- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05New York City. Dreary. Gray. Miserable. Or was that just me?
00:12After ending a sordid affair with my married ex-boyfriend and going through a painful breakup with my current one,
00:17I decided it was time for a change of scenery, and I wasn't alone.
00:22I can't believe you're all going to L.A. without me.
00:24We still can't believe you went on your honeymoon without us.
00:27Oh, I have pictures.
00:29You happy now?
00:30While we were planning our escape, Charlotte was celebrating her return.
00:34She and Trey had just come back from ten days in Bermuda.
00:36See? Here Trey and I are playing golf.
00:39Do you think the studio will send a limo to pick us up?
00:42No, I do not.
00:43They should. They're making a movie out of your column.
00:45It's a little production company that's just talking about optioning the columns.
00:49I know. I was just practicing my L.A. spin.
00:53Oh, look, look. Here's one of Trey pretending to get a hole in one. He just loved that guy.
00:57Who wouldn't?
00:58Oh!
00:59Did you notice that we're both wearing Bermuda shorts?
01:02Bermudas in Bermuda. You kids were crazy down there.
01:05Well, I'd love to stay, but I've gotta drug my cat and take him to the kennel.
01:09Lovely.
01:10Ah! I gotta go, too.
01:11Hey, the car's picking us up at one.
01:13We'll be there.
01:14Welcome back, you old married lady.
01:18Bye! Have fun!
01:19Alright!
01:23So, how are you?
01:25I'm good. How are you?
01:26Great.
01:28I told Aiden about the affair and he broke up with me.
01:31Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
01:33You win.
01:35So, should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?
01:38He just...
01:39He couldn't get it up.
01:41We tried twice and it was just so frustrating we just started playing golf.
01:44After many days on the golf course, Charlotte's handicap had gone down twelve.
01:49Trey's handicap had stayed the same.
01:51Well, sweetie, impotence is a common problem.
01:55Oh, God.
01:56Do you think he's impotent?
01:59Well, my husband can't be impotent. He's gorgeous.
02:03Alright then. Glad you solved that.
02:05I was thinking that maybe he was just nervous about the wedding and the honeymoon and the golf.
02:11He played really badly one day.
02:14What do you want me to say?
02:17Let's just change the subject.
02:20What happened with Aiden?
02:23Nothing good.
02:25The whole reason I even agreed to this trip was to get away from Aiden and Big and the whole
02:28mess.
02:30Come on. Let's get the check and go to Barney's.
02:32I can't possibly go to Los Angeles without another pair of shoes.
02:37No.
02:38You go. I'm gonna stay and have another cup.
02:40Just go. Have fun.
02:42Alright.
02:47Call me if you need me.
02:49Okay. Bye.
02:51Bye.
02:59Later that day, three single New Yorkers arrived in the City of Angels.
03:02Oh.
03:04I so needed this vacation.
03:06You and me both, sister.
03:08Hooray for Hollywood.
03:14Wait. That's his job? To sit in a fake fish tank in underwear?
03:18What do you think he's reading?
03:19The want ads?
03:21There seems to be a problem.
03:23Words I'm never fond of hearing.
03:24I have reservations for Ms. Jones and Ms. Bradshaw, but not Ms. Hobbs.
03:27Great. This is great.
03:29Well, there was...
03:30There was supposed to be three reservations.
03:32The production company only requested two rooms and I'm afraid we're all booked up.
03:36Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
03:38She's from New York.
03:40I understand.
03:41I'll have another room tomorrow, the next day at the latest.
03:43Until then, might I suggest you stay with one of your friends?
03:48I'll stay with Mark.
03:49Okay, I don't want to hear anything about my smoking.
03:52Uh, they didn't request smoking rooms.
03:55Excuse me?
03:57You're on a non-smoking floor.
03:58Or is it maybe less fond of hearing?
04:02Later that night, decked out in our New York goes to LA finest,
04:06we were ready for a night on the town.
04:14Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.
04:21Back in the hotel bar, we realized the three-hour time difference
04:25also made us three hours late for cocktail hour.
04:28Welcome to LA. I'm Garth.
04:29I'm Samantha. How did you know I was from out of town?
04:31Because if you lived here, we would have met by now.
04:34So what do you do when you're not working as a one-man welcome wagon?
04:38I'm a dildo mom.
04:39You wouldn't tease a girl, would you?
04:42Really, I'm the number two silly model in the US.
04:44Number one in Canada. My dick's bigger.
04:46Gotta love that metric system.
04:47Dildo?
04:49Uh...
04:50I gotta run.
04:51Where? A dildo emergency?
04:54You know, I know you think I'm yanking your chain, but I'm not.
04:56As a matter of fact, we are having a promotional party at the Hustlers store
04:59celebrating the launch of a new line of toys and accessories.
05:03Here's an invitation.
05:05Come.
05:13As Samantha said goodbye to Mr. Dildo, Miranda said hello to Mr. Dick, Mr. Jason Dick.
05:19It's spelled D-I-Q-U-E. It's Dutch, and yes, I've thought about change.
05:23Well, it could be worse.
05:24How?
05:24If your first name was Little.
05:26So what about you? What do you do?
05:28I'm a lawyer.
05:29Oh, and I thought I had it bad.
05:30No, no, that's great.
05:32You look like a lawyer.
05:33And you look like a dick.
05:35It is so great to talk to a smart and funny woman.
05:43Uh, what was I saying?
05:44It's great to talk to a smart and funny woman.
05:47Yeah, yeah.
05:48Um, could you excuse me for a second?
05:51Okay.
05:53And across the bar, I was having drinks with the most ambitious and feared creature in all of Los Angeles,
05:58the Junior Development Executive.
06:00I just love your columns.
06:02They're so relatable.
06:03Thanks. Well, I try.
06:04It's like I'm you.
06:06Or I will be when I turn 30.
06:08You.
06:09You are such a loser.
06:11You're a loser.
06:12You are.
06:13Loser.
06:14I'm kidding.
06:16What a loser.
06:17Last year, between nothing but shit 24-7.
06:19That's a lot of shit.
06:20No shit.
06:21Oh.
06:23But seriously.
06:24I am you.
06:26You've had your heart broken.
06:27I've had my heart broken.
06:29And if I have, that means other girls have.
06:31And if other girls have, that means big opening weekend.
06:34Not X-Men big, but chick flick big.
06:36God, the guy who came up with that term should have his balls cut off.
06:39Don't you think that's a little severe?
06:40Do I sound like an asshole?
06:42I hope I don't sound like an asshole.
06:43You know, I love your shoes.
06:45Oh, thanks.
06:46Thanks.
06:46So, big news.
06:48I have a star interest in.
06:50Guess who?
06:52Um, Drew Barrymore?
06:55No.
06:56Guess.
06:58I'm really not good with the celebrity names.
07:00Oh, guess.
07:01Uh, that Jennifer Love Something girl?
07:05Nope.
07:06Guess.
07:08I'm done guessing.
07:12Matthew McConaughey.
07:13Matthew McConaughey.
07:16Why would he want to be involved?
07:18Because he's smart.
07:19He's a producer as well, and he really took to the material.
07:22You're meeting him tomorrow at three.
07:24Hot, hottie, hot.
07:25What do you think about that?
07:31Meanwhile, back in New York, Charlotte was dealing with a bed that was still cold, coldy cold.
07:36Trey, honey, come to bed. It's late.
07:38Well, in a minute, I won't be able to sleep until I enter all these wedding gifts.
07:43Sleep was the last thing Charlotte was hoping Trey would do in bed that night.
07:48You see, I've listed the gifts, who it's from, and the addresses.
07:53It'll make it a breeze when you send out the thank you notes.
07:55Oh, I can't wait till all this wedding nonsense is behind us, and then we can relax and just be
08:01a regular man and wife.
08:04The Jamesons were the crystal candlesticks, and the Sutherfans were the silver.
08:10Hello there.
08:11You know, since we've been home, I've just been feeling so much more relaxed, haven't you?
08:19Oh, I think you just deleted Mr. and Mrs. Evan Handy and our Stubenglass ball. Hang on.
08:28Trey, we have a problem.
08:31I know. Somehow we've got two serving platters, and we only registered for one.
08:38Charlotte walked back to her big Park Avenue bed, wishing she had remembered to register for a sex life.
08:45When visiting L.A., there are two things you simply must do.
08:48One is rent a fabulous car.
08:50Two is learn how to drive it.
08:52You said you knew how to drive a stick.
08:53Well, I did it a couple of times in a parking lot.
08:57Why did you just get an automatic?
08:59I love this car. It goes with my outfit.
09:01It was my own personal belief that cars are to Los Angeles what handbags are in New York.
09:07What would this do? At least it won't be fledged.
09:10Yeah, I think they mean culturally.
09:12The hotel's right there.
09:13Yes, but to get there, we have to go up this hill.
09:20Okay, that's enough! Stop!
09:25I'm not going to die in this tin can.
09:27I have a date with a dildo.
09:30I'm sorry.
09:31Alright, alright. Come on, we're gonna do it.
09:38Give me!
09:43A little while later, freshly showered and freaked out,
09:47I drove to the studio for my meeting with Matthew McConaughey.
10:07Can I help you?
10:10There aren't any hills in there are there?
10:13Go down there, make a left.
10:14Oh, thank you.
10:22I do. I like all of it.
10:24I think your writing is brilliant.
10:26I really do. I mean, it's sharp, it's edgy, it's brutal at times.
10:30It's always a little juicy. It's very New York.
10:33You know what I'm saying? I do like it. I really do.
10:36Well, my God. Well, thank you, Matthew McConaughey.
10:41You're welcome, Carrie Bradshaw.
10:44Now, here's what I've been thinking about.
10:47How do we get your column to translate to the silver screen?
10:51And I think I've got the answer.
10:53Now, what if we flush out a central relationship?
10:57Hmm?
10:58Mm-hmm. Okay. Central relationship.
11:00Oh, Carrie and Mr. Big, huh?
11:03I don't see why they couldn't make it work.
11:05I couldn't believe it.
11:07I flew 3,000 miles to have Matthew McConaughey ask the same question I've been asking myself for years.
11:12I mean, look at him. I mean, he is such a great guy.
11:15I mean, I don't know anybody any cooler than Mr. Big.
11:18My only question, really, is what the fuck is Carrie's problem?
11:23You know? What do you think?
11:27Well, I don't particularly think it was just her problem.
11:35Well, actually, he had some, you know, commitment issues.
11:38That's bullshit, Carrie, and you know it?
11:44I'm kidding. I'm acting, huh?
11:47That's what I do.
11:49Yes, but do you see what I mean?
11:51That's why I want to develop the story with you.
11:54I'm Mr. Big.
11:56Oh, okay. Well, yeah.
11:59Excellent. You're in.
12:01You know what else?
12:03I really want to fuck you, baby.
12:06Are you acting now?
12:08I'm big, okay?
12:10You be Carrie.
12:11I am Carrie.
12:12We are animals.
12:13Man, woman, walking the earth.
12:16We're made of head, heart, and loins.
12:19We're talking about using them. Am I right?
12:22Well, I have...
12:24Well, the girl said that we would probably...
12:27We would talk about the columns today.
12:30Let's get down to the underbelly of these two characters.
12:33And let's figure out why they're so fucked up.
12:37Well, I have a facial at four.
12:40Listen, I love you.
12:42I don't understand why we can't be together.
12:45Do you mind if I smoke?
12:46I don't think you should smoke, Carrie.
12:48What?
12:48In the movie, I don't think Carrie should smoke.
12:51Oh.
12:52Yeah.
12:52That's all right.
12:55Or my office.
12:57Okay?
12:58After I left the meeting, I took a wrong turn and somehow found myself right back where I had started.
13:04Back in New York.
13:05Back wondering about Big.
13:08I had come to LA for a vacation, hoping to get away from Big and Aiden and most of all
13:13myself.
13:14But sitting on the fake set, all my old issues felt more real than ever.
13:19I couldn't help but wonder, no matter how far you travel or how much you run from it, can you
13:24ever really escape your past?
13:27No?
13:28No smoking.
13:30But I'm outside.
13:32And it's New York!
13:45In New York, the release of a new book is cause for celebration.
13:48Here in LA, a new line of sex toys will do the trick.
13:52Isn't this fun?
13:53The answer to that would be no. Sweetie, we want to go.
13:56What?
13:57We can't leave yet.
13:59Look, they haven't even cut the car.
14:00What are the chances it's cream filled?
14:02I am exhausted from a Conaghy mania.
14:05I just want to get into bed, go to sleep, and pretend this whole day never happened.
14:09Oh, stay a little longer.
14:10Garth's going to autograph some dildos. He's a very big seller.
14:13He's the John Grisham of penises.
14:15I'm gonna go get him on.
14:20I can't believe how open and high I have sexist places.
14:23And New York sex is so bottom shelf paperback.
14:25Exactly. It's all hidden. Like me.
14:28What do you mean?
14:30Last night I was talking to this cute guy, and we were having a great time.
14:33And then this woman in a tight dress walked by with big breasts, just boom, here they are.
14:38And he totally went for it.
14:40Right.
14:41But the thing is, I wanted to have sex with him too.
14:43But it was all hidden in my witty banter and my little looks, and she just put it right out
14:47there.
14:48Sex.
14:48And she got the guy.
14:49Yeah, but how long did she have him?
14:50Who cares? I'm on vacation. I want to get laid.
14:53I admire women who can just put it right out there where you can see it.
14:56See, look, like her.
15:00You want to dress like her?
15:02You know what I mean?
15:03Do you think there's any chance that she's not up for sex?
15:05No, because she's a hugger.
15:08Hey, mommy.
15:10Hi.
15:10Hi.
15:11Have we met?
15:13No.
15:14I was just telling my friend how much I admire what you're wearing.
15:18Are you in the porn industry?
15:19Oh, God, no.
15:20I'm a lawyer for Disney.
15:21Ah.
15:23See?
15:24There you go.
15:25Thank you so much.
15:26Enjoy.
15:28You made it.
15:32Well, my opinion of Canadian consumers just went up a notch.
15:37Sign it, please.
15:39How should I sign it?
15:40I don't know.
15:42To Samantha, who's staying at the standard room 324.
15:45Perfect.
15:46I'll deliver it personally.
15:48You're too kind.
15:52That night, Samantha took home the deluxe Garth.
15:57And next door, I learned that not only could I not escape my past, I couldn't escape my present.
16:07What is it about California air?
16:08It makes me sleep so well.
16:11It's not the air.
16:12Your headboard knocked you unconscious.
16:14You heard us?
16:15I didn't.
16:16No, Miss Snore, you wouldn't.
16:18Are you okay?
16:19I'm cranky.
16:20I have to take another meeting with Matthew McConaughey and his partners.
16:23We're all gonna sit around and brainstorm what goes wrong with Carrie and all her relationships.
16:27Don't go.
16:28I have to go.
16:29They flew me out here.
16:30I'm their little writer monkey.
16:31Well, I've got something to make you feel better.
16:36Oh, dildos before 10 a.m.
16:38I'm all perked up.
16:39They're autographed.
16:40One for each.
16:41Oh.
16:41My friend went to California and all I got was this lousy dildo.
16:45Could you please put these back wherever they came from?
16:47People are staring.
16:47Please.
16:48It's L.A.
16:49No one cares if your egg whites have a side of cock.
16:52Wow.
16:53Nobody needs this much.
16:54Do you know the average woman is only five inches deep?
16:57Is that written on your placement or something?
16:58To me, the mark of a fine penis is with...
17:01Couldn't agree more.
17:02Sure.
17:03That's why I know you'll enjoy your presence.
17:05Huh.
17:05So are you saying that Garth has the perfect girth?
17:09Exactly.
17:10Well, as much as I enjoy the fine, lifelike craftsmanship, I'm gonna leave mine with you.
17:17Um, I think I'm holding on to mine.
17:20Ellie isn't working out exactly the way I had hoped.
17:24Meanwhile, back in New York and still no closer to being input by Trey, Charlotte addressed
17:29thank you notes.
17:30Every time she licked a love stamp, she felt it made a mockery of her marriage.
17:41Hello?
17:41It's me.
17:42It's been days and still nothing.
17:44What if he really is impotent?
17:46Well, what kind of impotence do you think it is?
17:48The kind that makes it soft?
17:50No, no.
17:51I mean physical or emotional.
17:53I don't know.
17:54Well, have you asked him about it?
17:56Oh, he's embarrassed.
17:57He doesn't even want to talk about it.
17:59Okay.
17:59Here's how you find out.
18:01You put a ring of paper around his flaccid penis while he's asleep.
18:04Jesus, I sound like a perverted Nancy Drew.
18:06What does that do?
18:07Well, if it rips during the night, that means he's capable of an erection and the problem
18:11is not physical.
18:12This floor has gone smoking.
18:14I have an addiction, sir!
18:16A ring of paper.
18:19Yep.
18:22Later that night, Samantha invited Mr. Dildo out for dim sum and then some.
18:27So, Samantha, tell me more about yourself.
18:31What are your interests?
18:32Well, I think that's pretty obvious.
18:33I'm serious.
18:34I mean, don't you want to know more about me?
18:37My interests?
18:39Well, okay.
18:40I'm a poet.
18:42Oh.
18:43I've even, I've been published in the Amicus Journal.
18:46Garth wanted Samantha to know that he was more than just a sex toy.
18:49He had a soft side.
18:51You want to hear one?
18:53And far away, Charlotte was dealing with Trey's soft side as well.
18:57She decided she was going to get some answers.
19:00So she came to bed, armed with love.
19:12She went to sleep hoping her mail had sufficient postage to deliver his package into her box.
19:19Back at the hotel, Samantha was waiting for a delivery of her own.
19:22And once again, the leaves bloom four.
19:25Some headed south, some headed north.
19:30That's beautiful.
19:31Come here.
19:35Blue, as a baby bird, winged and aloft, my eyes searched your eyes for something I've lost.
19:45Uh-huh.
19:48Samantha.
19:49I was thinking.
19:51Oh.
19:51You were.
19:52We have this really great connection, and I've pretty much done L.A.
19:56How about I move to New York?
19:58I could pursue my two passions, poetry and porn.
20:01Uh...
20:02Wouldn't it be great?
20:03We could keep seeing each other.
20:06Having a fling in L.A. is one thing.
20:07But introducing Mr. Dildo to everyone at a gal at the Met was quite another.
20:12I don't think it would work, Garth.
20:14I know me.
20:15And I'm much too possessive a woman to show your penis with the world.
20:20And just like that, Samantha escaped a life as Mrs. Dildo.
20:24She moved Garth out of her present and into her past.
20:27But she took the best part of him with her.
20:32I'd finally found a place to escape Miranda's snoring.
20:35The ghosts of my relationship's past weren't so easy to shake.
20:39I had to face the fact that I hadn't really moved on from Big and Aiden.
20:42I'd just moved.
20:43Excuse me.
20:45Put it out.
20:46Put it out.
20:47Oh, no.
20:48I was just wondering if I could borrow this.
20:51Oh, sorry.
20:52It's my last one.
20:55You want some company?
21:02You sure you want to be alone?
21:04I am.
21:05As soon as I said it out loud, I knew that that was just what I wanted.
21:11And needed.
21:17The next day, Charlotte woke up as excited as a little girl on Christmas morning.
21:21And she couldn't wait to see if Trey's package was unwrapped.
21:34Oh, no.
21:35Morning, morning, morning.
21:38Good morning.
21:39What are you so excited about?
21:41Nothing.
21:43I just love you.
21:45I love you, too.
21:47For the first time in weeks, Charlotte felt relieved.
21:51Trey's problem wasn't physical.
21:52And then she realized, if it wasn't physical, she couldn't escape the fact that it might be emotional.
21:59And there was no easy love stamp solution to fix that.
22:04I am totally digging this scene.
22:07It's so urban cowboy circa 1982.
22:10All the fabulous places in L.A. and we're at the Saddle Ranch Chop House.
22:14Hey, don't complain.
22:16It's the closest bar without a hill involved.
22:18You see, this is what I'm talking about.
22:19Look at her.
22:20She screams sex.
22:21It's so honest.
22:23I wish I could be more like that.
22:25Well, stop fucking complaining about it and just do something about it.
22:29Woo!
22:31Okay.
22:32Which mother lady's going to be next?
22:34I will!
22:36Over here!
22:38She will!
22:39Go girl!
22:41Yeah!
22:55Hold on!
23:00We weren't sure if it was the California climate or the five Lone Star beers she drank.
23:05But as soon as she got on that bowl, Miranda escaped.
23:08Miranda.
23:20Wow, I guess she really did need a vacation.
23:27And the next day, as I pulled up to the studio, I realized, I was the one who held the
23:32key to my escape.
23:34I could drive in and have someone tell me the mistakes I'd made in my past, or I could drive
23:39on and figure them out myself.
23:47So that's what I did.
23:48I mean, if I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?
24:03L.A., land of perpetual sun and perpetual sunbathing.
24:07Which also makes it land of the perpetual bikini wax.
24:12After a week in L.A., I made an appointment with the city's premier waxer to the stars, Alicia.
24:19She was known for her artful work, her lightning quick hands...
24:22That's great.
24:23Put feet ahead.
24:24...and her indecipherable accent.
24:26Excuse me?
24:31All done. Beautiful. You look.
24:38Oh!
24:39I got mugged. She took everything I got.
24:43It's called a Brazilian wax.
24:44Why didn't you tell her to stop?
24:45I tried. I feel like one of those freaking hairless dogs.
24:49It's an aesthetic thing. Everyone goes bare out here.
24:51Of course they do. L.A. men are too lazy to have to go searching for anything.
24:54Yeah, you can't hide your light under a bush.
24:56Well, she must have left something. A triangle? A little landing strip?
25:00No, I am totally bald. And why'd I add? Freezing.
25:04Oh, I would have killed her.
25:05I'm so aware of down there now.
25:07You know, I feel like I'm nothing but walking sex.
25:09Well, that's the thing about the Brazilian. It makes you do crazy things.
25:12You have to be very careful who you invite to Brazil.
25:15Well, I'm officially RSVP-ing. No.
25:17Hey, where are you going?
25:19I'm meeting Lou.
25:20Letterman Lou?
25:21He doesn't work for Letterman anymore.
25:22He moved down here to write that New York sitcom.
25:25You know the one about the three twenty-something kids who live in a loft?
25:27Oh, yeah. One's a feisty waitress.
25:29What are you and Lou gonna do?
25:31Uh, I'm sure we'll have a couple of drinks and bitch about L.A.
25:34I can't believe he lives out here now.
25:36Well, maybe you should tell him to move to Brazil. I hear it's quite popular.
25:39So you guys are on your own tonight?
25:40We're gonna go to that movie premiere thing.
25:42Oh, what's the movie?
25:43Oh, no one sees the movie. We're gonna use my press pass and get into the after party.
25:47I love L.A.
25:48You two should get out of the sun.
25:55Lou asked Miranda to meet him at The Flowing Tree.
25:58Surrounded by all these tan, fit, happy people,
26:02she knew she would recognize pale, chubby, unhappy Lou immediately.
26:07Miranda?
26:08Oh, my God!
26:12Do I look that different?
26:13Well, let's just say it's a good thing you still wear that hat.
26:16Oh, please. If you ever see me in a Lakers hat.
26:18I know. Shoot you.
26:19Exactly.
26:21You look amazing!
26:23Thanks.
26:24Wanna grab a drink?
26:25Oh, please.
26:26Yes, let's go.
26:27The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding.
26:29No, I mean, grab something here.
26:30This place is known for its green tea infusions.
26:33Please, infusions?
26:34Could L.A. be any worse?
26:36Take off that hat. I'm gonna shoot you right now.
26:40Actually, I really like it here.
26:42Hang on. What happened to the guy I used to share beers with?
26:45They make fun of happy people.
26:46I know, I know.
26:46The thing is, I think I'm one of those happy people now.
26:51Wow.
26:52I mean, good for you.
26:53I know it sounds crazy, but I think I was just supremely unhappy in New York.
26:57I mean, I came out here and I let a lot of that old, toxic anger go.
27:01I take things slowly, get outside.
27:04Ellie agrees with me.
27:06Miranda realized she was the one standing out in that room.
27:08She was the only angry New Yorker for miles.
27:11Hey.
27:12Let's go for a hike.
27:15Over there!
27:16Hey!
27:16Look over here!
27:17Look over here!
27:18Look over here!
27:19There's a smile right here!
27:21Thank you!
27:22Later that night, two very happy New Yorkers prepared to hike up their first L.A. red carpet.
27:29Hi, uh, Carrie Bradshaw was in your store.
27:32Excuse me.
27:32You on the list?
27:33Well, I'm press.
27:34Well, I'm a columnist.
27:35Here.
27:35That's me.
27:36Press room is to the left.
27:37Crinkle cut cheese and some fat inquire reporters?
27:40I don't think so.
27:40Well, let me see your passes from the movie.
27:42Oh, no one goes to the movie.
27:44Everyone goes to the movie.
27:46Could you please step off the red carpet?
27:48Do you know who she is?
27:49I know she's not on the list.
27:51Okay.
27:51Okay.
27:52Okay.
27:52Let's just go.
27:55I can't believe this is going to happen in New York.
27:57I don't know who you are.
27:58No one goes to the freaking movie.
27:59We're out of here.
28:00I'm getting the car to the ballet hall.
28:07There I was, a Hollywood nobody, cast off the red carpet and standing in my proper
28:12place on a grease-stained parking lot.
28:15We're talking circles here.
28:17That's right.
28:18We're talking circles.
28:19I understand.
28:20I know.
28:20I heard you.
28:21Okay.
28:22Sure.
28:24Yeah.
28:25But you tell her that when she's ready to deal, she can go ahead and call me herself.
28:28Okay?
28:28I'm not a function here.
28:31Please tell me that you have another one of those.
28:33Wow.
28:34And I thought I had a problem.
28:36Your wifey?
28:36Yep.
28:43Old tar.
28:43It's very nice.
28:44I thought they banned these here.
28:45I taped them to my body on a plane.
28:48New Yorker?
28:49Yep.
28:50I'm Keith Travers.
28:51Representing Matt Damon.
28:52Oh.
28:53Carrie Bradshaw.
28:54I'm representing myself.
28:55Actress.
28:56Oh.
28:57No, no, no, no.
28:58Writer.
28:58Too pretty to be a writer.
29:00And that's too cheesy a line for you to be a writer.
29:03It's going to take a fucking hour to get the car.
29:05Samantha Jones.
29:06Meet Keith Travers.
29:08He's representing Matt Damon.
29:10You ladies aren't going anywhere.
29:12You say so.
29:13You go inside?
29:15Enjoy our evening, huh?
29:16Once we got inside, our magic carpet ride really began.
29:20I can't believe that they wouldn't let someone like you in.
29:21That's a total disconnect.
29:22A disconnect?
29:23Yeah, excuse me.
29:24Yeah, disconnect.
29:25That's like, you know, a fuck up.
29:27Oh.
29:28A disconnect.
29:29Yeah.
29:30New writers are word Nazis, huh?
29:32I'm going to rhyme you with that.
29:34Uh, hey.
29:35Someone's ass is ringing and it ain't mine.
29:37But yours would if it could.
29:38It would ring if it could.
29:40Excuse me.
29:40I'll just give you one second.
29:41Okay?
29:41Enjoy yourself here in the house.
29:46That is one tall drink of water.
29:49Uh-huh.
29:56Samantha had worshipped Hugh Hefner ever since she was old enough to steal her father's playboys.
30:00To her, this wasn't a celebrity sighting.
30:03This was THE celebrity sighting.
30:05I'll be back.
30:11Hugh, hi.
30:13I'm Samantha Jones.
30:15Hello.
30:16I just wanted to tell you, I'm a huge fan.
30:18Well, in that case, join us for a drink.
30:20A drink?
30:20That'd be great.
30:21Oh, well, thank you.
30:24Seriously?
30:28Oh, drinking with free blondes, I guess that's just a regular day for you.
30:33A slower one, yes.
30:36Listen, I'm pretty crazed this week.
30:38If I do have a lunch opening on Wednesday, can I take you out?
30:42Link.
30:42Oh.
30:43Great table.
30:44I have been trying to get into Link for a week.
30:48This outsider was starting to like the view from the inside.
30:51Yeah, okay.
30:52Great.
30:52Sure.
30:53Great.
30:53Hey, Keith.
30:54Hey, how are you?
30:55There's a VIP room.
30:57You want to go to the VIP room?
30:59Yeah, I want to go to the VIP room.
31:00Okay, let's go.
31:01VIP room?
31:01VIP room.
31:02All right.
31:04Back home, Charlotte had never felt more inside.
31:06She had just attended her first black-tie doctor's benefit.
31:11Mmm.
31:15Damn, we make a fine-looking couple.
31:17Yes, we do.
31:21So, how did I do?
31:24Well, Mrs. McDougall, you did quite well.
31:26Well, thank you, Dr. McDougall.
31:29You know, doctor, I have an itch I was hoping you could help me out with.
31:40Trey, you know, maybe it's time when we really thought about some options, like Viagra.
31:46Viagra?
31:47Charlotte, are you aware that Viagra is a killer for men with heart problems?
31:52And let me remind you, my father died of a heart attack and it runs in my family.
31:57Trey wasn't the only one with heart problems.
31:59I'm just trying to help.
32:02Now I'm tense.
32:03I'm going for a run.
32:05It was the fifth time Trey had gone running at bedtime in the last two weeks.
32:10The next day, Samantha decided to get some exercise as well.
32:13Unfortunately, her pocketbook was getting most of the workout.
32:16Fendi, 150.
32:21And so she decided to give her old pocketbook a rest.
32:33That day, as Charlotte picked up my mail, she realized she missed a lot more than just her sex life.
32:38She missed her single life.
32:41And if Trey could run away from their problems, so could she.
32:48I can't deal with Trey.
32:50Okay, honey, call on to tell me that might have been a little more economical.
32:54And I just, I really miss you guys.
32:57Well, we miss you too.
33:01So Trey's, it's not working.
33:03And he refuses to even talk about it.
33:06Take it from the wheelie bag, you'll be staying?
33:09I really need a vacation.
33:10Well, you came to the right place.
33:12I gotta meet this Keith guy.
33:14Um, but Miranda and Samantha are down by the pool.
33:17Oh?
33:24Charlotte glanced down at the glistening pool and just like that, her marriage and Trey seemed very far away.
33:33Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith to see a house he was interested in.
33:41Jesus, this is not a house.
33:43This is an airport.
33:45It's Lorenzo Lamis's.
33:47He's asking 3.4, but it'll go 3.2.
33:49And there's a bargain.
33:50Yeah.
33:51Yes.
33:52Hey, I'm sorry.
33:53In New York, a first date is dinner and a movie.
33:56In L.A., it's lunch and seeing a 3.4 million dollar house.
34:00So what do you think?
34:01I think I should be working in syndicated television.
34:04It's good, right?
34:06It's really good.
34:08But does a single guy like you need this much space?
34:11Probably not.
34:13But come on, I mean, it looks good.
34:14And so did he.
34:24And there, in the South American's living room, my Brazilian made me kiss him.
34:31Wait till you see the hot tub.
34:36We should go check out the hot tub.
34:37Okie dokie.
34:41I'll have the egg white omelet with no cheese, like tomatoes and mushrooms.
34:45And instead of the fries, a side of fruit with no grapes.
34:49And a half decaf skim.
34:50Can I suggest that you get the mushrooms steamed?
34:53Because it lightens the calories but retains the flavor.
34:56Great, thanks.
34:58I really like L.A.
35:00Who wouldn't?
35:00Keith wants to buy a 3 million dollar house and I can't even afford new curtains.
35:03That's where the guys out here have New York men beat.
35:05Real estate.
35:07Lou may be the perfect guy.
35:09Letterman Lou?
35:10Yeah.
35:11He's an ideal combination of the two coasts.
35:13He's still a New Yorker at heart, but he's lost all his angry neuroses and 30 pounds.
35:18Wait a minute, we're New Yorkers. Aren't we supposed to like the neurotic guys?
35:22Oh honey, the Woody Allen thing is so over.
35:24I'm telling you, he's a changed man.
35:26He's really spiritual and happy. He met the Dalai Lama.
35:30So?
35:30I met Hugh Heffer.
35:31One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader.
35:34Maybe he's on to something, you know?
35:36Maybe it's time I stopped being so angry.
35:39Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time?
35:40I'll tell you what you could do.
35:44Shot.
35:45Jesus!
35:45No you didn't!
35:47That's like $3,000.
35:49Or $150.
35:51Fake.
35:51Oh my god, it looks so real.
35:54I know.
35:54Give me that!
35:55You'd never know it wasn't a real Fendi unless you looked inside at the lining.
35:58Yeah, I don't have that luxury. All my insides are on the outside now.
36:00I don't like fakes.
36:02Oh who cares? All that matters is what it looks like.
36:04It's pretty good. It's pretty good.
36:05We could go get more. I got the guy's card. He lives somewhere called The Valley.
36:10Could you have more condoms?
36:12I did, yes.
36:13I am just so happy to be out of that condom stage of life.
36:18And here I thought it was called my 30s.
36:19So nice to go to bed with the same man every night.
36:22Please tell me you didn't come to L.A. to regale us with stories about how much sex you're having
36:26now that you're married.
36:27Charlotte didn't have the nerve to tell them her conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss.
36:30So, what should I do first in L.A.?
36:34Well, the first thing you'll need is a good bikini wax.
36:38Hey, you should try Alicia.
36:45Ow!
36:49That night, after hours of stress-free pool time, I realized something startling.
36:54I was actually starting to like L.A.
36:58New Yorkers are trained to hate Los Angeles.
37:01This supposedly is a place where intellect is ridiculed and who you date and what you look like is revered.
37:06Yet here we were having the time of our lives.
37:09The men were happy.
37:10The homes were huge.
37:11The bags looked great.
37:12And maybe that was enough.
37:14The weather moves from west to east.
37:16Was it just a matter of time before the truth blew across Manhattan?
37:20When it comes to bags, men, and cities, is it really what's outside that counts?
37:26The next day, Samantha and I went to the valley for Fendi bags.
37:30This is it.
37:3145386.
37:32Is that an address or a zip code?
37:34I miss Lorenzo Lamas' neighborhood.
37:41Oh, my God.
37:42Oh, there he is.
37:45We had found it.
37:47Fake Fendi paradise.
37:50He should really work on his display area.
37:53Seven for a thousand.
37:54Huh?
37:54You like?
37:56I should have liked them.
37:57But staring into that trunk, they no longer look like elegant Fendi bags.
38:01They just look cheap.
38:02And even if everyone else thought it was real, I'd always know my bag came from a cardboard
38:07box in a trunk deep in the valley.
38:09You know what?
38:10I don't think so.
38:12You don't want a bag now?
38:13I'm sorry.
38:14They're very nice.
38:15It's just...
38:15Please.
38:16Don't smoke near the bags, huh?
38:20We drove for two hours in the valley.
38:25That's it.
38:25I'm going back to the hotel.
38:28They just look so sad staring up at me from that trunk.
38:32They were waiting for some nice lady to adopt them.
38:35I was almost eaten by dogs.
38:36The least you could have done was buy a bag.
38:38Well, I guess I'd rather wait for the real thing.
38:39Then at least, you know, it's one of a kind and special or something.
38:45My marriage is a fake Fendi.
38:47Excuse me?
38:48Trey and I look like the perfect couple from the outside, but on the inside, it's all fake.
38:54It's not special.
38:55So?
38:55He can't even get it up.
38:57What?
38:58I've never had sex.
39:00You've never had sex?
39:01But you've been married for over a month.
39:03You've never had sex?
39:04It's not a physical thing.
39:05It's emotional.
39:07You knew about this?
39:08She told me at the wedding.
39:11Well, I was afraid you'd just say you told me so and then I should never have gotten married
39:15so quickly.
39:17Charlotte, who am I to judge you?
39:19We all have our own paths in life.
39:21Apparently, three days with Lou had changed Miranda from deeply sarcastic to Deepak Chopra.
39:28What am I gonna do?
39:30Wait, you've never had sex?
39:32She's never had sex.
39:33It's only been a month.
39:34Hey, he hasn't seen Brazil.
39:37A second honeymoon to South America.
39:39That might do the trick.
39:41I know how to cheer you up.
39:42A trip to the Playboy Mansion.
39:44Hef invited us over for one of those Playmate pool parties tomorrow afternoon.
39:48Hef?
39:49Did you say Hef?
39:50Why would that cheer her up?
39:51Does she look like a 22-year-old frat boy?
39:53No, but it wouldn't hurt for us to meet some.
39:56Sorry, not going.
39:57Oh, come on.
39:58It would be fun.
39:59We're in LA.
40:01All right, fine, but I better be on the guest list.
40:04Later that night, I was a guest at Keith's amazing house.
40:07He made sizzling scallops and after dinner, things got even hotter.
40:11I like hot tubs.
40:13New York should have more hot tubs like on roofs and stuff.
40:17Well, if you like that.
40:44While I was going native with Keith,
40:47Miranda and Lou went back to New York.
40:49Or at least to the New York strip stake.
40:51Oh, this looks great.
40:52Oh my God, do I miss the smell.
40:54See what we're saying?
40:56You should really read Zen in the art of modern living.
40:58It is so calming.
40:59I'm still trying to get used to bath beings.
41:02You are so New York.
41:03Come on.
41:04Don't you miss it?
41:05Just a little?
41:07No.
41:07I get to write about it every day.
41:09But it's not New York.
41:10It's a sound stage.
41:11Twenty-somethings with tiny salaries don't live in huge Soho lofts painted bright colors.
41:15This is totally fake.
41:16I think forty million viewers would disagree with you on that.
41:26Is something wrong with your steak?
41:27No.
41:28Uh-uh.
41:28It's great.
41:40What are you doing?
41:41I'm telling you.
41:44Do you think I look this good by eating?
41:47Miranda realized Lou hadn't found inner peace.
41:49He'd found an eating disorder.
41:51Are you serious?
41:52Miranda, don't put your toxic shit on me.
41:54This is fucking L.A., okay?
41:56You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under here.
41:57Who cares what you look like?
41:59You're a writer.
42:00For a hit show.
42:01Trust me.
42:02No one wants to hire a fat story editor.
42:03All Miranda wanted to do was rip that Nick's hat off his head.
42:06Because no self-respecting New Yorker would ever spit out that good a steak.
42:10Jesus fucking Christ.
42:12Now I've lost my appetite.
42:16Waking up in Keith's sun-filled bedroom, I was starting to feel like 3.4 million myself.
42:20I really like what you have going on down there.
42:23That would be a whole lot of nothing.
42:25Yeah.
42:27Don't you ever work?
42:28I don't have anything to love it.
42:30Nice life.
42:34What the fuck do you think you're doing?
42:37I told you, no prostitutes when you're house-sitting.
42:41You're a house-sitter?
42:43Personal assistant.
42:44Personal assistant.
42:45They thought you were an agent.
42:46Please, I wish I could get my agent to water my plants.
42:49Apparently, the life I was coveting wasn't Keith's.
42:52It was Carrie Fisher's.
42:53You are so fired.
42:54Wait till I tell Penny.
42:55Does this mean that I'm going to have to return her car?
42:57And Penny Marshall's.
42:58I'm just...
42:59I'm gonna...
43:01You might need these.
43:04Are you going to bring prostitutes to Ben's new $3 million home?
43:08I'm Ben Affleck's.
43:09You know, I'm not a prostitute.
43:11I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
43:13I'm a writer, too.
43:14Well, actually, I'm...
43:15Well, I have a column in New York.
43:18I'm Carrie.
43:19You're Carrie.
43:20I write.
43:20You write.
43:22I have a child.
43:23You know, I really...
43:24I can't do this.
43:26Have you guys been smoking in a year?
43:31Um...
43:34This was always on.
43:37The dry cleaning and the cat food, that's all done.
43:41It was the perfect ending to my week of make-believe.
43:44A visit to the Playboy Mansion and the Playmate pool party.
43:49Okay, could our lives get any weirder?
43:51Nothing surprises me anymore.
43:53Apparently in L.A., house-sitters are somebodies and New York writers are prostitutes.
43:57Oh, sweetie.
43:57You're at least a high-class escort.
44:00Well, Carrie Fisher.
44:01Oh, now we're angry again?
44:02Oh, yeah.
44:03Well, frankly, I blame the wax.
44:04That's it.
44:05Blame it on Ria.
44:06I like to dream.
44:09After the sun went down, the party really started heating up.
44:13Where are the girls in the satin outfits and the bunny ears?
44:15Yeah, I'm gonna see some bunny ears.
44:22Meanwhile, somewhere between the Italian grotto and the petting zoo, Charlotte found something
44:27real.
44:27Well, his name was Ian.
44:29And that's when I started collecting Hockney.
44:30I love Hockney.
44:32Oh, the colors in his pool series are so L.A., the blues and those deep, deep greens.
44:38Oh, God.
44:39It is such a pleasure talking to an intelligent woman for once.
44:43And I love talking to you, too.
44:45It's so nice to be with a man who talks.
44:48I love L.A.
44:50I guess that third welcome wagon drink is finally coming.
44:55This is bad of me.
44:56Is this bad of me?
44:58I mean, I'm drunk and I'm laying here with a man I hardly know.
45:01It's the Playboy Mansion.
45:02I mean, things could be a lot worse.
45:05You're nice, Ian.
45:07You're really, really nice.
45:09And you're nice, too, Charlotte.
45:12Hey, let me buy you some blues.
45:15Pardon me?
45:16What?
45:17It's a gift.
45:18I don't need any breasts.
45:21Charlotte had forgotten how awful single life could be.
45:24And suddenly, marriage, with all its problems, wasn't looking so bad.
45:32Someone stole my fake Wendy.
45:34Are you sure?
45:34I put the bag down beside me.
45:35When I got up, it was gone.
45:38Oh, my God.
45:39That bunny's got my bag.
45:47All right, give me my bag.
45:48Excuse me.
45:49You stole my bag.
45:50This is my bag.
45:51Are we having a problem here?
45:53Yes.
45:53I'm sorry to tell you this, but this bunny stole my bag.
45:56It's my bag.
45:58She says it's her bag.
46:00Look on the inside.
46:00You'll see there's a label that says, made in China, and there's a bunch of condoms in there.
46:07C. Fendi.
46:09Samantha was mortified.
46:11She assumed everything on the bunny was fake.
46:15Okay, then.
46:17Innocent mistake.
46:19Apparently, one nod from Hef, and the pool party was over.
46:22I'm not leaving without my friends.
46:24I'm so sorry.
46:27The fake Fendi ended up costing $150 for the bag, $2,000 in stolen credit card charges,
46:33and unspecified costs to Samantha's ego.
46:38And across the compound, Miranda and I took a wrong turn on the way to the buffet.
46:49Look at that.
46:50Tid soup.
46:53It's time to go home.
46:55There you are.
46:57We have to leave.
46:58We are.
46:59Right now.
47:01Relax.
47:01We're going.
47:02We're going.
47:03What'd she do?
47:07What happened?
47:08Oh.
47:10Ow.
47:11Ow.
47:11Ow.
47:11Ow.
47:11Ow.
47:12Ow.
47:12The next day, four New Yorkers left LA a little lighter.
47:16Some of us had lost our hair, and all of us had lost a little dignity.
47:20Samantha couldn't wait to get back to the crime-free streets of Manhattan.
47:23Miranda couldn't wait to get back to men who swallowed.
47:26Charlotte couldn't wait to get back to Trey.
47:28And as for me, I couldn't wait.
47:31You can't smoke in here.
47:32Oh, relax.
47:32We're going.
47:33We're going.
47:43Six hours later, I was home.
47:45And it looked even better on the inside than I remembered it.
47:49Because inside, it was all real.
47:56I was starting to feel like myself again.
48:01And the rest of me would grow back, eventually.