- 13 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E10
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TVTranscript
00:15do you notice how this James Brown is always getting somewhere he's getting up getting down
00:20getting back you know we should contact him I mean it's part of our mission to study life
00:24on this planet yes but according to this he's more of a machine a sex machine
00:30oh look it's the campus police is there um some kind of problem oh actually yes there's a star
00:37missing right there and we think we know who did it this is your family why yes that's exactly what
00:45we were going for Sally's the woman I'm the tall dashing man Tommy's the adolescent and Harry is
00:51the funny looking one I'm gonna have to see your driver's license please why we're not driving
00:56we're parked yeah but you're parked on university property oh I am university property here's my
01:03photo ID it's just my head but I assure you the rest of me is anatomically correct well Dr. Solomon
01:10it's
01:102 a.m. okay so let's pack this up move it out right away Dick what's a driver's license must
01:16be some
01:16kind of human validation we should get one if we're gonna blend in I'm on it listen it's that guy
01:25again
01:27it's amazing how does he sing like that Dick remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing
01:34I've changed my mind as many intelligent people aliens are all around us this is the story of four such
01:49explorers
01:49the story of the world
02:37where are you very well I can wait you're not watching me I'm not watching
02:44you you're somewhere in the room I can feel it what is it Nina here's the mail oh it's a
02:57letter for dr.
02:58Albright she'll hold this in her delicate hand insert a finger and rip through the mucilage
03:04she's just wonderful I knew you had a thing for her yes but I understand I'm not allowed to show
03:10it to her without her permission good morning dr. Albright good morning dr. Albright good morning
03:17dr. Solomon I was just thinking of you you were yes I have a meeting of the rules committee on
03:22Friday night and I just can't make it it's too late to try and get out of it now unless
03:27you can talk
03:27some idiot and to replace you look wonderful is that a new jacket I'm entirely new everyone on
03:38the rules committee wants to meet you really oh we all think of you as the resident genius oh please
03:44I need you to substitute for me you need me yeah I never dreamed that I would be the man
03:48you needed
03:50I need you desperately let me know if it's going to get any deeper I'm wearing open-toed shoes I'm
03:58not prepared oh it's a dull mindless group it's the night of the teaching dead maybe I could shake
04:04things up with some fresh ideas oh no no one there would recognize a fresh idea if it bit
04:08them on the ass just pass these out for me please all right I'll do it oh thanks you've saved
04:15me well
04:17I am a manly man well done another five minutes and he would have given me a kidney
04:31I can't believe how much we have to go through to get a license yeah then why are we here
04:39because
04:40I want one if I have to be the woman I'm not about to be stuck at home stay behind
04:46orange line that's
04:48why nobody ever gets to the window hey let's pull up the slack here oh there must be some sort
04:55of
04:55flesh melting force field at the orange line
05:05I'm sorry
05:08you know cars must have some huge power we haven't discovered yet look at this the lines the waiting
05:13the testing can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun next what is it
05:24they
05:24don't get that woman says next the first person goes to the window the second person moves to the
05:29orange line becoming first the third person becomes second and the rest of us pull up the slack
05:36there are just too many gaps in this line we should each only be a single person thickness apart
05:39good point I think everyone should hear it you think so okay people listen up and nobody gets hurt
05:57Tommy have you been sitting in that same chair all day let me think about this one yeah you're
06:04supposed to be experiencing human adolescent behavior well as an adolescent everything
06:09annoys me especially the sound of your voice right now yes you did don't try to blame did you get
06:17your driver's license we were thrown out but on the bright side we did outrun the police what went
06:22wrong everything what do people have to do on this planet to get what they want today dr. Albright
06:27wanted something for me all she did was ask what did she say she said she needed my help and
06:32I looked
06:32wonderful and I'm a genius she said that about you yes and you bought it I am the high commander
06:40wait a
06:42minute something about this doesn't wash she's doing something now I remember I read about this she's
06:49distorting the truth for Albright would never lie to me oh wake up and snort the coffee just because you
06:59don't lie doesn't mean people here don't we're colleagues I trust her I command you to be more like her
07:05like what like a woman
07:06fine I can woman permission to speak freely granted as the oldest member of this crew I feel it's my
07:14duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks in that order what is your problem something's
07:24wrong my transfer is not holding I'm growing hair and my armpits smell and there's a constant circus in
07:30my pants our old man is becoming a boy no I'm serious the seals broken and I'm losing oil look
07:39at
07:39this oh what is it it's a nipple I don't know but until we figure it out maybe you should
07:48sleep in the
07:48shower gentlemen we have a guest member of the rules committee with us tonight
07:59dr. Solomon would you care to share with us some of dr. Albright's feelings oh yes of course well
08:06first on behalf of dr. Albright I would like to say welcome to this big waste of time I say
08:12I've always
08:13wanted to put a face with those men whom she affectionately calls the night of the teaching dead
08:18and may I say you do not disappoint I can tell at a glance that you indeed are a mindless
08:23and dull group
08:24so I would like to start with a fresh idea that you won't recognize when it bites you on the
08:29ass
08:29excuse me does dr. Albright know you're speaking on her behalf don't move stay where you are
08:37dr. Solomon freeze he's still there
08:42oh you have a mole a big ugly mole
08:51well you're in early dr. Byron told me about your little speech sorry I missed it rest assured I
08:57gave you full credit what the hell are you trying to do ruin me it will take me weeks to
09:09repair the
09:10damage left in your wake weeks all you had to do was show up and feign interest
09:17feign I will not be a party to feigning I always tell the complete truth truth then I will be
09:23brutally
09:23frank good I'll be genuine dick I thought foolishly this would be a good opportunity for my colleagues to get
09:34to know you know what wanted to meet you I made that up so you lied I was bending the
09:41truth to flatter you there's a difference
09:43oh I see so when we met you said you were pleased to meet me was that a lie or
09:48truth bending figure of speech and when you said that you were impressed with my resume
09:52polite conversation when I moved in you said you didn't mind sharing your office
09:56diplomacy anything else yes is that really the color of your hair absolutely
10:04you're upset aren't you tell the truth yes I thought I could trust you I can't
10:11trust me you're the one who lied and tricked me no it's not how you lie to trick someone first
10:17you start by you have something on your tie
10:23very clever yes I see how that works you have something on your shoulder
10:35that's not how it works
10:37this is how it works your shirt tails on fire no no it's out your blouse is on fire
10:45don't move
10:56that was my fly I know
11:06on the subject of universal truth Albert Einstein once said
11:16any thoughts on that anyone yes Karen Dr. Solomon I think you were speaking German yes German Einstein spoke German
11:30okay I'll simplify
11:34scientific proof is nothing more than conditional truth we all understand what truth is
11:39don't we now I have three of Einstein's equations on the board two of them false and one is true
11:45who can spot the true one anyone
11:49how many of you think it's number one
11:52I'll give you a hint it's not number one
11:55here's another hint it's not number two how many of you think it's number three
11:58well you're wrong I lied I made them all up
12:02you see lying accomplishes nothing you can't trust someone who lies or you work with them you think you know
12:08them they ask you to substitute you make a fool of yourself they get mad
12:12and your sister can't even get a driver's license
12:15Dr. Solomon is this going to be on the final
12:19the point I'm making is you have to tell the absolute truth or else you just end up confusing people
12:25but Dr. Solomon sometimes you just can't tell the truth
12:29but why not
12:30anyone
12:31Leon
12:32I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the complete truth
12:35this won't affect my grade
12:39absolutely not what do you think of me
12:42I
12:42you make me really nervous
12:45I don't know what's going on half the time
12:48and when you walk around the room I'm always afraid you're gonna hit me in the back of the head
12:55thank you
12:57there you see
12:58the truth
13:01by the way Leon you're failing
13:03I thought you said it wouldn't affect my grade
13:06it didn't
13:12anybody
13:13how many
13:14oh hi
13:15I brought you folks your extra key
13:17yeah right
13:18good excuse
13:19just wanted to come up here and stare at pimple boy
13:23my poor kid
13:25I remember how it feels to be your age
13:27yeah
13:27I remember how it feels to be your age
13:32listen I'm gonna go out and get some smokes you wanna take a ride
13:35yeah whatever
13:37you know it's really not fair I can grow a pimple but not a mustache
13:40what's your secret
13:50Solomon Sally
13:50here
13:53you failed the written exam come back in three weeks
13:55I can't come back
13:56I can't
13:58sorry those are the rules
13:59I need a license now
14:00I'm the woman
14:08I really need your help
14:12you must be a genius
14:17your line is so big but it moves so fast
14:23well I do my best
14:25there's gotta be some way you can help me
14:28I mean I know you have a heart in that big hairy wonderful chest of yours
14:33I bet pretty girls beg you all the time huh
14:37okay you can take the test again
14:40thank you
14:43I could get very good at this
14:50hey what did you put under weight
15:00Tommy
15:00are you alright where have you been
15:02the mall Dick
15:03I was at the mall
15:05it may be the most emotionally satisfying place I've ever been
15:09were you able to observe other life forms
15:11definitely
15:12everybody there was as oily and disgusting as me
15:16it was a food court of mutants
15:18a catalogue of horrors
15:19a freak show
15:20and I was their lizard king
15:25what do you do when you're there
15:28hang
15:28what do you see
15:30stuff
15:32I belong now
15:33oh yeah
15:35stay out of my room
15:42Dick
15:42oh Dick look
15:43I got my driver's license
15:45according to this you're a 55 year old 300 pound Asian woman
15:51and an organ donor
15:54a dick
15:56I got my driver's permit too
15:57yes I expected you would
16:01I just want to say that I not only accomplished my goal but
16:05I discovered a softer place within myself
16:08and it is all because of you and your extraordinary ability to command
16:12thank you lieutenant
16:13you have so many facets to admire
16:15time prohibits my naming them all
16:18shall I speak of your courage
16:21how you've led a ragtag crew of misfits across the galaxies fueled by your brave spirit
16:29or shall I confess
16:31that your boyish good looks are stunted only by your personal bigness
16:37where to begin simply exhausts my feminine mind
16:42what are you doing
16:43lying
16:46you like it
16:48it's incredible I love it
16:50really
16:51yes
16:51how did you do it
16:52oh anybody can do it look at me I've just done it once and here I am whipping it out
16:55there
16:56wow
16:58I thought the truth was potent but it's nothing compared to this
17:02this makes me feel powerless and susceptible
17:07I'm ready to yield to your every
17:10I've got to find Dr. Albright
17:11this is Wednesday she calls it over the hump day
17:16I don't know what that means but I know where she humps
17:20Tommy we're going out
17:21I'll drive
17:21no I'll drive
17:22Dick Harry called it
17:23shotgun
17:24I don't want to ride in the back
17:25Bobby called it
17:30Dr. Albright
17:30hello
17:32hello
17:33sorry we don't have a chair for you
17:34not a problem
17:37you know Dr. Byron
17:38yes of course
17:40you know you really should have that thing removed it's all I can look at
17:43excuse me
17:46looks like there's just the two of us
17:47I'll have a picture of that stuff
17:50is he a driver's license?
17:51oh you bet you can
17:53okay
17:54Mrs. Wu
17:58I discovered something today and I really need to try it out
18:01Thorazine I'll get you some water
18:06you see you know these things
18:08you're so smart and your
18:11your looks your looks are like a beer tap
18:15a golden rush of drunken beauty with a nice head
18:19which spills all down your blouse leaving you sweet and pungent
18:28that was pathetic
18:30well I'm sorry I'm not as good a liar as you are
18:33well I'm sorry I'm leaving
18:35wait you're not finished with me yet
18:38don't mind we're talking
18:42okay
18:43you win
18:44what is it?
18:45I've realized something
18:46I can't lie to you
18:48I wish I could it's just not something that I'm good at like like
18:52actually I'm good at everything
18:54can I tell you the truth?
18:56why not?
18:57the real truth is
18:59you're delightful
19:01I love looking into your face
19:03I don't know what it is about you this evening
19:06maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes
19:08maybe it's the wine
19:10but you look puffy you should go home and sleep
19:17is that better?
19:20sadly yes
19:23may I walk you home and be honest?
19:26okay
19:36you know
19:38if someone had told me a year ago
19:40that I'd be driving a car
19:41and sucking the flesh off a dead bird
19:45I'd have called him a liar
19:47being human is far more complex than I thought
19:51there is no absolute personal truth here
19:53and these bodies don't come with an owner's manual
19:56so everyday these people have to make up life
19:59and truth becomes highly individual
20:02oh my god Dick
20:04what if this lying thing falls into the hands of the politicians?
20:10that's a horrifying thought
20:13I think these humans bend the truth because
20:15this is a difficult place to live
20:18it's a lonely blue dot on the far end of the galaxy
20:22and all the half-truths and flattery and diplomacy
20:25are the lubricant that people spread on each other
20:28to get over the rough spots
20:30it's a lot easier on our planet
20:31no one ever lies
20:34except of course when you don't want to help somebody move
20:37I was sick that day
20:38I helped you move
20:39I have two boxes
20:40who packed the box?
20:42okay listen if we're gonna have
20:43here
20:45I'd give you a couple of other things
20:47hey
20:53you
20:55are you
21:00have your choice
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