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TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E04
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TVTranscript
00:00As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us.
00:04This is the story of a band of four such explorers.
00:06In order to blend in, they've assumed human form.
00:10This is the High Commander.
00:12He has assembled an elite team of experts.
00:15A decorated military officer, a seasoned intelligence specialist,
00:19and, well, they had an extra seat.
00:23The people of Earth sometimes divide against each other
00:26based on national origin or skin color.
00:28Of course, no one else in the galaxy can tell them apart.
01:00Oh, I've been there.
01:03And there.
01:04And I've been there.
01:06Wow.
01:06The long, boring stories you must have.
01:10Well, I have another destination for you, Tommy.
01:12High school.
01:13Why?
01:14I finished my education when you were nothing but a snot-nosed gas ball.
01:18You know, that sounds like a very dangerous assignment, Dick.
01:21Shouldn't I take that on?
01:22No.
01:22We have to try to assume the roles of a regular human family.
01:25Since Tommy's the adolescent, he'll have to go to school.
01:27And you will explore the lifestyle of a young adult woman.
01:31And I, as the benevolent father figure,
01:33will provide the major source of income and give you cute nicknames.
01:37Dick.
01:38What is it, kitten?
01:43What's my role in the family?
01:45Harry, we have been through this.
01:47You're the brother who tries hard,
01:49but still doesn't have the nerve to move out on his own.
01:52But we love your pluck and determination.
01:54But I can do more.
01:55You see, that's the pluck that we love.
01:58Now, let's just be the warm human family that we are.
02:02After you.
02:03Why are you doing that?
02:04Well, I've seen men do it all the time.
02:06Apparently, women don't know how to operate doors.
02:09Well, I do.
02:11Oh, Dick, I've thought of a job for myself.
02:15I can catalog the dangers that surround us on this planet.
02:18For example, getting your fingers crushed in a car door.
02:24Ow.
02:26Ow.
02:28Ow.
02:33Why are you listening to the serpent?
02:37Don't eat the fruit.
02:39Don't eat the fruit.
02:43Women.
02:46Dean Sumner's office called.
02:48You parked in his space.
02:49Oh, I know.
02:50It's so much closer than mine.
02:52Move it, lady.
02:53And your sister's here.
02:54Sally, I thought I left you at home.
02:56You forgot your shoes.
03:00Hey, what's with the guy in 114?
03:01Every time I walk by, he follows me and talks to me.
03:04I think somebody has an admirer.
03:07Great.
03:08Now can we talk about me?
03:10Sally, are you seeing anyone now?
03:13I'm looking at you, aren't I?
03:15For God's sakes, he's trying to ask you on a date.
03:19A date?
03:20It's a perfect opportunity.
03:21You'll go.
03:22No, I won't.
03:22Trust me, I know what's best.
03:24Why are you treating me like this?
03:25Like what?
03:26Like this.
03:26This?
03:26There, you just did it.
03:27I don't know what I'm doing.
03:28You're acting as if I can't make decisions for myself.
03:30I am second in command, you know.
03:31Well, one of us has to experience sex, and I'm getting nowhere with her.
03:37Why didn't you say so?
03:39I mean, if sex is so important, you and I can do it right here on the desk.
03:41Get it out of the way.
03:44Okay.
03:46I'll leave you clampets alone to your banjo lesson.
03:55When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles,
03:58and the bottle's in a poodle, and the poodle's eating noodles.
04:01They call this a muddle-puddle-tweedle-poodle-beetle-noodle-bottle-paddle-battle.
04:07This man is a genius.
04:11Well, if it isn't our proud little student, what did you learn on your first day?
04:16I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers, and girls only like seniors.
04:19And man, you can't compliment anybody in the shower.
04:25You see, and you thought you knew everything.
04:28Sally, you're going to be late for your date.
04:30I just don't know what to wear.
04:37Is this appropriate?
04:39Very nice.
04:41Come on, men.
04:41What do I even do on a date?
04:43Oh, I've been reading about it.
04:44I'll walk you through it.
04:45Yeah, yeah.
04:45I'll be your date.
04:46You're not doing anything until you've done your homework, old man.
04:48Oh, so you guys get to talk about sex while I make an Aztec village out of macaroni?
04:54This is fair.
04:56Okay, Harry, you're Brad, and the two of you are at a romantic restaurant.
05:01Here.
05:04Okay, go ahead.
05:06I don't know what to do.
05:09Gaze into his eyes.
05:11The way Dr. Albright gazes into mine, you know.
05:17That's perfect.
05:19Now, break the ice by telling him something personal about yourself.
05:22Well, uh, Brad, once every lunar cycle, my uterine lining sloughs itself, thereby causing...
05:37That may be too personal.
05:39Well, it does.
05:41I mean, one minute I'm fine, the next my uterus starts trotting.
05:49You know, there is something to be said for keeping some mystery in a relationship.
05:53When do I get to touch your breasts?
05:57Right before you die.
06:00Fair enough.
06:02Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
06:05Rainbow. Bad girl.
06:09My boys.
06:15She swallowed a tiny monkey.
06:19So, Lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment.
06:22He was wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful.
06:25He asked me where I'd been all his life.
06:27You didn't tell him.
06:28All the coordinates.
06:30Thank goodness he didn't believe me, so I didn't have to kill him.
06:33What happened after dinner?
06:34Well, he wanted to sleep with me.
06:36I wanted sex, but since he was tired, I let him go home.
06:39There you go.
06:42The good news is...
06:45He's gonna call me.
06:50I wish I could meet a guy like that.
06:58Come on, sport. I'll drive you to school.
07:02Bite me.
07:03Bite me what?
07:04Bite me, Daddy.
07:08That's better.
07:09See you tonight, slugger.
07:11No, you won't.
07:12No, you won't.
07:13Cause I'll be out with Brad.
07:15Having fun.
07:20Alright, good job.
07:22Come on, let's keep it moving, Solomon.
07:24Climb the rope.
07:24Uh, yeah.
07:25What's at the top of the rope?
07:27Your self-respect is at the top of the rope.
07:29Uh, alright, run this by me again.
07:31I climb up there, and then I...
07:35Yeah, calm down!
07:38And this gives me self-respect, uh, because...
07:41Okay, look.
07:41You don't want to climb the rope?
07:42You can go sit over there with the girls.
07:48So, if I don't climb the rope, then I sit with the girls?
07:51That's right.
07:52Now, help me out here, cause I'm not seeing the downside.
08:03Must you make such a racket?
08:09Okay.
08:11You've bossed me around for the last time.
08:17Oh, I'm sorry I blew up like that.
08:33There he is.
08:35There he is.
08:37There he is.
08:39You know, what goes on outside this office is really none of my business.
08:43There he is.
08:45Just because I set Sally up with Brad doesn't mean you're under any obligation to tell me how it went.
08:50There he is.
08:51I'm not even curious.
08:52Mm-hmm.
08:53Right there.
08:55Sally's date?
08:56Start talking.
08:57Well, what can I say?
08:58In her own words, it was wonderful.
09:00Mm-hmm.
09:01She overate, and he found her charming.
09:03Mm-hmm.
09:04In fact, he's going to call her.
09:06Mm.
09:09What?
09:16Orange juice.
09:20Non-toxic.
09:25Tabasco.
09:28Also non-toxic.
09:30He said he'd call.
09:32Yes, I know.
09:32He promised.
09:33So I hear.
09:33He said he'd call.
09:34Well, that changes everything.
09:36Dick, I can take more pain than the rest of you put together, but right now I just feel so
09:39icky.
09:42Damn it, Dick, give me some pain I can define.
09:44I am not going to jam your hand in the toaster again.
09:48You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick.
09:51It's like he reached in and pulled all the bones out of my body.
09:59Oh, my God, what are you doing?
10:05Apparently I'm leaking.
10:09Well, stop it!
10:14All right, Commander.
10:16Ah!
10:17Ah!
10:21Wine cooler.
10:25I could go either way.
10:29Lieutenant, we need to talk.
10:30This is all your fault.
10:31I didn't want to be the woman.
10:32You made me be the woman.
10:33You're a decorated veteran.
10:34I thought you could handle it.
10:35Well, I can't.
10:36This is hard.
10:38Please, don't.
10:39No.
10:40No.
10:41Please, don't.
10:41It went so great.
10:43Fred said he liked me.
10:44Why won't he call?
10:47There, there.
10:51Maybe he can't call.
10:52Maybe his phone is out.
10:53Maybe he injured himself running with scissors or used a dry cleaning bag as a toy.
11:00Dick, I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
11:06Could somebody please call 116?
11:09God, do not touch that phone.
11:11Oh, Dad.
11:12Now what is it?
11:13My teachers want to talk to you about my attitude as if I'm an attitude.
11:18Oh, this is just perfect.
11:20I try to mold us into a family that will blend in.
11:23And what do I get?
11:23A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much.
11:27Is there another family in the whole world like this?
11:30I don't think so.
11:34Frankly, I can't take it anymore.
11:35Yeah, me neither.
11:36I'm out of here.
11:36I've got to find out what happened to Brad.
11:38I induce vomiting.
11:40There's an idea.
11:43If anybody needs me, I'll be in the garage.
11:46Putting up pegboard.
11:58Hello, Brad.
11:59Sally.
12:01I've come to check your phone.
12:10Sally, please, calm down.
12:12No, you may not maim Harry.
12:15No, find someone on the street.
12:20Trouble at home.
12:21No, why would you say that?
12:23He didn't call, did he?
12:24Not yet.
12:25Hmm.
12:28I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.
12:31Are you asking for my help?
12:33Are you offering it?
12:34How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking?
12:36Oh, why would I ask? I don't need help.
12:37Fine, then. I'm not offering.
12:38Fine with me?
12:41You can't say it, can you?
12:44Help me!
12:47I don't know what to do.
12:48I can't stand to see her like this.
12:51There, that wasn't so hard.
12:52Then you'll help?
12:53No.
12:54Can't you just take her out tonight and talk to her?
12:56You don't have to go alone.
12:57I'm sure Nina would be happy to join you.
12:59Oh, I'm sorry.
13:00Tonight's the night I'm having my eyes gouged out.
13:03Can't you reschedule it?
13:05I mean, put yourself in her position.
13:07You go out on a date, you have a wonderful time,
13:09various arousing stimuli,
13:11fly back and forth across the table,
13:12and then he doesn't call.
13:14How would you repair yourself?
13:16I'd get good and toasted and call him filthy names.
13:18Yes. Great.
13:20Now, go and do that with Sally.
13:22You're buying.
13:23Of course.
13:26Oh, she's way more upset than that.
13:34Dr. Solomon, let me be blunt.
13:36Tommy seems to have a problem with authority.
13:39Well, and Jimmy refused to climb the rope.
13:41What was at the top of the rope?
13:47If you were my boy, I'd warm up his little bottom.
13:52You're the one who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right?
13:59I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has.
14:03Dr. Solomon, nobody ever said being a father is easy.
14:06You're telling me.
14:07I mean, some of you must have children.
14:10As frightening as that thought is.
14:13What do you do?
14:15You need to set a good example for your son to live up to.
14:18Since when did my son become my responsibility?
14:21I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job.
14:24You're supposed to be educating him.
14:25Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival.
14:28One day you're going to have to find someone to pull your collective butts out of the cosmic pliers
14:32and all you'll have to pick from is a bunch of rope climbers.
14:34That's true.
14:35Dr. Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem.
14:38The home environment.
14:40Well, of course I'm avoiding it.
14:41It's full of crazy people.
14:49Oh, come on, Sally.
14:51I know you're in a lot of pain, but holding it in isn't going to do you any good.
14:55You've got to let it out.
14:56Come on.
14:57Open up.
15:06That really helped.
15:08This can't be the first bad date you've ever had.
15:10Wow.
15:11A couple years ago, a friend set me up and my date turned out to be this giant, slimy yolk
15:16sack.
15:17Yeah, I've been there.
15:18Who hasn't?
15:20I once dated this chemistry professor, Dr. Abrams.
15:24Oh, gosh. He's starting with the A's.
15:26He invited me to Portage Lakes for a romantic weekend and then just never showed up.
15:32Did you kill him?
15:32No, no.
15:33I don't believe in violence.
15:35Violence doesn't do you any good.
15:37However, a gas tank full of sugar and a flaming bag of dog poop will.
15:43And you take that orally?
15:49Tommy, your teachers seem to think I'm not acting enough like a father to you.
15:53You're not my father.
15:54Well, that's true, but I want to try to act like one.
15:59Fine.
15:59What do fathers and sons do together?
16:01Oh, uh, they do this.
16:07Yes, I've seen that.
16:09Oh.
16:15Excellent.
16:16We're roughhousing.
16:18Son.
16:41This is taking a wrong turn somewhere.
16:44I've got a better idea.
16:45We can do what the guy downstairs does with his son.
16:48They watch TV for 18 hours straight.
16:51Yes.
16:51It's the classic male bonding ritual.
16:56Oh, look.
16:57Monday Night Football.
16:58Hurrah!
17:02What is it?
17:04Isn't there some place where people can just have meaningless sex with various partners?
17:08Yes.
17:09It's called the 70s.
17:12Well, how late is it open?
17:15Hey.
17:16Check out the bartender.
17:19Ooh.
17:19God's gift to women.
17:21I hope he kept the receipt.
17:29Oh, get a load of the guy in the vets.
17:33I hope he kept the receipt.
17:38See, Sally, you are not the problem.
17:40Guys are jerks.
17:41You're just never gonna find the perfect man.
17:43Yeah, the perfect man would have Bill Gates' money, Jimmy Smith's ass, Liam Neeson's shoulders, Michael Jordan's thighs.
17:52And we need a brain.
17:53No, we don't.
17:56Yeah, you're right.
17:57Then he'd think like a man.
17:59See, Sally?
18:00There's just no dealing with the opposite sex.
18:03Yes.
18:05Yes, the opposite sex.
18:07I didn't do anything wrong.
18:09It's men.
18:10They're a completely opposite sex.
18:14They hunt, we gather.
18:15They sweat, we glow.
18:17They shake, we wipe.
18:19You.
18:21Your sexual organs are in total diametric opposition to mine.
18:24Well, hey.
18:25So, can I give you a call sometime, or...?
18:27Oh, yeah.
18:28I'll be waiting by the phone.
18:33Have we poisoned her?
18:35No.
18:35Now she's a buxom, leggy, pouty-lip bitch with attitude.
18:40I think she'll do just fine.
18:46Hello, Brad.
18:48This is Sally.
18:52I came here to tell you that I understand your limitations.
18:57I expected too much.
19:00I'm so sorry.
19:02All the best.
19:04Oops.
19:06Got your knob.
19:10Hasn't tonight been great?
19:12Just us boys, drinking beer, yelling like idiots, emitting various gases?
19:18Oh, oh, look.
19:20They're doing that thing again.
19:21Oh.
19:22Here it comes.
19:23Look out.
19:23Oh, here it is.
19:24Oh, yeah!
19:29Sally's back.
19:30Party's open.
19:31Thank God.
19:32Sally.
19:33You're smiling.
19:34You're fixed.
19:36No, Dick.
19:37I'm not fixed because I was never broken.
19:40I'm supposed to be this way.
19:42I'm a woman.
19:43Yes, and?
19:44Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?
19:47I don't know.
19:48Exactly.
19:49And do you feel the urge to have an eight-pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower
19:54abdomen?
19:57No, I think I could do without that.
20:00You see?
20:01Here, you and I are completely different life forms and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to
20:07share a planet.
20:08You know, I've been thinking about your assignment.
20:10Maybe it wasn't fair of me making you the woman.
20:13I'm all right.
20:14I can handle the mood swings, the emotional issues, the cat calls, the punitive underwear.
20:20Because, frankly, when I think of the alternative...
20:25I just have to laugh.
20:37Mother Earth.
20:39Father Time.
20:42Lady Luck.
20:44Gentleman's Quarterly.
20:47Daughters of the American Revolution.
20:50Son of Kong.
20:53Fairy Godmother.
20:54The Godfather of Soul.
20:58Mrs. Sippy.
21:04Mr. Sippy.
21:08Valentine's Father.
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