- 1 day ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E03
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TVTranscript
00:00As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
00:04This is the story of a band of four such explorers.
00:06In order to blend in, they've assumed human form.
00:10This is the High Commander.
00:12He has assembled an elite team of experts,
00:15a decorated military officer,
00:17a seasoned intelligence specialist,
00:19and, well, they had an extra seat.
00:23The Earth revolves around the Sun.
00:26I'll ask most humans, and they'll say it revolves around them.
00:30¶¶
00:31¶¶
01:00Oh, it's such a beautiful night.
01:03Harry!
01:04Why don't you come out and look at the stars with us?
01:06Oh, no.
01:08You're not putting me out for the night again.
01:10¶¶
01:11Fool me once, shame on you.
01:14Fool me six times, shame on me.
01:17¶¶
01:18What are you babbling about now?
01:20Oh, it's just something I learned from this self-help tape
01:22I bought at the yard sale down the block.
01:24¶¶
01:24Dr. Martin Blaine's path to personal transformation
01:27say yes to you.
01:28This is gonna help me solve my confidence problem.
01:31Why do you have a confidence problem?
01:32What, are you stupid?
01:35Tommy, why aren't you looking at the stars?
01:37I have too much studying to do, Dick.
01:38You know, your homework is taking up
01:39way too much of your time.
01:41Yeah, tell me about it.
01:42Now they've changed phys ed to health class,
01:44and I have to memorize 287 different body parts.
01:47You have an owner's manual?
01:50Well, um, here's a picture of all the different organs
01:54in our abdominal cavity.
01:55Oh!
01:57You know, I read someplace
01:59that you can stretch a man's nerve endings
02:01from New York to San Francisco,
02:03but he would die.
02:06Look, here's a section on virginity and abstinence.
02:10I haven't experienced sex yet,
02:12so I guess that makes me a virgin.
02:15Congratulations.
02:16Thanks.
02:17It feels kind of weird, you know?
02:19I mean, I'm proud of it,
02:20but I'm also a little embarrassed.
02:22Is there anything that men have
02:24that they're both proud and ashamed of
02:25at the same time?
02:28No, rolling a blank.
02:38Ezekiel begat Jedediah.
02:40Jedediah begat Ephraim.
02:41Ephraim begat Lemuel.
02:43Man, these people begat their brains out.
02:47Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
02:48Yeah.
02:49When's your birthday?
02:50My what?
02:51I'm updating the office birthday list.
02:52When's your birthday?
02:53Do I have to tell you?
02:54What?
02:55Are you pleading the fifth?
02:56The fifth sounds fine.
02:57This month.
02:58Ah, that's this Monday.
03:01How old will you be?
03:02Why do I have to tell you a specific number?
03:04Are you keeping score?
03:05Well, if you're gonna get sensitive, never mind.
03:08I just don't see why age is so important.
03:09Hmm.
03:10I guess you've got a milestone creeping up on you.
03:12Uh, no.
03:13No, that's my underwear.
03:16Good morning.
03:17Hello, Dr. Albright.
03:18Ah, Lori.
03:19Dr. Solomon.
03:20Lori Ivers.
03:21Hello.
03:22Hello.
03:22Why, you have a firm handshake.
03:24Thanks.
03:25Lori's visiting the campus for a few days.
03:26You are in really excellent condition.
03:30I work out a lot.
03:31Well, I can tell.
03:32It's very firm.
03:34Lori's studying for her doctorate in anthropology.
03:37She's considering coming here to Pendleton.
03:39Well, well, you've chosen a very mediocre institution,
03:41and we'd love to have you.
03:43Thanks.
03:44Would you, uh, shake my hand again?
03:47Um, I suppose.
03:49Oh.
03:51Uh, Nina, why don't you take Lori to the library
03:55to show her the Inca exhibit?
03:57Exhibit is three coins and a spoon.
03:59Oh, don't spoil it for her.
04:01Just take her.
04:03It was nice meeting you.
04:04What a coincidence.
04:05It was nice meeting you.
04:09Oh, will you act your age?
04:11What does my age have to do with it?
04:12Like you didn't know.
04:14I don't know.
04:14Well, I do.
04:15What are we talking about?
04:17All I know is that when I was Lori's age,
04:20I did not appreciate having middle-aged men fawn over me.
04:23You were once her age?
04:28Yes, believe it or not.
04:29Very well.
04:30Not it is.
04:39Now, you say Mrs. Dupchek brought it to us?
04:41Uh-huh.
04:43What do you think it wants?
04:47What is it trying to tell us?
04:49Yeah.
04:50The thing that scares me the most are the little oranges in its stomach.
05:00Hello, I'm Dr. Martin Blaine.
05:02Come join me on a path to personal transformation.
05:05Say yes to you.
05:06Yes.
05:08First of all, you should learn to be comfortable talking about yourself.
05:12When asked your name, you should say it loud and clear.
05:14Let's try this out.
05:15What's your name?
05:17That's a great name.
05:20What is your primary goal?
05:22Harry Solomon.
05:24Harry!
05:25Harry!
05:26Harry, come in here.
05:29What's that?
05:30Don't worry.
05:31We've killed it.
05:33Sit down.
05:34We have to talk.
05:35What is it?
05:36There's an important detail that we forgot to attend to.
05:38We need birthdays.
05:39Oh, no, thank you.
05:40This guy I saw at a restaurant had a birthday.
05:42They set his food on fire and then blew on it.
05:46Well, nevertheless, we have to have them.
05:48And we have to know how old we are.
05:49For some reason, we're expected to act our age.
05:51And we don't even know what that is.
05:53How are we supposed to figure it out?
05:54Well, we're smart.
05:55Well, guess.
05:55How old would you say I am?
05:57I'm going to say 35.
06:01What's so funny?
06:03I don't know.
06:03It just kind of sounds ridiculous.
06:05Okay, 39.
06:06Hello.
06:07Come on.
06:07Go on.
06:0840?
06:09Honestly.
06:1040 would.
06:125, 5, 5.
06:1445.
06:15Okay.
06:1645's fine.
06:17Body's broken in.
06:18Still solid.
06:19Not too old to have sex.
06:22Uh, uh, commander, permission to speak freely.
06:25Permission granted.
06:27Humans over 35 cannot have sex.
06:29No.
06:29Give it up.
06:30It's over.
06:31Well, why?
06:33They have the same equipment.
06:34Because it's gross.
06:34That's why.
06:36Well, how old are you?
06:3714.
06:38Well, can you have sex?
06:39Well, I'm not supposed to.
06:40Why not?
06:41Apparently, I have my whole life ahead of me.
06:46Dick, can I be 70?
06:48Why?
06:49Well, that Paul Newman guy is 70,
06:51and people are always saying that he looks great.
06:53Nice.
06:54Done.
06:55You're 70.
06:55And?
06:57You look great.
07:00Okay.
07:01Sally, how old are you?
07:02Well, whatever the perfect age is, I'm it.
07:06I mean, maybe I got stuck with being a woman,
07:08but at least I'm in my prime.
07:10Check out how firm this is, huh?
07:13You know, if I was a guy, I'd be all over me right now.
07:19If I was a guy, I would be, too.
07:27Now that you boys are going through the road to manhood,
07:29I'm sure many of you have noticed certain feelings.
07:34What is it, Solomon?
07:36What kind of feelings?
07:37You don't kind of feelings.
07:38No, I don't.
07:40You'll know them when you get them.
07:42Now, they're perfectly normal.
07:44For God's sake, don't act on them.
07:46Sorry, you're losing me.
07:48You play sports, you focus on your schoolwork,
07:51and when you take a shower, you wash your hair
07:53and get the hell out of there.
07:56Oh, you're talking about sex!
07:58Yes.
07:59Great!
08:00Hey, tell me exactly how it's done.
08:06Well, you're, uh, man, and you're male, and you're female.
08:11They have these certain parts that are, uh...
08:15How do you call, uh...
08:19Complimentary to each other.
08:22These parts come into play.
08:26And that's how we all were born.
08:29I'm sorry, but can we get somebody who's actually had sex
08:32to teach this class?
08:38Thanks for showing me around the campus today.
08:41You know, you are really a lot of fun.
08:43I know.
08:44Corey, I was having a discussion with a young man last night.
08:48He said that someone my age was too old to...
08:51Well, just too old.
08:54That is so typical of our culture.
08:55You know, in many ancient societies,
08:58like the Incas,
08:59age was worshipped and revered.
09:02That's all I'm asking for.
09:05Exactly when does puberty end for a man?
09:08Six months after death.
09:12Guys my age are always trying to prove something.
09:15Not like older men.
09:18They've been there.
09:19They've done it.
09:20It shows.
09:23Like you, you've really got your head together.
09:25Actually, it came that way.
09:30Well, I better get moving.
09:33You are moving.
09:34Everything on this planet is moving.
09:37You are so clever.
09:40Well, bye, Dr. Albright.
09:42Bye.
09:44See ya.
09:45Because you're still looking.
09:55You can breathe now.
09:58Hey.
09:59If you could change one thing about me,
10:01what would it be?
10:04Nothing.
10:06Bingo.
10:09Doesn't get any better than this, huh?
10:11Check this out.
10:12See how this curves in right here?
10:14Right?
10:15Watch this.
10:16Upsy-daisy.
10:17Springs back just like a cat.
10:22Lori says that men my age should be worshipped and revered,
10:25like the Incas.
10:26Don't you think that's right?
10:28Oh, yes.
10:29The Incas would take a prominent man,
10:33like you,
10:34and they would anoint him with oils,
10:36adorn him with robes,
10:38and then the high priest would cut him up,
10:40and then ram a stick in his head
10:43and parade the head through the burgeon.
10:45And the young burgeons would throw flowers at him.
10:50What kind of flowers?
10:54Well, it says here that this is guaranteed
10:57to restore your natural luster.
10:59Oh, Dick,
11:00you're getting your luster back.
11:03Wonderful.
11:03How much longer?
11:04Oh, uh, two minutes.
11:06Welcome back to the Miss Universe pageant.
11:09And now we continue with our parade of nations.
11:12Miss Finland.
11:13Well, they only have contestants from Earth.
11:16I think this pageant is fixed.
11:19Women should be enormous.
11:21Miss Universe should have her own gravitational pull.
11:24I think I'm feeling it.
11:27My primary goal is to meet Miss Finland.
11:30I will meet Miss Finland.
11:33I deserve to meet Miss Finland.
11:37Ooh, check out the yabos on Miss Tunisia.
11:39I deserve those yabos.
11:43These women, they're all vibrant, healthy, strong, young.
11:48They're just like Sally.
11:49You know, I've been thinking about this.
11:51Every time I turn on the TV or open a magazine,
11:53I see people like me.
11:56All the ads are aimed at me.
11:58I am what counts.
11:59I think you're full of something, Lieutenant.
12:02No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:03If I don't watch a TV show, it's canceled.
12:05I don't like a soft drink, history.
12:07If I don't like a certain feminine product with wings,
12:10they'll make one with a propeller.
12:13I am the target demographic.
12:16Face it, Dick.
12:17I'm young, hot, and all-powerful.
12:21You just said yes to you.
12:24I'm done.
12:27How do I look?
12:29Um, Dick, um...
12:32Okay, if somebody were, uh, helping you with an experiment
12:35and things went awry
12:36and you became horribly disfigured,
12:39you wouldn't hold it against them, now, would you?
12:41Why? What happened?
12:42Nothing.
12:43Destroy all the mirrors now!
12:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
12:46I've got to see!
12:48Oh, my God!
12:51I'm gorgeous!
12:52I'm gorgeous!
13:03Good morning, Nina.
13:06Well, good morning.
13:08I was going to ask what you did this weekend,
13:10but I think it's painfully clear.
13:12And, by the way, happy birthday.
13:16Oh.
13:21Mmm.
13:26Brace yourself.
13:29Hello!
13:30Oh, my God!
13:32What's the matter?
13:34Nothing.
13:37Lori called me last night.
13:39Really?
13:40What did she say?
13:44What was that?
13:47What?
13:48Brr...
13:51That's squeaking.
13:53I have no idea.
13:55Brr...
14:08What did Lori say when you talked to her?
14:29She's decided to come here next year.
14:32Oh, isn't that nice?
14:35Brr...
14:38Um...
14:39Could you walk over there and get me that pencil?
14:47But you have one right on your desk.
14:49I know, but...
14:51I need that one.
14:54Okay.
14:55Okay.
15:08Oh.
15:09I got you a birthday card.
15:12Happy birthday.
15:13You look like a million dollars.
15:16Oh.
15:17Old and wrinkled.
15:20What kind of a cruel hoax is this?
15:23It's a Hallmark card.
15:24A Hallmark of Degradation.
15:27First line lulled me into a false sense of security.
15:30And the second line ripped out my heart and slapped me across the face with it, awakening me to harsh
15:34reality.
15:35It's an old joke.
15:37For an old fool.
15:38Well, I want no part of it.
15:40I'm leaving.
15:41While I still have my dignity.
15:44Oh.
15:45Oh.
15:47Oh.
15:48Oh.
15:49Oh.
15:50Oh.
15:51Oh.
15:51Oh.
15:52Oh.
15:52Oh.
15:52Oh.
15:53Oh.
15:53Oh.
16:01Congratulations.
16:02You have completed your path to personal transformation.
16:05Say yes to you.
16:07Yes.
16:08And never forget.
16:09When the world gets you down, stay positive.
16:12I'm almost completely sure that I will.
16:17Damn! A wrinkle!
16:24I've peaked!
16:29The truth is, time measured in years would have no significance at all
16:33if a second-rate sun hadn't pulled this planet into the little suck party we call gravity,
16:38causing everything on it to wither and die.
16:42Thoughts on that? Bug?
16:44Doesn't look dyed to me.
16:49Let me simplify.
16:51If a year is not a year anywhere but Earth, what does that make time in the universe?
16:56Leon, time is what?
16:58Don't think, Leon, just answer. Time is what? Take a shot. Go!
17:02Time is relative?
17:05My God, Leon, you're right!
17:08My head hurts.
17:11Leon, I have a follow-up question.
17:15Sorry, time is up.
17:17Oh, and by the way, you're all 55 minutes older.
17:22Dr. Solomon.
17:24Lori.
17:25I couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
17:27And I couldn't say goodbye without your leaving.
17:31Oh, you changed your hair.
17:33Finally, someone noticed.
17:35Lori, car's outside.
17:37Oh, I'll be right there.
17:39Who's that?
17:39Oh, that's Doug. He's my boyfriend.
17:41But I thought you only liked older men.
17:43I do.
17:44He's 29.
17:47Bye.
17:57Dr. Solomon.
17:59There you are.
18:00Remember, we were supposed to meet in your office.
18:02Oh, forgive me.
18:03My tired brain forgotten.
18:05While your youthful synapses stored the information and retrieved them like a flash.
18:10Okay.
18:11I'll come back.
18:13Leon, let me ask you something.
18:16Let's say that two people of different ages met at a university.
18:21One is older but dashing, the other youthful and stimulating.
18:24They obviously enjoy each other's company, but the age difference keeps asserting itself.
18:30Do you think that that should make a relationship impossible?
18:34Dr. Solomon, are you coming on to me?
18:37Oh, never mind.
18:43Oh, Dick.
18:45Your posture tells me you've got the blues.
18:48Let my positive energy spark you out of your doldrums and into a happier...
18:53Oh, go away.
18:53I will.
18:54And thanks for listening.
19:00Hello.
19:01How are you feeling?
19:03Like a million dollars.
19:05I thought I'd try this again.
19:07Oh, here.
19:09Happy birthday from Dr. Albright.
19:14You wrote this yourself?
19:16Yes.
19:19It's just lovely.
19:21You're welcome.
19:23Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
19:27Nobody's perfect.
19:30Why do I have to be this age?
19:33You're focusing too much on the container.
19:36This body is not you.
19:37No, I know that.
19:38No, you don't.
19:39Trust me, I do.
19:40No, I don't think you do.
19:42If you think...
19:42No, shut up.
19:43You're only on this earth a short amount of time.
19:46Well, that was the plan.
19:49Listen, if we're over the hill, we might as well enjoy the ride down.
19:56Thank you for saying we...
19:59It just slipped out.
20:14You know, the light of the moon is so magical.
20:17It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago.
20:25That was almost beautiful.
20:30So, this is your favorite spot.
20:35It's so...
20:36Cheap.
20:39I think gray hair makes you look distinguished.
20:44I think you would look distinguished with gray hair.
20:46I don't think so.
20:48Men look distinguished with gray hair.
20:50Women just look old.
20:51When women get breasts, they look sexy.
20:53When men get breasts, they look old.
20:58Good point.
21:01How old are you?
21:03How old are you?
21:04You first.
21:05No, you first.
21:05You.
21:0842.
21:08Me too!
21:09I don't know.
21:10I don't know.
21:13I don't know.
21:14I don't know.
21:15I don't know.
21:16I don't know.
21:16I don't know.
21:17I don't know.
21:17I don't know.
21:23I don't know.
21:24I don't know.
21:24I don't know.
21:24I don't know.
21:24I don't know.
21:25I don't know.
21:26I don't know.
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