- 1 day ago
TV, Movie, 3Rd Rock From The Sun S01E01 Brains And Eggs
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TVTranscript
00:25All right, we're still taking calls on those UFO sightings.
00:28I'm on the line with Jennifer who claims to have actually met aliens.
00:31Gary, I have been sucked up by alien spacecraft many times and I can tell you they are among us.
00:38Really? Now, what do you suppose they want?
00:40Well, they want my eggs to start their own alien race.
00:44Whoa, thanks for calling. Hello, you're on the air.
00:47Yeah, I saw four aliens in a car. I think it was a Rambler.
00:50Whoa, stylish.
00:53Everyone fully formed? Uh-huh, yeah.
00:56Everyone got ten fingers and eleven toes?
00:59Check. Good. I guess we're in.
01:02Everyone comfortable? Um, I have three holes in my face.
01:09Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear?
01:12No.
01:13Wow.
01:14And how are you supposed to lick your back?
01:17Maybe you do what they're doing.
01:19Look, life forms and they're cleaning each other.
01:27Look at us. I can't believe we look like them.
01:35Is anybody else sweating out of their breasts?
01:39No.
01:41In fact, I don't have any.
01:42I have tiny ones.
01:48Quick, look.
01:50That woman is going to drive with her feet.
01:54Don't you people have a home?
01:56No, we don't. But thank you for the idea.
02:01See?
02:02She called us people.
02:10Listen.
02:11It's that signal they keep sending into space.
02:23Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet.
02:27I got a teaching job at a third-rate university.
02:29Now we're looking at a third-floor apartment.
02:31Come in. Come on in.
02:33It's the attic, so it's kind of small, but it's furnished.
02:37We love it.
02:38Yeah, it's so much bigger than a car.
02:40Yeah, we'll take it.
02:41You know, this used to be the rumpus room back in the 60s.
02:45This carpet has seen more butts in Santa Claus's lap.
02:51Ooh.
02:51Ooh. What is this stuff?
02:54The sweater. It's angora.
02:56Well, it's wonderful.
02:58I've never seen anything like it.
03:00Ooh.
03:01Ooh.
03:01I like the color.
03:02Well, it's very nice.
03:04You're not from around here, are you?
03:07Well, Mrs. Dupacheck, I could stand here and chew your fat all day, but time has no manners.
03:12Bye now.
03:14Sally, I want you to observe her.
03:16Find out what women on this planet do.
03:18Why can't Harry do it?
03:20Because you're the woman.
03:21That brings up a very good question.
03:23Why am I the woman?
03:24Because you lost.
03:29Dick.
03:32I can't see through my eyelids.
03:35Open them.
03:39Oh, they're manual.
03:47Oh, good. You're here.
03:49Did you copy the mainframe in the library?
03:51Uh, I got a little distracted.
03:53Again? What happened?
03:55Well, I was watching these women play volleyball, and they were all jumping up and down.
04:01Up and down in these little shorts.
04:04And some of them can't jump beside the others.
04:06But it's okay. I mean, it's more than okay. It's really okay. I mean...
04:10What is wrong with you?
04:12I don't know.
04:13We can't leave without that information.
04:15So access the mainframe, enter the net, download, and then go straight home as soon as you're finished.
04:20Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
04:22You are a child.
04:23I'm older than you.
04:24Well, now I'm bigger.
04:26And on this planet, size matters.
04:30Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
04:31Uh, Nina.
04:32Here's your mail. This is nothing. Nothing.
04:35This is something, but there's nothing you can do about it.
04:38This is an invitation to a party at the dean's house.
04:40This is nothing.
04:41And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching, you're gonna lose something.
04:47Tommy's just on his way to the library, aren't you, Tommy?
04:49Uh, yeah, I am now.
04:51I have to go look up the word throb.
04:56He's older than he looks.
04:57Well, I have to file some things for you.
05:00What is that?
05:02It's you.
05:04You smell so nice.
05:06Thanks, I try.
05:09That had better be your nose.
05:14Is your wife out of town?
05:17Uh, Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us.
05:21She, uh, burned up on re-entry.
05:24I had a boyfriend who used to burn up on re-entry.
05:27He walks with a limp now.
05:31Good morning, Dr. Albright.
05:33Good morning, Nina.
05:34Good morning, Dr. Albright.
05:35Nina, would you tell Dr. Solomon he parked in my space again?
05:39You parked in her space.
05:41Yes, I know.
05:41It was empty.
05:42Would you tell him I'm going to have him towed?
05:44Tell her I already have all the tows I need.
05:46I am fully forged.
05:48That's my parking space.
05:50I had to park a mile away.
05:52Oh, so you have a car.
05:54Ah, Nina, go to the chem lab.
05:57Tell them I sent you.
05:58Get a pipe bomb.
05:59Put it in Dr. Solomon's car and blow it up.
06:04For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
06:08Please, Dr. Albright.
06:10We barely know each other.
06:15Dr. Solomon, we should get along.
06:18I'm very intelligent.
06:20You have an impressive resume.
06:22I am the high commander.
06:24I must admit, when I first met you,
06:26I was attracted to your flamboyant nature and big head.
06:29Oh, thanks.
06:29Because I almost went with the smaller one.
06:33Even though I am drawn to genius,
06:35this is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose monkey.
06:39You're not so bad yourself, woman.
06:42Knock it off.
06:46What is my thesis doing out of my desk?
06:48Oh, I took it out.
06:49My desk was locked.
06:50Which made it very difficult to open.
06:52You might want to make a note of that.
06:55You read it?
06:56Read it.
06:56I memorized it.
06:58Well, it's just a few thoughts.
07:00A few brilliant thoughts.
07:02Really?
07:03Well, that's quite a compliment coming from someone with your credentials.
07:06I'm glad you enjoyed it.
07:07Enjoyed it?
07:08It's the funniest thing I've ever read.
07:10Your theory on man and the animal within, it's hilarious.
07:16Tina said you had no sense of humor.
07:17She is so wrong.
07:19The conclusions that you draw are laugh-out-loud funny.
07:23I see.
07:26Dr. Solomon, you have crossed a line.
07:27You have belittled my work.
07:29And you hurt my feelings.
07:32I don't like you.
07:35I don't understand.
07:37Of course you don't.
07:38You're a man.
07:40That's where you're wrong.
07:47Okay, so meatloaf is breadcrumbs, spices, and ground beef?
07:51That's it.
07:52And ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow?
07:54Yeah.
07:55Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder?
07:59Oh, no.
08:00That sucker's been dead for hours.
08:04I have dead cow on my hands.
08:07I have dead cow on my hands.
08:13Women.
08:16You can't live with them, and yet they're everywhere.
08:21So P itself is always even, and we can write P equals 2S, where S is some other integer.
08:28Substituting P, we find P to the second power equals 2S to the second power equals 4S to the second
08:32power equals 2Q to the second power.
08:35And we find, who can tell me?
08:36Anyone?
08:40Okay, I'm getting ahead of everyone.
08:42Let's simplify it.
08:44How far away is Cleveland?
08:4552 miles.
08:46Someone give me another answer.
08:47An hour away.
08:48Cleveland is an hour away.
08:50Someone give me another answer.
08:51A $9 bus ticket.
08:52Cleveland is $9 away.
08:54Oh, a felony charge.
08:55The federal courthouse is there.
08:56Yes!
08:57Cleveland is a felonious assault away.
08:59Someone else.
09:00Yes, Leon.
09:01Well, come on, Leon.
09:02Speak up.
09:03No, never mind.
09:03I had this idea, but it's wrong.
09:07Oh, Leon, of course it's wrong.
09:09I mean, the odds against your being right are staggering.
09:15You have a great advantage.
09:16You know the outcome.
09:17You will be wrong.
09:18Don't fear it.
09:19Embrace your wrongness, Leon.
09:22How far away is Cleveland?
09:24Cleveland is an eternity away, if your heart is there.
09:29Leon, that is so provocative.
09:32Where Cleveland equals P and eternity equals Q, transposing the logarithm of the heart,
09:37where the heart is an unknown, we find that we are forever in Cleveland.
09:46No, I'm sorry, Leon.
09:48You're wrong.
09:49Yes, Carol.
09:50Dr. Solomon, I think that Leon meant that Cleveland could feel like an eternity away.
09:56Oh, it's a feeling.
10:02Yes, I know all about feelings.
10:05Everything's just going fine, and somebody has a feeling.
10:09And kaboom!
10:11Suddenly they don't like you.
10:13I think we can all do without feelings.
10:15Who's with me?
10:17Your grade depends on it.
10:20Dr. Solomon, I hope this doesn't affect my grade, but I have a thought.
10:25Yes?
10:26You have to have feelings.
10:28Feelings are like the core of the human experience.
10:30The core of the human experience?
10:33Of course, I never thought of that.
10:36Tomorrow, I want you all to write a paper for me about feelings.
10:40Tell me how it feels to use only 10% of your brain.
10:45Ooh, everyone was awake.
10:49Where is Dr. Albright?
10:50I have to talk to her.
10:51She's gone for the day, but she'll be at the Dean's faculty party tonight.
10:54Right, Dean Sumner's party.
10:55Tell him I'll be there.
10:56Ooh, I'll drop everything and do that right now.
10:59I'm not sure how to get there.
11:01I can pick you up.
11:02That won't hurt your back?
11:07I'll be in a car.
11:08Oh, good.
11:09Come by and blow the horn.
11:10I love to hear people honk.
11:13What are you, from Mars?
11:15Mars?
11:17Oh, no.
11:38Hi.
11:40Hi.
11:42You're on the volleyball team, aren't you?
11:44Yeah, I am.
11:45I watched you jump up and down this afternoon.
11:49You're really good.
11:50Thanks.
11:51We won.
11:52Oh, it's a game.
11:55Um, anyway, my name's...
11:57Oh, come on, man.
11:59May I remind you that we are not to alter the lives of the inhabitants of this planet in any
12:04way?
12:04Yeah, but some of them are just asking for it.
12:07Pull it together. I'm extending our mission for one more night.
12:11Why?
12:12I have faculty obligations.
12:15Dick, don't do this to me. I never sleep. I'm exhausted. Besides, you don't have the authority to alter the
12:21schedule.
12:21Of course I do. I'm in command.
12:23Yeah, well, I'm in puberty, pal.
12:28I don't care what you say. It can't be that bad.
12:32I could pop at any minute.
12:35Aren't you exaggerating just a little?
12:37No. Here, give me your mind for just a second.
12:39Oh, please.
12:40Come on, just give me your mind.
12:46Oh, that's disgusting!
12:48You think like that?
12:49All the time.
12:51We've got to get you out of here.
12:56Dick, what are you doing?
12:57I'm unpacking. I changed my mind. We're going to stay a little longer.
13:01I'm a dead man.
13:04That's mine. Be careful. It's very valuable.
13:11You know how I have an urge to hold that.
13:14That's exactly what it's for.
13:15Yeah, may I?
13:16Please?
13:19I find this very satisfying.
13:20I know.
13:21Yeah, I like that.
13:25I wonder what Dr. Albright is doing right now.
13:28Come on, let's break it up here.
13:30I will be so glad to get out of this body.
13:33What are you doing?
13:34I'm unpacking.
13:35The commander wants to stay a little while longer.
13:37What for? Because we can't leave yet.
13:41Did you know that our bodies can produce feelings?
13:44I got a whole lot of them from Dr. Albright this afternoon.
13:47Really?
13:47Yes, and I'm going to a party to see if I can get a little tonight.
13:52Oh, Dick, no.
13:54I'm telling you, it's a crime against science not to experiment with ourselves.
13:58Well, but couldn't we just conduct these experiments in the privacy of our own home?
14:01I mean, what can she do that I can't?
14:04Lieutenant.
14:04What?
14:05Permission to speak freely.
14:07Permission granted.
14:08Sir, would you jump up and down for us?
14:11Oh, yeah, and put your hands back behind your head like this.
14:16I will not.
14:17What?
14:17Please, for science, truly.
14:21No, I mean, it's not that I don't want to help.
14:23It's just that I don't know how comfortable we would feel working together after an experiment like that.
14:27It'll be fine.
14:30In your dreams.
14:31Every night.
14:33Look, absolutely not.
14:35Okay, fine.
14:36You leave me no other choice.
14:37Now we have to experiment at a party.
14:41Dick, listen to me.
14:42Women are trouble.
14:43I should know.
14:43I've been one for two weeks.
14:45I know.
14:45Which brings up another point.
14:47I command you to shave under your arms.
14:51Doable.
14:53I'm sorry you find me so offensive.
14:56Dammit, pull yourself together, man.
14:58We're going out.
15:00Okay.
15:01Okay.
15:03Give me an hour.
15:04An hour?
15:04Yeah.
15:05I gotta rotate these.
15:07It's a party.
15:16Dr. Solomon, how nice to see you.
15:18Good evening, Mrs. Sumner.
15:19Won't you come in?
15:21You'll back up.
15:23Please, uh, forgive Sally.
15:25She's not from Ohio.
15:27Oh, I love where you put these walls.
15:29Uh, may I take your coat?
15:31If I can keep my pants.
15:37Harry, listen, I want you to keep an eye on this Albright experiment.
15:40Yeah, sure.
15:41What are these?
15:42Crustaceans.
15:43I mean, Dick is endangering this entire mission.
15:45Uh-huh, right.
15:46And these?
15:47Uh, unborn fowl.
15:48I'm beginning to question his ability to command.
15:51Yeah, too bad.
15:51And these are?
15:53Cocktail weenies.
15:53Cocktail weenies.
15:54Okay, I've seen these before.
15:55They should be bigger.
15:59Nina, right?
16:00Oh, hi, Sally.
16:02Nice dress.
16:03Hm, thanks.
16:03Just something I threw on.
16:05Yeah, well, you almost missed.
16:11Hello, here I am.
16:13Yes, there you are.
16:14Dr. Albright, I've been thinking about us all day.
16:16I haven't.
16:17I want to try again.
16:19I want very much to feel.
16:22And I want even more to be felt.
16:25And I mean that from the heart of my bottom.
16:28Well, yours up.
16:31Oh, I don't do that right at all.
16:33You see, I mean, I'm new at this.
16:37You see, I've been getting a feeling, and I'm trying to identify it.
16:42Rub it.
16:42Maybe it'll go away.
16:44I just want to make it feel better.
16:47Well, you could start by saying I'm sorry.
16:51Okay, I'm sorry.
16:52Well, you could say it as if you meant it.
16:55Oh, of course.
16:57Dr. Albright, I'm very sorry.
17:02Oh, that felt great.
17:05Let's do it again.
17:07Dr. Albright, I'm very sorry.
17:12Oh.
17:16Get away from me.
17:18What did I not do right?
17:19Go away.
17:20I don't understand.
17:25Hey, what do you think?
17:26They seem to have greater power when they collide.
17:28I'm not wrong, am I?
17:31Sally, will you excuse us for a moment?
17:34Come on, girls.
17:35Let's go.
17:39What do you want?
17:41Dr. Albright, I have a scientific proposition.
17:44I have hidden a $100 bill somewhere on my body.
17:47Find it and it's yours.
17:50You're unbelievable.
17:51I'll give you a hint.
17:52It's not in a pocket.
17:54Aren't you even gonna try?
17:57You're coming on to me.
18:00I have no idea what that means.
18:01It's all right.
18:02It's in my thesis.
18:03It's basic animal attraction.
18:06We all have the animal within.
18:07Some are one swing closer to the tree.
18:13I've seen you preen and strut around the office.
18:18I admit, I like it.
18:24Are you planning to do something important with your mouth tonight?
18:28Because you've painted it bright red.
18:31This always happens.
18:33Dr. Erdman had a thing for me.
18:35Dr. Wallach, Dr. Zucker, Dr. Thomas.
18:38Oh, the guy from Cornell who was here for a week.
18:40Oh, that was insane.
18:41Excuse me, but I have a sudden urge to clean you.
18:56Dr. Albright, I was trying to be dead.
18:56Oh, no.
19:11Oh, Dr. Albright.
19:14I was just thinking of you.
19:22Well, thanks for the weenies.
19:25Oh, good night, Dr. Solomon.
19:27Thank you so much for coming.
19:28Good night.
19:48What a terrific evening.
19:50I just had a great time.
19:52Didn't you?
19:53Whatever.
19:55I just think this is the most incredible place we've ever been.
19:58The people are so complex.
20:01I love them.
20:02I just think they're wonderful.
20:05You probed her, didn't you?
20:08I might have scanned her a little.
20:11I think we've underestimated the life on this planet.
20:14The people have so much courage.
20:17Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67,000 miles an hour,
20:22and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.
20:28I'm so glad we're staying.
20:30I want to find out what else they know.
20:32What makes them happy?
20:34How they raise their young?
20:35What happens when they die?
20:37Why they call themselves the human race?
20:40Do they think someone's going to win?
20:44Oh, look.
20:45Shooting star.
20:48I think this is going to be our greatest mission.
20:51Yeah.
20:52He probed her all right.
20:55It's about a lovely ride.
21:00Oh, yeah.
21:02Sliding down and gliding down and try not to try too hard.
21:09It's just a lovely ride.
21:13guitar solo
21:16guitar solo
21:19guitar solo
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