- 14 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E07
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TVTranscript
00:01Aliens are all around us.
00:03This is the story of a band of four such explorers.
00:06In order to blend in, they have assumed human form.
00:10This is the High Commander.
00:12He has assembled an elite team of experts,
00:14a decorated military officer,
00:17seasoned intelligence specialist,
00:18and, well, they had an extra seat.
00:22The Earth is populated by millions of beautiful women,
00:26and those who aren't beautiful have great personalities.
00:30Beautiful!
00:58Justmente Massive
01:01You know, there's something about the moon and stars that's so romantic.
01:06I wish the Dr. Albright was here instead of a group of ungrateful subordinates.
01:13What are you reading?
01:14Vogue.
01:15Look at this.
01:16Stomachs are in, breasts are out.
01:19Well, that's just basic anatomy.
01:22Why don't you look like that?
01:24Because that woman has used a line of products that promotes moist-looking skin and a vacant look in her
01:28eyes.
01:29Well, get some!
01:31I've also noticed, Lieutenant, that most girls smell better than you do.
01:36Right. It's my job to research women, so I'll get some soap.
01:39But I want it understood it's not because I want to smell nice.
01:43Sally, you know, fragrance is an integral part of the human experience.
01:46The smell of flowers in the springtime, the aroma of fresh-baked apple pie.
01:50A beautiful sunset with pink and orange streaking the sky.
01:56Harry, that's a sight, not a smell.
01:59Oh.
02:00Well, I know it was one of those face-hole things.
02:15Good morning!
02:16Shh!
02:17Please!
02:18I'm meditating.
02:20Oh, meditation.
02:21Interesting.
02:22Sometimes when I'm feeling stressed out, I like to visualize myself in a peaceful place.
02:26Don't let me interrupt.
02:28You go on.
02:38How do you do it?
02:42Close your eyes.
02:44Breathe.
02:48And picture a beautiful place.
02:51Okay.
02:52Yes, I'm there.
02:55There's a lovely breeze.
02:58I'm wearing a gauzy dress.
03:01A wave hits me.
03:04But it doesn't matter because I've lost that winter weight.
03:08I take off my shirt.
03:10The sun embraces me like thousands of warm fingers.
03:14I am relaxed and free.
03:17Even my horse senses your calm.
03:22I didn't see your big horse, handsome stranger.
03:26That's because you were distracted by my chiseled pecs.
03:31Just then, their secretary arrives to say, it's all-you-can-eat-fish day in the cafeteria.
03:37Oh, fish!
03:38Great!
03:38Ah, yes, fish.
03:41My horse likes fish.
03:44Oh!
03:52Oh!
03:54Oh!
03:56Oh!
03:56Oh!
03:56Oh!
03:57Oh!
04:00Don't wander off.
04:01I'll just be a second.
04:02And you, don't touch anything.
04:06Ah, can I help you find something from the Firma di Tata skincare line, miss?
04:11Uh, I'm looking for soap.
04:13Ah, are you oily or dry?
04:15Depends on where you look.
04:18Combination.
04:19Are you familiar with our foaming face wash, Di Barra Tata?
04:22Is it soap?
04:23You'll love it.
04:24And today, we have special on Oili di Firma eye cream.
04:28No, I just want soap.
04:30How are you on toning gel?
04:32Mi trota tota is a must.
04:35If it's soap, I'll take it.
04:37Are you sloughing?
04:42What words are you not understanding?
04:44I need soap.
04:45Just the soap.
04:45Give me soap!
04:53If I can help you or answer any questions, just let me know.
04:56I'm Anya.
04:58Um, okay, Anya.
04:59I was wondering if you could explain to me this human obsession with youth and why the cosmetics industry perpetuates
05:04this self-destructive behavior.
05:07Excuse me.
05:09Hey, that was great what you just said to her.
05:12I've seen you at school, right?
05:14Yeah, I've seen you, too.
05:15Hiding under the bleachers watching the cheerleaders.
05:20You didn't strike me as much of a thinker.
05:23I'm August.
05:24Don't call me Augie.
05:26I'm Tommy.
05:27Don't call me Augie either.
05:31You know, it's so depressing how the baby boomers have distorted society.
05:35They screwed up the job market, froze music for 30 years, and now this.
05:39Yeah, they've, they've created an entire industry attempting to recapture the youth they squandered.
05:46Tommy, you are insanely bright.
05:49Well, that's how I feel.
05:56Very, very lip-stained.
05:58What do you think?
06:00Me like.
06:07Oh!
06:08Oh, there's my cab.
06:10I'm late.
06:11Your cab?
06:11Where are you going?
06:12To the airport.
06:13Oh, the airport.
06:14I'd love to see the airport.
06:16We could make a night of it.
06:16Well, I'm just going to be there until my plane leaves.
06:20Going on a little retreat.
06:21Retreat?
06:21You're going away?
06:22Just for a week.
06:23A week?
06:24Uh-huh.
06:25Well, is there a, uh, a number I can call you if I need you?
06:29Ooh, gotta go.
06:30Bye.
06:31Bye.
06:34Doctor, all right.
06:36Hey!
06:37You forgot your, uh, you forgot your, uh, you forgot your, me!
06:51Hi.
06:54Care for a complimentary facial from Orca Skin Care for Men?
07:00I don't think I should.
07:02Don't you deserve a little time out for yourself?
07:06No.
07:07Come on.
07:08Sit down.
07:09Relax.
07:12Ooh.
07:13Soft.
07:19Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
07:22You really have great skin.
07:25You'll probably stay away from the sun.
07:28Well, after almost crashing into it, you learn your lesson.
07:35Most men don't think they have time for pampering.
07:39But they're wrong.
07:43Well, I'm really not like most men.
07:47I could tell.
07:50Is it that obvious?
07:52Boy, is Dick gonna be mad.
07:53You know, he keeps telling me that I need to fit in more.
07:57Who's Dick?
07:59He's my high command.
08:01Uh, I was in a relationship like that once.
08:05Now, doesn't that feel good?
08:11The first time is always bad, Melissa.
08:18Dick!
08:20Oh, it's you.
08:22Well, how's your soap research?
08:23Oh, it's more than soap, Dick.
08:25It's a whole regime.
08:26Aviana gave me all these vials of potions to experiment with.
08:29Okay, this one dulls my shine.
08:31This one brings out my glow.
08:33But I'm gonna put them both on my face at the same time and let them fight it out.
08:36Who's Aviana?
08:37She gave me this.
08:39And expected nothing in return?
08:51So.
08:52Does anybody notice anything different about me?
08:59Your teeth look whiter.
09:00I bet you think I've been mountain biking.
09:03But no!
09:04It's Orca Sunless Sea Bronzer for Man.
09:08Phillip says that it gives the illusion of being in the sun without all the elastin damage.
09:12Who's Phillip?
09:13My skin care specialist.
09:15He taught me that my self-esteem does not rely on what others think of me,
09:19but instead on how I look.
09:23Well, you look like an idiot.
09:25Oh?
09:26Well, the people at the personnel office didn't seem to think so.
09:28You're looking at the new Orca poor home representative.
09:33I get to wear a sailor suit.
09:37Well, where's Tommy?
09:38He's with his new girlfriend, August.
09:40August?
09:41Phillip?
09:41Aviana?
09:42Who are all these people?
09:43What kind of a store did you go to?
09:45They're just friends we made.
09:47You should try it.
09:48Excuse me.
09:49Just because I've developed a relationship with one woman at the expense of developing a relationship
09:52with any other human on this planet does not mean that I don't have any friends.
09:56Name one.
09:56Well, I've got lots of friends.
09:58Who?
10:00Willie.
10:01Steve.
10:03And carpet giant.
10:08Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
10:10Isn't it a beautiful day?
10:11You're in a cheerful mood, Nina.
10:13Did you forget that Dr. Albright is gone?
10:15Nope.
10:16Nina.
10:17Do you have the number where Dr. Albright is staying?
10:21Yep.
10:22Good.
10:22Could you, um, get her on the phone for me, please?
10:25She said no calls.
10:27Nina, you work for me, too.
10:28And when I ask you to do something, you are to do it immediately.
10:30No questions asked.
10:46Why did you bring me here?
10:47Well, with Dr. Albright gone, I thought it would be a nice chance for us friends
10:51to catch up.
10:52Uh-huh.
10:53So, um, how long have you been at Pendleton, Nina?
10:57Three years.
10:57Oh, my, that's a long time.
10:59You're gonna fire me, aren't you?
11:02Why would you think that?
11:03Because I won't give you the phone number.
11:04Well, that would be...
11:05And if you think that I won't cause a scene just because we're in a fancy restaurant,
11:08you had better think again, because I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think of your
11:12sorry ass and the loser school that owns it, because I, Nina Campbell, am quitting!
11:17I worked damn hard for you!
11:19Nina, sit down!
11:21I'm not firing you!
11:24You're not?
11:24No!
11:26Oh!
11:27Okay.
11:29Um, I'd like to change my order.
11:31Bring me the rack of lamb and a beefy-to-martini straight up with an eye.
11:37But about Dr. Albright's number...
11:39Don't press your look.
11:48Dick, I made you a sandwich.
11:50Aren't you ever coming home?
11:51Not until I find out where Dr. Albright is staying.
11:55Oh, Mama!
11:56Walk that around!
12:00Why did I say that?
12:01It's okay.
12:01I've been getting that all day.
12:02Everywhere I go, men just react like that.
12:04Even construction workers.
12:07You know, the stuff changes you somehow.
12:10It's like the clogged pores keep your self-esteem from escaping.
12:14I think I like it.
12:16She must have left her phone number here somewhere.
12:17She keeps everything.
12:19She's so anal.
12:22Will you drop it?
12:24We'll just build another Albright.
12:25We have the technology.
12:26We have the leftover flesh.
12:28And I could really use the extra freezer space.
12:30Oh, Mama.
12:31And if there's only one Dr. Albright...
12:32Calm down.
12:34I don't understand.
12:34I need to talk to her right now!
12:36Pull yourself together, man!
12:39Thank you, Lieutenant.
12:42You smell great.
12:52You know, Tommy, you really have an old soul.
12:56I like it.
12:58Oh, you do?
13:00Well, um...
13:01It is really, really old.
13:06So, Dick's not your real father, is he?
13:09What?
13:09How'd you know?
13:10Well, you seem to have this kind of loyalty to him,
13:13but no real emotional connection.
13:16Tommy, have I upset you?
13:18No, I'm just trying to look down your blouse.
13:22What?
13:22What'd I say?
13:23What?
13:24I don't know how I ever could have expected
13:26a 14-year-old boy,
13:27and I emphasize boy,
13:30to be able to separate my body from my mind.
13:32But wait, August, they're attached!
13:34Wait!
13:34Hold on, August!
13:35Wait!
13:36Come back!
13:36Wait!
13:37Wait!
13:37Stop!
13:38Hey, let's talk about my family some more!
13:40They're really screwed up!
13:44You heard me.
13:47Come back!
13:59You heard me.
14:16Doesn't orca mean whale?
14:18Yes. All of our products are derived from essential whale oils.
14:22All the goodness of whale.
14:26Isn't that animal cruelty?
14:28Oh, no. No, they don't kill the whales. They just corner them.
14:33You would be amazed at how much oil they let go when they are really scared.
14:40Find out what Eskimo men have known for centuries.
14:45Ah, I see you're already familiar with our bronzer.
14:52Alrighty.
14:56Aviana, Aviana, over here.
15:00Aviana, I'm flaking bad. I need some more samples.
15:03I'm sorry. Only the first sample is free. Now you have to pay.
15:06Oh, just a little scrub. Half an ounce. I'll get the money. You know I'm good for it.
15:12I'm sorry. My suppliers would never go for that.
15:16Okay. I see how this works.
15:18You reel me in with your glossy ads, get me hooked on freebies.
15:21Next thing you know, I'm out on the street trying to scrape together enough cash for a lousy tube of
15:24concealer.
15:26Fine. Don't buy it, then. I have plenty of others who want it.
15:30Would you like a free sample of Firma di Tata?
15:33No! Don't do it!
15:34Just say no!
15:39When you can, go to the...
15:44Why did I have to come here?
15:45I was perfectly happy sitting in my room fantasizing that August doesn't hate my guts.
15:50Because you're the information officer. I'm sure you can defeat a simple door lock.
15:53Hmm.
15:55What are you doing? This is illegal! Now we're breaking and entering!
15:59What did you expect me to do? Beam you in?
16:03Oh! Smell!
16:08What?
16:10Mary!
16:12You know, you and I are pathetic. We're superior beings. We're supposed to be here studying the human race, not
16:18mooning over a couple of chicks.
16:19I'm not mooning. I'm obsessing. There's a difference.
16:22Now look around for a travel brochure or itinerary, something.
16:25Now, Dick, I have to get home. I have to wait by the phone for August not to call.
16:29All right, you do that. I'm gonna hang around here for a while.
16:34Dick, you're not gonna do anything creepy, are you?
16:37You know me better than that!
16:39I'm just gonna rifle through her belongings.
16:47August.
16:49I, uh, just came from my backpack.
16:51Oh, what's on the bed?
16:54Listen, I ran out because I was disappointed in you.
16:57I thought you were different than other guys.
16:59Oh, I am different.
17:01You have no idea how different I am.
17:05Well, you're not totally to blame because I know I send some really mature signals.
17:13Okay, I can deal with that.
17:15I can forget the physical stuff and just be completely intellectual all the time.
17:21Well, I hope not all the time.
17:25Thank God, because frankly, I couldn't have done that.
17:30Look, it's not that complicated.
17:32Sometimes you go with the intellectual,
17:33sometimes you go with the physical,
17:35and sometimes just closeness is nice.
17:38Well, how will I know when to do what?
17:41I'll decide that as we go along.
18:04All right, Dr. Albright, you're being so naughty.
18:16I just came by to feed the fish.
18:19Me too.
18:25Good morning, Nina.
18:26Good morning, Dr. Albright.
18:28You look great.
18:29Oh, I feel like a million bucks.
18:31Did I miss anything?
18:32Mm, not really.
18:36Mary!
18:37Mary!
18:39You came back!
18:41Where are you?
19:49When humans come together, they connect somehow, and when one of them goes away, they pull out a part of
19:57you.
19:57Dr. Albright took a piece of me with her when she left, and when she came back, I felt normal
20:02again.
20:04Well, as normal as one can feel in these bodies.
20:08Hey, while we're on the subject of bodies, why is mine so much higher maintenance than yours?
20:12I think the economy relies on it.
20:17Hi, guys.
20:22What are you selling now?
20:25Well, surprisingly, I got fired.
20:27But Philip found me a new job.
20:30I am now a full-time employee at the Spartacus Lounge.
20:35You know, a man is never really complete when he's alone.
20:40And a woman's not complete unless she's making you beg.
20:43How do the men here survive when the women go away?
20:47They go to bars.
20:50I mean, they get along without their women.
20:52Uh-uh.
20:53They make do.
20:54They make do.
20:55They make do.
20:57They make do.
21:12They make do.
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