- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 9th November 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Jeremy Clarkson
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Jeremy Clarkson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:04And if you've joined us from BBC One to avoid the news,
00:08you're very welcome here at QI Towers,
00:10where dreary reality seldom intrudes.
00:13Help yourself to drink some nibbles and put your feet up
00:16and your hands together for Joe Brand!
00:21Bill Bailey!
00:26Jeremy Troxon!
00:29And Pugsy Bear!
00:34Yes, Pugsy is joining us once again for this Children in Need QI special,
00:39which is all about E for Entertainment.
00:42Now, Pugsy is the only one who hasn't played in this series,
00:45and I have to tell you about our Elephant in the Room bonus.
00:51If you spot an elephant, you buzz your buzzer and you wave your elephant,
00:55and you get extra points because there's an elephant in one answer
00:59hidden somewhere in one of the questions.
01:01Right, well, let's see how entertaining you can be.
01:04Jeremy goes...
01:05Jeremy!
01:09There he is.
01:10There he is.
01:12And Bill goes...
01:19Oh, I wish.
01:45And Pugsy goes...
01:50Oh, I like 4, 5, 7, 33, 22, 33...
01:55Oh, yes, which is, of course, the number that you have to call to donate to Children in Need.
02:00Brilliant and subtle as a brick.
02:02So let's go straight...
02:03Oh, yes, Pugsy.
02:04I like 4, 5, 7, 33, 22, 33...
02:07The point about the elephant in the bonus is you wave the elephant when there is an elephant in one
02:12of the...
02:12Oh, you've seen it up there.
02:13There is an elephant in the room, ladies and gentlemen.
02:16How bizarre.
02:18Go for it, ladies and gentlemen.
02:36Well, goodbye, Pugsy.
02:40Uh, good evening, elephant.
02:41Ha-ha!
02:42Oh!
02:52I was the elephant in the room.
02:54You were, that's brilliant.
02:56It was brilliant.
02:58And so to our first question, ladies and gentlemen, and a bit of detective work.
03:02What can you tell me about the owner of these shoes?
03:07Which I shall show you.
03:11Did he have a couple of really fat kids that used to sit on his shoes to watch telly?
03:17A beast children sitting on his shoes.
03:19Could he not afford ski rental?
03:21It is a bit like, they are a bit like skis.
03:23Standing too close at a steam rally or something.
03:25Um, he must want to lean forward.
03:28Yes.
03:29Leaning over something.
03:30He leant forward to the greatest effect of any one of his generation, really.
03:35He was one of the truly great entertainers of his age.
03:39Lino.
03:40No.
03:41If I say, this is what Jacques Tati said of him.
03:45That his performance was a foundation for everything that has been realised in comedy on the screen.
03:50Oh, I know.
03:51Not Michael Barrymore.
03:54Sir Bernard Ingham.
03:57Not Sir Bernard Ingham.
03:58Rolls Harris.
03:59Bill Oddy.
03:59Now we're going back to one of the great comedians of the 19th century musical.
04:02Dan Lino.
04:03No, that would be appropriate.
04:05It would.
04:05You said Lino.
04:06No.
04:06If I tell you he was born Harry Ralph, it won't mean much.
04:10He was the 16th child of a 77-year-old pub landlord.
04:15In fact, the blacksmith's arms, from whom we get these original shoes.
04:19He actually wore these.
04:20He was very short.
04:22Little Tommy Twat.
04:25He was so short that his stage name is now used to describe short people.
04:31Very little Tommy Twat.
04:32Lovely.
04:33Everyone at the school is called Lovely.
04:35Little Titch.
04:37Who I've never heard of.
04:38Of whom you should have heard.
04:41I'm going back in here.
04:48He was born with webbed hands and he stopped growing at the age of 10.
04:52So he was very short.
04:54And he had 12 fingers and 12 toes.
04:57And stupid shoes.
04:58And stupid shoes.
04:59But, no, to be fair, I know you're probably going to mock him.
05:02But I have to say, he will be remembered long after we are forgotten.
05:05In 200 years' time, when the names Jeremy Clarkson and Stephen Fry mean nothing to anybody.
05:10Oh, come Stephen.
05:11Little Titch.
05:11We are now landing at Stephen Fry Airport.
05:18That would be Lord Fry Airport.
05:22I'll show his film.
05:24This is a film made by a man called Clément Maurice in 1900.
05:28Oh, yeah.
05:30Jesus, it's Ron Atkinson.
05:33The audience are crapping themselves.
05:44Brilliant.
05:46Has everyone else gone into a coma?
05:48Now, I'm sorry.
05:50He's funnier than I've ever been.
05:51And he's funnier than any of you.
05:52Stephen, he's not funny.
05:54He isn't.
05:54He isn't.
05:55He isn't.
05:56No, he's great.
05:57He's truly great.
05:57He just had some stupid shoes.
05:59As I say, he was an influence on Chapman, on Buster Keaton, on...
06:03Actually, yeah, because, actually, on the tape, he was doing some brilliant stand-up while he was doing all that
06:07stuff, you know.
06:08Stuff about...
06:08He was, obviously, it was silent.
06:10It was 1900.
06:10No, I'm...
06:11He was a great man.
06:12If for nothing else, he gave his name to short people, which is a rather extraordinary achievement.
06:18So popular was he.
06:19Well, I shall move Little Titch's shoes in great sorrow.
06:22Oh.
06:23But you weren't impressed by him.
06:24Little Titch was the very first Titch, and rightly famous for his big boots dance.
06:28What did Roland the Farter do for a living, however?
06:33Yes, Bill?
06:35Er, he was a sniper.
06:38He was rubbish at it.
06:40All right, I've got him in my sight.
06:41Oh, no, I've been rumbled.
06:42I've been rumbled again.
06:45Abort, abort!
06:47It's not funny, is it, farting?
06:49Well, I happen to agree with you, though, Jeremy, but apparently Henry II thought it was so funny that he
06:54granted Roland the Farter 30 acres, and his payment was that on Christmas Day, he had to jump about and
07:01fart.
07:03I really don't like the smell of farting, the noise of it.
07:07Oh, well, no, the smell can be quite funny.
07:09It isn't funny!
07:13My dog used to fart.
07:14It was hilarious.
07:16He was a jester, licensed jester.
07:18He was called Roland the Farter, and he got a lot of money for his farting, a lot of land,
07:22because it amused Henry II.
07:24A friend of mine was in a very small shop recently, and the guy went to the back of the
07:31shop to get something for him, and he did a very big fart, and he was extremely embarrassed, and he
07:36thought, what can I say?
07:37When he got back in, so he went, oh, someone's having their breakfast, and this guy went, you're right, that's
07:44lovely.
07:48Well, it's that guy, isn't it? There's an actor, isn't there, Mr. Methane, who just makes his living from, you
07:53know, farting various...
07:54Farts on demand.
07:55Yeah, tunes and stuff.
07:56Farts on demand.
07:57And who was the original of that, do you know?
07:58Le Petermen.
07:59Le Petermen.
07:59Le Petermen, yes, who was a French...
08:02Wasn't that silent?
08:03A silent fart was no funny.
08:04No, he wasn't silent.
08:05Le Petermen.
08:06Oh, was he post...
08:07That's music coming out of his arse, if you see behind you.
08:11Sarah Bernhardt, who was the most famous actress of the late 19th century in France, was paid 8,000 francs
08:16a week.
08:16He was paid 20,000 francs a week.
08:19Blimey.
08:19He was the biggest star of his day.
08:21He would have an enema every morning, so as to be pleasant to his audience.
08:25He actually breathed in through his arse.
08:29He could smoke a cigarette with his arse.
08:31Ah.
08:31He would do imitations.
08:33He would do a ripped sheet, a nun, a bricklayer, all these things.
08:37A nun?
08:37Yes.
08:38He'd do a nun farting.
08:40Yeah, how a nun would fart?
08:42So we move away from farting, because it doesn't please Jeremy.
08:45Jesters were expected to be warriors.
08:47And in fact, there were two very important jesters at the Battle of Hastings.
08:51Probably our most famous battle.
08:53And their names were Turold and Telefer.
08:57They're named on the Bayer Tapestry.
08:59So they must be very important in their day.
09:02And they were usually dwarfs, as you can see.
09:04And Telefer rode out in front of the discouraged Norman army,
09:07and he tossed his sword high and sported with it.
09:10He basically juggled with his sword,
09:11and one of the English emerged to laugh at him,
09:15and he immediately cut his head off.
09:16And this encouraged the Norman army,
09:18and they then went on to win the battle in the style that we know they did.
09:21Yeah.
09:22So they were celebrated on the Bayer Tapestry.
09:24Tough crowd, that, isn't it?
09:25Yeah.
09:26Very, very tough room.
09:29There's a further part of the panel that says,
09:31William comforteth his troops.
09:33And it shows William the Conqueror sticking a spear up the arse of one of his men.
09:38Because comforteth didn't mean what it means now.
09:40It meant bugger.
09:41It didn't mean bugger.
09:42It was, not really.
09:45It meant just kind of exhort.
09:47Encourage.
09:47Encourage.
09:48Yeah.
09:48Good.
09:49Go on.
09:49Strengthen.
09:50Come forward.
09:51Yeah.
09:53Good.
09:53Roland the farter was given an entire parish in exchange for farting once a year for the king.
09:58This was before property prices exploded, of course.
10:01God knows what he'd need to do now for that amount of land.
10:05Who is the only athlete in the history of the Olympic Games to get a personal mention in the closing
10:11ceremony?
10:11Achilles?
10:12No, we're talking about the modern Olympiads.
10:14Oh.
10:15Paula Radcliffe.
10:16Not Paula Radcliffe.
10:18Eddie the Eagle.
10:19Eddie the Eagle is the right answer.
10:21What year was it?
10:2492?
10:2588?
10:2588 is right.
10:2688 is absolutely right.
10:28And what was his discipline?
10:29Ski jumper.
10:30He embodied the spirit.
10:32He kind of just fell off the end of it.
10:33Didn't he embody the spirit?
10:34There he is.
10:35Yes, there was nothing wrong with it.
10:36Look at this.
10:37I couldn't do that.
10:38And they all laughed at him.
10:40Look, why?
10:40Well, you didn't laugh at Little Titch who did much the same.
10:43No, he didn't.
10:44Yeah, if he could put his own hat on, that would be different.
10:48Juan Antonio Samaranch, the leader of the IOC, he said,
10:52at this Olympic Games, some competitors, he probably said,
10:55but I'm going to go on any further, have won gold and some have broken records,
10:59and one has even flown like an eagle.
11:01Flown like an eagle.
11:02Like an eagle.
11:03Aguila.
11:04But sadly, they then legislated so that people like Eddie would not be able to participate anymore.
11:10They said that in order to participate in the Olympics, you have to be in the top 30% in
11:14your international competition,
11:16or one of the top 50 of the world, whichever.
11:18And so it closed the gate on inspired amateurs like Eddie, which is surely against the spirit of the Olympics.
11:24I mean, bless him, he had to wear glasses which frosted up.
11:27He was in a country which has no ski jumps in England.
11:30He was just practicing without having any ski jumps to practice on.
11:33It was just coming off the roof of his house.
11:35Well, basically, he probably was.
11:37Why was he picked for the team, though?
11:39Because there wasn't anyone else.
11:40Yeah, because he was the only one who volunteered, which I think is absolutely wonderful.
11:44Right, let it go.
11:45But it does.
11:47Now, who else was there who was a double E?
11:49Not just Eddie the Eagle, there was another one a few years later.
11:52Do you remember?
11:53Oh, there was a swimmer.
11:54Eric the Eel.
11:55Eric the Eel, that's right.
11:55Eric the Eel from Equatorial Guinea.
11:58People had to hang around, they were putting the lights out.
12:00Yeah.
12:01Well, bless him.
12:02When he arrived, I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but I just said bless him so there's no way out.
12:06But he said, he only learnt to swim eight months before the Olympic Games.
12:13And he'd never seen an Olympic pool before he stood on the edge of one.
12:16He got sitting and went, bloody hell.
12:19He smiles.
12:20He smiles.
12:22Oh, well, there you are.
12:23It's right, Eddie the Eagle who, despite his acknowledged entertainment value, resulted in a rule called the Eddie the Eagle
12:29rule
12:29that excluded colourful amateurs from the Olympics.
12:32I can't imagine anything less in keeping with the original ethos of the Games.
12:35Now, what's wrong with these ballet dancers?
12:47It's all a bit sinister, really?
12:49It is quite sinister.
12:50It's very sinister, like a circus ringmaster.
12:53Well, the ballet is called the Circus Polka, funnily enough.
12:56Right.
12:57And you have to decide what's wrong with it.
12:58I'm going to give you a hint because I've been very cruel about this particular thing for the last few
13:03weeks.
13:04Um, the wrong kind of species is dancing.
13:08Bears.
13:08It should be bears.
13:09Not bears.
13:10Elephants, tigers, swans.
13:12Elephants.
13:13Elephants.
13:14You see?
13:17Oh, really?
13:18I have to lead you by the trunk.
13:20I think Jeremy gets points.
13:22I'm not sure if Alan didn't really just come in on your coat.
13:25They should be elephants.
13:27They should be elephants.
13:28It was written for an elephant ballet.
13:30John Ringling North of the Ringling Brothers Circus had commissioned Balanchine, who was the great ballet choreographer of his era,
13:37and Igor Stravinsky to write the music for an elephant ballet, which was performed in 1942 in Madison Square Garden.
13:45With elephants in tutus and little beaded wear.
13:49Oh, I wish they'd run amok wearing that would have been hilarious.
13:51You wish they'd...
13:52Run amok.
13:53It would have been fun.
13:54So elephants do that and run amok.
13:55There is the poor elephant.
13:55Well, they kind of did, actually, because the music, I don't know if you know Stravinsky particularly well, but it's
14:00not exactly melodic and soft and sweeping and gentle.
14:03And they were used to doing waltzes and things, and since they heard the music, they did, frankly, they exhibited
14:09their pain, shall we say.
14:10Their ears flapped wildly and they weren't happy.
14:13And they shat everywhere.
14:14Nonetheless...
14:14Yeah, exactly, shat everywhere.
14:16Like on Blue Peter.
14:17But it ran for 425 performances in Madison Square Garden.
14:21Anyway, what's wrong with those ballet dancers?
14:23The answer is, it's that they aren't elephants.
14:26Now, where's the...
14:27The English National Ballet are...
14:29Elephants?
14:30Are they?
14:31Have you ever seen them?
14:32I went to watch them at Oxford the other day, and as they all landed, if you go to the
14:37Royal Ballet, it seems like I go to the ballet all the time.
14:40Yeah, yes.
14:41Yeah, you do.
14:42The case for the prosecution is building.
14:44I mean, I do go a bit, but every time they land, you couldn't hear the music anymore, because they
14:48were so...
14:48They thumps.
14:49Yeah.
14:49The crashing noises.
14:51You put your finger on why ballet is disappointing, because no matter how great the leaps, they have to come
14:55down to ground with a great puff of rosin and a creak of stageboard, and it's just so disappointing.
15:00And they do have to have the theatre at 4,500 degrees centigrade, a melting point of titanium, in order
15:07that they don't all freeze up.
15:09So it's an incredibly miserable experience, the ballet.
15:21Unbelievable.
15:21They keep them in pits, don't they, underground.
15:24Yeah.
15:24Get them down there!
15:25Yeah!
15:26And they have to work so bloody hard.
15:29They do work very hard, because they do a great many ballets, and they don't know what part that they're
15:33going to play when they turn up in the evening.
15:35They have to be across every...
15:35They've got no toenails.
15:37No toenails.
15:38Worse than that.
15:38No.
15:38The girls who go through ballet school, they don't menstruate till the 19 or 20 very often.
15:42It completely screws their bodies up, the whole physiologist.
15:45That's quite a pervy thing to say.
15:46It's true.
15:47It's not pervy at all.
15:48It's just a physiological fact.
15:49It's really unpleasant.
15:50They get bone structure problems from a very early age.
15:53I mean, it is a miserable thing.
15:54Bark.
15:55They feed them bark.
15:56They have to gnaw and bark.
16:00What was wrong with those ballet dancers is my favorite elephant.
16:06And so to e-commerce.
16:08Now, children, each of you has a website, and I want you to convince me to buy something from your
16:14website.
16:15Let me know what your website provides.
16:17We start with Joe.
16:18This is your website.
16:20It is a real website.
16:21And tell me what it offers.
16:23What can you offer me?
16:24That is the name of the website.
16:25Whore presents or whore presents.
16:27Well, you tell me.
16:28It could be presents or presents then.
16:30So what is it?
16:32It's a very handy course of antibiotics.
16:37This round is, in fact, all about people who seem to be rather word blind when it comes to websites.
16:41If I'm having a charity dinner, and I want Jeremy Clarkson to come and speak to it,
16:44I need to find out who his agent is, and I go to www.whorepresents.com.
16:50And that's it.
16:51So we're probably all on it.
16:53Apparently, and there you are.
16:54Oh.
16:55That's apparently Joe being an agent, I think.
16:57That was extraordinary.
16:59You look quite thin and attractive there.
17:01Do you?
17:01I always look attractive, Joe.
17:03But not thin.
17:06Oh.
17:08So, Bill, let's have a look at your website and tell me what you think this website can furnish
17:11me with.
17:14Right.
17:16Oh, I see what's happened there.
17:22Expertsexchange.com.
17:23Don't even know this has happened to you.
17:25It just, yeah.
17:27Why are you waiting?
17:28Hang on a minute.
17:29I just popped in for a coffee and I came out as a lady.
17:32So, that sort of thing.
17:34But you're absolutely right.
17:35Of course, it's not Expertsexchange.
17:37It is Expert's Exchange where experts get together to exchange, you know, in a networking
17:42sort of way.
17:42I don't know why specialists are putting...
17:44That's his mother-in-law.
17:45That's his mother-in-law.
17:46That's his mother-in-law.
17:46Phil Fagin.
17:48It's barely running the Expert Exchange.
17:51Hello.
17:52This is, yeah, Middle Earth one too.
17:56Jeremy, you have a website.
17:58What does your website offer?
18:07I really didn't think that.
18:09Very handy.
18:10Damn, I've lost my rapist.
18:13There's been a rape in the town, Sarge.
18:15Well, hey, it doesn't matter at all.
18:18It's better than the other way around though, isn't it?
18:21Oh, that would be horrible.
18:22Therapist finders.
18:24Can't we do the therapists?
18:25All put to the rapist finder.
18:28The rapist finder, please, is in California, in fact.
18:31And it is for finding therapists, presumably.
18:33Well, it is.
18:34Let's be honest.
18:35And that's...
18:37There you are, you see?
18:39Kept it on the couch.
18:40Yeah.
18:41Now, Alan.
18:41Your site.
18:42Yes.
18:43What does it offer, please?
18:46Penises.
18:47If you're unhappy with your own penis, come to Penisland.net.
18:51We will sell you a new penis.
18:54How do you donate penises?
18:55You know you can donate your organ.
18:56Well, you can...
18:58It's true.
18:58Your kidneys, your liver.
19:00The thing about Penisland, right?
19:02Is it's a lot smaller than it looks on the map.
19:07BG.
19:09So, yes, Penisland is, of course...
19:12Pen...
19:12Is it Pen Island?
19:14Pen Island?
19:14Pen Island is a place where all kinds of ink-fueled writing tools.
19:20Like a little desk midget.
19:22Do you like your pen now, Mr. Giant?
19:26Why, thank you.
19:29There are other websites you might find.
19:31There's the Speed of Art website, which is speedofart.com.
19:36And a quite well-known one is Power Gen of Italy.
19:38Power Genitalia.
19:42So, there are people on the web who don't quite have a sense of how language works.
19:47Which brings us to the part of the show where our guests fall into the lens-grinding machine of general
19:53ignorance and make spectacles of themselves.
19:57Thank you, one person in the audience.
20:00An optician.
20:01Yeah, an optician.
20:03Exactly.
20:04Suppose you shaved a lion and a tiger till they were both as bald as an egg.
20:09How would you tell which was which?
20:10Fingers on buzzers for this.
20:12Yes.
20:13The tiger would be exactly the same size.
20:16But the lion would be the size of a squirrel.
20:19Mainly hair.
20:22Mainly hair.
20:24It's a good thought.
20:25There is a more obvious way of telling.
20:27If you strip them until they were just skeletons, it would be actually incredibly hard to tell.
20:31Only a real expert would know which was a lion skeleton and a tiger.
20:34They're almost identical.
20:35But if you were just to shave them until they're completely bald, you would know.
20:40And it's a rather odd thing.
20:41Stripey skin?
20:42Yes, the tiger would have stripes.
20:44It has stripy skin as well as stripy fur.
20:46And that's true of leopards and jaguars.
20:48So the lion would just be bald and white and the tiger would have the stripes.
20:51I took my nephews to London Zoo because a friend of ours is a zookeeper there.
20:57And she can get you in sort of the back.
21:01And they wanted to see a lion and they said there's some mesh.
21:05There's small mesh and big mesh.
21:07You must stand on the side where the big mesh is.
21:10Don't go near the small mesh.
21:12Stay where the big mesh is.
21:13Do you understand?
21:14And the kids went.
21:16I just went in and my nephew turned to me and said, what's mesh?
21:25I was in Brazil.
21:26I went into an enclosure with a jaguar.
21:28And there's this handler.
21:29He said it was Brazilian.
21:31And he said to me, it's very important.
21:32He's always approached from the front.
21:35Like that.
21:36And I went, right.
21:36Okay.
21:37And I just was sort of like getting closer to the front of it.
21:39And then he said, oh, no, sorry.
21:41Never.
21:41Sorry.
21:44Sorry.
21:49Sorry.
21:51Sorry.
21:52Sorry.
21:52My English.
21:55Never and always.
21:56Never always.
21:58We lose a lot like that.
22:02Anyway, that's true.
22:03Tigers are stripey even under their fur.
22:06Now, what do you call the biggest squid in the world?
22:09Ah.
22:10The creak.
22:12Brian.
22:14Squid eagles.
22:16Squid stuff.
22:17Squid nice stuff.
22:18The Kroken?
22:19Very good.
22:19The Kroken is actually the giant squid.
22:21But there is even bigger.
22:23The Kroken was a sort of legendary big sea monster.
22:25Enormous squid.
22:26Enormous squid.
22:27Yeah.
22:27Keep going.
22:28Grand squid.
22:29Keep going.
22:29You're going to get there.
22:31Enormous squid.
22:32Who said that?
22:33Colossus.
22:34It's the colossal squid.
22:36It's the right answer.
22:37Well done, audience.
22:38The colossal squid, also known as the Antarctic or giant cranch squid, apparently.
22:43It's believed to be the largest squid species and indeed the largest invertebrate.
22:47It is truly vast.
22:48Its eyes, as are the giant squid, which is only slightly smaller, are about a foot in diameter,
22:54the eyes.
22:55Yeah, they're reckoned to be up to 46 feet long.
22:57And if they were calamari, the rings would be the size of tractor tires.
23:02Oh, delicious.
23:03And would taste of ammonia, unfortunately.
23:04Not good.
23:05Not so good.
23:06They live around the Southern Oceans.
23:08They're preyed upon by sperm whales, apparently.
23:10Many of which carry scars caused by the hooks of these giant colossal squids.
23:15One was caught recently and taken to New Zealand, frozen in a block of ice.
23:18It had to be thawed in a microwave.
23:20How did they get a giant squid, 46 feet long, into a microwave?
23:24Well, that is a good point.
23:28Get the door shut!
23:29Get the door shut!
23:29There's a tentacle!
23:32There's a big microwave, possibly.
23:35It was because otherwise, if they heated it, the outer bits would have rotted, while the
23:39centre bits would still be frozen, because it was so vast.
23:42They had to use microwaves, that's the point.
23:45So a large thing, the colossal squid.
23:47Well, now, a final question then, therefore surely would be appropriate.
23:51You come down to breakfast, you look in the goldfish bowl, and you find your goldfish floating
23:56on its side, on the surface of the water.
23:59What's the matter with it?
24:00You got it from a fairground.
24:03It's dead.
24:05Oh!
24:08It's not dead?
24:09No.
24:10So when I flushed it?
24:11Yeah, probably.
24:12A lot of people throw away a living one.
24:15It's asleep.
24:16They're sort of stunned, or they're ill.
24:19They've got their balance.
24:20Their balance is all wrong.
24:21Yes.
24:21And where do they get their balance from?
24:23Their chest.
24:23It's what's called their swim bladder.
24:25Swim bladder, yes.
24:25Yes.
24:26It's swim bladder disorder.
24:27What happens is, if they're overfed, they get constipation, and it affects their swim
24:32bladder, and they can't move, and they just lie on their side, completely still.
24:36And a lot of people think they're dead and throw them away, as you might have done.
24:39But actually, with three days of no food, they usually get all better.
24:42Yeah.
24:42But the fact is, of course, as you probably know, it's very easy to overfeed a goldfish.
24:46Their stomachs are the same size as their eyes.
24:48Tiny little stomachs.
24:49We had something to our fish.
24:51We came out one morning, and then they were on the side, like this, sort of, eh, like
24:55a drunk or something.
24:57And then we thought that the cat had had all the heron, perhaps, had had a go at them.
25:01A pet heron?
25:02We've had a...
25:02We're not a pet heron, no.
25:03No, that would be...
25:05That would be foolish for us.
25:07So, had you given them a burger the night before or something?
25:12Might you have overfed them?
25:14Might you have overfed them?
25:15I think we probably had overfed them slightly, yes.
25:17No.
25:17Some children have been around.
25:19Oh, children love feeding the fish.
25:19And they love...
25:20Feed the fish.
25:21No.
25:22A whole packet of it.
25:23The fish was just...
25:24Stuff.
25:25And, of course, they're fine now, because we've worked out the fantastic heron deterrent.
25:29We had a problem, terrible problem with the heron.
25:30The heron kept coming down and eating the fish.
25:31So, we also put mesh over, and, of course, you know, if you had no idea what they were, and,
25:36put mesh, nothing, that was no good.
25:38He got through the mesh.
25:39So, eventually, we tried to put a fake heron.
25:41And the fake heron, thinking that that would be the solution, but that had the opposite effect.
25:45That attracted three or four herons, circling around, going,
25:50Whoa, she's gorgeous, you know.
25:52And, standing there, or does she steal, the way she stands there.
25:55It's also steal.
25:56And, uh, so we got rid of the fake heron, and then we got a fake crocodile of a $7
25:59.99.
26:00Works a treat.
26:01The heron is terrified of this crocodile.
26:03Absolutely.
26:04They go on.
26:05Brilliant.
26:05Works an absolute treat.
26:06Just below the surface.
26:08And the heron thing...
26:09And the goldfish don't mind?
26:10No, they're absolutely fine.
26:12Another terrifying one.
26:13My father had some fish that he loved.
26:14He used to sit and watch them.
26:15They're about that long, and gold.
26:17So, I suppose they were goldfish, really, weren't they?
26:19He swam around in his pond, and there were lilies, and he used to watch them.
26:22And I thought it would be nice, one birthday, to buy him some more fish to go in his pond,
26:26perhaps a bit different.
26:27So, I went and found these things called ghost koi.
26:29Oh, yeah.
26:30We've got ghost koi.
26:31You've got ghost koi.
26:32Now, in the sort of washing up bowl they sell them in.
26:35They're there.
26:35They're plainly visible.
26:36You see them swimming around, they've got quite nice markings, like a tiger shark.
26:38You know, half a dozen of those, or a dozen of those, or whatever.
26:41I took them home, put them in the pond, where they completely disappear.
26:44You can't see them.
26:45Gone.
26:45But what ghost koi do is kill all other fish.
26:49So, my father was then left with a puddle full of invisible fish, and all his fish were dead.
26:55It was the least successful birthday present I ever had.
26:59And that brings us to the scores.
27:02Tonight's entertainer extraordinaire, with a massive four points, is Jeremy Clarkson.
27:08Oh, wow.
27:12Only just behind, with two points, Joe Brand.
27:19And we have two end-tertainers, because tying in last place, Bill Bailey and Alan Davies on Miner Six.
27:35But, of course, the really big winners tonight are all the children that you'll be helping with your donations.
27:40Don't forget to call 08457332233 and tell them QI sent you.
27:45So, that's all from Bill, Joe, Jeremy, Alan, Pudsey and me.
27:49And I leave you with this thought about one form of entertainment we haven't covered tonight, from Noel Coward.
27:54People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be.
27:57It is exactly what it used to be.
27:59That is what is wrong with it.
28:01Good night.
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