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TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E05
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TVTranscript
00:02Aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend
00:07in, they have assumed human form. This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts. A
00:15decorated military officer, a seasoned intelligence specialist, and, well, they had an extra seat.
00:22The Earth is actually two-thirds water. About the equivalent of scotch at a cheap wedding.
00:58The Earth is actually two-thirds water.
00:59Number one.
01:00Super combo number four.
01:03The fun-tastic goofy meal number two.
01:08You heard me.
01:11Earth just doesn't get any better than this. Dinner and a movie.
01:15Oh, let's see this one. Four stars, two thumbs, a sweeping drama, one of the year's most intellectually stimulating cinematic
01:22accomplishments.
01:23No.
01:24Chick flick.
01:26How are your chicken crunchies today?
01:29We don't have all day.
01:30We don't have all day. He'll have the super combo number two.
01:34Okay, that'll be 1071. Please drive around.
01:36With pleasure.
01:39What's that sound?
01:40Please drive around.
01:41Well, we would if we could.
01:43I told you to get this looked at two weeks ago. Not to mention the phone's still out. I keep
01:47telling you to get all these things taken care of and yet nothing ever gets done.
01:51And yet you persist. Good for you.
01:53Now we'll never make it to the movie.
01:56Nonsense. All we have to do is get out and push, Sally. Yeah, yeah.
01:59Hurry up. I don't want to miss the previews.
02:02Or that audience's listening thing.
02:21This seat sucks.
02:22Oh, I agree. The seating is all wrong. Tommy, you should be to my right so I could actually have
02:26an arm rest.
02:27Harry, you should sit on the aisle because you go to the bathroom constantly. Am I right?
02:31Wait a minute. Everybody just sit down. This is supposed to be fun. Here, Sally, have some popcorn.
02:37I didn't want popcorn. I wanted good and plenty.
02:39Well, when you're high commander, you can be in charge of the movie treats.
02:42I will.
02:44Excuse me. We're talking here.
02:48Now, how did he beat those guys? I mean, come on. It was 12 against one.
02:51Well, he has the advantage. You see, they only have machine guns while he has the broken pool cue.
02:58Oh. Oh. Great command decision, Dick. Now I have a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth.
03:03I'll get it.
03:05Sally, you are right. I should have sat near the aisle.
03:08Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
03:12Is that it?
03:13Ow!
03:14I'm getting the manager.
03:16Oh, thank you. Have him bring floss.
03:18I'm sorry. Couldn't be sorry.
03:21Ow!
03:23Dick, I'm stuck to the floor.
03:25Oh, my God!
03:42Okay, punk. Court is adjourned.
03:45Yeah!
03:50Stop it. That's an order.
03:53High commander said that I could turn myself into a lethal killing machine.
03:57Did you?
03:58What?
03:59Tommy, what's with the toad?
04:01His name is Jack.
04:04My new lab partner.
04:05No, I meant in the jar.
04:06Oh, that's a dead frog. We're gonna reanimate it.
04:10Tommy, I thought I told you no science projects in the kitchen.
04:12High commander said we could.
04:16Dick, permission to bitch.
04:18Permission granted.
04:19Why do you tell them they can do things when I tell them they can't?
04:21Because I'm the high commander.
04:23Well, would it kill you to listen to me once?
04:27I'm sorry. I thought we were singing.
04:32Popcorn kernel is agony.
04:33God, I feel like sticking my head in a microwave to pop it out.
04:36Just make sure that you poke holes in your head with a fork first.
04:41Well, I'm off.
04:42Dick, wait.
04:43We need to talk about this.
04:45I'm second in command here, and I have no authority over these guys.
04:48Well, you outrank them, Sally.
04:49Just seize control. Take some initiative.
04:51All right. Permission requested to schedule initiative taking.
04:53Just do it.
04:55Take the car in. Fix the phone.
04:57What would you do if I wasn't here?
04:58You're always here.
04:59Well, what if I wasn't?
05:03I'd do a happy little dance.
05:11Oh, man. Solomon's here.
05:13Don't look. He might come over.
05:14Does he see us?
05:15I'll check.
05:18Leon!
05:19What a happy accident.
05:21Now we can spend the evening getting to know each other better.
05:23Please, continue with your conversation.
05:25We can't. We were talking about you.
05:29Shut up!
05:30Can I get you something?
05:31What are they having?
05:33Coffee. For two hours.
05:35I'll have that.
05:38Pittman.
05:39What?
05:40You look different.
05:41I don't know what it is.
05:43Suddenly you look so...
05:44I've never used this word.
05:46Cool.
05:47Well, now it's gone.
05:50Now it's back.
05:53Now there's an air of sophistication.
05:56Somehow that fiery tube has mitigated your oafishness.
06:00May I?
06:08Oh.
06:12Oh, you can keep it.
06:14Okay.
06:17Oh!
06:20An added bonus.
06:27This is creepy.
06:29You have no vision.
06:33What is this thing in my colander?
06:35Oh.
06:35That would be its old brain.
06:41Well, Dick, my life is hell.
06:43I hope you're happy.
06:44Oh, you betcha.
06:45It's like I'm feeling my lungs for the first time.
06:49It's so nice to have a tenant who smokes.
06:52So many people are giving it up.
06:53It just breaks my heart.
06:56Do we need some, uh, duct tape and jumper cables?
06:58Tommy, have you smoked your cigarette yet?
07:00Uh, no, sir.
07:01There's no reason to put it off.
07:03You know, I must say,
07:05this second-hand smoke is smooth and satisfying.
07:10My gift to you.
07:12Dick, you've been smoking those things since you got home.
07:14It's almost like they're addictive or something.
07:16Don't be silly.
07:16If cigarettes were bad, they wouldn't sell them everywhere.
07:20Besides, I can quit whenever I want.
07:22There.
07:23You see?
07:24I've stopped.
07:25There's nothing to it.
07:27You know, Sally,
07:30if you want to advance,
07:34you're gonna have to open your mind to new experiences.
07:38Well, I've started again.
07:41This popcorn kernel is driving me crazy.
07:45Oh, honey, don't put your hand in your mouth.
07:47It's so unbecoming.
07:50What was that?
07:53It's alive!
07:55A!
07:58What's your problem?
07:59It's a guaranteed A.
08:02Kids.
08:23What do you think you're doing?
08:25Smoking.
08:26Please don't smoke in front of me.
08:27I just quit a year ago.
08:28Oh, you poor misguided girl.
08:31Why don't you miss it?
08:33The first cool drag in the morning.
08:35A relaxing smoke on the roof on a warm summer night.
08:39And if I ever have sex,
08:40I think I'm gonna smoke afterwards.
08:43Have you ever read the warning on the side of the pack?
08:48Well, I'm not a fetus.
08:52Those things will take ten years off of your life.
08:55Yes, but that's off the end of your life,
08:56and those years are crappy anyway.
09:01Well, there happens to be a policy here.
09:03Cigarettes are only allowed in university-sanctioned smoking zones.
09:06Take it outside.
09:07All right.
09:08If you're gonna be a big...
09:11fetus about it.
09:22My people.
09:24Dr. Finkel.
09:26Father.
09:28Mrs. Crossa.
09:29You smoke too?
09:31Comes as a surprise to many people.
09:35We suck, we blow, a posse of oral fixators.
09:39Oh, yeah, we're bad.
09:42They can isolate us, but they'll never separate us.
09:44Let them outlaw smoking!
09:46Then they'll just have to deal with a whole bunch of...
09:49smoking outlaws!
09:51Who's with me?
09:55All right.
10:03All right.
10:04Rinse out your mouth.
10:09Now spit.
10:15You've never been to a dentist office before, have you?
10:20Well, you know, gal on the go.
10:22All right.
10:23Could you open wider, please?
10:25Wider.
10:28You can't smoke in here.
10:30All right.
10:32I'll smoke in the waiting room.
10:33Uh, you can't smoke in the waiting room, either.
10:35Then I'll smoke in the hall.
10:37I'm sorry.
10:37You can't smoke anywhere in the building.
10:40You know, you're awfully smug for a man in a paper coat.
10:42I don't...
10:44I'm gonna do it.
10:46I'm sorry, mate.
10:52Don't do it.
10:56I'm sorry.
11:04I'm sorry.
11:06I'm sorry, de-
11:19Oh, yes, the corn is gone. See?
11:23So, Tommy, how was your science affair?
11:25Oh, uh, funny story.
11:30Remember that frog I reanimated?
11:32Well, it kind of developed a taste for human flesh.
11:37Someone's got to go see my science teacher tomorrow.
11:39Well, did you tell Dick?
11:41I thought it was with you.
11:42He ran off. That was hours ago.
11:44That's not like him.
11:45Well, what are we supposed to do? Dick is always here.
11:48Wait a minute.
11:49Of course.
11:51This is a test.
11:53What?
11:54For the next 60 seconds, she's going to emit a high-pitched tone.
11:59No.
12:02Dick is testing me.
12:05He's conveniently disappeared.
12:09Leaving me in charge.
12:11Well, I'm going to show him.
12:15Okay, troops, line up in order of height.
12:19Descending.
12:23It's time for decisive action.
12:25Harry!
12:25Yes, sir.
12:26Mam, mam, mam, sir.
12:31You're going to climb the utility pole and fix our phone line.
12:35Well, I'll need a flashlight.
12:37Don't worry.
12:37It's plenty bright with all that lightning.
12:40Well, uh, how do I get up there?
12:42We've got that big metal ladder in the garage.
12:45Oh, wait.
12:47You can knock the box open with this metal golf.
12:49Good timing.
12:51Oh, and you want to be safe.
12:52You have to chain around your waist and attach it to the power line.
12:55Piece of slip.
12:58Prepare to be dazzled.
13:23Oh, well.
13:26Well, I'm sure someone will find me before the building closes.
13:33Maybe not.
13:40Now, I'm not one to discourage a child's creativity.
13:44But that frog took a bite out of Patty Kinlan the size of a silver dollar.
13:50Dime tops.
13:52That frog destroyed all the other experiments and attacked six students,
13:55and Tommy refuses to apologize.
13:58Well, it's clear that Tommy must be disciplined.
14:00And in the absence of Mr. Solomon, we ask that you take responsibility.
14:05Oh, I'm ready to take responsibility.
14:07Believe me, I can handle responsibility.
14:09No problem.
14:11Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.
14:13Well, I just thought counseling...
14:15Your rations will be cut in half.
14:16You will report to calisthenics at 0500 sharp.
14:19Um, could I be placed in a foster home or something?
14:22I'm his mother.
14:23I'll handle him.
14:25I thought you were his sister.
14:27Sister, mother, whatever.
14:29I think you're actually my aunt.
14:31In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.
14:36Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling from glen to glen and down the mountainside.
14:54The summer's gone, and all the rose is falling.
15:03Tis you, tis you must go, and I must bide.
15:12Far come ye back, when summer's in the meadow.
15:26Hey, you're not bad.
15:32Tis I'll be there in sunshine, or in shadow.
15:45You're not so bad yourself.
15:50What do you mean my car's not ready?
15:52You promised it by Friday.
15:53Today's Friday.
15:55The carburetor's, uh, rebuilt.
15:57That takes extra time.
15:59I'm over here.
16:00On the plus side, your tranny's in really good shape.
16:03Ah, good news.
16:04Uh, excuse me.
16:05This is my car.
16:06Uh, she's right.
16:07I just stand here and nod.
16:11Well, you gotta humor him.
16:15This redhead came in last week.
16:16I think she was driving a sunbird.
16:18She opened that hood and...
16:27Hello.
16:29I'd like my car ready in a half hour.
16:31I don't want a 200% markup on parts.
16:34And I'd like it washed.
16:39You hear that, high commander?
16:41Sally?
16:45I'm sorry.
16:53Women, huh?
16:57Oh, boy.
17:20Dick?
17:21Oh, Sally.
17:22Sally.
17:22Dick.
17:23You can come out now.
17:24I've passed your little test.
17:28Nina, where's Dick?
17:29I haven't seen him in two days.
17:31I was just about to call you.
17:33Will you excuse us for just a minute?
17:35He's not here.
17:36He's gone.
17:37He's actually gone.
17:38I can still hear you.
17:42Um, uh, could you leave, please?
17:43Try and stop me.
17:46This wasn't a test.
17:50I really am, high commander.
17:52We await your orders, high commander.
17:59We're waiting.
18:02If Dick were here, he'd know what to do.
18:04If Dick were here, he'd know where he was.
18:09We've got to find him.
18:18Dr. Bankson.
18:22Dr. Bankson.
18:27We meet at last.
18:33I'm looking for someone.
18:35Dick Solomon?
18:37Yeah, I know.
18:38Ah.
18:39Looks like you've chosen a poor time to sedate yourself, Dr. Bankson.
18:45But you know what they say.
18:47The dentist who drills his own teeth has a fool for a patient.
18:52Ah.
18:53I didn't expect you to cooperate.
18:56Well, maybe you'll talk for Mr. Sucky Thing.
19:03The death has reared himself a throne in a strange city lying alone where good and bad
19:10and worst and best are gone for their eternal rest.
19:16That's nice.
19:17What is it?
19:19It's just something I made up.
19:22Liar.
19:23That's Edgar Allan Poe.
19:24I was there when you read it.
19:25Well, then why ask?
19:26Just to play mind games with me?
19:30What, my?
19:30Stop it.
19:31Stop it.
19:32Stop it.
19:32Stop it.
19:33Stop it.
19:34Dick, is that you?
19:39Harry?
19:40Dick?
19:41Harry!
19:41Open the door.
19:43Open the door.
19:44How do I know it's really you?
19:48It's really me!
19:50Well, you wouldn't know that.
19:53Harry's dick!
19:54You saved me!
19:55Oh, my God!
19:56I think of all the time I'm on.
19:57There you go, Harry.
19:58Oh, I told you!
20:06A voice inside of you?
20:07And you never knew it was there before?
20:10By the second day, I was hearing my inner voice, too.
20:13What was it saying?
20:14I have no idea.
20:15I don't speak French.
20:18You should have seen the janitor's face when he walked in on the four of us.
20:23I'm just glad you're alive.
20:25Thank you, Sally.
20:26And good work finding me.
20:27Good work?
20:29I was paralyzed.
20:30I thought I could do your job.
20:32I mean, you're so arrogant, bossy, and condescending.
20:35You make it look so easy.
20:38I'm not perfect, Lieutenant.
20:40After all, I got locked in a stairwell for three days just because I needed a cigarette.
20:45Yeah, that was stupid.
20:47Yes, it was.
20:49Really stupid.
20:51Point taken.
20:53I mean, didn't you even think to check the door first?
20:57You'd expect a bonehead move like that from me, but you...
20:59Oh, okay, a bonehead is where I draw the line.
21:02Excuse us.
21:04After all, I am the high commander.
21:05Oh, wow.
21:06Woo!
21:07Woo!
21:10Puff, puff, puff, and if you smoke yourself to them...
21:24Woo!
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