- 5 hours ago
Charlie Dates a Teacher
Charlie dates his daughter's teacher after meeting with her to discuss Sam's grades, and he soon starts to fear that Sam's grades are related to how well he performs in bed.
Charlie dates his daughter's teacher after meeting with her to discuss Sam's grades, and he soon starts to fear that Sam's grades are related to how well he performs in bed.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, Patrick, are you saying that you were an angry baby?
00:02No, I think more of a sardonic baby.
00:05My first word was, really.
00:09What the hell does sardonic mean?
00:12Really.
00:14Well, we're out of time, so I'll see you all next week.
00:20Grace, could you hang back for a minute?
00:22What's up?
00:23Look, I think you and I both know that there's something going on between us, and we need to talk
00:27about it.
00:28Oh, my God. Are we actually, like, acknowledging this?
00:32It's wrong, but there's nothing I can do about it.
00:35I want you.
00:37Okay.
00:52You are so amazing.
00:53I know, right?
00:58What the hell?
01:00Jeremy?
01:02Okay, that's it.
01:03No more not drinking before bed.
01:14Coming.
01:21Hey.
01:22What the hell are you doing with that?
01:24I'm selling them door to door.
01:26What do you mean, Miss? Is there someone less aggressive I can talk to?
01:30Sam called you, didn't she?
01:32Yeah, she said that your vacuum cleaner died, so I brought you one.
01:35Because she'd been vacuuming the house for the last seven hours and wore it out.
01:39Aha.
01:40So it didn't die.
01:43It was murdered.
01:45I'm serious, Charlie.
01:47Her OCD's acting up.
01:48It's her English class.
01:50Sam's a straight-A student, but no matter how hard she works, she can't get an A out of this
01:54teacher.
01:55It's driving her nuts.
01:56God, I hated English.
01:58I always cut that class.
01:59And those English teachers with their stupid vocabulary quizzes, they're always so, so...
02:05Why can't I ever find the right words?
02:09My God, thank you so much.
02:11I still have the whole upstairs to do.
02:13Did you bring an extension cord?
02:14Sam?
02:14Sam, you're obsessing.
02:16What's going on with your English teacher?
02:18I don't know what the woman wants.
02:20Look, you're stuck in a pattern, okay?
02:22So I want you to go upstairs and do anything but vacuum.
02:24Fine.
02:25I'll just go upstairs and start a dangerous relationship with an internet predator.
02:29Go for it.
02:30As long as it doesn't bring you a vacuum.
02:33You've got to go see that teacher.
02:35Okay, when do you want to go?
02:36Oh, no, I shouldn't go.
02:38You know me.
02:38When it comes to Sam, I'm too defensive.
02:40Remember when she was 12 and I yelled at that jackass for calling her short?
02:44That was his job.
02:46You had to be this tall to get on the roller coaster.
02:50And, Ed, how was your weekend?
02:52I got into a fender bender.
02:54The other driver was elderly.
02:57And she was a woman.
02:58And surprise, surprise, she was an Asian.
03:03I hit the trifecta.
03:05What happened?
03:06Did you swerve to avoid hitting the sneaky Arab or the carload of Mexicans?
03:10Yeah, you're being ridiculous.
03:12That's true.
03:13You wouldn't swerve.
03:16All right, we're out of time, folks.
03:17See you all next week.
03:22Lacey, can I talk to you for a second?
03:23Oh, God, it's happening.
03:27Everything okay?
03:29You spent the whole session staring at me.
03:31If I didn't know better, I'd think you were paying attention.
03:34No, that'd be silly.
03:36But I can't really talk about it, not with you.
03:40You can tell me anything.
03:41You told me that you got high at your grandmother's funeral.
03:43Is this worse than that?
03:44It was 2010, Charlie.
03:46Attitudes about drugs were very different back then.
03:50And I can't talk to you about it because it's a woman's problem.
03:57Would you feel more comfortable talking to a female therapist?
03:59I could ask Kate.
04:01Yeah, Kate would be perfect.
04:03She knows me and she knows you, my nature.
04:14Miss Sibbert?
04:15Oh, you must be Samantha's dad.
04:17So sorry I'm late.
04:18I was going to shoot you a text, but my dog ate the phone.
04:23No?
04:24No.
04:26Well, go ahead and have a seat.
04:28Yeah, the chairs are a lot bigger now that obesity is such a problem.
04:33Listen, I know you're really busy and I really appreciate you seeing me.
04:36It's just that my daughter Sam is having kind of a hard time in your class.
04:41Really?
04:42Well, she has a B average.
04:44A B is a very good grade.
04:45Oh, I know.
04:46I was one of those jocks who used to make fun of the guys who got Bs.
04:49In fact, the one time I got a B, I had to stick my own head in the toilet and
04:52give myself a swirly.
04:55And your daughter's different, I get it.
04:57But the only time I give A's is for truly outstanding work.
05:00I understand that grading essays is subjective.
05:03But if I can go home with a list of criteria that Sam could work toward to raise her grade,
05:07that would be great.
05:09Absolutely.
05:10I'd be happy to.
05:12Thanks.
05:14It's funny, my ex is afraid that this is going to be very confrontational.
05:17Oh, no.
05:18They always go really well.
05:20Except for the ones where the single dads come in and try to hit on me.
05:23I would never do that.
05:26Yeah.
05:31Uh, do you want me to do that?
05:33Oh, well, believe me, normally I would never even think about dating a parent.
05:38But in two weeks, I'm moving to Portugal to teach English.
05:42So it's not really an issue.
05:46Portugal?
05:46Yeah, so as long as we're discreet, I won't get in trouble and your daughter won't get embarrassed.
05:53Fine.
05:54If anyone asks.
05:55Portugal!
05:56That's our story.
05:59No, I mean, I really am moving to Portugal.
06:02Oh, yes, you are.
06:03That's what makes this okay.
06:05Oh, seriously, it's been a dream of mine ever since I studied Portuguese history in college.
06:09Wow, you have a whole backstory.
06:11That is a serious commitment.
06:13I guard the series un momento para parache ferrar.
06:17And you learned the language.
06:18How long are you waiting for me to come in here and complain about my daughter?
06:22Okay, you.
06:24So when are we getting together?
06:26How about tonight?
06:27Oh, gosh, I wish.
06:28But I've got a ton of papers to grade.
06:30Oh.
06:36Okay, ten more papers, and then I want to do that again.
06:42I gotta tell you, you have really set the bar high for parent-teacher conferences.
06:51So it's really awkward because I'm sitting there in group, and all I can think about is seeing Charlie naked.
06:56Has anything like that ever happened to you?
07:00Seeing Charlie naked?
07:01No, of course not.
07:01I've never seen Charlie naked.
07:03I mean, having a dream like that.
07:06Oh, right.
07:07Dream.
07:08But we all have strange dreams.
07:11Well, can you at least hypnotize me or give me some kind of drug that might make them stop?
07:17I'm afraid it's not that easy.
07:19So there's no drugs at all?
07:23No.
07:24Can you at least look into it?
07:28No.
07:28It's very natural to have dreams about someone in a position of power whom we admire.
07:34Oh.
07:35So what you're saying is I'm not really in love with Charlie.
07:39No.
07:40I'm talking about idol worship.
07:43Subconsciously, you're so impressed with Charlie's insights that you're imbuing him with a sexual prowess that matches what you believe
07:50to be his mental acuity.
07:52Wow, you are, like, super smart.
07:58And you are super observant.
08:03Now, here's what you're going to do.
08:05You're going to keep a dream journal.
08:06Uh-huh.
08:06Because once you gain control of these fantasies...
08:09Yeah.
08:10...they will no longer control you.
08:11Wow.
08:13Do everything I say.
08:14Okay.
08:16And your life will be better.
08:18That's awesome.
08:20Are you going to say something after everything I say?
08:23I don't think I can help it.
08:30Hey, Charles.
08:32You want to play some pool?
08:34Sorry, dude.
08:34I threw my back out.
08:36Aren't you going out tonight?
08:37Oh, I wish.
08:39You know, it's rough out there when a millionaire tech mogul like myself can't get a date.
08:44What, the thousand-year real estate agent wasn't working for you?
08:48No, that only got me attainable, age-appropriate women.
08:53What about you?
08:54You got something going on?
08:55Well, yeah.
08:56Yeah, I met someone really hot, but it's complicated.
08:59If she's hot, what's so complicated?
09:01I met her at Sam's school.
09:04Oh, cool.
09:06What grade?
09:09It's your teacher.
09:10Well, that's a more mature form of terrible judgment.
09:14I know, but no one's going to find out because you're moving to Portugal in a week.
09:17Thank God, because the woman is wearing me out.
09:20Every session is a marathon.
09:22How's the medal ceremony?
09:24Fantastic.
09:25It just takes forever to get her to the podium.
09:28Who do you pretend to be to get women like that?
09:30Navy SEAL, president, what?
09:32I just told her I was Sam's father.
09:35I'll try it, but I don't have high hopes.
09:38Look, just make sure that you are good in bed.
09:41Sam's grades might depend on it.
09:44What the hell are you talking about?
09:46You know what?
09:47I used to date my female karate instructor, but I never got my black belt.
09:51You know why?
09:52Because I was terrible in bed.
09:54In my defense, she'd spend the previous half hour trying to kick me in the balls, so...
09:58I was a little flinchy.
10:01That's just stupid.
10:03There's no way that my performance in bed is going to affect Sam's grades.
10:05So, the teacher hasn't made any comments?
10:08Well, yeah.
10:09I mean, last night she made a joke about me doing B-plus work, but so what?
10:13That wasn't a joke.
10:16Hey, Dad.
10:18Hey, sweetie.
10:19How are you?
10:19Not great.
10:21What's the matter?
10:21I worked so hard on this essay, and I only got a B-plus.
10:25B-plus, eh?
10:30It started out strong, but it left me wanting more.
10:34You were supposed to talk to her teacher?
10:36Did you go down there?
10:37Yeah, Charles.
10:38Did you go down there?
10:40Of course I went down there.
10:42How many times?
10:44Just the once, but I was very thorough.
10:46So you really gave it to her?
10:48Oh, yeah.
10:48You should have seen me.
10:49You'd have been proud of me.
10:51Look, Sam, Miss Hibbard's obviously a tough teacher, but if you keep pushing, I bet she'll
10:56finally give up that A.
10:58Well, I think that about covers it.
11:02Sam, I need to go over some stuff with Dad.
11:05Can you give us a minute?
11:07Sam, we love how driven you are, but if you ever failed, you know it's not the end of the
11:11world.
11:12That's the worst advice you've ever given me, Dad.
11:15That's not true.
11:16I told you to take ballet $5,000 ago.
11:25Her OCD is kicking in big time.
11:28I found a dust buster in her backpack.
11:30She says it's not hers, but every night she locks her bedroom door, and I know she's in
11:35there vacuuming the rug.
11:37You're saying that her daughter's doing rugs?
11:41Yeah, Charlie, your daughter has a rug problem.
11:44I mean, I gotta tell you, she's a mess.
11:46I don't know what it's going to take to get her an A.
11:50I don't either.
11:58So, did I do good, Ms. Hibbert?
12:03Well, Charlie, you did well.
12:08Sorry I took so long.
12:10Are you kidding?
12:11It was great.
12:12As long as the phone call I had to make in the middle of canceling an appointment didn't
12:14bother you.
12:16You're like a man on a mission tonight.
12:18I just wanted to make sure I aced that one.
12:23You're really getting up on this whole student-teacher thing, aren't you?
12:26Yeah, playing games is fun.
12:28I think I did pretty well on the test.
12:31And there's some stuff in the middle I was guessing on, but I think I still got an A.
12:35You're just going to have to wait for your report card, young man.
12:43Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
12:45I don't know.
12:46Are you feeling like you did permanent ligament damage to one of your fingers?
12:50What do you mean about us?
12:53Yeah, it's a shame that you have to go away in a few days.
12:56I think we really have something here.
12:59That's what I was thinking, too.
13:01So I canceled my plans for Portugal.
13:05Excuse me?
13:06I'm staying.
13:07But you can't.
13:09It'll be a disaster for the children of Portugal.
13:14They can wait.
13:15Do you know how hard it is to find a guy as patient and as generous as you?
13:19Do you know how hard it is to find someone who can translate Oliver Twist into Portuguese?
13:23Please, sir, may I have some moths, por favor?
13:27I know this is kind of a surprise, but we'll be fine as long as we're discreet.
13:32You're okay with this, right?
13:34Okay with you being Sam's teacher for the rest of the year?
13:37Yeah, and next year, too.
13:39They're moving me to the 10th grade.
13:41Wouldn't it be crazy if I was Sam's teacher for all four years?
13:49So looking back over your journal, have you noticed any patterns in your dreams?
13:53Well, there is one thing.
13:55In all of them, everything will be going along super normal.
13:58And then out of nowhere, someone will say something really sexual.
14:04I can see your panties.
14:06Yeah, just like that.
14:09No, really, I can see your panties.
14:12Oh, I'm so sorry.
14:13Don't apologize.
14:16I like it.
14:19It's happening.
14:23You are so hot.
14:26I know, right?
14:29I'm going to do this.
14:30Sure, why not?
14:35Seriously?
14:37What the hell is going on with me?
14:40Where did Kate get those shoes?
14:47Coming.
14:50Jen, we have to talk.
14:51What's wrong?
14:53Okay, how do I put this without freaking out?
14:57You know that thing where you're not supposed to sleep with your kid's teacher?
15:02Charlie!
15:03It's not my fault.
15:04She promised she'd have sex with me and then leave the country.
15:06I've been looking for that deal my whole life.
15:09You're disgusting.
15:10You're disgusting.
15:10And I'm exhausted.
15:12Do you have any idea what it's like to have sex with this woman?
15:15I feel like, who's the Greek guy who kept trying to push that giant rock up the hill?
15:20Syphilis.
15:22Dear God, I hope not.
15:26Why, Charlie?
15:27Was Sam's teacher?
15:28What were you thinking?
15:29Hey, okay, I know it was a bad call, but I figured two weeks, what could go wrong?
15:33And how was I supposed to know she'd be linking Sam's grades to my sexual performance?
15:37Oh, there's no way she's doing that.
15:39I know it sounds crazy, but she is.
15:42How did you get yourself into this situation?
15:45You're such a moron.
15:47I know.
15:49But don't worry.
15:50I'm going to break up with her.
15:51Oh, no, you're not.
15:52What?
15:54Sam's OCD's getting worse.
15:55She's driving me crazy.
15:56You're going to keep sleeping with this woman until Sam gets an A.
16:01You can't have my wife anymore.
16:02You can't just run around forcing me to sleep with people.
16:04I'm serious, Charlie.
16:06If she's petty enough to grade you in bed,
16:08she's petty enough to take it out on Sam if you break up with her.
16:12All right, fine.
16:14My back is messed up, my jaw is killing me,
16:16and I'm pretty sure that three of my tattoos are starting to rub off.
16:20Oh, by the way, B+, you're going to have to step it up, mister.
16:26For God's sakes, woman,
16:28I don't know what else there has to do with a penis.
16:31Years ago, I said the exact same thing to you,
16:33and I'm going to tell you what you told me.
16:36Baby, keep trying.
16:43Hey, Charlie.
16:45I know your teacher's coming over,
16:47but get a couple eggs.
16:48I'm making a cake.
16:50A cake?
16:51If you want to see what she looks like, just say so.
16:53I'm not that desperate.
16:55All right, fine.
16:58You're making a cake.
17:05There you go.
17:06What are those for?
17:09The cake.
17:10Oh, all right.
17:14She's not going to be here for another hour.
17:16Damn it.
17:21Oh, that's impossible.
17:23What happened?
17:24Sam got a D.
17:26That stupid teacher gave me a D.
17:29Screwing my daughter into a community college.
17:43Charlie?
17:45Charlie?
17:46Charlie!
17:48Oh, hey, come in.
17:49Come in.
17:50Sorry, I was just vacuuming.
17:52I don't know why.
17:54Is everything okay?
17:55Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:58Actually, no.
17:59I didn't ask you a question.
18:01Am I satisfying you?
18:04What do you mean?
18:07Well, I understand that sex is subjective,
18:09but if you could give me a list of criteria to work on
18:11to raise my grade, that would be awesome.
18:14You're doing great.
18:16Gold star for Charlie.
18:19Then why did Sam get a D?
18:21What?
18:22Oh, come on.
18:22We both know that you're giving Sam bad grades
18:24based on something God knows what
18:26that I'm not doing for you in bed.
18:29What kind of twisted person do you think I am?
18:32Obviously, if I knew, I'd be getting an A.
18:35You're insane.
18:36Am I?
18:38What about the B-plus you gave Sam
18:40the morning after you said I was a B-plus in bed?
18:42Well, that was a coincidence.
18:43You both did above average, but not excellent work.
18:48Oh, come on.
18:48My kid's never gotten a C in her life, let alone a D.
18:50You write her essay?
18:51I don't have to.
18:52I know what my kid's capable of.
18:53Well, I brought it with me to discuss with you
18:55because I was concerned about it.
18:57Read it.
19:00A Long Day's Journey Into Night
19:02is a play about a journey.
19:04A very important journey
19:06that goes so long it eventually turns into
19:10night.
19:12That's a D paper, Charlie.
19:15I don't understand.
19:16Why would Sam write a paper like this?
19:18Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you
19:20before you started accusing me
19:21of having absolutely no morals.
19:23Oh, my God.
19:24I feel like such an idiot.
19:27Of course I didn't get a D.
19:31Goodbye, Charlie.
19:33I'm sorry.
19:35If I did get a grade, what would it be?
19:40If it's an A, just ignore me and drive home.
19:44Yes.
19:48Hi, Swinney.
19:50Hey.
19:51Can we talk for a minute?
19:52Sure.
19:54Listen, I spoke to your teacher yesterday
19:56about your essay.
19:57I'm going to ask you one question
19:58and I want an honest answer.
20:00Okay.
20:02Did you let your mom write your paper for you?
20:05No.
20:06I wrote it.
20:07Wasn't it horrible?
20:09Any essay that ends with peace out
20:11is horrible.
20:14Why would you do that?
20:15I was thinking about what you said,
20:16that I need to let go of my need to be perfect,
20:18so I thought for this one paper,
20:20I would take it.
20:22Well, that's fantastic.
20:24I'm so proud of you.
20:25Congratulations.
20:27Carter McGarry got an A on it,
20:29but rumor has it his dad's sleeping with Miss Hebbard.
20:33Well, good luck to him.
20:39You see, dreams like this aren't really about sex.
20:41They're about power.
20:43I agree.
20:44It doesn't matter who the person is.
20:46If it's an authority figure,
20:47your subconscious is drawn to them.
20:50So what you're saying is
20:52I not only have anger issues with authority,
20:54I also want to please.
20:56Exactly.
20:59Okay, so now that I know about it,
21:01I won't have any more of these crazy dreams.
21:04Not so fast.
21:05You've still got some daddy issues to work through.
21:08You know,
21:15I just can't wait to see him.
21:16The end.
21:17The end.
21:19The end.
21:20The end.
21:24The end.
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