- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E02
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TVTranscript
00:00The force-carrying particles exchanged between matter particles are said to be virtual particles
00:05because unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector.
00:11The people on this planet will swallow anything.
00:16Ooh, finally, my pictures of the Today Show gang.
00:20Ooh, my favorite, Martha Stewart.
00:26Is it autographed?
00:27No, but she signed it.
00:30She looks good enough to eat.
00:41So, how was school today?
00:43The best ever. I had my very first make-out session.
00:46Good for you.
00:47It was with Dina, my lab partner.
00:49Dina, the one with her?
00:50Oh, yeah.
00:53So, tell us everything. I want details.
00:55Well, at first I was conflicted. You know, we come from very different backgrounds.
00:59I'm an alien, and she's a Presbyterian.
01:02I have a highly developed mind, and she's got that big, pouty mouth.
01:07I tell you, Nick, it was a tough decision.
01:09What tipped the scale?
01:10She let me.
01:14Well, what happened next?
01:16Well, I don't know what came over me, but they were so big and round and beautiful.
01:23I just had to touch them.
01:25Then what?
01:26She screamed, ow, my eyes, and that just basically killed the movie.
01:31Damn.
01:33As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
01:37This is the story of four such explorers.
01:40One, two, three, four.
02:09Two, three, four.
02:10We are so hungry.
02:11It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
02:16I'm not reading 387 pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence.
02:23Great. Wonderful. Thanks for nothing.
02:28What happened?
02:30My date for a wedding tomorrow night just canceled at the last minute.
02:33His brother came out of the coma.
02:37A wedding?
02:38Yeah, big reception.
02:40A ritual?
02:41Very traditional. Crying, dancing.
02:43And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?
02:48No.
02:49It's a process that takes years and years.
02:53Nina, are you married?
02:55No.
02:56Why not? What are you doing wrong?
02:58You sound just like my mother.
03:00That must be very confusing for you.
03:06Oh, I wish I did an RSVP. I hate going to these things by myself.
03:09Oh, I'd love to go to the wedding with you.
03:12Oh.
03:13I couldn't ask you to do that at such short notice.
03:15Oh, I don't mind.
03:16It's a two-hour drive.
03:17Well, I'll pay for the gas.
03:18You'd have to wear a suit.
03:19I'm wearing a suit.
03:21A nice suit.
03:23Oh, I'll get one.
03:24You can pick it out.
03:24Whatever it takes, I'll do it.
03:26You're going to make me say this, aren't you?
03:28What?
03:29It's not that I don't find you charming in your own way.
03:33It's just that you tend to make a vivid impression on people.
03:37Well, I am the high commander.
03:39That's exactly what I'm talking about.
03:41I promise you, I'll be on my best behavior.
03:44You won't bring any of your family?
03:45Just me.
03:47Fine.
03:49You can come.
03:50Excellent.
03:51My first wedding.
03:52I can't wait.
03:53Oh.
03:54And be sure to wear something that shows the crack in your breasts.
04:04I don't know what the school nurse is talking about.
04:06I don't see any bug.
04:07I don't know.
04:08She said I probably got it from Dina, but I don't get how unless the bug swam in with the
04:12saliva.
04:14This is interesting.
04:15My throat tickles.
04:16Mine, too.
04:18You know, I tried using a stick to scratch it.
04:21But that just brought up a whole new set of problems.
04:26Okay, Sally, this shirt, this tie, these socks, or this shirt, this tie, these socks.
04:30Stop.
04:30What's wrong with you?
04:31Oh, I'm sorry, but Mary's counting on me.
04:33I want to look my best for the wedding.
04:35What is it with you and that blonde?
04:37Nothing.
04:37This is strictly research.
04:39But to describe her as blonde is inaccurate.
04:42Her hair is more like honey.
04:44With flaxen highlights and just a whisper of gold dancing playfully about the halo that surrounds her.
04:53So she's not blonde.
04:55I'm sorry.
04:56I guess I just haven't seen her through your love goggles.
04:58I don't love her.
04:59This is a perfect opportunity to observe a wedding firsthand.
05:02There's a lot we don't understand.
05:04Like what?
05:05Well, it's really a very fascinating ritual.
05:07The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.
05:10Excuse me, given away?
05:11Like an object?
05:13As in free girl with every large fries?
05:17Wait, there's free girls?
05:18Can I go?
05:19Fries?
05:20Can I go?
05:21No, I'm afraid not.
05:23Dr. Albright has already RSVP.
05:25You said you'd stop spelling in front of me.
05:32Wow.
05:34What was that?
05:36I don't know, but I want another one.
05:39Ah!
05:56Was it as good for you as it was for me?
06:05Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
06:06Good morning.
06:07Nina, I seem to be having a little trouble swallowing this morning.
06:10Do you happen to know if there's an alternate stomach access?
06:13Yes.
06:13Are you sick?
06:15Yes.
06:15And the novelty is starting to wear off.
06:17You're sick and you're breathing my air.
06:20Which air is yours?
06:23I'll get you some tea.
06:25What's this?
06:39This is brilliant!
06:40You're sick.
06:41You should be home in bed.
06:42But this is my first date with Dr. Albright.
06:45Dr. Solomon, I'm sure she'll understand.
06:47Oh, Nina, please.
06:48This is very important to me.
06:49Promise me you won't let Dr. Albright know that I'm sick of!
06:54She won't hear it from me.
06:58Good morning.
06:59Good morning, Dr. Albright.
07:00I'm fine, thanks.
07:02Good.
07:03I'm looking forward to tonight, aren't you?
07:05Absolutely.
07:06It'll be fun.
07:08Why don't you pick me up around 7-ish?
07:097-ish on the dot.
07:12You better make it 6.30.
07:13You might have trouble parking.
07:16You might, but I'm very good at it.
07:19Oh, I'm late for class.
07:22See you tonight.
07:23I can't wait.
07:25No!
07:30Oh, my head is throbbing.
07:33Me too.
07:34Mine's worse.
07:35And my back is aching.
07:37Me too.
07:38Mine's killing me.
07:39My breasts feel like two hot steaming bowls of chili.
07:46She wins.
07:48This is all your fault.
07:50You brought a foreign gerb into this house.
07:52Hey, I have as much a right to be here as anybody else.
07:59See you later.
08:11I'm not wearing pants.
08:14I was wondering why the lint brush wasn't working.
08:20Dick, you are obviously too sick to go.
08:22Why don't you just stay home and drip fluids with the rest of us?
08:25God says I feel perfectly fine.
08:28Dick, I think Sally's right.
08:29You should just stay home.
08:30No!
08:30Now, help me get my pants on.
08:33Don't worry about me.
08:35I've never been defeated by a single-celled organism.
08:39They're stealthy, but they are stupid.
08:42I am the high commander, and I refuse to let this beat me.
08:45Okay, fine.
08:46If you insist on being stubborn, at least take some of this cough syrup.
08:49I don't need it.
08:50Dick, you have to.
08:51The lady at the drugstore said if this doesn't work, we have to put a vaporizer in your room.
08:57No.
09:01Tastes bad?
09:02No.
09:03I just didn't clear the zipper.
09:13We are gathered together here in the sight of God,
09:16and in the face of this company,
09:17to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
09:21It is a state instituted of God,
09:24signifying intelligence in his church,
09:29which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified...
09:31Now, which of those guys is God?
09:33Be quiet.
09:35Okay, but be sure to introduce me later,
09:37because I want some answers.
09:38Shh.
09:39Shh.
09:45Now, how were those two able to find each other?
09:48Oh, it was fate.
09:50He's rich.
09:51She wanted money so she could sit on her ass.
09:55I'd give it a year.
09:56Oh.
09:57That is so beautiful.
10:00Look at them.
10:01They belong together.
10:02Do you think they have any idea how ugly their children will be?
10:07Shh.
10:08Oh, you shush.
10:10Shh.
10:12Shh.
10:12Shh.
10:13Shh.
10:13Shh.
10:16Oh, this is so moving.
10:18The love.
10:19The closeness.
10:21Hold me.
10:23Oh, get off.
10:26I don't want to play anymore.
10:34Whoo.
10:37Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:39I got another hole here.
10:42Shh.
10:43Whoo.
10:48I made chicken soup.
10:50It's supposed to make us feel better.
11:00Sally, you're amazing.
11:01As sick as you are, you keep taking care of us.
11:03I know.
11:04I don't understand.
11:05All I want to do is curl up into a ball, and yet somehow I'm compelled to nurture you.
11:10Oh, God, what a cruel disease.
11:12Why did we choose bodies that could decay so easily?
11:15I told you we should come here as ducks, but nobody listens to me.
11:20How could Dina do this to me after I was nice enough to spread the word that she was a
11:25good Frencher?
11:27After all the battles I've fought in and all the places I've been, I just can't believe I'm going to
11:33die on a flea-infested little planet in the boodocks of the galaxy.
11:39In this outfit.
11:43Now I'll never fall in love.
11:46Never get used, cheated on, tossed aside like an old shoe.
11:52I'm glad I'm dying.
11:55You know, I never told you this, but I always thought you'd make a totally kick-ass eye commander.
12:01Thanks.
12:03I've always admired your eloquence.
12:06What about me?
12:10No one can take a blow to the head like you, Harry.
12:13You don't know what that means to me.
12:16I love you guys.
12:27I really wish you hadn't wrestled the maid of honor for that.
12:30Oh, I see.
12:31Men and women are completely equal until something pretty is being given away.
12:35Keep your voice down.
12:36And what was with that little girl throwing away flowers?
12:38What the hell was her problem?
12:40It's time to leave.
12:42Oh, wait.
12:43I haven't given you your gift yet.
12:46It's a toaster.
12:47Where did you get this?
12:48It was in the room full of prizes.
12:52I'd like to propose a toast to the bride and groom.
12:55Oh, here, here, here.
12:56To a lifetime of happiness together.
12:59We give it a year.
13:04Mary.
13:05Mary, who is this interesting character you're with?
13:09Dr. Richard Solomon from the university.
13:11Ah, well, I didn't think that you could top the personal trainer playwright, but you always come through.
13:18I'll have you know Dr. Solomon is a highly respected scholar and educator.
13:22He may be a bit eccentric, but he is a wonderfully exciting man.
13:26I'm sure I'm having a much better time than you are.
13:33I'm proposing a toast.
13:35I think I speak for everyone when I say that the most beautiful, radiant woman in the room is not
13:42the bride, but Mary Albright.
13:44Yes!
13:45Yes!
13:50I have a special dish and a special helper today.
13:55Harry Solomon.
13:56Harry's an alien.
13:57I love aliens.
13:59And I love your traditional oyster stuffing.
14:03In theory.
14:05Now, you're not feeling very well, are you, Harry?
14:07Oh, Martha, I feel like I'm going to die.
14:11Well, you need a reason to live.
14:13And I think I have one.
14:15Fall, crisp, granny smith, apple cobbler.
14:20Mmm, a lattice crust.
14:25Now, open wide.
14:33Mmm.
14:35See, you're not going to die.
14:37And that's a good thing.
14:41All right.
14:42Mmm.
14:44Mmm.
14:45Mmm.
14:45Mmm.
14:51Come in.
14:56Martha Stewart says I'm not going to die.
15:00Is Tommy home?
15:01Oh, hey.
15:03Dina.
15:04Hey, Tommy.
15:04What are you doing here?
15:05Oh, I just came by to see how you're feeling.
15:07Oh, well, I'm feeling a lot better.
15:09Thanks.
15:09Good.
15:10I'm really sorry I gave you the flu.
15:12Oh, no.
15:12Don't worry about it.
15:13Because any time you want to give me anything,
15:14you just let me know.
15:17Because if I had to do it all over again,
15:19I'd do it all over again.
15:21So, is there a chance we could do it all over again?
15:24We could go to my house.
15:26Great.
15:27Yeah, yeah.
15:29Who's that?
15:30Oh, this is Dina.
15:32She's the one that got us sick.
15:33Destroy the incubator!
15:38Thank you so much.
15:47Are you all right?
15:48I'm fine.
15:50I could stay here all night.
15:51Not with me.
15:52I'm leaving.
15:53Very well.
15:55Wait.
15:56Listen.
15:57It's 4-4 time with a half-beat hesitation.
15:59We have to dance.
16:00No, we don't.
16:11Allow me to translate using the universal language.
16:16A dance?
16:17No, we don't.
16:47Oh, God, we're good.
16:58My God, you're burning up.
16:59That's right, I'm burning up for you, baby.
17:01I'm taking you home and putting you to bed.
17:03All right!
17:05We're having sex tonight!
17:12Oh, what a lovely place you have.
17:16Lie down.
17:18Not there.
17:20Why didn't you tell me you were sick?
17:23Dr. Albright?
17:24What?
17:24I'm sick.
17:27Do you know how dangerous what you did was?
17:30I know, because I think I'm dying.
17:33Oh, shush, shush.
17:33No, no, let me talk.
17:34I have to tell you something.
17:37I don't know how much time I have left, so listen closely.
17:41If you wake up in the morning and find a quivering purple mask wearing my watch,
17:48don't touch it.
17:51I won't.
17:58Did you drink this entire bottle?
18:00I have to tell you this.
18:01No!
18:02You have to lie down.
18:03I come from a different world.
18:06And this is news.
18:09You don't understand.
18:10I'm an alien from another planet.
18:12I'm telling you this because...
18:15I love you.
18:23Whatever you say.
18:28So much trouble.
18:31But you are sweet.
18:34I know.
18:41Good morning, Nina.
18:42You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.
18:44I am so happy for you.
18:47I'm going home.
18:48Why?
18:48Because I'm sick.
18:50That's why.
18:50Really?
18:51What a coincidence.
18:52You're getting sick just as I'm getting better.
18:59Have a nice day.
19:06Dr. Solomon, I see you're feeling better.
19:08Yes, much.
19:09I want to thank you for coming to the wedding with me.
19:11I know you were sick.
19:13It meant a lot to me.
19:13Oh, it was my pleasure.
19:17You seem to have more teeth than usual.
19:20You don't remember anything you said to me, do you?
19:22Why?
19:22Did I say anything I shouldn't have?
19:24Actually, you said a lot of things.
19:26Could you be a little more specific?
19:28Let's just say you were very revealing.
19:32I was delirious.
19:33I was rambling.
19:36What did I say?
19:38You said...
19:42I love you.
19:46Isn't that silly?
20:07That was a close one.
20:08I wasn't sure we were going to make it.
20:10Yeah, when I thought I was going to die, I told Dr. Albright that I loved her.
20:14Why did I do that?
20:15When you face death, you reassess your priorities.
20:19I've decided not to get those breast implants.
20:24You know, you have to admire these humans.
20:26Their lives are so fragile, and yet they're so willing to commit their hearts to one another
20:30for a lifetime.
20:32Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a mini skirt.
20:35Hey, hey, at least I'm getting some here, all right?
20:39Well said.
20:40You don't have to say you love me, just speak close and hand.
20:47You don't have to stay forever, I will understand.
20:52You don't have to say you love me, just speak close and hand.
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