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TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E08
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00:02Aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend
00:07in, they have assumed human form. This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts, a
00:15decorated military officer, seasoned intelligence specialist, and, well, they have an extra seat. The Earth is covered with a deep,
00:24hard crust, although it does have a wonderful, chewy center.
00:57Is it cable yet? Hey, hey, is it cable?
01:00You're wired.
01:02This is the second most exciting thing I've ever held in my hand.
01:08Harry, you ready to go?
01:09Oh, Dick, we've got cable, 72 channels, and unlike primitive free television, this one you get to pay for.
01:17That's nice.
01:19Sally, are you finishing the bathroom yet?
01:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:22You live in an attic? You're poor? That's so cool.
01:27Thanks.
01:28Hi.
01:29Who's that?
01:30This is Cheryl. She's a cheerleader.
01:32What?
01:32Show them a cheer.
01:33Oh, not in front of all these people.
01:35Come on, come on.
01:35Okay.
01:39Wee!
01:40Okay!
01:43R!
01:44Wee!
01:45Gwem!
01:46Gwess!
01:46R-A-M-S!
01:48Let's go grams!
01:49Woo!
01:51All right.
01:54So, she's proud of her spelling.
01:57Um, I'll meet you in the kitchen. We can study in there.
02:00Tommy, what happened to August?
02:02August? Well, August is bright and intelligent and funny, and I love to be with her, but Cheryl's easy.
02:09So you're jeopardizing a meaningful relationship for pure physical pleasure.
02:13Exactly.
02:14Very well. Carry on.
02:15Thank you, sir.
02:17Sally, here's your coat.
02:18Now, I want you to be on your best behavior. This is a party in honor of Leonard Hanlon.
02:22Why? Nobody likes him.
02:23They hate him, but they honor him. It's a human phenomenon that I find fascinating.
02:30Behind his back, they deride him, but to his face, they kiss his ass.
02:34Well, that's just the kind of stunt you can see only on cable.
02:39Plus, we got sports, music, movies. Oh, and look.
02:42El Mundo PacĂfico.
02:44El Mundo PacĂfico presentando algo. A su perro le costarĂa todo el dĂa.
02:49Ah, es muy bueno.
02:51No, no es bueno. DĂ©jenmelo.
02:54Venga, vamos a la fiesta.
02:55Ah, necesitamos ir. ¿Por qué?
02:56Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Si yo voy, tĂș vas.
02:59Ah, un momentito. ¿Qué lengua hablamos?
03:02Español.
03:03ÂżCuĂĄl es la lengua oficial del Ohio?
03:07¿Inglés?
03:07¿Inglés? Entonces hablamos inglés.
03:09Oh, English, Spanish, French.
03:11Oh, I know, I know.
03:14Earth, go figure.
03:20Dr. Hanlon, it is an honor to have you here.
03:22Well, thank you, Dean Sumner.
03:24And you, be a pleasant toady and bring me another one of those, would you?
03:29Dr. Hanlon, we so admire your accomplishments.
03:33Well, I admire your courage, Mrs. Sumner.
03:37An Audubon print over the mantle passing for art.
03:41That takes guts.
03:45Look who I found. It's Dr. Solomon.
03:47Well, an honest man in a den of bootlickers.
03:51Not that I don't enjoy having my boots licked.
03:54It's just that I find you all contemptible.
03:58So, tell me, Dick, what do you think of my work?
04:00A mechanistic and disturbingly fascist,
04:02but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.
04:07I think it's groundbreaking.
04:08I don't need the opinion of a water boy with tenure.
04:12I'm talking to my friend.
04:15No, I like you, Solomon.
04:17Well, I don't like you.
04:20But I don't think anybody hates me more than your friend, Dr., um...
04:25Albright.
04:26Yes.
04:27Probably because I turned her down.
04:29I need something from the bar.
04:31Yes, that should solve all your problems.
04:33Well then, let's get drinking.
04:37Excuse me.
04:38Can I help you?
04:39Well, somebody said there was a giant flaming jackass over here.
04:45They put it out.
04:48I hate that man.
04:50I wish there was some way he could be...
04:53Nicer?
04:54No, dead.
04:56Wow.
04:57You're published again.
04:58Congratulations.
05:00Nina?
05:00What are you doing here?
05:02You're a secretary.
05:09You're Dr. Solomon's sister.
05:11You're a lot better looking than he is.
05:14Hey, I'm up here.
05:17Yes, all women would like to think that.
05:21How would you like to have your eyeballs in the bottom of a martini glass?
05:25Because I can do it.
05:26Oh, the Amazon's going to manhandle me.
05:34You're not worth the broken nail.
05:43Dr. Hanlon?
05:45Dr. Hanlon?
05:46Somebody call 911.
05:49I think he's dead.
05:51Oh, no.
05:52Dr. Albright!
05:53You got your wish!
06:04Okay, so the kinds of triangles are isosceles, equilateral, scalene, and what's the other one?
06:10Why do I have to know this if I'm going to be a teacher?
06:18You want a soda?
06:19Okay.
06:21Um, there's juice, too, if you'd rather have that, or water.
06:24Hi.
06:28August, you're here.
06:31Yeah, we have a science project, remember?
06:33Um, yeah.
06:35Right.
06:35I think I want a soda.
06:36Oh, hello, Augie.
06:43Cheryl.
06:44There's something different about you.
06:46Is it your hair?
06:48No.
06:49Oh, you're holding a book.
06:56Tommy, could you hurry up?
06:58I'm really thirsty.
07:02Cheryl's helping me with my math homework.
07:06She is.
07:08You know, if you want to hang out with Cheryl, that's okay.
07:11We haven't made any serious declarations of our feelings, so there isn't the issue of ownership.
07:16But, and just like Cheryl, this is a big but.
07:20You can at least be honest with me.
07:22Oh, no, August, wait.
07:23August, hold on.
07:24I'm sorry.
07:25August, I'm sorry.
07:29Hello?
07:31I thought you were bringing me something to drink.
07:33Oh, right.
07:34Sorry.
07:35Sorry.
07:36Sorry.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry.
07:42I can't believe this.
07:43I've never seen anybody die before.
07:45I know.
07:46It's amazing.
07:47One minute he's active, and the next he's inert.
07:50First he's limber, and then he's stiff.
07:52His eyes are twinkly, then they're milky.
07:55He's rosy, then sallow, oily, then dry, gurgly, then silent.
07:58Now you stop!
08:02Dick, Dick, we have a problem.
08:04What?
08:05I killed him.
08:07Oh, that's just right.
08:10Didn't I say best behavior?
08:12He never meant to kill him.
08:13No, no.
08:13Why can't you be like Dr. Albright?
08:15She wanted him dead, but did she act on it?
08:16No.
08:17Because she's a lady.
08:22The police are here.
08:23We've got to get out of here.
08:24We will.
08:24Just walk out calmly.
08:26Okay.
08:26Here we go.
08:28Look casual.
08:35No.
08:36No, no.
08:37I think we all know why Dr. Hanlon died.
08:43He had a bad heart.
08:44He ignored his doctor's advice.
08:47He brought it on himself.
08:48Oh, thank God!
08:49Yes!
08:50Let's eat from the ride!
08:55Promise me something.
08:57What?
08:59Promise me that you'll never do what Dr. Hanlon did at the party.
09:02Feel up the caterer?
09:05Promise me you'll never collapse and be hauled away under a sheet.
09:10Because the thought of you lying there, purple, rigid, and distended,
09:15just makes me so sad.
09:19Okay.
09:22You know what we should do right now?
09:24Run out of here, grab a couple of horses, ride bare back through the woods all night,
09:28and make love in a meadow at sunrise.
09:32I'm class in five minutes, and that's just the first of my reservations.
09:38Let's forget class!
09:40Let's live!
09:41Let's taste danger!
09:43Let's go for the gusto!
09:44Consequences be damned!
09:46Let's dry fast and eat cheese!
09:50Are you insane?
09:53I've simply awakened to the sensual possibilities of everything around me.
10:02You know, I think she's fully inflated.
10:06What is it, Nina?
10:07This letter just came for you.
10:09It's from Dr. Hanlon.
10:11Dear Dr. Solomon, if you are reading this, it means that I am dead.
10:16As one honest man to another, it is my dying wish that you deliver an honest eulogy without any embellishment
10:22or flattering crap.
10:24An honest eulogy.
10:26I can do that.
10:27No, you can't.
10:29An honest eulogy for that man would be insulting.
10:32Well, I'll just have to find something to say about him that's both honest and uplifting.
10:37Oh, how about we love him more today than yesterday?
10:43S-P-I-R-I-T
10:46Got the spirit, let's hear it.
10:48Got the spirit, let's hear it.
10:48S-P-I-R-I-T
10:51Got the spirit, let's hear it.
10:52Got the spirit, let's hear it.
10:53Oh, God.
10:55Oh, God.
10:59She's got the spirit, isn't she wonderful?
11:02Yeah, the magic never ends.
11:05Mrs. Ducek, did you hear this?
11:07Yes, yes, I heard it.
11:07I don't know what is going on up here, but I have plaster falling into my jacuzzi.
11:11Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
11:18Take it outside.
11:19Later, Tommy.
11:22So, Tommy, can't find fulfillment in a meaningless relationship with a superficial, simple-minded bimbo?
11:28Wow.
11:29I know, I'm just as baffled as you are.
11:34Mrs. Ducek, have you ever been involved in funeral arrangements?
11:39Well, not for myself, for my second husband.
11:43Lovely funeral, very nice.
11:46I've been working on this eulogy.
11:48What was his like?
11:49Well, it was an outdoor service, and then this woman came along asking for directions because she was lost and
11:55she couldn't find her way home.
11:56And we were so touched that we just forgot about Carl's eulogy and just planted him.
12:05So, I just need to find some babbling eccentric to create a diversion.
12:11What are you doing on Saturday?
12:15You're just lucky you're so damn-dibbly handsome.
12:22Why does death have to be so inconvenient?
12:25To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream.
12:32Oh, there's the rub.
12:36For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.
12:43When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause.
12:50What's that from?
12:51I don't know, some Mel Gibson movie.
12:56Mel Gibson, he's dreamy.
13:06If we measure X in grams and Y in centimeters per second, then Z is measured in a unit of
13:12energy we call ERGS.
13:14The complete conversion of one gram of mass into energy, thus releases one times three times ten to the tenth
13:20power squared, which brings me to another point.
13:23Your lives are fragile and you're all going to die.
13:29Your time is short and I barely know any of you.
13:35Close your books.
13:38I want to sit among you.
13:40I want to share your thoughts, learn your fears, expose your darkest secrets.
13:46Who's first?
13:47Bug, what about you?
13:49Why are you called Bug?
13:51I get hit by a Volkswagen.
13:56And Leon?
13:57What?
13:57Where are you from?
13:58Here.
14:00You see, this is fascinating.
14:02Who's next?
14:03A Pittman.
14:04What about you, Dr. Solomon?
14:06Where are you from?
14:11Okay.
14:14I'm sure that you've all heard of the radio telescope.
14:17Well, funny story, true story.
14:21I'm not human.
14:24Well, that's all the time we have.
14:26Oh, and, uh, by the way, I assume that some of you have taken a class from Dr. Hanlon.
14:30Does anyone have any stories about him?
14:32Oh, good.
14:33I need something nice.
14:35Oh, sorry.
14:40I know that it was his final request that I be forthright and honest, but the problem is, I can't
14:46seem to find anything good to say about this man.
14:48And I, and I've been looking.
14:50Well, you know, Dick, everyone has goodness within them.
14:56If you look beneath the surface far enough, I think you're going to discover a basic inner core of goodness
15:04that, well, makes us all children of God.
15:07Well, I guess I'll just have to try to find that in Dr. Hanlon.
15:14Leonard Hanlon?
15:26Oh, wow, good luck.
15:34Listen, August, about Cheryl, I just...
15:37No, no, look, we used to be involved.
15:40That's over.
15:40I'm okay with that.
15:42Now, let's not let it affect our academic relationship.
15:46No, I, I made a mistake with her.
15:48See, I don't want Cheryl.
15:50I want you.
15:51Of course you want me.
15:56What can I do to fix this?
15:58You could take me someplace nice.
16:02All right, um, okay.
16:05There's this thing I got to go to tomorrow afternoon because my dad knew this guy.
16:11It's, um, you have to dress up because it's, it's really, really nice.
16:16Sure.
16:20So when they asked me to come to Earth, I thought, why not?
16:23I was in a rut, working for the big giant head.
16:29You know him.
16:30Hurry!
16:32Uh, just a minute.
16:37Who are you talking to?
16:39Nobody.
16:42Dr. Hanlon.
16:46How, how did he get here?
16:47I gave him a ride.
16:52This isn't Dr. Hanlon anymore.
16:54It's an empty vessel.
16:56See, if he were alive, could I do this?
17:00Could any man alive resist a fresh banana?
17:05I rest my kids.
17:07So, but Dick, when our mission ends and we leave this planet, will our bodies end up like that?
17:13Of course.
17:14It's happened a million times.
17:16We study a planet.
17:17We take on the life forms.
17:18We finish the job.
17:19We discard the life forms.
17:20The end.
17:21Dick, I feel different here.
17:23I mean, I like Sally.
17:25What will happen to her when I'm gone?
17:27What happens to all her stuff?
17:29All her shoes.
17:33You won't care.
17:35Because the thing that's really you will be in another galaxy.
17:38And Sally will be just like Dr. Hanlon.
17:43Whoa, Dick, he's going for the banana.
17:50I need to run this eulogy by you.
17:52Oh, just say whatever you're going to say.
17:53No, no, no.
17:53I think I found a positive angle.
17:55Office space is at a premium on this campus, so you'll be happy to hear that...
17:59Stop!
17:59Stop!
18:00The man is dead!
18:02I have to start.
18:06See how nice it is?
18:11This is the thing for the guy you invited me to?
18:15Yeah.
18:19What?
18:32How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlon?
18:48He was governed by the laws of physics, as are all living things.
18:56It is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point
19:04at which matter is converted into energy.
19:07Dr. Hanlon's heart approached that speed on Friday evening at 7.57, according to the coroner, converting his matter into
19:19energy, into pure white light.
19:25He is no longer with us.
19:29Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.
19:31He is no longer with us.
19:32He is no longer with us.
19:38He is no longer with us.
20:07The fact that someday we'll lose these bodies makes me want more.
20:12Or I want to share myself with someone.
20:15And I think we all know who.
20:18I want to savor every moment.
20:21I want to see places outside of Ohio.
20:24I want one of those big cheeseburgers with three buns.
20:29I want one of those things.
20:32You see people with them.
20:34You know, they're like this big.
20:35A baby?
20:36Yeah.
20:38Aren't you kind of stuck with a baby for your whole life?
20:41No, you only have a baby for like two years.
20:47Men.
20:50Dick, when are we going to leave these bodies?
20:52When we've learned everything there is to know about life.
20:58Well, good thing we got cable.
21:03Life is just a bowl of cherries.
21:07So live and laugh at it all.
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