there and ask him for a light.
51:06I'm already lit.
51:09I can't.
51:10Go.
51:12Go.
51:15Hi.
51:16Got him, why?
51:17Oh, yeah.
51:17Great.
51:18Sure.
51:19Oh, yeah.
51:20See?
51:21Okay, one down.
51:22Five to go.
51:23Hey.
51:23What about him?
51:24No, it's totally cool.
51:25It's fine.
51:27Excuse me?
51:28Hi.
51:29Hi.
51:29Hi.
51:30Have you met Liz?
51:30She works in TV.
51:32Get out of here.
51:33I love TV.
51:34Something in common.
51:35That night, I made three matches.
51:37I didn't even look for myself.
51:39After all, I try not to date where I work.
51:41So, I guess the old and wise adage is true.
51:44Those who can't do, teach.
51:45And those who can't teach, do.
51:48Go get him, Tiger.
51:49Oh, I'm going to win.
51:51Go get him, too.