- 2 days ago
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00:09One of the unfortunate things about ending a relationship in an expensive city like New York is,
00:13while you can't emotionally move away from each other,
00:17you physically can't.
00:27Hey, going to work?
00:30Yeah, work. Sorry about waking you.
00:33What time is it?
00:356.30.
00:36Geez, why so early?
00:38I got a brief due, so...
00:40There was nothing brief about it.
00:42Steve and Miranda had been doing the polite avoid-each-other breakup dance for about three weeks.
00:47Hey, I'm sorry it's taking me so long to find a place.
00:52I got a lead on one, though.
00:53Okay.
00:55Hey, do you...
00:58Never mind.
00:59What?
01:00No, I was going to ask if you wanted to go and look at it with me, but that's weird,
01:04right?
01:05I don't know. I guess we could do that.
01:08Yeah.
01:13And when you finally do find that place to move, you need to fill it with furniture.
01:17That's why so many smart New Yorkers frequent the opening day of the New Designers Showcase.
01:24Hey, I'm like your roadie.
01:27Oh, I don't have a road. I just have this booth. So, at best, you're my booth bitch.
01:31Yeah, I'm your booth bitch.
01:33Yeah.
01:34I wax your wood.
01:36You wax it real good.
01:38That's because I'm your booth bitch.
01:42Do you like that one?
01:44Oh, yeah.
01:44You watch the booth. I want to go get us some coffee.
01:48Whatever you say, I'm your booth bitch.
01:51Oh, that's sexy. And I like it.
01:55I didn't need to wait for a blue ribbon panel to decide.
01:58He was the finest new designer in the whole damn place.
02:08I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife.
02:11But in those fantasies, I was running into them with a truck.
02:15I don't know how you could like this clunky wood. It's almost oppressive.
02:23What the fuck?
02:25Hey.
02:26Hi.
02:28Hi.
02:29I'm working here.
02:30Well, I mean, I'm not working.
02:32This is my boyfriend's booth.
02:35I'm his booth bitch.
02:37That's a joke.
02:39I guess it's a joke.
02:41I get it.
02:42So, can I, um, show you something in a touch?
02:47These pieces are fantastic.
02:48It's just not really our style.
02:51Oh.
02:51Yeah, we only like teeny tiny furniture.
02:56Hey.
02:57Oh, hey.
02:59Hey.
02:59Hey.
03:00Oh.
03:01Hey.
03:02This is, um...
03:03This is the designer.
03:03This is Dave and Shaw.
03:05Hey.
03:06Great stuff.
03:07Oh.
03:08Thanks, man.
03:10Oh.
03:11Actually, it's mostly maple.
03:12There we were.
03:13Mostly maple and incredibly uncomfortable.
03:16Sorry.
03:17I didn't get your names.
03:18Oh.
03:18Oh, no.
03:18I'm sorry.
03:19Um, these are my friends.
03:22This is, uh, Natasha.
03:23And this is...
03:24Oh.
03:25Oh.
03:25Oh.
03:26Shit.
03:26Oh, my God.
03:27I'm sorry.
03:27Is that hot?
03:28Well, it ain't cold.
03:30Here.
03:31No, I'll...
03:32Oh.
03:32No, no, no.
03:33We should put some cold water on this.
03:35It was nice meeting you.
03:37Yeah.
03:38Thanks for the coffee.
03:41They seem nice.
03:42Yeah, don't they?
03:43Where do you know them from?
03:45Oh.
03:46No, you know, from around...
03:48Like a hundred years ago.
03:51It's a past life.
03:56Two hours later,
03:58it was time for the opening day party.
04:00It was lovely.
04:01Caviar, silent auctions,
04:03and landmines.
04:05Where's Paul Bunyan?
04:07If you're referring to my boyfriend,
04:09he's doing business.
04:11Ooh, he's a big one.
04:13Where do you learn a little like that?
04:15How many drinks have you had?
04:17Not nearly enough.
04:27So,
04:29how are you?
04:30I'm great.
04:32Daniel Boone, is he a nice guy?
04:35His name is Aiden.
04:39Where's your sense of humor?
04:40Where's your wife?
04:42Guarding her bid on the silent auction.
04:44She's got her eye on a beige chair.
04:47Everything in my apartment is now beige.
04:50Beige.
04:50It's bullshit.
04:52I thought you wanted beige.
04:54Yeah.
04:54Well, it doesn't quite.
04:57Bit.
04:58Have you got a smoke?
04:59I quit.
05:01Oh, we always used to share a cigarette together.
05:03We did a lot of things that were bad for me together.
05:06I have a secret to tell you.
05:11It's not working.
05:14I'm getting out.
05:17If you know anyone who's interested.
05:20You should really keep that to yourself.
05:21No one is interested in that information.
05:32Big's leaving his wife.
05:34Oh, my God!
05:35He got drunk and told me at the furniture show.
05:36What was he doing at the furniture show?
05:38Drinking and leaving his wife.
05:39Oh, my God!
05:40Well, let's just say it.
05:41You won.
05:42Was there a contest?
05:43Oh, please!
05:43There's always a contest with an ex.
05:45It's called,
05:45Who Will Die Miserable?
05:46What did he say?
05:47He said,
05:48It's not working out.
05:49And then he leaned in and said,
05:52If you know anyone who's interested.
05:54Well,
05:55You don't know anyone who's interested.
05:57He's married.
05:57Carrie, Carrie, he's married.
05:58Charlotte, I think I'm aware of that fact.
06:00Why is he telling you?
06:01I don't know.
06:01To save postage on his newsletter.
06:03What are you going to do?
06:04I'm not going to do anything.
06:05She's not going to do anything.
06:07Okay, you need to take a big breath
06:08because you're starting to bug me.
06:08How dare he say that to you?
06:10Married men never leave their wives.
06:11Even if he did,
06:12I have no intention of doing anything for two reasons.
06:15First, I have a great boyfriend.
06:16And second,
06:16I'm not insane.
06:18So let's order.
06:19What do Winners order?
06:21Didn't you feel like punching him?
06:23No.
06:24He was too sad or something.
06:26I would have punched him.
06:27No, it is sad.
06:29How long has he been married?
06:30What, seven months?
06:31The seven month itch.
06:33Well,
06:33that's what happens when people jump into relationships too quickly.
06:37I resent that.
06:39Trey and I are nothing like Big and Natasha.
06:42Don't listen to her.
06:43She's mid-breakup.
06:44Thanks for the update.
06:44We're not like Big.
06:46Trey and I really love each other.
06:47Who wants to split a Reuben?
06:48In fact,
06:49I'm meeting his mother this week
06:51and if all goes well...
06:54If all goes well?
06:55What?
06:55Trey is this close to proposing.
06:57I can feel it.
06:58Oh my God, really?
06:59You just met.
07:00I've had pairs of pantyhose longer.
07:02Miranda, it's not logical.
07:04This is love.
07:05It's not logical.
07:06It's right.
07:07In my heart,
07:08I feel it's right.
07:09Okay.
07:10Whatever.
07:13So,
07:15how did you look?
07:24Okay.
07:25I'll take it.
07:27As Miranda looked around the basement apartment,
07:29she realized the contest was over.
07:31Steve was the ex that was going to die alone and miserable.
07:34You can't live here.
07:36What?
07:38It's not that bad.
07:39It's not that bad.
07:40It's the doorway to hell.
07:42There's gotta be a better place.
07:43I'll help you look.
07:45Guilt?
07:46Probably.
07:47I mean,
07:48I broke up with him,
07:50and he's got no money,
07:51no savings,
07:52no nothing.
07:53There should be some sort of city-funded breakup housing
07:56for those who find themselves in need.
07:57Really?
07:58Like, a big orphanage filled with white beds
08:01where old boyfriends could think about what they did wrong
08:03and cry themselves to sleep in a clean, safe environment.
08:08You think maybe you don't really want him to move away?
08:11No, it's not that simple.
08:12My head tells me it's time for him to leave,
08:15but the idea of him moving to a basement apartment
08:17on the corner of Depressing and West Shit Street
08:19breaks my heart.
08:21It's a pretty common belief that women tend to use
08:24the left, more emotional side of their brain,
08:26and men, the right, more logical side.
08:28But is it really that cut and dry?
08:30It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart,
08:33there's a battle between what we know and what we feel.
08:36So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation
08:38that leaps back and forth between the left and the right side?
08:40When it comes to relationships,
08:42is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?
08:46This is Trey the summer he graduated from medical school.
08:49Later that week,
08:50Charlotte met the head and heart of Trey's family,
08:52his mother, Bunny McDougal.
08:54Trey, you look so cute in a cap and gown.
08:57It's just before we jumped in the fountain
08:59and all the hell broke loose.
09:00Oh!
09:01Cat, mother, what's next?
09:02Boy Scout snaps?
09:03Count your blessings,
09:04I didn't bring the one on the bearskin rug.
09:06You'll have to excuse her, Charlotte.
09:08She's a bit of a camera Nazi.
09:10Well, if you insist on dragging us down memory lane,
09:13I'm getting a real drink.
09:14Excuse me.
09:15Glenlivet, Rox.
09:16Yes, sir.
09:17Maybe you should have a red wine instead.
09:20Better for the heart.
09:22All righty.
09:22Red wine.
09:23Oh, Thomas, we'd love some more of these nibbly cheese things.
09:27Very good, ma'am.
09:29He's older than water, but never forgets a martini.
09:35So, do you play tennis?
09:37Mm-hmm.
09:38I like her.
09:40Join the club.
09:41What are you two lovebirds doing tonight?
09:44I've got dinner reservations at cloche.
09:46I was there last week, disappointing crab, and the host was rude.
09:53Maybe you should go to Cote Basque instead.
09:56All righty.
09:58Charlotte was impressed with Bunny's technique.
10:00Trey had been looking forward to cloche all week.
10:03Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha was entertaining Adam Ball,
10:07a film editor who made a very lucrative living cutting the coming attractions for film companies.
10:12I'm coming.
10:14I'm coming.
10:19Oh, man.
10:21Oh, you give good head.
10:27I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk.
10:37And she's never coming back.
10:39Well, I'm sorry, but who else can I talk to about this?
10:42Might I suggest no one?
10:43You're my girlfriends.
10:44Help me.
10:45Have you ever had this problem?
10:46Not really, but I have to admit it's never exactly been a trip to Baskin Robbins.
10:51Well, this guy is very sour.
10:52Like, asparagus gone bad or something.
10:55Can I cancel my rice pudding?
10:56Thanks.
10:57Beautiful guy.
10:58Great in bed.
10:59It's so disappointing.
11:00It's like getting a bad bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau the first day of season.
11:03It has a lot to do with nutrition.
11:05I once dated a smoker and it affected how his tasted.
11:07They should put that on the side of the pack if they want to cut back sales.
11:10Maybe there's something he could eat to make it sweeter.
11:13Maybe you should write to Martha Stewart.
11:15Dear Martha.
11:15Funky Spunk.
11:16Help.
11:17Dear Funky Spunk.
11:19Try a hint of mint.
11:21No, no, no.
11:21It's not just asparagus.
11:22It's asparagus and something else.
11:24I know.
11:25Clorox.
11:26Well, at least you'll get your whites whiter.
11:28This is serious.
11:28I almost gagged.
11:29Oh, that is serious.
11:30What am I going to do?
11:31Just don't give him head again.
11:33Hmm.
11:34I never even thought of that.
11:35So what?
11:36Casual head is back now?
11:37Oh, it's fine.
11:38He's healthy and I don't swallow.
11:40Well, as long as you and the Center for Disease Control are fine with it.
11:43Of course, he just loves getting head.
11:44But then what man doesn't?
11:46You know, if the whole cum situation were reversed,
11:48do you think that men would even get anywhere near the stuff?
11:50Well, maybe.
11:51If it tasted like beer.
11:55Later that day, Miranda came home to something that was even harder to swallow.
11:59You have one new message.
12:02Hi.
12:03Is this Steve's number?
12:05This is Myra.
12:06We met last night.
12:07I'm the advertising exec who ordered the Amstel Light.
12:10Steve, if this is you, call me.
12:12I'd love to go to a movie sometime.
12:15Today, 1222 PM.
12:19And on an answering machine across town...
12:23You have one new message.
12:26Hi, it's me.
12:29I need to talk to you about what I said the other day.
12:31It's important.
12:32Please call.
12:32You know my cell number.
12:34The right side of my brain told me the right thing was to delete it.
12:37But I left it.
12:39It's important.
12:39Please call.
12:40You know my cell number.
12:41Seven playbacks later, I invited over an impartial judge.
12:44Well, you should have punched him.
12:46He wants to get back together, right?
12:47I mean, that's the tone.
12:48The high and then it's important.
12:50Is that what that means?
12:51Carrie, we could analyze this for years and never know.
12:54I mean, they still don't know who killed Kennedy.
12:55Well, what should I do?
12:58Well, it's pretty obvious what you want to do
13:00or you wouldn't still be listening to this message.
13:01And by the way, what happened to the not insane part of you?
13:05I don't know.
13:06After the fifth playback, he got in a little.
13:09God, I hate my machine.
13:11I know.
13:12I hate mine too.
13:14Steve got a message from some girl executive
13:16desperate for him to go to a movie.
13:18Already?
13:19He's still on your couch.
13:20I know.
13:21It's amazing.
13:22A 34-year-old guy with no money and no place to live
13:24because he's single, he's a catch.
13:26But a 34-year-old woman with a job and a great home
13:29because she's single is considered tragic.
13:31So depressing.
13:34Let's listen to that message again.
13:36I'm deleting it.
13:38But it wasn't that simple.
13:39As soon as Miranda left, I stood and watched my emotions
13:42overrule both sides of my brain.
13:46Hello?
13:47It's Carrie.
13:48Oh, hey.
13:49Yeah, thanks for calling.
13:51Look, it's about what I said about getting out of my marriage.
13:54I didn't know why I called.
13:55I didn't even know what I really wanted.
13:56But suddenly, my heart was racing.
13:59I thought about it.
14:02And it's going to cost me a lot.
14:04So maybe you should forget about what I said.
14:07I mean, I figure I made my bed.
14:09I should lie in it.
14:11You do that.
14:13It was just what I needed.
14:15A big shock treatment to jolt me right back to sanity.
14:21You have cracks.
14:23Excuse me?
14:25The ceiling.
14:29How long have they been there?
14:31Just three years.
14:33Oh, just three years?
14:36Don't take this the wrong way, but this place could use a little work.
14:40I know, but I can't afford it.
14:42You got 8,000 bucks worth of shoes over there.
14:44I needed those.
14:48You could do little things.
14:49Plaster, strip the floors.
14:51You have no idea how beautiful it would be if we took it down a level.
14:56I don't know how to do that stuff.
14:59I do.
15:00Let me strip your floors.
15:02Isn't that a lot of work?
15:04Nah.
15:05Just take a day.
15:05You won't even know I'm here.
15:07Sure?
15:08Really?
15:09A special lady needs a special home.
15:16Here in my arms was a guy who wanted to make my home better.
15:19And somewhere out there was a guy who wanted to pull it apart.
15:22It wasn't a left or right brainer.
15:24It was a no brainer.
15:26Tell me why we're here again.
15:28I'm making an effort to eat better.
15:29After a quick browse on the HealthySperm.com webpage, Samantha invited Adam Ball to dinner.
15:36Okay.
15:37Here are your wheatgrass shots.
15:40And I'll be right back with menus.
15:48I can't drink that.
15:49Try it.
15:50It's very good for you.
15:53Bottoms up.
16:09Oh man, that shit is funky.
16:11Samantha had to fight every urge she had not to tell Adam Ball he didn't know from funky.
16:16How long does it take for the wheatgrass to work its way into your system?
16:21Hard to say.
16:22Ballpark.
16:24An hour and a half.
16:29Two wheatgrass shots and a ginger melon smoothie later.
16:32I'm coming.
16:33I'm coming.
16:35I'm coming.
16:36Oh man, man, man.
16:39You give good head.
16:51What?
16:51You don't like your salad?
16:53No.
16:53The dressing's a tad something.
16:56Excuse me.
16:56Yes, sir.
16:57I'd like to change this for the arugula and olive, please.
16:59Certainly.
17:00Maybe you should try the tomato basil.
17:02It's sweeter.
17:04Alrighty.
17:09I have to say, Mom is quite taken with you.
17:11She is?
17:13Why wouldn't she be?
17:14You're exquisite.
17:17You really are a dream come true.
17:19Charlotte knew this was the moment.
17:20That magic moment where Trey was going to ask her to be his wife.
17:26Charlotte.
17:27Yes?
17:30Tomato and basil?
17:32Yes.
17:36Enjoy.
17:37Doesn't this look like a little plate of heaven?
17:40Oh, this basil is perfection.
17:44What is it about you, Charlotte?
17:46You always seem to know just what I want.
17:51Maybe we should get married.
17:53Alrighty.
18:01I'm engaged.
18:02Oh, my God.
18:03Really?
18:04Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie.
18:06I proposed to myself.
18:08What?
18:09Yes.
18:10I suggested you have a tomato salad.
18:12Then I suggested we get married.
18:14Wait.
18:15What exactly did he say?
18:17Alrighty.
18:19Alrighty?
18:20He said, alrighty?
18:22Now, I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed.
18:24It's that you proposed to a guy who says alrighty.
18:26Oh, Carrie, stop.
18:28Alrighty.
18:28I was the one who was supposed to say yes.
18:31Oh, who cares about those stupid rules?
18:33I do.
18:34Look, you're overreacting.
18:36You love Trey, right?
18:38And you want to marry him, right?
18:40Yes, but...
18:42There was no kneeling.
18:44There was no ring.
18:45No nothing.
18:46This is an awful engagement story.
18:49What am I supposed to tell my kids?
18:51Well, Mommy really wanted to get married,
18:53so Daddy said, alrighty.
18:55It's so unromantic.
18:58Oh.
19:10Steve!
19:11The dog!
19:19Steve!
19:21It's 4 a.m.
19:27Miranda realized he was with the girl executive.
19:30It was officially over.
19:32She finally got it into her head.
19:38Hey.
19:47Morning.
19:48Morning.
19:49I took the dog out already.
19:51Thanks.
19:52I was...
19:52There's coffee and I circled a bunch of apartments in the village voice that sound good.
19:57I should probably get out of here today.
20:00Thanks for letting me sleep on your couch.
20:02You're welcome.
20:14I think we did pretty good.
20:17We did as pride.
20:21Steve...
20:22Never mind.
20:24Life.
20:26I was gonna say keep in touch, but that's weird, right?
20:29That would be weird.
20:31I guess we could do that.
20:32Look at the theme!
20:55You got it!
21:01Don't funny!
21:02Get out of here!
21:04Aiden!
21:07I said I wouldn't be bothered.
21:09I'm bothered.
21:11It's too loud?
21:12Yeah, and I can't work through that.
21:13I've got a deadline.
21:15Take my keys.
21:15Go to my house.
21:16No, no, no.
21:16I can't write there because Pete's jumping all over me.
21:19He's deleting things.
21:21You know what?
21:21I'm leaving.
21:22If anyone calls, I'll be at the Stanhope Hotel around the corner.
21:24At least let me pay for it.
21:25No, no, no.
21:26I got it.
21:26I got it.
21:28See, this is why I don't do home repairs.
21:31Unforeseen costs.
21:32You're going to love these floors?
21:34Mom was beside herself.
21:36She immediately demanded your address so she could send flowers.
21:39That's nice.
21:40Charlotte had done the impossible in New York.
21:42She was engaged to her heart's desire.
21:44Unfortunately, she couldn't get the way it happened out of her head.
21:54Maybe we should go in there and find you the most beautiful ring that they have.
21:59All right.
22:01From that moment on, Charlotte would tell everyone that right in front of Tiffany's, out of nowhere, Trey popped the
22:08question.
22:09And she said, all righty.
22:25I'm not really in the mood for that tonight.
22:27Oh, come on, baby.
22:28You get the greatest head.
22:29Uh-uh.
22:30Not going to happen.
22:32Well, that's the problem.
22:36Well, Adam, you've got some funky-tasting spunk.
22:41What?
22:42You heard me.
22:43Your spunk is funky.
22:45My spunk?
22:46Cum, spooge, jizz, joy juice, funky.
22:50Man, I have heard some far-out excuses for not giving head, but this one takes the cake.
22:53Excuse me?
22:55You're one of them two blowjob chicks.
22:57You put blowjobs in the coming attractions that I'm never going to see in the actual movie.
23:01I've reset that.
23:02I love giving head.
23:03Well, then come on, give me a little BJ.
23:05Up and down a couple of times, you're done.
23:07It's easy.
23:08Easy?
23:09You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there.
23:12Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex.
23:15And all the while, bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses.
23:19Easy?
23:19Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.
23:25Now, having said all that, with the right man, it can be fabulous.
23:30That is, unless the man in question has spunk that's like a trip to the rotten egg buffet.
23:36Come on, it can't be that bad.
23:41I'll make a deal with you.
23:44You try it.
23:46If you're fine with it, I'll be fine with it.
23:50I can't do that.
23:52It's gay.
23:53It's not gay if it's you.
23:56Take it or leave it.
23:59Ten minutes later, Samantha learned just how far a man would go for a blowjob.
24:05I'm fine with it.
24:11Samantha kept her word.
24:13She gave him head, but her heart wasn't in it.
24:24Hello?
24:25It's me.
24:26I'm in the lobby.
24:27How did you know I was here?
24:29That guy at your plate.
24:30You called my house again?
24:32I have to talk to you.
24:33Yeah, I have to talk to you, too.
24:34Stay in the lobby.
24:35I'll be right down.
24:41Come on.
24:51This is not the lobby.
24:52Sit down, have a drink.
24:54What are you doing?
24:54You're calling my house?
24:55You're following me to hotels?
24:57Could you please sit down for one minute and listen to me?
25:00Please, one minute.
25:05You know, I don't have time for this.
25:06I have a boyfriend and a deadline, and you have a wife and apparently a drinking problem.
25:10I'm not drunk.
25:10Then what is your excuse?
25:12Slow down.
25:12I can't think.
25:19I was an asshole to you on the phone the other day.
25:21Yes.
25:22When I said I was leaving, you didn't say anything, so I got nervous.
25:26So I...
25:26So what?
25:28So...
25:30I don't know.
25:31You know, this has to stop this.
25:32The flirting and the jerking me around and the calling my boyfriend.
25:36He doesn't know about you, and I don't want him to ever know about you.
25:39Why is that?
25:41Why is that?
25:51Why is that?
25:51Carrie, wait!
25:52Wait!
25:53I haven't displayed this.
25:55Now, wait a minute.
25:56Listen.
25:57The thing is...
25:58Fuck!
25:59I miss you.
26:00Too bad.
26:02You do not come in here.
26:03Don't you follow me in here!
26:04I have to talk to you.
26:05What?
26:06What is it?
26:06What is it you have to say?
26:08I made a mistake.
26:12Fuck you.
26:14I love you.
26:17You.
26:22My mind was yelling how angry I was.
26:25But my heart.
26:27My heart.
26:28Oh, fuck me.
26:47And just like that, I lost my head.
27:00One of the best things about being in a great relationship
27:02is feeling comfortable enough to leave it for an evening.
27:08What exactly do you gals do when we get together?
27:11Oh, the usual stuff.
27:13Braid each other's hair.
27:15Crank calls.
27:16Oh, and that Wiccan stuff that's big now.
27:18You don't talk about the boys?
27:20Well, I can't lie.
27:22Sometimes there is talk in the boys.
27:24Men's greatest fear.
27:25I thought it was a hair loss.
27:27No problem here.
27:28Yeah, I can tell.
27:30Feel free to pass that on to the gals.
27:32I'll try to work that in a conversation.
27:36Goodbye.
27:38Goodbye.
27:39Goodbye.
27:39Goodbye.
27:43E.B. White once said that no one should come to New York unless they are very lucky.
27:48I was.
27:48I had an amazing boyfriend who had all his hair, good friends to talk about him with,
28:00and a married ex-boyfriend I had slept with a week ago.
28:07May I just say, wow.
28:10What can I say?
28:11I've arrived!
28:12Samantha had invited us over to celebrate her new downtown apartment, three new uptown
28:16clients, and her general fabulousness.
28:18And who knew all of this existed in the meatpacking district?
28:21Yes, just yards away from dumpsters full of decaying cow.
28:24Homemade baby keys?
28:26You made these?
28:27Oh, hell no.
28:28I had them delivered.
28:29Along with a dinner, the wine, and a DVD of an affair to remember that we're watching
28:33later drunk.
28:34You can get DVDs delivered?
28:35I use this hot new home delivery service.
28:37You call them?
28:38Anything you want.
28:39They bring you within an hour.
28:40Anything?
28:41Mm.
28:42Last night I ordered condoms.
28:43Please tell me you didn't fuck the delivery guy.
28:46No, John, the hot guy from the gym.
28:47And let me just say that the condoms came a lot faster than he did.
28:51Now there's an edge, Logan.
28:52Oh, ladies, let's just say it.
28:54We have it all.
28:55Great apartments, great jobs, great friends, great sex.
28:58We can have our baby keys delivered and eat it, too.
29:01Exactly.
29:01At my age, my mother was saddled with three kids and a drunk husband.
29:05You just have three drunk friends.
29:06My choice.
29:08Well, I think that having it all really means having someone special to share it with.
29:12Oh, please.
29:13That's so barney.
29:14Well, I'm sorry.
29:15My life wasn't really complete until I met Trey.
29:18And Trey's mom is so great.
29:21Wait till you all meet her at this engagement party she's throwing for us.
29:24You will come.
29:25You see it's Manhattan's?
29:27We have it all!
29:28Fuck you!
29:30You wish!
29:34Carrie, go home.
29:35I can take care of this.
29:36Three hours later, Deborah Kerr had revealed her awful secret to Cary Grant, and I'd still
29:42told no one mine.
29:44I slept with Big last week.
29:46You're having an affair?
29:48No.
29:48No.
29:49No affair.
29:50Just one night, and it is not happening again.
29:54Okay.
29:56Please don't tell Charlotte or Miranda.
29:58Okay.
30:01I'm awful.
30:03I'm awful.
30:04I have this great boyfriend.
30:06I don't know what I was doing.
30:08Nothing men haven't been doing for centuries.
30:11Was it good?
30:16It was great.
30:17It's not happening again.
30:19Got it.
30:21Plates.
30:26How could it feel so good when it's so bad?
30:29Oh, honey, they designed it that way.
30:32It's like Big and I, we have this thing.
30:36All about the pheromones.
30:37We're all just animals reacting to each other's smell.
30:39But I have this non-married, wonderful boyfriend with all his hair waiting for me who smells great.
30:45Don't beat yourself up.
30:46Aiden hasn't said I love you yet.
30:47Until he does, you're a free agent.
30:49What is that, the rules according to Samantha?
30:51See?
30:52I'm more old-fashioned than you think.
30:53I don't want to be a free agent.
30:58Don't you want to judge me just a little bit?
31:01Not my style.
31:07Yeah.
31:09Hang on.
31:13Hang on.
31:17Hi.
31:20Oh, God, I missed you.
31:22Are you going to go see the gals more, huh?
31:27Come on.
31:30Suddenly, I felt safe again.
31:32It had all just been a big, bad dream.
31:34As long as I was near Aiden, it would all be okay.
31:40Until the morning.
31:41Why do you have to go to Pennsylvania today?
31:44See that chair?
31:45It's got owners.
31:46They miss it very much.
31:48Go tomorrow.
31:50Come on, stay.
31:51I'll make you cookies.
31:53You don't cook.
31:54I'll buy you cookies.
31:56Come on, stay.
31:57Just for a couple days.
31:59Got to have some stuff that you want to do.
32:04What I needed to do was not be alone.
32:07Be good.
32:23Be good.
32:25Downtown, Samantha woke up to discover she did have it all, including the flu.
32:30Oh.
32:37Shit.
32:39Oh.
32:43Samantha never wanted a man around in the morning, until she needed one.
32:47John?
32:49Hey, it's Samantha.
32:51Jones.
32:53From the gym.
32:55Yeah, right.
32:56Listen, I was wondering if you might be able to drop by on your way to work this morning.
33:02Honey, I can hardly blow my nose, let alone blow you.
33:07Yeah.
33:08Well, I wouldn't want you to get sick either.
33:16Later that day, in the bridal registry department at Bergdorf Goodman, Charlotte discovered she
33:21wanted it all, and more.
33:23$1,300.
33:24Yes.
33:25And we do very well.
33:27It's really beautiful.
33:29Yes.
33:30It looked lovely under the ramen noodles we'll be forced to eat due to my outstanding china
33:34loans.
33:35Oh, no.
33:37No, not that face.
33:41All right.
33:42If it's what you want.
33:44I'm too crazy about you to say no.
33:49I've got to get back to the hospital.
33:50I've got a two o'clock angioplasty.
33:52Did you do your guest list for the party?
33:54Oh, right, right.
33:58What you got?
34:05Sweetie?
34:06Hmm?
34:06What's this?
34:09Oh, prenuptial agreements, totally standard.
34:12Everyone in the family has one.
34:13I think you sign on page four or something.
34:15Feel free to have your lawyer look it over.
34:18I'll call you later.
34:26Well, this all looks pretty normal.
34:27Charlotte wasted no time having a lawyer look over the papers.
34:30Normal?
34:30We haven't even gotten married yet, and already we're talking about divorce.
34:33Sweetie, a lot of people do prenups these days.
34:35Marriage is supposed to be about love and happiness.
34:38And the merging and protection of assets.
34:39That is so unromantic.
34:41And necessary.
34:42Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.
34:44See?
34:44There it is again.
34:45Divorce.
34:45I'm sure you'll live happily ever after, but I gotta tell you, I wouldn't get married
34:49without one of these to protect myself.
34:50See, I'm safe.
34:51I mean, what's he gonna take from me?
34:52Shoes?
34:53Wait a minute, maybe I do need one.
34:55Hmm.
34:56What?
34:56Okay, this is a little unusual.
34:58He has you on a vesting schedule.
34:59For every five years that you're married, you get a percentage of $500,000.
35:04I'm only worth $500,000?
35:06Over 30 years.
35:08Well, maybe that's your wholesale price.
35:09And if you have any boys, you'll get another hundred grand free and clear.
35:14Well, how much for girls?
35:16Um, nada.
35:19Well, that's just bad business.
35:21I can't sign that.
35:22I can't marry someone knowing they feel this way.
35:24Listen, this is just their opening offer.
35:26It's totally standard to go back in and negotiate.
35:28Negotiate?
35:28I can't even buy stuff on sale.
35:30Talk to Trey.
35:31I'm sure his lawyers will be able to take care of all of this.
35:34Working over lunch?
35:36They're right.
35:36The New York office is tougher than ours.
35:38George, this is Carrie and Charlotte.
35:40George works in our Chicago office.
35:42Hi, I'm here all week taking depositions.
35:44And restaurant recommendations from hip and trendy New Yorkers.
35:47You're hip and trendy?
35:48George is from Chicago.
35:51So it was good, huh?
35:52It's fantastic.
35:53I hope the place I take you tomorrow night lives up to your standards.
35:55Oh, I'm sure it'll be great.
35:58I'll drop by your office later.
35:59Okay.
36:00Nice meeting you ladies.
36:01Hi.
36:02Well, well, well, they sure do grow cute in the Midwest.
36:06I know.
36:06We have a date.
36:08You better find out how much he pays for boys before you get attached.
36:1324 hours, three degrees of fever, and two pages of her black book later, Samantha was no closer
36:18to closing her deal.
36:19Why don't you go fuck yourself?
36:21Because I won't be doing it again.
36:23Ever.
36:25Samantha was discovering it was much easier to find a guy to screw her than one who'd screw
36:29in her curtain rod.
36:30She wasn't the only one who needed a fix.
36:33That day, I did everything I could to keep busy until Aiden came back.
36:36I rearranged my sweaters.
36:38I defrosted my fridge.
36:47I broke into my emergency hidden stash.
36:50And I thought about choices.
36:52Since birth, modern women have been told we can do and be anything we want.
36:56Be an astronaut, the head of an internet company, a stay-at-home mom.
37:00There aren't any rules anymore, and the choices are endless.
37:03And apparently, they can all be delivered right to your door.
37:06But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one?
37:11That a part of us knows that once you choose something, one man, one great apartment, one
37:16amazing job, another option goes away.
37:19Are we a generation of women who can't choose just one from column A?
37:23Did we all have too much to handle, or was Samantha right?
37:26Can we have it all?
37:29Two hours later, I had filed every article I'd ever written, but I still couldn't file
37:33away what had happened with Big.
37:35And so I made a choice.
37:39I called him.
37:44Yeah?
37:45Hey, it's me, Carrie.
37:47Jesus, Carrie.
37:49How are you?
37:50I'm good, fine.
37:51Um, okay.
37:52Listen, uh, we need to talk about what happened with us.
37:55Right now?
37:56Yes.
37:57Rationally, and right now.
37:58Apparently you're the boss.
37:59Okay, the thing is, it was just a physical thing that happened.
38:02We gave in to our baser instincts, shit happens, blah blah blah.
38:06Are you wearing glasses?
38:08No.
38:09You sound like you're wearing glasses.
38:10It can't happen again.
38:12You're married.
38:12I'm aware of that.
38:14But come on.
38:15It was pretty fucking amazing, wasn't it?
38:18That is so not the point.
38:19We're intelligent human beings here.
38:21We have to learn to rise above the physical stuff.
38:24You can learn to do that?
38:26Apparently, we couldn't.
38:28Next time we're going to a hotel, I can smell the guy on your sheets.
38:33Wood chips and Paco Rabanne.
38:35He doesn't wear cologne.
38:38Maybe he should.
38:39And by the way, there'll be no next time.
38:42This is going to be like the bridges of Madison Avenue.
38:45A very brief affair I'll write about in sappy letters to my grandchildren.
38:48Can I have a beard in the book version?
38:51Huh?
38:52I've always wanted a beard.
38:54Maybe a goatee.
38:56It all felt so easy and so good.
38:59I was like the moth to the old flame.
39:03Meanwhile, that night, Miranda was enjoying her new flame.
39:07Oh, I can't fucking believe I have to catch an 11 o'clock flight.
39:12But it was fun.
39:14I swear to God, if I weren't going back to Chicago, I would definitely be trying to sleep with you
39:18right now.
39:20And I'm drunk enough, I might have let you.
39:23Oh, damn.
39:26I'll have to wait till next time.
39:28So there'll be a next time?
39:29Of course.
39:30I come back and forth a lot.
39:32And in the meantime, there's always the phone.
39:35I have one of those.
39:37I'll call you tomorrow night.
39:45Damn.
39:48The next night, Miranda was pleasantly surprised to hear from George.
39:52I knew you were a middle child.
39:53I love it when I'm right.
39:55Yeah, spoken like a true only child.
39:58They talked for two hours about everything.
40:00Favorite foods, their families.
40:02It was one of the best dates Miranda had ever been on.
40:06Tell me what you're wearing.
40:07And then the date got even better.
40:09Nothing.
40:11I wish I were there.
40:13Really?
40:14What would you do?
40:16I'd start by kissing your neck slowly.
40:21And then I'd work my way down and start licking your nipples.
40:27Where's your head?
40:28On your dick?
40:30I'd put the other one on you.
40:33That night, Miranda started sleeping with George regularly.
40:37She felt like she had it all.
40:38Her own independent life and a great boyfriend she could count on.
40:42He always called and she always came to the phone.
40:45While Miranda was coming, I was busy preparing for Aiden to come back.
40:49I had slept in Biggs and My's sex sheets for two days.
40:52And like any good junkie, I knew how to hide the evidence.
40:56Hey, you.
40:58Come on.
40:58Come on.
41:00Come on.
41:07Come on.
41:10Oh, look at you.
41:11I was sure he could see the Scarlet A burned into my chest.
41:14If Big could smell him, could he smell Big on me?
41:17God, I missed you so much.
41:21Wow.
41:23I should send you to Pennsylvania more often.
41:26You should.
41:27I realized something while I was gone.
41:29Oh, you did, did you?
41:31Yeah.
41:32I love you, Carrie.
41:37Is that too much?
41:40Around Trenton, I thought I shouldn't say it.
41:42No, no.
41:46I love you, too.
41:54Not only was my secret safe, but apparently I had become lovable.
41:59I felt awful.
42:00And so good.
42:02Wait, no sheets.
42:03Fuck the sheets.
42:04So you're bent over.
42:05And I'm playing with you.
42:07And your dick is in my mouth.
42:09Oh, Jesus.
42:10Oh, I think I'm gonna come.
42:11The next night, Miranda was going to third with George when her second line beeped in.
42:16Damn it.
42:16Hold on.
42:19Hello?
42:20Trey says his mom won't negotiate.
42:22Hold on.
42:23You sound weird.
42:23Are you okay?
42:24I'll be right back.
42:26Okay.
42:27Your dick is in my mouth.
42:29Keep it there.
42:30So now we know.
42:31The mom's the one holding the card.
42:33She's the one you're gonna have to go up against.
42:34How do I do that?
42:35Charlotte, this isn't a good time.
42:37I'll call you tomorrow.
42:38By the...
42:40Sorry.
42:41So am I.
42:43You got me so hot, I just came.
42:45You did, huh?
42:48So now we have to take care of you.
42:53The next night, I went to take care of Samantha.
42:57More cough syrup.
42:59Which for Samantha meant making her mom's cure-all childhood remedy.
43:03Cough syrup and Fanta orange soda over ice.
43:12No offense, but this thing's about to make me sicker than you.
43:15Give me my drink.
43:17Okay, okay.
43:20Frosted martini glass will make that a lot more appetizing.
43:26Why don't you ask the super to fix your window?
43:29Because I don't have one.
43:30I own this fucking place, remember?
43:35I should have gotten married.
43:38Then at least I'd have a curtain that closes.
43:41Oh, Carrie.
43:43It doesn't matter how much you have.
43:45If you don't have a guy who cares about you,
43:49it'll mean shit.
43:51Oh, sweetie, calm down.
43:54Oh, shit.
43:55Three days of sleep deprivation had turned Samantha into a whole new woman.
43:59Charlotte.
44:01For someone who had it all, she had never felt more alone.
44:06Oh, girl.
44:07Okay.
44:09I'm going to tell you something.
44:11There's two types of guys out there.
44:13The ones that hold your hands and the ones that fuck you.
44:17And I'd slept with both of them in the last 48 hours.
44:19And the guys that fuck you aren't worth a damn.
44:23We're all alone, Carrie.
44:26Oh, we are not all alone.
44:29We have each other.
44:36Dad.
44:38Three days of bed rest later,
44:40three healthy girls attended a very uptown party.
44:43Jesus.
44:45It's like Martha Stewart exploded in here.
44:47Hey, look.
44:48Headbands are back.
44:48I'm starving.
44:49Where's the food?
44:51It's amazing what four days of a cough syrup and Fanta diet will do for the appetite.
44:55They're wasps.
44:56There's never food, only booze.
44:58Fine.
44:58One martini, six olives.
45:01I can't believe Charlotte wants to be in this world.
45:03Look at these people.
45:04They're like Ken and Barbie cutouts.
45:06You guys made it.
45:07Yay.
45:08Hi.
45:09Ladies, I see you found a bar.
45:10We're good that way.
45:11Okay, you have to keep people out of the maid's room.
45:15There are photos of me rowing college crew in there.
45:18It's mortified.
45:19Mom, these are Charlotte's friends.
45:21Ladies, this is my mom.
45:22Funny.
45:23Hello.
45:23Pleasure to have you.
45:24Oh, there's Reverend Williams.
45:26Maybe we should go say hello before he gets into the scotch.
45:31I say it was about 20 years too late for that.
45:37I haven't signed the prenup.
45:38What are you going to do?
45:39I don't know.
45:40I'm so confused.
45:41I really love him.
45:42I do.
45:43But I feel like no one cares about me.
45:45I thought that maybe if we could negotiate, it'd be okay.
45:47But now this all feels so wrong.
45:51What does Tracy say?
45:52Nothing.
45:53He leaves this stuff up to his mother.
45:54A woman named Bunny Honey.
45:56You could take her.
45:57Help me.
45:58What should I do?
45:59Oh, sweetie, we can't tell you what to do.
46:01I wasn't one to talk on the subject of marriage, considering I might be in the process of breaking
46:05one up.
46:06You have to do whatever feels right to you.
46:09I guess it just depends how much you want to marry Trey.
46:22Bunny, do you have a minute?
46:24What, Charlotte, of course.
46:26Charlotte realized if she ever wanted to close the deal with Trey, she'd have to close the
46:30deal with Bunny first.
46:32I haven't signed the prenuptial agreement.
46:34Well, you've been busy.
46:35I have, um, a little problem with how much I'm worth.
46:42I see.
46:44Well, Charlotte, that is the standard amount.
46:46It's how it's always been done in the McDougal family.
46:51Right.
46:52Not only would she have to negotiate, she'd have to play hardball.
46:57Well, you know, we haven't finalized all of the wedding arrangements.
47:03I know Trey would be disappointed if I backed out, and the Times announcement would run,
47:08and I guess there would be some questions, but...
47:10What do you want?
47:12I'm worth a million.
47:18I did it!
47:19I negotiated with Bunny, and I signed the prenup.
47:21Oh!
47:22That's great, sweetie.
47:23I'm getting married.
47:25Congratulations!
47:25Congratulations!
47:27I love him, I really do.
47:28Ladies, may I sweep my bride away?
47:32She's all yours.
47:34It was then that each of us realized that we didn't have it all, because we no longer
47:39had Charlotte.
47:41And then, there were three.
47:43I can't believe she's marrying that guy.
47:46And for about a tenth of what she's worth.
47:48Hey, I thought you were Ms. Pro-marriage these days.
47:51Honey, I was delirious.
47:52I also saw plaid spots all over my bathtub.
47:54I can't believe I'm saying this, but it feels weird without her hair.
47:59It's such a Charlotte thing to say.
48:01After a week full of Aiden and no cigarettes, I felt like I had finally kicked my addiction.
48:06Emu!
48:07What?
48:0932 cross, rare bird, emu.
48:11I was getting there.
48:13Not with the wrong word in 15 down, you are.
48:21And then my addiction found me.
48:23Hello.
48:24I need to see you.
48:25Miranda, I'll call you back.
48:26I'm downstairs.
48:27If you don't come down, I'm coming up.
48:28Right, I'll call you later.
48:35I told Aiden I was taking Pete for a walk.
48:37And he believed me, which only made it worse.
48:41Don't ever call me at home again.
48:43Walk.
48:44You know, you can't just decide.
48:45You want to see me and boom, I'm there.
48:47Is this his dog?
48:48Yes.
48:49Do you know what your problem is?
48:50You want it all.
48:50You want the girl you screw, me, and the girl you go home to, her.
48:53That's bullshit.
48:54I just want you.
48:57I can't do this anymore.
48:58Sleep with two people at the same time.
49:03I'm going to tell her tonight.
49:04What?
49:05No.
49:06No, no.
49:07You married men don't just leave their way.
49:10I have a man who loves me, and you have a wife who loves you.
49:14Don't talk about him and her like it's you and me.
49:17You have no right to do this.
49:18You can't just come back into my life and fuck it all up.
49:21Well, I think there are two people doing the fucking here, Carrie.
49:25Shit.
49:26Pete.
49:26Oh, shit.
49:28Where are you going?
49:29Pete.
49:30Wait, Carrie.
49:31Pete.
49:32Pete.
49:33Oh, shit.
49:34Carrie.
49:35Pete.
49:37Excuse me.
49:38Excuse me.
49:39Pete.
49:40Go.
49:41Go.
49:44Pete.
49:46Pete.
49:49Pete.
49:51Pete.
50:00Shit.
50:03No.
50:04Go home.
50:05Don't tell anyone.
50:05Don't do anything.
50:07I want to help.
50:08It isn't helping.
50:09Go home.
50:14Later, back at Miranda's home, things were heating up as well.
50:18And I unbuttoned the last button and slipped my hand in and touched your breast.
50:23Your nipples so hard.
50:27I'll be right back.
50:41And I'm thrusting.
50:42I'm thrusting.
50:43I'm deep inside of you.
50:45You were touching my breast.
50:47Yeah, yeah.
50:48I'm touching your breast and I'm thrusting hard into you.
50:51No, we hadn't gotten to that yet.
50:54Oh.
50:58Are you having phone sex with other people?
51:03Well, Miranda, I don't think we ever said this was an exclusive thing.
51:08Oh, my God.
51:09And with that, Miranda stopped being hung up on George.
51:12And so she hung up on him.
51:15Three hours later, I still hadn't found Pete.
51:18And I felt as lost as he was.
51:20I had a man who loved me and a man who wanted to leave his wife for me.
51:24I should have been on top of the world, but I wasn't.
51:26I didn't feel like I had it all.
51:28I felt like nothing.
51:30I had lost Pete, and I would probably lose Aiden.
51:33So I decided to come clean.
51:36Hey.
51:38Jesus, I was worried about you.
51:43Oh, Pete.
51:45Hey.
51:46Oh, my God.
51:48Pete's here?
51:50Oh, my God.
51:51I lost him.
51:51I lost him and I looked for him.
51:55Oh, Pete, come here.
51:57Oh, come here, Pete.
51:59Oh, God.
52:01Hey.
52:02I'm an awful girlfriend.
52:04Hey, take it easy.
52:05I'm awful.
52:06He's a dog.
52:07He runs away.
52:08He found his way back.
52:10Come here.
52:11And so had I.
52:16Carrie, I need to ask you something.
52:20Okay.
52:21I don't want to be paranoid here, okay?
52:23But you took Pete for a walk, and we both know you're not big on the dog walking.
52:30And I can smell something.
52:43Are you cheating?
52:51I can smell the smoke on you.
52:58You're smoking again, aren't you?
53:03Yeah.
53:05Yeah, I am.
53:07It was the truth.
53:10Are you going to quit?
53:12I really want to.
53:14And that was, too.
53:24See you next time.